Monthly Archives: January 2015

I Got Wood

31 Saturday Jan 2015

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I got wood

More then any man should

I got wood

It is all around the house

I got wood

It is nice and hard

I got wood

It is all over the yard

 

Hard wood,soft wood

If I rub my wood too much I am

gonna get a splinter.

Just rub and rub,just rub with

the grain.

Then there wont be any pain.

I just love to feel my wood in

my hand’s.

I get all excited,my breath is getting

kind of heavy.

Yes I love my wood

 

Jesus I just realised that you people

reading this,will be getting the wrong

idea.

Come on people,get your mind out of

the gutter.

 

I am talking about wood.

Jarrah,Oak,Blackbutt,Rosewood,Mahogany,

Pine,Walnut.

But my favourite wood is mine.

I got wood.

I am going to build myself a cabinet

I got wood

Maybe I will carve a sculptor.

I got wood

Maybe I can make a skateboard

I got wood

Maybe make a bookcase

I got wood

Maybe I can build a whole freaking

house.

Sorry,but I have got to stop writing

It is time for a toilet break.

 

I get to the bathroom

Unzip my pant’s

Jesus,I got wood haha

Mr Big

29 Thursday Jan 2015

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There is a house down the end of my street

In that house live’s a man,with a plan.

He want’s to rule the world.

One drug deal at a time.

His name is Neville,who personally know’s

the Devil.

And he live’s his life on many level’s

He have contact’s all over the state.

He is a man you would really love to hate.

Neville has a sidekick called Evil Eyed Stan.

He isn’t what you would call a nice man.

He would snuff out your life without thinking

twice.

I told you Stan isn’t very fucking nice.

Neville stand’s about 173cm and he has the build

and face of a Ferret.

He has never done anything good in his life.

Certainly nothing of merit.

Stan on the other hand is about 187cm tall

With a body and head like,Mr Potato Head.

He isn’t all that smart, not very well read

But mess with Stan and you are dead.

Neville has a dream

He want’s to be the kingpin.

He want’s to be the biggest crime lord in the

state.

He want’s it all now.

Neville doesn’t like to wait.

Wherever Neville goes,Stan isn’t far behind.

Neville is the Orange,Stan is the rind.

Neville is down in his basement cooking up

the medicine.

Stirring and tasting.

He couldn’t care less about the live’s he is

wasting.

Neville goes by many name’s but the one he

like’s the best is Mr Big.

Big by name,small by nature.

He live’s his life in thehighest stature.

Or so he think’s.

He is the lowest of the low.

He would stick a needle in anybody’s arm.

As long as the money is rolling in,what’s

the harm.

He has no conscience,all he think’s about is himself.

He live’s his life sitting on the top shelf.

Or so he think’s.

Mr Big is a Pig.

There is no other description.

He is a sleaze bag.He live’s his life on the suffering

of other’s.

He can see the tear’s of the Father’s and Mother’s.

But he turn’s a blind eye.

Well he does see,but he couldn’t care less.

Neville is in his basement.

Making up some more powder and pill’s.

Another deadly concoction,to cure your ill’s

He put’s his ware’s into a suitcase

and head’s out the door.

He is meeting Evil Eyed Stan down at the Pub.

One eye is on the suitcase,the other is watching

out for the Law.

Down at the local,Stan is waiting for the next

shipment to arrive.

But Stan is a bit worried.

He has been skimming the profit’s

And putting it in his pocket.

Evil Eyed Stan know’s that he has been taking

more then his share.

But he has been careful,Neville will never know.

He doesn’t hear the voice in his head saying,BEWARE.

Neville arrives with the suitcase and sit’s down next

to Stan.

A few word’s are exchanged

and the suitcase change’s hand’s

In a corner booth,sit’s a long haired stranger.

Who has been watching Neville and Stan’s

every move.

He is an undercover drug cop,Sgt Spencer is his

name.

And arresting sleaze bag’s like Neville and Stan

is his game.

Neville and Stan have taken their conversation

outside.

So they can talk business and have a smoke.

Standing just outside the back door.

Stan is feeling a bit drunk and relaxed.

Then he feel’s a hand on his shoulder.

Then a whisper in his ear ‘Nobody rip’s me off.’

