Roadkill ( Mantle Piece of Death )


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As soon as the sun disappeared below the horizon a family of raccoons scampered from the safety of their burrow on the endless search for food.

The mother raccoon keeps an eye out for predators while her two youngsters dig for worms and grubs whilst the male raccoon runs over to a nearby creek in the hope of catching a fish or two to feed his hungry brood.

After ten minutes the father raccoon grows increasingly frustrated when he fails to catch anything but then he suddenly remembers a spot downstream where he caught a huge catfish a while back.

But to get there he has to cross a gravel road , he has traversed this road on many occasions but this time the little rascal is in mortal danger.

Just as he stepped onto the road a pickup truck travelling at speed hits the tiny creature killing him instantly.

The raccoon is one of man animals that will killed on the roads across america today, roadkill on a massive scale.

58 year old Myron Oxenford has been employed at Bilford county Mississippi for just on forty years and he takes great pride in his job.

Every day except for the lords day he drives his pickup around the county scraping roadkill from the streets and depositing them to the side so other animals don’t get killed as they eat the kill.

Myron is a big man who some say resembles Kenny Rogers having a very bad day.

Today Myron is is a good mood as he picks up his keys for another day of keeping the streets of Bilford county clean and tidy and even though he probably wont admit Myron has a strange fixation for roadkill.

An hour into his shift Myron is cruising down a backwater road when he spots a dead raccoon in the middle of the road fifty yards ahead.

The raccoon is still relatively fresh and its skin is undamaged perfect for Myron’s weird hobby.

He is an amateur taxidermist and this critter will give him hours of stuffing pleasure.

At 3.30 pm Myron heads home with another collection of animals to keep him fed for weeks.

Most of them are to mangled to be stuffed and mounted except for the raccoon who looks like it could still be alive if not for a broken neck.

Myron skins the motley crew of squirrel, rattlesnake,gopher and groundhog and chops the meat into bite size pieces and throws it into a huge pot along with a few cups of broth and salt and pepper.

As he waits for his meal to cook Myron places the unfortunate raccoon’s pelt onto an armature stand and begins to stuff it with materid’s that are supposed to bring life back to dead animal but Myron’s taxidermy skills are below par so now the raccoon resembles a misshapen creature from an Edgar Allen Poe novel.

After decades of drinking over proof moonshine Myron brain has turned to mush and now he believes that if he talks to all the stuffed animals that decorate his cabin that one day they will all come back to life and run back into the woods alive and kicking.

So he always leaves a window open in case that day eventuates.

What Myron doesn’t know is that for a few months a tiny field mouse has been coming into his bedroom while he sleeps and has been drinking the pools of drool that collect on his pillow every night

Homer Simpson himself would be proud at the amount of saliva that dribbles and the mouse takes great joy in drinking the liquid and running out into the living room feeding the precious fluid into the mouths of the stuffed and mounted animals that sit on shelves and in particular the rodent feeds a bald eagle and cougar that sit on top of a mantle piece.

After indulging in a few too many jars of moonshine Myron wakes with a throbbing headache and a mouth dryer than the Saraha Desert.

So Myron drinks another jar to keep the gremlins at bay then after a shower he feels healthy enough to go about another day.

He grabs a glass of water before leaving the house but stops in his tracks and stares long and hard at the bald eagle on the mantle piece that he stuffed and mounted a few months ago.

His eyes must be playing tricks but he could have sworn that the eagle moved its wings a second ago but Myron has a laugh when he feels the breeze coming in the open window so he closes it and goes off to work.

26 year old Sally Nulksteader is out enjoying an early morning run along a back road grateful for an opportunity to get out in the sun while her husband Brett looks after their twin boys who turned one back in July.

Her track shoes hit the road hard as Sally runs around a bend but she doesn’t hear anything but the soothing sound coming from her ear bubs.

Sadly She will never touch her boys or hear their laughter ever again.

Myron is still feeling a little queasy as he drives a too fast around a sweeping bend.

His eyes widen is dread when he notices the lady running on the side of the road and he screams in horror when he feels her body under the wheels of his pickup.

‘Holy fucking shit’ Myron whispers not quite believing what has just happened.

He can still taste the alcohol on his breath and knows that he would be well and truly over the limit so he puts his foot down to flee the scene.

But than a voice whispers in his ear ‘What are you doing Myron? I prime piece of roadkill is there for the taking so go back and take it home and it will become your masterpiece’

Myron slams on his brakes reverses back and throws Sally Nulksteader’s body in the back of his pickup.

And to give himself an alibi he calls his boss and tells him that he has the flu and will spend the day in bed.

Myron spends an hour carefully removing the skin from the body of his first human display item.

He drapes the skin over an armature stand and leaves it to dry while he cuts her flesh from her bones and throws the tidbits into the pot with a few carrots and onions .

The unused meat in placed in sterilized jars and placed in his pantry where it will come in handy when the cold weather hits.

After eating his first meal of human flesh Myron grabs a jar of moonshine and goes into his room for an afternoon nap.

After waiting an hour to make sure it is safe the rejuvenated eagle swoops down from the mantle piece and begins to rip pieces of meat from the human skeleton littering the living room floor.

As the eagle eats gaining strength with every bite the cougar stays in place because it has another victim in mind.

A few hours later Myron staggers from his bedroom with the taste of human flesh still in his mouth and he is eager for another meal.

Then from its perch on the mantle piece the cougar springs down knocking Myron to the floor.

The big cat could just bite the back of its victims neck killing it instantly but the cougar wants this human to suffer so all it does in sit on the stunned man.

The eagle swoops down and using a piece of sinew it sews Myron’s mouth closed and ties his hands behind his back.

Then the raptor tears both eyeballs from their sockets and swallows them whole.

Myron writhes on the floor in agony as the raptor and cougar begin to feed.

The pair eat slowly at first but the blood soon awakens their taste buds and they get down to business ripping Myron apart eating him alive.

The amateur taxidermist screams in silent agony as the animals that he stuffed and mounted months ago finally put him out of his misery.

Now Myron Oxenford is the one who is well and truly stuffed.


Mister Transistor.


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Plop plop plop plop plop plop.’What in the fuck is that noise?’ an angry figure mutters when he is awoken from a restless slumber.

Opening a weary eye he is astounded to see what appears to be a dead man strapped to a chair in a bathroom a mere ten foot away.

The source of the sound is the victims blood dripping onto the tiles before running down the drain.

After pinching himself to make sure that he is actually awake and not dreaming the figure jumps out of bed and approaches the man careful not to step in the blood.

After checking that the man is actually deceased the figure suddenly realises that the killer could still be in the room but after a quick search he finds that he is alone in the room.

Except for the bloodied dead man strapped to a chair that is.

The figure goes over to the bathroom sink to wash the dead mans blood from his hands when he notices that his finger nails are caked with dried blood and the front of his shirt is smeared.

Plop plop plop plop plop plop.

The killer knows that he needs to get the fuck out of this place so he gathers his few belongings and walks over to the front door to see if anybody is hanging about but a tinny voice in his ear stops him in his tracks “I trust that you have taken care of business agent omega?’

‘Leave the scene immediately and don’t worry about leaving any of your DNA behind because a cleaning crew will arrive shortly and remove any evidence of you ever being in that room’

‘But remember agent omega that if you ever feel the urge to betray me or my organization the transistor that I had implanted in your skull will explode causing instant death’

‘You have done your nation a tremendous service today agent omega, General Holtsteader signing out.’

Agent omega leaves the motel room in a flurry hoping to escape from the voice in his head and to find out who he is, why he killed a man with his own hands.

As he trudges down the street trying to get his bearing he rubs his hands over his head to locate the transistor but the search proves fruitless’

Omega knows that he needs to find General Holtsteader and bring him down and have the implanted device removed.

‘Excuse me but are you alright?’

Omega stops at the sound of the voice and finds himself looking at a women around 30 years of age looking at him quizzically.

‘Sorry I am having a bit of a brain fade could you tell me exactly where I am”

‘Sure, you are on 43rd street heading toward Lincoln Plaza’

‘Um yeah but what city are we talking about?’

‘Why the windy city of course, Chicago Illinois’

Omega thanks the lady and slinks away to find somewhere to gather his thoughts and grab a bite to eat.

The lady watches her target disappear around than she follows at a safe distance because she knows what he is capable of.

It was no accident that she happened to run into Kevin Wayne Goodman killer , assassin, call him what you will but he would kill anybody if the price was right.

With a quick to make sure that no one noticed the exchange with omega Agent Irena Goblinsky sets off after the man who could either kill her in a heartbeat or help her stop a global meltdown.

Omega finds a café and takes a seat facing the door.

He orders a couple of bagels and a coffee than realises that he has no idea whether he has any money to pay for his brunch.

After a quick search of his pockets he finds $10,000 in his coat, undoubtedly supplied by the mysterious General Holtsteader.

And to his surprise he also locates a cell phone which to his frustration is ‘locked’ and therefore useless.

The cute waitress places his food in front of him and for a while Omega forgets about his troubles and he digs in with relish.

‘Why fancy seeing you again, do you mind sharing a table?’

Omega looks over at least seven empty tables but he gestures for the lady who helped him to take a seat.

The Russian agent is afraid and anxious because even though Omega might look like Jason Bourne but in a lot of ways he is more like Hannibal Lector.

‘Sorry to intrude on your meal but this is my favorite café in Chicago and I really need a caffeine fix.’

They talk about the weather, baseball, just making small talk like two complete strangers do.

Agent Goblinsky is just about to get down to the real reason she is in Chicago when she notices a glazed expression on the killers face.

‘Agent Omega the person you are talking to is a Russian spy terminate her immediately by any means available she is a danger to the security of our nation’

‘Once you have done your duty make your way to O’Hare airport where one of my men will meet you and take you to safety’

Without warning Omega lunges forward and seizes Goblinsky by the head and repeatedly slams it onto the table, fortunately the waitress and after staff members intervene.

Seeing that he is outnumbered Omega runs from the establishment where he soon gets lost in the in the morning rush.

Goblinsky is bleeding profusely from a dozen cuts and will probably have a nasty headache for a week but she is a trained agent with a mission to complete so she shrugs off the concern of the bystanders and she to enters the street of pain bloody but determined.

In his bunker just outside of New York City General Holtsteader gathers his loyal soldiers around ‘Listen up people the fucking Russians have somehow cottoned on to my plan to overthrow the government and install a communist system because democracy has run its course and the change is coming people are you behind me?’

Holtsteader’s chest puffs out with proud as the twenty renegades applaud and cheer their leader.

Amongst them is a young Chinese American named Lee Wang who if things go as planned will soon turn the world on its axis.

Sitting in the back of the bunker silently watching proceedings Glenn Blackhawk a native American from Idaho is growing increasingly concerned with the General’s radical views.

The last thing America needs is a communist government so he needs to stop Holtsteader before anarchy rules.

He and Agent Omega were friends back in the academy when they were both greenhorns with a passion of ridding America of drugs, violence and the need to stop Americans from murdering their fellow Americans with firearms of every description.

Unfortunately Omega went bad and committed the ultimate crime many times over and paid the price having spent over eight years in jail but now he is back on the streets under the control of the General.

If there is one man to stop the General it is Omega so Blackhawk creeps over to the computer showing the live feed from the transistor in Omega’s head.

If he can only he could talk to Omega and let him know that he has a friend waiting in the wings to help eliminate the General before he can do irreparable harm.

Blackhawk needs to find a way to clear the bunker but all he can do at the moment is sabotage the live feed so Omega is invisible to the eyes of the General free to save America from itself.

Agent Omega is sitting in the back of a cab on the way to the airport not knowing if he killed the Russian or not.

He is surprised that General Holtsteader hasn’t been in touch and that is one thing to be glad of because the silence is golden.

Omega uses the silence to think in peace and it suddenly dawns on him that he needs to have the transistor removed so he can visit the General without him knowing because one thing is certain the General would blow him to kingdom come if he knew.

‘Let me out here driver, I will walk the rest of the way’

‘What the airport is 20 miles away’

‘I am not walking to the airport driver I am going to walk the road to redemption so be a good fellow and pull over’

Omega hands the driver a crisp one hundred dollar bill and climbs out ‘Keep the change and driver keep your mouth shut or I will visit you at home and shut it for you permentatly’

The shaken cab driver takes off like a bat out of hell before the crazy man can do him harm.

Back on the street Omega walk with his head down trying to blend in with the masses.

He is thinking about his next move when he feels the cell phone vibrating in his pocket ‘Hello who is this?’

‘Why did you try to kill me you asshole I am on your side’

‘I tried to kill you because you are a Russian spy meddling in American affairs’

‘Did the General tell you that? Just give me a few minutes and I will explain what is happening’

‘General Holtsteader is the leader of a splinter group determined to assassinate the president and replace him with a puppet Chinese president’

‘Are you with me so far Kevin?’

‘Kevin? Did you just call me Kevin?’

‘Yes your name is Kevin Wayne Goodman, a killer for hire who spent years in jail before Holtsteader gained your release to perform wet work for him so he can control the government from the inside’

‘So you really didn’t know your own name?”

