Monthly Archives: February 2016

Suicide Letter

28 Sunday Feb 2016

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This is just a Story.

 

This is My Suicide Letter.

I have been dealt My final  Card.

They say Life wasn’t meant to be easy.

But why does it have to be so fucking hard?

 

I was Born in the Shit.

In My Teens I was still in the Shit.

My Twenties saw Me deep in the Shit.

My Thirties saw Me Swimming in a River of Shit.

In My Forties I stopped Swimming I just started to Float.

Now in My Fifties am I am being weighed down by a Shit

filled heavy Overcoat.

 

I am tired of feeling weighed down.

Getting sucked down into the Muck.

But at the same time I don’t give a damn.

I really couldn’t give a Fuck.

 

But I don’t want to go out that way.

I want to go on My terms.

Maybe I will fall into a Vat of hot Oil.

Or get Eaten Alive.

By Ten Thousand Blood sucking Worms.

 

When I think back to My Teenage Years.

Well I really try not to.

Cause bad Memories bring on the Tears.

I think about all of the Abuse that I went through.

Verbal Abuse Physical Abuse and Sexual Abuse.

 

The Verbal was being called a lot of nasty Names.

Pretty Boy Girly Boy and a lot of others that I wont mention.

Constantly being told that I was nothing but a piece of Shit.

But to My Tormentors it was just a Game.

They didn’t care how much the Name calling hurt.

But the Words went real deep.

That is when I first started to think about  going on a

permanent Sleep.

 

The Physical Abuse consisted of being pushed down a Dozen

Stairs A Toe Broken by a Mallet Spat on  Having My Hair pulled

Punched Poked and Prodded and Dead Legs

I was given so many Dead Legs that I virtually had a permanent

Limp.

I should of fought back but I am such a Fucking Wimp.

 

The Sexual Abuse was being tied to a Tree.

Having My Pants pulled down.

And then I was Urinated and Ejaculated upon.

Then I was forced to do some nasty Acts.

But I am telling You.

It was never Consesual

I was the innocent Victim

I committed no Crime.

 

So why am I hear writing this last Letter?

I didn’t do anything wrong.

But I carry around a lot of Mental Scars.

I try to forget the past but I cant

Why am I so weak?

Why cant I be strong?

 

My Pen is writing these Words.

Letter by letter they fill the Page.

But as the Words form a Sentence and then a Paragraph

I am filled with a silent Rage.

 

I should have said a gentle Rage.

Because I am Timid I wouldn’t hurt a Fly.

But when I think of all the Crap I went through.

I only have one question.

Why?

 

Why was I so mistreated?

Why was I treated like a Dog?

No.A Dog would of been treated better.

That is one of the reasons why I am writing this Letter.

 

People say that you shouldn’t live in the past.

But that is where your memories take you.

You don’t know the future.

So your Brain goes in a backwards direction.

And dredges up things that are best forgotten.

And I remember why My Life is so Fucking Rotten

 

But enough of the Bad thoughts.

Lets talk about Death.

I think about it all of the time.

Every Second that I am Alive.

I wish that I was Dead.

The dark thoughts have been with Me for Years.

And are constantly fed.

 

From an early age Alcohol was My only Friend.

I couldn’t understand was I wasn’t more popular.

It was like I had an ugly Birthmark all over My Face.

So I Drank and Drank to go to a happier place.

 

I tried to be friendly.

But I was always pushed aside like a piece of Garbage.

I tried to keep a Smile on My Face.

But it was only a thin Veneer.

That is when I started to think

Lets end it all right here.

 

But I was weak and Spineless

A piece of Shit would be tougher then Me.

I know that My Pretty Boy Face.

Didn’t do Me any favours.

I was always Bruised Bloodied and Sore.

So at Fourteen I started to think.

Why am I even Alive anymore?

 

Over the Years People have told Me to Fight back.

But you are who you are.

You cant suddenly be a different Person.

You know a Leopard cant change its Spots.

And I have been good at connecting the dots.

 

I have never been a good connector.

I always end up by Myself.

I am like an old can of Baked Beans.

Picked up then put back on the shelf.

 

But enough of all the talking.

It is now time for action.

So I go to the Kitchen and open the Cutlery Drawer.

And a Carving Knife holds a Fatal attraction.

But before I put the Knife through its paces.

I close My Eyes.

And I say goodbye to my Family and Friends

 

I shouldn’t say Friends

Because I haven’t really  got any.

They are all to busy living their Lives

With their Wives or Girlfriends.

They don’t need or want to hang with Me.

But I understand because I am bad company.

 

I look out of the Kitchen Window.

And the Rain is pouring down.

Black Clouds fill the Sky.

A Black Cloud has been with Me My whole Life.

And a Black Cloud will be with Me when I Die.

 

I grab hold of the Knife.

And I stand naked in front of the Mirror.

And I proceed to open up My face.

Right down to the Bone.

Good I hate My fucking Face.

It is good to see it gone.

 

I just stand there watching My Blood flow away.

And after about Five Minutes I start to wobble

and sway.

 

The last thing I remember

Is Myself laying on the Floor.

And thinking.

FUCK OFF PEOPLE GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY.

 

That’s it.

My Life is finally over.

I have nothing else to say.

 

 

The Vulture With Culture

26 Friday Feb 2016

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Deep in the Plains of the Serengeti.

High up in the Branches of a Deadwood Tree.

I s a huge nest made from Twigs Grass Mud and

other bits and pieces.

And in the middle of that Nest sits a huge Egg.

It is not an Egg of a Crow Eagle or a Crane.

It is the Egg of the Common Vulture.

 

As the Mother Vulture stands watch the Egg starts

to crack.