Stan hear’s Neville’s voice,then he feel’s Neville’s

knife.

As it stab’s and slice’s,and end’s his life.

Stan is dead before while still standing on his feet.

Neville lower’s him to the ground,then give’s him a

kick in the head for good measure.

Neville the Devil incarnate,is now on the lookout for

a new offsider.

Someone who doesn’t mind getting his hand’s dirty.

Neville ask’s all the local tough’s if they know of any

suitable applicant’s.

And a few name’s are tossed around,they all live on the

wrong side of town.

The stranger from the corner booth is back.

And he has heard every word.

Perhap’s he should put his own name forward.

Throw his hat into the ring.

Then put Neville out of his misery.

And watch all the vulture’s sing.

Mr Big.

Think’s that he is immortal.

Mr Big.

Think’s that he is the best.

Mr Big.

Is about to be put to the test.

Speak of the Devil.

Neville goes about his business without a care

in the world.

He still carries that suitcase wherever he goes

Just like a business man about to close a deal.

But for Neville thing’s are about to get very real.

He is that arrogant,he doesn’t look behind him

as he stroll’s down the street.

He is off to the pub to interview some street

wise punk’s about the job vacancy.

The interview’s start,and the list of name’s has

gone from long to short.

The stranger from the corner booth,is waiting

his turn.

He patiently wait’s his turn to act like a thug and

not a cop.

He give’s the performance of his life and he get’s the

job.

Neville tell’s him to report for work at 7: am on the dot

He get’s in his car the next morning and drives

 

At 7: am on the dot,he knock’s on Neville’s front door.

He know’s one thing for sure,he is about to even the

score.

Neville open’s the door,and before he can say a word.

He is punched in the throat.

A blow that bring’s him to his knee’s.

He look’s up and say’s a croaky,’Please’.

The stranger from the corner booth has come to a

decision.

Neville isn’t going to leave this house alive.

Neville finally wake’s up and realise’s that he is tied

to a chair.

A rag is stuffed into his mouth.

His eye’s are open wide.

He know’s that his life is about to come to a painful end.

The stranger from the corner booth,doesn’t say a word.

He walk’s up behind Neville and slowly slice’s off Neville’s

left ear,then off come’s the other one.

Neville is trying to scream,but just a gurgling sound come’s

out.

Now he know’s what pain and suffering is all about.

But the stranger from the corner booth isn’t finished

and one by one he lops off all of Neville’s finger’s

The stranger from the corner booth search’s the house

and finally he find’s the suitcase,behind the lounge.

He get’s a tea spoon from the kitchen,and mixes up

some Cocaine and water.

He load’s up a syringe and give’s Neville an overdose.

He then just sit’s there and watches as Neville slowly

expires.

As Neville dies the stranger from the corner booth says a

silent prayer.

He prays for the lost sons and daughters,that fell to Neville’s

drug’s.

They will never go home,know more kiss’s no more hug’s

But Sgt Spencer know’s that he cant save every kid that fall

through the crack’s.

But he is happy cause he know’s that Neville is never coming back.

The Ninja Shadow

20 Tuesday Jan 2015

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Way up in the Mountain’s,on an unnamed

Island.

Live’s a man without a face.

His finger print’s leave no trace.

His clothe’s sense extend to black pyjama’s

and Converse shoe’s.

When I say he has no face.

Of course he has one.

But no one has ever seen it.

It is alway’s covered by a black surgical mask.

He live’s in the shadow’s

behind a veil of secrecy.

You want hear him coming,before you know it

he is in your space,right in your face.

He sit’s in his cabin up in the hill’s

Waiting for a telephone call.

He is ready to rumble

It is boring up in his cabin.

He is ready to get back in action.

This man who has no face,has no mame.

He is known as the Ninja Shadow.

The phone call come’s at midnight.

There seem’s to be a situation in Hong Kong.

The Triad’s have over stepped the mark.

They have kidnapped the Chinese Ambassador.

The Ninja Shadow

make’s his way to the Airport

where he board’s his Lear jet.

The Pilot enter’s the flight plan and they take off

heading  East.

In the penthouse of the Hyatt Hong Kong.

Sit’s the boss of the Triad’s,Chu We.

He sit’s there chomping on a cigar,watching his

henchman do a number on the Ambassador.

