Monthly Archives: January 2016

Karen and Sharon (Siamese Twins)

31 Sunday Jan 2016

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Karen and Sharon McRubble

Were Born on the same day

But they don’t make a very good double

While Karen was quiet and slept through the night.

Sharon hardly slept at all

She can be a whole lot of trouble.

 

Karen and Sharon are Conjoined Siamese Twins.

And they are also identical.

While Karen knows that a quitter never wins.

Sharon will pull on Her Sisters Hair.

And call it accidental.

 

Karen and Sharon share all Body parts.

Except for a Head.

They both have one of those.

While Karen would think happy thoughts.

Sharon would just sit around picking Her Nose.

 

Going to School for the first time.

They caught a big Yellow Bus.

While Karen would sit there enjoying the view.

Sharon would scream and make a fuss.

 

Having a Siamese Twin can be fun at times.

It can also be a big pain in the Arse.

Karen and Sharon are like Lemons and Limes.

You know similar but not quite.

Their Teacher is in for a surprise when She starts

the first Class.

 

From the first Day Karen was a good Student.

She never had anything bad to say.

She was a very fast learner.

A Little Miss Prudent.

She paid close attention to the Teacher.

And Her thoughts never did stray.

 

Sharon on the other Hand

Couldn’t care less about learning Maths English

and Spelling.

She would just sit there day dreaming.

Completely ignoring the Other Students

She is a Loner there was no Gelling.

 

Karen liked the latest style of Dresses.

While Sharon preferred T Shirts Jeans and sensible

Shoes.

Karen wore Her Hair in long flowing Tresses.

While Sharon liked Military style Short back and Sides.

Which made living together hard.

Cause even though they had a separate Head.

They shared the same Body.

 

At Thirteen Puberty hit Sharon hard.

And even though they share a body

Karen hardly felt a thing.

While Sharon got bad Acne and a heavy Monthly flow.

Karen’s Period was mild.

And She had spot free Skin.

 

A couple of years later they both discovered Boys.

While Karen wanted to remain a Virgin until Her Wedding

Day.

Sharon wanted to discover Sex.

With all of the sensations and joys.

 

A couple of weeks later Sharon and a Boy met up in a

local Park.

Karen had no choice but to tag along for the ride.

She is thinking Jesus Sharon couldn’t you find a Room?’

Erin lost Her Virginity there in the dark.

Karen tried not to feel a thing.

She just wanted somewhere to hide.

 

Then it was Karens turn to go on a Date.

She sits waiting in a Café.

Her Beau is two hours late.

Sharon is in Her Ear wanting to go Home.

Karen loves Sharon.

But sometimes She is very hard to take.

But She doesn’t say anything in reply.

The waiting and the Coffee has left a very bitter taste.

 

But then out of the blue.

In walks a harried looking Fellow.

Not bad looking with short Brown Hair.

But His Teeth are crooked and a nasty shade of Yellow.

He doesn’t know where to look.

His Eyes are going everywhere.

 

But for Karen it is Love at first sight.

The Violins are playing.

The Angels are singing.

And the Café is bathed in a soft light.

Then Her Dates Mobile Phone is ringing.

 

Seems there is an Emergency.

And He has to go.

He tells Karen that his pet Duck has just died.

Karen tried to hold Her Head up high.

But still She cried.

 

It isn’t easy having Two Heads

But only one Body.

Two personalities stuck in the same Shell

Most of the time it is alright.

But it can also be a living Hell.

 

Over the next few Years Karen and Sharon just keep

each other company.

Even though they have a happy life.

They still want someone to Love.

And to be a Mother and a Wife.

 

They are at Home watching some TV

When an advertisement comes on .

It is about a Dating site.

They both listen to the slogan.

You don’t have to stay single Get out and mingle’.

 

So they turn on their Laptop and go to the site.

And they type out an ad.

‘Lonely Twenty something Siamese Twins’

‘Looking for friendship and maybe more’

 

Then they sit back and wait for the replies.

And they wait and wait.

Good job they aren’t holding their breaths

They both want to find Love before it is too late

Cause everyday they are one day closer to their Deaths

 

The waiting is frustrating

Surely there are a lot of eligble Bachelors out there’

Maybe they should post a Photo of themselves Butt Naked?

Or just in their Underwear.

But then again some things should remain sacred.

 

Then there is a Message  in their Inbox.

‘Male Siamese Twins looking for fun and adventure’

‘Reply with a Photo and your Hobbies and Interests’

‘And by the way can your Photo be Nude?’

Karen and Sharon have a Chuckle to themselves

‘Jesus how rude’

 

So they send off a Photo of themselves in their Birthday

Suits

Plus for a little bit of fun

They also wear Knee High Leather Boots

Who said that Siamese Twins cant be risqué and have a laugh

Plus the Boots were a bargain $80 on Ebay.

 

Both pair of Twins decide to meet in a Public place.

So they go to the Beach and have a Picnic.

Karen and Sharon cant keep the smiles from their Faces

Then the introductions are made.

Karen meet Eric Sharon meet Nick.

 

And for the next Six Months the Two Couples are insepartable

They go to the Movies Shopping and hanging out at Home.

They are like Four little Puppies playing with a Bone.

 

After dating for about a Year.

Eric and Nick both pop the question.

And of course Karen and Sharon both said YES.

They are doing something they never thought they would.

 

They are both walking down the Aisle.

Wearing a White Wedding Dress.

Mia The Elephant ( Part Two )

29 Friday Jan 2016

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If you are one of my constant readers.

You will already have read Part One of this Story.

