Just a short sleigh ride NE of Greenland lives a rotund old man.
He always wears a red suit and a black belt with a shiny gold buckle.
And there is only one person on earth who fits that description and that is Santa Claus of course.
It is 8th December and Santa is in the bathroom of his chalet trimming his grey beard so he looks his best for the coming Christmas season.
Then after the trim he steps onto the bathroom scales and almost dies with fright.
Santa knows that the children all over the world expect him to be jolly and a bit chubby.
But if he suddenly dies from a heart attack just before Christmas who will deliver the presents to the children.?
So Santa decides that the time is right for him to seek legal advice and maybe add a few clauses to his contract.
Santa doesn’t mean to offend anyone with his legal action but if he continues to consume one thousand litres of full cream milk and a million cookies on an annual basis then he might just burst at the seams.
So people please resist the urge to leave an unhealthy snack out for Santa on Christmas eve.
Because if you continue to leave junk food then Santa will be too heavy to ride in the back of the sleigh.
Plus it would put extra strain on the already overworked reindeer.
Clause # 1
If you must leave a snack for Santa please a glass of skim milk and a rice cracker or two will suffice.
Better still kindly just leave Santa a thank you note.
And by all means continue to leave some carrots for Rudolph and his friends because they are much appreciated.
Santa has also asked me to inform his loyal customers the world over to install wider chimneys.
Because as the old saying goes ‘You cant fit a round peg in a square hole’ ( or is it the other way around?) Because as we all know from the before mentioned Clause # 1 Santa is concerned about his weight.
So please install wider chimneys so Santa can deliver the presents in a timely manner.
And please keep your chimneys clean because Santa doesn’t want to come out looking like a coal miner.
Clause # 2
Install a chimney with minimum dimensions of 60cm x 30 cm or otherwise Santa might have to leave your presents in your front yard or in the worst scenario leave no presents at all.
PS Santa realises that this Christmas season is almost upon us so chimneys installed for the 2019 season will suffice.
The following clause will have to be strictly adhered to because if it isn’t then Santa will contemplate going on strike.
Santa wants to know why he is based at the North Pole for 12 months of the year?
Because people it is fucking up in the artic circle and Santa is afraid the his nuts will drop off and roll away never to be seen again.
Surely he could live in sunny Acapulco or Fiji for 11 months of the year?
It would give his plums a chance to thaw out plus give him time alone with Mrs Claws ( sorry Claus ) without putting up with the cold weather and listening to the elves shenenigans.
So once again I stress that if Santa doesn’t get a tan and some action this year then strike action could really be a reality.
Clause # 3
Santa requires a benefactor to supply him with rent free accommodation in a sunny location and in exchange Santa promises to deliver your presents no matter the width of your chimney.
Plus if it takes your fancy you can leave out a frosty long neck of beer and a huge slice of chocolate cake.
The last clause concerns the antics and temperament of Rudolph the reindeer.
Sure he might have a shiny red nose and can pull a sleigh like a draught horse
But lately Rudolph has been getting a little to big for his hooves.
Santa needs his reindeer to work as a team and he really hasn’t got the time to deal with a prima donna sleigh puller who demands all he attention.
And please don’t tell Santa that I am telling you this but I think that he might be just a little jealous of Rudolph and his quest for top billing.
Next thing you know he will be wanting a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.
Santa receives millions of letters every year from children telling Santa what presents they want for Christmas and now a lot of them are asking about the welfare of Rudolph and his freaking red nose.
And it is really starting to annoy the fat man in the red suit.
He is Santa the rider of the sleigh and he doesn’t like to share the spotlight.
Not one little bit.
So if Rudolph doesn’t pull his head in then he will be replaced by Vixen or Prancer.
Or better yet get carved up and turned into some tasty choice cuts or a delectable rack of venison.
Rudolph needs to be a team player once again and keep his ego in check.
Because if he doesn’t and Vixen or Prancer don’t live up to expectations then Santa cant guarantee that deliveries will be made on time.
So please read the four clauses carefully because a happy Santa means more presents for you and me.
MR Joseph Walrusson esquire
1 Snowbound Lane
Middle of nowhere, Greenland