The Chinese have seriously interrupted the

Triad’s drug business.

And  to the Triad’s this has got to come to an end.

The Ambassador is tied to a chair.

Wearing nothing but his underwear.

He is being tortured and cut.

This torture method is called death by a thousand cut’s.

Where one cut after another is done all over the body.

Not to deep,because death has to come nice and slow.

Just then there is a knock on the door.

Room service,with a trolley full of food.

Chu We,who weigh’s about 300 kilo’s

is never one to turn away a meal.

He order’s one of his flunkies to open the door.

In walk’s a man pushing a trolley covered by a table cloth.

There is one strange thing about him.

He explain’s that it is Flu season,and he doesn’t want

to catch the disease.

Chu We couldn’t care less,he is eyeing off the food

trolley,and what lay’s beneath the table cloth.

The man in the mask,doesn’t keep him in suspense.

He whip’s off the table cloth,and there is not one

scrap of food.

Instead there are two silenced hand gun’s.

The man in the mask grab’s both gun’s and start’s

a shooting.

Chu We and his side kick’s don’t know what hit them.

They each have a bullet hole in their forehead’s.

And they lay on the ground,dead.

The man in the mask check’s the Ambassador,and

tend’s to his wound’s.

He enter’s a code on the phone,and give’s the all

clear.

And then he does what he does best

He return’s to the shadow’s.

He is on his way home on his private plane.

When his phone let’s out a little chirp.

A message has come through ‘Good job,Well done,

One million dollar’s deposited in your Cayman

Island account.

The Ninja Shadow

Give’s a satisfied smile.

And settle’s down with his Sake’ with  a twist.

Halfway home his phone does a different sound.

This sound mean’s trouble.

His boss in Washington tell’s him of a situation

at the White House.

The President’s wife and daughter’s have been taken

from the local park while out for a walk.

The secret service agent’s there to protect them

have been mortally wounded.

A  distinctive sign cut into there skin.

The sign of the Triad.

It seem’s that the friend’s of Chu We have some contact’s

in Washington.

The Triad want revenge.

The Triad want a swap.

The Ninja Shadow in exchange for the President’s

wife and daughter’s.

The Ninja Shadow tell’s his pilot to turn around

and head to Washington.

The plane hit’s the tarmac with a thud.

There is not a minute to waste.

The Ninja Shadow jump’s into a waiting limousine.

And head’s to the rendezvous sight at Green River.

Chu We’s  half brother Fu We,is waiting with a truck

load of thug’s and gun’s.

The Ninja Shadow take’s a look around,and size’s up the

situation.

And rearrange’s the mask on his face.

He notice’s the President’s wife and daughter’s

Tied up in the back of a white van.

Fu We see’s a masked man walking toward’s him with

his hand’s in the air.

But this is not the Ninja Shadow,but a body double.

While the fake Ninja,shoot’s the breeze with Fu We.

The real Ninja Shadow sneak’s up to the white van.

As silent as a mouse he up behind the guard.

And with a double tap to the head,he is dead.

He grab’s the President’s brood,and take’s them to

a waiting car.

And he drive’s at break neck speed,back to the safety of the

White House.

Fu We has come to realise that he has lost control of the

situation.

His fifty thug’s are running around in circle’s

waiting for an order.

Fu We come’s to a decision,jump’s into his SUV

and flee’s the scene.

He doesn’t get very far, the FBI shoot out his tire’s

his car roll’s and explode’s into a ball of flame’s.

Back at the White House the President is one happy

man.

The Ninja Shadow,is also happy $ 5 million in his

Cayman account.

He goes home to the mountain’s,sit’s in an easy chair.

Waiting for the next phone call.

Don’t forget,no job is too small.

To have your situation fixed call

1800 NINJA.

The Bee who Could’nt See

14 Wednesday Jan 2015

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Bertie the Bumble Bee was just flying around

Feeling kind of confused and fuzzy.

He is usually,foot loose and fancy free and

you know buzzy.

He didn’t understand what was happening.

He couldn’t find his way back to the hive.

He is usually home by 3 o’clock

It is now 10 past 5.

Bertie is a worker Bee

His job is to fly from flower to flower

collecting nectar.

He was flying blindly from field to field.

And he flew into the wrong sector.

