I was making a cup of coffee the other day

looking out of the kitchen window

waiting for the kettle to boil

When I spotted a Kookaburra that was on a

bit of a lean.

It was running around in circles it was a sight

to be seen.

It was a lopsided Kookabura,that had something

attached to its left wing.

As I got closer I saw that it was a watch,a Seiko

if you please

It also had something on its knee,some sort of

strapping,an injury,maybe a fight

That lopsided Kookaburra was one freaking

awesome sight.

I went back inside to finish my drink,and was

washing the cup in the kitchen sink

When I heard some tapping coming from my

back door.

The lopsided Kookaburra had somehow made

it up the steps.

The tapping I heard was coming from its beak.

The lopsided Kookaburra didn’t look so good

hungry and kind of weak.

I opened the back door,and Kooka hopped

right on inside.

Then I remembered the neighbours cat that

had a taste for birds.

I hate I cat so much I cant form the words.

I bent down and picked up the lopsided

Kookaburra,and put him on the kitchen

table.

I looked him over,looking for a injury as

much as I was able.

The lopsided Kookaburra was going berserk

flapping its left wing,with its Seiko watch

which I noticed was 20 minutes slow.

I thought how low can a lopsided

Kookaburra go.

I took off the watch and set it to the correct

time.

And the lopsided Kookaburra let out its famous

laugh,that has no rhythm or rhyme.

But instead of returning the watch to its wing

I got a chain and and put the watch around its

neck.

The Kookaburra was no longer lopsided,it was

standing there as proud as punch.

And I realised it was time for lunch.

I got some meat from the fridge and gave it

to the bird.

It ate all the meat and looked hungry for more

But I noticed his eye kept going to the back door.

I opened the door and Kooka spread its wings

and took flight

And without a backward glance was soon out

of sight.

The next morning the tapping was once again

at my door.

The Kookaburra was standing there tapping

out Morse code.

He was saying”I will tell you a story,then  ive

got to hit the road”

Kooka told me why he was wearing the watch.

He told me he was always running late,and that

he and a friend were going on a well travelled

journey.

You see generations of Kookaburras all around

Australia,always do their laugh at 5.10am and

8.05 pm.

So Kooka bought a watch so his laugh was no

longer late.

So now Kooka and his mate are traveling around

handing out watches to all the young Kookaburras

so that they always laugh on time.

But the Kookaburras have to remember not to wear

the watches on their wings,or they will become

lopsided.

So the next time you are going about your business

and at 5.10am or 8.05pm,you hear the Kookaburras

make their noise.

You know that all is fine in the world,girls and boys.

I have just heard about a meeting that took place the

other day.

The Demon and the Angel met for a coffee to have their

say.

They met in a small café,in a back street,somewhere in

Greece.

They talked about a lot of things,but not one word was

said about peace.

The Demon talked about all the subjects that are dear to

him,earthquakes,tidal waves,volcanos erupting,forest fires,

planes going down and suicide bombers.

The Angel talked about world peace,health care for the poor,

housing for everyone,a cure for all diseases,and churches

around the world open 24/7,especially for new comers.

Well they finished their coffee,it was time for dessert.

The Demon looked into the Angels eyes and said

“I am going to make you hurt”

The Angel looked right back and said

“Give it your best shot,cause you are the evil that time has

forgot”

The Demon didn’t take this lying down,he got this look on his

face that would freeze a lake.

The Demon isn’t very good at giving,but he is good at take.

With an almighty roar he transformed into a beast.

Coffee an dessert are over,now it is time to feast.

The Angel goes back home with a worried look on his brow.

He has to stop the Demon,he has to stop this madness somehow.

He picks up his mobile phone,pondering who to call.

The President?The United Nations?

But then he gets the answer,the Pope.

Maybe he has the answer,he is the worlds last hope.

Meanwhile down in the furnace,where you can really feel the heat

The Demon is hatching out a plan,how to kill every man

He is talking to his boss,you know him as the Devil.

He is just like the Demon,but on a completely different level.

They are plotting the complete destruction,they are seeking

wanting the worlds demise.

The Demon wants to see the look on the Angels face when the

world explodes.

Because he is the one person he more then hates,he depises.

Also at around the same time,the Angel and the Pope are also

having a chat

They will do all they can to defeat the man in the black hat.

