Chokka Blokka Quokka


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The following story is about a quokka who has a liking for junk food.


Eighteen kilometres off the coast of Freemantle WA is a small island named Rottnest.

Rottnest is known for its white sandy beaches and relaxed lifestyle.

But the islands main claim to fame is the quokka who has been described as the ‘happiest animal on earth’


Normally only about 150 people call Rottnest home but in peak tourist season that number can swell to 15,000 or more.

Which is good for the western australian governments tourism dollar.

But not so good for the quokka.


Deep in the hinterland a mob of quokka’s are minding their own business digging in the dirt searching for roots and grubs.

Amongst the mob live a family of four mum and dad plus their two sons Mokka and Bokka.


They are just loafing around enjoying the sun while they digest their greens when they are confronted by an old grey kangaroo ‘Why don’t you all go to the coast and check out the action?’

There are a lot of tourists there who like to feed all the native animals’

Mr and Mrs quokka have heard about the tourists,but there is plenty of food right outside their front door.

So why travel all the way to the coast?


But the kangaroo is very persuasive and Mokka and Bokka are excited about seeing the beach for the first time.

So the family of quokka’s pack their bags and head off for an adventure to the coast.


After three days of trekking through rainforests and dangerous terrain the quokka’s arrive on the coast sweaty and exhausted.

They cant believe how many people are out and about so they huddle together beneath a park bench while they catch their breath.


They notice other quokka’s running among the tourists and they seem friendly enough.

So Mokka works up some courage and walks toward a lone tourist while his shy brother stays behind with his parents.

‘Be careful Mokka ‘his father calls out’It is a dangerous place out here’

But Mokka isn’t listening he is busy checking out the sites.

He jumps and hops all the way to the waters edge.


He dips his paw in the water and does a little dance of joy.

Mokka waves to his family to come and join him but they are still wary of all the hustle and bustle.’Come on Bokka the water is fine you will love it’

But Bokka looks away and hides behind his parents.


But someone is interested in getting to know Mokka a tourist has followed him onto the sand’Come here little quokka and give me a selfie and i will give you a hot chip’

Mokka doesn’t know what a hot chip is but it does sound mighty tasty so he climbs onto the lap of the tourist and is told to cheese.

Mokka doesnt know cheese is either but he smiles for the lady and is given his reward.


He holds the little morsel in both paws and has a little taste’Yum not bad but it could do with a little salt’ so Mokka dips the chip into the ocean and swallows it down in one bite.

And with that first bite Mokka gets a taste for junk food.


He runs back to his family to give them the good news but they don’t want to know.

His father offers him a juicy leaf to munch on but Mokka has had a taste for the good life and he wants some more.


Later that night after his family has fallen asleep Mokka sneaks away for some more fun and adventure.

He smells the air like a dog hoping to pick up the scent of  hot chips and he follows his nose to a rubbish bin one hundred metres away.

Mokka dives right in and demolishes chip after chip until he cant eat no more.

He lays on the grass digesting his meal Mokka is as happy as a quokka can be.


Over the following weeks Mokka wanders the streets looking for hand outs from the tourists or going through the bins looking for scraps.

It is now over six weeks since Mokka has seen his family and he doesn’t really miss them because he is too busy cultivating his new lifestyle.


He is scratching his ever expanding belly while chewing on a dim sim when he is approached by another tourist’Excuse me but are you a quokka?

Mokka looks at the holiday maker like he is a complete idiot’Sorry i didn’t mean to offend you but i thought that quokka’s were small you look more like a wombat’

Mokka mutters a few choice words  that would make his mothers hair curl and the bewildered tourist wanders off.

Not only is Mokka the same size and shape as Eric Cartman he also has the temper to match.


Three hours later Mokka is slouching along feeling sorry for himself when he notices a fresh golden chip sitting in the middle of the boardwalk twenty metres away.

His eyes light up and he sprints as fast as his growing body will take him.

Squawk squawk squawk Mokka looks up to see a seagull swooping down toward the chip


‘I am telling you now Mr fucking Steven Seagull but there is nothing on this earth faster then me when it comes to taking down a hot chip’

Mokka and the seagull collide in mid air and for a moment time stands still.

The seagull claws and pecks Mokka until he starts to bleed

Mokka is struggling to stay in the fight and the seagull goes in for the killer blow.

But with the power of ten quokka’s Mokka stands his ground,grabs the seagull by the balls and squeezes tight.

And with a high pitched squawk the seagull flies away tender and defeated.