This sector is owned by a rival hive

Where a bossy Queen is King.

She doesn’t tolerate trespassers.

And order’s her fighter’s to the wing.

Bertie is still flying blindly and doesn’t

realise that he is in a whole lot of trouble.

The fighter Bee’s are gaining,they will get

to him on the double.

They catch Bertie on the border,of the two

hive’s.

Bertie see’s them at the last second

and duck’s and dive’s.

Just then Bertie get’s lucky,and a breeze blow’s him

South East.

He has just escaped from the belly of the beast.

If he had been caught,he would have been torn apart

Wing by wing,limb by limb.

Till they finally tore out his heart.

Bertie’s other sense’s are working fine.

and he get’s a smell of home.

And he skid’s to a stop.

At the hive of the Honey comb.

Bertie rush’s to the bathroom

and put’s some drop’s in his eye’s.

His vision is a little better.

Next morning he is back to the skie’s.

Early in the morning Bertie is ready for

take off.

He feel’s a little off colour,sneezing

with a dry little cough.

He is flying to his favourite field

full of clover wet the bed’s and thistle.

His throat is so dry he cant even whistle.

His vision is also going.

everything is becoming unfocused and blurry

And he fly’s straight into something furry.

He has flown into a Koala who was minding

his own business munching on some leave’s.

Bertie has flown into a Marsupial fifty feet up

a Eucalyptus tree.

Bertie isn’t feeling too good

but the smell of Eucalyptus is clearing out his

nostril’s.

It goes further down and clean’s his tonsil’s.

Feeling a whole lot better Bertie is back on

the job filling his nectar sac’s.

But what Bertie doesn’t know is that he is

about to hell and back.

With his nectar sac’s over filled

and his vision not the best.

Bertie get’s a bad rap.

And fly’s straight into a Venus Fly trap.

Bertie know’s that he is in trouble,and he cant

stop himself from going down.

His nectar sac’s keep Bertie afloat,so he doesn’t

drown.

Betie know’s that there is no escape from this

watery grave.

His frantic struggle’s are creating little wave’s.

But they are enough to engulf Bertie and he goes

under.

Just then a sound fill’s the air,sounding like

buzzing and thunder.

Bertie’s hive mate’s have come to his rescue

Yellow and black stripe’s,ten thousand strong.

They land on the edge of the trap

singing their rescue song.

We are Bee’s ,we believe,so beware,we Bee’s

will leave you bewildered.

Bertie heard his favourite song.

And his heart skipped a beat.

If he could of he would have jumped to his feet.

A guide rope was lowered,andd Bertie take’s a hold.

He is hoisted to the surface,a little wet

and a little cold.

They arrive back at the hive an army of Bee’s

celebrating a job well done.

They had an adventure,and rescued their favourite

son.

A few day’s later Bertie is feeling a whole lot better.

He is busy as a Bee can be,can be.

He is feeling the Bee’s knee’s.

Now he wear’s tiny glass’s

Kick’s tiny arse’s

Goes to swimming class’s

And flirt’s with anything that pass’s.

What Next?

10 Saturday Jan 2015

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This is a story about a week I had a couple

of week’s back.

I t started bad,then got worse.

Saturday night,just sitting on the lounge

enjoying a beer or two.

When itsy bitsy Spider walked on by.

I tried to kill it ,but it moved to fast.

About ten minute’s later,I am just sitting

there enjoying my music.

When I felt something moving in my short’s.

I felt a bite,and I nearly died of fright.

My right thigh hurt,and started to burn.

The Spider took off and tried to get away.

I said to myself ‘Okay Spider,now it is my turn.’

I picked up a shoe and chased the Spider up the

hallway.

A little brown thing,the Spider ran as fast as eight little

leg’s can go.

I caught up and said ‘right,come here you little so and so.’

Down came my shoe,and smashed the you know who.

Eight leg’s in the air,that Spider wa’nt going anywhere.

Now I have a mighty big red itchy rash.

T mark the occasion.

Sunday was good,went for a long walk,just chilled out.

Monday morning.off to work,another great day going very

fast(rapid) haha.

I finish work and go to my car,turn the key.

All I get is click,click,click.

Great a flat battery.

I put up the hood,fiddled with the battery connection

trying to look like I know what I am doing.