And an ugly little Head pops out.

Followed by an ugly little Body.

Then as its Eyes begin to focus

The Chick looks up at its Parents.

He gives a squawk ‘Jesus I hope I don’t look like these

two’

‘They look like freaking roadkill.’

 

Right away the Parents knew that this Chick was different

He is only a few weeks old and already He is cleaning the Nest.

Preening His Feathers looking all prim and proper.

His Parents think that maybe their Son is you know Homosexual.

 

The Chick looks up with exasperation ;God just because I like to be

neat and tidy doesn’t make Me Gay’

‘And by the way why haven’t I got a Name?’

‘W ell if you wont give Me a Name I will Name Myself’

 

The Vulture Chick thinks for a moment.

And then a Name forms in His Brain.

‘I Christen Myself Frederick the Vulture’

‘T he Vulture with Culture’

 

His Parents are besides Themselves.

Frederick is a very fussy eater.

He refuses to eat Intestines Offal Tendons or Gristle.

He will only eat the top cuts.

And not a trace of Fat is allowed.

All Frederick wants to know is ‘Where is My Napkin and

My Knife and Fork?’

 

After about Six Months Frederick is ready to leave the Nest.

And to take His Maiden Flight.

His Parents guide Him to the edge of the Nest.

Frederick flaps His Wings and He picks up an Air Current.

And then His Feet lose contact with the Nest.

 

Frederick is Flying.

And after a few practise Laps He follows His Parents.

In the never ending search for Food.

 

They just glide with the Currents smelling the Air.

The Three of them pick up a nasty whiff.

Their favourite Smell.

The Smell of Dead Meat.

 

When they hit the ground they see a bloated Hippo.

Being eaten by a Pride of Lions.

So they just sit back and wait their turn.

Frederick is nervous.

This is His first time on the ground.

His Adrenalin is pumping.

As He watches the Lions fight over the Meat.

 

After about an Hour the Lions wander off.

Then it is the Vultures turn.

And Fredericks Mother rushes right in.

And sticks Her Head right up the Hippos Arse.

And She pulls out a long coil of Guts and Shit.

 

Frederick sees His Mothers Head disappear up the Hippos

Bum Hole.

Right into where the Sun don’t shine.

‘Jesus Mother couldn’t you find another opening?’

‘A Mouth or a Nostril or something?’

Then Fredericks Nose goes into Overdrive.

 

The smell of the dead Hippo is irresistible

So He rushes forward and starts to rip and tear at the

Hippos Tongue.

Then He swallows with relish.

 

As the other Vultures stick their Heads into the Cavities and Holes

Frederick goes to the Creek and has a wash.

He makes sure that His Feathers are all Spick and Span.

But what He could really do with is a Brush and a Floss.

One could wonder whether Frederick is a Vulture.

Or a Neatness freak Dandy Bird.

 

All of the other young Vultures have noticed Fredericks

peculiar habits and ways.

So they start to Bully and tease Him.

But Frederick is having none of that.

And He pushes on past.

‘Out of my way if you please’

 

The other Vultures part ways.

And Frederick walks past with His Head held high.

And with one last look at His Distractors

He takes to the Sky.

 

Arriving back at the Nest

Frederick starts to do some Nest Cleaning

He clips His Toenails

And does some Feather Preening.

 

Fredericks Mother watches Her Son with a worried look.

As He goes about His Cleaning routine.

Next thing you know He will want to Cook.

She has never seen a Vulture so clean.

 

Frederick is aware of His Mothers glances.

But He just shrugs His Shoulders

‘S o what if I like to look My best?’

‘I am aware of  all of the Female Birds advances’

And I know that I am a bit different from the rest’

 

Over the next few Months Frederick has turned into one

fine looking Vulture.

So what if He likes the finer things in life?

After all He is a Vulture with Culture.

And even though His Mother might not think so.

Frederick would love to have a Wife.

 

He is still harassed daily by the others in the Flock

But He just ignores them as best He can.

They Fly all around Him as they mock and tease.

But to Frederick it is all Water off a Ducks Back.

 

One of the young Female Vultures has  been pursuing

Frederick for quite a while.

He is not like the others

Frederick has some style and class.

She will have to be quick

If She is to fight off all of the other young Mothers.

 

Frederick is flattered by all of the Girls attention

He has been sneaking some looks of His own.

But He has never done it before.

He still has some skills to hone.

 

But Frederick is worried about nothing

The young Female Vulture takes the lead and shows Him how

Frederick was more then willing

The Girl didn’t have to beg.

Frederick has reached the point of no return

And with a gasp and a shake of His Tail Feathers.

Frederick has Fertilised His first Egg.

 

A few Years later.

And Frederick and His Wife now have a Brood of Five.

They Fly around as a Family devouring rotting Dead Meat.

It feels good to be alive.

A happier Family of Vultures you will never meet.

 

Fredericks Mother is also more relaxed.

Her Son is finally playing for the right team.

And not for the other side.

She is glad that Frederick is living the Dream.

Having fun and enjoying the ride.

 

Frederick has noticed that one of His Sons is a lot like Him.

He likes to keep Himself looking His best.

He refuses to stick His Head in any Anal opening.

When that happens is that you get covered in Shit.

 

Fredericks Son is more dignified

He will only Eat the choice bits.

He loves to give His Feathers a good Preen.

There is nothing wrong with trying to look your best.

 

Frederick can see that the Apple hasn’t fallen far from the Tree.

My Son is just like Me.

A happy well put together Vulture.

He is a Vulture with Culture.

Manic Mechanic

21 Sunday Feb 2016

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Driving to Work Yesterday.

I was really looking forward to the Day ahead.

