Monthly Archives: March 2018

An Aussie Abroad ( BC )

24 Saturday Mar 2018

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I know that what i am about to do is a bad idea,but i do it anyway.

A friend of mine suggested that we grab a slab of beer and then test drive one of those segway contraotions.

The beer part sounds good but the segway bit has my knees a knocking.

You see i have no balance at all and can barely walk in a straight line now i am supposed to ride a segway.

I broke my arm riding a skateboard when i was a kid so i am not exactly thrilled with my friends idea but for a few beers i am up for the challenge.

But i also think that i should ring 000 and tell them to have an ambulance on standby.

By the way my name is Shaun Browne and i am 32 years old australian with brown hair and a full beard.

I like to have a few drinks at the pub with my mates after work and tell the odd tall story or two.

But this is going beyond a joke how am i supposed to ride a segway and somehow stay alive?

My mate Stephen Johnson has been in my ear for weeks with this segway crap.

He knows that i like to have my feet planted firmly on the ground

But a person can only take so much so we shake hands and agree to meet in the woolies car park at 8 pm.

I get there early and sink a few more beers and smoke a tasty bud working up some courage.

Stephen arrives and suggests that we have a bet to mark the occasion and after a bit of arguing we agree that the whoever rides the segway the longest without falling off will be declared the winner.

While the loser will have to run naked around the car park.

And no one needs to see my wobbly bits so that gives me a big incentive to win this bet.

Stephen tosses a coin to see who will go first i call heads and tails it is so i am not off to a good start.

I say a silent prayer and mount the segway and power up.

At this time of night in bundy the car park is almost empty with only a few scragglers doing some last minute shopping.

I hit the gas and take off real slow Stephen yells out ‘Come on Shaun get your finger out are you a man or a fucking mouse?’

Well i give a squeak and stroke my whiskers as i turn around and give him the finger.

Which was a huge mistake because i lost my centre of gravity and almost fell off.

Then a trolley boy decides to push his load right in my path ‘Shit’ I power up to avoid him and thought i had avoided a collision but one of the wheels must have hit the front trolley and i am airborne

But after performing a 360 with a half pike i land with style.

Stephen is jumping up and down waving his arms around like a madman and i wave back in triumph and give him a bow.

Then i hear the trolley boy scream in terror ‘Hey mister watch out’ I turn but have no time to react before i get flattened and smashed by a truck leaving the supermarket.

My last thought on earth was whether i will wind up in heaven or down in hell and i am pretty sure that i will soon be shaking hands with the devil.

Next thing i know i am floating on a fluffy cloud heading toward the biggest pair of gates that i have ever seen.

Then a figure appears and introduces himself ‘Hello Shaun my name is Saint Peter and i am the man in charge up here in heaven.But at the moment we are full so you might have a bit of a wait’

I am amazed that i made it up here and look over to those huge pearly gates in wonder’That is OK  Saint Peter i am a patient man take your time i can wait for years and years’

Saint Peter points over to a bench just near the gates and tells me to take a seat and wait until my name is called.

So i stroll over and make myself comfortable and wait.

I find myself walking along gravel path that winds its way through a brooding dark forest.

I immediately think of little red riding hood and the wicked witch and when i come to a bend in the path i am half expecting the big bad wolf to be lurking there.

But all i see is a big sign saying ‘Welcome To The Garden Of Eden’.

I walk into the garden and am surrounded by a grove of apple trees and as i go to pick a piece a voice pipes up behind me ‘ I wouldn’t do that if i was you,that fruit is forbidden’

I turn around to see a completely naked man standing there and he is well hung like a cashew.

I know that i shouldn’t really say anything but i point at the offending member ‘That thing should be covered at all times,use a fig leaf or something’

‘Adam where are thee? A young lady walks up to us ‘Hello Eve give us a kiss’

As Adam and Eve stand there holding hands i can’t help himself and i give Eve the once over.

But then i remember my loving fiance Anastasia and quickly avert my gaze.

Soon Adam and Eve are horizontal and really going for it

I reach into my pocket for my mobile phone so that i can record the action but don’t get the chance because Adam has finished already.

A serpent hands Eve an apple and she takes a bite of the forbidden fruit and well you know the rest.

I leave Adam and Eve as they smoke a cigarette and share a block of cadburys.

I keep walking along the path wondering what will happen next  when my beard starts to itch and tingle.

I scratch and scratch and a shitload of hair falls to the ground and i watch in amazement as my hair follicles start to form words

Head in a westerly direction until you reach the base of mount sinai  a well known local is about to make a big annoucement’

Well i have nothing better to do at the minute so i get my bearings and head west.