A few guy’s from work come along and ask ‘Do you

need a jump start ‘Sure’ I reply.

So the cable’s are connected,but no go.

Just click,click,click.

So Scott get’s out his heavy duty cable’s.

Connect’s them to my engine,and Vroom,my car start’s,

and purr’s like a kitten.

I drop the hood,thank the guy’s for their help.

And drive out of the carpark.

I drive for a few kilometre’s,and I come to the big

roundsbout at Warner’s Bay.

Without as much as a warning,my car just stop’s.

Right in the middle of the roundabout.

I couldn’t believe it,peak hour traffic.

And I am sitting there like a stunned Mullet.

For some reason my car was stuck in park,so I

couldn’t even push my car out of the way.

I rang for a tow truck,he told me ‘half an hour.’

I said ‘what? Are coming from the moon.’.

He said that he couldn’t get there any sooner.

So I was sitting there,car horn’s blaring,driver’s

hurling abuse.

I was frantically trying to get the stick out of park,

but it was no use.

Thank God,the Cop’s are here,and with the help of

some bystander’s.

They yank the stick into neutral.

They push the car to the side of the road,and I wait

for the tow truck.

I am calming down,thinking that the worst was over.

But there was more to come.

How could I be so dumb?

The tow truck driver tells me the cost for the tow is $99.

I tell him that I am only going around the corner,to the

mechanic’s.

So it cost me $99 for a two hundred meter tow.

When we arrive at the mechanic’s.

I open my wallet and lo and behold,no credit card or

money.

So I say a few word’s that would make the devil blush.

Trying to think of a way to pay.

The guy behind the counter,say’s that he will pay for the

tow,and I can pay him back when I pay for the new battery.

I thought,Thank Christ for that,but then I think,how am I

going to get home?

So I leave my car there,and start walking home home.

About two hour’s later,in the stinking heat,i finally

arrive home at 6pm,and I collapse on the lounge.

I pick up my car the next afternoon,and all is well.

Or so I thought.

A couple of hour’s after I get home.

I turn on the oven to heat it up.

A few minute’s later,there is an almighty bang.

I jumped about five feet in the air.

And land on my darey air.

Wondering what the fuck is going on.

I walk into the kitchen,open the oven door.

Black smoke start’s pouring out.

Then the smoke alarm’s start going off.

I open the door’s and window’s,and the smoke

start’s to disperse.

I just stand there stunned,mumbling a mouthful

of curse’s

I run a bath,and I just lay there for 20 minute’s.

I can feel my blood pressure going back to normal.

I just soak the worry’s away.

But then I think.

The Spider,my car,the oven.

Am I under some kind of hex.

And I cant help,but think, What Next?

Cereal Killer

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

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There is a monster out there

The press have dubbed the’Cereal Killer’.

There are no half measure’s with this

sadistic killer.

He is all killer,no filler.

He really likes the roughage.

He get’s off on the fibre.

Don’t start me on the Riboflavin,

the Niacin and Folate.

He wander’s the Cereal aisle in your

supermarket,looking for his weapon

of choice.

He pick’s up box after box checking it’s

balance and weight.

This is one man you would love to hate.

He first came to the attention of the Police.

When a guy stumbled out into the street

In a whole lot of pain,he said he was attacked

by a Nutri-Grain.

He said it was like being hit by a freight train.

You don’t mess with the Nutri-Grain.

A while later a guy told the cop’s,that when he

was walking home last night,he was attacked

from behind by something that looked like a

Corn Flake.

To escape,he took a flying leap into the lake.

Their is nothing more dangerous then a soggy

Corn Flake.

Swim as fast as you can for heaven’s sake.

The next day a woman was mugged by a Shredded

Wheet.

Looking mean and nasty and packing heat.

She was left naked and bleeding out in the street.

By something you wouldn’t want to meet.

A mean mother fucking Shredded Wheet.

One of the more dangerous cereal’s is the Vita Brit.

If it hit’s you,you know you have been hit.

It’s like a 100kg piece of shit.

There is nothing meaner then a Vita-Brit.

He might look happy,but look’s can be deceiving.

I am talking about round little cereal,the Cheerio’s.

Who’s weapon of choice is a rubber hose.