The Demon has jetted off to a secret location,but I believe it is

somewhere in the south of France.

The Demon will knock Earth off its axis,if you give him half a chance.

The Demon and the Devil,have come up with a cunning plan.

They are talking to all the agnostics around the world men,women

and children.

They want them all to urinate into the rivers and oceans to raise the

water level.

He has one nasty sense of humour that freaking Devil.

The Angel and the Pope have heard all about the plan,they have

a source.

They reach out to a higher power for an answer before things get

worse.

The Angel and the Popehear all the weeing and peeing that is filling

up all the water ways.

The urine of the disbelievers and unforgivers.

The Angel and the Pope go out onto the balcony,and scream out

‘Come on people keep it in your jeans”

Cause they will defeat the Demom by any way any means.

All the cities around the world are being inundated

The peoples will is broken, their hopes deflated.

They watch as all the apartments and homes are swamped

by the foul smelling water.

They can do nothing as their homes are washed away.

The world is awash as the water level continue to rise.

The cities and towns drown,you can hear the peoples

cries.

Back at the Vatican,the Angel and the Pope,know that they

have been defeated.

Evil has won this round,goodness has been unseated.

But in an unknown location,this time in Bangladesh.

The Demon is watching all the mayhem and distress.

The Devil has gone back to hell,for a spell,leaving the

Demon alone to bask in the glory.

The Demon is sitting high up on top of a mountain,a bit

to close to the edge.

He hears a whisper in his ear,it is a voice from above

“Not this time Demon” For goodness will always shine

through.

It is there for everyone,it is there for you.

In all the countries around the world,the survivors,watch

the water level dissipate.

They need to get together before it is too late.

They begin to communicate with each other by telepathic

means.

If you add up all the survivors,it comes to a few thousand,

they live on prayer and corn and beans.

The Demon cant believe it,the win has turned into defeat.

He isn’t thinking straight,and fails to see the danger

He doesn’t see the appearance of the white robed stranger

The Angel has survived,he is tougher then you think.

And before you know it,he has conjured up a huge gust of wind

That knocks the Demon right over the edge.

Well there is one thing that the Demon never did,he never learnt

how to swim.

And the world watches as all the evil and badness disappear

with him.

I was talking to a friend just tonight

About when I put pen to paper

Can people come along and steal

my ideas.

Steal the thoughts from my brain.

Steal the words from my breath.

Can they control my pen and make

me write words that I don’t want to

write.

Can they make me think thoughts I

don’t want to think.

Of course they cant,I know my rights.

I wont give up without a fight.

Cause I got copyright.

When an idea forms in my head,I put

it down on paper.

And then post it on my blog page.

I hope no one is looking over my shoulder

Looking in my front window,or maybe

do a home invasion.

I hope they don’t,cause I know my rights

I wont give up without a fight

Cause I got copyright.

I know my words could someday be known

all around the world.

I wont be able to walk the streets

I will be rich and famous.

My face will appear on the side of buses

I will be Ellen,or some other TV show.

Reading my poems and stories

Covered in fame and glory.

Of course all that is just a dream.

As long as nobody wants to steal my dreams

Steal my ideas right off the page

Steal the thoughts from my head

Steal the girl from my bed.

Can they steal what is mine and mine alone?

Of course they cant,i know my rights

I will fight with all my might

Cause I got copyright.

So go and get your own ideas,reach

inside your own head.

Put your own words down on paper

Start up your own blog page

Cause blogging is the latest thing.

If I can do it anyone can,be your own

man

Just don’t come around here trying to

read what is on my hard drive

Cause as soon as the stories are posted

the copyright is mine.

So don’t try to ride my coat tails

Go tread your own journey

Don’t pinch my ideas and thoughts,go

and think for yourself.

If you try to steal from me I will bring

you down.

I am walking the golden path,i am on

my way

I am floating on diamond dust,in that you

can trust.

Can someone come along and take it all

away?

Of cause they cant,i know my rights

I want give up without a fight

Cause I got copyright

I did a bit of shopping today

I needed a new pair of shoes

I was feeling kind of twitchy

My feet were really itchy,i had

a dose of althetes feet

I had the running shoes blues

I was at the reak of my fitness,

getting PBs,pure performance.