And the Drive was smooth and easy in My trusty

little Corolla.

It might be small and compact.

But I was feeling like a High Roller.

 

Just cruising along listening to My Music.

A rotation of Rock and Blues.

It was getting close to the top of the Hour.

And I wanted to catch the News.

And as I go to switch to Radio.

My Eyes drift to the Dashboard.

And I see that the Kilometre reading is 99,850.

 

My Heart starts racing and I get all tense.

I just tell Myself ‘Calm down Steven there is no

need to panic’

‘You just have to book in with a Mechanic’.

 

I wasn’t really happy with My last Service.

So I search the Internet for the best deal.

I know absolutely nothing about Cars

I just go by sense and feel.

But one of the searches catches My Eye.

‘Bills Mechanical Services all work guaranteed’

‘In Bill you can trust’

And in My Eyes reliability is a must

And trust is a must.

 

So I give them a call and tell them that I want

a service and nothing more.

And they reassure Me that the Customers needs always

comes first.

So I Book My Car in.

 

I am told that the Service cost will be $159 all inclusive.

I am happy with that.

So I give them the go ahead.

I just hope that Bill doesn’t let Me down.

Cause as we all know.

A trust worthy Mechanic can be mighty elusive.

 

So the next Morning I drop My Car off at Bills.

And I get a lift to work.

Then My Car is forgotten as I Clock In.

It is just business as usual.

I do My work as best as I can.

But all I can think about is the first break.

My Stomach is really grumbling.

Just hurry up for fuck sake.

 

I just sit down

When My Phone tells Me that I have One missed

Text Message.

It seems that Bill the Mechanic has found a problem

with My Brakes.

They need Bleeding and the Discs grinded down.

Is Bill being trustworthy?

Or is He giving Me the run around?

 

I reply that all I want is the Service and nothing more.

The Brakes can wait until next time.

Bill replies back ‘As well as the Brakes the Ball Joints

are worn.’

‘And while He is at He might as well replace the Rotor Cuffs’

Is Bill the hard of hearing Mechanic for real?

Or is it one big bluff?

 

I have to back to Work.

I haven’t got time for this Shit.

And for the next Two Hours all I can think about is My

Car in the Hands of that crazy Grease Monkey.

I think that Bill is One Spanner short of a full set.

A few slices short of a Loaf.

And I am sure that is a pretty safe bet.

 

At My next Break another text is waiting.

As well as the Brakes Ball Joints and Rotor Cuffs

My Tyres need rotating.

And My Clutch is kind of sloppy.

Which is really weird because My Car is an Automatic.

I think you looked inside Bills Head.

You would find a big empty space.

With lots of Static.

 

So I reply back that I will only pay for the Service’

And as all the other work was unauthorised

I wont pay one cent towards that cost.

And if You continue to do unnecessary work on My Car.

I will report You to The Mechanics Board Of Integrity’

 

I am pretty sure that that Board doesn’t exist.

But it sounds good.

So hopefully Bill will cease and desist.

Like any normal Mechanic would.

 

But I know it is all wistful thinking.

Because thirty seconds later another Text arrives.

Besides the Brakes Ball Joints Rotor Cuffs and the

rotation of My Tyres.

I apparently need a new Transmission.

An Engine Overhaul and oh yeah new Wiper Blades.

This Manic Mechanic.

Is straight from the Streets of Hades.

 

God this Mechanic is such a Dipstick.

I hope His Head gets caught in the Fan Belt.

Or get sucked up the Exhaust Pipe.

Or He will drown while changing the Motor Oil.

This Manic Mechanic really is a huge pain in the Arse.

Just like a nasty pus filled Boil.

 

Well as You can imagine.

I was feeling a bit apprehensive when I finish Work to

pick up My Car.

I am picturing Bill to look like a bit of a Bogan.

You know like He Married His Cousin.

Or maybe He will look like that Old Wrestler Hulk Hogan.

 

But He just like a regular Guy.

And as He approaches Me.

He wipes His Hands on an old Oily Rag.

But then I have a second look.

And I see His ‘I can kill you with one hand tied behind My

Back Eyes’

 

So I take a step back

Then hands Me the Bill.

Then I start to relax when I see the Service cost $159.

I was worrying about nothing.

But then I keep on reading.

And it is a long read.

When I finally get to the bottom of the Page and see the total.

I nearly jumped out of My Skin.

$3810 plus GST.

My Skin gets all wet and clammy.

As I stare at the outrageous fee.

 

Well I aint paying.

Do you know what I am saying.

I have to make a stand.

Yeah right I couldn’t fight My way out of a wet paper Bag.

My Knees start to shake and wobble.

I Shiver with what feels like a nasty case of Jet Lag.

 

So I stand up to reinforce My Statement

I aint paying

Didn’t you hear what I said?

I only booked in for a Service

Not the extra work carried out.

Then I look at this Manic Mechanic.

This Guy is as crazy as Bat Shit.

A compete Loony Tune.

Of that I have no doubt.

 

Well He looks at Me with a nasty grin ‘I f You don’t pay

I will take possession of Your Car’

‘Until You pay the arrears’

 

Well My Eyes were full of rage fuelled Tears.

And I was about to give Him a piece of My Mind.

But when I look up Bill is holding a Baseball Bat.

But I don’t care I have to stand up for Myself.

And that’s that.

 

Then Bill that Manic Mechanic says ;But seeing you are

a nice Guy I will give You a discount.’

And He holds out a piece of paper

YOU HAVE BEEN PRANKED.

 

Well holy fuck.

God bless My Soul.

If I ever find out who pranked Me.

I will tear them a new Arse Hole.

Sewing Machine Man

19 Friday Feb 2016

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The Year is 1972.