You will bleed all over the place,from your Toe’s

up to your Nose.

You have been taken down by the funny little Cheerio’s.

Another cereal to get the Cop’s attention.

Is the sweet little morsel called the Honey Puff.

He doesn’t know the meaning of enough is enough.

He mightn’t look like it,but he is mighty tough.

He will do you in that sweet little morsel the Honey

Puff.

The Cop’s haven’t got a clue how to catch this cereal

menace.

So far there have been no death’s.

But it is only a matter of time.

The Cop’s look at the back of cereal pack’s looking

for a clue.

This cereal menace is coming

.

The Cop’s didn’t have to wait long before it changed from

a menace into a killer.

When a body was found in a meat chiller.

The forensic people arrive at the scene.

And they say that it look’s like the work of a

Weet-Bix..

He had wound’s you could never fix.

The people at the scene have to cover their nose’s

with Vick’s..

Nothing smell’s nastier then the victim of the Weet- Bix.

The Cop’s were frantic,they had to catch this Cereal Killer.

Before he added to his body count.

They staked out the cereal aisle,looking for a cereal with

an evil smile.

The next victim was found in an alley.

He looked like he had been shot.

But after an autopsy.

They realised they were dealing with a Cocoa Pop.

By the state of the body,that Cocoa Pop really went

to town.

Maybe he will never be found.

There is nothing more dangerous then a Chocolate

covered Rice Bubble.

He will cause you pain and a whole lot of trouble.

The Cop’s get a break at the next murder scene.

Where a body of a man was found.

By the look’s of thing’s he was taken out by a Just

Right.

There were no defence wound’s.

So he didn’t get a chance to fight.

But the Just Right has left his print’s at the scene.

The Cop’s arrive at his house,with some Donut’s

and a battering ram.

The Just Right doesn’t go down easy.

He put’s up an almighty fight,he struggle’s,bite’s

and kick’s.

He give’s the Cop’s the fight of their live’s.

But he know’s he isn’t getting out of this alive.

He fought with all his might.

That cereal called the Just Right.

So the next time you have a bowl of cereal.

Just take a little time to think.

Just add sugar and milk.

And it will go down as smooth as Silk.

Old Man Blue’s

04 Sunday Jan 2015

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It isn’t any fun getting old

You have to really concentrate

when people talk.

Cause my hearing isn’t the best.

I walked out to the letter box

the other day,to collect the mail.

And halfway back

I had to stop for a rest.

I lay back watching some Tv

in my leather recliner

drinking a cup of tea

Jesus,I gotta do another pee.

On my way to the bathroom

I feel a little bit of Mr Arthur Ritis

in my left knee.

After a few drip’s and drop’s,which

could hardly be called a pee.

I headed back to my TV.

Old Man Blue’s

I cant find my shoe’s

I got to stop writing now.

It is time for my afternoon snooze.

It is tea time.

Maybe I qualify for Meal’s On Wheel’s

Where everything is mashed and taste’s

like

crap.

God,I feel like another nap.

Seeing that I don’t qualify for the old folk’s

mobile service.

I just make some cheese on toast.

That is the kind of food that I love the most.

Old Man Blue’s

Why is there so much hair up my nose?

I ask the question

But nobody know’s

It is time for bed

I put my teeth into a cup

The missus ask’s

‘How about a roll in the clover?’

Three second’s later,it is all over.

I will see a doctor about my fast finishing

And my floppy disk.

My doctor is a friend,so what’s the risk?

I don’t want everyone to know I am having

trouble downstair’s.

It’s only been in recent time’s

I was caught unaware’s.

Old Man Blue’s

My teeth are not my own

and neither are my hip’s.

They are made out of plastic;

I should be sponsored by Tupperware

People look,people stare.

I walked into the chemist

to buy some Depend’s.

You know,the old folk’s nappy.

I was feeling something.

But it wasn’t happy.

I am thinking about joining a bowling

club.

Bowling in the midday sun.

Where my wrinkle’s start to crinkle

I feel like Rip Van Winkle.

My hair has gone from brown to grey.

Can you repeat that?

What did you say?

Old Man Blue’s

I got to take twenty pill’s a day

To try to keep the undertaker at bay.

But when my time is up

I want have much to say.