‘I had no idea, I woke up this morning with a dead man strapped to a chair in my motel room’

‘Holtsteader has implanted a transistor in my head so he can control me and he said that if I double cross him he will blow me to smithereens’

‘But I haven’t heard from him for hours maybe I am out of range or something?’

‘Where are you now Kevin? Because we need to meet in person and come up with a plan to stop General Holtsteader’

Omega knows that he needs to trust someone sooner or later’ I don’t know what street I am on but I can see a Holiday Inn sign just up the road’

‘OK Kevin go inside to the bar and order a drink I will meet you there in ten minutes’

Ten minutes later the two adversaries are sitting in a booth ‘Sorry about your face it must hurt?’

‘Don’t worry about it only hurts when I blink’

‘Sorry again but before we start I have a couple of questions, who was the dead in the motel room and why is Russia involved in American domestic affairs?’

Firstly I don’t know the name of the man in your room but I am sure my colleagues will investigate the matter further in due course’

‘Secondly Kevin General Holtsteader is a very dangerous man who believes that democracy is no longer working for every day American’s and he wants to install a Chinese president to keep the people away from vices and take away their freedom of speech’

Kevin as you know Russia is not a fan of democracy but can you imagine what will happen if the red dragon has control over your nuclear capabilities and your reserve bank?

‘There would be riots on the streets in every city plus the world would be plunged into fiscal chaos knowing that the Chinese have their grubby little fingers on the red button’

‘But surely no one in America would vote for an Asian even if they are a naturalized citizen’,

‘Sure they would Kevin, don’t forget that the people put Reagan in the oval office back in the 80’s and now Donald Trump is president upsetting everyone with his tweets’

In New York city General Marcus Holtsteader is running out of patience, the live feed to the location of Agent Omega has gone on the blink and the IT specialist is having trouble fixing the problem.

He has posted extra security outside his bunker because the last thing he wants is to have Omega showing up unannounced.

Once the system is up and running again Holtsteader will ignite the transistor and the world will be rid of Agent Omega plus dead men tell no tales.

Agent Blackhawk knows that he is standing on very shaky ground so when everyone in the bunker is concentrating on the computer he put out of commission he slips from the room unnoticed.

But his exit didn’t go unseen because Lee Wang has been watching Blackhawk closely and he doesn’t like what he has seen, Blackhawk is trouble and trouble needs to be handled swiftly.

Agent Goblinsky you know my name but can you tell me where I come from?’

‘I can tell you that your parents were killed in a car accident near the family home in Fort Lauderdale Florida.’

You were only six years old at the time and spent years going from different foster homes and that is when General Hollister first entered your life’

‘He owned a huge ranch outside the city where he housed and trained dozens of boys to become elite soldiers because even back then he had visions of becoming a man with total control’.

‘But when you were eighteen you escaped his compound which he named The Academy.’

You escaped when you were eighteen but as soon as you hit the streets trouble followed you around like a mangy dog’

At nineteen you committed your first murder and from that moment on the killing didn’t stop until you were arrested in 2010 and sentenced to death’

‘No one really knows how many people you killed or what your motive was but the tally is believed to be around 23’

‘At the Academy none of the other trainee’s knew your real identity to them you were just Omega another lost soul brought into line by the General’

Omega cant get his head around the fact that he is a serial killer.

He feels sad that he has inflicted so much pain on so many families but at the same he wouldn’t hesitate to plunge a knife into General Hlotsteader if the opportunity arises.

Donald Trump knows that his chances of still holding the office of the president of the united states until the next election are very slim so on the evening of 14 February 2020 he tweets one final time.

‘My fellow American it is with deep sadness that I tell that I am standing down as your preident’

My impeachment trial as you know is to be held next week and I tell you all now that I am guilty of some of the charges against me but I committed the crimes in the best interest of this great country and I wouldn’t hesitate to do the deed again if I thought it was for the best’

‘Goodbye my friends and lets keep this nation great’

Three months later.

General Holtsteader orders his limo driver to stop at the entrance to the west wing of the white house.

He strides inside like he owns the place and is greeted by the 46th president of the united states, Lee Wang.

The pair shake hands then the president gets right down to business ‘Thank you for coming in today General Holtsteader and it has been a pleasure doing business doing business with you and my masters in Beijing are very happy that I now sit in the oval office with complete power over the American people and the world at large’

Unfortunately for you General Holtsteader your usefulness has come to an end’

While he was addressing the General Wang had picked up his cell phone and now with an evil smirk Wang enters a four digit code’ ‘Goodbye General perhaps we will meet again in the next life’

Holtsteader can’t believe what he is hearing Why you motherfucking asshole what have you done?’

Those are the last words The General will utter because an artery in his brain explodes and he falls to the carpet .

President Wang sits on the ground next to his fallen comrade ‘Remember back at the Academy when you instructed the doctor to implant that transistor in the skull of Omega?Well the doctor also gave added a sedative to your coffee that day and while you slept he inserted a small capsule inside an ear up near your brain and when I entered a code on my cell an artery exploded causing stroke like symptom’s’

General Holtsteader exhales his last breath and dies a lonely broken man.

President Wang smiles in satisfaction and immediately phones home ‘Tell Premier Xi Jinping that now is the ideal time to release the virus’

Lets see how the world handles Corona and the consequences.

Wang sits behind his desk in the oval office not quite believing that his country has just pulled off the biggest coup in history with virtually no resistance.

Soon China’s plan for total control will enter its second phase.


Part two coming soon.

‘The Stairwell ( 2 )’


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Part One.

The summer of 2016 was un seasonally warm in northern England and eight year old Alistair Craddick is outside playing in a creek behind the house his mother bought after his father passed away last winter.

Around midday when his stomach tells him that it needs food Alistair grabs a jar full of tadpoles that he spent all morning collecting.

Running excitedly inside to show his mummy the little wrigglers Alistair doesn’t notice the mud clinging to his shoes.

Mud that is now smeared all over the living room carpet.

Beatrice Craddick is a 38 year old human wrecking ball, as solid as a brick outhouse and meaner than a rattlesnake and on seeing the mess her son has made goes completely ballistic and orders her son to crawl into a small space beneath the stairwell ‘Please mummy you know I don’t like it in there’

Alistair can barely talk through his tears ‘Mummy the stairwell is full of cob webs and spiders please don’t make me go in there’

‘I wont tell you again you little turd now get in there before I get the wooden spoon and give you something to cry about’

Hanging his head Alistair carries his jar of tadpoles over to the stairwell and crawls inside,

Beatrice and her new boyfriend have been getting hot and heavy for months and Joe has been pestering her into letting him move into her home.

But Alistair and Joe don’t get along at all so now Beatrice has a decision to make and after drinking a full bottle of wine she comes to a life shattering decision.

She crushes ten sleeping tablets and dissolves them in a glass of water unlocks the cupboard beneath the stairwell and after a moment hands the water to her son who gulps it down.

Alistair soon began to drift away but before he left this world he uttered ‘Why mummy why? All I wanted was for you to love me’

Three months later.

Beatrice is home alone making herself a sandwich for lunch when she hears a strange scratching sound coming from the stairwell.

She had the space sealed forever more with a solid brick wall a month after she entombed her son alive.

Thinking that maybe a hedgehog or cat has found its way in Beatrice leans in places her ear and listens ‘Why did you kill me mummy? I always tried to be a good little boy so why mummy why’

Beatrice bleats a strangled yelp before her eyes flutter and she faints landing with a heavy thud.

In the stairwell Alistair’s torn twisted soul twirls around his skeleton moving between ribs and decayed sinew until the soul with the aid of a heavenly presence lifts a bony finger that resumes rubbing against the brickwork creating an eerie human voice ‘Why mummy why?’

When she regains her senses Beatrice scampers away from the stairwell in fright making incoherent noises as her mind snaps and madness settles in.

Joe arrives home drunk as a skunk and falls over Beatrice who’s bulk is blocking the entranceway ‘What are you doing on the floor you stupid woman , now get the fuck up and go make me some dinner before I turn you black and blue.

Beatrice doesn’t even notice Joe as he stands threatening above her shaking a fist but the sound of his angry voice hasn’t gone unnoticed in the stairwell.

The soul as been busy while Beatrice slowly lost her mind and now it whips up an army of dead flies ,cockroaches, and tadpoles that have littered the stairwell floor for months.

The animal husks funnel together spinning counter clockwise under the command of Alistair’s soul than they fly out of a small opening made by the bony finger tip the entombed boys skeletal finger and enter joe’s mouth before he has the sense to close it silencing him for eternity.

Beatrice who is now living in the land of the pixies glances at the stairwell as a small jumble of bones leave the confinement and jingle and jangle toward her ‘Hello mummy did you miss me?’

Part Two.

Beatrice’s damaged brain somehow registers the sound of her should be dead son’s voice.

Her remaining semblance of self try to comprehend how Alistair who she personally entombed behind a brick wall is somehow alive and standing before her in a tangle of bones.’Hello mummy did you miss me’.

Part two

Beatrice stumbles outside to escape her son who doesn’t seem to know that he is dead and disappears into the night while inside the house Alistair who is in no fit condition to chase after his mother retreats to the confines of the stairwell ,his home away from home where he spent months decaying and decomposing.

The recently reborn eight year old takes a seat in his usual spot ,he is soon joined by his tortured soul that refused to die.

The apparition twists and twirls between Alistair’s bleached bones giving new life and vitality to his skeletal frame.

As his soul floats around the confined space Alistair’s nasal cavity picks up a nasty smell and he remembers that Joe the arsehole boyfriend is laying dead out on the living room floor.

Alistair has plans for him but not quite yet.

Beatrice has somehow managed to drive over 300 miles from the scene from her son’s reincarnation despite slipping into the realms of insanity.

She weaves in between the traffic like a bat out of hell driving to escape her demons when she loses control of her Mazda and slams into a tree just outside of Manchester.

Fortunately she was wearing her seat which saved her life and a passing motorist called the authorities and held her hand until they arrived.

When the police pull up they are confronted by a mad woman screaming of a boy who rose from the dead a boy who will not rest until he is avenged.

Her rambling’s force an officer to restrain her in the back seat of his car and when an ambulance arrives Beatrice is quickly transported to hospital for the mandatory blood tests and a mental health check.

Back in the stairwell Alistair is still prone in the same position as his body and mind continue to rejuvenate from the inside.

But he knows that once he is ready to leave the stairwell and venture outside he will need an outer covering.

This is where Joe the arsehole will finally be good for something.

On the way to hospital a deranged Beatrice attacked the paramedic who was trying to treat her biting his neck leaving a nasty wound.

She was taken to a hospital for the criminally insane where she was placed in a padded cell secured firmly by a straight jacket.

Alistair knows that he will need help if he is to continue to with his rebirth so he channels his thoughts outside where a wasp has been building a nest under the eaves.

The tiny insect flies into the stairwell and lands on Alistair’s shoulder.

Using a mixture of clicks and whispers Alistair and the paper wasp communicate.

With a blur of wings the wasp darts out to the living room where it proceeds to cut a small patch of discoloured skin before returning to the stairwell and pastes the skin to Alistair’s muscles and meat.

For three days and nights the wasp works feverishly cutting and pasting little square patches of Joe’s skin onto his new friends body until Alistair looks like a patchwork Frankenstein monster with a complexion a nasty green grey.

In her padded cell Beatrice in rare moments of lucidity stares out of a small window high in the wall of her confinement.

She knows that her son is out there somewhere on the road to his redemption and want rest until she is destroyed.

But for the moment all she can see is blackness out of the small portal to the world a darkness that could become her new normality if her reborn off spring finds her.

Alistair has begun to walk and roam around the house as he strengthens tendons and ligaments that he hasn’t used since his rebuild.

As he goes from room to room Alistair’s mind drifts back to the day when his own mummy poisoned him with pills then entombed him behind a brick wall to die a slow painful death.

His shoulders shake as he sobs a few lonely tears that slide down his forlorn cheeks.

Before his tears can leave a stain on his already fragmented frame of mind the tiny paper wasp lands on an ear lobe and whispers words of encouragement.

Alistair nods his head in agreement and as the wasp continues to talk the dark clouds that were clouding his mind disappear only to be replaced by even darker thoughts.

Find his evil mummy and what will be will be.

The wasp flutters around the stairwell corralling all of the creepy crawlies that have picked Joe’s bones clean.

The bugs are keen to go on an adventure where they will travel to hell by Alistair’s side with no guarantee that they will return.

Alistair himself is oblivious to the activity around him as he concentrates on the journey ahead.

After a day spent meditating and reflecting on the past Alistair and his collection of midges ,gnats ,beetles and flies plus of course his trusty sidekick the wasp leave the Craddick home for perhaps the last time.

Even though he is only eight years of age Alistair knows that walking around with a shitload of bugs clinging to his body and his patchwork yellow green skin wouldn’t go unnoticed in broad daylight so dusk is the perfect time to travel to God knows where.

After walking only 500 metres down the road Alistair realises that ‘God knows where’ is an apt description of his problem because he has absolutely no idea in which direction his murderous mummy hightailed to.

