Monthly Archives: December 2015

The Last Frontier

26 Saturday Dec 2015

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The year is 1865 and the people in North America

are looking for a new way of life

They have fought the Civil War

The Confederates against the Union

North versus South

Now they want to settle down and live their lives in peace

President Lincoln has abolished Slavery

And the Country is now united

How all of the wrongs now been righted?

 

If you listen to the talk on the Streets

Or the talk in the Saloons

Everybody is talking about heading West

To the Wild West

The Newspapers are full of Stories about Families

moving to Colorado California or Texas

Some Families are even going North to Oregon

Montana and Virginia

Where the Sheriff wears a Gold Star

And the Drunks fill up all of the Bars

 

There are also Stories about the Red Indians who don’t

like the presence of the new Settlers

With Bow and Arrow they defend their land

And they will defend it to their land to the Death

So if you are thinking of making the move West

Think before you Saddle up your Horse

And pack up all of your troubles

Because the going is tough out there

There is no time for any tears

Out there in the New Frontier

 

One of the families about to make the move

Is the Olsen family from South Carolina

Tomorrow they will join a Wagon Train travelling

to the other side of the Country

The Parents Percy and Joan and their two kids Mary

Anne and Jim Bob

Their Wagon is packed with all of their Worldly possessions

They are not really sure where they are going

But they will know it when they get there

They will travel under Gods care

 

The next Morning they are all awake before the Rooster

can crow

They are all too excited to get any sleep

They eat their last breakfast at home

Before they travel to the Wild West

 

On the corner near the Blacksmiths the other

Travellers are waiting for the Olsens to arrive

And then the journey can begin

The journey full of Murder Mayhem and Sin

 

The Wagon Train is on the move on the way to the

New Frontier

Twenty Wagons long they travel the dusty winding

tracks

They have read all of the Stories about the Natives

About the slaughter Blood letting

With all of the Rivers flowing Red

But all the Natives are doing is protecting their land

And their way of life

Percy Olsen and the other settlers know and understand

this

But all they want is a new start

To raise theirs Kids in the Sunshine

Surely there is plenty of room

In this land of the free

Just take it all from them

And give it all to me

 

Percy Olsen has dreaming for years about moving his

Family to California or maybe Colorado

Build a Log Cabin on a small parcel of land

Raise some Livestock and grow some Corn and Maize

Grow some Vegetables and just live off the land

As he holds the reins of the Horses  pulling the Wagons

towards his Dream

He looks up to the Sky all grey and cloudy

The Sky in Colorado is always bright and clear

He cant wait to reach the New Frontier

 

 

In Colorado Chief Running Deer of the Cheyenne tribe

Is sitting in his Tepee smoking the peace pipe

Thinking about the Pale Face invasion

Life was good before their arrival

Hunting Buffalo with their spears and Bow and Arrow

Now the Pale Face shoot them all with their sticks of fire

If it goes on like this there will be no more Buffalo left

for his Braves and Squaws to eat

 

The Pale Face are like a swarm of Locusts devouring the land

They are never happy with what they have

They are always wanting more

The Pale Face are building Farms on the Indian Hunting

grounds

Taking all of the Fish from the Creeks and Rivers

Their Horses hooves and Wagon Wheels break up the top soil

and erode away the land

This Pale Face menace is getting out of hand

 

The Olsen Family and the other Travellers are making steady progress

Despite a few broken Wheels Sunburn and Diarrhea

But that is what happens when you eat nothing but Corn and Beans

But everybody is happy to be on this great adventure into the unknown

The Kids are going stir crazy screaming  ‘Are we there yet?’