I went shopping the other day

Pushing my wonky wheeled trolley

When a kid walked up to me and said

‘Hey mister,where is my lollie?’

I forgot to bring my shopping list.

I bought milk instead of bread.

There is something happening inside

my head.

I go to the car park,and I have forgotten

where I have parked my car.

I just walk around in circle’s,going from

bay to bay.

Nobody listen’s to a word I say.

I may be old,but I am young at heart.

Yes,I may walk with a stick

And do the occasional fart.

But I am still a person

Everybody let’s one go.

I may be feeble,I might be slow.

I may stop,when you say go.

Old Man Blue’s

Where’s my prescription?

I take a lot of pill’s

Too many to mention

Sorry what were you saying?

Did you ask a question?

Maybe I should apply for the old age

pension.

Now I am really showing my age.

Get me some money to play the pokie’s

Spend my time in an old age daze.

Old Man Blue’s

I cant find my shoe’s

Or my car key’s,or my wallet.

Where did I put my teeth?

Or the remote for the TV.

I look,but I don’t really see.

I know that one day God will tap

me on the shoulder.

Then I know I wont be getting any

older.

This story is dedicated to

Brian MacCarthy haha.

My Friend The Balloon

03 Saturday Jan 2015

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This is what happen’s when you listen to

a balloon

When I was a little kid,about six year’s old

I think.

I had a friend who was a bit different from my

other friend’s.

You see,my friend was a balloon.

We became friend’s at Christmas time

My mother was blowing up red and green

balloon’s to hang near the Christmas tree.

But for some reason there was one blue balloon

in the pack of red and green.

I knew straight away that that balloon was mine.

My mother blew up the blue balloon,and handed

it to me.

Attached to a five foot long piece of string.

Now I know you wont believe this,but I swear,the

blue balloon,told me his name.

I heard his voice in my head’My name is Ollie,and I

will be your friend for life.’

I thought,how can I balloon talk without a mouth.

But I definently heard him talk.

I went into my room and got a black texta.

And I gave Ollie a face.

A mouth,eye’s,a nose,and some hair.

My mother called to me that it was tea time.

So I went downstair’s to the kitchen,and tied

Ollie to the back of my chair.

And I picked up my knife and fork.

And then Ollie started to talk in my head.

We sat there for a while chatting back and forth.

My mother asked me who I was talking to.

I just pointed at Ollie,and I gave my mother a look.

Surely she can hear Ollie talking,cant she see his

lip’s moving.

My mother give’s me a look,as if to say.

Whatever keep’s you happy son.

I need to use the bath room.

So I untie Ollie and take him with me,so my

mother cant stick him with a pin.

I am standing there doing a wee,and I can feel

Ollie’s eye’s staring into my back.

I think’Dont be silly’,as I shake off my willy.

Balloon’s cant see.

Then Ollie start’s to talk again,and he tell’s  me

that wherever I go he has to go as well.

So nothing bad can happen.

I think I am going nut’s,as Ollie’s voice fill’s my

head.

And then I think about the other kid’s at school

and what they will think of Ollie.

The next morning I arrive at school,with Ollie

holding my hand,via a length of string.

The other kid’s see me and start pointing and

laughing.

They ask me’What’s with the balloon’.

And I tell them that the balloon is my friend Ollie

and that he can talk.

Well all their mouth’s drop,they cant believe what

they have heard.

A talking balloon,is all to much for kid’s to under stand.

They say that if the balloon can talk,let’s hear him.

So they pick up some rock’s and start throwing them

at Ollie,to try to make him talk.

But Ollie doesn’t talk,he start’s to scream.

He scream’s in my head.

The screaming wont stop.

It just goes on and on.

I tie Ollie to a fence post,while I go into class.

It will be good to get some peace and quiet.

But the peace and quiet doesn’t last for long.

‘Come and get me don’t leave me alone’

Over and over again,all day long.

That voice fill’s my head.

The school bell goes for the end of the day.

I race and untie Ollie and tell him to stop talking.

But he doesn’the just goes on and on.

I think my head is going to explode.

I have had enough

So I pick up a pin from the kitchen table

And I stick it in Ollie.

With a bang Ollie explode’s

Ollie is deflated.

Oh yes,the sweet sound of silence.