And Alejandro Druis  is the Supervisor at

a Mexican Sweat Shop.

 

He is in charge of Thirty Machinists producing

fake Designer Labels.

From Handbags Clothes Shoes Belts and Accessories.

Whatever you want they can fake them all.

 

But Alejandro is a sleaze bag.

He has wandering Eyes and wandering Hands.

An accidental touch to the Breast.

Or maybe a touch to the inner Thigh.

The Girls are all too scared to say anything.

Because Alejandro is one creepy Guy.

 

But one of the Girls does complain.

She goes upstairs and tell the Owner of the Sweat Shop

All about Alejandro’s  groping and touching.

And that the Girls will go on Strike if it doesn’t stop.

 

The Owner Mr Mendez promises to fix the situation.

But there is a glint in His Eye.

Mr Mendez might look like a Model Citizen.

But He is just like Alejandro.

But He is an even Creepier Guy.

 

So Alejandro is dragged across the Coals by Mr Mendez.

.

And He is given a good dressing down.

He is told that this is His final warning.

One more indiscretion and He will be fired.

Alejandro walks out of the Office all Hot Headed and Wied.

 

Margurita the Girl who made the Complaint

Is walking Home after Work.

.It has been one hectic Day.

All She wants to do is to get Home to Her Husband and Kids.

 

Then a Car pulls up beside Her.

And the Driver offers Her a lift Home.

 

She looks in the Window and gives a look of distaste.

Jesus this Guy sure has a nerve.

But seeing that the Car isn’t being Driven by a Stranger.

She climbs on in.

But She should of listened to that voice in Her Head.

Screaming Danger Danger.

 

The Sewing Machine Man drives His victim Home

And into the cutting and sewing Room.

Then He joins the Needle with the Thread.

He starts up the Sewing Machine.

And with a double stitch he sews Her Mouth up nice

and tight.

Then Her Eyes are Double Stitched closed.

With the Sewing Machine Man.

Anything goes.

 

Then Margurita is dragged down to the Basement.

And wrapped in a White Sheet.

Then She is hung from the Rafters like a giant Cocoon.

But She will never turn into a Butterfly.

Not even a Moth.

Cause Margurita is enclosed in Her Burial Cloth.

 

The next Day at Work all of the Girls notice that

Margurita Work Station is empty.

Margurita’s Housemate tells the Girls that Margurita

didn’t come Home last night.

Then She looks over at Alejandro

And Her Eyes are filled with fright.

 

Then She starts to scream at Alejandro ‘What have you done

with Margurita?’

Alejandro yells back calling Her ‘One crazy Senorita’

 

Mr Mendez runs out of His Office.

And the Work Floor quietens down.

Alejandro whispers to Juanita that He will deal with Her later.

The Girls start up their Machines.

The Ordres have to go out on time.

The Girls whisper among themselves.

Because they all know that Margurita has been the victim

of a nasty Cime.

 

After a long Day at Work.

Juanita is tired and wants to get Home.

She cant afford to catch the Bus.

So She has to walk.

She is thinking about Margurita.

She knows that something bad has happened.

No one just disappears.

And as She walks along.

Her Eyes fill with Tears.

 

After walking for about Twenty Minutes.

The Hairs on the back of Her Neck stand on end.

She knows that She is being followed.

And as She starts to turn around.

A Hand covers Her Mouth stifling Her Scream.

And with the smell of Chloroform

Juanita starts to Dream.

 

The Sewing Machine Man is feeling pleased with Himself.

He drags Juanita into position.

She has seen and heard more then She should.

So He decides to use the Heavy Duty Thread.

And He Stitches Juanita’s Mouth and Eyes closed.

Juanita will never see or hear anything anymore.

She has left this World.

The Sewing Machine Man has Himself a little rest.

His sewing Fingers are getting a little sore.

 

Juanita is wrapped in a White Sheet.

And She is Hung up next to Margurita.

They both look like Eygptian Mummies in their

Burial Tomb.

The Sewing Machine Man stands back and admires His

Handiwork.

He can also see that there is still plenty of Room.

 

At the Sweat Shop the next Day.

Alejandro notices that Juanita isn’t sitting behind Her

Machine.

Now He is down Two Girls.

Jesus maybe He will have to operate a Machine Himself.

He looks at the Door.

Maybe Juanita is only running late?

It is time for a Cup of Coffee.

The work will have to wait.

 

In His Office Mr Mendez is watching Alejandro with

a smirk on His Face.

He knows exactly where Margurita and Juanita are.

They are hanging upside down in His Basement.

Then He looks at Alejandro again.

And He starts thinking about framing an Innocent

Man.

 

Mr Mendez calls Alejandro into His Office.

And tells Him that He isn’t feeling well.

So He is going Home early.

Alejandro couldn’t give a Shit.

He runs the place anyway.

Who cares if Mr Mendez goes Home?

While the Cat is away the Mouse will play.

 

So Alejandro gets up nice and close to the Girls as

they work.

And you know how Girls will gossip?

Alejandro cant believe what He is Hearing.

The Girls are talking about Mr Mendez

They think that Mendez has Killed the Two Girls.

 

Alejandro has also seen the Evil in Mr Mendez’s Eye.

And it is strange how He went Home early

He has never done that before.

Alejandro is concerned for the Girls.

But with Mendez out of the way.

He is first in line to take His place.

He could do a first class job.

Alejandro can sometimes be a Scumbag.

He has the same cruples as Sideshow Bob.

 

Mr Mendez has also been busy at Home

He has loaded the Two Girls into the back of His Truck.

He will drive over to Alejandro’s place and dump

them there.

Then He will call the Police.

 

What He doesn’t know is that Alejandro has called

the Police first.