I know it was sad and a little bit gory.

But it only make believe.

It is only a Story

 

So anyway in Part One Mia’s Mother was killed by Poachers

in the depths of Africa.

But in the end Mia got Her revenge

Cause all of the Poachers were killed

And then the African Night became very still.

 

So to start off Part Two

Where Mia’s new living quarters has a Million Dollar view.

 

Mia finally awakens after a long trip from Africa.

Where She was hit by a drug filled Dart.

And She went into a deep slumber.

Now She has arrived on a distant Shore

To start a new life.

 

So when Mia finally opened Her Eyes.

The first thing She notices is a large Bridge shaped like

a Coat Hanger.

And a building made from huge Sails.

 

Then She see’s the huge Harbour full of shimmering Water.

Then She remembers that She is Mia Her Mothers only

Daughter.

Now She is living in the Land of the Southern Cross.

Will Mia become a victim/

Or will She show them who is Boss?

 

Then She hears a strange accent saying ‘Welcome to Taronga

Park Zoo’.

Mia is glad of the welcome.

But after all of the travelling.

All Mia really needs is a pee and a Poo.

 

But She feels right at Home in Her new enclosure.

It is bright and Sunny.

With a Northern exposure.

The Weather is the same as Her African Home.

And there aren’t any Lions and Hyenas in sight.

But Mia knows that She captive and not free to Roam.

But She feels safe.

She no longer has to fight the fight.

 

But She is wary when a Human enters Her enclosure.

To clean up Her mess and give Her a good hose down.

But She likes Her new surroundings

With a view of the Ocean.

She feels comfortable and serene.

And She sways with a gentle motion.

As the Human makes Her nice and clean.

 

Over the following Weeks and Months.

Mia settles in with a few of Her kind.

She is especially close to a Bull Elephant.

And they start to bind.

 

Life couldn’t get any better.

There are no Predators to eat Her alive.

 

And She has all of the Leaves and Fodder that

She can chew and swallow.

But all She can think about is Her favourite Elephant

named Clive.

She also enjoys Her Water Hole.

Where She can swim and wallow.

 

Mia and the Bull Elephant Clive are getting closer by

the day.

Mia has been a bit apprehensive.

But She finally lets Him have His way.

She is taken Elephant style in that enclosure with the

Ocean view.

Mia knows that She is no longer eating for Herself.

She is now eating for Two.

 

But there is one thing that Mia is worried about.

And that is all of the Humans on the other side of the

Fence.

Humans have a dangerous smell about them.

And when She gets another whiff.

She gets all worried and tense.

The smell gets inside Her Nostrils and clogs up

Her Trunk.

And then Mia gets down and slips into a nasty little funk.

 

And when Mia gets depressed

She starts thinking about Home.

In Tanzania there were so many Trees you could take

your pick.

And She was free to roam.

She misses the taste of Her favourite Leaves.

And rubbing up against the Bark.

Now She is living behind a Fence.

In a far from Home Foreign Park.

 

Mia would do anything to walk once again in the African

Dirt.

The ache is so bad it hurts.

Then Mia remembers Her Mother when She was still alive

splashing in the Water.

Then She looks to the Sky and says, ;Mama can you hear Me?’

” It is Mia your only Daughter”

 

But of course there is no answer from above

But an African voice enters Mia’s big floppy Ears.

And that voice belongs to Benjamin Towers.

She hasn’t heard that voice for years.

Mia was sure that She killed Him in that revenge attack.

That Benjamin Arsehole must have immortal powers.

 

Mia is sure that on the Day that Her Mother died.

Towers was the one who fired the fatal shot.

When Her Mother died the whole Universe died.

And that is something that Mia hasn’t forgot.

 

She is sure that along with all of the other Poachers.

She trampled Towers beneath Her Feet.

But in the confusion He must of escaped the Bloodbath

and killing.

Mia could of sworn that He was turned into Mince Meat.

But he is still alive and kicking

And Mia will now even the score.

God willing.

 

Mia sneaks up behind Towers.

She has to be sure.

She listens intently while Towers is still talking.

She has to avenge all the Heartbreak and hurting.

And when Towers Friends walk away.

He is now a dead Man walking.

 

Towers has His back to Mia’s enclosure.

He is looking fit and healthy.

Now Mia might finally get closure.

Towers is oblivious as He gives Himself a Selfie.

 

But Towers want be healthy for much longer.

If Mia has Her way.

Towers will end up in a Morgue.

The Arsehole is about to pay.

Thank You Jesus Thank You Lord.

 

Mia reaches through the Fence.

And wraps Her Trunk around Towers Face.

And He starts to turn from Pink to Purple

and finally turns Black.

He is thrashing around kicking His Legs.

And then He goes slack.

 

The smell of Urine hits the Air.

And then Towers Bowels release.

It has all ended fair and square.

And Mia the Elephant has finally found peace.

 

Ten Months later Mia gives Birth to a Daughter

of Her own.

A Daughter Born in captivity.

A Daughter who will live out Her life in a Zoo.

A Daughter who should be wild and free.

 

Mia looks down at Her first Born and thinks

‘She looks a lot like Me’.

Mia The Elephant ( Part One )

26 Tuesday Jan 2016

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Thirty years ago a Baby Elephant was Born in the Forest.

In the Country known as Tanzania.

She has a tiny little Trunk.

And She is a bit wobbly on Her Feet.

And Her Mother has named Her  Mia.

 

The first few years of Mia’s life is trouble and hassle free.

Her Mother gave Her lots of Love and affection

And She also had the other Elephants in the Herd for company

and protection.