I do all my homework,watch some TV.

Then it is time for bed.

I brush my teeth,say goodnight to my

parent’s,and climb into bed.

A couple of hour’s later I am woken by a

tapping on my bedroom window.

I cant believe my eye’s.

Cause floating  there is Ollie,inflated.

With a band aid over the pin hole.

If look’s could kill.i would be dead now.

With a murderous stare,Ollie start’s screaming

in my head.

You might have a pin,but I have a gun,and pretty

soon I am gonna have some fun.’

As quiet as a kid can be I race downstair’s,go to

my school bag,and pull out my slingshot.

I race outside,to my bedroom window.

And Ollie is still floating there.

Our eye’s meet,and before Ollie can do anything.

I load my slingshot with a stone,and from about

twenty feet I aim and hit Ollie.

Ollie explode’s and fall’s to the ground at my feet.

I pick up Ollie,race upstair’s,throw him in the toilet

and press flush.

I press that button ten time’s,just to make sure Ollie

has been flushed away.

The next morning thing’s are back to normal.

I go to school on the bus,talk to my friend’s.

The thought of Ollie doesn’t even enter my head.

When I arrive at school,i cant believe my eye’s.

There before me are over a thousand blue

balloon’s floating around the school ground’s.

Just then I feel something snap inside my head.

And I know I am no longer a kid.

I am just a shell.

Ollie has gotten his revenge.

I now reside in a home for the bewildered.

I sleep in a padded room.

And eat with a plastic spoon.

I have tube’s coming out of different part’s of

my body.

Trying to keep me stable.

All I can think about are blue balloon’s

especially one named Ollie.

He is Cain I am Abel.

The Human Bean

01 Thursday Jan 2015

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This is a story about a renegade vegetable

who got tired of being stuck in the ground

He wanted to move around.

Out in my vegetable patch

live’s a very strange Bean.

Not a broad Bean,not a string Bean.

But the strangest Bean,you have ever seen.

Little Green Bean,was tired of having it’s root’s

stuck in the ground.

Being on the vine is all good and fine.

But Little Green Bean wanted to live,give

everything a try.

Before he ended up in a stir fry.

While he hung on the vine all day,getting all

the heat from the Sun.

Something was happening to the Little Green

Bean.

Now this Little Green Bean,is’nt a Mexican Jumping

Bean.

And Jack and the Beanstalk,is nowhere to be seen.

The star of this story is the Little Green Bean.

A stranger Bean you have never seen.

Well the thing that was happening to the Little

Green Bean.

Was something better then the most vivid of

imagination’s.

Much  better then the dawn of creation.

The Little Green Bean started to grow arm’s

and leg’s.

And then it grew a head.

It was no longer a Little Green Bean

It was a Human Bean.

The Human Bean crawled down from the vine.

And started to whisper,in what you could say,

was a voice.

It started to whisper to the Carrot’s and Pea’s.

It walked over to the Herb garden,and whispered

some word’s of wisdom.

We are going to rise up,and start our own kingdom.

Soon all the vegetable’s and Herb’s are getting

together.

Shedding their root’s and leave’s.

Talking about a Revolution when vegetable’s  rule

the world.

The Little Green Bean get’s on the Grapevine

To try and spread the word.

‘We are Vegetable’s,We will be heard’.

The Little Green Bean,is tired of all the talk about

Beef,Chicken,and different cut’s of meat.

With the Vegetable’s pushed to the side.

Now that thr Vegetable,s are on the march

you better run and hide.

But the renegade Vegetable’s didn’t count on

human revenge attack.

And their number one weapon

Sergeant Pest A Side.

Sergeant Pest A Side went on the offensive,and

sprayed the whole Vegetable patch.

The Vegetable’s have come to realise that they

have met their match.

The Vegetable rebellion has come to a sudden end.

You know Carrot’s and Pea’s can only put up so

much resistance.

They wore their raincoat’s and held up their

Umbrella’s,but the pesticide got through.

Don’t let no one tell you that Vegetable’s are

yellow.

Cause they are really a good bunch of fellow’s.

The Vegetable’s have fought the fight

but the fight is over.

They have gone back to living with the weed’s

and Clover.

But the Little Green Bean is still there if you look

close enough.

He might be Green,but he is mighty tough.