The Mothers quieten down the Kids while the Fathers enjoy a Beer

They are all thinking about the New Frontier

 

Chief Running Deer is tired of fighting the Pale Face

Fighting all of their diseases like Influenza Smallpox and Cholera

They have all taken a heavy toll

Plus a lot of the Braves have taking to drinking the Firewater

An Alcoholic drink that the Pale Face brought West

His people has little resistance to the Pale Face diseases and Whiskey

They are all either sick or drunk

Now they are only good for weaving Baskets and collecting Firewood

Something has to be done

The Pale Face have to be gone for good

 

So Chief Running Deer climbs to the summit of Snake Mountain

And sends smoke signals to all of the surrounding Tribes

The Crow Arapahoe and Blackfoot

There has been tension between the Tribes or years

But now they all need to come together to defeat a common enemy

 

The Pale Face with their Fire Sticks Diseases and Firewater

Need to be sent packing back to their homes

Or come this Summer the Sun will be bleaching their Bones

 

But the Pale Face also have some help

A new Fort has been built only a Mile from the Cheyenne camp

With over 500 well equipped Soldiers they will be hard to beat

Besides their Rifles they have Cannons that shoot giant Balls of Fire

Chief Running Deer is awaiting a return Smoke Signal

Hopefully the other Tribes will agree to a Pow Wow

 

After Three Months of travelling the Settlers  Wagon Train has reached the edge

of Colorado

They have reached Beaver River which forms the Border with Kansas

Once they cross over they will have reached the promised land

But promises are sometimes broken

Promises aren’t always kept

Which is what the Olsens and the other travellers are about to find out

They are about to find out what the Wild West is all about

 

Chief Running Deer has just received a return Smoke Signal from the other

Chiefs

And the news is good

All of the Chiefs have to help in any way they can to stop the Pale Face

invasion

By force or by gentle persuasion

 

And Chief Running Deer has a couple secret weapons

In the shape of the Witch Doctor and the Rainmaker

The Witch Doctor will cast a spell on the Pale Face

While the Rainmaker will try and raise a flood

A Flood not seen since Biblical times

All of the Rivers will join together

And wash away the Pale Face menace forever

 

The Olsens and the others are settling in well

They have all built Log Cabins on the shore of Beaver River

Completely ignorant to the fact that they are tresspassers

They shoot more Buffalo then they can eat

And catch Fish Beavers and Otters because there is nothing else to do

But the Pale Face are about to shd a whole lot of tears

There will be Hell to pay in this New  Frontier

 

The Chiefs of the other Tribes are true to their word

And Ten Thousand Braves are on their way to Beaver River Colorado

But Chief Running Deer knows that there will be heavy loses on both sides

So he is hoping that the Witch Doctor and the Rainmaker can get together

and manipulate Nature

But if they cant he will unleash the Warriors and Braves

And the West will be awash with Blood

The Native American and Pale Face Blood will flow together

And in a way they will become Blood Brothers

 

So the Witch Doctor and the Rainmaker climb to the top of the Mountain

The Witch Doctor sits in the dirt and chants to the Sky

He wants some help from the magic of the Gods

He chants and chants and offers up different potions

If the chants and options work when the Sun comes up tomorrow

every Pale Face in the West and North of the Continent will be struck

Deaf Dumb and Mute

Kicked out by a giant Moleskin Boot

 

The Rainmaker starts his dance and he to calls to the Gods

In particular he calls to the Gods of Ice and Water

 

Then about an hour later the sound of Thunder is heard

In over 27 States the Sky turns Black and the Rain begins to fall

Up North in Oregon Montana and Virginia the Ice begins to melt

And in those 27 States  all of the Rivers start to rise and overflow

100 Rivers join as one as if they can hear the ghost of Moses

The Water will rise and rise

Right up to the Pale Face Noses

 

Just before Sunrise the next Morning Percy Olsen rises to milk his Cows

He notices that the Sky has gone from Blue to Black

And just then every Pale Face in the West and North can no longer

Hear Speak or Think

And everyone of them is gurgled down a Native American Sink

 

Slowly the Water recedes and things get back to normal

The Crow Arapahoe and the Blackfoot go back home

Not one drop of Blood has been spilt

And as the Cheyenne go about their business

There is not  a Pale Face in sight

Chief Running Deer is glad that there was no need to fight

All of the Tribes can now sleep easier at night

 

Back in South Carolina Percy Olsen and the other travellers wake up

drenched in a local Levee

They can all now Hear Speak and Think

They don’t understand what has happened

But they are now back where they belong

 

Back in Colorado Chief Running Deer is happy living peacefully with

his Braves and Squaws

There is now no need to fight anymore Interacial Wars

 

No Native American or White Man was harmed in the writing of Story

And of that I am glad.

