Monthly Archives: September 2015

Electronic Friend

25 Friday Sep 2015

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I am out and about doing a bit of this and a bit of that

But I am bored out of mind as a matter of fact

I am buying some food

Trying on some clothes

This whole shopping thing gets right up my nose

After about five hours I have no more money to spend

So I head on home to my Electronic Friend

My Electronic Friend is a Playstation number four

I turn it on power it up I cant stand the waiting no more

I cant wait to start playing you no what I am saying

But before I no it it is 2am and today is a work day

Call Of Duty is still playing in my head

As I stagger towards my bed

Three hours later my alarm goes off to the sound of a

Rooster

I make a strong Coffee for a bit of a booster

I jump in my Car and make the long weary drive

I arrive at work tired and weary feeling barely alive

For about Eight hours I try to concentrate

I am really trying

But it is so boring and one by one I can feel my Brain

cells dying

The Clock seems to be going backwards the second hand is going

so slow

But finally it is time to go and I don’t want to be late

Cause I am heading home to my Electronic mate

My Electronic mate is a huge LED TV screen

A sleek lean arse kicking machine

I t plays all of my favourite movies

All of my documentaries and shows

Use the remote to fast forward rewind or press pause

I love my Electronic mate because you know just because

Another working day and I am having so much fun

I am being  sarcastic

I just hope that today goes pretty damn quick

And what do you know it bloody well did

So I say goodbye to my workmate Sal

And o go home to my Electronic pal

My Electronic pal is a Xbox that I haven’t played before

I am going to try to get a really high score

After I set up I grab a drink and settle in my favourite seat

There is a score that I really have to beat

That score was made by my friend Larry Joes

My hands become a blur as they manouver the controls

I am winning I take a strangle hold and I squeeze and

squeeze

And I bring Larry Jones and his score to their knees

It is Saturday morning and I visit my parents and run some

errands then I go and buy some food

I chow on down getting in a really good mood

But all good things must come to an end

And I race home to my Electronic friend

My Electronic friend is a new laptop computer

I start it up and do some Internet exploring

Google Yahoo You Tube is cool never boring

But then I must have hit the wrong button because all

I see is porn again porn again porn again porn porn porn

porn porn

I think my laptop is about to overload

And I think I am about to explode

I switch off the computer and try to catch my breath

I think I have become addicted to everything Electrionic

I know that it is all in my Head but my addiction has become

chronic

To get away from it all I decide to go for a walk

I grab my keys and my mobile phone

A phone that can do everything but talk

I close the front door and I start to unwind

I walk for hours down around the Lake

To keep my mind off all things Electronic I think of my

favourite food which is Cake

I don’t know how much more of this I can stand

I have to toughen up and be a Man

Then something starts to vibrate in my pocket

It is my little battleship rocket

My Mobile phone is Electronic

I just need a little fix

So I find myself a nice secluded spot

And I don’t even think twice

I whip out my Mobile Electronic device.

Magic Carpet Weaver

19 Saturday Sep 2015

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In the Northern part of Iran lives a Carpet weaver

He owns a shop at the edge of a Bazaar

In the back room of this shop is something quite

bizarre

Abdul Abdullah is a fifth generation Carpet weaver

He makes them all by hand with the aid of an ancient

loom

In that dusty spiritulised eerie room

When tourists enter Abdullahs Carpet Eporium

They lose all sense of decorum

Something attracts them

Just like a Moth to a flame

Once inside their lives will never be the same

The façade of Abdullahs is nothing that a good Architect

would design

But it serves its purpose just fine

A lot of tourists just walk right on past

But others cant walk past it is like a spell has been cast

An American tourist with an uneasy smile is walking his final

mile

He doesn’t know it but he has a Blood disease

But deep down he knows that all is not well

Abdul is standing at his front window watching the tourist

Then he asks the tourist to step inside

‘and would you like to go on a Magic Carpet ride?’