Meanwhile Mr and Mrs quokka have set up camp five hundred metres inland while they wait for their wayward son to come to his senses and return to his family.

Bokka can his his parents distress so he makes his way toward the coast.

He is determined to bring his brother back he will carry him if he has to.


But when he arrives at the beach Bokka knows that he wont be carrying Mokka anywhere without a block and tackle.

Mokka is now so big he is barely recognisable as a quokka.


Mokka is laying on his back surrounded by empty pizza boxes and fast food wrappers.

In his hand he holds a sign that reads’Will give selfies for food’

As he looks at his brother Bokka can feel his blood beginning to boil.

He scares off the tourists grabs hold of the sign and rips it into a thousand pieces.


Mokka knows that he is in bad shape.

But he  would do anything for a taste of sugar salt and saturated fats.

His eyes mist over as he watches Bokka fighting off the tourists carrying tasty treats.

‘Why is it that everything that is bad for you can taste so damn good?”


For over a week Bokka doesn’t leave his brothers side

He hand feeds Mokka fresh leaves and grass.

Everything that a quokka needs to stay fit and healthy.


Thanks to his brothers help Mokka is now back to his normal self.

He has returned home to his family deep in the heart of Rottnest.

And is enjoying life far away from temptation.




Ancient Ice


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Way back in millennia when the earth tipped on its axis and the ice caps formed’

A parasite found itself trapped deep in the ice unable to escape.

But now because of global warming the ice caps are shrinking at an alarming rate.

So soon the parasite will become exposed to the rays of the sun where it will begin to multiply and feed.


On the 26th January 2018 an icebreaker sailed from its home port of nova scotia on its maiden voyage.

The SS Indomitable has been commissioned by by a giant oil company to test drill deep into the ice of the north pole and surrounding areas on its endless quest to find new deposits of crude oil and natural gas.


The CEO of Axium Oil David Bertram has spent millions of dollars and countless hours trying to beat its competitors to find new discoveries of fossil fuels before the worldwide reserves run out.

And after  studying the latest satellite imagery Bertram is confident that there are huge deposits of oil and natural gas beneath the ice of the north pole.


The captain of the SS Indomitable Stephen Isbister is a crusty old sailor from Oslo has over thirty years experience sailing the high seas.

He has survived being attacked by pirates,hurricanes,mutiny and sickness and disease so Axium couldn’t have a better skipper at the wheel for this secret mission to the pole.

And if successful the north pole will be swamped by thousands of people drilling for the precious commodity.


Isbister is always happier when he is away from civilisation,just himself and a few crew sailing to God knows where.

And if he is able to keep the mission very low key he will receive a bonus from Axium that will be more than enough for him to retire to Spain.


After sailing through some very bad weather the SS Indomitable reaches its destination on 7th February and captain Isbister wastes no time in sending a scouting party ashore to set up a base camp.

The captain watches from the brig as ten men leave the safety of the icebreaker and drive toward the pole in two all terrain vehicles

Outside it is a brisk 2 degrees below zero blowing a gale and soon the two ATV’s disappear from view.


Driving the first ATV is the icebreakers first mate Patrick Sullivan,a fifty year old Irishman with a liking for whiskey and making money with the least effort possible.

Beside him sits a young Japanese engineer named Yukihiro Valdez Yamamoto.

Yuki is a man of mystery no one has ever seen his face,it is covered at all times by a scarf  or balaclava.

He took an instant dislike to Sullivan,there is something about him that made Yuki’s  instinct for people work overtime.

Sullivan is trouble and Yuki  knows that if he is to come out of this shit storm alive he will have to keep an eye on Sullivan at all times.

In the back sit an American navigator Randy Coultson a French scientist plus a Mexican cook who is shivering and cursing loudly in his native tongue


The second ATV contains five young riggers from Australia and New Zealand who are all muscle with very little grey matter between their ears.

But they are all hard workers  and will toil from dawn to dusk as long as they have enough to eat and have an endless supply of beer.


In the lead ATV Randy is navigating from the back seat using a rusty old compass that his grandfather gave him on his last birthday.

Even though the vehicle has all the mod con’s including GPS Randy points Sullivan in the right direction and soon they arrive at a snowbound log cabin that was built by Robert F Scott on his expedition to the pole in the late 1890’s.


The second ATV pulls in behind and all hands except for Sullivan help unload some supplies and carry them inside the cabin that hasn’t seen any human activity for over forty years.