 

 

Silence Of The Clams

19 Saturday Dec 2015

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Blah Blah Blah

I am hearing a voice in my Eardrum

One of my workmates is bending back my Ear

And he is just in first gear

This could go for two hours until our next break

Doesn’t he know that silence is golden

For fuck sake

 

After about thirty minutes his words are going

in one Ear and out of the other

My Brain has shut down and run for cover

My workmate is a good guy

He just talks too much

He thinks that his words have got the magic touch

But I have heard all of his stories before

But I don’t want to hear them no more

 

So I decide to follow my Brains example

And go to a different space

But I keep the ‘I am listening’ look on my Face

 

The place I go to is way beneath the waves

I swim with the Turtles and the Stingrays

Then I dive down to the Ocean bottom

The reason I am is long forgotten

And them through the muddy water I can see

that I have reached

The silence of the Clams

 

Clams are cool cause there mouths open and close

all day and all night

But not a sound is heard

You can listen all you want

But you wont hear a word

 

Hang on someone is pulling on my Arm

And I am brought back to reality

My workmate is still talking for Heavens sake

Thank Christ it is almost time for a break

 

After work I go to the Barber to get a Haircut

And I get a sinking feeling in my Gut

There are about Ten guys waiting their turn

I can feel my Stomach starting to churn

The guy in the chair is getting short back and sides

I sit in a chair and try to hide

 

The Barber is talking about the Weather

And ‘Wasn’t it hot today’

Then everybody is talking at once

Everyone has to have their say

The Barber is Clipping Combing and flapping

his Gums

Everyone is squirming in their seats uncomfortable

with a very numb Bum

 

The customer climbs down from the chair

And thanks the Barber for doing a great job

The Barber ‘That’s ok see you later Bob

The next Customer climbs up

Only Nine more to go

Everybody is still talking at once

Yapping to and fro

 

Then I feel my Brain drifting off to my place

beneath the waves

I block everything out

It is the silence that I crave

I am swimming with the Fish and the Mermaids

There is no need for flippers or hearing aids

 

Cause down here you don’t need any Ears

I could stay down here for years and years

And then just like that wham

I have reached

The Silence of the Clams

 

Then I hear the sound of clipping

And Car horns bipping

And I realise that I am back at the centre of Town

My Ears have grown sensitive to sounds

The Barber is telling me that it is my turn to sit

in the chair

I sit back like I haven’t got a care

 

I tell him’Dont take too much off I just want a trim’

But all I can think about is going for a swim

The Barber is talking non stop

About sports the weather he is just shooting the Breeze

I feel like screaming out ‘Can I just have silence please?’

I realise that he is just making conversation

So I slip away before there is a confrontation

 

 

Once again I drift down deep below

Looking cooler then Hans Solo

A Pod of Dolphins are with me as I swim down to the

Sea Floor

And then before I know it Bam

I have reached

The Silence of the Clams

 

Then I hear screaming and I realise it is coming

from me

My Eyes are open

But I don’t believe what I see

The Barber has dyed my Hair Red

And given me a Perm and a style

I wont be going back there for quite a while

 

But it is my own fault for drifting off

And not paying attention

I was swimming with the Dolphins

When the Barber was asking questions

He misunderstood what I was looking for in a Haircut

I didn’t get what I wanted

Anything but

 

So People don’t just talk and talk and talk

Cause your listeners might just take a little walk

Sometimes just have a listen instead

Don’t be so extroverted

Be Cool be introverted

 

So if you are ever in a situation

When someone is talking too much

Just go to your own happy place

Just keep that ‘Im listening’ look on your Face

They will never know

They will just keep on talking.

Im Broken

18 Friday Dec 2015

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I left home when I was Thirteen

Covered in scabs and bruises

I now live on the streets

The street of losers

 

On this street there aren’t any lights

But at least there aren’t any fights

I sleep under the Stars in the dark

On a rusty old bench in the Park

I cradle an Arm still in plaster

That is what happens when you don’t listen

to the Master

 

I had one too many falls down the stairs

I turned my Back and was caught unawares

A fall or a push it is all the same

Cause I would be the one to get the blame

 

Still only Thirteen

But I feel like I am Twenty Five

I have tried every trick in the book

Just to stay alive

Raid the Dumpsters for a scrap of food

At Thirteen I was a street wise dude

 

Late one night a group of guys arrived at my bench

I try to get my butt cheeks to clench

But they pull down my pants

No words were spoken

Im Broken

 

After that I tried all sorts of Drugs

But what I really needed was love

With lots of hugs

But I didn’t get any of that

So I started to live on the fringe

I had found a new Friend

A Drug filled syringe

 

My Eyes are dilated

But it took me away from the life I hated

Why is life such a piece of Shit?

