Monthly Archives: August 2015

Hamish The Amish

29 Saturday Aug 2015

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Hamish Spencer has got a dilemma

It is 2015

But he lives in the year 1859

You see Hamish is Amish

And they shun the modern ways

They like to live in the dark ages

But to Hamish it is not dark at all

He wants to see the light

He has the right

Hamish lives in Lancaster County Pennsylvania

He gets around the streets in a Horse and Buggy

And he would do anything to have the chance to drive

a Car

There is no electricity at home

His Mother with a wood fuelled stove

His Father owns no power tools

Everything is done by hand

Sitting at home one night Hamish lays in his bed

dreaming about the outside world

He is reading with the aid of a Candle

It flickers and stirs up his imagination

He finally falls to sleep

But his mind is still wide open

Hamish is Sixteen and his dreams leave him frustrated

and sticky

Don’t get me wrong Hamish loves the Amish ways

But he also dreams about a life outside the Church

Hamish is a Male and his Hormones are flowing

His get up and go is getting up and going

Another day of home schooling and living his life in

the past

History is all well and good but you have to live your

life in the here and now

One day Hamish and his Father ride the Buggy into town

to pick up some supplies

After loading up the Buggy with bags of flour sugar salt

and a whole lot more

His Father tells him that he has some business to attend to

and that it will take him about an hour

Hamish feels self conscience sitting in the Buggy wearing

his white shirt Black pants with suspenders

Amish hair cut and Hat

He sees a group of teenagers approaching and he tries to

disappear but no such luck

They stop and they ask him about the Horse and does it

have a name?

He tells them that it is a working Horse and it hasn’t got a name

Hamish starts to relax as the teenagers talk and ask questions

Billy is Eighteen and the other males are Ethan and Mike and

they are both Sixteen

The Three Females are all Sixteen and their names are Sally

Anne and Bronwyn

Hamish and see that his Father is returning and he tells them

that they should go as his Father  doesn’t like him talking to

the townfolk

Sally tells him that they are going to the Drive In on Saturday

night and does he want to go?

Hamish feels his Heart racing but he nods his Head

Sally tells him that they will pick him up at Eight at the corner

of Old Farmers Road

They all say goodbye and Hamish can see that his Father has

seen him talking

His Father Abraham without saying a word clips Hamish behind

the Ear and tells him to stay away from the locals as they will lead

you astray

Hamish tells that they only wanted to know the Horses name

His Father just nods his Head and they head for home

But all Hamish is thinking is ‘What is a Drive In?