Luckily for Jose the cabin cook the cabin has lots of wood on hand so he lights a fire and prepares a meal of chicken rice and beans.

In the morning he will venture out and hunt for caribou or moose and if worse comes to worse a rabbit or rat will have to suffice.


Sullivan sits at a table in the corner watching all of the activity around him he eyes them all with suspicion because he is hiding a secret of his own.

You see Sullivan is playing a very dangerous game because he has been employed by Axium’s biggest corporate rival Newflow Oil and Gas

The CEO of Newflow has told Sullivan to do anything in his power to sabotage Axium’s mission.

Even if he has to scuttle the Indomitable and swim home.


Sullivan radios back to captain Isbister that all is well and that the exploration will begin at first light.

Isbister replies wishing him and the others godspeed and a safe return.


At sunrise after a hearty breakfast the ten men climb into the ATV’s and drive the few miles to the drill site where Randy after checking the coordinates confirms that they are in the correct position.

So the drilling equipment is unloaded and after a half day wasted setting up the first drill enters the ice to a depth of five thousand metres.

Sullivan knows that they really should drill to a depth of ten thousand metres or more but hopefully the other dumb fuckers want notice his deception.


Yuki has been watching Sullivan intently and he isn’t a dumb fucker he knows that Sullivan is up to something and he wanders over to confront the Irishman’Excuse me Mr Sullivan but the probes aren’t drilling deep enough you need to go down to a depth of ten thousand metres’

Sullivan turns around to see the young Japanese engineer turned sideways so his face is hidden ‘Why i know that young fellow,that was only a test probe,tomorrow we will drill to depths never seen before’

Yuki smiles pretending to be satisfied with the response but he knows that trouble is afoot and he intends to stop Sullivan ant way he can.


Sullivan watches Yuki’s retreating back but he isn’t too worried because he knows that he will be the only one who will return to the Indomitable alive.

The other nine are now officially dead men walking.


Down in the ancient ice the parasite has been awoken by all of the human activity.

It knows that the time is nigh for a new beginning so it settles down to wait because it knows that soon it will feed.


Back at  the SS Indomitable Captain Isbister is bored.

You can only watch for polar bears and play solitaire for so long.

So he opens the bottom drawer of his desk and pulls out a bottle of bourbon

Just a shot or two to take away the boredom.

Where is the harm in that?


At 9 am the next morning the aussie and kiwi riggers are hard at work pulling up a probe that drilled way down into the ice.

When the probe reaches four thousand metres the parasite springs into action and hitches a ride to the surface.

At the drill site Randy Coultson the American navigator is helping the riggers bringing the probe to the surface.

He is thinking about his girlfriend back at home and how much he misses her.

At the same time that Randy is getting a hard on for his girlfriend the probe reaches the surface.

The parasite hones in on Randy’s frosty breath and and silently enters his left nostril.

Then after waiting for millennia the parasite crawls into Randy’s brain and begins to feed.


Randy rubs his nose as it begins to bleed plus he feels a bad headache coming on.

But he doesn’t want to let the team down so he tries to help the aussies and kiwis but he can’t keep going and collapses in the snow.


Sullivan notices Randy collapse and rushes over to help.

He couldn’t give a fuck about Coultson but his condition gives him an excuse to stop the drilling for the day.


Yuki has also been watching from the shadows.

He knows that captain Isbister is on a tight schedule so why shut down the operation because one man has a nose bleed?

He wants to confront Sullivan but decides to wait until he gets back to the cabin when he will radio the captain about the situation.


Back at the cabin Jose has prepared a meal of braised reindeer and potatoes but Randy isn’t hungry.

He is delirious laying on his bunk feeling like shit but at least his nose has stopped bleeding.

His clothes are drenched in sweat even though it is minus four outside.

Randy closes his eyes and prays for sleep.


Yuki is on the radio whispering to captain Isbister about how Sullivan is sabotaging the mission.

He tells the captain to communicate back to Axium and find out who Sullivan is really working for?

The captain doesn’t reply so all Yuki can do is hope that his message got through.


Aboard the Indomitable Captain Isbister  has polished off a whole bottle of bourbon and is asleep snoring loudly.

Nobody heard Yuki’s radio message it is now up to him to save his fellow workmates.


Sullivan is seething he has made a huge mistake not destroying that radio after talking to the captain yesterday.

Yukihiro Valdez Yamamoto will be the first to die and that is a promise.


After their meal the aussie and kiwi riggers begin to drink a beer or ten and soon the cabin is filled with their laughter.