It just piles up from where I sit

Piles and piles of the smelly Brown stuff

Please let me up I have had enough

 

I have to escape this life

But I have a Ball and Chain around my Leg

All I can do is hustle and beg

I sell my body and I sell my Soul

Then I am discarded like a lump of Coal

 

I am nothing but a piece of lint to be brushed aside

So just go inside my Head and try to hide

But I know that is just a token

Im Broken

 

I am hearing voices but not with my Ears

The voices mingle with my fears and my tears

My Head is getting crowded with a a lot of different

identities

I think I am on the verge of insanity

 

Maybe I should live my life in a straight jacket

In a Rubber walled Cell

But I am hearing so many voices who can tell

 

Maybe I am Bi Polar or Schizophrenic

But still the voices tell me don’t panic

I am glad that nobody knows my name

And that I am on the game

But I have to feed the voices to keep them quiet

I just to get down on my Knees

And get through the night

I feel like I am choking

Im Broken

 

I am now Eighteen and taking my Medication

I am off the streets and off the Drugs

Through a lot of hard work and dedication

 

The voices have all gone quiet

The only voice that I hear is my own

If that is a good or bad thing

Only time will tell

In the hope that my life stays sane

I count my blessings and visit the wishing well

 

I am now Twenty Five

With a lovely Wife Two Kids

And a big fancy Car

My past life is so near yet so far

 

I am no longer broken

Just slightly bent and twisted

Sometimes I think about the Drugs

They still need to be resisted

I am now living in a better space

I can walk down the street and show my face

 

Everybody has a past

But you cant live there

You have to live in the here and now

Because tomorrows aren’t forever

Your tomorrow might not arrive with the Sun

But just remember

In somebodies Eyes

You are number one.

La Bestia(The Beast)

12 Saturday Dec 2015

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Juan Carlos grew up as a normal Kid on the back streets

of Madrid

Juan Carlos had a secret

And he has kept it well hid

His Padre played for Real Madrid De Futbol

And he wanted his Son to follow in his footsteps

But Juan Carlos had his own dreams

He didn’t want to walk in his Padres footsteps

He wanted to make his own footprints

He had some Shoes of his own

But to live out his dream

Juan Carlos might have to move away from home

 

The secret Juan Carlos has kept hidden so well

Is that he had a dream of becoming a El Matador

A Bull Whisperer if you want

But he knows that his Madre is against all types of

Bloodshed

But Bullfighting is the first thing that Juan Carlos thinks

of when he wakes

And the last thing when he goes off to Bed

 

Juan Carlos and his little Brother played Bullfighting

in their backyard

His little Brother was always the Bull

Juan Carlos would parry and thrust

And wave his little Red Blanket

His little Brother would rather be playing Futbol

But Juan Carlos just doesn’t understand

 

Bullfighting is a Spanish tradition

You would think that his Parents would be proud

Juan Carlos has Bullfighting in his Heart and Soul

That is the only thing that he has ever wanted to do

So he goes upstairs and packs a few belongings

Juan Carlos will be famous one day you will see

 

When he goes back downstairs his Parents are waiting

And they surprise Juan Carlos by offering him the chance

to enrol in an Tauromachy La Escuala

A Bullfighting School

They only have one condition

And that is that he also has to keep going to School

So he can continue to get educated

His Parents have know idea of the Monster they have

just created

 

Juan Carlos cant believe his Ears

And he gives his Parents a great big hug

They tell him that a new Bullfighting School is opening

in Seville soon

Juan Carlos is barely listening as he runs excitedly around

the Room

 

At Sixteen Juan Carlos leaves home with his Parents blessings

At the Station he kisses his Brother and his Parents goodbye

Then he boards an El Loco to Seville

Where the Headmaster will be waiting

Will his dream come true?