Running fast,running endurance

Running so fast I blew a hole in

my shoes.

I got the running shoes blues.

Running shoes blues

When you run so far,you get yourself

a blister.

Running shoes blues

When you run like a girl

and  people call you sister.

I walk  into a shoe store and jump

onto the treadmill to check what

sort of shoes would be best for feet.

But I ran too fast and landed on my

arse.

I had the running shoes blues.

Running shoes blues

When you run on the road and get

hit by a truck.

You,spin around and go what the fuck!

Running shoes blues

When you go for a run around the lake

One little slip,and you go go for a dip.

Your clothes are soaking wet,and your

shoes are ruined.

I got the running shoes blues

I do the Blackbutt run,the town run,i try

to do them all.

I run at the back of the pack,forcing my

way through the people.

Trying to get to the front.

Maybe if I run so fast,and break a record.

Maybe I will make the news

I have the running shoes blues.

Do up your laces,before you start to run.

cause landing on your face,aint so much

fun.

Wear the right clothes,walk the walk

Talk the talk.

Wear the proper style of shoe.

I have the running shoes blues

I got shoes for running,shoes for

driving,shoes for going to work.

Shoes for talking the talk

Shoes for washing the dishes

Shoes to please the missus

I got boxes and boxes of shoe

I definently have the running

shoes blues.

There is a workmate of mine who thinks

his bum smells like a flower.

He lets one go,every hour on the hour.

His name is Albutticus Bumstesd

or Albutt for short.

He is a friendly enough guy

Always stopping to say hi.

But you know when he gets that look

on his face,like when a baby is filling its

nappy.

You know that there has been a gas escape

from between his butt cheeks,something

to make him happy.

You see he thinks his bum smells like a geranium

But if you happen to be standing with in a 20 foot

radius,you better start running.

Because you know what is coming.

There are enough noxious fumes

to fuel 10 hot air balloons.

But Albutt is oblivious to what is around

him.

To his nose his farts smell like a rose.

But to others,it is a completely different

story.

The stench hits you in the back of the throat

It is enough to sink a freaking boat.

Albutt walks away with a little shake of his

arse.

Man,that dude has no dignity or class

It takes about 20 minutes for the smell to

go away.

But the memory is here to stay

Once again Albutt has left something that

you wont forget.

A smellier bloke I have never met.

The next day Albutt arrives at work a little

bit early.

He has let go another one,it smells like a

week old fish burley.

Albutt is disappointed cause no one is there

to smell it.

Albutt is so mad,he squeezes his butt cheeks tight

so another cant escape before his staff arrive.

Albutt is thinking about roses,daffodils,lillies,

violets and panseys,which are all his favourite

flowers.

But Albutt must have a blockage in his nose.

Cause his farts don’t smell like a rose,or any of

his favourite flowers.

They smell like an open sewer pipe that has been

in the sun about a week.

Or a rotting carcass that has been decomposing

for about a month.

No flower smells like that of that I am sure.

At 8.00 am sharp his co workers arrive to start

work.

Albutt is ready,he is fully loaded.all gassed up

and ready to go.

Albutt lets loose,but something is wrong,his

butt cheeks wont part.

This is Albutts last noxious fart,seeing that the

gas cant escape,it goes in instead of out.

So Albutt fills with the noxious gas,he slowly

fills and he starts to look like the Michelin man

His head starts to expand to a dangerous

dimension.

And body looks like something to gross to

mention.

Albutt slowly starts to leave the ground and

he starts to float away.

But then someone lights a match and Albutts

explodes in a cloud of blood and guts.

There is nothing left of Albutt.

A week later at Albutts funeral there is an

ironic sight.

The room is full of flowers,of all shapes

and sizes.

Albutt left this earth smelling like a rose

So his nose,knows,I suppose.

PS This story is dedicated to Cathy

Quinton,thanks for the idea Cathy

I have a friend I have known for a long time

We first met,way back,when I was about

fifteen.

He first introduced himself at a party,or

maybe it was the local park,i cant quite

remember

Well he is the sort of friend you can only

take in small doses.

If he hangs around too long he can become

a bit of a nuisance

If he hangs around all weekend,he can become

your worst nightmare

My friend goes by many names,I call him

Mr Tooheys.

