Driving to Work Yesterday.
I was really looking forward to the Day ahead.
And the Drive was smooth and easy in My trusty
It might be small and compact.
But I was feeling like a High Roller.
Just cruising along listening to My Music.
A rotation of Rock and Blues.
It was getting close to the top of the Hour.
And I wanted to catch the News.
And as I go to switch to Radio.
My Eyes drift to the Dashboard.
And I see that the Kilometre reading is 99,850.
My Heart starts racing and I get all tense.
I just tell Myself ‘Calm down Steven there is no
need to panic’
‘You just have to book in with a Mechanic’.
I wasn’t really happy with My last Service.
So I search the Internet for the best deal.
I know absolutely nothing about Cars
I just go by sense and feel.
But one of the searches catches My Eye.
‘Bills Mechanical Services all work guaranteed’
‘In Bill you can trust’
And in My Eyes reliability is a must
And trust is a must.
So I give them a call and tell them that I want
a service and nothing more.
And they reassure Me that the Customers needs always
So I Book My Car in.
I am told that the Service cost will be $159 all inclusive.
I am happy with that.
So I give them the go ahead.
I just hope that Bill doesn’t let Me down.
Cause as we all know.
A trust worthy Mechanic can be mighty elusive.
So the next Morning I drop My Car off at Bills.
And I get a lift to work.
Then My Car is forgotten as I Clock In.
It is just business as usual.
I do My work as best as I can.
But all I can think about is the first break.
My Stomach is really grumbling.
Just hurry up for fuck sake.
I just sit down
When My Phone tells Me that I have One missed
It seems that Bill the Mechanic has found a problem
with My Brakes.
They need Bleeding and the Discs grinded down.
Is Bill being trustworthy?
Or is He giving Me the run around?
I reply that all I want is the Service and nothing more.
The Brakes can wait until next time.
Bill replies back ‘As well as the Brakes the Ball Joints
‘And while He is at He might as well replace the Rotor Cuffs’
Is Bill the hard of hearing Mechanic for real?
Or is it one big bluff?
I have to back to Work.
I haven’t got time for this Shit.
And for the next Two Hours all I can think about is My
Car in the Hands of that crazy Grease Monkey.
I think that Bill is One Spanner short of a full set.
A few slices short of a Loaf.
And I am sure that is a pretty safe bet.
At My next Break another text is waiting.
As well as the Brakes Ball Joints and Rotor Cuffs
My Tyres need rotating.
And My Clutch is kind of sloppy.
Which is really weird because My Car is an Automatic.
I think you looked inside Bills Head.
You would find a big empty space.
With lots of Static.
So I reply back that I will only pay for the Service’
And as all the other work was unauthorised
I wont pay one cent towards that cost.
And if You continue to do unnecessary work on My Car.
I will report You to The Mechanics Board Of Integrity’
I am pretty sure that that Board doesn’t exist.
But it sounds good.
So hopefully Bill will cease and desist.
Like any normal Mechanic would.
But I know it is all wistful thinking.
Because thirty seconds later another Text arrives.
Besides the Brakes Ball Joints Rotor Cuffs and the
rotation of My Tyres.
I apparently need a new Transmission.
An Engine Overhaul and oh yeah new Wiper Blades.
This Manic Mechanic.
Is straight from the Streets of Hades.
God this Mechanic is such a Dipstick.
I hope His Head gets caught in the Fan Belt.
Or get sucked up the Exhaust Pipe.
Or He will drown while changing the Motor Oil.
This Manic Mechanic really is a huge pain in the Arse.
Just like a nasty pus filled Boil.
Well as You can imagine.
I was feeling a bit apprehensive when I finish Work to
pick up My Car.
I am picturing Bill to look like a bit of a Bogan.
You know like He Married His Cousin.
Or maybe He will look like that Old Wrestler Hulk Hogan.
But He just like a regular Guy.
And as He approaches Me.
He wipes His Hands on an old Oily Rag.
But then I have a second look.
And I see His ‘I can kill you with one hand tied behind My
So I take a step back
Then hands Me the Bill.
Then I start to relax when I see the Service cost $159.
I was worrying about nothing.
But then I keep on reading.
And it is a long read.
When I finally get to the bottom of the Page and see the total.
I nearly jumped out of My Skin.
$3810 plus GST.
My Skin gets all wet and clammy.
As I stare at the outrageous fee.
Well I aint paying.
Do you know what I am saying.
I have to make a stand.
Yeah right I couldn’t fight My way out of a wet paper Bag.
My Knees start to shake and wobble.
I Shiver with what feels like a nasty case of Jet Lag.
So I stand up to reinforce My Statement
I aint paying
Didn’t you hear what I said?
I only booked in for a Service
Not the extra work carried out.
Then I look at this Manic Mechanic.
This Guy is as crazy as Bat Shit.
A compete Loony Tune.
Of that I have no doubt.
Well He looks at Me with a nasty grin ‘I f You don’t pay
I will take possession of Your Car’
‘Until You pay the arrears’
Well My Eyes were full of rage fuelled Tears.
And I was about to give Him a piece of My Mind.
But when I look up Bill is holding a Baseball Bat.
But I don’t care I have to stand up for Myself.
And that’s that.
Then Bill that Manic Mechanic says ;But seeing you are
a nice Guy I will give You a discount.’
And He holds out a piece of paper
YOU HAVE BEEN PRANKED.
Well holy fuck.
God bless My Soul.
If I ever find out who pranked Me.
I will tear them a new Arse Hole.