 

Mia is now Five years old.

And She has grown solid and large

While Her Mother is kind and gentle and is as big as a Barge.

Mia and Her Mother are very close.

They do everything together.

But Mia’s Mother is starting to show Her age.

Her Tusks are now a dark shade of Yellow.

And Her Skin is like well worn Leather.

 

Mia’s Mother has warned Her about the danger of Predators

and Poachers.

So Mia’s senses are always on the alert.

The last thing She wants is for Her Mother to be hurt.

 

Even though all of the Elephants are always on the lookout

for danger.

Mia has also noticed that sometimes they enjoy the protection

of the Game Park Rangers.

 

But the Rangers cant be everywhere.

So the Elephants are on the alert for every sound and smell.

But Mia’s life is about to go from everyday living

Into something a lot like Hell.

 

A group of Poachers has been following the Herd for about Three

Hours.

They are led by a local Mongrel by the name of Benjamin Tower’s.

They are armed with Einfield Rifles and razor sharp Machetes.

Soon the Elephants Blood will rain down like a shit load of Confetti.

 

Mia is enjoying a meal of Her favourite Leaves.

When Her Mother lets loose a frightened trumpet sound.

Then a Rifle shot rings out.

And Mia’s Mother collapses to the ground.

 

Mia is hiding behind some Savannah Bushes.

When She see’s a group of Humans approach.

They go straight to Her Mother

And they start to hack and poach.

They cut up Her Body for the Meat

And take the Tusk’s for the Ivory and for Money.

 

Mia can only hide and watch.

As She cries a lonely Tear.

 

As they go about their business.

The Poachers are laughing and talking.

Bragging about their skills with a Rifle and their skill at

Animal stalking.

 

Mia is silently listening to every word that the Poachers say.

And every word is stored deep inside Her Brain.

Though Mia can hardly think through Her sorrow and pain.

She will remember the sound of the Poachers voices to Her

Dying day.

But before that She will make them pay.

 

Everybody knows that Elephants never forget.

They remember everything good and bad.

And right now Mia is feeling mighty mad.

For Mia revenge will be sweet.

For when She is finished,

The Poachers will be nothing but lumps of Meat.

 

As She watches the Poachers depart.

Mia almost stumbles with a heavy Heart.

Then She wanders over to Her Mother.

To the scene of the slaughter.

She is Mia the only Daughter.

 

With one last look at Her Mother laying there in a heap.

Mia cries a mournful sound.

So full of Love and hate,so deep.

Then She joins up with the others in the Herd.

Her Head is full of revenge and pain.

And as the Herd wanders off.

It coincides with the start of the seasonal Rain’s.

 

A few years have passed and Mia is feeling happy and content.

Although the pain of the past has left a hollow dent.

Then the other Elephants prick their Ears up.

They have heard a sound.

And it is like the years have been rewound.

 

The Humans aren’t as silent as they thought.

They believed that they were silently creeping.

But red handed they have been caught.

The Elephants could hear them coming from a Mile away.

And now Mia will have Her say.

 

Benjamin Tower’s and the other Bandits.

Are surrounded by the Herd of Elephants.

The Poachers cant comprehend it.

They don’t understand at all.

And one by one they begin to fall.

 

In their panic the Poachers have dropped all of their Weapons.

And their deaths only take a matter of seconds.

Some are gored by the Tusks.

But most are trampled underfoot.

They are stamped until they become a part of the dirt.

Even though Mia has got Her revenge.

A part of Her still hurts.

 

For a few weeks Mia and the other Herd members.

Go from the water holes to the feeding grounds.

They no longer jump at the slightest sound.

But they that there will be more Poachers.

As long as Elephants have Tusks.

People will always crave the Ivory.

But they still have to be wary.

Cause Lions and Hyenas still rule the night.

But this Herd of Elephants has fought a good fight.

 

Mia is now feeling at peace with the world.

She no longer feels frightened by the sounds of the Night.

 

But then out of nowhere.

A Drug filled Dart penetrates the Flesh of Her Butt.

She tries to resist.

But then Her Eyes solely drift shut.

 

Keep an Eye out for the next instalment.

Coming to a Cinema near you. LOL.

But seriously Folks.

It will be titled.

Mia the Elephant ( Part Two ).

‘Life In A Zoo’.

Lost In Paradise

23 Saturday Jan 2016

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Ellie Hartland has it all.

A career that is the envy of Her peers

A Bank Balance in the Eight figure range

And Ellie has Millions of Fans all over the World

But She has no Friends.

 

Ellie is living the American Dream

She is an Actress in the Movies

She is the hottest item in Hollywood

She lives in a huge House in Beverly Hills

And She shops on Rodeo Drive

But She is unhappy

 

Ellie hangs out with all of the In People

She graces the cover of the popular Magazines

She is a regular on the Ellen Show

And is known to visit the White House

But She is losing it.

 

When She is at Home She finds comfort in Her

favourite brand of booze.

She sits in Her walk in Robe admiring Her collection

of Shoes and Clothes.

Being an Actress might bring you Money and Fame

But that doesn’t mean that every day will be Sunny

She is starting to crack

 

After about a dozen shots of Jack Daniels

Ellie still finds it hard to relax

She feels like she living in a Pressure Cooker

Will the steam ease off gently?

Or will it go off with a blast?

Will Ellie Hartland get Her shit together?

The cracks are widening

 

The next Morning Ellie decides that She needs some Sun

Just go out and have fun and relax

So She needs a shopping fix

She parks Her Mercedes Benz on Rodeo Drive

And She shops until She is ready to collapse

God sometimes it is good to be alive.