Or will it turn into a nightmare?

Juan Carlos looks out of the El Loco window

With a creepy eyed stare

 

Juan Carlos doesn’t make friends easily at his new School

He is a Loner who just likes his own company

He only makes two friends another Boy named Alejandro

And a lovely Senorita named Lucia

Juan Carlos does well in all of his classes

But it is in the Bullfighting ring where Juan Carlos really

shows his class

And the whole world will gather around and kiss his arse

 

It was clear from the outset that Juan Carlos was a class above

the rest

For a novice he made all the right moves

He is passing every test

Juan Carlos looks at himself in an imaginary Mirror

And he likes what he sees

Is the whole World looking at me?

 

Juan Carlos has illusions of grandeur

He is already Star gazing

He is good and he knows it

But who is the best?

His instructors have told him that Alejandro is catching

up fast

But only one of them can go through

Juan Carlos thinks it has to be me

Alejandro says ‘I know it will be you’

 

But Juan Carlos isn’t going to take any chances

You know accidents do happen

Maybe Alejandro will fall down the stairs?

Maybe catch the deadly Flu

Maybe a Bullet in the Back?

Or a Shark attack

But Juan Carlos is thinking of the El Loco track

 

He suggests that they take a little trip to Madrid

Visit family and have a little fun

Alejandro readily agrees it will be good to get away

for the Weekend

As they arrive at the Station Alejandro is all excited

But Juan Carlos is thinking about Murder

They stand right on the edge of the Platform as the El

Loco approaches

Just then Juan Carlos gives Alejandro a little nudge

Alejandro is now nothing more then a Blood red smudge

 

Juan Carlos isn’t happy

But he is pleased with himself

His main rival is now out of the picture

There is nothing to hold him back now

He is on his way to pride and glory

He will be the best Bullfighter in the Nation

His Parents still have no idea about their creation

 

Juan Carlos is now Twenty years old

And he is starting to attract the Media

He is just where he wants to be

The centre of attention

He has been in the Bullfighting ring ten times

And now Ten Bulls are now dead

Their Blood stains the sawdust

Then it drips into the dirt

If Ten Bulls fall to the sword

Do they really hurt?

Fast forward a few years and Juan Carlos is living

his life under the spotlight

Under the Super Troupers

He goes to all of the right places

And he is spotted with the odd Movie Star or two

He takes the right types of drugs

And is seen with the right type of people

He lives in an apartment on the right Avenue

Now he is the right type of person to

 

If right can be wrong then Juan Carlos is as wrong as they come

He would do anything to be a winner

He is living his dream and nothing or nobody will get

in his way

But now Juan Carlos is about to face his toughest challenge

A fight with La Bestia

The toughest Bull in the whole of Spain

Will Juan Carlos be a loser?

Or will he be a John Wayne?

 

The day arrives and Juan Carlos is the toast of the Nation

He is riding the patriotic wave

The crowd goes wild as La Bestia enters the ring

Now we are all waiting for the Fat Lady to sing

 

Juan Carlos and La Bestia are finally in the same Arena

The best Bullfighter up against the best Bull

At 800 kilos La Bestia is the meanest keenest Bull on the block

And that aint no Bull

The arena is buzzing thirty thousand Spaniards are going crazy

For Juan Carlos the time is right

He is ready for the fight

 

Juan Carlos is pumped his Adrenalin is flowing

He looks at La Bestia standing twenty feet away

He waves his Red rag and La Bestia comes charging

And he is hooked by a Sword to the Shoulder

La Bestia snorts in pain and seems to stumble

But he gets coming back for more

And he is hooked a dozen more times

 

For over two hours the Fighter and the Bull parry

and thrust

Who will tire first?

La Bestia has Thirteen hooks in his Neck and Shoulders

And he is starting to weaken

But then Juan Carlos gets over confident and complacent

And as he waves his Red rag he takes a tumble

 

And that is the opening that La Bestia has been waiting for

And he gores Juan Carlos in the Perineum between the

Scrotum and Arsehole

La Bestias Horn goes right in and Juan Carlos Guts are ripped

to shreds

Juan Carlos lets out a sigh as he feels his life slipping away

Juan Carlos goes down to his Knees

And then he falls flat on his Face

La Bestia has finally put him in his place

 

The Ego has been burst

Juan Carlos the El Matador is dead

He died before his time

But if you live on the edge

You will pay the price

Juan Carlos was a Maestro fighter of the Bulls

But now he lays instate

In an open casket for the Public to love or hate

 

Who is the biggest Beast the Human or the Bull?