He comes in many shapes and forms,schooner,

stubbies,long neck,take your pick.

Just remember to take it easy,cause Mr Tooheys

can take control of you.

If you are going to a party and you know Mr Tooneys

will be there.

Just to be safe leave your car at home.

Just remember Mr Tooheys likes to hang around

He is always in your ear saying,come on just one

more.

Mr Tooheys never knows when to go home

He never seems to know when you have had

enough.

He is the sort of friend,who is the life and soul

of the party.

If you let him,he will still be there when the sun

comes up

When I am at home and I go to the fridge,my

friend looks back at me urging me to take off

the cap,and have a little taste

But if I go to the fridge that one time

I could go that I time to many

When your brain doesn’t seem to work

You know when don’t know when to stop

When I was in my twenties Mr Tooheys and

I became really close.

Too close for comfort

I was really getting out of control

My family and friends were telling me to give

Mr Tooheys the flick

But I did not get it,to me it was all fun and games

But as I have gotten older,i have learnt to keep

Mr Tooheys at arms length

I just have a few on Fri&Sat nights

Cause I know that deep down,Mr Tooheys,is always

in the back of my mind

Telling me that it is time to go back to the fridge

To just have a few just a touch

But it could turn into a touch to much

Mr Tooheys

Can be your best friend

Mr Tooheys

He can become your worst enemy

Mr Tooheys

He can be your best mate

Mr Tooheys

Is a man I love to hate.

I was feeling a bit down today

because you went away.

I feel like a football that has gone

flat.

Like when you play cricket and

don’t get to bat.

Like when you take a trip to Mars

And you stay on the craft.

Like when you know you are smart

but people think you are daft

Like when you are fixing your car

but have the wrong spanner.

Like when your plane is grounded

stuck in the hanger.

Like when you climb a mountain

but you cant reach the top

Like when you open a champagne

bottle,and there is no pop

Like when you go for a bushwalk

and get covered in ants

Like when all the kids in school

laugh,and pull down your pants

Like when you go to China

and don’t see a panda bear

Like when you are invited to a party

but have no clothes to wear

Like when you go for a drive

and you have a smash

Like when you buy a potato

and it refuses to mash

Like when you play your guitar

and it goes out of tune

Like when you walk down the street

and get abused by a hoon

Like when you go for a swim

and get scoped by a shark

Like when you buy a dog

and all it does is bark

Like when you go to and all you

do is stutter

Like when you go outside

and see all the leaves in your

gutter

Like when I was born and almost

got strangled by the umbilical

cord

Like when you go to buy a Holden

and all they have is a Ford

Like when I go to the doctor and

he said my blood pressure was high

Like when you think you are talking

to a girl

But it turns out to be a guy

Like when you go shopping and

leave your wallet at home

Like when you are in a crowded

room

but are still all alone

Like when you are a singer in a

band

but sing out of tune

Like when you start to buy xmas

presents

But its still only June

Like when I am finally happy

because I get to see your face

Because you are the best human

In the human race

If you want to remain silent

as you sneak up on your prey

You have to lubricate your bones

grease your joints,otherwise that

creak will give you away.

A little bit of lubrication that is

all you need.

Walk and stalk,free and easy

Nice and silent easy peasy

If you want to be a good person

and do the best you can.

You have got to lubricate your

soul.

Keep it nice and greasy

And everything will be nice and

easy.

A little bit of lubrication that is

all you want.

Keep your inner self well

maintained.

Take care of you yourself

sound body,healthy heart.

Lubricate your bones

So your joints don’t  creak

Lubricate your soul

So your spirit wont squeak.

If you want to be alert and on

the ball.

You have to lubricate your

brain.

Eat some oily fish,sardines,salmon

nuts and grains.

Lubricate your bones

So your joints don’t creak

Lubricate your soul

So your spirit wont squeak

Lubricate your brain

To help you stay alert

Lubricate your body

You know it cant hurt.

A little bit of lubrication goes

a long way.

Lubricate your skin so it don’t

wrinkle

Lubricate your feet so they don’t

crinkle

So if you want to remain silent

lubricate your bones and grease your

joints

Otherwise that creak will give you

away

Ok that is all I have to say

Lubricate and be on your way

When you go to a party,be careful who

you speak to.