As i walk my beard is still annoying me as it tingles full of static

I know one thing that it isn’t full of and that is food crumbs.I havent

eaten anything since starting since crazy adventure and i would do anything for a pie and sauce.

And i would kill for some chips with gravy and a couple of pints.

As i get closer to my destination my salivary glands are working overtime.

Hopefully there will be a food van in the car park.

A kebab a works burger maybe even a custard tart,i haven’t had one of those in years.

Even a fucking frozen sausage roll

Just give me some food.

But when i arrive at the base of the mountain there isn’t a food van in sight there isn’t even a car park. ‘Where do they park they park their chariots?’

I walk towards the summit where i come across an old man with crazy hair.

This must be Moses.

Hi Moses i am Shaun,so what is the big announcement? ‘Well my son i plan to climb to the top of this mountain and then i will part the red sea’

I have another look at Moses and he reminds me of Albert Einstein having another bad hair day ‘Ah no offence Moses but it looks to me that you having trouble parting your hair let alone trying to part a sea’

Moses doesn’t seem to be discouraged by my words and starts to climb towards the summit.

When we arrive Moses raises his arms to the sky and starts to yabber in one of those foreign languages latin or hebrew i think.

And to my amazement the red sea begins to part with waves 100 feet or more filling the landscape.

Rolling and tumbling they form the perfect tube.

‘Jesus Christ on a fucking stick look at the size of those waves’ I realise that what i said might not be appropriate in my present company ‘Sorry Moses just a slip of the tongue’

Hey Moses can you should come home with me and part my local break,it would be a huge hit with the nippers’

But Moses isn’t listening he is bending down searching for something in the grass and after a few seconds he lifts up two huge stone thingymebobs.

What you got there Moses? Well my son these two tablets are inscribed with the ten commandments’

‘Tablets? you say Moses what sort have you got?’

Just then my beard starts to tingle and itch real bad.

I scratch and scratch and i realise that i am over this travelling adventure stuff now all i want to do is go back to the pearly gates and wait my turn.

But i cant resist looking down to see what words are written in the sand ‘Look for a cave just east of Jerusalem there you will meet your maker.Find the cave and you will be a chosen one’

I sigh as i read the words and my stomach reminds me that is it empty.

OK one last trip then i am out of here.

So i head off toward Jerusalem  with my stomach still screaming and after a couple of hours i am at my wits end.

Then from the corner of my eye i sense some movement and as i look over i see a huge boulder being pushed aside.

And a robed figure steps out from the opening of a cave.

Congratulations Shaun you are you only person to witness my resurrection please come to me my son’

I look at the somewhat familiar figure and i know that i have seen this bloke before and then it dawns on me ‘Jesus Jesus is that really you?

‘Yes Shaun i am Jesus of Nazareth the son of God the creator of all beings’

‘Jesus Jesus i cant believe that i am actually talking to you but can i ask you for a big favour?’

‘Maybe you can perform one of your miracles and whip up some tucker because you see Jesus i haven’t eaten in such a long time’

‘What would you like my son? My speciality is forty loaves and forty fish plus i also can turn water into wine’

‘Jesus Jesus there is no need to go to so much trouble just one loaf  and a snapper will surely hit the spot’

than Jesus surprises me when he replies in an aussie accent ‘No worries Shaun,i will prepare a meal of Barramundi and piping hot damper’

‘Cool Jesus you haven’t by any chance got a esky full of tooheys new nearby?’

‘Sorry my son i can turn water into wine but not into bottled beer’

No worries JC  just thought i would ask’

‘Jesus does his thing and before i know it i am chowing down on fresh damper and barra.

I dig in with enthusiasm and swallow every bite with zeal

‘Great meal Jesus you should open your own restaurant’

Jesus doesn’t reply he just bows his head in prayer and soon i am praying along with him.

Then i remember the voice telling me that if i found the cave i would become a chosen one.

I raise my head to see Jesus looking at me ‘Don’t worry my son i have some special plans for you.

My mind goes into free fall,what does Jesus mean?

I have met Saint Peter plus there is a Saint Paul a Saint Luke and plenty of other saints so why not a Saint Shaun?

‘Shaun Shaun Shaun wake up you have to go to work’

‘God what now i was just about to be canonised and was having a great time with Jesus.

I feel someone shaking me and i open my eyes to see Anna leaning over me ‘Shaun if you don’t get out of bed i will kick your arse all the way to Brisbane.