As the riggers drink and carry on Sullivan watches as he waits for an opportunity to pounce.

He has to kill nine men before in the next day or so if he is to please his masters at Newflow and claim his one million dollar reward.


An hour later four of the riggers go outside to use the outhouse.

They are so drunk they don’t notice the biting wind or Sullivan who has followed them outside.

Sullivan pulls a knife from his hip pocket and with three quick jabs the riggers fall to the ground dead.

Then he drags the three bodies into the trees where the wolves should take care of the rest.


Yuki who has been laying on his bunk with one eye open notices Sullivan re enter the cabin and waits for the others to return.

But ten minutes and still no riggers Yuki screams at Sullivan ‘What have you done to the riggers you arsehole?

‘I knew from the start that you were trouble in  big way so now i will have to restrain you and take you back to the brig on the Indomitable’


While Sullivan and Yuki have been screaming at each other Randy has sat up in bed feeling like the living dead.

While he has been sleeping the parasite has fed on his brain and multiplied at an alarming rate

He is now nothing more then a barely functioning husk of a man.

But he still manages to crawl out of his bunk and make his way into the kitchen.


Sullivan and Yuki notice Randy as he walks into the room holding a huge meat cleaver.

They watch as Randy goes from bunk to bunk chopping almost decapitating his victims.

Jose tries to run but he is soon brought down as the cleaver almost cuts him in two.


Sullivan watches in amazement as  Jose falls in a fountain of blood.

Coultson has done the rest of the killing for him so now all he has to do is rid himself of the annoying Japanese engineer and he will be home free.


Randy looks at Sullivan and Yuki and takes a step toward them.

But for Randy his time is almost up the parasites have eaten most of his brain it is amazing that he is still standing.

He takes another step forward and raises the cleaver but then Randy;s eyes roll in his head and he falls to the ground stone cold dead.


Thousands of tiny parasites pour from Randy’s nose and mouth like rats abandoning a sinking ship.

Their host is dead and they need to find another if they are to survive.

And Sullivan is ripe for the picking


Sullivan tries to fight them off but is soon overcome as the parasites enter every hole in his body and begin to feed.

Sullivan can do nothing as he is slowly eaten alive.


With no time to lose Yuki grabs his suitcase and runs outside into the face of a blizzard

He jumps into the closest ATV and turns the key,nothing

The engine wont start.

Yuki screams in frustration as he turns the key again and again.

He is just about to give up when the engine splutters and fires.

Yuki doesn’t waste a second he floors it and gets the fuck out of there.


Yuki was concentrating so hard on trying to start the ATM that he didn’t notice a lone parasite land on the rear windcreen

He can barely see two feet in front of him as he drives toward the Indomitable.

The parasite wriggles over to the corner of the windscreen and breaches the rubber seal.

Now the parasite is inside the ATV.


Aboard the SS Indomitable captain Isbister is awoken by a truck horn blaring.

He reaches for his binoculars and looks out into the gloom and he notices a pair of headlights racing toward him.

As Yuki drives the final 500 metres to safety the parasite slithers along the roof lining and drops down onto Yuki’s hair.

It finds its way down onto an eyelash and enters Yuki’s body via an tear duct.


Yuki scrambles aboard the icebreaker when he is greeted by captain Isbister who quickly sobers up when Yuki begins to talk.’Captain we need to get out of here right now’

Captain i am telling you that we need to start the engines right this minute.’

Isbister shakes his head in sorrow ‘Sorry Yuki but we aren’t going anywhere because first we are stranded here until the blizzard breaks’

‘And second there isn’t anyone manning the engines’

‘We are the only two left alive’


Behind them a hand appears on the port side and begins to climb aboard.


Will Yuki and captain Isbister survive their ordeal?

To find out you will have to come back and read part two.




Eternal Thirst


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On the evening of the 20th March 2019 ten north Korean agents enter the united states through the Canadian border.

They haven’t travelled to the states to visit Disneyland or to see the sites of new York city.

Instead they are on a secret mission on the orders of their supreme leader Kin Jong-in.

Their mission is to create havoc and bring the united states of America to its knees.


1st March north korea

In the capitol Pyongyang Kim Jong-in is seething at the world and in particular president trump.

Since the U N imposed sanctions on his rogue nation he has struggled to keep his nuclear programme on schedule.

Plus he is loathe to fire any missiles at the united states directly,because he knows that trump will retaliate with his so called “fire and fury’.

So Jong-in has decided to attack by slealth and if he is successful president trump and his fellow Americans will be brought to their knees.