She is feeling better.

 

After a few hours of shopping

Ellie takes a drive to the Beach

She is feeling the better then She has in Months

But then She is confronted by about Twenty Fans

who all want a Selfie.

And all of the commotion has caught the attention of

the dreaded Paparazzi

Jesus cant they just leave me alone?

She gives Her Fans all the Selfies they want

The cracks are reappearing

 

Ellie is distressed and feeling overwhelmed

that She doesn’t make it to the Beach

She just drives on Home

She rushes inside and locks all the Doors

And She goes straight to the Liquor Cabinet

She is about to start one hell of a bender

She has fallen in

 

For two Weeks all Ellie does is drink Shot after Shot

She has also discovered a new escape route

In the shape of a jagged little Pill

Ellie is running from something

But She has forgotten what

Will Her Fans forget Her if She Dies?

She thinks that they probably will

But Ellie couldn’t really care less

She has had enough of wealth and fame

She is tumbling over and over

 

Ellie is laying on Her Bathroom floor

She has one mother of a Hangover

Then She remembers that She has to attend her

latest Movies premiere

She races to the Bathroom Mirror

Does my Hair look alright?

Is my Mascara running?

The question needs to be asked

Will Ellie just give up?

Or will She stand and fight?

She is still falling

 

Will Ellie build up the nerve to walk the Red Carpet

Does She believe in this Fairy Tale?

Or will She just cash in Her Chips?

Suicide

The final ride

You swim in

But you don’t come back with the Tide

 

But Ellie Hartland goes to the Premiere

With a fake smile on Her Face

And She walks the walk and talks the talk

But She feels lost and out of Her depth

Will She spiral out of control?

Or will She hold it all together?

She has  few quiets Drinks before She mingles with

the Public

Will anyone notice that She is not really there?

But then again does anyone really care?

 

Ellie Hartland arrives Home in a very distressed

state

And She runs Herself a Bath

Then She swallows a handful of Pills and washes them

down with Bourbon straight from the Bottle

Ellie Hartland has walked Her last Red Carpet

She has walked Her final path

She climbs into Her Bath

And a huge smile lights up Her Face

She didn’t like where She has been

But She sure as Fuck knows where She is going

 

So just be careful what you wish for

Because all of your wishes might be realised

But is it really worth it?

Because Ellie Hartland just died.

 

 

Drop Bears

17 Sunday Jan 2016

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This Story is dedicated to my Overseas Readers.

If you ever get the chance to visit Australia

Just be careful out there

Just take care BEWARE.

 

A group of Japanese Tourists are visiting Katoomba.

They are touring the Blue Mountains,taking in the Three

Sisters,Jenolan Caves and all of the other sites

I just hope that they know that most of the Australian

Native Animals bite.

Sharks,Snakes,Crocodiles,Spiders,Wasps,Blue Ring Octopus

and Dingoes.

They will all bite you if they could.

Maybe the Tourists should go home now.

No really maybe they should.

 

Even the so called cuddly Animals like the koala Kangaroo

Wombats and the Blue Tongue Lizard.

They can all scratch and give a nasty bite.

While our coat of Arms.

The Kangaroo and the Emu.

Can open you up from Throat to Gizzard.

 

Five of the Japanese Tourists decide to go for a Midnight

stroll.

They are happy laughing and joking.

Just enjoying the scenery.

But not once do they look up to see what is lurking in the

Greenery.

 

Then they make a Fatal mistake when they wander off the Track.

For those Five Tourists there is now no coming back

 

They have been distracted by the smell of the Wildflowers

And the sounds of the Bower Birds

As they build their colourful Bowers.

 

They haven’t a care in the World

As they crouch down to smell the scent

And I am sorry to say they their good luck has got up and went

Cause up in the Trees above them is a small group of Drop Bears

 

The Bears drop down onto the Tourists below

And with one bite to the top of the Spine

They are dispatched.

But they aren’t Dead

They are conscious but cant move or make a sound.

And Drop Bears are the meanest Animal out there

Pound for pound.

 

Drop Bears are like a cross between a Koala and a Tasmanian

Devil

But on a completely different level.

The Japanese tourists are all ripped apart and then eaten alive

 

 

After the Drop Bears have eaten their fill.

They drag the Carrion back to their Den.

The Meat will keep them alive for a Month or more.

Five Japanese Tourists just disappeared on that Forest floor.

 

A Rain shower the next day washes away the Blood and

the remnants from the attack.

But the Drop Bears have only started.

Those five Tourists were only a snack.

 

They use their Den for shelter and warmth

But Drop Bears like to hang out up in the Branches.

They just hang around waiting for a Tourist to take

some unnecessary chances.

 

And those unnecessary chance takers are two young Americans.

They were sitting in a café having Coffee and Chocolate truffle

Cake.

Then they decided to go for a swim in the Lake.

 

They go back to their Room and change into their swimming trunks

And grab a Towel

If they had been listening

They would of heard a skin crawling sound.

 

Will their skin did crawl

But they thought it was from the cold

These two Americans have about Two hours to live.

They will never grow old.

 

Arriving at the Lake.

Well maybe you could call it a Billabong.

The Two Americans are entranced by a Kookaburras song

And they have eaten too much Choc Truffle Cake.

 

The Two Americans go to the edge of the Billabong

They are feeling full and very bloated

And I am sorry to say their hope never floated

 

At the edge there are a few over hanging Branches

From the Coolabar Tree.