Saturday arrives and Hamish is nervous as a Kitten

He tells his Mother that he is going to the Neighbours to visit

some friends

He makes his way to Old Farmers Road and hopes that he isn’t late

Then he sees a Car speeding down the road

And then it skids to a stop

Billy is driving a rusty old Cadillac

But to Hamish it is a brilliant machine

He climbs into the back seat and he sits next to Sally

His skin tingles as their Hips touch

He has never been so close to a girl

He checks out the interior as he says hello to everybody

He cant believe how fast they are going

Everyone is talking at the same time

Then Hamish starts to feel guilty as he thinks about his parents

His Mother will be doing her needlepoint

His Father will be in the Barn making his Furniture

Just then Sally squeezes his thigh and the thoughts of his parents

disappear

They have arrived at the Drive In and Hamish cant believe the size

of the screen

Sallys hand starts to wander and Hamish says the Lords name

But not in the way that he normally does

But the moment is lost when Ethan asks him if he would like a Beer

Hamish has never touched alcohol and he thought that he never

would

But he finds himself reaching for the Beer

He has a little taste he doesn’t like it

But he drinks the Beer to fit in with the others

The Beer goes straight to his Head

But Hamish is relaxed and talks with the others while he watches

his first ever Drive In Movie

He isn’t quite ready to go past first base with Sally

He is still a Virgin

He isn’t quite sure what to do next

Sally squeezes his hand and tells him that it is alright that

there is plenty of time

After the Movie Billy drives towards home

But then he pulls off to the side of the road and Mike and Anne

ask Hamish if he would like to smoke some weed

Again to fit in Hamish has a little drag and then another

He is feeling a little stoned as he climbs out of the Car to walk home

Sally asks him for his mobile phone so that she can send him a text

Hamish explains that because he is Amish he doesn’t own a mobile

phone

They all agree to meet at the same place and time next Saturday night

And then Hamish says goodbye and starts to walk home

He cant believe that he rode in a Car and went to a Drive In

Drank some Beer and smoked some weed

He sneaks in the back door and goes straight to bed

But he cant sleep he is starting to have second thoughts

Again he thinks of his parents and all of the lies that he has been

telling them

Hamish spends the next week doing his chores around the Farm

Milking Cows mending fences just helping his Dad

He has also reshod the Horse with no name

Saturday night is here and Hamish is looking forward to seeing his

new friends again

But when it is time to leave he finds his Mother and Father sitting at

the Kitchen table

He tells them that he is going over to the neighbours again

His Mother gets to her feet and tells Hamish not to lie that they know

that he isn’t going next door

Hamish has been caught in a lie

He tells his Parents that he has made some friends in town and that he

wants to drive a Car and see the outside world

Then without a good bye Hamish leaves the house of his upbringing

Perhaps for the last time

Once again he meets Sally and the others on Old Farmers Road

This time they just go to the local park to hang out and talk and

maybe get a little high

But this time Hamish doesn’t touch the drugs

Sally and him decide to move away from the rest for a little privacy

Just as things are starting to get heavy Hamish starts to think of his parents

and how he has deceived them

Hamish tells Sally that he is going home

He is Amish and he is proud to be Amish

Sally says that she understands and with a kiss they sat goodbye

About an hour later Hamish arrives home and walks through the front

door

His parents are still at the Kitchen table looking worried and fretful

Hamish just walks up to them and gives them a hug and he tells them

that he is home for good

He has had a taste of the outside world and he can wait a while before he has another

So Hamish and his Parents celebrate with Chocolate Cake and a reading of the Bible

Hamish is Amish and he always will be

He is glad that he is home

Never again will he roam

It just goes to show that the Grass is not always Greener on the other side of the

street

It all could be just a clump of weeds

Just stay where you are safe to satisfy your needs.

The Worms

22 Saturday Aug 2015

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Billy Baxter is just five years old

And this is his first day at school

Billy Baxter is a good kid

Billy Baxter is cool

Getting off the School Bus Billy makes his way to his first class

After wandering around finding his way Billy finally finds the

right room

He sits down and straight away he feels something rotten wriggling

around in his bottom

Billy starts squirming on his chair he doesn’t know what to do

His Teacher notices that Billy is looking uncomfortable

and he asks Billy does he need to have a toilet break

Billy nods his Head and he runs out of the classroom

Billy runs as fast as he can but he cant stop the inevitable

He is embarrassed as his Bowels empty

But there isn’t any crap all he can see are about fifty white

Worms each about four inches long

The Worms scatter in all directions and as they move they seem

to be growing

Billy is feeling very weak as he makes his way back to class

But about halfway there all of the classroom doors are flung open

as about three hundred kids  try to reach the toilets

But most of them don’t make it and there is an eruption of the Worms

all over the corridor floor

The kids are all wandering around in bewilderment they don’t know

what is happening

Why are they shitting Worms and where did the Worms come from?

Billy has had enough and he slowly makes his way home

He has to get away from the Worms maybe his Mum has all of the

answers

She will give him some Medicine and all will be well

He shudders as he thinks about the Worms from Hell

Arriving home Billy shouts out to his Mother

But there is no answer and there is a chill in the air

Billy knows that he should get the fuck out of there

Billy just said the F word for the first time in his short life

Billy knows that he is in the middle of a whole lot of strife

But he has to know what has happened to his Mother

Maybe she has gone shopping maybe she is drinking a Coffee

or she is getting her Hair cut

But Billy has a sinking feeling deep down in his gut

Opening up the front door Billy can hear a weird sound coming

from the back of the house somewhere near the Kitchen or maybe

the hall

God maybe Mama has taken a nasty fall

Billy runs inside but of his Mother there isn’t any trace

Her Car is in the driveway her handbag is on her Bed

Where can she be?

Billy doesn’t know what to do so he just heads back to school

Maybe all of the Worms have gone away?