But lucky for him the wasp is three steps ahead of him has sent out a search party of twenty or so bluebottle and march flies who can smell the stench of moral decay and treason from over 1000 miles away.

Knowing that the wasp has his back Alistair’s spirits lift and he walks forward with a spring in his step but his feeling hit the doldrums when he feels a blister beginning to rub his left heel.

So with little choose Alistair does something that he knows he shouldn’t oughta do.

He sticks out a thumb and starts to hitch hike for the first time in his short life.

And ten minutes later a beat up Volkswagon pulls up beside him.

Bernie Gillan a thirty three year old diesel mechanic from Bristol is on his way home from church when he spotted a small child on the side of the road but when he gets a closer look he almost drove away ‘Jesus kid you look like you just crawled out of your grave’

‘You shouldn’t be out here on your own and hitch hiking to boot , where are your parents?

‘Thanks for stopping mister I am on my way north to visit my gran before she falls off the perch, huh I mean she is sick so I really need to see her’

‘OK climb in kid and leave the weather outside;

Alistair jumps aboard and immediately the collection of bugs crawl over Bernie deciding whether he is friend or foe and after sniffing his scent settle down for a snooze.

‘Arrrrrggghdrr what in the fuck get these things off before I frive down an embankment’

‘Sorry mister I couldn’t leave my bug collection at home with no food, so just drive me where I want to go before you become their next meal’

Alistair knows that it is cruel to tease the kind driver but he is on a mission and everyone knows that the mission always comes first.

‘OK kid calm down I will take you where you want to go but these crawlies are rally creeping me out;

‘Just drive and when we get there I will let you know’

The wasp enters Alistair’s ear hole and pounds on his ear drum with an urgent message and after listening attentively for a minute Alistair passes the message on ‘Driver just follow the blue lights and soon we will arrive at gran’s and you can be on your way’

‘Thank you kid and please take your bugs with when you leave because they are beginning to make me nervous very nervous indeed’

Twenty metres ahead the blue bottles give off a eerie glow as they fly forward into a strong wind but hopefully they will reach their destination in an hour or two.

20 miles north in her padded cell Beatrice notices a lone fly enter via the small window and annoyingly land on her nose.

She struggles with her straight jacket but to no avail and pretty soon the restraint and the fly and really starting to piss her off big time.

Her madness and ugly disposition give Beatrice extra ordinary strength and one by one the buckles on the straight jacket pop and ten minutes later the battle axe from hell is loose ready to face her demons,

All she has to do now is escape from her cell and find a stairwell in this shit hole because she knows that her son who refuses to die is on his way and she wants to prepare.

As her mind warp bends and twists reality Beatrice slips even further down into the doldrums with no chance of returning to normality any time soon.

As Beatrice paces her cell hundreds and hundreds assorted bugs enter quickly followed by a clever wasp who picks the lock on her cell door and the mummy the devil would refuse is free wander the halls at her leisure.

Bernie steers his car into the driveway out the front of a huge monstrosity called the ‘Hallywell House for the Criminally Insane’ and parks near the front door. ‘There you go you little shit I hope you are proud of yourself for putting me through hell’

‘Now get out of my car and don’t forget to say hello to your gran from me bye’

Alistair approaches the front door anxious and ill at ease but when the goes to open the door it clicks open and he enters and is met by the wasp who guides him on the final steps of his journey.

After rounding a corner Alistair finds himself looking at his mummy sitting in the middle of a dark dank stairwell. Hello Alistair I have been half expecting you, come inside and close the door’

When Alistair enters a tiny patch of skin falls from his body littering the floor like a discarded piece of confetti .

Knowing that he doesn’t have much time left Alistair attempts to confront his mother but he no longer has the strength or the will anymore.

He takes a seat beside the woman who killed him ‘I have travelled many a mile to get my redemption but now all I want to do is close my eyes and die again, goodbye cruel world’

For a few minutes Alistair’s sunken chest rises and falls as he prepares to leave this world for the final time and when he takes his last breath every patch of skin falls from his body providing him a comfy resting place.

Beatrice overcome with grief and guilt puts an arm around her boy and she never moves from his side.

Three days later her tainted heart stops beating and now mother and son are reunited forevermore in an unholy truce.

May their blood mingle and flow down to the gates of hell or up to cleanse the feet of St Peter.

It is now up to the gods to decide their fate.

The wasp begins to build a nest on the melded bodies in preparation for the next generation.

Sometimes the dead die so the living can keep living.


‘Goiter ( 2 ) Soul Sacrifice’


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In the first installment of this adventure I introduced you to Bernie Torrence a 35 year old retail manager from Sacramento California who had been experiencing severe stomach pain for a week.

Almost collapsing one morning while preparing to go to work all Bernie could do was stagger back to back where he hoped that the good lord would come down and carry him away.

Around lunchtime Bernie watched in horror as his stomach distended and began to swell like an over ripe watermelon and from his belly button emerged a tiny human figure ‘Hello my name is Audley Creed are you my mommy?’

Still recovering from giving birth Bernie can barely manage a whisper in reply ‘I suppose I am your mommy Audley but I am also your daddy as well’

With a squelch the rest of Audley’s body enters the world still joined to his mommy/daddy by an umbilical.

All Bernie can do is stare at the ugliest baby ever known and soon Audley will turn into the goiter from hell.

In the first few days of their acquaintance Bernie and Audley fight abd bicker over anything and everything but they both agree that Bernie is in no fit condition to return to work as the manager of the local supermarket

Bills need to be paid and now there is another mouth to feed so with no other options Bernie proposes that they appear on ‘Australia’s Got Talent’

with Audley pretending to be a ventriloquist’s dummy.

Audley isn’t keen on the idea but with no alternative he reluctantly agrees.

After a week of rehearsals they appear on the talent show and to their complete astonishment they win the audition but Audley isn’t happy with their stage name and wants it changed from ‘Torrence & Creed’ to ‘Creed & Friend’

Bernie cant believe how ungrateful the little turd is so he decides to have a few drinks to drown his sorrows and there is an upside to his alcohol intake and that is that the beer flows through his system along the umbilical cord causing Audley to become violently sick and sorry.

But not sorry enough apparently.

When Bernie fell asleep Audley chewed his way through the cord binding the two together than he wrapped the bloody appendage around Bernie’s throat in an attempt to strangle him.

Waking in fright Bernie fought for his life and managed to grab a pair of nail clippers and stab the little monster in his right eye.

Holding a hand over his face Audley flees the scene and disappears into the night.

Bernie breath’s a sigh of relief as he watches his offspring run, now hopefully now his life will return to some sort of normality.


Audley stumbles along a backstreet knowing that if he doesn’t get his facial injury seen to quickly he will more than likely bleed to death before sunrise.

But luckily for him a passing paramedic notices his predicament and pulls over to offer some assistance

The two paramedics are stunned at the extent of the injury and all they can do is remove the damaged organ and apply a bandage until they transport the patient to hospital.

Audley knows that he cant let his two saviours take him to hospital where surely the cops will be summons and they would ask a lot of questions about how did he manage to be stabbed in the eye.

But being only two foot tall Audley knows that he will need help if he is get away from the paramedics.

And without an ounce of regret he calls on an inner demon and in a puff of smoke his maker the devil appears reducing his sons enemies to nothing but two piles of cinders and bone.

Bernie still cant believe that the boy that he brought into this world is just an evil motherfucker who tried to throttle him with his own umbilical cord.

When Audley fled after failing in his attempt to kill his parent he ripped the umbilical cord from Bernie’s body.

Bleeding profusely Bernie knows that he is in mortal danger so he to calls upon an inner strength.

‘God as you know I am not a believer but if you do exist can you please heal my wounds so that I can find Audley Creed and beat the shit out of him and bring him to justice before he can harm anyone else.

( As he whispered his prayer Bernie had no way of knowing that Audley with some help from the dark side has already committed the ultimate sin twice )

‘And God if you really really do exist can you please deposit $ 1 million into my bank account to pay for my funereal if you cant find in your heart to save me ‘

‘But if I do survive I promise to spend the money on my quest to track down Creed and a little on beer hookers and sundry expenses etc etc etc.

Thank you Jesus thank you Lord.

Audley Creed is almost back to his old self after the Devil held his hot trident to his eye suturing the cavity closed.

Losing an eye is a inconvenience but it is a small price to pay to be able to follow his father into the darkness.

Being the Devil’s spawn gives him a huge advantage in ensuring that all goodness and well being is destroyed forever so now the bad men in the black hats will bring pestilence and corruption for eternity.

Bernie wakes from a deep sleep with a slight headache and a full bladder.

As he stands before the throne is surprised that he doesn’t feel any more pain from his injured stomach and when he lifts his shirt he is surprised to discover that the massive wound is healed ,there isn’t even a scar.

Thank you Jesus thank you lord.

Feeling the best he has in years Bernie goes into town to celebrate the second he has been given at life but first he has to visit the bank to check if a second miracle has befallen him.

After standing in a queue for 20 minutes Bernie asks the teller if she could check the balance of his account when she tells him that currently he has $1,000,527 available.

‘Oh my God Bernie did you win the lottery or something’

Bernie has no words all he can do is sit down before he falls down.

After running a few errands Bernie still cant believe that he has over $1 million in the bank.

If God is willing to give him a shitload of money maybe he could ask for a fridge full of beer that never runs out or free flights to anywhere for the rest of his life.

He is still smiling as he pulls into his driveway when his phone pings alerting him that he has a new message.

The message is from a PRIVATE NUMBER and Bernie wouldn’t normally reply to a message from anyone hiding behind their device but this time he relents ‘Hello Bernie God here ,don’t push your luck because what I giveth I can easily take back’

“To earn your money Bernie you need to find Audley Creed and destroy his evil soul because he has just teamed up with the Devil and together those two could threaten the very existence of mankind’

‘Kill the fucker Bernie kill him dead Yours Truly God’

The message instantly disappears from the screen leaving Bernie to wonder whether having $ 1 million is really worth the hassle.

500 miles away Audley is wandering the streets of San Diego seeking food and a place to rest for the night.

He now sports a black patch over the ruined eye and every now and then he will rub the spot where his eye used to be and when he rubs Audley thinks about Bernie Torrence the man who gave birth to him and how good it will feel to slowly torture the cunt then send him on a one way ticket to hell where he will meet his original father ,the Devil.

As he saunters along he pretends not to notice the looks strangers give him as they pass by him.

It isn’t easy being two foot tall with an eye patch with a shock of orange hair.

If only the fuckers knew that with only a whisper he could have them all burnt to a crisp.

When he gets close to Jefferson Park he notices a huge big top tent set up.

The circus must be in town.

A dozen or so people have formed a line to buy tickets and Audley attempts to pass unnoticed but no such luck’Hey freak where are you going? You should join the circus because you would fit right in’

Audley eyes the creep with eyes of fire ( I should say eye of fire ) and the mouth seeing the danger in the little freaks features backs away.

Audley could easily call his father to burn the fucker but he doesn’t want to attract too much attention to himself before the Devil can end existence as we know it.

The owner of the circus a huge bear of a man who closely resembles the serial killer Ed Kemper eyes Audley suspiciously as he approaches.

Lowell Payne is not only obese but he is meaner than a wolverine and he doesn’t take kindly to trespassers ‘Hey asshole where in the fuck do you think you are going? This is private property so go back and stand in line like everybody else’

Audley looks up at the giant feeling a little like Jack in the beanstalk ‘I don’t want to buy a ticket you dumb chunk of shit. I need a place to stay for a while so shut the fuck up and give me a job and stop wasting my time’

Lowell is about to squash the potty mouthed tom thumb like a bug but he has to admit that the one eyed midget has a lot of spunk plus he is the perfect size to get shot from a cannon ‘Okay Tom I hope you have a head for heights and like the smell of gunpowder’

Today must be your lucky day because it just happens that there is a current vacancy so be here at 7 o’clock sharp tomorrow morning and don’t be late’

‘My name is Audley Creed asswipe and don’t you forget it’

‘I have nowhere else to go so I will start immediately ,now show me where I can bunk down for the night and make it snappy’

For once in his life Lowell Payne is lost for words and he glumly leads Audley to a bunch of trailers out the back.

As he follows his new boss Audley rubs the patch over his right eye with one hand while his other hand gingerly touches a pair of nodules breaking through the skin on both sides of his head.

Audley’s horns are making an appearance.

At home Bernie is perched on the edge of his seat demolishing a can of Millers Lite as he ponders the best way to locate Creed without earning the wrath of the Devil and the hell of horrors.

God has graciously given him a lot of cash and hopefully he can catch Creed without spending too much of the heavenly money.

But all that can wait until tomorrow because right now he has plans to sink a few more beers and watch some porn on the XXX channel.

Hopefully God will have his back turned and his hands out of his pockets.

Not quite in the mood just yet Bernie channel surfs and soon comes across a documentary on CBN about the plight of millions of refugees and misplaced people the world over who had to flee their homes to escape poverty and government corruption.

Transfixed Bernie forgets all about pleasuring himself watching porn and his beer is now flat and unappealing.

He vows then and there to help his fellow human beings even if it means spending every cent of God’s kind donation.

