Monthly Archives: December 2017

Carpenters Crack

29 Friday Dec 2017

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The following is a story about an annoying little crack

 

Everyone in the world has heard about the andreas fault line in the united states.

But there is also a little known fissure down under in Australia.

The carpenters crack.

 

The crack first appeared on the evening of 26 August 2016.

 

It ran right down the middle of the main road in Alice Springs,Northern Territory.

At first it was only five feet long and a foot deep.

But as every hour when by the crack got longer wider and deeper.

 

At 11 pm when all of the pubs closed for the night a local named Joel Carpenter stumbles outside.

He is wearing a wobbly boot and has a serious case of the munchies

The local take away is lit up like a Christmas tree so Joel makes his way over and orders a works burger and a shit load of chips.

As he wait for his food Joel plays a battered old pinball machine and sings along with the radio.

When his number is called he grabs his meal and goes out into the night.

 

After a while he crosses the main street to take a short cut through the park when the road beneath him

Joel cries out in surprise but manages to grab hold of the edge of the asphalt with one hand.

He has dropped the bag of chips but the burger is held in a vice like grip.

 

But he sobers up real quick when he realises the trouble that he is in.

So he has one last bite from from tasty burger and reluctantly lets it drop into the crack.

And luckily Joel’s cries were heard by a few of the locals who come running over to see what the commotion is all about.

And they look over the edge of the crack in wonder.

 

One of them is a loud mouth who goes by the name of Bones pipes up’Well well well if it isn’t Joel Carpenter stuck in a crack’

Ha ha ha a carpenters crack,do you all get it ,do ya?’

I get it Bones’ Joel screams from below’But why don’t you stop flapping your gums and pull me up’.

And so the carpenters crack was born.

 

Once Joel is back on terra firma he and the others look down at the opening in the middle of the main drag.

What caused the road to crack open in the first place?

The ground didn’t shake so  there wasn’t an earthquake.

Plus there aren’t any volcano’s in Australia.

So maybe it is a sink hole or worse it is the Devil downstairs getting ready to make an appearance.

 

The authorities soon arrive and the whole area is cordoned off,search lights are set up around the perimeter.

And five policemen are stationed to keep an eye on the crack and to keep the locals away until reinforcements arrive from Adelaide at first light.

 

The carpenters crack is nasty but at the same time somewhat alluring.

You want to avert your eyes but you can’t stop looking.

 

After a few hours of patrolling the area the cops are bored out of their minds so they wander back to a squad car for some coffee and donuts.

But after eating a dozen chocolate glazed and drinking a thermos full of instant coffee they aren’t in the mood to going back on patrol.

So they decide to stay in the car and keep an eye on the crack from the comfort of the upholstered seats.

 

Than an almighty boom revertabrates throughout the outback it sounds like the sky is falling.

The police jump out of the car just in time and watch in amazement as the crack opens and their squad car disappears into the void.

 

The crack is moving faster than any carpenter ever has,it moves with lightning speed as it rips the Northern Territory apart.

What just a few hours ago was just an annoying little

Is now a national emergency.

 

As the cracks races north it hits the largest rock in the world the mammoth Uluru and it collapses into a pile of stone and dust.

And the wetlands of Kakadu National Park drain down into the abyss.

The crack is also ripping and tearing as it races south completely cutting off remote communities and small towns.

And because this disaster is happening way out beyond the black stump.

Most Australians aren’t even aware that a national crisis is afoot until they wake up and turn on the good morning news.

 

They watch as the crack explodes north toward Darwin and south to the great australian bite.

Helicopters fly over the over the crack sending back vision that sends a whole country into mourning.

Is Australia about to be torn in half?

 

In Canberra,the capitol of Australia,the prime minister is in crisis talks with his ministers about this latest disaster to hit the country.

And after an hour of discussion he orders the military to be mobilised.

If this crack isn’t stopped in its tracks Australia will be split in two.

 

In South Australia the crack is heading straight towards cockapiddy a small town on the nullabor plain.

While up north the crack is closing in fast on Tennant Creek.

Will these and other communities survive the crack?

 

A nation holds its breath.

 

The commander of the military General Roger B Highpants knows that he hasn’t got much time.

So he hitches up his trousers and gives the command ‘Take that crack down’

And after a day of bombardment the crack is obliterated and Australia is saved in the nick of time.