The American doesn’t know what to say to this

But he steps over the threshold

And into the realm of the unknown

The American is a long way from home

Once inside the ancient store the American is guided to

a Burgundy Curtain at the back of the room

The space behind echoes with the sound like a sonic

boom

Abdul pulls on the Tassel and the Curtain slowly parts to reveal

an area full of sparks

The air is full of static electricity charges the atmosphere

The American is thinking ‘What in the fuck am I doing here?’

The centre of attention is a Magic Carpet that is hovering about a

foot up from the floor

It measures five foot by ten or more

Blue and Purple with flecks of Yellow

At the sight of it the American starts to feel very mellow

The American walks towards the Carpet and he climbs

onto the magic bunch of threads

Then he starts to feel different visions

Like he has one hundred Heads

Abdul tells him to sit down in the middle of the rug

And then when you are ready just give one of the threads

a little tug

The American closes his eyes and says a little prayer

He feels that he is in an Angels care

So he relaxes and he goes on that Magic Carpet ride

Then he travels to the other side

But he is not there to stay he is there for some treatment

and a remedy

As he flies through another dimension the American

can feel the heat in his Blood and Bone Marrow

The Carpet travels through  the Strait of the Narrows

In a fractured sky the Carpet flew

Into the Black and out of the Blue

The American can feel his Blood beginning to cleanse

He has gone from a cracked vista to a clear lens

Even though the Carpet didn’t actually go anywhere

It didn’t travel to Heaven on a winding stair

It did cure the American

His Blood disease is now a figment of his imagination

He has been back and forth from the dawn of creation

Even though the American has been cured

He isn’t in the clear

Because now he knows a secret a secret that he cant share

He cant whisper it in an Ear anytime or anywhere

But being an American he cant keep his Mouth closed

There was no need for water boarding or a rubber hose

The American talked and he talked loudly

There is no need for a Microphone

He wants to tell the whole world

Not just one person at a time

So the American calls a press conference

But when he starts to talk he is struck mute

The Magic Carpet Weaver has played a Magic Flute

The secret has been kept for over ten thousand years

Through sweat and Blood and a Million tears

The American is now silent and suspended up in space

He has no name and he has no face

Abdul Abdullah is feeling mighty pleased with himself

He has kept the secret with a bit of magic and a little stealth

But Abdul has noticed that a few journalists are still snooping

around

So he decides that it is time to go to ground

So for about a year Abdul goes about his business just selling

Carpets and Rugs to the locals and the tourists

He keeps a low profile waiting for the unwanted attention to die

down

Behind the Curtain the Magic Carpet is still giving off sparks from its

Magic threads

It needs some action

It is going stir crazy it is going off its head

The trouble is if you keep a Magic Carpet idle you are in for a whole

lot of trouble

It will wrap itself around you till you start seeing doule

But trouble is averted Abdul decides that the time is right for a

relaunching

So he gives the Magic Carpet a bit of a spring clean

Then on a quite Tuesday afternoon Abdul puts his thoughts and

Brainwaves out there just like Honey to a Bear

He wants to attract someone willing to take a dare

And that someone walks straight up to Abduls front door

She doesn’t know why she is here

But through the mist of a painful tear she saw the Carpet store

and she knows this is where she has to be

She has cried enough tears to fill the Mississippi

She knows that something is eating her inside

She can feel it in her Bones

She knows that she is not looking her best

If only she could sit down and have a rest

I should stop calling her she because she has a moniker

And no it isn’t Monica

Her name is Rachel and she comes from France

Rachel knows that this is her last chance

The Doctors have told her that she has only six months

to live

Cancer takes it doesn’t give

As Rachel gets closer Abdul whispers to the wind

And the sound reaches Rachels middle Ear

Maybe a cure is finally here

Rachel takes a step inside Abduls place

And a look of hope lights her face

She has nothing to lose but plenty to gain

She is about to ride the Magic Carpet Train

Abdul guides Rachel to the Curtain

Behind it is the cure to her hurting

The Magic Carpet is getting frisky it has been confined for to

long

Will it sing a happy or a sad song?

