I have never been on time

not once in my life.

I live in my own little world

Where time seems to move in

another dimension.

It all started on the day I was born.

I was three day’s overdue.

My mother was pushing and pushing.

I finally came out with a sound like

a whoopee cushion.

It was all noises and pains

I could have sworn.

That was the day I was born.

My first day going to school.

I get up on the Sunday morning

all excited.

Where is everybody?

Am I late?

No,you fool,you are one day early.

I finally get it right and get to the Bus

stop at 8.55.

That’s a pity,cause the bus left five

minute’s ago.

My body is fine.

But my mind is on ‘I don’t want to go

to school’ time.

When I was nine yrs old

I started to play Rugby League.

We played in black and gold.

The same colour’s as the Tiger’s.

We played our game at three

but I arrived at four.

I don’t play Rugby League no more.

I got to buy myself a watch.

Or maybe I can tell time by the Star’s.

Yeah right,maybe I can also live on Mar’s.

I don’t mean to be late

I alway’s want to be on time.

Just like the weather alway’s want’s to

be fine.

But it never seem’s to work out that way.

My first day at high school

And I am freaking like a freak.

My mouth is open

But I can not speak.

First lesson is at 9.00am

I roll up at five past.

I try to sneak in,maybe the

teacher want notice.

He noticed alright,he gave me

six hit’s of the cane.

Jesus,that hurt

I am a skinny little fellow

And I hated being hit by that piece

of willow.

Why couldn’t I be late for that?

For pain,i am on time

For fun,i am alway’s late

The other kid’s saw through all of

my ruse’s.

And in revenge,they gave me a whole

lot of pain and bruise’s.

Finally,my last day at school

I am all smile’s and high five’s

I got out of that fucking hell alive.

Sorry for getting off the subject

Which is,Am I Late?

But writing this brought back memorie’s

that I detest.

Maybe now,i can lay my school day,s to rest

After all that cruelty and humiliation

that they call education

I am ready to move on

My first day at work

Am I late?

Yes I am,but it wasn’t my fault

I read the bus timetable wrong

and I arrived a bit late

probably by about two hours

My boss wasn’t impressed

And he asked me ‘Cant you read a watch

or a clock?’

I said of course I could

‘Maybe you can suck my          ‘

So,anyway,at my new job interview

I am only fifteen minutes late

I told the interviewer,that I had

to wash my Cat.

He just pointed at the door

And that was that.

I was unemployed for a while

I had interview after interview

I was never on time

But I liked the sleep in’s

getting up in time for lunch

But I was running out of cash.

So anyway I met a girl,named


She was really cute,with a face

like a Panda.

Things were getting hot and heavy

you know,in the bedroom

I was really going well

But then I had this feeling

‘Oh no’

For once in my life,i was early.

Yolanda wasn’t impressed

with my premature finish

And she kicked me out of bed

and I landed on my butt.

I got a bruise,and a nasty little cut.

So after a few girlfriends

I think I have finally found the one.

Her name is Samantha

She is tall and leggy

And she purrs like a Panther.

On our wedding day

I go to the wrong church

Am I late? Of course.

I finally find the right church

I am a little bit late

Only by about an hour and a half

Samantha isn’t impressed

She thinks for a while

And then she kicks me up and down

the church aisle.

Samantha is right footed

And she kicks like a mule.

She wont stand for any nonsense

She is nobody’s fool.

Why am I always late?

I cannot answer that question

I think there is a glitch in my system

I have a lot of ambition

But not much wisdom.

Well anyway,the wedding went ahead

pretty much on time.

only two hours late

Samantha gave me a look

Like she was a shark

And I was the bait.

That was ten years ago

Today is our anniversary

Sometimes we are friends

Sometimes I am her adversary.

We have three lovely kids

two girls and a boy

I missed every birth

I just cant be on time

I missed seeing my kids

take their first breath.

I cant turn back time

I am ashamed by my lack of


People have always told me that I

will be late for my own funeral

Well I hope they are right

That is the one time

When I will gladly be late.

Shit,whats the time?

I have a Doctors appointment

I should have been there an hour


Why do the hands on my watch move

so slow?

I hold it to my ear

I can hear the ticking

And ten years on and Samantha

is still kicking

I gotta go

I have to stop writing this story

Cause Samantha is the Shark

And I am the John Dory