Bernie’s phone once again pings and PRIVATE NUMBER lights up the screen and this time Bernie answers immediately ‘Hello Bernie good to see that you are going to help the people because I cant do it all by myself’

Bernie you will need to use your generous heart to destroy Audley Creed because if you try to fight fire with fire you will lose and than the Devil and his one eyed apprentice will drag you down to hell where you will burn and smoulder for damnation’

Before Bernie can get a word in the message again deletes automatically and once more the born again Christian ponders whether having a lot of money is worth getting roasted alive down in the Devils basement.

He will to remember to go to the drug store and buy some super doper sunburn cream.

At the circus Audley is making a lot of new friends even though he knows that soon they will all be burning a slow burn.

He is rooming with lobster boy who has claws instead of hands plus rubber man who would win the game twister every single time.

Every day he has lunch with his room mates ,the bearded lady and a few of the clowns who all help him adjust to circus life under the big top.

Getting shot out of a cannon three times a day takes a lot of getting used to especially the hot wick burning his butt and the safety net could be a tad wider.

Audley no longer rubs his eye patch even though the still holds a hate for Bernie Torrence.

He now rubs the two horns that recently sprouted on his head.

Like father like son.

Bernie is now a fully fledged man of God and now he walks the street in a long white gown and has let his hair grow’

The only disappointment is his scraggly beard that wouldn’t look out of place on a pimply faced teenager.

He bought himself a bible from a secondhand store and reads the scriptures to anyone who will listen and next week Bernie will celebrate the opening of a new soup kitchen.

Audley along with two pointy horns now has an itch above his butt crack where a tail is beginning to form plus his skin is now a deep red colour.

He is now officially a little Devil.

And his new appearance hasn’t gone unnoticed Lowell Payne who is keen to cash in because when it comes to the circus there is no such thing as too many freaks.

Audley is due at the office to pick up his pay check and when he does Lowell will tell him days of getting shot from a cannon are over because now is will be the circus’s new star attraction Lil’ Lucifer.

Lowell is busy calculating how much money his new freak will bring to the circus when the horned one enters his office.

Audley takes a seat and listens as his boss tells him about his new role but as Lowell talks his balls do a somersault in their sac when he comes to realise that Audley is actually a readers digest condensed version of the prince of darkness a real life Devil with horns a tail red skin and a temper to match.

Realizing the danger that he is in Lowell attempts to flee but the one eyed mini lucifer is having none of that and he rubs his hands together furiously causing sparks to fly around the room disorientating the scared circus owner.

Then Audley swings his newly formed tail and the barbs on the end sink into Lowell’s rotund belly who falls to the ground sirloined and purloined.

Lowell Payne is now nothing more than fresh kibble.

The Devil is watching his protégé on CCTV live from his over heated basement with pride burning his black heart.

His demon seed is progressing well and if all goes as planned planet earth will become a wasteland.

Satisfied that Lowell has been burnt to a crisp Audley gathers up his tail and runs outside where he shoots more sparks into the big top and into his co- workers trailers.

Then he stands back and watches as flames ignite spreading quickly devouring the tent and trailers and all persons within.

All up that night 280 people lost their lives as evil tries to take control from the good and steal the souls from the living.

Bernie Torrence is busy in his kitchen serving up the soup of the day and as he ladles out another bowl of chicken noodle soup to one of his regulars his eyes steal a glance ata small TV attached to a wall.

His eyes widen in alarm and recognition as he listens to a news report from San Diego.

He becomes increasingly worried as the reporter ,Penny Waffleon gushes ‘News just coming in from San Diego ,a fire has burnt down the big top and surrounding trailers of a visiting circus killing all 230 patrons and circus workers’

‘Even more disturbing is that the police believe that the fire was deliberately lit with an eye witness telling them that he saw a person of a small stature fleeing the scene.’

‘The suspect is described as being only two feet tall with a patch over his right eye and I know this will sound strange but he perpetrator is said to has horns and a long tail’

Now over to Dan Druff with the weather ,Dan’

Bernie tells his cook to take over and he rushes out to his car and begins the two hour drive to San Diego.

As he drives Bernie half expects God to ring with instructions on how to stop a sunburnt midget from starting complete mayhem.

When he reaches his destination Bernie still hasn’t heard a peep from his maker but he isn’t that concerned because he can feel God’s presence all around him.

The area around the crime scene is taped off with homicide detectives scanning the surrounds looking for clues but unfortunately there is no sign of Audley Creed.

50 metres away Audley smiles when he sees his Bernie over near the police containment line.

He has taken refuge behind a dumpster having been unable to escape and so far he has managed to stay hidden from the cops.

Now with his birth father unknowingly coming to his rescue Audley knows exactly what he needs to do.

Unseen he sidles up beside his dad and grabs hold of his hand.

Bernie almost died there and then when he looked down and saw who was holding his hand immediately he tried to break free but Audley was holding him in a vice like grip, ‘Why you little Devil you are even more evil than I ever imagined and you are definitely no son of mine so just give up and accept your punishment’

Before Bernie can alert the police he falls to his knees in intense pain and to his astonishment his belly button from where he gave birth to Audley opens up and the evil little fucker crawls inside like a joey kangaroo returning to the pouch.

The genie is back in the bottle.

The Devil is disappointed that his protégé couldn’t achieve his objective this time because he has been waiting for eons to bring darkness to mankind so a few more months shouldn’t make much difference.

Up amongst the clouds God is relieved that the ultimate fight has been put on hold for a while and he is still confident that Bernie want let him down.

Plus if he needs to step in and perform a miracle or two to help save humanity than he will.


PART THREE is coming soon so keep an eye out.

Incognito Mosquito


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It is 8 pm and Dr Stefan Johansson is checking his emails before calling it a night.

58 year old Johansson is a world renowned genetic scientist who is minor celebrity in his native Sweden after he won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2016 after he developed a simple blood test for the early detection of certain cancers.

A breakthrough that has the potential to save millions of lives worldwide.

For the last few months he has been working on a new treatment for malaria and the results so far are very promising.

But on the Wednesday evening Stefan is feeling a little apprehensive as he reads an email from his superior at Stockholm’s Centre of Genetics and Disease Control Professor Marke Pietermann.

Stefan is certain that Pietermann is jealous of his success so getting summoned to the Professor’s office at 9 am tomorrow morning can be nothing but bad news.

Stefan arrives a few minutes before nine the following morning and knocks on Pietermann’s office door ‘Good morning Dr Johansson I trust you slept well? Would you like a cup of coffee before I get down to business or shall I begin?’

Stefan looks at the mousy little man and nods for him to continue ‘Dr Johansson what I am about to tell will come as a complete shock to you but I am sorry to tell you that because of a huge cut to the Centre’s budget for the next financial year you have become excess to our requirements’

It takes Stefan a few seconds to comprehend what his asshole boss just said but when the words finally sink in the explodes out of his chair in rage.

‘Excess to your requirements! You really are a pompous prick aren’t you? I have won the Nobel Peace Prize for god sake and I am on the verge of a huge breakthrough in the treatment of malaria and you tell me that I am excess to your requirements! what a prize cunt you are Pietermann’

‘Calm down Dr Johansson there is no need for the foul language’

A scientist of your standing and reputation will have no trouble finding a new position’

‘Please clean out your desk and vacate the premises before 11 am Dr Johansson and make sure that any documents and research papers you have in your office stay here at the Centre because I am sure that I and a few of my colleagues will be able to finish what you started. Good day Dr Johansson’

Stefan cant believe what he is hearing and before he can control his rage he lands a vicious punch to the jaw of his former boss ‘See you in hell asshole’

Rubbing his knuckles Stefan rushes to his office and tosses any documents relating to his research into a wastepaper basket and sets it on fire than after wiping the hard drive on his computer clean.

After a quick look around to make sure he hasn’t left anything that Pietermann and his cronies can use he strides towards the door than it a fit of madness he opens a sealed glass cabinet and removes a vial of a virulent strain of malaria and slips it into a coat pocket.

A loud knock on the door startles Stefan and he turns to see an armed security guard standing on the threshold ‘ Sorry Dr Johansson but I have been ordered to escort you off the premises immediately’

Humiliated and despondent Stefan follows the guard out to the carpark and into the unknown.

Later that same day Stefan is arrested for assault and battery and is consequently sentenced by a judge to thirty days in prison.

Because of his status in the scientific world his arrest and imprisonment make headline news across Sweden.

All networks cover the story and the nation hears the sad tale of how a former Nobel Peace Prize winner can be reduced to nothing but a common criminal all because of Pietermann’s jealousy and greed.

Stefan was going to use his new treatment for malaria for the common good of people across the globe but now with a heart full of black is quest now is to wipe humanity from this planet starting with Professor Marke Pietermann but it will have to look like an accident because he would be suspect number one in a murder case.

Stefan is released from prison a month later and there was one good thing to come out of his confinement and that was that it gave him plenty of time to think and the one thing that he constantly thought about was using the mosquito’s that he has in his laboratory in his garage at home to create the ultimate murder weapon.

Working day and night Stefan hardly eats and survives on three hours sleep a night as he concentrates on creating a mosquito with wings that beat silently so they can approach their victim in slealth mode.

Also the incognito mosquito’s will possess a titanium outer shell that will make the mozzies virtually unsquashable.

And almost twelve months after his release twelve matt black Mosquito’s hover noiselessly over a petri dish than they settle on the edge of the dish and dip their tweeters in the blood and begin to feed.

The blood is laced with the nasty strain of malaria that Stefan stole from the Centre on the day he was fired.

Now he watches his proteges drink with hungry eyes knowing that the day of reckoning is fast approaching.

Any day now his squadron of modified mozzies will be ready to seek and destroy.

At his house in one of Stockholm’s most prestigious suburbs Professor Marke Pietermann is enjoying a rare evening without any paperwork to attend to so he opens a bottle of cognac and pours a snifter of the amber liquid and settles down to watch the opera on his huge ass TV.

After the fourth glass Pietermann wouldn’t have noticed if a herd of elephants entered the room so he never saw or felt twelve twerking tweeters pierce the skin on the back of his neck and start to drink his blood as they pumped him full of poison.

Watching through binoculars from across the street Stefan smiles in triumph when Pietermann collapses to the floor as the murderous mosquito’s continue to bleed him dry and fill him with malaria.

Satisfied with a job well done Stefan places a petri dish full of his own blood on a nearby window sill and a few minutes later his dozen accessories to murder land on the dish and the thirteen murderers head on home.

A week later Stefan is relaxing at home getting used to doing a whole lot of nothing when his thoughts are interrupted by the ringing of his landline ‘Good morning Dr Johansson my name is Greta Gunn and I know that you and Professor Pietermann didn’t exactly see eye to eye but I thought that I should call you and let you know that the Professor died last Friday’

‘I am sorry to hear the sad news Greta but who are you exactly?’

‘Oh I am sorry Doctor I really should have introduced myself better, I was Professor Pietermann’s assistant here at Stockholm’s Centre of Genetic’s and Disease Control and I don’t wish to sound insensitive but the Professors untimely death has created a vacancy here T the Centre and the board wants to know if you would be interested in filling the vacancy?’

‘Why thank you Greta could you please tell the board that I would be delighted to take up their kind offer’

‘I will certainly inform the board of your acceptance would you be available to begin your tenure here first thing Monday morning?’

‘Sure thing Greta I shall see you then’

Stefan can’t help but smile at the irony it seems that murder does pay.

Out in the garage the twelve masquerading Mosquito’s are having a snack on their masters blood as they dip their tweeters into another petri dish.

They are all grateful for the meal but they are growing increasingly bored by the lack of action

They like drinking blood like any other Mosquito but these mozzies were bred to kill and kill and so far business has been slow.

As his squadron of killer mosquito’s wait impatiently out in the garage in his plush living room Stefan is getting ready for his first day back working for his former employer.

How sweet it will be to sit on Pietermann’s office chair and enjoy the trappings as he bathes in the glory that he so richly deserves.

Killing Pietermann turned Stefan’s life completely around going from dust to diamonds and dreams into reality or so Stefan thinks.

Because sometimes a diamond can actually be a fake and the best dreams and turn into your worst nightmare.

At home Stefan’s pet mozzies have gone completely stir crazy.

They desperately need a fresh blood meal evertday not the stale out of date liquid their master expects them to drink plus their tweeters are aching to stab and slash a new victim.

The leader of the troop is a large mosquito named Fletcher Christian who has a blood lust greater than a vampire on heat and he takes it upon himself to organize a mutiny.

A vote is taken and it is agreed that their master is no longer fit to control their destiny so the twelve desperado’s decide that having outlived his usefulness Stefan has to go

As the mosquito’s plot his demise Stefan is in his new office struggling to with the role he played in the killing of Pietermann, he doesn’t regret the murder itself but the constant fear that the police will come knocking on his door in the middle of the night and drag him off to prison again.

Just after 2 pm the dozen mutinous mozzies land on a window sill at Stockholms Centre of Genetic’s and Disease Control and their leader Fletcher Christian orders his troops to fly inside and immobilize anyone that they come across while he will search for their master and dispose of him.