 

Not one Australian went to work that day they all gathered around their esky’s and BBQ’s.

And watched as the brave men and women of the armed forces bombed the shit out of that crack.

The slate has been wiped clean.

 

Live in Australia and in particular the small towns in the outback has returned to normal.

The crack is longer a immediate threat to the people of the nation.

But you can be reassured that everyone is on the lookout for another outback crack attack.

 

THE END.

Whole Lot Of Trouble

16 Saturday Dec 2017

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This is a story about a mischievous Kitten who is more than a handful.

 

It is just before midnight and under an old abandoned house a mother cat is about to give birth.

She has built a sheltered area behind a rusty hot water tank the perfect place to deliver her kittens.

 

This is her fifth litter and she is struggling to breathe,her heart is racing and her blood pressure is rising.

If she doesn’t give birth soon she might not survive the ordeal.

In desperation she gives a massive push and delivers nine healthy kittens.

 

But a tiny male kitten is just hanging on to life.

He is the runt of the litter and soon he is pushed aside by his brothers and sisters so he isn’t getting the nourishment he needs.

And when he finally latches onto a teat all he gets is a few lousy drops.

 

He falls asleep not knowing that he  is in mortal danger.

If he doesn’t get a decent suckle soon he wont survive more than a day or two.

But he sleeps his little tail wags as he dreams that he is the biggest baddest cat in the neighbourhood.

The meanest tom in town.

 

When he wakes he fights his siblings in a final effort to suckle his mothers milk and he is the first kitten that morning to latch onto a teat.

And over the following days and weeks his strength and stamina improve he is no longer the runt of the litter.

In fact he has become downright bossy and demanding constantly fighting for milk and attention.

 

The mother cat has noticed the kitten fighting and not wanting to get along with her other kittens.

She puts up with it until the bossy kitten has put on weight and is ready to face the world and regretfully she has come to a decision.

She picks up the kitten by the scruff of the neck and carries him outside and puts him down by the back fence.

Then she licks him goodbye and trots back to her other kittens.

 

The kitten watches as his mother until she is no longer in view.

Now for the first time in his short life he is completely alone in the big bad world.

He curls up into a little ball to make himself invisible to predators and cries and whines in his loneliness.

 

Nine year old Billy Faulkner is on his way home from school when he hears a strange noise coming from the long grass nearby.

He has a look and discovers a little kitten looking sad and forlorn crying for it’s mother.

Without a second thought he picks up the furball and puts it in his backpack and walks home.

Hopefully his mommy will let him keep the kitten.

 

Arriving home Billy says hello to his mommy who is in the kitchen preparing his favourite snack chocolate chip cookies and a big glass of milk.

Billy normally would talk to his mommy about his day at school but today is different.

So he tells his mommy he has a lot of homework to do so he takes his snack and backpack into his room.

 

In his room Billy feeds the kitten crumbs of cookies and lets it slurp milk straight from the glass.

Than for twenty minutes or so Billy and his new kitten pay and tumble around on his bed.

But because the kitten hasn’t been weaned yet he cant digest the cookies properly and soon smelly stuff is coming out of both ends.

 

Billy starts to cry because his mommy will surely give him a spanking when she finds the dirty sheets and wont let him keep his kitten.

So he keeps quite at dinner and pretends that all is well as he chats about school and the new friends that he has made.

But he doesn’t mention the kitten now isn’t the right time he will tell her first thing in the morning.

 

After watching television for a few hours together Billy’s mom kiss’es him goodnight and tells him that it is time for bed.

Billy says ‘goodnight mommy’ and goes to his bedroom where he waits for an hour to make sure that his mommy is asleep.

Than he drags the dirty sheets into the laundry.

 

Billy has never used the washing machine before ,but how hard can it be?

He picks up the box of detergent wondering how many scoops to add when the kitten jumps onto the machine.

‘No kitty get down you have caused enough trouble already’ but the kitten is in a playful mood and nudges the box of soap.’No kitty no’ but Billy cant stop what happens next he can only watch as the contents of the box fall into the washing machine.

‘Oh well’ Billy thinks,at least the sheets will be nice and clean.

 

Billy and the kitten go back into his room waiting for the machine to complete it’s cycle.

