It is a dark and stormy night.
And i am laying in bed all alone.
I toss and turn but i cant get to sleep.
My bladder is telling me that it is full.
I can’t believe it i only went an hour ago.
I must have a bladder the size of a walnut.
I really need to urinate right now.
I am all bleary eyed as i make my way to the bathroom.
It is a work night so i need to do a quick pee and go back to bed.
So i open my pyjama pants and shake hands with shorty.
It takes some coaxing but eventually my urine starts to flow.
I close my eyes and breathe a sigh of relief.
God it feels like i am pissing a river.
Than i get a feeling that is completely fucked and brain numbing.
I open my eyes and look down.
The toilet is completely covered in about a thousand ants.
Little black specks of movement.
I try to move but i am totally transfixed.
I get the shock of my life as those ants start to swim up my Stream
Against the flow.
Just like sockeye salmon that swim upstream to spawn.
These little black ants are on a mission.
I still cant move as i watch those ants swim up the eye of my penis.
I lean into the sink and am violently sick.
As i recover i realise that my member is still hanging out.
I go to tuck it back in when i notice one huge motherfucking ant
I almost died right there and then.
That huge black ant was swimming in the last drop of urine near
my pee hole.
I try to shake it loose but it is no use.
That fucker squeezes it way all the way up my urethra
The pain is intense as that ant travels the length of my penis.
And i dont like to brag.
But it takes a whole lot of travelling.
Than the pain goes away so that ant reaches its destination.
I realise that that ant must be the head honcho.
The big lean and mighty mean queen.
I don’t know what to do as i walk around in a daze.
A thousand and one ants have invaded my body
Is that enough ants to start a colony?
God am i going to be a human ant nest?
I can feel all of the ants moving around inside my body.
They are making themselves right at home.
Like a thousand and one indoor plants.
I need to go to the toilet again.
Maybe i can piss those ants back out again.?
But no such luck my stream is ant free.
Than i hear mu alarm sounding off from my bedroom.
Jesus i am supposed to go to work today.
But how can i when my body has been invaded?
I will have to call in sick.
What can i use as an excuse?
Sorry i cant make it in today my body has been invaded by a shit load
My supervisor would get out the butterfly net.
So i ring and say ‘Bill Hamilton here i want be in today because
my pet rock has just died’
There that should do it.
Nothing is wrong here everything is hunky dory.
All is good except for the embarasment and the pee hole pain.
i run around in a panic as i contemplate my next move
Than i feel a sharp pain in my ankles.
I lift up my pants and see the ants moving around.around under
I feel their mandibles start to chew and saw.
My nerve endings are on fire as those ants chew through tendons and sinew.
I lose all feelings in my lower extremities.
My ankles are now completely useless and can no longer support my weight.
And just like umpty dumpty i have a great fall.
Now the ants are crawling all around inside my body.
I can see and feel them under my skin.
I feel them near my nostrils than behind my eyeballs.
I try to scream for help but all i can manage is a feeble croak.
While inside the ants are doing a complete body rearrange.
I know that the only change of have to survive is to somehow
make it outside.
I ignore the pain from my throbbing ankles.
And start to drag myself towards the back door.
I make it into the laundry but the fucking door is closed.
I cant stand up to turn the handle.
Maybe if i bang against the door loud enough .
One of my neighbours will come to investigate.
God the ants are driving me crazy.
It feels like i am being eaten alive.
I look at the back door but i am still out of reach.
Those fucking ants are now chewing at the back of my neck.
I feel a sharp pain at the top of my spine.
My body is on fire as those ants chow down on my bone marrow.
Than i cant feel a thing.
I am paralysed from the neck down
Man those ants are really going to town.
I am now completely covered in ants inside and out.
Only two feet from safety might it might as well be a mile.
My body is no longer mine.
Than the ants start to tear all my clothes off.
And piece by piece they carry it outside.
Five hours later i am left naked on the laundry floor.
The ants crawl in and out of every hole in my body.
As they transform me into a human ant hill.
God don’t these little fuckers ever take a rest?
As those ants come back from outside they back back a tiny piece
It takes the ants two days to completely cover me.
I am now officially a real life human ant nest.
Every part of my body is sealed except my mouth and arsehole.
My nose is plugged and my eyes are sealed.
Even though i can no longer cry.
I still say a final tearful goodbye.
I dread to think what the ants are doing inside of my body.
Will they now use my veins and arteries as a means to bet around?
My lungs would make a good nursery to raise their young.
Maybe they could use my ribs as food racks?
But i know one thing for sure.
And that is the ants will now use my flesh as food.
They will no longer have to go outside to forage.
My body is a living food pantry.
But they better be quick because once i die,
I will start to rot and burst.
I now live in a state of suspension.
My body is still in the laundry but my mind has gone somewhere else.
I can feel the ants moving around in my cranium.
God i hope they don’t eat my brain first.
Even though i am now a human ant hill.
I still want to live a little longer.
But i can feel myself getting weaker and weaker.
While the ants are getting stronger and stronger.
I feel them chewing and gnawing on my eyeballs.
I am a human smorgasbord.
All you can eat no surcharge.
As long as the ants eat my heart and brain last.
A few more seconds alive on this earth.
But i know that soon my body will start to shut down.
As all of my organs are bisected and digested.
And even though i can’t feel anything.
I still feel mighty sore.
I know that once my meat and organs are eaten.
Than by all means and purposes i will no longer exist.
I will be nothing more than a frame.
My skeleton will provide the ants with a human tent.
A custom built brand new home.
Now the ants can start producing babies and honey.
My time is almost up my mind is losing focus.
So while i still have a chance i will say goodbye.
I would cry but i cant shed a tear.
I know that sooner or later my body will be discovered
Family or a friend will report me missing.
Imagine their surprise when they find an anthill in the middle
of the laundry.
Or maybe they want notice and take it as part of the decor.
I can read my tombstone now.
Here lies Bill Hamilton
28/07/1961 – 15/10/16
He died in the shape of an ant hill
May he rest in peace
But he probably never will.