The twelve incognito mosquito’s fly silently from office to office feeding on their victims as they inject their payload of misery.

Some of the unfortunate’s receive a lethal dose of malaria while others will live to fight another day.

Stefan is busy working and has no idea that his twelve creations has staged a mutiny with him being the priority target.

He is concentrating on his computer screen and doesn’t sense the presence of Fletcher Christian hovering behind him.

Christian lands on the back of Stefan’s neck with the intention of killing his victim but at the last second he changes his mind and pushes his tweeter which is now the size of a hypodermic needle in between C4 and C5 vertebrate leaving Stefan immobile for life he will never walk again.

Christian hovers in front of his victims eyes so he can see who inflicted the damage and is now the new master.

Stefan can do nothing but watch as one of his creatures flies off to inflict more damage.

Christian joins his squadron on the window sill.

They have all drunk so much blood over the last couple of days and have grown to an enormous size for a mosquito.

The twelve now resemble sleek stealth bombers with the menace of a pit bull and I pity anyone who gets in their way.

Before they head home Christian decides to fly a final mission down to the lower just to make sure that they haven’t missed another human full of fresh blood.

Dr Frank Gruber a German scientist on loan to the Centre is working alone in his sealed laboratory unaware of the carnage upstairs.

He is wearing a full body protective suit and draws oxygen from a tank strapped to his back.

Before on a counter is a petri dish containing smallpox 35687 one of the deadliest diseases known to mankind.

When the dozen mosquito’s reach the lower level Christian immediately notices the human in the laboratory.

They congregate around a small glass panel searching for access but the glass is two inches thick and the walls of the lab are twice the thickness but made from top grade titanium designed to withstand a nuclear blast.

Surely enough to hold up against a strike from a dozen stealth mosquito’s?

Christian spends an hour searching for a way inside but the laboratory is sealed tighter than a gnat’s asshole.

Desperate to gain access to the blood source Christian flies twenty yards back from the small glass panel.

He takes off as fast as a ballistic bullet and slams into the panel.

At first the glass holds firm but after the third attack a small hairline crack appears than when Christian slams into the glass for the 25th time the glass shatters and the twelve thirsty mozzies fly inside.

Dr Gruber has been watching in horror as the metal creature repeatedly slammed into the glass panel but he was confident that it would withstand the attack.

But the mosquito is relentless and when the glass finally shattered Gruber could do nothing to prevent twelve marauders from entering his lab.

All he can hope for is that his protective will do its job and lucky for Gruber it does.

After wasting time and energy for over ten minutes trying to get to the humans blood Christian calls a halt to the attack and the twelve mozzies land on a petri dish to rest and hopefully a drink.

But the petri dish holds no liquid just a shitload of small spores that hold little interest to a blood sucking mosquito so after a brief rest the twelve take to the sky unaware that they have all ingested enough small pox to kill every man woman and child all over northern Europe.

Perhaps enough to wipe out humanity on earth.


Who will save the day?

Maybe time is up for mankind.

To find out if anyone on this planet will survive past 2019 you will need to come back and read part two if you and I are still alive.

‘Ribbons Of Blood (5) The Final Chapter’


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This story began about a year ago when acclaimed novelist Victor Bradstreet suffering a terrible bout of writers block drove to his cabin in the woods in rural Virginia to gain some inspiration.

Close to his destination he stopped at Alberts General Store to buy some supplies.

As he wandered the aisles Victor noticed an old beat up Olivetti typewriter sitting on a clearance table.

Thinking that the typewriter might be a lucky charm and inspire him to write again he bought the machine and went on his way.

On the first night while Victor slept the Olivetti typed a novel that went on to become a bestseller .

Afraid that the typewriter would steal his thunder Victor set fire to the machine in his backyard and despite being badly damaged the Olivetti refused to die and after recuperating it attacked Victor .

Unleashing it’s ink ribbons the typewriter strangled Victor than consumed his body without leaving a single drop of blood behind.

Over the following weeks the typewriter also disposed of Victors publisher Penelope Clutterbuck his daughter Abigail plus the investigating officer Detective Mike Peterson.

The Olivetti also killed a brave K9 dog named Monty owned by Trooper Clyde Ybanez.

The Olivetti was eventually captured by the FBI and imprisoned.

It was executed by firing squad than smelted down and recycled into steel cans.

But once again the Olivetti wasn’t ready to die and tiny pieces of steel detached from the cans and travelled along the highway all the way to Springwood Virginia and into the basement of the house owned by none other than Trooper Ybanez.

There the tiny pieces of steel melded together and three days later the Olivetti was back with a vengeance.

Startled to see the Olivetti in his basement Ybanez decides to use the murderous machine for his own selfish needs.

When his K9 dog Monty was killed by the typewriter Ybanez was tormented by two of his fellow officers,Detectives Kevin Godley and Lionel Crème.

Luring the two Detectives to a motel on the outskirts of town Trooper Ybanez waits down in the carpark and watches the two Detectives enter room 6 where they were ambushed and consumed by the hungry machine.

Feeling ashamed by what he has done Clyde and feeling the need to get rid of the evidence he wraps the unsuspecting typewriter in duct tape.

He loads the machine into his car and drives to a campground that he used to visit back in his younger days.

Feeling distraught and frightened Clyde failed to notice that the duct tape was beginning to fray.

He carried the Typewriter to the edge of a long drop shitter and threw it deep into the brown.

Rubbing his hands together thinking that his ordeal is finally over turns away to return home when he is taken by surprise as the typewriter unleashes the ribbons of blood.

They wrap around his throat and pull him down into the poo of turds.

‘Oh shit’ were Clyde’s last words before hit the surface and sank.

The Final Chapter

When he hit the murky water Trooper Ybanez had the good sense to close his mouth and hold his breath.

As the typewriter and Clyde sink deeper and deeper into the muck luckily for the trooper the Olivetti releases its stranglehold and wraps the ink ribbons around a tree root six feet below the surface.

Clyde has been holding his breath for over a minute and he knows that he hasn’t much time before he succumbs so using his police training plus hundreds of sessions spent in the gym he manages to grapple up the ribbons and stand on the root leaving only his face above the surface.

He just hopes that no one comes to use the shitter because he is right in the firing line .

But at the same it might be his only chance to escape from this hell hole.

Travelling salesman Dave Jenkins is in a happy mood because he is heading after ten days on the road , he nods his head to a classic Deep Purple song as he thinks about seeing his wife and kids again.

His stomach is full after pigging out on a huge bowl of chilli at a truck stop a half hour ago.

But as Purple gives way to Aerosmith Daves stomach starts to grumble and complain.

At first he isn’t that concerned because he has eaten chilli a thousand times before and it has always been a case of winding the window down and letting a few go and all in well in the world .

But now Dave knows that he doesn’t find a restroom soon than things could turn messy.

Dave clenches his butt cheeks tight as he desperately search looks out for a rest stop sign .

As his gut screams for mercy Dave realises that maybe he shouldn’t have eaten the chilli so fast but having not had anything to eat all day he scoffed down the bowl in record time and now he is paying a heavy price.

Than a huge sign catches his eye ‘South End Campground ‘ two miles ahead.

Breathing a huge sigh of relief Dave parks close to a shitter and walks inside loosening his belt and dropping his pants before taking a seat above a long drop.

Feeling exposed Dave just wants to do his business and be on his way but nothing is happening.

‘That would be right ,I am ready to launch a torpedo but the hatch is closed’

Below Dave’s lily white butt Trooper Ybanez was close to giving up hope of being rescued plus half expecting the Olivetti to grab him by the ankles and drag him down.

‘HELP’ he screams up to the nasty looking crack blocking the sun.

Peering down between his legs Dave is surprised to see a face staring up at him ‘What are you doing down there son ? Did you fall in ?’ Never mind just hang on and I will go fetch some rope’

Pulling up his pants Dave grabs a length of rope and hurries back to the trapped shit covered soul.

In all of the excitement his bowels have turned to concrete and it will probably take a jackhammer to gouge out his next stool.

But he can’t worry about that now,he has a man to save and there and there is no time to lose.

Trooper Ybanez is down to his last reserve ‘s of strength when the rope is lowered down into the abyss .

He quickly ties the rope under his arms and gives it a yank’OK pull me up before my entire world turns to shit’

Dave yells’Hang on buddy,i will tie the other end to my bumper and get you out of there’

And a minute later a brown water logged figure is pulled from the hole.

Dave appears with a blanket and a bottle of water but the stench stops him in his tracks. ‘Holy shit buddy ,you smell worse than a dead skunk left out in the sun too long’

Clyde wants to scream at his rescuer ‘Well I have been stuck down in a shitter for over seven hours’ but he just smiles glad to be alive.

He peels off his shit soaked clothes and shivers in shock as the good Samaritan hoses him down from head to toe ‘There you go buddy almost as good as new ,now wrap yourself in the blanket and I can be on my way’

The two men embrace “Thanks for saving my life Dave ,my name is Clyde Ybanez by the way,if you are ever down near Springwood call in and I will buy you a beer’ Dave waves farewell and drives away,

Clyde waits a minute to compose himself before climbing into his car and heads home hoping that he never sets foot in that campground again.

Before he joins the highway he glances back at the shitter and screams at the Olivetti ” Die motherfucker die’

Fifteen feet beneath the fetid water a muffled voice replies “see you soon Trooper Ybanez see you soon’

Three months later

Trooper Ybanez has returned to the Springwood police department in the K9 unit.

His life is somewhat stable after his ordeal with the crazy typewriter and his dip in the shitter.

He still feels guilty about his role in having his two colleagues Detectives Godley and Crème killed by the Olivetti.

Now his main issue is personel hygiene , he showers at least three times a day and applies deordorant hourly.

But that is a small price to pay to still be alive and even though he might smell better and has returned to work he cant quite shake the feeling that he hasn’t seen the last from the blood thirsty Olivetti deep down in the shitter.

Back at the campground a big truck emblazoned with ‘We Suck Shit So You Don’t Have To’ down both sides backs up and parks ten meters from the shitter.

The driver a huge bear of a man with more tattoo’s than a Mexican drug lord climbs down from his rig.

Percy Hollister has been sucking shit for 35 years and he is happy to do so .it might be a stinker of a job but someone has to do it plus the pay is pretty damn good.

He drags a huge suction hose to the edge of the long drop and throws it into the cesspool.

As the hose sucks up the liquid turds Percy lights a cigarette to help pass the time ( even though there is enough methane gas in the air to launch a space shuttle ).

As he draws the smoke into his lungs he listens to country music blaring from the rigs sound system.

Between drags he sings along with ‘Someone Stole My Dog ( But Left My Girlfriend Behind ) oblivious to the danger nearby.

If he knew what is lurking down among the turds he would throw his cigarette away and get the fuck out of there.

A loud crunching sound coming from the shitter grabs his attention ‘What in the fuck now’ he mutters as he strides towards the shitter.

He peers down and is surprised to see a square object blocking the hose sabotaging his chance to finish the job and go home and have a few beers and maybe have a snuggle with his wife Cindy Lou.

Despite his best efforts to remove the object it reuses to budge so with no other option Percy hauls in the hose to remove the object by hand and when the hose reaches the surface Percy recognizes the culprit as a vintage Olivetti typewriter.

Having worked in the effluent business for many years Percy is no longer surprised at what some people throw into the sewer system.

His home is full of discarded items that after a wash in hot soapy water gave them a new lease on life.

And Percy is positive that with a good scrub the Olivetti will become a great addition to his collection or fetch top dollar at auction.

Holding his breath places the shit covered typewriter into a burlap sack and he leaves the campground completely unaware that he is travelling with the stowaway from hell.

Percy arrives home two hours later and is happy to see his wife waiting for him ,he climbs down from his rig carrying the foul smelling sack ‘Christ Percy what have you brought home this time? It smells like death warmed up’

‘Sorry Cindy Lou it is an old typewriter that I retrieved from a long drop over near Springwood’

‘Well don’t you dare take that chunk of crap into the house ,put it in the mudroom straight away before my nose falls off my face in fright’

Percy shakes his head in annoyance but he does what his wife asks and takes the machine into the mudroom for a good scrub down and twenty minutes later the discarded Olivetti shines like a diamond in the rough.

Pleased with a job well done Percy heads inside for a well deserved beer or two but unfortunately there was no snuggle for Percy that night.

Cindy Lou loves Percy dearly but she is tired of all the stinking crap that he brings home from work everyday.

But she has to admit that she is intrigued by the typewriter that he brought home yesterday so once her husband goes to work she enters the mudroom and is immediately dazzled by the Olivetti’s brilliance.

The machine must have been manufactured over forty years ago ,now it looks like it just rolled off the production line so Cindy Lou vows to apoligise to Percy when he gets home because she is certain that the typewriter could fetch up to $1,000 on Ebay.

She is deciding whether to buy a new pair of shoes with the money or spend big on a complete makeover when

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

‘Huh?’ Cindy Lou blinks in astonishment as the keys on the typewriter go up and down. ‘What in the fuck?’ Still no quite believing what she is seeing Cindy Lou peers in for a closer look and sure enough the keys are moving so she leans in even closer.