Maybe tomorrow will be a Worm free day?

No such luck

Billy arrives at the School grounds and it looks like the Worms

have done the rounds

Pupils and Teachers lay on the ground writhing in agony as

the Worms crawl in one hole and out of another

Billy cant stop thinking what happened to his Mother?

The Worms are getting bigger  some are the size of a Cobra

some the size of an Anaconda

Billy just stands there his Mouth open in wonder

Where did the Worms come from?

Did they come from outer space?

Will they spell the end of the Human race?

Billy is still standing there with his Eyes bugging out

When someone grabs him by the Arm into the Library

It is a young girl who goes by the name of Mary

Mary is Eight years old and Billy is Five

Two little kids just trying to stay alive

They stand there at the Library window watching the carnage

outside

The Worms are getting so big you could almost take them for a ride

Billys and Marys hands each other and become entwined

If Billy could find the remote he would press rewind

Life before the Worms was pleasant enough

Billy tried to act big and tough

But now that the Worms are here

Maybe big and tough want be enough

But big and tough is all that Billy has he is only Five but he

tries to act Sixteen

Even though he has a Baby face he tries to look nasty and mean

Billy and Mary walk the back streets of town looking over their

shoulders not making a sound

At the edge of the Soccer field they see a person being devoured by

about  twenty Worms

Billy feels something in his gut wriggle and squirm

The Worms are getting bigger they seem to be growing by the hour

Billy and Mary hide behind a Tree frightened and cower

The Worms are now twenty foot long and as thick as a Mans thigh

Billy knows that the time is right to be mister tough guy

But first things first Billy goes to a public restroom to put his stomach

at ease

But the pain gets bad and Billy falls to his knees

He feels the Worms coming out and they land with a plop

Billy

What he could do with now is a Worm destroying Cop

He and Mary go to the Community centre to see if they can find

anymore people still alive

There is only an old couple the local Mechanic and a guy named

Clive

So out of a population of about a Thousand people only Six have

survived the Worms attack

Billy just wants to run and never come back

But he cant do it he has to save his town

The only way to go is up he is tired of being down

The old couple are  a Mr and Mrs Armstrong from Carlyle street

They race over to Billy and Mary and tell them to have a seat

They want to hear the latest news

Are the Worms still on the rampage?

Is the town going to make it?

But Billy and Mary have no answers  there is nothing but empty streets

except of course the giant Worms

There is no one to meet or greet

The Mechanic Wayne has been working with spanners for a lot of years

While Clive is the town oddball but he is harmless enough

They both just sit there shaking but they are glad to be alive

Billy doesn’t know what to do but he has to come up with a plan before the

Worms spread any further

Then Billy remembers how he has been shitting Worms and then flushing the

toilet

So now the Worms are in the Water system

He tells the others that if they have been shitting Worms not to flush the

toilet

Just fill the shitter with Bleach and maybe that will kill them

Even though Billy is only Five he has become the leader he tells Wayne and

Clive to collect as much Petrol as they can

And then we will all meet up at the Church in half an hour

Mr and Mrs Armstrong are talking with Mary trying to think of a way to kill

the Worms

Billy tells them that he has come up with a plan

And then he tells them all about it

A half hour later they meet up with Wayne and Clive

They have filled about twenty containers with Gasoline

Billy tells them to pour the gas all around and don’t spare a drop

Hopefully now they can give the Worms the chop

Billy then opens the front of the Church and he gives a little whistle

And Mary up in the Church tower starts to ring the Church Bells

All of the Worms look up at the sound of the Bells

To them it is the sound of the dinner bell

They all wriggle and squirm their way inside

And when they are all of the way inside Wayne slams the front door

shut so the Worms cant escape

Billy joins the rest of the survivors at the churches back door

And with one strike Billy lights a match and throws it inside

Then he slams the back door shut

With a whoosh the fire catches and the Church begins to burn

Hopefully there will be a thousand fried Worms

Billy thinks that he can hear a screaming sound coming from inside

But he just walks away with out a second thought

Over the next few days Billy and his crew go around town killing off

any stray Worms

The danger is abating the Worms are all gone and the town is still standing

Except for the Church

Then Billy remembers the Worms that got flushed into the water supply

Will it ever end just when he was feeling proud and covered in glory

Will Billy finish off the Worms?

