All of the paperwork has gone through
And I finally get to move into my new house.
All the packing and unpacking is a bit of a pain.
But I have nothing to lose.
But plenty to gain
I can finally relax the house is mine
I am just sitting on my back verandah.
having lunch and a beer or two.
thinking about nothing
just enjoying the view.
The next day I decide to do some gardening
Rake some leaves and tidy the yard
But after I rake the leaves
up pops a Bamboo shoot.
I let out a hell of a curse
and I squash it with my gum boot.
I go to the garden shed and I get myself
some Round Up.
I will poison that Bamboo before it can grow
After giving it a good spray
I go inside for a good cup of Tea.
and maybe a little snooze
And hopefully no more Bamboo blues.
A few hours later after a good lay down
I watch some TV and eat some left over Pizza.
Then I go to the kitchen to wash the dishes.
I look out the kitchen window and I cant believe
That Bamboo that I sprayed earlier has grown
another two foot.
It is like I gave it fertilizer instead of poison.
I go outside and I dig up that Bamboo roots and
I give the ground another good spray
Maybe now that Bamboo will stay away.
It is time to go to bed
I set the alarm and go to sleep.
From the Bamboo
I don’t hear a peep.
I get up the next morning to go to work
But first I need a cup of Coffee to help me
start the day.
Waiting for the kettle to boil I look out of my
And for the love of God that Bamboo has
overgrown the whole backyard.
Maybe I am dreaming am I still asleep
I rub my eyes and have another look.
The yard is full of Bamboo six feet tall.
I call work and tell them that I want be in today
It looks like that Bamboo needs another spray.
I fill the container with straight Round Up
And I go to give it a dose.
But I look at that Bamboo
and I know that it sounds strange.
But the Bamboo starts to look
I feels its eyes upon me
and I realise that I am dealing with
a mutant strain.
A strain straight from hell.
I race inside before that Bamboo gets
inside my mind.
A good plant is so hard to find.
All of the excitement has gone straight
to my bowels.
And I race to the toilet.
and I grab myself a seat.
‘Oh yes that’s better’ what a relief.
Then I feel a tickle on my arse.
I look down and see a Bamboo shoot
in the water
This freaking Bamboo has no class.
I pull up my pants as fast as I can
Trying to escape Mr Bamboo Man.
I get to the bathroom door and I look
The Bamboo is filling the whole room
It has an amazing reach.
And another thing it has grown is a set
Those chompers are chomping romper
They are starting to eat my house.
Like a fuel injected Bamboo infected
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know where to hide.
All that I know is that the Bamboo is
playing for the other side.
The Bamboo with the pearly whites
I s eating my house bite by bite.
But I want give up without a fight
I wonder if Mr Bamboo Man has heard
the word Dynamite.
I plant twenty sticks of Dynamite around
my house and yard
I realise that I am playing my final card.
Mr Bamboo Man doesn’t care and he gives
his chompers a floss.
But I am about to show him who is boss.
Now where did I put my matches
I need to light the fuse.
I strike the match and I blow my place
I want to see Mr Bamboo cry
As I wave him goodbye.
I can feel the earth rumble
And I can hear Mr Bamboo Man grumble
As his little world begins to crumble.
Well the explosion was heard from twenty
And my house disappears into a whole
bunch of splinters.
Like the ice crack of a thousand winters.
Where my house stood is now just a block of
Mr Bamboo Man is nowhere to be seen
That is the end of that nasty fiend.
I told my insurance company that Methane gas from
an old mine caused the explosion.
And after an investigation
they agreed with that notion.
After all what else could it be?
I now have a new home
I am stress and Bamboo free
A whole new life in front of me.
Bamboo shoots and Bamboo teeth
are a thing of the past
I am now free at last.