Typewriters were invented to create words but this Olivetti prefers action and it strikes with deadly force.

Cindy Lou is taken completely by surprise and offers little resistance as the ribbons of blood choke off her airways and pull her into the machine.

It has been a long time since the Olivetti ate a decent blood meal and it savours every drop as Cindy Lou’s body is pulverised into a pulp that will sustain the typewriter for weeks.

Ten hours later Percy arrives home hungry and also hoping that Cindy Lou has thawed out a bit because he really could do with some loving tonight.

He is wearing a watch that someone lost down a shitter ,sure it might be a bit on the nose but it keeps perfect time .

Feeling lucky Percy calls out to his wife ‘Hey Cindy Lou how about we go to that fancy Italian restaurant that you like than come home and fool around a bit?’

Percy is a little puzzled when his wife doesn’t answer because it is late and she is usually home ,maybe she is having a lie down?’

But upon entering the bedroom his wife is still nowhere to be found.

Now Percy is really starting to get worried because Cindy Lou is usually home to greet him when he arrives from work.

Feeling frantic Percy again looks at the clock and decides that if Cindy Lou isn’t home in two hours he will call the police.

Than he remembers that he hasn’t checked the mudroom yet ‘But surely his wife would have heard him calling out?’

Hurrying into the mudroom Percy calls out his wives name but the room is empty except for a shiny Olivetti looking like the cat that swallowed the cream.

Percy is amazed at how brand new and pristine the typewriter appears to be ,he only gave it a spit and a polish but this Olivetti looks like a spanking new machine.

Percy notices a small blemish and on closer inspection he gasps at the sight of a single drop of blood ‘Did Cindy Lou cut herself and go to the hospital?’

Concerned for his wives welfare Percy loses focus for a second and the Olivetti strikes.

Hungry for another blood meal it shoots out the ink ribbons that wrap around his wrist and pull his hand into the mechanism.

Soon Percy’s whole arm is chewed and swallowed like scraps disappearing down a garbage disposal.

He fights and pleads for his life but he soon loses strength and is devoured limb by limb until every morsel of meat is eaten so now Percy is nothing but a memory.

The disappearance of Percy and Cindy Lou Hollister continues to baffle the authorities to this day,Did the couple run away to start a new life somewhere? Were they abducted by aliens?

How can two people just vanish without a trace?

The case soon goes cold and six months later the family home is sold to a couple from New York looking for a sea change while the furniture and appliances were sold to a local dealer for a song.

The Olivetti unwanted by the dealer was passed on to Albert Finnegan the owner of Albert’s General Store.

The very store that Victor Bradstreet the acclaimed novelist first encountered the typewriter twelve months back.

The Olivetti once again sits on a clearance table gathering dust waiting for a new owner to buy it and give it a home.

The typewriter could have easily killed Albert or any of the customers that came into his establishment but the Olivetti has bigger fish to fry.

It plans on eating one last Mac Happy meal before going into hibernation for a century or two.

And that meal will be Trooper Clyde Ybanez.

Ten miles away Clyde is doing a spot of fishing on the bank of the Shenandoah River but he isn’t having much luck.

The trout aren’t biting and Clyde is having a hard time concentrating on his favorite past hobby all because he just cant shake the feeling the crazy typewriter that he threw in the shitter has somehow escaped and is looking at wiping the late clean.

Knowing that the only fish he will ear today will be covered in batter and deep fried Trooper Ybanez packs up his rods and drives his Subaru into town.

Twenty minutes he pulls into the carpark in front of Albert’s General Store but as soon as he opens the car door the same weird feeling he had back at the river settles in the pit of his stomach.

Drawing his service revolver Trooper Ybanez enters the store where he is greeted by the owner ‘Whoa what is going on Clyde? I don’t think my prices are that bad.’

‘Sorry Albert but I thought you had a situation here my mistake,but I have to tell you that your frozen turkeys are a bit on the expensive side.’

Holstering his weapon Trooper Ybanez shares a laugh with Albert but the strange feeling remains.

He orders his lunch than decides to grab a few essentials while waiting for the fish to cook.

Deciding whether to buy a loaf of sourdough or rolls Trooper glances up and his world falls in.

Sitting thirty feet away staring back at him is his nemesis the evil Olivetti typewriter.

Surely there is more than one Olivetti in the world Clyde tells himself but deep down in his bowels he knows that this is the same typewriter from the shitter.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

Looking back he screams ‘Albert get the fuck out of here right now and lock the door behind you NOW ALBERT NOW’

‘Hello Trooper Ybanez so we meet again’

I have been waiting for you Trooper Ybanez because I have to return to hell soon and I plan on taking you with me so I can have a snack on the way’

‘Or better yet I will keep you alive and torture the shit out of you for eternity’

‘Buckle up buddy cause you are going for a ride’

Trooper Ybanez knows that there is only once course of action open to him, he needs to killer the mother fucking typewriter and this time for good.

No more Mr Nice Guy.

‘Fuck you and the horse you rode in on you key tapping dinosaur ,I don’t like the heat so tell the devil to go fuck himself’

Knowing that his words with enrage the typewriter Trooper Ybanez braces for what is to come and he isn’t disappointed.

The ink ribbons might be the Olivetti’s weapon of choice but they are also its biggest weakness.

When the Olivetti unleashes the ribbons of blood Clyde grabs them and ties the murder weapons to a support beam than using a crowbar from aisle three he jams the tool into typewriters mechanism.

Now the machine is disarmed and ready for the taking but the fucking thing can still type ‘Well done Trooper Ybanez see you on the flip side’

Clyde watches in amazement as the typewriter liquefies and flows through the cracks between the floorboards as it travels towards earths core.

The evil Olivetti is now back in hell where it belongs.

‘Home sweet home asshole ,don’t come back anytime soon’




, , , , , ,

I haven’t been feeling quite like myself in the last few weeks.My stomach is bloated and i have been experiencing nights sweats plus i have a strange craving for anchovies on with ice cream.

So i am either pregnant or going through menopause but i am a 35 year old male so i can safely rule out both of these options.

After a weekend of more pain and discomfort i was glad when i woke for work on Monday morning i was feeling like my old self again even though my stomach is distended and sore.

I put on a shirt a few sizes too big ,brush my teeth and head out the door.

But as i open my car door i double over in agony and barely make it back inside.

I frantically try to call 000 but in my panic i cant find my mobile phone so i stumble into my bedroom and collapse on the bed hoping like hell that the pain will pass.

But the pain gets even more intense and i watch in atonishment as the buttons on my shirt pop and my stomach swells like a watermelon.

Than with surprisingly little pain my belly button opens and a baby of sorts enters this world.’Hello my name is Audley Creed are you my daddy?

‘Holy shit’ not only have i given birth but the little fucker can talk’Um hello Audley my name is Bernie Torrence and i suppose i am your daddy.

Audley yawns with indifference and promptly falls asleep.

As my newborn sleeps a thousand questions echo around my brain.

If i wasn’t pregnant than where in the fuck did Audley come from?

How in the hell am i supposed to look after a talking baby?

Plus how can i explain my situation to all my family and friends?

As i ponder these thoughts i am just grateful that Audley didn’t come out through my pee hole because that really would of hurt.

Audley wakes up demanding to be fed’Jesus being a new dad is hard work’

I cradle Audleys head as i carry him into the kitchen where i put a straw into a carton of milk and and put it in his gob.

He suckles greedily for a few minutes before letting loose a huge burp that shakes the rafters.

‘Daddy i know my name is Audley Creed but can you tell me where i actually come from?

I feel sorry for the little tike and i get a little emotional’Audley i wish that i could answer your question but i cant’

‘We were literally joined at the hip so until i work things out we will just have to do the best we can’

But that isn’t good enough for Audley and he continues to ask question after question.

In frustration i go to put him down on the couch and hopefully he will quieten down when i realize that he is stuck.

Audley and i are still literally joined together and whether him or i like the situation he is now permanently a part of me.

Just then my mobile rings and it is Tery Connelly my 2IC at work.

I am the manager at the local supermarket and right now i wish i was at work instead of standing here arguing with an annoying goiter.

‘Hi Terry sorry i didn’t call you but i was in a car accident this morning and i am OK just a bit shaken up but i should be back in a couple of days’

As i tell Terry a load of bullshit to keep him off my back Audley continues to argue and holler in the background.

‘Bernie i thought that you lived by yourself ?is someone with you?

What? Oh no Terry i just have the TV a little too loud’

‘I will call you tomorrow afternoon to let you know when i will be back ,bye’

I have a hand pressed over Audley’s mouth to keep him quiet and i am tempted to leave it there but when his face goes a little green i relent.

‘Listen up Audley and listen good,i am in charge of this household not you so please keep your mouth closed until you learn some manners’

For once in his short life Audley has nothing to say but i can see that he is seething.

His eyes are burning with fire and i feel his anger towards me.

At that moment i remember a movie i saw years ago called ‘Chucky’s Revenge’

It was about a creepy doll that came to life and went on a murderous rampage.

My balls tingle and my throat constricts when i realize that maybe i have my own Chucky on my hands.

There is no way that i can return to work anytime soon so i ring my area manager and tell him that i need to take some long service leave to sort out a family problem.

‘Torrence if you aren’t back at work first thing tomorrow morning don’t bother coming back at all because your services will no longer be required’

Well i don’t take to kindly to threats so i tell the arrogant prick to stick his job where the sun doesn’t shine.

So now i am unemployed with a mortgage to pay plus i am attached to an argumentative growth who thinks that he is Charles in charge.

After a few weeks of bonding and getting to know each other the tension between us lessens and we become kind of close.

But in the back of my mind i can still see the image of Chucky the killer doll .

Even though it is good to be able to sleep in every day i still have bills to pay so i need to get a new job and quick.

But as i browse the job vacancies i come to the conclusion that there isn’t a great demand for a retail manager with a built in special helper.

Then i have a light bulb moment.

Audley might not be suitable for my old profession but he is perfect to become a built in ventriloquist dummy.

All i have to do is convince Audley Creed.

‘I ain’t no dummy you arsehole so go and fuck yourself’

Oh come on Audley all you have to do is say a few words every now and then so we can make some money’

Because remember that if i don’t eat then neither do you’

Audley’s tiny head wrinkles in concentration as he ponders my statenent but when he realizes that he has little choice he reluctantly nods his head.

We practice our routine over and over for days on end until we get it down pat.

Audley is a natural comedian with what i would call a dark sense of humor.

So after a few try outs at some local pubs where me and Audley get a great reception i decide to audition for Australia’s Got Talent.

The audition goes better than i expected so i am excited to say that ‘Torrence & Creed’ will soon be appearing on national television.

I celebrate the occasion with a few friends at my favorite Italian restaurant where i enjoy a huge plate of lasagne with a glass of red.

Audley has his first taste of pasta and seems to be having a good time then the mood turns sour when he annouces’Bernie i think that our act needs a name change’

‘Torrence & Creed just doesn’t sound right i think that we should be known as ‘Audley Creed& Friend because i am obviously the star of the show’

I can’t believe what i am hearing’Why you ungrateful bag of shit,i literally brought you into this world and you have done nothing but bitch and moan ever since’

Now you have the hide to order a name change unbelievable’

If i wasn’t in a public place i probably have strangled the turd there and then.

Instead i order a shot of tequila and slam it down’Get that into you Audley you annoying little puppet’

I stumble to bed around 3 am drunk but still wide awake and i am pleased to say that Audley is looking a little green around the gills.

‘Jesus Bernie how much did you have to drink last night? i feel i shit’

Just a little mexican ju ju juice Audley and if you don’t start behaving yourself i will feed you a lot more and completely fuck you up’

Audley doesn’t reply and i notice that he has fallen asleep so i to succumb to the inevitable and close my eyes.

But i am soon awoken by a excruciating pain in my stomach.

Audley is clutching a huge knife in his grubby little hands and has used it to slice me open and separate his body from mine.

Now he stands on my chest as a ugly little monster then he slides in my blood and wraps his hands around my throat and squeezes’Thanks for everything Bernie but you have lived out your usefulness but now it is time for you to say goodbye’

I am desperately trying to break the stranglehold as the crazy as bat shit little turncoat continues to talk and squeeze the life out of me.

Luckily i manage to grasp a pair of nail clippers from the bed side table as my breath slips away.

I look into Audley Creed’s eyes as he continues to squeeze and ramble on and i know that i only have a moment before he crushes my Adam’s apple.

The clippers are slipping from my grasp but i manage to keep them in my grasp and plunge them into Audley’s right eye.

He screams in agony and curses me in every language known to mankind.

Then he scampers away leaving a trail of blood in his wake.

His blood glistens in the moonlight like a beacon and i am tempted to follow but i haven’t got the strength plus who knows what other weapons the one eyed midget might have at his disposal.

Then another thought enters my head.

Will the little fucker flee or return to finish me off?

To find out come back and read part two.

Because if you don;t then Audley Creed wont be pleased not pleased at all.


The Stairwell


, , , , ,

The summer of 2016 was unseasonably warm in northern England and Alistair Craddick a ruddy cheeked eight year old is outside enjoying the sun.