You will just have to wait cause that is another story

 

Driving Under The Influence ( Of Money )

16 Sunday Aug 2015

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Brandon Caulfield III was born under a bad sign

But he thought it was good

His family lived in a big house

in the right neighbourhood

They say that some people are born with a silver spoon in their

mouths

Well Brandon was born with the whole cutlery set

A bigger spoilt brat you have never met

His family made there fortune in Oil Timber and Cotton

It makes you wonder why Brandon turned out so rotten

His forebears owned one of the biggest plantations

In the southern part of the nation

At his first day at school Brandon was driven by his Nanny

They arrived in a big shiny Mercedes Benz

Brandon has family he doesn’t need any friends

He went inside and he told the Teacher that he was the head

of the class

The other Students looked at him like he was a Cockroach

There was just something about him so they didn’t approach

Brandon thought that he was the master of the ceremony

He thought that the Sun rose at his asking

He loves the spotlight he can do some basking

Brandon Caulfield III is special just ask him

He lives and breathes for the family money

In this land of Milk and Honey

At Fifteen Brandon met a girl named Roxanne

And after a few weeks they began to go steady

Brandon treated her bad he used her like trash

He thinks he can do anything because his family has cash

A few months later Brandon wasn’t wearing any protection

And he planted his dirty seed

Roxanne was left all on her lonesome

Brandon didn’t care and he headed for the hills

Cause he knew that his Daddy would take care of the bills

When Brandons Daddy heard of the situation

He sent a heavy around to Roxannes place

$100,000 should take care of the situation

Plus a few slaps of gentle persuasion

Brandon meanwhile had started to meddle with drink

and drugs

He used his mouth and his fists a little too much

He was always off his face he was starting to lose touch

Daddy didn’t disciple Brandon he just gave him more money

Surely money will make the problem go away

But the problem is a big one and it is here to stay

Ice Meth Speed Brandon has tried them all

He drinks it down with Bourbon up straight

Daddy megabucks better wake up before it is to late

But Daddy cant see the forest through all of the trees

Brandon needs help he needs some rehabilitation

But Daddy has other ideas of how to deal with the situation

He gets one of his sidekicks to drag Brandon home

Brandon is dragged inside kicking and screaming

No more drugs or Jim Beaming

For three months Brandon is locked in his room

He is going stir crazy but the drugs are slowly leaving

his system

There are no more drugs hidden in the toilet cistern

To celebrate Brandons success Daddy buys him a brand new

Corvette

Brandon is Eighteen and eager to please

But his whole world is about to fall to its knees

Brandon is just driving around just cruising

Then he visits his old drug dealer to get a little something

But he takes more then he should

And his Brain cant cope nobodies could

Then he visits a liquor store and gets back behind the wheel

But the combination of the drink and drugs has pushed his

body too far

He shouldn’t even be walking let alone driving a car

Brandon doesn’t see the Stop sign and he drives straight through

it

There is a sound of broken glass and metal

Then the sounds of sirens and crying

Brandon just killed five people and he wasn’t even trying

His car has T Boned a Cadillac the people inside didn’t stand

a chance

The crying is coming from Brandon as he climbs from his Corvette

If he thinks he has seen trouble

He hasn’t seen nothing yet

Brandon just wanders around he hasn’t even got a scratch

The Cops give him a roadside test to see if he is sober

But Brandon is incoherent they know that he is well over

Brandon is taken to the local precinct and placed under arrest

He calls his Daddy who screams down the phone

And Brandon knows that he isn’t going home

Even now Daddy tries to buck the system and he attempts to

bribe the Judge

The Judge gives Daddy a mouthful then he calls the Sheriff

Daddy is placed in handcuffs

Yeah Daddy enough is enough

He still thinks that his money makes him immune

Daddy is going for how long I cant tell

Maybe he and Brandon can share the same cell

Brandon has his day in court and he is charged with the murder

of five people

The Judge gives him five life sentences

Brandon hangs his head as he is led away

Where he is going you cant see the Sun

The law and karma have come together

to take away his fun

Destructo

09 Sunday Aug 2015

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Destructo is a Machine

Nobody knows where it comes from

Or who controls it

Destructo travels the Universes swallowing up all the

Space junk.