They play for a while until Billy starts to yawn and the kitten follows suite and falls asleep.

Billy reads a comic book as the kitten sleeps on his chest ‘Jesus how long does it take for a wash to finish?One more chapter and i will go check’

 

But Billy doesn’t get to the end of the chapter he falls asleep and he and the kitten are soon snoring in unison.

With both of them dreaming pleasant thoughts.

 

Billy is awoken in the morning by an almighty shriek.

He sits up in his bed ‘God it sounds like mommy is having a cow.’

‘Maybe she has seen a mouse or a spider’ But when he enters the hallway he is confronted by a wall of suds.’Holy shit what have i done?

Through the bubbles he can see mommy slipping and sliding down the floorboards.

He tries not to smile but he can’t help himself.,but the smile soon vanishes’Billy what in the fuck have you done?’

 

Billy can’t believe what he is hearing his mommy has never said the F word before’OK mister start talking and make it quick’

Billy tries to get the words out but they are stuck in his throat so he takes a deep breath and starts again’Sorry mommy but i found a little kitten yesterday so i brought him home to look after it.but i fed it too many cookies and it spewed all over my sheets’

‘So i put the sheets in the washing machine but i must of used too much detergent’

He smiles like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth hoping that mommy will see the funny side.

 

But before his mommy can say a word the kitten in question strolls into the room like it owns the place.

Purring and meowing for attention.

Billy bends down and picks up his new best fiend knowing that he is still in trouble.

‘Please mommy can i keep him?He want get in the way,please can he stay?’

 

When she see’s that her son is on the verge of tears her heart softens ‘Alright Billy the kitten can stay,but you will have to look after it and keep it out of my way’

So mother and son go shopping for everything that a kitten would need.

Cat food,flea collar,food and water bowls and a litter tray.

 

But right a way there is trouble.

The kitten refuses to use the litter tray,instead it chooses to leave little piles all over the house.

It scratches the stuffing out of all of the furniture and sheds hair everywhere.

 

Billy is continually running behind the kitten picking up all of the little parcels.

But he is losing the battle and soon the house smells like a cats toilet.

‘God who knew that owning a kitten would be so much trouble?’

 

That night Billy forgot to close his bedroom door and the kitten takes the opportunity to go for a midnight stroll.

He wanders up the stairs and straight into Billy’s mommy’s room.

The smell of female hormones and the comforting beat of a heart has caught his attention.

So he jumps up and snuggles on those twin peaks.

 

Then he changes position until he is sitting on her face.

And soon she wakes up struggling to breathe,she is being smothered to death by something warm and furry.

She takes a hold of the obstruction and throws it across the room where the kitten lands and takes off like a bat out of hell.

 

Billy’s mom opens her eyes in time to see the kitten race out of her room.

She smiles to herself but at the same time she knows that this kitten is going to be a whole lot of trouble.

 

Part two of this story is coming soon so come back and feed your need to read.

Hell Dorado ( Part Two )

02 Saturday Dec 2017

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In part one of this story I introduced you to Daniel Carruthers a mild mannered archivist who has worked at the national library in London for over twenty years.

But Daniel was bored out of his mind there must be more to life than working as a civil servant.

He needed something to spice up his life.

 

And as luck would have it one day as he was sorting through a box of old books and letters.

He came across a journal that belonged to the famous explorer Sir Walter Raleigh.

As Daniel read the journal the came across that chapter that mentions el dorado and a map of it’s possible location.

Already the lust for gold has infected Daniel’s brain.

 

He quit his job and flew to Colombia where he met a local named Miquel who became his business partner.

Together they led an expedition of a dozen guides on the quest for el dorado where they travelled through the jungle looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

 

After two weeks of searching and finding nothing the group camp on the edge of a raging river to contemplate their next move.

The guides threaten to turn back if they aren’t paid immediately and soon an argument brakes out and Miquel is shot and killed.

Daniel and one of the Guido wrestle over the journal and fall into the swirling water below.

Taking the journal with them.

 

Part Two.

When Daniel and Guido hit the water they are immediately swept downstream where they tumble around like ragdolls scraping their bodies on some sharp rocks.

They both shoot to the surface bloodied and bruised but still alive Daniel is clutching the journal to his chest.

And miraculously it is still bone dry.