All is serene as far as the Eye can see.

But once again a tourist has failed to look up

And they were taken by surprise

And no one was around to hear their cries.

 

The Drop Bears reached down and pulled the Two Americans

up by their Hair.

And their Throats were exposed.

Their Adams Apples were bobbing up and down

And they both died with a rip tearing sound.

 

And once again their Bodies were taken back to the Den.

And their Bones were picked clean.

Human Meat is just like Pork.

Nice and lean.

 

Drop Bears don’t worry about high Blood pressure or Cholesterol

And then they stacked up the Bones as best as they could

Just like a stack of Blood soaked Firewood.

 

These killings took place over two years ago

And they are still going on today

The Authorities are baffled

Tourists are just disappearing into thin air.

Have they been killed with kindness by a Care Bear?

No they have been ripped to shreds by a Drop Bear.

 

The Blue Mountains are no longer Blue

They no longer have a glorious view

The slopes are running Red with the Blood of the Tourists

The Blood runs thick then soaks into the ground

For some reason their aren’t any tourists around

 

This is just a Story.

Do Drop Bears really exist?

I cant say one way or another.

But I know that when I go Bushwalking

I always look up.

Sure you might get a Face full of Bird Crap.

But there is an even worse rap.

 

You could be the next victim of a Drop Bear.

So take care out there.

The Brother Of El Nino

15 Friday Jan 2016

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There is a new Weather system forming just

off the Coast.

But it is not El Nino coming back to boast.

It is El Meano

El Ninos uglier  meaner big Brother.

And just as his name suggests

He is one mean twisted Mother.

 

In a sleepy little Coastal Town

In the Northern part of Paraguay

All is well

There isn’t a Cloud in the Sky

 

But as the People sleep in their Beds

El Meano  is about to mess with their Heads

He starts off as a regular Breeze

About as dangerous as a Kitty Cat.

But the Kitty is starting to growl

And the Wind is starting to howl.

Then El Meano unleashes the full extent of his fury

And this sleepy little Town is condemned to Death.

By El Meano Judge and Jury.

 

I guess El Meano was mighty pissed off

Because this sleepy little Town no longer exists

No one really knows how many People died last night.

The Sleepy little Town died without a fight.

 

As He travels South El Meano is getting even stronger

Which is bad news for the People of Tonga.

 

 

In all of the Islands in the South Pacific

The People are listening to their TVs and Radios

This new weather system is very bad

It will fulfil all of your worries and woes

The Weather Forecaster is calling it El Nino

But it is really El Meano in disguise

To pray to God

And have a spare pair of underpants

Would be very freaking wise.

 

El Nino is tired of his Big Brother stealing all of

His Headlines and attention.

With Cyclonic Winds Torrential Rains and then Heatwave

conditions

That is a very fierce collection.

 

El Nino thought that he was the meanest Wether System in the

Southern Hemisphere.

But El Meano is twice as mean and twice as tough

Nothing else comes near.

 

So then El Nino thinks that if you cant beat them join them.

So with a nod of agreement and a shake of their fists El Nino

and El Meano join forces.

 

Will the Islands in the South Pacific survive the Haelstrom

from Hell.

I guess only time will tell.

 

But then they got a reprieve.

Because El Nino and El Meano  have a change of plans.

They hit the edge of the Islands.

And head towards the Great Southern Land.

 

Australia has seen El Nino before.

But it hasn’t heard about El Meano

El Meano is loud and thunderous.

Not meek and mild like Mr Beano.

 

The Aussies don’t know what has hit them.

s they go through Drought and then the Rivers

Flooding.

El Nino and El Meano just laugh.

This is just the first blooding.

 

One day it is 45 degrees

The next it is down to 20 degrees

The Weather is going crazy

Down in this land of plenty.

 

Dust Storms converge on New South Wales

There is Orange dust everywhere.

It goes down your Throat

And up your Nose.

When will it end?

Nobody knows.

 

El Nino and El Meano are a partnership from the

Devils Playground.

As a tag team menace that knows no bounds.

From the Outback to the Major Cities.

They unleash their full force

El Nino and El Meano don’t know the meaning of the

word pity.

Their destructive powers just stay on course.

 

The Sydney Opera House is blown to Smithereens

The Harbour Bridge goes down.

High rise buildings collapse one after the other.

Like a giant set of Dominoes.

It seems that with El Nino and El Meano anything goes.

 

There is Snow at Alice Springs.

Cyclones in Tasmania.

There is frost in the Kimberlys

When it should be hot it is cold.

The Four Seasons are a jumbled mess.

You can get the four of them in just one day.

El Nino and El Meano have arrived and they are here

to stay.

And they will never ever go away.

The Walking Head

10 Sunday Jan 2016

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I lay in my Hospital Bed

I am still breathing

I have no Body

You see I am nothing but a Head

 

The Doctors have told me that I will

walk again

But I think they are being optimistic

I have no Body

Therefore I have no Legs

 

As I lay in my Hospital Bed

I like a Bowling Ball with Hair

I no longer have any need for Clothes

And I have no need for Socks or Underwear

 

But the Doctors keep telling me

That my future looks bright

Even though I am a Head without a Body

I should still be alright

 

As I lay in my Hospital Bed

I look down at the Floor

It is a drop of three foot or more

I have another look and wonder if

I roll out of Bed

Would I bounce?

Or burst open like a Watermelon?