With His concern for the Girls.

And His desire to be replacement.

He really wants be this Promotion.

He starts moving his stuff into Mr Mendez Office.

His plan is already in motion.

 

Mr Mendez has one last look around

Looking for anything He might have missed.

But the Basement looks all Spick and Span.

Mr Mendez is proud of Himself.

Cause after all He is The Sewing Machine Man.

 

He is so busy big noting Himself

That He doesn’t hear the pounding on the Front Door.

And He walks outside.

Straight into the Hands of Two Policeman.

 

He is placed in Handcuffs.

And put in the back of a Police Car.

If these Two Cops think that Cuffs can retrain Him

Well they haven’t seen nothing yet.

He just bides His time.

Waiting for the right moment.

No way is He going down for this Crime.

 

The Two Cops up front are talking.

Not paying any attention.

They aren’t expecting any trouble from the Cuffed Criminal

The Sewing Machine Man is relying on gut instinct.

And when the Traffic Lights turn Red.

He slips out of the Handcuffs.

And disappears into the Night.

And the chances of catches Him are very minimal.

 

Back at the Sweat Shop.

Alejandro and the Girls have heard about Mr Mendez arrest.

But they haven’t heard about His escape from custody.

 

Once they hear they should all run and hide.

Go under Police Protection.

Escape to the  Countryside.

Just get the fuck out of the State.

Cause the Sewing Machine Man is coming.

And He is full of hate.

 

Not that far away.

The Sewing Machine Man is preparing His Needle and Thread.

And polishing His Jamone.

He want be happy until all of the People who crossed Him are Dead.

The Sewing Machine Man is completely off His Head.

 

Keep an Eye out for Part Two.

‘The sewing Machine Man’

‘Janome on the Loose’.

Harry Pot Head

14 Sunday Feb 2016

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I think Today is Monday.

Hang on I have to light My Bong.

Jesus Fucking Matches.

They never work.

Okay here we go.

Man this Weed is Bitching.

 

I lay in Bed all Day.

And every now and then

I will have Myself a little Smoke.

My Girlfriend screams at Me ‘Are going to stay

in there all Day’

And then She gives Me a little poke.

 

Well I think that Today is Tuesday.

And I am equally sure that I should be at Work.

But I couldn’t be bothered.

So after a Breakfast of Greens.

I go back to Bed for a Snooze or maybe a Cone.

My Mind is going round in crazy circles.

I feel like a Dog who cant find His Bone.

 

Wednesday Hump Day.

Halfway through My non working Week.

My Mind gets all mixed up when I try to speak

My Tongue gets all twisted as it tries to form Words.

Smoking all of that Green stuff has fried My Brain

and messed with My Vocal Cords.

 

Maybe I should call Work and tell them that I wont be in.

But I cant quite reach that you know that Phone calling

Mobile Device.

But My smoking Weed contraption is nice and close.

So I just think like President Clinton.

And I inhale another Dose.

 

I drag Myself out of Bed

Put the Kettle on and have a Pee.

I can feel the Drug filling up My Head.

My Eyes are open but they do not see.

I just sit on the Lounge feeling all chill and mellow.

I am as high as a Kite

I am a floating off My Face kind of Fellow.

 

I have one lucid moment  around Lunch time.

And I remember why I haven’t been going to work

all Week.

The reason is that I haven’t worked in over a Year.

I got sacked because I like to smoke the funny Green

Stuff a bit too much.

I cant seem to get My Brain into gear.

And even though I cant feel anything.

I know that I am losing touch.

 

So now I think it is Thursday.

I have to go out to collect My Welfare Cheque.

I go to the Bathroom to do My routine.

Then I have a look in the Mirror.

And a Stranger looks back at Me.

But I couldn’t give a Crap.

Whatever will be will be.

 

I cant remember the last time that I washed My

Clothes or My Hair.

So I throw some Clothes in the Washer.

And have a Shower and a Comb.

And put on some clean Underwear.

 

I clean Myself up as best as I can.

Then I rush out to catch My Bus.

But I have forgotten My Bong.

So I hurry back inside.

And while I am there I have a Little Smoke.

My need for the Drug has become very strong.

I am now a Drug reliant messed up Bloke.

 

So I catch a later Bus into Town.

And I feel every Eye looking at Me.

Or is it just My imagination?

I feel the Worms burrowing deep inside My Head.

My Paranoia is in full force.

And My Neurosis is being well fed.

 

Friday arrives.

My Pockets are full of Drug buying Cash.

My supply is running short.

My little Baggie wont last much longer.

So I decide to finish it off.

I pack My  Bong up to the brim.

And I waste My Life in a smoke filled Room.

I no longer live on Planet Earth.

I am Space Tripping around the Moon.

 

So now I am running in empty.

I need to get to the Pub.

And do a deal with My Supplier.

Who needs a Fridge full of Food?

I am now nothing but a dirty crazy Drug buyer.

 

So I wander into the Pub

Looking like something that the Cat dragged in.

But I do a deal.

And I buy a bag full of Sin.

A Bag of Mullumbimby Madness.

 

I hurry Home to smoke it

And I begin to float.

My Heart is full of gladness.

As I smoke some more.

It fills up with loneliness and sadness.

 

So now the Weekend is here.

All of the Days sort of blend together.

I think about going out to Socialise

But I stayed seated in My Chair.

To go out now wouldn’t be wise.

 

And before you know it Monday will be here.

Then Tuesday

Then the next Day.

Then another Week will be gone.

But I couldn’t give a Shit.

And I reach for my trusty Bong.

Good Little Doggie

12 Friday Feb 2016

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What a perfect Day.