 

The remaining guides follow the two downstream in a couple of rusty old land rovers than one of them points ahead to a massive waterfall.

If they can get to the bottom of the falls before the two doomed men then they can get their hands on the journal and become rich beyond their wildest dreams.

 

Daniel and Guido are both struggling to stay alive when they both go over the edge to an almost certain death.

 

Beneath the falls the guides watch as Daniel and Guido go over the edge it is fifty metres down to a lagoon below.

There is no way that anyone could survive that fall.

 

As he goes to his death Daniel knows that he was a fool to travel halfway across the world seeking his fortune in gold.

El dorado has become hell dorado.

He closes his eyes says goodbye to his family and friends and waits for the inevitable.

 

All the way down he clutches the journal that has brought him nothing but pain and sorrow.

He wants to throw the journal into the water but for some reason he just can’t let go.

Than a hand grabs hold of Daniel’s left ankle and he and Guido are pulled into the waterfall.

 

On the shoreline the guides watch in disbelief as the two men disappear from view.

One second they were falling to their death than they just vanish into thin air.

They wait for an hour and still no bodies appear so they decide to hang around until they can get their hands on the journal.

 

When Daniel comes to his senses he realises that it wasn’t a hand  that saved him and Guido from a certain death it was a tentacle.

And that tentacle is attached to a giant octopus.

 

The octopus is at least thirty feet in length with tentacles the same length again and it holds Daniel and Guido in a death grip.

Guido is slowly losing his mind as the octopus squeezes even harder ‘Listen here you motherfucker if you don’t put me down right now I will turn you into a big pile of calamari and shit you out tomorrow’

The octopus swings Guido down and holds him under you water to knock the fight out of him.

Than the octopus brings the tentacle holding a stunned Guido to its beak and Guido is eaten alive.

 

Daniel is shaking with fright as he hears Guido’s bones snap as he becomes a part of the food chain.

The octopus swings Daniel towards it’s mouth and Daniel knows that there is no escape this time,he is about to become dessert and there is nothing he can do about it.

But than the octopus brings Daniel up to eye level where they stare at each other.

Daniel looks deep into the big black orb and prays for a quick death an end to this foolish adventure.

But the octopus has other ideas because he lowers Daniel to the ground and disappears beneath the murky depths.

 

Daniel can’t believe his luck as he watches the beast dive to digest his meal

He turns away and for the for time he has a chance to take in his surroundings and he can’t quite believe what he is seeing.

The sky is crimson and the trees are a vivid orange and overhead shines a huge blue moon

He looks at the journal to get his bearings and slowly makes his way toward a distant snow capped mountain’

Hopefully he will find the famous lake guatavita and discover the gold f el dorado.

 

As Daniel walks he studies the journal and he even starts to whistle he has a good feeling about this place.

Than from behind him he hears the sound of approaching hooves.And when he looks back he is astonished to see a white unicorn trotting toward him.

 

When the unicorn gets level with Daniel it stops and squats to the ground.’Are you going to stand there gawking or are you going to jump aboard so we can be on our way?’

Daniel mounts the talking unicorn and commands’Take me to el dorado’

The unicorn winks at Daniel and trots off toward the distant mountain.

 

Daniel hangs on to the unicorn’s mane as it gallops along a rocky path and than without even a ‘hang on’ the unicorn unfolds its wings and takes to the sky.

Daniel says a few words that his mother wouldn’t like and hangs on for grim death as the unicorn weaves  between the clouds on the way to el dorado.

 

After a few hours the pair reach the mountain and the unicorn flies lower and lower trying to find a good place to land.

Than a lake comes into view and the unicorn glides down and performs a perfect landing on the shoreline.

Daniel dismounts glad to be back on terra firma again.

 

Meanwhile the unicorn has wandered off to eat some orange leaves and pink grass.

Than it lifts its tail and deposits a pile of golden manure on the ground.

‘Holy crap’Daniel can’t believe his eyes as he stares down at the golden mound.

There is gold everywhere.

 

Daniel sits on he edge of the lake dangling his feet in the cold water when a figure appears in the middle of the lake guatavita.

Daniel stares in wonder at the man and righty assumes that this is non other than the legendary King El Rey Dorado.

The king stands seven feet tall and his body is covered in gold dust while his head is adorned with peacock feathers.