So it is no Saint Shaun for me but it is good to be home with the love of my life.

Thanks for taking the time to read one of my stories and i would appreciate it if you could make a donation so that i could realize my dream of becoming a fulltime writer. Thanks again Steven.

THE END

A Tree And Me

03 Saturday Mar 2018

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The following is a story about a tree that has a lot more bite than bark.

I have just turned ten years of age and my life is about to change forever.

My parents have sold the our house in Glendale Los Angeles because we are all the way over to the west coast.

To a place called Providence Rhode Island.

I don’t like the idea of leaving all of my friends behind but what can i do? I am just a kid

A month later after a very long boring flight to the other side of the country we finally arrive at the airport.

Than a cab takes us to our new home in Providence

And as my father pays the cab fare i get my first look at my new house

It is a big two storey brick place with a good sized front yard

As i check out the house my eyes are drawn to a huge tree near the front porch

‘Nathaniel don’t just stand there gawking help your father with the bags’ That was my mom,Jean,and yes my name is Nathaniel and no you may not call me Nate’

I watch the taxi as it drives away and a part of me wants to chase it and go back to California but my mom grabs my hand and we walk towards the front door to start our new life.

But before we walk over the threshold my eyes once more look over to that big old tree.

There is something about that tree that i can’t put my finger on,it is just a tree but it makes me afraid very afraid.

But any thoughts about a creepy tree leave my mind when i walk inside my new house.

I run from from room to room like an excited puppy

Until dad tells me to go outside and wait for the removers to arrive.

Oh yeah,my dad’s name is Ben Seagar and he is the reason why we had to move east.

He taught english at a college back home but apparently he got an offer too good to refuse

So here we are in Providence Rhode Island.

As i sit on the front porch i get a feeling that i am being watched.

I take a quick look over my shoulder but there is nothing there but a branch from that tree.

I have another look and the branch is no longer there.

God my imagination is really going crazy and i tell myself to settle down and stop being stupid.

But than again that tree is over thirty metres from the house so how could a branch be so close to the house?

My mom calls out that it is time for lunch so i run back inside to grab a bite to eat

And just as we finish eating our ham and cheese sandwiches i hear the a truck driving up the driveway.

The removalist’s are here.

So we go inside and help the driver unload the truck but all i manage to do is to get in the way.

So once again i am banished to the front porch.

But i soon cheer up when i see my bed getting carried upstairs to my room at least i will be nice and comfortable tonight.

My happiness doesn’t last long because that branch begins to tap on the side of the porch.

I look at that creepy tree and the ends of the branch look a lot like human fingers.

‘Mom that tree is starting to gross me out i think it wants to eat me’

Don’t be silly Nathaniel it is just an old oak tree that was probably planted by the settlers two hundred years ago’

The following weeks fly by as i settle into my new school and i have made a few friends.

Life is good in Providence Rhode Island.

And that creepy old oak tree is almost forgotten.

Soon it is almost July when i will celebrate my 11 th birthday.

My parents tell me that they will be holding a party to mark the occasion and i can invite all my friends from school and dad will ask all our neighbours to come.

I said half jokingly’I don’t care who comes as long as they bring lots and lots of presents’

The big day arrives and mom is in the kitchen while dad is outside cleaning up the yard and he asks me to help him carry a table and some chairs under that old oak tree.

And for the first time in weeks i look at that old tree and my bone marrow freezes and my heart feels like it is going to explode ‘Dad i don’t feel so good,maybe we should cancel the party’

Dad laughs and ruffles my ruffles my hair’Don’t worry you are just nervous and as soon as your friends get here you will be as right as rain’

As usual dad is right because as soon as my friends Simon Brendan and Adam arrive we started to play and have a good time and soon all of my worries vanished  from my mind.

When it is time to eat everyone takes a seat and we all enjoy burgers and hotdogs that dd made on the BBQ.

My friends and i are wearing party hats and smiles ten miles wide and talking about baseball and all the pretty girls at school.

But i am also thinking about opening my presents and mom’s famous chocolate cake.

And sure enough the screen door slams open and mom is walking toward me carrying a huge birthday cake.

She puts it on the table lights 11 candles and tells me to make a wish.

So i close my eyes and silently wish for mom and dad to live forever and for peace on earth.

I know i should have stopped there but i have a few more wishes so i wish for lots and lots of money and good health.

But the one thing i wish the most is for that creepy old oak tree to just go away.

I want to open my presents but mom shoo’s me away so that she can clean up.

So my friends and i run around and play for an hour until we are dying of thirst.