The Sun is shining the Birds are Chirping

A good Day for a walk in the Park.

So I put on My Baseball Cap and my walking Shoes.

Then I jump in My Car.

 

After a Twenty Minute Drive I arrive at My Destination.

Sydneys’s Centennial Park.

My favourite spot for some recreation.

And chatting up Chicks.

 

I just follow the Path taking in all of the sights.

Nodding to my fellow Walkers.

Basking in the Sunshine.

Listening to all of the Birds.

Yes Life doesn’t get any better them this.

 

Coming towards Me is a young Lady with a Chihauhau

on a Lead.

The Dog is wagging its Tail and its Tongue is hanging out.

It is obviously enjoying its walk.

 

I they get near Me I reach down to give the Dog a Pat.

‘Good little Doggie’ I say.

The young Lady is startled and says ‘Mister I wouldn’t get

to close to Misty.’

 

I look at Her and then at the Dog.

It is about the size of a Guinea Pig.

The Chihauhau looked at Me.

And then it started to snarl like a Pit Bull on heat.

It made a sound like a rabid Cujo.

And bared its Teeth like a Wolf.

 

And before I could react.

It had latched on to Two of My Fingers.

I could feel it chewing and biting through My Skin.

And right into the Bone.

Then those Tow Fingers were bitten right off.

And swallowed on down.

 

I couldn’t believe this was happening

I was screaming My Lungs out.

And Blood was pouring from My wound.

But Misty the Chihauhau wasn’t finished with Me yet.

It had latched on to My Ankle.

And was biting into My Achilles Tendon.

I was shaking My Leg trying to throw it off.

But it was hanging on for grim death.

And then I heard My Tendon snap.

 

As I fell to the ground Misty the Chijauhau.

That good little Doggie from Hell

Got hold of My other Ankle

And this time I heard and felt My Tendon snap.

Well I was laying on the ground.

I couldn’t move.

And the young Lady was saying. ‘Mister leave Misty

alone.’

 

Couldn’t the B arch see all of the Blood?

This isn’t no game.

I couldn’t stand up to escape the Beast.

I was screaming for help

Them Misty that Evil Chihauhau latched onto my Throat.

 

I started to panic as I felt its Teeth dig in deep

As it shook its Head from side to side.

I felt My Lifes Blood draining away.

And then I felt no more.

 

I woke up in the Hospital.

Minus Two Fingers and My dignity.

Both of My Tendons have been reattached.

My Throat is sore and swollen.

The Doctors mightn’t be able to talk.

But if I do it will only be a whisper.

 

But all I can think about.

Is that I have been brought to Deaths door

By a Chihauhau the size of a drowned Rat.

That good little Doggie was possessed.

Just like that Girl in that ‘Exorcist’ Movie.

 

I press the Button.

And I feel the Morphine relieve the pain.

As the Drug is taking hold.

I look out of the Hospital Window.

And I almost call for a Bedpan

 

For out in the Carpark is a young Lady with a Dog

A good little Doggie with an attitude problem.

They are both laughing as they look into My Room

I can still hear the snarls.

And I can still feel its Teeth.

And this time I call for the Bedpan.

 

I was in Hospital for Two Months.

My physical wounds are healing really well.

But My Mental wounds are still a work in progress.

Will they ever heal?

I guess only time will tell.

 

I was released from the Hospital on a Tuesday Afternoon.

And I have to use a Walking Stick for a while.

A bonus is that the Two Fingers that I lost aren’t on My

dominant Hand.

I wonder if the Owner of that Dog from Hell will have to

stand trial?

And will I have to take the Witness Stand?

 

After about Six Months I am starting to feel at ease and relaxed.

I haven’t seen the young Lady or that Demonic Dog again.

My Mind is feeling better.

But there still are a few cracks.

And I am actually thinking about getting a Pet.

But it sure as fuck wont be a Dog.

As I think about what sort of Pet to get.

I come to a decision.

I am going to get Myself a Cat.

Or maybe a small Green Tree Frog?

 

But a Cat it is.

I go and check out My Local Pound.

And right away I spot a cute little Siamese.

A Cat is a lot safer then a deranged Hound.

And the Cat smiles at Me eager to please.

So I name Her Pandora and take Her Home.

But I make sure that 000 is on speed dial on My

Mobile Phone.

 

Everything at Home is all set up for a Moggy.

Litter Tray plenty of Toys and Cat food.

But Pandora is a fussy eater.

She doesn’t like the Food that I provide.

And She let Me know by Hissing and baring Her Teeth.

I am beginning to think that having a Cat for a Pet.

Might be a bit misguided.

I hope that Pandora doesn’t think that I taste like Beef?

 

So when I go Shopping I buy Her another brand of Cat Food.

Especially made for fussy eaters.

Made from hand crafted Organic Chicken.

Well Pandora’s Eyes light up.

And She gets in a real mellow Mood.

 

But then She stops eating so I say Come on Pandora give

it another try’

Well Her Eyes go from Green to stone cold Dead.

She looks at Me like I am a Turkey ready to Baste.

I think it is time little Kitty went to Bed.

Well Pandora has other ideas.

And She springs at Me like a Voodoo Princes on Meth.

I try to lurch back.

But I was nowhere near quick enough.

Then Pandora’s Claws raked My Face.

And I felt My Left Eyeball turn to mush.

 

I cant believe this is happening again.

Another Animal attack.

I can feel My Eyeball juices running down My Face

And I ring 000 lucky it is on speed dial.

I hold My Hand up to My Eye Socket.

To maybe hold My Eye in place.

And Pandora takes off.

Running a Three minute Mile.

 

So once again I am on My way to Hospital.

Maybe they will give Me the same Bed

But if they cant do that.

