Sitting on my back verandah enjoying a cup of tea
and a bikkie.
Thinking later maybe me and the missus will have
time for a quickie.
While I was pondering that thought something caught
Down at the back of the garden,near the fountain,sits
a little gnome.
Red and white,it stands about 30cms tall.
I had bought it for a dollar,about a year ago,from a
But I am digressing,I am only guessing,but I am only
sure I am not losing my mind.
Cause I am sure that when I last looked at the ghome
it’s arms were pointing straight to the ground.
Now they are pointing straight at me,like it wants me to
pick it up.
Well in for a penny in for a pound.
I am still half thinking about my bikkie and the sex.
Well I get up from my chair,wondering what is going to
As I got closer to the gnome,it starts to wave it’s arms about.
I bent down to get a closer look.
When the gnome spat in my face,and said’Piss off you sook’.
I was taken aback,i thought the gnome was being friendly,but
he was anything but.
They say actions can give you pain,but words leave a deeper
I was still getting over the fact that the gnome was alive and
I could see that the gnome thought I was ripe for the picking.
I layed down on the ground so that we could look each other
in the eye.
I was daring him to spit on me again.
He just looked at me with an evil grin and said ‘Have I got a
story for you,let me begin’.
I held up my arms and told him to stop talking,you are a garden
gnome,you are supposed to just stand there all silent not talking
He looked at me,and said ‘I might look like a garden gnome,but I
am really a leprechaun,who got abducted when I was born’.
The garden gnome and I went up to my verandah,and I poured
him a cup of tea.
He got comfortable,looked off into the distance and started his
story just for me (and now for you).
He said his mother had told him over the the years,about how
he become to be.
It all started in Ireland in a leprechaun community on the out
skirts of Belfast.
Where my mother married a local lad,but my father drank a
lot,so the marriage didn’t last.
I was born before the marriage took place,and in the leprechaun
world,that is a complete no no.
So my mother became very wary,and she jumped at every sound
because she didn’t want the leprechaun council to come and take
But take me away they did,just two months after I was born.
My mothers soul was broken,her heart was torn.
They took me to a boy’s home for leprechaun’s born out of wedlock.
It was down there by the river,right near the shipping dock.
I stayed there until I was five years old,then some people from the
leprechaun council came and took me away,again.
They took me to a factory,where they made garden gnome’s.
Where I would be shrunk down to size,set in plaster,but I would
still be alive.
I could feel my surroundings,and I got wet when it rained,birds
do their business on my head,i just stand there,i haven’t even
got a bed.
Jesus what a story,i thought,how could the leprechaun council
be so cruel.
But the leprechaun said that he isn’t angry ‘rule’s are rule’s’.
But then the leprechaun told me some good news.
Every year for one week he becomes a leprechaun again,and
he thinks about his mother and the mew’s.
That week is now,as I am writing this story,the garden gnome
and me talking,who by the way,his name is Cory.
The garden gnome,who is now a leprechaun said ‘I only have
a week,so let’s make the most of it.
So we went camping,fishing,every day was crammed full of
fun and adventure.
On the last day the leprechaun told me that he had to be back
in his spot in the garden by midnight,ot there would be consequences
of that he is sure.
So we had one last talk,one last cup of tea.
And that is the story of the garden gnome and me.