It weaves between the Planets and Moons sucking up

all the Floatsam & Jetsam that Humans and Humanoids

have discarded.

The year is 4074 and Humankind can no longer live on

Earth.

The Planet is a toxic wasteland polluted by Nuclear fallouts.

Caused by Human ignorance and stupidity.

Fortunately Humans have established settlements on a few

Planets plus a large population on Earths Moon.

Mars is home to ten thousand Neptune about five thousand

and another five thousand call Saturn home

But the biggest population is on the Moon where fifty thousand

plus people have lived since 4050

Destructo is doing its rounds cleaning up the debris Satellites

Space Capsules it is constantly amazed by the amount of junk

that is floating around.

But Destructo isn’t complaining it is proud to be a Space Janitor

But there is a dark side to Destructo it is being monitored by a

sinister cartel of Orbs and Ruins

Humanoids of the most evil kind

They want to control the Universes the Orbs are the dominant

partner

But the Ruins have the Brains

Brains and brawn the perfect combination

Every time Destructo swallows down space junk it is

digesting information

It travels down his digestive tract and the knowledge is

absorbed

And the spam goes out of its bung hole

On the Earths Moon the United Council is having their

weekly pow wow.

Trying to keep a growing population happy isn’t easy

They live under six giant domes

Four are the living quarters one for food cultivation

And the last dome is for the water supply

Each dome is connected by corridors each dome is the

size of about ten football fields

The air supply comes from piping that sucks in the Moons

atmosphere

Then as it circumvents around the dome it is converted into

breathable air

The meeting breaks after a few hours with the only major

concern being that of boredom

And the lack of variety in the food

You can only eat so much Lentils Chick Peas and Corn

Destructo is still doing its rounds swallowing up all sorts of

metal and information

It is amazing what some Countries throw out as they do their

space explorations

As Destructo does its cleaning up service it passes by an unnamed

Planet

Destructo knows this Planet well he calls it Planet Creepoid

Every time he passes his outer shell shivers and its bung hole

quivers

Destructo is always glad to see the back of the place

Destructo has every right to feel uneasy because Planet Creepoid

is home base for the Orbs and The Ruins

The Orbs stand Eight feet tall with yellow scaly skin and a personality

like an over active Piranha

The Ruins are deformed and ugly like you would get if you crossed a

Gargoyle with a Shih Tzu

The leader of the Ruins one ugly mother who calls himself the Wise One

has his eye on Destructo and he is thinking that maybe a delegation of Ruins

could hitch a ride

And see what is on the other side

The Ruins are after their own Planet away from the domineering Orbs

The Orbs want to rule the Universe but all that the Ruins want is a Planet

to call their own

Destructo is sort of misnamed cause it really is a big soft metal Puppy

But it is big and mean looking so it came upon its moniker from an

unknown source

Destructo doesn’t know that it is being monitored by the Orbs

A seed has been planted in its upper compartment

But that seed is yet to sprout

The Wise One starts to whisper to the seed in Destructo telling

it to stop by so a boarding party can climb aboard

Destructo is feeling fuzzy he doesn’t know why it is landing on

Planet Creepoid

The Wise One and his underlings sneak onboard

Then he tells Destructo to fly to a Planet where his people can live

in peace and quiet

The leader of the Orbs a mean dominating prick named Ug has seen

Destructo take off with the Wise One stowing away

So the Wise One thinks that he can double cross Ug and get away with it

Well the Wise One is in for a surprise

Ug tries to whisper to that same seed but somehow the Wise One has blocked

his ability to get through

So Ug tells one of his subjects to prepare his Spacemobile for immediate takeoff

Destructo doesn’t know why but it is flying to the Earths Moon

He only did his clean up there a week ago

As they get closer Destructo loses all sense of control

And even though he doesn’t want to he lands on the Moons surface

And almost crashes into one of the domes

The Humans rush out only to be confronted by this huge metal machine

As big as an old fashioned Aircraft Carrier

Destructo is one mean looking machine

The Wise One sends out one of his underlings out to breathe the air

The underling survives and gives a little wave as he walks on The Moon

Oh yes The Wise One thinks this is the Planet for my people

A Planet of our own away from the Orbs