His favourite place to play is down by a creek that runs behind the house that he shares with his mother Beatrice.

Alistair sometimes hangs out with a couple of school friends but today he is on his lonesome.

A position that he prefers.

Some of the kids at his School are cruel to Alistair calling him nasty names like creep,weirdo,crybaby and mummy’s boy.

But Alistair is none of these things he is just a little shy and a bit different.

This morning he is collecting tadpoles and frogs from the creek and putting them in a jar to take home to cut open with a sharp pocket knife that he nicked from a neighbors shed a few months back.

Every time Alistair uses the knife he thinks about the kids who are mean to him and wishes that he could get some payback and hopefully one day he will.

The dark thoughts that are swirling around his brain has made him very hungry very hungry indeed.

So he puts the lid on the glass jar and heads towards home ;I wonder what mummy has made for lunch?’

They say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and in Alistair’s case the saying is somewhat true.

He likes to read and watch cricket on the telly just like his daddy did before he left home when Alistair was five.

And even though he want admit it he is a bit like his mother having a mean streak and a liking for all kinds of fatty foods.

Beatrice Craddick is a built like a brick outhouse with a temper that could scare the paint from the walls.

She has been described as a cross between nurse Ratched and Agatha Trunchbull a character in the movie Matilda.

And if you ever have the misfortune to meet her you will find it hard to disagree.

Alistair is well aware that his mother can be a little moody so he sneaks inside on tippy toes to try and avoid her wrath but a creaking floorboard gives him away’Is that you Alistair?

‘I hope that you have taken your shoes off because you know that i hate dirt in the house’

Her son cowers at her voice because he knows that she hasn’t finished yet’What are you hiding behind your back Alistair? Don’t you dare tell me that it is another jar of critters because you know what happened last time’

Alistair begins to shake uncontrollably because he remembers all too well what happened the last time he made his mother upset.

His body still hurts from the beating she gave him with a wooden spoon before throwing him in a heap beneath the stairwell.

Alistair looks down at his sneakers afraid to meet her eye then he sneaks a quick look over to the stairwell’Please mummy not the stairwell you know i can’t breathe in there plus last time i saw a cockroach as big as a bird’

‘Stop your whining you little shit before i skin you alive and feed your bones to the dog’

Alistair tries to run but his mother grabs him by the scruff of the neck and drags him to the cupboard door and shoves him inside the stairwell.

The door is locked and Alistair is now in complete darkness with nothing but a jar of critters and his thoughts for company.

Beatrice spends the rest of the day watching the soaps on TV as she devours glass after glass of her favorite red.

The wine muddles her mind and scrambles any rational thoughts until she reaches the point of no return.

Her boyfriend Joe has been nagging her for weeks about moving in with her and Alistair.

But Joe and Alistair have never got along so Beatrice knows that if she is to live happily ever after with Joe than her annoying son will have to disappear forever.

She crushes ten sleeping tablets into a glass of water unlocks the cupboard beneath the stairwell and hands the concoction to her son which the gulps down’Goodbye little one i shall see you again when i to reach the other side’

Alistair has no idea what his loopy mother is talking about but he smiles ‘Goodbye mummy’ than he closes his eyes and drifts into an eternal sleep.

But before he departs this world he whispers’Why mummy why? All i ever wanted was love’

Alistair’s body might of left us but his lost lonely soul is still very much alive.

Six months later

Beatrice Craddick the she devil who murdered her own son and had him entombed beneath the stairwell in her home is a troubled being because her diabolical deed is coming back to haunt her.

A week after she killed her son Beatrice she had a brick wall built to completely seal the stairwell and vanish any thoughts of her son forever.

But yesterday while she was doing some housework Beatrice almost died of fright when she heard a strange noise coming from the stairwell.

Now this morning as she prepares breakfast the same noise emits from her sons final resting place.

She slowly walks over to the stairwell and places an ear to the brick work.

Scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch.

Beatrice thinks that a cat or maybe a hedgehog has somehow found a way into the stairwell and is trying to get out but she isn’t quite sure so she has another listen’Why did you kill me mummy?I always tried to be a good little boy so why mummy why?’

Beatrice let out a strangled yelp before her eyes rolled back in her head than she landed on the floor with a thud that shook the foundations.

In the stairwell Alistair’s tormented soul twirls and twists in midair whilst beneath him a skeletal finger moves back and forth along the inside of the confined space.

Scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch

Joe Brummel,Beatrice’s dead beat boyfriend arrives home to find her sprawled over the living room floor.

He slaps her face a few times and soon after Beatrice comes around’What happened Beatrice did you have a dizzy spell?’

Beatrice is struck mute so all she can do is point a trembling hand towards the stairwell’What do you mean Beatrice tell me right this minute’

Receiving nothing but a strangled grunt in response Joe loses his temper and gives Beatrice a few savages kicks before storming out in a rage.

Beatrice crawls over to the stairwell and whispers’I am sorry Alistair,can you ever forgive me?’She puts her ear against the cold brick and listens but all she hears is

Scritch scratch scritch scratch scratch scratch

Sobbing in pain and regret she goes into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea and to give herself a few quite moments to think.

As she stirs a sugar cube into her cuppa the scratching in the stairwell gets louder and more intense.

Beatrice covers her ears in an attempt to block out the noise but the scratching from the stairwell just gets louder and louder.

In utter torment Beatrice scurries over to the stairwell carrying the teaspoon she used to stir her tea and begins to scrape at the mortar between the bricks.

For hours she scrapes away until her knuckles bleed and her shoulders ache but she makes little headway.

Behind the brick wall only four foot away Alistair’s bones jangle and jump as his soul dances around himknowing that a new beginning is nigh.

Beatrice is still scraping furiously at the mortar when an angry voice stops her in her tracks’What are you doing you silly cow?’

Joe stands in the middle of the room with eyes ablaze in anger and Beatrice has had enough of his bullshit’What does it look like you stupid prick i am trying to reach my son’

Joe just laughs’Hahaha what will you do then call the police?’

But Beatrice isn’t backing down ‘Pack your bags Joe and get the fuck out of my house and don’t come back’

‘I am going to the pub’Joe retorts’And when i return i will teach you a lesson that you will never forget’

In the stairwell Alistair’s bones are still doing the merry dance but now both of his bony hands scratch the walls of his prison at a furious rate.

As soon as her arsehole boyfriend leaves Beatrice gathers up all of his clothes and belongings and throws everything out onto the front lawn.

Than she rings the local locksmith to have the locks changed.

Beatrice sobs tears of pain and sorrow knowing that she wasn’t a very good mother to her son.

Than committing the ultimate sin and killing her own flesh and blood and entombing him in the stairwell.

How could she have been so mean and stupid?

Six hours later Joe arrives home in a good mood having won a meat tray and $500 on the poker machines.

But his mood soon turns sour when he notices his stuff strewn all over the front grass.

‘What in the fuck?’

His blood is boiling as he approaches the front door and when his key fails to work he goes ballistic screaming obscenities while he kicks repeatedly at the door.

In the stairwell Alistair’s soul twists and twirls in anger at the commotion.

Twirling counter clockwise the angry soul whips up the contents of the glass jar that Alistair was carrying on the day that he was murdered and one hundred tadpole and frog husks plus an assortment of flies and cockroaches that have littered the stairwell fly through a small gap made by Beatrice’s teaspoon and Alistair’s finger tips and descend on Joe like a biblical plague.

Joe is still swearing and shaking his fists when he is forever silenced when the horde of insects enter his mouth before he has the sense to shut it.

Beatrice rushes to the stairwell as the brick wall begins to crumble and fall.

A bony hand emerges first quickly followed by a skeleton in a somewhat human form.

Beatrice screams in total horror when she recognizes the being as her son Alistair.

‘Hello mummy have you missed me?’


Keep an eye out for part two coming soon

‘Ribbons of Blood (4) Dented and Demented’


, , , , , , , , ,

This story began about a year ago when the acclaimed novelist Victor Bradstreet suffering from a severe case of writers block retreated to his cabin in rural Virginia in an attempt to clear his mind.

Close to his destination Victor stopped at a general store to stock up with the essentials.

While walking the aisles he spotted an old olivetti typewriter sitting on a clearance table and on a whim he purchased the machine.

A decision that Victor would soon regret.

As he slept on the first night at the cabin the olivetti came to life and typed a novel that would go on to become a bestseller.

In return the typewriter demanded a taste of Victors blood and on refusa the murderous machine strangled Victor with its ink ribbons and ate the evidence.

Victors publisher Penelope Clutterbuck after hearing about Victors demise drove up to the cabin where she was also dispatched by the olivetti and devoured.

A local detective Lucas Peterson was sent to the scene to investigate but he along with Victors daughter Abigail were both also killed by the typewriter leaving not a trace behind.

Detectives Godley and Creme rushed to the cabin when their colleague failed to report in and after searching the cabin found it empty so they summoned a K9 unit.

Trooper Clyde Ybanez and his trusty German shepherd Monty arrive and the dogs nose picks up the scent of the missing policeman

Monty bounds straight inside to the kitchen where the olivetti sits looking all sweet and innocent.

Godley and Creme tease Trooper Ybanez ‘Well Clyde your stupid mutt has sniffed out a typewriter you must be proud of yourself?’

But the tune soon changes when the when the olivetti who cant resist the tang of fresh meat attacks Monty with its ribbons of blood and eats the canine there and then.

A SWAT team storms the cabin and restrain the blood thirsty machine with chains to the kitchen table and transport the murderer to a maximum security prison in Langley.

After a few days held in isolation the olivetti sweet talks a prison guard into its cell with the promise of good conversation and a cigarette.

But the demon machine reneges on the promise and eats the guard to ease its hunger pains.

The prison is thrown into lock down and the warden orders that a firing squad be assembled and at 6 am the following morning the olivetti is bind folded and blown to smithereens.

To make sure that the typewriter never gets the chance to kill again the metal shards are collected taken to a nearby steelworks where the shrapnel is thrown into a furnace and melted down into steel batons.

A few weeks later a steel Campbells soup can falls from a shelf in Denver Colorado and a small piece of steel breaks away and is blown towards Springwood Virginia.


Trooper Clyde Ybanez is at his house training his new K9 unit newbie a six month old Beagle named Buster who after only two weeks training is showing a lot of potential.

Clyde is still grieving the lose of his beloved German shepherd Monty who was devoured by a hungry olivetti.

Ybanez will never forget the day when he lost his loyal companion and most of all he is still pissed off over being ridiculed by the two cruel Detectives Godley and Creme.

Later that day Clyde visits his local bar in Springwood Virginia where he drowns his sorrow and pain with shots of Tequila and his mood turns sour when Godley and Creme enter and take a seat.

Ybanez knows that if he is spotted the asshole Detectives will make a scene so his downs his drink and disappears into the night.

As the trooper makes his way home 2000 miles away the small piece of steel that detached from the soup can in Colorado luckily gets stuck in the tread of a passing trucks rear tyre.

The driver of the semi has just delivered a load of vegetables and is now heading home to his home near Springwood.

All over the mid west thousands of tiny pieces of steel travel the highways and byways on a pilgrimage to Virginia.

Some of the shards are blown toward their objective by unseasonal winds while other bibs and bobs of steel hitch hike or travel by any available means until all 2309 pieces of steel reach Virginia and gather together in the basement of 25 Lowry Lane Springwood the very address of Trooper Ybanez.

Inside Clyde is sitting in the dark nursing a large whisky sour still steaming over his treatment at the hands of Godley and Creme.

The alcohol enters his bloodstream like a thunderbolt destroying any semblance of peace that remains in his body.

All Clyde needs is revenge against his tormentors all he has to do is come up with a foolproof plan.

After polishing off the bottle of liquid fire Clyde goes to bed with the dark thought embedded deep in his brain.

When his head hits his pillow a sinister smile lights up his face.

He will torture and maim Godley and Creme until they beg for mercy and once he is satisfied he will blow the two fuckers away on a bullet train to hell.

As Trooper Ybanez sleeps the 2309 slithers of steel begin to meld and intertwine in a macabre dance of metal as the tiny fragments become one.

Clyde wakes with a mouth as dry as the Sahara and a pounding headache.

After a quick visit to the bathroom he swallows a few aspirin and a cup of coffee he begins to feel a lot better.

But that soon changes when he arrives at work and runs into Creme in the change room of police headquarters ‘Well well well if it isn’t the master dog trainer himself’

‘How is your new dog coming along?

‘I hope he is better than your last mutt who couldn’t find a turd in a asshole’

Ybanez can feel his blood boiling as he listens to the Detectives words.

All he wants to do is squeeze the life from the loud mouth but police HQ isn’t the right place so he pushes past the cop and calls out to Buster his new K9 dog.

Buster is good but he isn’t in the same league as Monty but Clyde knows that the dog is still capable of becoming a good K9 unit dog .

While Clyde is at work a resurrection of sorts is happening in the basement of his house.

A misshapen form has taken its first breath of a new beginning.

If you look closely you might just recognize the shape as an olivetti typewriter.

The machine is bent and twisted out of shape but it is still a very dangerous beast.