Rachel cant believe when she sees a Carpet hovering above the

Earth

Is it time for a death or a rebirth?

Abdul tells Rachel to climb on up to close her eyes

She is about to fly through a Crimson Sky

Rachel closes her Eyes and she dares to dream of a cure

She feels like a little Girl once more all innocent and pure

As  the Magic Carpet flies between the Mountains and the

Valleys

From the Skyscrapers to the Bowling alleys

Rachel feels like her body is inside a washing machine

But she can feel herself becoming nice and clean

Her Cells and Molecules are becoming free from the Disease

The Magic Carpet is friendly and eager to please

Rachel has gone from a body riddled with Cancer

To a smiling nimble smooth dancer

At Abduls Rachel has returned from her Magic Carpet ride

She is cured and feeling free and easy

Her Blood is flowing nice and smooth non greasy

Rachel steps off the Carpet  and she is thankful for the ride

Because she is now playing for the Cancer free winning side

The Magic Carpet is back behind the Curtain

And it isn’t an Iron Curtain

It is a Carpet for the sick and the needy

And the Carpet turns its back on the rude and the greedy

It hasn’t got time for people who treat other people wrong

You can sing all you want

But you have to sing the right song

Abdul the Carpet Weaver is satisfied

The Magic Carpet is performing better then he expected

Abdul is waiting for the next Carpet rider  he waits as he weaves

and weaves

He hasn’t got anything up his sleeves

All you have to do is believe

Bucky The Beaver

14 Monday Sep 2015

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This is a story about Bucky the Beaver

Who lives in a dam  in North America near the

Canadian border

Bucky is a bit delusional

Cause he thinks he looks a lot like Justin Beiber

But with his two huge front teeth

He looks more like a water loving Wombat

Or an overgrown Dam building Rat

Buckys problem has always been his Teeth

He is always chewing and gnawing

but his Teeth continue to grow

Bucky is normally calm and just goes with the flow

But his Teeth are a real problem they are getting

him down

Bucky has come to realise that he has to make his

way into town

So Bucky stands on the side of the road with his

Thumb out

But out in the wilderness there aren’t that many Cars

about

About an hour later a Pontiac pulls over and the driver

offers Bucky a ride

But doesn’t know whether to take the ride or run and hide

Cause the radio is blaring way too loud

But he gets in the front seat and tells the driver to take

him to the nearest town

And can you turn that music down?

The driver turns down the radio and then she gives Bucky

the once over

‘Man you are one ugly Mammal with your greasy fur’

‘And you are showing way too much enamel’

Bucky thinks Mammal you might as well call me a freaking Camel’

