Up in the corner of the living room hangs a cranky piece of tinsel.
It is a week before Christmas 2016 the piece of tinsel has been hanging
there all lonesome for almost a year.
He doesn’t understand why he has been left hanging there in solitude.
When all the other decorations and ornaments were packed away all nice
Yet here he hangs covered in cobwebs and a shitload of dust.
There is movement below him.
And he is pleased to see the owner of the house putting up the Christmas
And start to decorate it in all sorts of baubels silver balls and stars and a
thousand xmas lights.
With an angel placed on top.
The cranky Christmas tinsel is surprised when a step ladder is positioned
And the owner of the house removes a push pin and carries him towards the
Where he is draped over a branch or two right in front and centre.
The cranky Christmas tinsel would be smiling right now if he could.
He cant believe his luck
Now he is in the perfect spot to have some fun and a little bit of mischief.
The family cat wanders in and starts sniffing around the base of the tree.
The cranky Christmas decoration watches the cat and wills it to climb.
But the cat couldn’t be bothered with climbing it arches its back and jumps
right on up.
The Christmas tree starts to sway as the cat wrestles among the branches
in a tangle of Christmas lights.
The cranky Christmas unwraps itself reaches down and flips the light
The cat screams like a banshee on heat and runs from the room destroying
everything in its path blowing smoke signals from its arse.
Now i am not a Native American so the smoke signals are hard to read
But i think it says something like ‘Holy fucking shit’
Smokey the Cats fur now stands permanently on end and it will forever
have a surprised look on his face.
Smokey was last seen hitch hiking out town.
But i am sure that he will be back one day.
The cranky Christmas is hanging in the tree feeling mighty fine.
He looks to the kitchen table where the owner of the house is enjoying
a glass of eggnog.
She is the reason why he is so cranky.
How dare she leave him hanging all year like a forgotten sock.
And the last thing you want in your house is a cranky Christmas tinsel.
The cranky Christmas tinsel senses movement from the corner of his eye.
And when he looks there is a black spider building a web in his fibres.
He used to be clean tucked away all tidy in a box.
But now he is green mean and mighty unclean.
He eyes that spider and an idea forms in his mind.
He contorts his body into the shape pf a slingshot and fires.
The spider tumbles through the air straight towards the kitchen table.
And lands with a plop right into that cup of eggnog.
The owner of the house is startled and when she looks down she is
surprised to see a spider doing the backstroke .
She loses control of her eggnog and it splashes between her ample cleavage.
Along with the spider.
I think her scream was heard from more than five miles away.
She ran around the house tearing off her clothes in a wild panic.
And naked she races into the backyard and dives into the pool.
The spider swims to the side and climbs out feeling rather pleased with
Than he walks back to the Christmas tree and his web on the cranky
After almost drowning the owner of the house retires to her room with
her two trusted companions.
A bottle of bourbon and a pack of cigarettes.
The cranky Christmas tinsel is as happy as Larry as he basks under the
He loves hanging front and centre surrounded by inferior decorations.
Than he is distracted by a noise coming from the fireplace.
And in a cloud of soot a big red arse emerges.
It is that old man with the white beard all the way from the North Pole.
He is carrying some weight and a great big sack.
First stop is the side table where he fills up on milk and cookies.
Than he goes to the Christmas tree takes the presents from his sack
and arranges them under the tree.
The cranky Christmas tinsel is watching Santa’s every move.
And when Santa bends over he cant help to notice that Santa’s pants
are riding low.
He is showing more crack than a freeway after an earthquake.
The cranky Christmas decides to have some fun.
He dangles down from the tree and tickles Santa’s crack.
Well Santa jumped higher than an Olympic pole vaulter .
And after he scraped himself from the ceiling he squeezed back up the
And got the fuck out of there.
The next few days run smoothly.
The owner of the house has some family and friends over to help
celebrate the festive season.
She relaxes and enjoys life for a few days.
Than it is time to go back to work.
Two weeks later the owner of the house decides that it is time to pull
down the tree.
She fills box after box with all of her decorations and lights.
The cranky Christmas tinsel is still hanging on the tree when the owner
of the house returns with another empty box.
She the cranky Christmas tinsel and bends down to place him into the
But she is clumsy and drops the cranky Christmas tinsel and somehow
kicks it under the lounge.
The cranky Christmas tinsel cant fucking believe it.
He wanted to be packed away in hibernation for a year.
But instead here he is under the couch with dead cockroaches stray coins
and an assortment of crumbs.
But he isn’t too worried he is confident that the owner of the house will
notice and pack him away all safe and sound.
Than he feels a tug from behind.
He looks back and sees a pair of green eyes.
Smokey the cat is back from his road trip.
And he wants the cranky Christmas tinsel to pay.
He chews the cranky Christmas tinsel like he is a tasty chicken bone.
And he keeps on chewing until the cranky Christmas tinsel is no more.
A few days later smokey the cat walked up to the owner of the house.
And when she bent down to give him a pat he coughed and spluttered
and out came a nasty looking cranky Christmas tinsel fur ball.