They can give me a Bed for the repeated Victim of

an Animal attack instead.

 

Well I have lost an Eye.

And I have Thirty Six Stitches up and down My Face.

So now I look like Cyclops

So I stay at Home to avoid the stares.

 

But the Doctors finally fitted Me with a Prosthetic Eyeball.

And I am still walking with the aide of a Walking Stick.

But I am still breathing.

So I am still alive.

And I would still love to have a Pet.

 

What sort of Pet should I get?

A Rabbit?

A Guinea Pig?

A Hamster?

Or maybe I will get Myself a Pet Bird.

Or maybe a Fish?

 

But then I sit back and take stock.

And I go and buy Myself a Pet Rock.

Golden Dreams

07 Sunday Feb 2016

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For my Annual Holidays I decided to hire a Metal

Detector.

Go out to the middle of nowhere.

And make my fortune in Gold.

 

Or Silver Opals or Diamonds Or maybe I will find some

Buried Treasure

Or maybe I will find a Shit load of Gold Coins way in the

back of a Cave.

Jesus I am Daydreaming again.

So I tell my imagination to behave.

 

So I hire a Metal Detector.

And on my adventure I go.

As I drive I dream about Pirates Buccaneers.

And old wooden Ships.

Plus a cranky old Captain with a Parrot on His Shoulder.

I Dream about finding my fortune.

And a Gold Nugget as big as a Boulder.

 

So after driving for two days I finally reach my Destination.

I little place in Queensland called Cassowary Hideaway.

I find myself a little Bungalow.

And book in for a week long stay.

 

Early the next morning I drive into Town to pick up some

Supplies.

And while I am there I buy some Maps.

I ask the Newsagent if He has any Treasure Maps.

Preferably one where X marks the spot.

Only joking haha.

 

Well the Newsagent doesn’t get my sense of humour.

He looks at Me like I am some Loco from the South.

I can see that My charm isn’t working.

So for a change I just shut My Mouth.

 

Well the Locals sure are friendly I feel right at Home.

I buy the Maps and then go to the Grocery Store for some

Food and Water.

Then I jump into my 4WD to start My Detecting.

I just hope that my directions don’t need correcting.

 

But before I head off inland.

I decide to give My Detector a trial run on the Beach.

So I walk up and down the Sand.

Waving that thing back and forth.

And right away it goes odd with the pinging sound

of success,

But a couple of Hours.

All I got for my trouble was a rusty old Horse Shoe Car

Keys a few Coins and a cast iron Camp Fire Pan.

I hope that I have better luck Tomorrow.

When I travel deep into the Hinterland.

 

I wake early the next Morning.

And after a breakfast of Bacon and Emu Eggs.

I set off for a five hour drive.

But if I stumble across a likely looking spot.

I will stop and check it out.

 

And after two hours that is exactly what happened.

I like the look of a little clearing  beside a trickle of

a Creek.

Hopefully My Metal Detector will go ballistic.

And I will make My Fortune before the end of the Week.

 

After setting up all of my Camping gear.

It is time to take in My surroundings.

So I grab my Detector and go on a walk about.

Well I walk around for Hours.

And the only thing that I Detect.

Is that the Clouds have turned dark and gloomy.

So I hurry back to my Four Person Tent.

And for one Person it is nice and roomy.

 

As I sit there watching the Rain coming down.

Enjoying a cold Beer or Two.

Then My Mind starts to wander.

As I look out at the great wide yonder.

 

Maybe I will find a Treasure Chest  full of Jewellery

and Silver.

Or a giant Nugget weighing a Thousand Ounces.

Or maybe I will find a secret Government Vault

Like the American Fort Knox.

Then I can buy myself a Mansion.

And stop living on the Street of Hard Knocks.

 

I Smile as I think about My Golden Dream.

Then I feel that My Bladder is full.

So I let loose a long golden stream.

 

I have a restless Night.

Thinking about all of the Wild Animals out there.

Cassowarys Dingoes Spiders Snakes and Scorpions.

And of course the Salt Water Crocodile.

An Ancient Reptile like a Freight Train with Teeth.

The most dangerous Animal on Earth.

Is the one that lurks beneath.

 

The next Morning I wake up tired weary and wired.

But after a Breakfast of Bacon and Eggs

I am ready to go exploring.

 

So I decide to follow the Creek inland.

To see where it will take Me.

And as I take in the beautiful scenery

I realise that this place is where every Person on Earth

should see.

 

As I wave My Detector around.

The Air is filled with the sound of silence.

It is not picking up a thing.

Maybe it is broken?

So I do some tinkering

And finally I get a sound

But it is not the sound of striking Gold

It is not that at all.

It is the sound of a Waterfall.

 

I walk towards the sound.

And I come across a large Billabong.

About Fifty Metres wide.

And God knows how deep.

And My Detector is still turned on.

And it is going ballistic.

Like a deranged out of control Pogo Stick.

 

Then it jumps out of My Hands.

And takes off towards the Falls.

It cuts through the Water like a Outboard Motor.

Or like a crazy Whipper Snipper.

Jesus I think I have hit the jackpot.

You little ripper.

 

Well the fastest way to see what is behind the Falls.

Is for Me to go for a swim.

So I strip down to My Underwear.

Have a quick look out for a Croc.

Then I jump right in.

It is only Thirty Metres to the Falls.

But it looks so far away.

Then I feel a tightening in My Balls.

 

A Crocodile is Twenty Metres behind Me.

And it is closing in fast.

I only have a few Metres to go.

So I start to Swim like a Torpedo.

It is like I am wearing Fuel Injected Speedos

I just make it.

Before the Croc can give my Arse another hole.