I cant swallow any more Crap I am full.

Condom Man

04 Friday Dec 2015

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There is a new Superhero in your neighbourhood

He stands for everything that is pure and good

So if you are in need of a protection plan

You cant go past the Condom Man

He is sleek and rubbery

Ideal for any circumstance

So if you are getting hot and bothered don’t take

the chance

The Condom Man will get you out of trouble

So give him a call on the double

He might be thin and pliable

But the Condom Man will never break

So if you are ever in a dicey situation

Give him a call for goodness sake

The Condom Man gets around in the Prophylactic

Machine

It is shiny and Black a sight to be seen

All lubed up with White wall tyres

Condom Man will ruin the drug dealers

And save all the drug buyers

Condom Man started off by placing an ad in the Yellow

pages

He is full if Testosterone and rages

He wants to save the world one crime at a time

He will rid the streets of all the vermin and grime

At the start the phone didn’t exactly ring off the hook

He couldn’t catch a cold let alone a crook

Then the phone rang some trouble with the local kids

He answers the phone and puts in a bid

He gets the job and drives to the scene

In his latex suit

He looks like a little White Submarine

The Condom Man will enter any crack or hole

Like a Soul destroying heat seeking Mole

He will flush out the culprits and give them a good

dressing down

Like a demented Ronald Macdonald Clown

Well the Kids are all scared out of there wits

Some of them aren’t even old enough to have any zits

But as soon as they see the white tubed wonder from

Down Under

They all do a Men At Work and start to chunder

The Condom Man is glad that he was able to help the

Kids to the straight and narrow

Some of them were so scared he froze their Bone Marrow

The people from the local Neighbourhood Watch are

glowing

The Condom Man is also proud his juices are flowing

But they are all contained in the Glove of Love and desire

The Condom Mans spirits are soaring higher and higher

The Condom Mans first assignment was a complete success

He polished his Cape and passed the test

Batman and Spiderman are both looking over their shoulders

At this new Superhero with a huge set of boulders

But one job doesn’t make a career

Where does the Condom Man go from here?

The phone rings again a Teenager has fallen Twenty Metres

down a Cliff

The Condom Man  has gone from buff to biff

Or is it biff to buff/

Who gives a fuck the Condom Man is mighty tough

The Condom Man arrives at the scene in the Prophylactic Machine

He is nervous and kind of edgy

He feels like Spiderman has snuck up behind him and given him

an Atomic wedgy

But the Condom Man soon regains his cool and composure

He has to reach the Teen before he dies from exposure

So he deflates himself and slides on down nice and easy

Just like a Baby Squid easy peasy

The Teenager starts to hyperventilate

So the Condom Man starts to reinflate

And the Teenager rises like he has been reincarnated

Back from the dead recreated

As he reaches the top the Paramedics are on standby

The Teen is okay he doesn’t even cry

They do a quick check and then send him on his way

The Condom Man has arrived and he is here to stay

Nobody knows who the Condom Man really is

Nobody knows his name

He is the modern day Clark Kent

Nobody knows where he came from

Nobody knows where he has been

He isn’t Batman

So he doesn’t live in a Cave

He isn’t Superman

So he isn’t afraid of Kryptonite

He is the Condom Man

Ready to fight the fight anytime day or night

He lives beneath the Socks in the Bedroom Dresser

drawer

Sometimes when he is used he is thrown all messed up

to the bedroom floor

But there will always be a Condom Man

They come in a pack of Ten

Regular large or ribbed the Condom Man comes in all sizes

And the Condom Man is reliable so there will be no nasty surprises

The Condom Man has got you covered in more ways then you know

He is looking out for you wherever you may go

The Condom Man is your number one protection plan

He is your own personal Superhero

So now your worries are now down to zero

The Condom Man is there for you when you go to bed

So give him a go and cover your little Head