Deep down way beyond middle earth amid the bowels of eternity lives a very unhappy being.
He is known by many names satan lucifer Beelzebub and the demon.
But to me he is simply known as the devil.
And he is pissed off because all is not well in hell.
Down there in the ultimate dungeon it should be hotter than the biggest nuclear blast known to mankind and as dangerous as one thousand volcanoes.
But over the last few months the place has barely reached a boil.
And if the temperature drops any further than the devil might have to put on a coat and a pair of slippers.
Not a good look for the prince of darkness.
Normally the furnaces are fully stoked with the rotten souls and remains of the misguided just have drifted down from above.
But now with business being so slow maybe hell will actually freeze over.
The devil is a hard taskmaster and he rules his kingdom with an iron fist and a red hot trident and he used to oversee the burning of the bad 24/7.
Now the furnaces are only in operation for one shift a day so the devil will have to crunch the numbers and come to a decision.
But there is one thing for certain and that is that the devil wont go down without a fight.
As he sits in his office drinking a glass of black sambucca the devil can only imagine what the head honcho up in heaven is doing right now.
God is probably sitting on a fluffy cloud gloating to all that will listen.
He will be preaching to his followers telling them how good will always prosper over evil.
And how the world would be a better place with prayer and compassion and all that mamby pamby stuff.
The devil is steaming even though the temperature is barely lukewarm and his face is a nasty shade of red it is almost purple.
He picks up his trident and waves it toward heaven with menace ‘Listen up Mr God and listen good because if I find out that you or any of your apostles have had anything to do with my current situation then you will feel my fury’
‘I will attack with fire and brimstone the like that you and your human friends have never seen before’
Up in heaven god is enjoying his day helping saint peter fix the pearly gates.
Business has been so good lately so they have really been taking a pounding.
God is trying to hold the gate steady so peter can do the repairs when a voice enters his mind.it is coming from that evil little fucker down in the basement.
He strokes his beard as he listens patiently before replying ‘Dear Mr Devil ,God here how have you been?’
‘I have been hearing on the grapevine that you have been having a little trouble down there’
‘And let me tell you right now that I have had nothing to do with your predicament perhaps if you were a better being instead of an egotisical asshole then maybe your fires would still be burning at full capacity’
‘So don’t you dare blame me because your kingdom has been reduced to embers so shut the fuck up and quit your bitching’
The devil is soaking in his not so hot tub as he listens to his nemesis deliver his sermon.
He has polished off the bottle of sambucca but it hasn’t improved his mood one iota.
And as soon as god stops talking the devil realises that he has placed the blame on the wrong reason.
He fires up his laptop and starts to engage with the incredible Mr Goggle and after an hour of research the devil has his answers.
Over the last decade or so modern medicine and new technologies has increased the lifespan of the human fuel significantly so the devil will have to find a way to reverse the trend or he will be out of a job.
Maybe the black plague could make a comeback or he could just become a politician.
The devil knows deep down in his rotten heart that if hell is to survive into the new millennium then he will have to take matters into his own hands.
So he packs a few belongings in an old duffel bag and prepares to leave hell for the first time in centuries.
The devil needs a shitload of bad souls and he needs them now.
The arrives on terra firma via express elevator and steps out into the sunshine.
It is hot in sin city Nevada and the devil fits right in and immediately hones in on a few low lives and sends them on the road to hades.
But the devil knows that a few blackened hearts want do much to keep his fires burning.
He will need to kill on a much larger scale.
Up in heaven God is standing by the pearly gates welcoming a busload of new arrivals.
Business has never been as good and he is rushed off his feet.
Then he is handed a note by saint peter and it isn’t good news ‘The devil is on the move last seen in Las Vegas’
God peers down through the clouds and it doesn’t take him long to pin point the devil.
He might have taken on a human form but God would recognise that evil fucker anywhere.
He will need to be watched around the clock and if worse comes to worse he will send Jesus down to walk among his people.
Because God knows that although most people are good and decent a lot of them are easily led astray by an evil thought or their drug of choice.
As he wanders the earth the devil causes chaos wherever he goes.
In Africa he declares a twenty year drought while over in India and Bangladesh he raises the water level causing massive floods that put billions of lives at risk.
In North America the devil reignites the racial tension and soon the streets from New York over to California and down to Florida explode.
The devil is aware that most Americans possess a firearm so he leaves confident that the population will take care of the rest
Next stop is Asia where the devil destroys the rice crop in China Japan and in South and North Korea.
The earth has been knocked off its axis and the devil couldn’t be happier.
He knows that soon the have and the have nots will begin to fight the world over so he leaves for home satisfied with a job well done.
Up in heaven God can’t believe what he is seeing.
The devil has caused war hunger and disease the world over and God knows that if he doesn’t step in billions of lives will be in peril.
So he summons his son Jesus for a summit meeting.
Jesus arrives on a white horse with his robes flowing behind like angel wings and he enters the situation room where he is greeted by his father ‘Welcome my son thank you coming quick because the devil has been on a world tour and has caused more damage than even Black Sabbath could manage so I need you to return to earth and calm the waters and bring peace and tranquillity back to the land’
‘God dad you aren’t asking for much ,you do know that there will never be peace on earth as long as human beings rule the planet?
‘Yes I know my son but we stand for goodness and the truth while the devil preaches badness and sin so I need you to go down there and walk with the people and show them that right will always defeat wrong ,can you do that for me?’
‘Sure thing father I am on my way’
Meanwhile down in hell the devil has returned to a hero’s welcome.
The furnaces are back burning 24/7 and hell is once again hotter than a dragons breath.
Since returning home two weeks ago he has been on a bender celebrating his success on bringing earth to its knees.
Now he is soaking in his hot tub nursing a hangover while watching his big ass TV.
It is almost 6 pm and the devil likes to watch the news on CNB to keep up with current events.
‘Good evening my name is Tabitha Talking Head welcome to CNB and tonight I bring you good news’
‘Earth is slowly coming back to its senses ,rain is falling over Africa while the floods in India and Bangladesh have receded and in more good news the rice crop in Asia has grown back in record time’
‘While the cities and towns all over America have returned to an uneasy peace there is still tension in the air but the shootings and murders has returned to the normal 1000 a day’
‘But viewers I have even better news for you because a mysterious figure in a white robe has been spotted all on every continent the world over’
‘People are saying that the earth is witnessing the second coming of Christ’
‘Meanwhile here is Bouncey Beach Ball with all the sport’
‘What what what’ the devil can’t quite get a grasp on what he is hearing and he jumps out of the hot tub so fast he trips over his tail almost impaling himself on his trident.
‘OK God so you want to play hardball ,well I can play hard with the best of them so listen up God and listen good. You and your meddling son Jesus can go and beep beep beep beep beep’
Sorry I had to beep out that last bit, there is no need for swearing and I want listen to it .
Well the men in white hats have won round one.
Will the devil calm down enough to win round two?
Well if you want to find out the answer to that question you will have to come back and read Part Two of this story so keep an eye out.