I shoot beneath the Falls.

Like a Bullet from a Gun.

And it feels like I have swum straight towards the Sun.

 

I cant believe My Eyes.

I have swum into a Golden Cave.

The Cave looks to be about Ten Metres deep.

And it is Choc a Bloc with Gold.

Gold Bars Gold Jewellery Gold Gold Gold.

 

It must be a long lost Pirate Treasure.

Captain Hook Captain Kidd Captain Blue Beard.

One of those.

 

Wait what am I Hearing?

 

Beep Beep  Beep Beep

Jesus it is my Alarm Clock.

The whole Adventure was just a Dream

I cant believe it was just a Dream.

A Golden Dream.

Ego Is A Muscle (Mind Gym)

05 Friday Feb 2016

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Your Ego is a Muscle.

If you want to keep it in shape.

You have to work on it.

 

But your Ego is a fragile Muscle.

But don’t overdo it.

Just take it nice and slow.

Relax go at it nice and easy.

Close your Eyes and go with the flow.

 

But don’t work on your Ego too much.

Or it will get out of control.

And someone with a huge Ego is very hard to take.

I can only handle them in small doses.

People with huge Egos come across as insecure and fake.

 

Jenny Donahue is a Mousey young Women.

She is lonely and still Single.

She wants desperately to get off Her Lounge Chair.

And get out and mingle.

But She is afraid of the big wide world.

She wants a Boyfriend to Love and hold.

And maybe down the Road there will be a Diamond Ring.

 

Jenny goes off to work everyday.

Then She drives Home all alone.

She sits down in front of the TV with a cup of Coffee.

But His Eyes keep drifting to Her Mobile Phone.

She just wants somebody to give Her a call.

And give Her Ego a boost.

But just like an Old Mother Hen.

She settles down to roost.

 

The next day ay work Jenny just goes through the Motions.

Sitting in front of Her Computer.

Jenny needs a kick start to Her confidence.

She needs someone to Reboot Her.

 

So once again Jenny goes Home all alone.

She unwinds and makes Herself a snack.

Her Eyes drift to Her Phone.

But once again it doesn’t ring or vibrate.

Jenny needs a helping Hand.

Before it is too late.

 

Then She starts up Her Laptop.

And connects to the Internet.

She visits a few sites.

And has a little look.

She is just about to Shutdown.

When She decides to visit Facebook.

 

After looking at what Her non existant Friends are up to.

Her Eyes are drawn to an Advertisement for an App called

Mind Gym.

It promises to ‘Give your Ego and Self Esteem a tweek’

;All you have to do is Seek’.

 

So Jenny downloads the App to Her Phone.

And She places Her Headphones to Her Ears.

Then She lays down for a nap.

So while Jenny is asleep.

The App goes to work.

Her Brain is being rewired

Her Ego is now pumped and bigger.

And Her Self Esteem has been boosted

The Mind Gym App has pulled the Self Confidence trigger.

 

Jenny wakes up feeling refreshed.

It is like She is a new Person.

She takes Her time applying Her Makeup.

Before She couldn’t give a Shit.

Now She wants to look Her best.

As She brushes and combs Her Hair.

Jenny decides that She will go new Clothes shopping

Then She sees Her reflection in the Mirror.

She thinks it is time to do some Bar hopping.

 

Thanks to the Mind Gym App.

Jenny now feels that She do anything and go anywhere.

She feels  like a Movie Star.

She has noticed all of the Males staring.

Jenny was once an under achiever.

But with Her Ego back to normal.

She is now a true believer.

 

 

On the other side of the World.

Lives a Forty year old Male.

Barry Richards is shitting Bricks.

He is as nervous as Hell.

He has just been promoted to the Companies Management

Team.

And he has to chair the first meeting.

And we all know what that means .

Public Speaking.

 

On the Night before the Meeting.

Barry is at Home having a Beer.

All He can think about is the prospect of talking

in front of Thirty People.

It is driving Barry crazy.

He would rather be impaled on a Church Steeple.

 

Barry and talking don’t go together.

He is afraid that he will say the wrong thing.

And besides He would rather just listen.

When Barry is nervous He starts to Stammer and Stutter.

And He breaks out in a sweat.

His Skin gets all wet and glistens.

Barry Richards is a nervous wreck.

 

Barry knows that He is lacking in confidence.

And that His Ego is a bit down.

And it needs a boost.

And His Self Esteem is in need of a jump start.

But He doesn’t want to put the Horse before the Cart.

 

So just like Jenny he goes onto the Internet.

Mr Google will have all the answers.

But first Barry goes to Facebook.

And he notices the Mind Gym App.

Barry starts to get really excited.

He is tired of feeling like Crap.

 

And just like Jenny before Him.

He plugs His Earphones into His Phone.

Then He has a Lay down.

And the App does its thing.

As He sleeps Barry’s Eyelids are jumping.

He is starting to feel confident.

All of Barry’s Ego Muscles are pumping.

He is having an Ego workout while He is Horizontal.

Barry’s Ego and Self Esteem are now Full Frontal.

 

It goes without saying that Barry’s Presentation

went off without a hitch.

He talked and talked about Sales growth now and looking

forward.

He says that the Company’s future looks bright.

And that it is in good hands.

 

The People in attendance all got up and applauded.

All of Barry’s worrying was all for nothing.

He now feels like He has been reborn.

His Ego has been Wined and Dined.

And His Self Esteem has been refined.

 

A low Ego and Self Esteem can be a real hassle.

So if you know somebody who might be lonely

and feeling a bit left out.

Just realise that not everybody is a People Person.

 

But they are still a Person.

Not a lump of Wood.

So just give them a Smile and some conversation.

If you could.