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When I was about Ten years of age

A group of friends and I were playing Cricket

in my backyard

A garbage can for Stumps

A piece of wood for the Bat

But at least we had a real Cricket Ball

 

Well it is my turn to bat

And I hit the Ball real hard

I tried to keep it on the ground

But I got a top edge and the Ball went flying

through the air

And straight through the Neighbours Bathroom

window

 

Well I nearly pissed my pants

And I took off on the double

Cause I knew I was in a whole lot of trouble

I ran and hid behind the wood pile

Then I started to relax after I had been there for a while

But before I could take a little peek

I let go a tiny left cheek squeak

 

Damn I was busted

I knew those Onions that I had for Dinner

last night couldn’t be trusted

I got grounded for a week

And I got the wooden spoon across me Arse

And I had to pay for a new sheet of glass

 

A few Months later I was visiting a couple of friends

Who lived in the House behind my back fence

They liked to sit around and watch Movies full of

action and suspense

I wasn’t one to sit around watching Movies

I liked to sit around talking about hot chicks

While munching on some Hot Chips

 

My friends names are Jeffrey and Norman

And this afternoon they are home alone

Their Parents are away a long way from home

 

After sitting around for awhile our Stomachs

are a rumbling

Which pretty soon turns into grumbling

I am so hungry I could eat a Horse

Or better still Hot Chips with sauce

 

So Jeff and Norm grab some Potatoes and cut

them into fries

Not too big or too small

Just the right size

 

We heat up some oil and throw in the Spuds

Then I watch some TV with my best buds

We got talking and forgot all  about the Stove

And the Oil got real hot and overflowed

 

Whoosh and the whole House filled with smoke

and ash

The three of us looked at each other and did the dash

 

Jeff and Norms Parents arrived home at the same time

as the Fire Brigade

While the three of us are hiding shitting bricks and

afraid

We were hiding under the House

The Fire was contained to the Kitchen

So why was their Mother still moaning and bitching?

The Fire is out

But our Stomachs are full of Butterflies

I really don’t feel like explaining the hows and the whys

We are laying low we dare not speak

But then I let go another left cheek squeak

 

Well this time I got a belting I couldn’t  sit on my Butt

I was red raw and pretty well cut

But I got what I deserved

And we had to pay for the Kitchen to be repainted

And when my Mother saw the bill she almost fainted

 

A few years later a friend of mine decided it was time to

walk down the aisle

To a girl named Vicky Babbage

The Bride was fashionably late and we were all waiting

for quite awhile

My guts were churning with last nights meal of Chicken

Chinese with Cabbage

I was feeling uncomfortable and mighty bloated

If I went for a swim I think I would of floated

 

Inside the Church the ceremony is just getting underway

People are really filling up the Pews

Just then my gives me some very bad news

As the Priest begins to speak

I let loose a loud left cheek squeak

I look ahead and try to keep a straight face

The Bride  and Groom are both embarrassed

 

A hush falls over the place

I cant stand it no more and I make a quick exit

as fast as I can out of the Church door

I know I have a problem

Sometimes I think that I am going to explode

Sometimes I can even fart in Morse Code

 

I try to eat wiser and get plenty of rest

Cause next week I am going to Pizza Hut

All you can Eat

 

Now that will no Hell of a Test