I guess there aint no telling

 

Nurse comes to my Bedside to give me

a Sponge Bath

I am not a Man

I am not by half

So it doesn’t take long to give my Head

a Wash

But as the Nurse starts to dry me off

I end up on the Floor gosh

 

Well I start to roll like a drugged up Medicine

Ball

I roll out of my room and get halfway down the

hall

Then I am scooped up and passed back to the

Nurse

She gives me a look all sullen and terse

 

Like it is my fault

That I am just a Head

You know I had a little accident

MY Head got caught in an Elevator Door

My Body went to the next Floor

But my Head didn’t quite make it

As my Head hit the Floor

I screamed ‘I don’t like this bit’

‘I don’t like it at all’

 

Well my Doctor came around again

And he that with a few Skin grafts

I should be on the mend

I think my Doctor has gone round the bend

You see I have no Skin to graft

I t all ended up at the bottom of that Elevator

Shaft

 

As I lay in my Hospital Bed

I feel the start of a panic attack

So I blink my Eyes and twitch my Nose

To make the Nurse come back

I have no Hands so I cant press the Emergency

Button

I am starting to think that I have been forgotten

 

But then the Nurse comes rushing back into

my Room

One of the other Patients has passed away

I close my Eyes with Sorrow

I cant think of anything to say

She reassures me that everything is alright

And She pats me on the Head

And She wishes me a goodnight

 

In the morning I wake up with a pounding

in my Chest

But it cant be anything

Because I am nothing but a Head

Just a Head none of the rest

I think I am feeling Phantom pain

Will I ever feel my own Body again?

 

I see the Doctor approaching my Bed

What will he tell me this time?

Maybe he will tell me that my Head has been

hired out as one of those open mouthed Clowns

in sideshow alley

Or maybe they will give me a Wig apply some

makeup and call me Sally>

 

But none of the above apply

And I will tell you why

My Doctor tells me that a Skeleton has been located

And that it will be attached to my Brain Stem

So I will no longer be just me

Some of me will be them

 

So the Skeleton is attached in a nine hour Operation

And hopefully there will be Bone fusion

And my Nerves want short circuit and blow a fuse

I just hope that when I wake

The Doctor will give me some good news

 

And for once the news is good

Everything is going well so far

The Skeleton attachment was a complete success

I now have a Body of sorts I guess

 

So now I am a Head

With a collection of a strangers Bones

Now all I did is some internal Organs

And a covering of Skin

 

My Doctor tells me that strands of my DNA

are attaching themselves to the Bones

So all of my internal Organs should start to grow

Maybe I will be tall and handsome

You never know!

Three Months later

And the Transformation is almost complete

I feel a lot like Frankensteins Monster

Except there aren’t any Bolts in my Neck

I also feel like  Violinist playing on the Titanics

Deck

Will I swim or will I sink?

I am feeling OK

I am in the pink I think

 

Six weeks later

And I walk out of that Hospital a new Man

I say goodbye to the doctor and Nurse

And I thank them for all their help and attention

And I walk out of that Hospital with a smile on

my Face

I am going home to Tarana Place

 

I am now a Walking Head

Attached to a brand new Body

Everything is working properly

I feel like a brand new me

Or should I say a brand new you.

A Heartbreak Song

08 Friday Jan 2016

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Coffee and Vanilla

Ebony and Ivory

Black and White

Call it whatever you like

But People are being discriminated against

and put down

All because of the Colour of their Skin

Don’t just look at the Colour of the Skin

Get to know the Person within

 

White Black Brown or Olive

We are all human

We are all the same

Don’t just look at the colour of the Skin

Ask them their name

 

There is good and bad in all of the Races

Smiles and frowns on all of the Faces

We all live on the same Planet

So we all should try harder to get along

When I see someone being put down

I deep inside my Soul

And sing a Heartbreak Song

 

There is still trouble and fighting in the Middle East

For over Sixty Years there has been War after War

And very little Peace

Palestinians and Israelies fighting over the same piece

of land

A divided piece of land surrounded by Sand

One side wants what the other side wants

 

And neither side will budge an Inch

Would why accept Peace at a pinch?

I think that the hatred that they for each other

is so ingrained into their Brains

They have become blase’ to all the sorrow and pain

 

They just go about their business surrounded by Barbed

Wire and Barricades

And they don’t feel the Fire from Hades

 

But I hope that isn’t true

Surely both sides have Emotions and Feelings

Surely they want a resolution

A final answer a solution

 

I have no answers

I am just writing this Story

I am just a simple Person

I am not after Fame and Glory

Like everybody else I just want World Peace

So why don’t we end the violence in the Middle East

 

Once again People why cant we just get along?

I reach deep into my being

And sing another Heartbreak Song

 

But you don’t have to go to the other side of the World

to find trouble and tension

It is right there in your own Neighbourhood

People are always looking for trouble

They hardly ever seek out the good

Domestic violence Bullying in the Workplace and Schools

All of these People are a Link

In the Chain of Fools

 

Just give me some Boltcutters

And I will cut through the Links

And sever the Stupidity

And get People to THINK

 

THINK before you act

THINK before you do

Because before you know it

The Foot will be in the other Shoe

And it will start to kick back

Bruisers are caused by losers

Tears are caused by fears

 

The Aborigines The Eskimos and The Native Americans

The original and Spiritual owners of their lands

Have all been pushed aside and rejected

While the White People took over

And not a hint of regret is detected

 

The White People seemed to think that they had

the right to take over

They spread their Diseases and their meddling ways

And they didn’t even think twice

And the Original Owners were the ones to pay the price

 

 

I am still singing in a very loud voice no one is listening

The disadvantaged People struggle through their Tear Drops

glistening

I am going to lose my voice before very long

I look to the Heavens and sing yet another Heartbreak Song

 

