A Friend of Mine recently asked Me to help Him
fix His Car.
Because I am really handy with Tools.
Yeah right and I am also Tall Dark and Handsome.
And we all know that isn’t so.
I arrive at His Place.
His Car is in the Driveway with the Hood up.
It is one of those Ford Corolla Toyota Fiesta things.
I recognise the Radiator and the Fan Belt.
And is that a Dip Stick?
Do Cars still have Spark Plugs?
This is all very confusing
My Brain is feeling kind of numb
But I am who I am.
But I bluff My way through.
My Mate doesn’t seem to notice that I don’t know
a thing about Cars.
It seems that the problem was the Altenator.
Something about not enough power to keep the
I thought it might have been a loose Hub Cap
Or maybe a faulty Fuse Wire.
But I was wrong.
Sometimes I can be all Thumbs.
But most of the time I am just
Well that went well.
Now I am thinking that I could Renovate My House
How hard can it be?
So I decide to start with the Bathroom
First to go is the Tiles.
I might have swung the Sledge Hammer a little to hard
Because it went straight through the Wall.
And right into the next Room
A Hole is good for ventilation right?
A little Spak Filler and Grout and Nobody will even notice
And just like a Professional
My Shorts are at half mast.
Showing half of My Bum
But unlike them
I am still feeling Comfortably Dumb
Next the Kitchen
Everything has to go
I rip all of the Cupboards
And as I want an Open Plan Kitchen
I knock down the Dividing Wall.
Then there is a creaking noise.
And the Ceiling starts to sag.
Maybe I should have left the Support Beam in place?
One of My Neighbours must of dobbed Me in
Because a Council Inspector came around to on My Home
I think Improvements is the right Word
But they tell Me that My House has been condemned
I obviously didn’t add up My sums.
I am still n My comfort zone.
Still Comfortably Dumb.
I am thinking about changing Careers
Maybe I could be an Engineer?
I am obviously goo at fixing things.
I could build a new Harbour Bridge
Or a high rise Building.
In any design that I fancy.
I will create it all on My Computer.
It will be so much fun.
But then I remember that I am
While the Builders are at My Place
Finishing what I started.
I will crash at My Girlfriends Apartment.
Probably for about a Month.
Maybe I could fix Her Place up?
When I tell Her of My Plans.
She shakes Me by the Shoulders ‘You get that idea
out of your Head Mister’
My Apartment is fine it doesn’t need any of Your so
Well I am hurt.
I have been cut down to size.
I feel about as big as Tom Thumb.
My Brain is always Numb.
I am always showing half of My Bum.
I am still Comfortably Dumb.
A few Hours later.
And we are sitting on the Lounge.
The silence is deafening.
Then My Girlfriend apologises for Her outburst.
I tell Her no apology necessary.
Lets start over again.
We hold Hands and start to Kiss.
And then our Hands start to wander.
Well things are getting real heavy.
So We adjourn to the Bedroom.
After about Thirty Seconds of Foreplay.
We are going for it.
I am feeling like a Porno Star.
I show Her all of My moves.
She is screaming and begging for more.
I go faster and faster.
And then Urghh ‘Cindy Cindy I think I am gonna Cum’
Well Cindy grabs hold of My Nuts and starts to squeeze
‘Who in the fuck is Cindy?’My name is Chloe’
Well She kicks Me out of Bed
And I land on My little Head.
I guess there isn’t any chance of another romp?
Well the Words that She used I cant repeat here.
But most of them contained four letters.
I cant believe how stupid I was.
And My Nuts are all bruised and numb.
I guess I am and always will be
I am now safe at Home.
Back in My Natural Habitat.
I now know that I shouldn’t touch any Tools.
I will leave that to the Experts.
I am happy just laying around watching some TV.
And scratching My Bum.
I reach for the Remote.
Feeling like My Old self.