Ug the Orb Commander has followed Destructo on its flight to the Moon

So the Wise One thinks that he can just get up and leave

Just wait till he sees what I have up my sleeve

The United Council is wondering what is install for them as they watch

the ugly creature wave to the big machine

They are then left dumbfouned as they watch the machine takeoff

Lets just hope that they stay the fuck away

Destructo is still feeling fuzzy as he returns to Planet Creepoid

He watches as his stowaways disembark

He wants to get away from here before it gets dark

But there is no such luck for Destructo because Ugs thoughts are finally

getting through The Wise Ones blockage to Destructos metal Brain

Destructo feels like a Puppet with a broken string

Or a Bird with a broken wing

As the Wise One walks down the corridor to his living quarters he isn’t paying

attention and he is grabbed by two of the Orb guards and taken to the Prison

For The Damned

This is to be the Wise Ones last stand

A week later he is visited by Ug  and told that it is time for a celebration

The Orbs are about to expand their territory

All thanks to the Wise Ones sojourn to the Earths Moon

The Orbs have found a second Planet to call home

And it will be a Human free zone

The Wise One cant believe his ears this is his vision for the future

for his people

And Ug has come along and pulled the wool over his eyes

The Universe will now be full of blood red skies

In the final humiliation Ug tells him that his people will now become the

slaves for the Orbs

The Ruins are now nothing more then a people of serfdom

They no longer have a home or their freedom

The Wise One tries to protest but his vocal chords are severed by a

sharp blade

Then Ug scoops out his eye balls so he can no longer see the here

and now.

Then he slices off his ears so he cant hear the cries of his people

The Wise One is now nothing more then a shell

He is on his way to a place called Hell

Ug is feeling rather pleased with himself he has defeated his

sometime friend sometime foe

He has found a new place away from this overcrowded Planet

He is Ug the ruler of the Universe Goddammit

Destructo meanwhile has been sitting there idle feeling a little

rusty

But one thing that he knows is that his thinking is clearer

Something must have happened  his machine head is fuzzy free

He is thinking just like you and me

Ug is going to use Destructo as a Taxi Cab service

To ferry his people down to the Earths Moon

To start a new colony

To start a new chapter of the Orbs existence

Just hope that there is no resistance

But resistance there will be

Destructo is a Space Janitor he is a one machine cleaning crew

Not a transporter for an evil empire

Destructo knows that it is time to fight fire with fire

With the death of the Wise One Ug and the Orbs are using and

abusing the Ruins

The Ruins are well in Ruins they are no match for the much bigger

and stronger Orbs

Anniliation they are heading towards

Destructo is fuming there is nothing more annoying then a bully

Nothing annoys Destructo more then someone who doesn’t know their place

And that Ug is nothing more then a Dictator of the skies

It is now time for Ug to say his last goodbye

Destructo is normally a calm quiet machine

But enough is enough that Ug has to go

With a few sprays of WD40 Destructo lubes up his joints

and he is ready for battle

I f all goes as planned Ug will soon hear the death rattle

On board Destructo is a weapon that has never been used

That weapon is the Chromatimiser

It attacks the Chromozones and DNA of a targeted species

Then there is nothing left but a pile of faeces

Destructo flys back and forth over the Planet Creepoid releasing

its deadly payload

An invisible mist rains on down and the Orbs unknowingly breathe

it in

One by one the Orbs slowly unravel and they just liquefy  till they are

nothing but a stinking poo of flesh and blood

In his castle Ug is one of the last to die he cant believe that his dreams

want come to past

And then that motherfucker breathes his last

The Ruins don’t no what is happening  as they watch the Orbs dissolve

20 Million Orbs no longer exist

If that Ug was still around he would be mighty pissed

The Humans on the Moon have no idea how close they have come to

extinction

They are oblivious as they go about their business

They still live and breathe on their home away from home

Under their giant domes

Destructo is back at work cleaning up the Universes sucking up

all of the space junk

He is feeling god to be back

Destructo is just cruising around pleased to be back doing his job

But don’t get Destructo angry don’t get on his bad side

Because even in 100 universes there is nowhere to hide