I haven’t been feeling quite like myself in the last few weeks.My stomach is bloated and i have been experiencing nights sweats plus i have a strange craving for anchovies on with ice cream.
So i am either pregnant or going through menopause but i am a 35 year old male so i can safely rule out both of these options.
After a weekend of more pain and discomfort i was glad when i woke for work on Monday morning i was feeling like my old self again even though my stomach is distended and sore.
I put on a shirt a few sizes too big ,brush my teeth and head out the door.
But as i open my car door i double over in agony and barely make it back inside.
I frantically try to call 000 but in my panic i cant find my mobile phone so i stumble into my bedroom and collapse on the bed hoping like hell that the pain will pass.
But the pain gets even more intense and i watch in atonishment as the buttons on my shirt pop and my stomach swells like a watermelon.
Than with surprisingly little pain my belly button opens and a baby of sorts enters this world.’Hello my name is Audley Creed are you my daddy?
‘Holy shit’ not only have i given birth but the little fucker can talk’Um hello Audley my name is Bernie Torrence and i suppose i am your daddy.
Audley yawns with indifference and promptly falls asleep.
As my newborn sleeps a thousand questions echo around my brain.
If i wasn’t pregnant than where in the fuck did Audley come from?
How in the hell am i supposed to look after a talking baby?
Plus how can i explain my situation to all my family and friends?
As i ponder these thoughts i am just grateful that Audley didn’t come out through my pee hole because that really would of hurt.
Audley wakes up demanding to be fed’Jesus being a new dad is hard work’
I cradle Audleys head as i carry him into the kitchen where i put a straw into a carton of milk and and put it in his gob.
He suckles greedily for a few minutes before letting loose a huge burp that shakes the rafters.
‘Daddy i know my name is Audley Creed but can you tell me where i actually come from?
I feel sorry for the little tike and i get a little emotional’Audley i wish that i could answer your question but i cant’
‘We were literally joined at the hip so until i work things out we will just have to do the best we can’
But that isn’t good enough for Audley and he continues to ask question after question.
In frustration i go to put him down on the couch and hopefully he will quieten down when i realize that he is stuck.
Audley and i are still literally joined together and whether him or i like the situation he is now permanently a part of me.
Just then my mobile rings and it is Tery Connelly my 2IC at work.
I am the manager at the local supermarket and right now i wish i was at work instead of standing here arguing with an annoying goiter.
‘Hi Terry sorry i didn’t call you but i was in a car accident this morning and i am OK just a bit shaken up but i should be back in a couple of days’
As i tell Terry a load of bullshit to keep him off my back Audley continues to argue and holler in the background.
‘Bernie i thought that you lived by yourself ?is someone with you?
What? Oh no Terry i just have the TV a little too loud’
‘I will call you tomorrow afternoon to let you know when i will be back ,bye’
I have a hand pressed over Audley’s mouth to keep him quiet and i am tempted to leave it there but when his face goes a little green i relent.
‘Listen up Audley and listen good,i am in charge of this household not you so please keep your mouth closed until you learn some manners’
For once in his short life Audley has nothing to say but i can see that he is seething.
His eyes are burning with fire and i feel his anger towards me.
At that moment i remember a movie i saw years ago called ‘Chucky’s Revenge’
It was about a creepy doll that came to life and went on a murderous rampage.
My balls tingle and my throat constricts when i realize that maybe i have my own Chucky on my hands.
There is no way that i can return to work anytime soon so i ring my area manager and tell him that i need to take some long service leave to sort out a family problem.
‘Torrence if you aren’t back at work first thing tomorrow morning don’t bother coming back at all because your services will no longer be required’
Well i don’t take to kindly to threats so i tell the arrogant prick to stick his job where the sun doesn’t shine.
So now i am unemployed with a mortgage to pay plus i am attached to an argumentative growth who thinks that he is Charles in charge.
After a few weeks of bonding and getting to know each other the tension between us lessens and we become kind of close.
But in the back of my mind i can still see the image of Chucky the killer doll .
Even though it is good to be able to sleep in every day i still have bills to pay so i need to get a new job and quick.
But as i browse the job vacancies i come to the conclusion that there isn’t a great demand for a retail manager with a built in special helper.
Then i have a light bulb moment.
Audley might not be suitable for my old profession but he is perfect to become a built in ventriloquist dummy.
All i have to do is convince Audley Creed.
‘I ain’t no dummy you arsehole so go and fuck yourself’
Oh come on Audley all you have to do is say a few words every now and then so we can make some money’
Because remember that if i don’t eat then neither do you’
Audley’s tiny head wrinkles in concentration as he ponders my statenent but when he realizes that he has little choice he reluctantly nods his head.
We practice our routine over and over for days on end until we get it down pat.
Audley is a natural comedian with what i would call a dark sense of humor.
So after a few try outs at some local pubs where me and Audley get a great reception i decide to audition for Australia’s Got Talent.
The audition goes better than i expected so i am excited to say that ‘Torrence & Creed’ will soon be appearing on national television.
I celebrate the occasion with a few friends at my favorite Italian restaurant where i enjoy a huge plate of lasagne with a glass of red.
Audley has his first taste of pasta and seems to be having a good time then the mood turns sour when he annouces’Bernie i think that our act needs a name change’
‘Torrence & Creed just doesn’t sound right i think that we should be known as ‘Audley Creed& Friend because i am obviously the star of the show’
I can’t believe what i am hearing’Why you ungrateful bag of shit,i literally brought you into this world and you have done nothing but bitch and moan ever since’
Now you have the hide to order a name change unbelievable’
If i wasn’t in a public place i probably have strangled the turd there and then.
Instead i order a shot of tequila and slam it down’Get that into you Audley you annoying little puppet’
I stumble to bed around 3 am drunk but still wide awake and i am pleased to say that Audley is looking a little green around the gills.
‘Jesus Bernie how much did you have to drink last night? i feel i shit’
Just a little mexican ju ju juice Audley and if you don’t start behaving yourself i will feed you a lot more and completely fuck you up’
Audley doesn’t reply and i notice that he has fallen asleep so i to succumb to the inevitable and close my eyes.
But i am soon awoken by a excruciating pain in my stomach.
Audley is clutching a huge knife in his grubby little hands and has used it to slice me open and separate his body from mine.
Now he stands on my chest as a ugly little monster then he slides in my blood and wraps his hands around my throat and squeezes’Thanks for everything Bernie but you have lived out your usefulness but now it is time for you to say goodbye’
I am desperately trying to break the stranglehold as the crazy as bat shit little turncoat continues to talk and squeeze the life out of me.
Luckily i manage to grasp a pair of nail clippers from the bed side table as my breath slips away.
I look into Audley Creed’s eyes as he continues to squeeze and ramble on and i know that i only have a moment before he crushes my Adam’s apple.
The clippers are slipping from my grasp but i manage to keep them in my grasp and plunge them into Audley’s right eye.
He screams in agony and curses me in every language known to mankind.
Then he scampers away leaving a trail of blood in his wake.
His blood glistens in the moonlight like a beacon and i am tempted to follow but i haven’t got the strength plus who knows what other weapons the one eyed midget might have at his disposal.
Then another thought enters my head.
Will the little fucker flee or return to finish me off?
To find out come back and read part two.
Because if you don;t then Audley Creed wont be pleased not pleased at all.