Alcohol abuse was a symptom of the White Mans invasion

For the Original Owners their isn’t any reason for a celebration

Their way of Life has been forever eroded

Their very fabric of life forever corroded

 

Now there is trouble in Syria

The Syrian People are fleeing their own Country

And flooding their Neighbours borders with their needs

Their Eyes are lost and lonely

While their empty Faces plead

Isis is spreading like a Locust Plague

They seem to think that they are the Face of a Religion

They Behead innocent People of different Religious

Persuasions

All this fighting over who has the biggest Imaginary Friend

All of the needless violence against the innocent has to end

 

But people of all Religions in all of the Countries in the World

Just remember one thing

There is no shame

We are all the same

 

I have lost my voice from all of the singing

So all of you out there open your Mouths

And as loud as you can

Sing a slow mournful Heartbreak  song.

The Library Police

03 Sunday Jan 2016

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This Story is dedicated to my favourite Author

Stephen King.

 

I am a wanted Man

I have been on the run for years

I am on the F.B.I s Ten Most Wanted list

All because I didn’t return a Library Book

I didn’t realise that not returning a Book would be such

a Crime.

The Library Police have been after me for a very long time

 

It all started about Twenty years ago

I went to my local Library

To borrow a Stephen King Book

‘IT’ was the title

The Book was a dog eared Paperback

That had a bent spine

But I know only one thing

That Book was mine

 

I arrived Home

I sat in my favourite Chair near the front window

And I started to read.

From page one that Book gripped me tighter then

a Vice.

I couldn’t put it down

I read on the Toilet

I read on at the Dinner Table

I read on the Bus on the way to work.

If only that Book could talk

 

But it did speak to me in a way

I read every single word

I felt that Book was written just for me

I just couldn’t put that Book down

I read all about Pennywise the Clown

 

That Book consumed me 24 hours a Day

I believe in every Word that Mr King had to say

Word by Word Paragraph to Paragraph Chapter

to Chapter.

That Book completely took over my life

Who has time for Children?

Who has time for a Wife?

 

As the Weeks slipped by

I knew that the Book was probably overdue

But I just lost the track of time

I will probably have to pay a fine

Pay a fine!

For a Book that is mine.

 

And sure enough about a Week later

I got a Letter in the Mail

I have to pay Twenty Dollars without fail

If I haven’t paid the Fine within Seven Days

The Library Police will pay me a visit

And they will reclaim the Book by force

Will I pay the Fine? Of course

 

NOT  I will not give them the satisfaction or the

pleasure.

It is none of their what I do at my leisure.

 

You might say ‘Why don’t you just return the Book

and pay the Fine?’

But why should I pay a Fine?

For a Book that is mine?

Every word in that Book is imprinted deep inside my Brain

It is carved with the Devils mark of Cain

 

Then I decide that my Employment is taking up to much of my

time.How can I read when I am at work for Nine Hours?

It takes me away from my Book reading powers.

Now I have 24/7 to read the Book

Who has time to Sleep?

Who has the time to Cook?

 

I hear a knocking at my front Door

I look out of the window and I see two Guys in Uniform

The Library Police.

I don’t answer the Door

So they press the Door Chime

Who would have thought that not returning a Book was such

a crime.

 

I get a $20 note from my Wallet and slip it under the Door

I tell the Library Police ‘Here is the Money to pay the fine

Don’t come around here no more’

 

I peek through the Blinds and watch them take the Money and go

But I know that they will be back

After all I still have the Book

Just to make sure they have gone

I sneak another look.

 

I can relax for awhile

Cause I know they come back again tonight

But the Library Police want give up without a fight

Maybe I should booby trap my House

Maybe Electrify the front door and chime?

But deep down I know that I am running out of time

 

When I walk around the Streets

I know that I have a Shadow

Why they just don’t arrest me ?

I do not know

The Library Police follow me everywhere

But when I look over my  Shoulder they are gone

Maybe they weren’t there all along?

 

For the next Six Months I barely leave the House

Except to go to the Letter Box

Letter after Letter arrive from the Library Police

The Fine is increasing

While my patience is slowly decreasing

 

The Fine is now $1210 and counting

My Paranoia is growing

The tension is mounting

All of this simply because I didn’t return a Library Book

Now I am Public Enemy Number One

The number one Crook

 

Did I commit a Murder?

Am I a Child Molester/

Did I go and steal a Car?

I think that the Library Police are taking things a little

too far.

I need to get out

I am hungry I need food

I just hope that the Library Police are in a better mood

As I get close to the Supermarket

I hear someone calling my Name

I spin around

And a piece of Paper is shoved into my Hand

I feels like I have slipped into the deadly grip of quick Sand

It seems that I have been served a Subpoena

All of this  because of one little Misdemeanor

 

I have to appear  at Court on the Day

Or a Warrant will be issued for my arrest

The Library Police have gone from an annoyance

To my number one Pest.

 

I sit at Home in my favourite Chair

Reading my Favourite Book

For about the One Hundreth time

But my mind is drifting all I can think about is the

Library Police and my so called Crime

 

Well I am up to Chapter Eleven

When I hear a knocking

And my whole House is rocking

I take a peek out of the Blinds

And I see S.W.A.T. and the F.B.I.