Bucky is feeling down and his Head hits the ground

He cant that the driver was so Goddamn rude

Another Human with a bad attitude

Bucky tells the driver to stop and he slams the door as he climbs out

He crosses the road with tears welling in his Eyes

He goes to a puddle to see his reflection

It takes him a while to form the connection

His two front Teeth are now four inches in length

His Knees buckle God give me strength

If Buckys Teeth don’t stop growing he wont be able to eat

He needs a solution and he needs it quick

Or Bucky is going to get mighty sick

But first off Bucky needs some water he is starting to dry out

With a swim and a frolic Bucky gets in a better mood

But what he really needs is some food

But Buckys Teeth are getting longer even as we speak

Even longer then a Sabre Tooth Tiger at its peak

It isn’t funny anymore Bucky is in a bad place

With those two huge Cuspids spread all over his face

As Bucky is having a wash he notices that he is wahing

in a River maybe he can swim down stream and get some help

He can survive on good wishes and a mouthful of Kelp

So Bucky does the backstroke he doesn’t even know where he is

going

He just drifts with the current into the unknown

Then he lands in the Puget sound

As Bucky hits the shore he shakes himself off like a Dog

He feels like a furry tailed thumping Frog

Then he sees the bright lights of a town or a city

His high hopes get a bit of a lift

Maybe he can find a well wisher bearing a gift

Arriving in town Bucky comes to a Butcher shop

Maybe the Butcher can use a meat cleaver to give his

Teeth the chop

Walking inside Bucky sees a Butcher with a meat cleaver

and an apron full of Blood and gore

At the sight of the Blood Buckys Eyes roll back

And he lands with a thud on the floor

But seeing that Beavers only stand one foot tall

The fall wasn’t a big one

Bucky was more embaressed then hurt

Bucky gets to his feet and brushes off the dirt

Then he scampered to the door

He want be going back there no more

Bucky crosses the road and there is a sign that said

‘Mechanic on duty’

Maybe the Mechanic can put his Teeth in a vice and use

a hack saw

And cut his teeth down to size

But then again maybe that wouldn’t be so wise

So Bucky keeps on walking looking for another solution

for his toothy problem

For his two front Teeth are now 9 inches long

Buckys Stomach starts to rumble

He needs to eat and he needs to eat now

He would even eat the hoof off a Cow

Once again Bucky is walking and this time he comes to

the door of the local Chinese

After reading the menu he orders a bowl of soup and a straw

Because of his Teeth Bucky cant chew no more

With a slurp and a burp Bucky finishes off his lunch

Then he goes to pay the bill the Chinese Waitress at the

register looks Bucky in the Eye ‘You are one ugly Mammal

why don’t you get your teeth fixed?’

‘You should go to Dr Wu’ Who? ‘No Wu he is the best Dentist

in town

He is also the only Dentist in town

Bucky hasn’t got a choice and he waddles towards the Dentist

door His Teeth are now so long they almost hit the floor

He walks inside the Dentist office and the Receptionist gives

him a startled look ;Man you are one ugly’ she doesn’t get to

finish before Bucky screams out’ I  am not a Mammal I am a Beaver’

The Dentist door flies open and Dr Wu comes running out to see

what all the noise is about

He has one look at Bucky and ushers him inside

Bucky sits in the Dentist chair and he starts to relax

But then he sees the size of the Needle

And he lets out a silent scream that can only be heard by Dogs

And he wishes that he was home gnawing on some logs

Dr Wu places the gas mask over Buckys face

And soon Bucky is sleeping like a Baby

Then Dr Wu starts sawing and filing while his Assistant sucks

up the drool

Then the good Doctor does some buffing with a noisy tool

After the buff and polish Bucky wakes up from his snooze

Will the result be good or bad news?

The Doctor hands Bucky a mirror and Bucky cant believe

his Eyes

His Teeth are shiny and sparkling and back to normal size

Bucky is now back home building a Dam in his favourite pond

He has a full Stomach and he is chewing and gnawing on his

favourite cuts of wood

Bucky with his new pearly white Colgate smile

He is now back home for good.

My Eyebrows And Me

05 Saturday Sep 2015

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I was about Eight years old when I realised that my Eyebrows

were a pair of deceivers

Every time that I told a fib that would give the game away

They would just sit up and kind of sway

The first time I noticed was when I was in the kitchen raiding

the cookie jar

When I heard the door slam on my Mothers Car

I tried to act all innocent and I gave her my angel smile

I saw her eyes go to the cookie jar on the bench top

And I felt my Eyebrows give a jump skip and a hop

My Mother gave me a funny look and then she started to

leave the room

Phew I let out a sigh of relief as I swallow the last little crumb

I just got a sneaky one past my Mum

Then my Mother turned around and with a smirk she told ‘Steven

you forgot to put the lid back on the cookie jar’

‘And what is the go with the Eyebrows Anyhows’

