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I have never been on time
not once in my life.
I live in my own little world
Where time seems to move in
another dimension.
It all started on the day I was born.
I was three day’s overdue.
My mother was pushing and pushing.
I finally came out with a sound like
a whoopee cushion.
It was all noises and pains
I could have sworn.
That was the day I was born.
My first day going to school.
I get up on the Sunday morning
all excited.
Where is everybody?
Am I late?
No,you fool,you are one day early.
I finally get it right and get to the Bus
stop at 8.55.
That’s a pity,cause the bus left five
minute’s ago.
My body is fine.
But my mind is on ‘I don’t want to go
to school’ time.
When I was nine yrs old
I started to play Rugby League.
We played in black and gold.
The same colour’s as the Tiger’s.
We played our game at three
but I arrived at four.
I don’t play Rugby League no more.
I got to buy myself a watch.
Or maybe I can tell time by the Star’s.
Yeah right,maybe I can also live on Mar’s.
I don’t mean to be late
I alway’s want to be on time.
Just like the weather alway’s want’s to
be fine.
But it never seem’s to work out that way.
My first day at high school
And I am freaking like a freak.
My mouth is open
But I can not speak.
First lesson is at 9.00am
I roll up at five past.
I try to sneak in,maybe the
teacher want notice.
He noticed alright,he gave me
six hit’s of the cane.
Jesus,that hurt
I am a skinny little fellow
And I hated being hit by that piece
of willow.
Why couldn’t I be late for that?
For pain,i am on time
For fun,i am alway’s late
The other kid’s saw through all of
my ruse’s.
And in revenge,they gave me a whole
lot of pain and bruise’s.
Finally,my last day at school
I am all smile’s and high five’s
I got out of that fucking hell alive.
Sorry for getting off the subject
Which is,Am I Late?
But writing this brought back memorie’s
that I detest.
Maybe now,i can lay my school day,s to rest
After all that cruelty and humiliation
that they call education
I am ready to move on
My first day at work
Am I late?
Yes I am,but it wasn’t my fault
I read the bus timetable wrong
and I arrived a bit late
probably by about two hours
My boss wasn’t impressed
And he asked me ‘Cant you read a watch
or a clock?’
I said of course I could
‘Maybe you can suck my ‘
So,anyway,at my new job interview
I am only fifteen minutes late
I told the interviewer,that I had
to wash my Cat.
He just pointed at the door
And that was that.
I was unemployed for a while
I had interview after interview
I was never on time
But I liked the sleep in’s
getting up in time for lunch
But I was running out of cash.
So anyway I met a girl,named
Yolanda.
She was really cute,with a face
like a Panda.
Things were getting hot and heavy
you know,in the bedroom
I was really going well
But then I had this feeling
‘Oh no’
For once in my life,i was early.
Yolanda wasn’t impressed
with my premature finish
And she kicked me out of bed
and I landed on my butt.
I got a bruise,and a nasty little cut.
So after a few girlfriends
I think I have finally found the one.
Her name is Samantha
She is tall and leggy
And she purrs like a Panther.
On our wedding day
I go to the wrong church
Am I late? Of course.
I finally find the right church
I am a little bit late
Only by about an hour and a half
Samantha isn’t impressed
She thinks for a while
And then she kicks me up and down
the church aisle.
Samantha is right footed
And she kicks like a mule.
She wont stand for any nonsense
She is nobody’s fool.
Why am I always late?
I cannot answer that question
I think there is a glitch in my system
I have a lot of ambition
But not much wisdom.
Well anyway,the wedding went ahead
pretty much on time.
only two hours late
Samantha gave me a look
Like she was a shark
And I was the bait.
That was ten years ago
Today is our anniversary
Sometimes we are friends
Sometimes I am her adversary.
We have three lovely kids
two girls and a boy
I missed every birth
I just cant be on time
I missed seeing my kids
take their first breath.
I cant turn back time
I am ashamed by my lack of
punctuality.
People have always told me that I
will be late for my own funeral
Well I hope they are right
That is the one time
When I will gladly be late.
Shit,whats the time?
I have a Doctors appointment
I should have been there an hour
ago.
Why do the hands on my watch move
so slow?
I hold it to my ear
I can hear the ticking
And ten years on and Samantha
is still kicking
I gotta go
I have to stop writing this story
Cause Samantha is the Shark
And I am the John Dory