I wish I could slip through a hole in the Sky

But I cant

I have to stand and fight

And then I see a strange light

 

A Flash Bomb has landed on my living room floor

My Ears are ringing and my Eyes are sore

I cant believe this is happening

All because I didn’t return my favourite of reading material

But then then things become even more surreal

As the S.W.A.T. team storm my place

A look of bewilderment is on my Face

All I wanted to do was read

Now I think I am about to Bleed

 

A shot rings out

And I feel the punch of a Death hit

I have gone from being a Bookworm

Now I am deep in the Shit

 

Please tell me that this isn’t happening

Am I having a Dream?

As my Eyes start to lose focus

I lift up the book to read my final words

But as I hold my favourite Book I see a Bullet hole

has pierced through it

But not all of the way through

The Bullet hasn’t hit anything vital or life ending

It seems that all of my wounds are mending

 

Now when I go to the Library

I return my Books on time

Because we all know that not returning your Books

IS THE NUMBER ONE CRIME!!!!

Genie In A Lamp

01 Friday Jan 2016

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On Saturday mornings before I do my shopping

And run some errands

I like to go to the garage sales in my neighbourhood

I usually look for CDs Books and Plants

But sometimes I spend more Money then I should

 

On this particular Saturday morning

I slept in and was I was running a bit late

If you don’t get there early

The good stuff will already have been sold

But a bargain can still be had

You just have to sort through the good from the bad

 

I was looking at the selection on the Two Dollar Table

When out of the corner of my Eye

I spotted this Bottle shaped Lamp

Well I caught my breath and my Hands got all sweaty

Surely it couldn’t be?

This was exactly the same as the Lamp on that old TV show

‘I Dream Of Jeannie’

It was about 16 inches tall with a Glass Stopper

A Bargain for any savvy shopper

 

I couldn’t believe my Eyes

But I tried to stay calm

I grabbed that Lamp paid my Two Dollars

And I got out of there as fast as I could

Just like any bargain hunter would

 

Well I did my shopping and my errands

And then I drove home on Auto Pilot

My thoughts were consumed by that Lamp

My Hands were still shaking and damp

I could barely grip the Steering Wheel

Cause a Genie In A Lamp is a very big deal

 

God my Car is slower then a three legged Turtle

I only bought it cause I like the colour Purple

I am being overtaken by Pedestrians and a Guy

on a Bike

That Guy is a neighbour I think his name is Mike

 

Well I finally arrive home

I carry my shopping and that Lamp into my place

My Heart is beating double time

My breathing can barely keep pace

But first I unpack my shopping and change my Clothes

What is inside that Lamp?

Well nobody really knows

 

I cant take the tension anymore

So I go and lock all of the Doors

And then I pick up that Lamp

I grip it so tightly I get a freaking cramp

I take off the Stopper and peer into the opening

My nerves are shot

And my Eyes aren’t coping

It is dark inside like Aladdins Cave

But someone is down there giving me a little wave

 

So I put the Lamp on the Kitchen Table

And I start rubbing

And then the Room fills with Smoke

And out pops this weird little old Bloke

 

Where is Barbara Eden when you need her?

Instead I am stuck with this skinny old Cur

He looks a bit like Uriah Heep or maybe Ebenezer

Scrooge

Just my luck

Now I have got the Genie In A Lamp  blues

 

He is dressed like a cross between Marcel Marceu and a

Circus Acrobat

He sticks out his Hand

And tells me that his name is Blat

Well I guess beggars cant be choosers

Who cares if the Genie is young or old

I am just lucky he has arrived into my fold

The Elderly are always calmer and wiser

I just hope that my Genie isn’t a money miser

 

I tell Blat that I was expecting a Genie of the Female

persuasion

He said to ‘Just relax and enjoy the occasion’

 

Blat tells that he has been a Genie for one hundred

generations or more

But who is really keeping score

He thinks he was born in Romania Bulgaria or maybe

The Balkans

Jesus Blat sure does a lot of talking

I wish he would shut up and grant me my wishes

While he is talking I go and wash the dishes

 

When I return Blat is no longer around

Then from the Lamp I hear a little sound

I hold the Lamp up to my Ear

And then I look down the Neck

And can see Blat picking up some scatter Cushions

And maybe a Magic Wand?

I want my three wishes

But I don’t want to keep pushing

 

Blat arranges the Cushions

And he sits in a cross legged pose

I hope I come out of this smelling like a Rose?

But I have a feeling that Blat is stalling

I think that my wishes might be free falling

 

Blat looks me right in the Eye

And he says that he has a confession to make

He is a Charleton a complete fake

He is only filling in while his niece is on Holidays

The working conditions are bad

But it really pays

 

So there are no three wishes for me

No Millions of Dollars

No living forever

No endless supply of my favourite Beer

If Blat cant give me any Christmas cheer

He might as well get the fuck out of here

 

Blat is full of apologises that he cant grant me my wishes

But these things are sometimes hits or misses

He tells me to just leave the Lamp on the Table

And in the Morning He and the Lamp will be gone

 

Then he gives me a hug goodbye

And then He is gone in a puff of smoke

Even though he couldn’t grant me my wishes

Blat wasn’t such a bad Bloke

 

I pick up the Lamp and I have one last look inside

Blat is sitting there all sad and lonely

I nearly cried

It isn’t his fault that he was just Holiday relief

What goes around comes around

That is my belief

 

Blat was true to his word

Cause in the morning the Lamp had disappeared

And there was static in the air that felt kind of weird

I got Goosebumps my Skin started to tingle

Maybe next time I will meet Blats Niece

And hopefully She will be single

 

I still go to the garage sales every Saturday morning

In the hope of finding that Lamp again

I feel empty

Like I am in mourning

I will find that Goddamn Lamp again

Any which way I can.