 

King El Rey Dorado raises both arms in the air and prays to the heavens than he reaches into a pouch on his waist and throws nuggets of gold into the lake to appease the gods.

And to bring good fortune to his people.

 

The king calls out to the unicorn who trots over to his master and after getting reacquainted

The king climbs onto the unicorn and the pair soon disappear around a bend.

Not once had the king even acknowledged Daniel’s presence.

 

When he is alone Daniel runs around like a madman scooping up as many nuggets as he can.

He fills all of his pockets and a backpack with the ill gotten gains and struggles to stay upright.

Now that he has proof of el dorado’s existence he will be able to convince the guides to come back and help him plunder the land until there is nothing left but dirt and dust.

 

Than it finally dawns on Daniel that he is lost and alone in a strange land but he is now very very rich what can be better than that?

He looks around at the magnificent lake and mountain than he sets course back toward the waterfall.

But he struggles under the weight of the gold.

 

He is having a rest on the side of the road when a dodo bird walks up to him ‘Need a ride?

Nothing about this land surprises Daniel anymore so he climbs onto the back of the dodo and tells it to head to the waterfall ‘Fly as fast as you can’

The dodo look back at Daniel with disdain ‘I am a dodo bird I do not fly but I can walk at a brisk pace’

Daniel nods his head and the dodo walks off toward the waterfall.

But it soon starts to tire.

 

‘You are too heavy please lose the excess weight  or I will have to leave you here’

Daniel isn’t about to leave any gold behind so he dismounts the dodo who quickly waddles away.

 

Daniel is now stranded many miles and hours of travel time from the waterfall and there is no way he can walk that far carrying all the gold.

He doesn’t want to jettison any gold but now he mightn’t have any choice.

Than he remembers the journal in his backpack he pulls it out hoping against hope that the journal will somehow come to the rescue.

 

He lays the journal on the ground and opens it to a page where a crude map has been drawn by Sir Walter Raleigh.

As Daniel looks at the map it stirs and comes to life he watches as the river starts to run the mist shrouds the mountain and in the corner of the map way in the distance comes the sound of the waterfall.

 

Than the journal opens up and spreads out in the shape of a magic carpet than it hovers up to level with Daniels knees.

‘Well fuck me sideways Daniel whispers in awe ‘A freaking magic carpet’ He crawls into the middle of the journal.

And without a sound it glides toward the distant waterfall and home.

 

As the magic carpet makes toward freedom Daniel laughs with glee and waves his arms around in the breeze.

He is feeling a lot like Ali Baba but without the turban and the forty thieves.

And that gets Daniel thinking and he decides that he want return to plunder this beautiful land he will leave el dorado in peace.

 

As Daniel was daydreaming he has failed to notice that the magic carpet is closing in fast on the waterfall. Too fast in fact.

Daniel screams a warning to the journal but it takes no notice as it races full steam ahead.

But at least the octopus is nowhere in sight.

 

But Daniel has spoken to soon because just than the octopus rears its ugly head.

Daniel know if the octopus will be in a forgiving mood this time so he screams at the journal to give it all it has and the journal wraps itself around Daniel and takes off faster than a speeding bullet.

 

The journal with Daniel wraps all snug inside enters the beak of the octopus through the stomach past the bowel and intestines.

Then it explodes out of the bung hole like a runaway torpedo.

 

The journal crashes through the waterfall and lands with a splash in the lagoon on the other side.

Then the journal unfolds again and it floats to where the guides have been patiently waiting.

‘Well well well what do we have here one of the guides says as he pulls Daniel to his feet.

Then he notices the bulge in Daniel pockets ‘What’s in your pockets asshole?’

Daniel hangs his head he knows he cant beat all of the guides so he empties his pockets and one hundred gold nuggets tumble to the ground.

 

Except there isn’t any nuggets at Daniel’s feet all there are is one hundred pieces of coal.

Daniel laughs out loud’Oh well easy come easy go’

‘Sorry fellas but there is no el dorado the journal was a fake there is no gold it was a fools errand’

The guides are dumbstruck and offer no reply.

 

Daniel walks toward the land rovers but looks back just in time to see the journal floating back underneath the waterfall.

El dorado is safe.

For now.

 

 

THE END