Just be very wary of a stranger.

Because that old saying could turn out

to be true,Stranger Danger.

But even more dangerous is a friend who

wants you to taste the honey.

All for free,no money.

Before you know it you are in your room.

Buying a one way ticket to the moon.

And all I did was lick the spoon.

Don’t lick the spoon

Off your face,total disgrace

Don’t lick the spon

Off your face,lost in space

Trying to have a good time

But your skin starts to tremble

You have the shakes,night sweats

Your night is over way to soon

And all you did was lick the spoon

Don’t lick the spoon

Off your dial,with a dopey smile

Don’t lick the spoon

Off your dial.living in denial

Your friend invites you to another

party

You sit in the corner,trying not to

misbehave

A few beers and you get the craving

The marching powder is always in your

thoughts

I know I am addicted.

I got to get a taste real soon

And all I did was lick the spoon

It doesn’t take much before the demon

gets inside your head

If you don’t get a grip and get your shit

together

You will wind up dead

A rusty spoon lying on the floor

And you,well you don’t exist anymore

You took your last breath around noon

And all you did was lick the spoon.

Down on a tiny island off the coast of Africa

Live two best friends,one is a snail,the other

a tortoise.

You might think it strange that a snail and a

tortoise to be friends.

But they have a lot in common,they both have

shells.

They are both really slow.

And they both have the same liquid breakfast

a serving of up&go.

It doesn’t seem to be working.

I think their get up&go got up and went a long

time ago.

But the snail and the tortoise don’t care

So they move slow,who said life was a race

They just move at a nice steady pace.

Another thing they have in common is the

same nickname Speedy.

Speedy the snail,leaves a trail wherever

he goes.

So it is easy for Speedy the tortoise to keep

track of his friend.

So if Speedy the snail,goes around a bend

his trail means he is always visible.

But this means he is vunderable to an attack

from the air.

Eagles,seagulls,all sorts of birds and reptiles

love to eat snails.

They like them raw straight from the shell.

The life of a snail can sometimes be a living

hell.

That is where Speedy the tortoise comes into

the picture.

Whenever Speedy the snail shouts that he is

in trouble.

Speedy the tortoise is there on the double

Well as fast as he can,anyway

Speedy the tortoise is rather quiet and shy.

And he thinks now is the time that he came

out of his shell haha.

He has meet a female tortoise named Mary.

They are going out tomorrow night.

But meanwhile back in the woods,Speedy

the snail is in trouble

Because a man in a escargot van,is on the

hunt.

He is looking for fat juicy snails.

So if you give him half a chance,he will catch

Speedy the snail and ship him off to France

Where he will disappesr down someones

throat.

No way in hell does Speedy want to get

on that boat.

So Speedy the snail is in hiding,deep inside

a hollow log.

But what Speedy doesn’t know is that the

man in the van,has got himself a sniffer dog

As the old saying goes

You can run but you cant hide.

But you can escape if you have Speedy the

tortoise on your side.

Speedy the tortoise has a plan,he knows how

to beat the man in the van.

Speedy the tortoise has built himself a raft

So he and Speedy the snail can float down

the river

The sniffer dogs don’t stand a chance

As the two Speedys lead them on a merry

dance.

The dogs are running around barking

and yapping

The Speedys jump up and down

laughing and clapping

So the two Speedys,make good their

escape.

And sail all the way down with the tide.

They finally find land,and go and hide

They are not taking any chances,and they

hide out for a week

Living in a shack with a stove and a roof

that leaks.

Speedy the tortoise didn’t get to go on his

date

He is hoping that when he gets back,Mary

will give him another chance

A few weeks later they finally get home

Speedy the snail is reading his mail.

He got a letter from a pen pal

Who wants to know when are they going

to meet face to face

Speedys pen pals name is Lucy,who wants

to visit.

She wants friendship,maybe more.

So the two Speedys decide to go on a

double date.

They go to a fancy restaurant,and get

the best table.

Lucy andMary seem to get along just fine

plenty of jokes and laughs,as they wine

and dine

Afterwards they decide to go back to the woods

They to go back to being just a snail and a

tortoise

And the two girls come along.

The two two Speedys are happy

cause they are back where they belong