Trooper Ybanez arrives home from work exhausted and after a quick meal and shower he goes to bed for the night.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

Clyde’s ears prick up at the sound of pure evil.

He sits up in bed willing the sound to go away but it doesn’t.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

How is it possible for that typewriter to still exist?

The murderous olivetti was blown apart by a firing squad then smelted down and turned into a steel can.

Maybe it is just a nightmare and he will wake up and all will be well in his world.

But Clyde knows that he is wide awake and that he has a huge problem on his hands.

He puts on his slippers and ventures down stairs to his basement where the sound is emanating from.

As soon as he turns on the light Clyde knows that he is in the middle of a real life nightmare.

Because sitting on his workbench is the olivetti looking a bit rough around the edges.

Even though the machine is twisted and dented the typewriter is mad and slightly demented.

Kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

Clyde’s heart is beating double time in his chest as he watches the keys tapping madly.

But with no ink ribbons intact no words appear.

Then a diabolical thought enters the troopers mind’Maybe i can use this killer typewriter to my own advantage’

‘Why should i kill Godley and Creme when i have a manic machine at my disposal?’

The olivetti is still chatting away as Clyde creeps away’Don’t worry Mr Olivetti i shall return with brand new ink ribbons and you can help me deal with a little problem’

Once upstairs Clyde goes online and goggles olivetti ink ribbons and after a quick search he purchases a set of ribbons for $29.95 plus tax.

And two days later a parcel is delivered to his door.

The olivetti has killed and eaten four people plus his precious Monty so he is very wary as he descends the basement stairs’Her you go Mr Olivetti i have brought you new ink ribbons so now we can have a proper conversation’

Clyde ties the ribbons onto the end of a long fishing rod and very carefully lowers the ribbons of death into the mouth of the olivetti.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

‘Hello Trooper Ybanez ,so we meet again’

‘Let me begin by saying how sorry i am about the death of your dog but he was delicious’

Do you have anymore tasty treats for me?’

Clyde blood begins to boil as the reads the words but he swallows his rage and talks directly to the crazy machine’Yes i do happen to have two more treats for you i just have to find them and bring them to you undetected’

With that Clyde storms away leaving the typewriter frustrated and hungry as hell.

Three days later Clyde enters his basement empty handed and in a filthy mood because Godley and Creme are away working on a case.

While he was at work the typewriter has been busy and Clyde picks up a sheet of paper that the mangled machine had spat out onto the floor

Clyde picks up the page and hurries back upstairs”I am glad that i managed to find you Trooper Ybanez because i think that we could become the ultimate deadly duo,the new Bonnie and Clyde if you will’

‘I know that you harbor a deep hatred toward two of your colleagues at work Detectives Kevin Godley and Lou Creme’

‘After i help you eliminate your enemies we will travel the country from coast to coast killing anyone who gets in our path’

Clyde reads the letter over and over throughout the night and comes to a decision.

He has no intention of joining the olivetti on a killing spree so once the two Detectives are taken care of he will dispose of the typewriter and return to a normal life if that is possible.

He opens the basement door and calls down’You have a deal Mr Olivetti ,first we kill Godley and Creme and then i will join you on a road trip that will tear this country a new one’

Down on the workbench the olivetti rubs its brand new ink ribbons in glee.

It can almost taste the blood of its next meal and at midnight the typewriter shuts down for the night safe in the knowledge that tomorrow promises to be a very good day indeed.

Upstairs Clyde has tossed and turned all night and at 5am he stubles out of bed weary and wired.

As he eats his breakfast his mind is doing cartwheels as he struggles to figure out how he and the olivetti can kill the Detectives without raising any suspicions.

Then suddenly the answer pops into his head.

If Mohammad can’t go to the mountain than take the mountain to Mohammad.

He enters the basement silently and as the typewriter snoozes he picks it up and carries it out to his car and straps it into the back seat.

He drives away in a daze until he reaches his destination a seedy motel on the edge of town.

After placing the salivating machine on the coffee table he phones the Springwood police department’My name is Carlos and i have information regarding the murders that happened up at Victor Bradstreet’s cabin’

‘I will only talk with Detective’s Godley and Creme and tell them to come alone or i will leave’

‘Room 6 Desert Sands Motel now’

After haging up Trooper Ybanez addresses the typewriter’Okay Mr Olivetti your next meal is on its way ,please eat at your leisure and clean up after yourself’

Leaving the door unlocked Clyde walks out to the car park to wait for the two victims to arrive.

Monty will be avenged.

Ten minutes later a squad car squeals to a stop outside room 6 and the occupants race inside without knocking.

A apprehensive Trooper Ybanez waits for half an hour before he to enters room 6.

The walls are spotted with droplets of blood but the ink ribbons are busy soaking up every last drop and five minutes later no trace of the Detectives remain.

On the coffee table the Typewriter burps in satisfaction and the meal has done its job because now the machine looks all ship shape and brand new.

Clyde is tempted to leave the murderous machine behind and go home but he doesn’t want put any innocent people in danger plus his fingerprints are all over the machine.

So he picks it up and drives home unseen.

On returning to his residence Clyde carries the olivetti downstairs and throws it into a dark corner of the basement.’I leave you now Mr Olivetti ,this basement is now your tomb so may you rot and rust for eternity you good for nothing chunk of metal’

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

The olivetti is furious as it pounds away at the keys but with no paper in the mechanism all it is doing is talking to itself so the irate machine shuts up to live and fight another day.

The disappearance of Godley and Creme hits the headlines nationwide and the FBI is brought to help with the investigation.

Trooper Ybanez is at home surviving on whisky and cigarettes half expecting the feds to break down the front door or the carnivorous typewriter to creep upstaies and strangle him in his sleep.

This goes on for three weeks until Clyde can’t take it anymore.

If he is to keep his sanity the olivetti will have to go away and this time for good.

Before opening the basement door Clyde takes a deep breathe sincerely hoping that the evil fucker is dead.

And as he descends the stairs it looks like his prayer has been answered because the typewriter looks deceased covered in rust and cobwebs.

Clyde quickly wraps the olivetti in three layers of duct tape to ensure that the deadly ribbons of blood cant escape.

Once again he carries the machine out to his car and drives for 15 miles until he reaches an isolated campground that he used to visit with his parents when he was a kid.

The one thing that Clyde hated about the place was sitting on the seat of the stinking deep drop shitter.

He had nightmares about falling 100 feet and landing on a steaming pile of prehistoric crap.

As Clyde nears his objective he has failed to notice that the layers of duct tape are beginning to fray and tear at the edges.

He pulls into the empty car park of the campground and retrieves the bundle from the back seat.

The stench from the shitter hits him like a ton of bricks but Clyde pushes on and a few minutes later he arrives at the temple of poo.

Opening the door he lifts the typewriter above his head and throws it down into the stinking effluent.

Satisfied that the machine is deep in the muck he turns away to begin the next chapter of his life when he hears a muffled

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

‘OH SHIT’ he screams and desperately tries to run but the ribbons of blood wrap themselves around his throat and Clyde is pulled towards the temple opening and silently he vanishes into the brown.

Will Clyde survive his ordeal or will he succumb to the fecal stream.

To find out come back and read the next installment and bring lots of toilet paper.




, , , , , ,

Ollie Wrigley is a thirteen year old bookworm and he is quite content with his lot despite a bad case of acne and hair sprouting here there and everywhere as puberty hits his microscopic body.

He spends his days munching on books and magazines of any genre and description but his favorite genres are thrillers where he can chew away and escape to a life full of danger and intrigue plus crime fiction where he can solve the case before reaching the final page.

The year is 1996 and Ollie’s parents are doing their best to keep their son well fed and happy.

To celebrate his 13th birthday they give him an old set of Funk & Wagnell’s encyclopedia to set munch on for many years to come.

As Ollie devours the volumes he gets he necessary roughage and fiber a growing bookworm needs plus getting an education at the same time.

When his parents aren’t watching Ollie sneaks off to his room where he has stashed a selection of horror novels plus a few well used porno magazines.

He reads a few chapters of ‘Cujo’ by the master Stephen King before settling down with an old copy oh Hustler that he has read many times before to great effect.

Ollie is really going for it when unfortunately for him he has failed to notice that he has wandered too close to the spine of the mag and his nostrils unknowingly take in a shit load of binding glue

He was spaced out for over a week so no more porno mag’s or sniffing glue for him.

At least not for a while anyway.

Just before his 16th birthday Ollie and his folks moved upstairs to the attic to get away from the hustle and bustle of a busy household but before they get a chance to settle in a big arse truck pulls up outside and the family and their possessions are transported to god knows where.

Ollie is scared out of his mind not knowing where they are being taken because he has read stories about concentration camps and gas chambers from WW 2.

His Father tells him to stop letting his imagination get the better of him but Ollie is still worried.

But he was worried about nothing because the truck parks out front of a huge place called ‘Old Kuntz’ retirement village and Ollie has a good feeling about his new home and he calms down.

His parents are relieved as well and soon they are deposited in their new digs on a book shelf in the communal library.

The perfect place for a family of bookworms to live.

A week after the move Ollie ventures out to explore his new surroundings and soon he is devouring a dusty old edition of Dickens ‘Great Expectations’.

It is heavy going but Ollie enjoys reading about a time long gone and the history of the period.

But he is soon brought back to reality when ‘Great Expectations is thrown onto a trolley leaving the little book worm hanging on for dear life.

His stomach lurches and his sphincter tightens as the trolley sharply rounds a bend.

Than his world stabilizes when the trolley stops at the bed of a little old lady and the Dickens classic is placed into her hands.

Ollie has read enough Dickens to last him a life time so he quickly grows bored as the lady turns over familiar pages so he slides down the binding ( holding his nose in case any of that pesky but soothing glue is nearby) and lands on the arm of the lady with a taste for the classics.

Ollie doesn’t quite know where he is going as the wriggles his way past hair folicles and bumpy age spots.

Than the elderly resident raises her arm to scratch her ear and Ollie grabs the chance to explore unknown territories.

He has a look around for an available food source but nothing is at hand so he wriggles forward and enters an ancient ear hole.

Ollie looks around in awe at the size of the huge cavern but there are no books laying around to snack on and he needs to feed soon or face starvation.

He notices a sticky brown substance growing on the walls of the cavern in abundance.

Ollie pokes his tongue out and has a taste ‘Not bad’ he mutters to himself and begins eating his first luncheon of icky sticky ear wax.

Five minutes Ollie is bursting at the seams and he couldn’t move an inch even if he wanted to.

So he closes his eyes and has a nanna nap.

He wakes an hour later feeling refreshed but strangely still hungry.

The ear wax has left him feeling empty and hollow like you do an hour after eating a shit load of Chinese food.

Ollie knows exactly what he needs and that is a book of substance that will satisfy his hunger and keep him alive another day.

But first he needs to escape from the cave of wax.

He ventures to the edge and looks around for some means of transportation.

Then by chance a single strand of grey hair drifts close and Ollie clings on and abseils down and lands safely where he quickly feeds on a musty old readers digest magazine.

The magazine has hit the spot and Ollie lives to fight another day.

It isn’t easy being a microscopic bookworm with a metabolism faster than a hummingbird on speed.

As he digests his meal Ollie gazes around the common room where a hundred old people sit around watching TV or playing bingo as they all wait for their final curtain to fall.

As Ollie watches the grey brigade fill in the day he remembers the soft gooey ear wax from yesterday and he wants some more and he wants it now.

He knows that he wouldn’t be able to climb all the way up to an ear hole and the treasure trove inside.

And as luck would have it a mosquito lands nearby and Ollie whispers in her ear’Take me to the nearest ear hole and i will be eternally grateful’

The mozzie takes off with Ollie on board and a minute later the winged beauty lands safely close to the entrance to the honey pot.

The insect dips her wing and Ollie slides down to enjoy his afternoon delight.

But when his body touches skin a movement catches his eye and SLAM a wrinkly hand squashes the mozzie in a cloud of blood and guts.

Luckily Ollie has managed to roll clear in the nick of time and he enters the cave of pleasure to have another taste of waxy heaven


Ollie had fallen asleep after his feast and is jolted awake by the loud noise.

But he soon realizes that he is hearing the voice of a man talking to someone about the good old days.

The voices echoes around the ear canal and Ollie is soothed by the sound.

He relaxes completely as he listens to the man narrate his life story to anyone who will listen.

Ollie is transfixed by the old timers story from his early years to a happy marriage to the love of his life .

A career as a train driver before ultimately getting old and ending up in a retirement home.

Father time catches up to everybody in the end.

When he man stopped talking it suddenly occurred to Ollie that he had just listened to his first audio story.

A fantastic kindle surprise.

Ollie squirms outside and has a little rest as he contemplates his next move.

When he looks to his right he notices twin openings in the middle of the mans face so he wriggles over for a closer look.

The enters the opening through a forest of thick nose hair and finds himself in a small space with blobs of green stuff everywhere.

The snot is very inviting so Ollie has a little taste ‘Not bad not bad at all’


Please don’t put a wayward finger into your ear to satisfy an itch because a bookworm might be on there having a snack.

And please please don’t pick your nose.