I went to a football game the other day

I sat on the grass on the hill.

My favourite team won

they were in for the kill.

I am my thirteenth beer

some goes in my mouth

but most of it I spill.

My shirt is saturated

I feel like a bit of a dill.


Man this grass and dirt is really


my arse is completely numb.

I have to get out of here.

I have a dire rear.

I decide to take flying lessons

I will be in charge of a plane.

I feel like Steve Mc Queen or

maybe John Wayne.

The Instructor shows me what

controls to push.

But they all look the same

My mind is losing control

then it starts to rain.

I cant see a thing

the instructor takes the reins

if anything should happen

he is to blame haha

This pilot seat is like a slab

of concrete.

Get me out of here

I have a bad dire rear.


I think I would be a good race car


So I go to the track

All of me went that day

But part of me didn’t come back.

Things are going well

I am racing through the gears

Going really fast around the bends

This is easier then I thought

What was I worried about.


The steering wheel feels a little


Like a wheel has lost its balance.

The wheel hasn’t lost its balance

it is bouncing down the track.

My butt cheeks clench

I try to keep control

Just get me out of here

I have a bad dire rear.


Ok that didn’t go so well

maybe I should find something

a bit more mellow

I am going to become a fire fighting



Naturally they put me in charge

of driving the truck

I pray to Jesus wish me luck.


A call comes in

a house is on fire

I slide down the pole and jump

into the drivers seat

I turn on the siren

I am out of here

But maybe I should wait for the other

fire fighters.


Ok we are all on board

I race to the scene at a hectic pace.

It brings back memories of when I

used to race.

The memories aren’t good

This will be better touch wood.


We arrive at the scene

I am going a little fast

I sort of clip the kerb

and demolish the fire hydrant

Water flies into the air.

But not where it is supposed to go

The house I am sorry to say is lost

This fire fighting seat is little to hot

Get me out of here

I am sorry to say

I have a bad dire rear.

I have always liked the water

So my next job

is the Captain of a cruise ship

I travel the world

going from city to city

I am in control of a ship the length

of three football fields.

It makes you stop and think

This ship is in control of Colonel Klink.


Coming into Newcastle harbour

just past Nobbys head

I sort of over steer

and run right into the pier.

People scatter

the whole wharf disappears


Whoops maybe I should stick to


This Captains seat is a little to hot

to handle.

Just get me out of here

I have a bad dire rear.

I have come to realise that I have to

play it safe.

My next job will be sitting down

until I chafe.


So I apply to become an Astronaut

and to my surprise I am accepted

to the course.

Maybe they haven’t heard about my

last job

where I almost destroyed a city.

Somebody should have checked

that is a pity.

First day on the job

wearing an anti gravity suit

I pass the G force test.

that is a miracle right there

And I fly off to the stars.

I am sitting next to a Monkey

floating past the Milky Way

On my way to the control panel

my hand brushes against a lever.

The Monkey flies past

on his way to somewhere

And I just felt something land in

my underwear.

Please God get me out of here

I have a bad a really bad dire rear.