Even though I didn’t actually tell a lie

My Eyebrows still couldn’t keep a secret

I go into the Bathroom and have a look in the Mirror

Maybe I can Supa Glue my Eyebrows to keep them in place

Maybe sew them together to hold them down

Maybe shave them off and look like a Buddist Monk

Maybe apply some Gel and fill my Eyebrows with gunk

At my first day at High School I told the Maths Teacher

that I was good at Addition

I told the Science Teacher that I was good at Chemistry

The English Teacher that I could read a full length novel

And I told the Gym Teacher I was good at all sports

Which is a lie of sorts

I could do some of these things

But most of them I couldn’t

I told a lie even though I knew I shouldn’t

My Eyebrows are stunned at my constant lying

They try to sit still but they are tired of trying

At Fifteen I had sex for the first time

But I told the girl that I had done it about ten times before

She says ‘If that is the case how come you performed like a Virgin’

I told her that I didn’t want to show off and use up all of my moves

God I have to stop lying I can feel my Eyebrows twitching

Lucky it is dark and she cant see my face

It is red all because I tried to big note myself

I go to my first job interview

I told a few lies on my resume

So I made a few things up no one will ever know

The Interviewer asks me questions about my experience

and qualifications

He cant understand how I can how five years experience

when I am only Seventeen years of age

I guess I didn’t think that one through

Something went wrong with my equations

I started to stutter and stammer

My Eyebrows were cartwheeling

I f only you knew how I was feeling

The interviewer knew that I had been a bit liberal on my

resume

And he just pointed at the door and said ‘Don’t come back

here no more;

I actually thought about naming my Eyebrows

Bill and Ben Abbott and Costello  Penn and Teller are a few

that come to mind

A reliable pair of Eyebrows are so hard to find

At my engagement party my girlfriend asked me if she was

my one true love

I look at her in the Eye and I whisper sweet nothings in her Ear

I keep her nice and close  so she cant see my Eyebrows jumping

But not to close or she will feel my Heart thumping

She has been my one and only Girlfriend

Maybe it is time that I saw someone else

Maybe I should listen to my inner self

And leave my Girlfriend sitting on the shelf

But once again I lie to my girlfriend and I tell her that

she is still the one for me

But my Eyebrows cant control themselves

And they start to move like two Caterpillars on heat

But then I tell my Girlfriend maybe we should start to see

other people

Just to see with we can breathe without each other

Well I am breathing okay I don’t need an Oxygen tank

I have more money to put in the Bank

I can finish a sentence without been told what to say

Who needs a Girlfriend anyway?

My Eyebrows start to move like two little Mice that have drunk

a gallon of red cordial

They are hyper from all the artificial colours and flavours

I am sorry for all of my lying misbehavers

Well anyway a year has gone past and my Girlfriend and I have

got back together

We have out lasted all of the lies and stormy weather

I know she is the one cause our Hearts beat as one

Her body heat feels better then the heat from the Sun

Our Wedding day has arrived and I am nervous but excited

at the same time

I am sure that I am doing the right thing but only time will tell

My Sweetheart looks sexy in her white Wedding dress

My Eyebrows start to tremble under all of the stress

Good God not now fellas

Just stand at ease please please please

The Priest starts off by greeting all of the guests

Then he begins to read the vows

I wonder if the room can feel the tension coming from my brows

Then it is time to say the I do’s

The guests are getting nervous and start to wriggle in the pews

My wife to be says the magic words I Do

And then it is my turn

But my mouth is dryer then ashes in an urn

I try to say the words but my Brain has shut down

My Sweetheart runs out of the Church tearing off her Wedding

gown

As you can guess I am now lonely and single

Maybe it is time to get out and mingle

There is no need to Supa Glue my Eyebrows to keep them in

place

Or sew them together to hold them down

I will not shave them off to look like a Buddist Monk

Nor use Hair Gel to fill them up with gunk

My Eyebrows are now doing just fine

They do what they are supposed to do

They shade my Eyes

So I get a better view

The reason that my Eyebrows are doing well

Is because a lie I will not tell

So just tell the truth and your Eyebrows will stay in place

And that will surely bring a smile to your face