But all we really want is more cake.

So we get some drinks from the cooler and more cake and sit around the table laughing and swearing like sailors.

Simon gets up to grab another slice of cake when he trips on a root and falls hard’Why you shit eating piece of pond scum trip me will you’ Simon yells at the tree but he is trying not to laugh.

We are also cracking up at Simon and his choice of language

Simon goes to give that tree a kick when his foot is grabbed by the root and held tight.

‘What the fuck’ Simon says as he struggles to free himself.I tell Brendan and Adam to go and get some help while i try to release Simon from the roots hold.

But as soon as i get close a root closes around my throat and starts to squeeze

Holy shit,i soon realise that i am in a lot of trouble and soon sink to my knees but then i remember the pocket knife in my jacket.

I pull it out and start to cut and hack at the root and just when i think that i am a gonna i somehow break free.

Simon is hysterical and screaming for help but than i hear a crack and look up to see a huge branch crashing down

I jump out of the way just in time but Simon isn’t so lucky and is crushed.

The adults come running outside but there is nothing that they can do.

911 is called and soon there are cops and paramedics everywhere

Mom guides me inside away from the grisly scene.

I am incoherent and can barely function.

A doctor examines me and soon i am given a sedative and drift away to sleep

When i wake mom tells me that the police are here and wants me to answer some questions about the accident.

I want to tell them that it wasn’t an accident and that my friend was murdered by the creepy tree.

But they would think that i was crazy and cart me away to the loony bin.

So i tell them that we were just playing when the branch came down and soon the police leave me alone with my feelings.

Mom soon comes to see if i am alright.

And i tell her that i am feeling better but that i have something very important to tell her.

So she sits on the edge of my bed and i start to talk’Mom it wasn’t an accident i saw the tree root reach out and grab Simon so he couldn’t get away’

The root also tried to kill me mom i am telling you it was murder’

I point out of my bedroom window where that old tree is looking all sweet and innocent’Please mom can we go back home to California?’

Mom gives me a kiss and wipes away my tears ‘Oh Nathaniel you are just distressed by your friend getting killed’

‘But i tell you what i will talk to your father about getting that tree cut down’

A few days later a truck pulls in next to the house and four men jump out.

Dad goes outside to greet them while i stay in my room and watch.

The workers remove axes chainsaws and some rope from the back of the truck and prepare to chop the killer tree down.

But first they stand around smoking and drinking coffee talking about god knows what.

They watch them jabbering for about five minutes until i cant stand it no more

I scream out my window’Hey assholes stop jerking around and get to work’

I look that tree right in the eye’Cut that fucker down and do it now’

The workers look up at me in surprise and stop there talking and get to work.

The chainsaws roar into live and one of the workers starts to cut but the machine gives out a screech and dies a death.

Hey Randy this tree is one tough mother i think it is time for the ‘beast’

The guy named Randy emerges from the truck holding what must be the biggest chainsaw in all of Rhode Island.

It is almost as big as the workers

Randy hands over the ‘beast’ and soon the sound of five Harley Davidsons fill the air.

I cover my ears as the ‘beast’ goes to work.

But soon i hear a loud snap and through a shower of sparks i see that the chain has broken and over a hundred deadly links are flying towards the house.

‘NO’ I scream but i know that it is useless.

I turn away as i hear both of my parents being ripped to shreds.

I am currently a resident of an orphanage in upstate New York

It is called an orphanage but really it is a home for lost and broken souls

I am sedated most of the time so my mind cant go back to that horrible day when i lost my mom and dad.

But through the haze i still remember.

I was told by a kind nurse in one of my more lucid moments that my parents were buried together back home in California.

I am happy that they will be with each other for eternity.

Now that i am alone in the world with no one to love and no one to love me.

I come to a decision.

I ask the kind nurse if she could drive me to the house in Providence so i can get some closure.

But mainly i want to confront that tree.

As the nurse drives she tells me all about herself and how happy she is with her life.

I am happy for her but it is time for me to enter the next world.

When she drives up the driveway i am aware of the sense of danger in the air.

And there isn’t a sound even the birds and animals know to give this place a wide berth.

Than without a word i walk toward that creepy old oak tree.

The tree opens its branches and bends down to welcome me.

I take my final breath and walk to my death.

I am engulfed and gladly go to my demise.

Now i am where i want to be

Revenge will be mine.

Thanks for taking the time to read one of my stories and now if you could make a donation so that i can realize my dream of becoming a fulltime writer. Thanks again Steven.

THE END