In a secret facility just outside of the capitol a young female scientist is hard at work developing a protein that that enzyme that will cover water molecules with a coating that will make it impossible foe people to ingest.

And after six months of working around the clock she believes that she has finally found the correct formula to satisfy the supreme leader.

The enzyme named MLD226 is now in the hands of the agents who have just infiltrated the USA ready to deliver fire and brimstone.


Those agents have split up and are on route to all corners of the states with each carrying a satchel full of MLD226.

Just a few drops of MLD226 is enough to poison a million gallons of water and after a week of crisscrossing the country fouling the waterways the agents mission is complete and they return home.


The MLD226 multiplies fast and in only a week it has flowed and seeped into every river creek and dam.

Now no American is safe and soon they will suffer a life worse then death


The Korean agents arrive home expecting a hero’s welcome and they are delighted when they are summoned to the supreme leaders lavish mansion.

Each of them is awarded the highest honour a medal declaring them hero’s of the people.

They drink champagne and eat food they have never tasted before and they hold their chests out as they shake the hand of their supreme leader.

But an hour later Kin Jong-in orders them arrested and the agents are driven to a field where they are blindfolded and shot by a firing squad and buried in an unmarked grave.

Now the secret of MLD226 is safe except for a young female scientist.


In Chicago Nancy Jones a vibrant 30 year old school teacher has just finished an intense workout at her local gym.

Nancy is desperate is lose weight and get in shape for her upcoming wedding and she is happy with the results so far.

She has a quick shower than sits on a bench to check her messages and have a drink of water.

She drinks her water bottle but is still thirsty so she refills it from a water cooler  and takes a long swallow but still she is thirsty so Nancy once again fills her bottle but after drinking she is even more parched.

So Nancy sits on the floor beneath the water cooler and drinks straight from the tap but after drinking a few gallons of water Nancy is feeling bloated but she cant stop drinking.

Nancy knows that she is in mortal danger but still she drinks,but her bladder can’t handle the volume of water and it bursts leaving Nancy Jones to die a slow agonising death.


All over the nation many Americans are experiencing similar symptoms of a persistant thirst that they cant squench.

The population drink glass after glass of water but are still thirsty

MLD226 is already starting to have a deadly effect.


People soon start to panic and break into stores in a desperate search for untainted water.

Supermarkets are stampeded as people drink water straight off the shelves.

But no matter how much they drink Americans all over their country cant quench their eternal thirst.

Soon the streets reek with the smell of urine as the population slowly dies from extreme dehydration


Hospitals and medical centres are over flowing as people seek a remedy for their relenting thirst.

But the doctors don’t know what  they are dealing with so their treatment has no effect to stop their fellow Americans from dying at a rapid rate.


The rivers and creeks soon fill with the bodies of people trying to drink the precious water but as their bodies start to decompose they have unknowingly made a deadly situation even worse.


On the Canadian and Mexican borders the authorites are stretched to the limit as they try to stop the exodus from the USA.

They don’t know why people are fleeing in panic from their homeland and one Canadian border guard fires his rifle to try calm the people but all he achieves to total mayhem as the people stampede across the borders.

Thousands of Americans have reached safety but millions of their countrymen are still in peril.


In the white house president trump is on twitter as he tries to find out what is killing his subjects.

For hours he sends tweet after tweet until that little blue bird refuses to tweet anymore.

He throws his cell phone away in disgust ‘How am I supposed to save my fellow Americans if I can’t tweet?’


He is interrupted in in is thoughts as the Director of the CIA storms into his office’Mr President you have to do something people are dying by the thousands and their in panic on the streets they need to see some leadership’

‘You need to address the nation and send in the national guard until we find out what is causing this disaster’

Trump runs his fingers through his hair ‘But Director what the fuck is going on? What is causing people to die in the streets?

Mr President we believe that some sort of contaminent has been added to the water supply’

‘And as we speak samples have been sent to the Centre of Disease Control for analysis so hopefully we will have an answer soon’


In north korea Li Lee Yum the young female scientist who developed MLD226 has also been summoned by the supreme leader.

She says goodbye to her fellow workers knowing that she might not make it back to work alive.

She is nervous because the supreme leader kidnapped her entire family a few months ago to give her even more incentive to complete her task.

And so she is hoping that her parents and her older brother are waiting for her when she arrives at the palace.


But when she arrives there is no sign of them as she is greeted by her supreme leader who shakes her hand ‘Welcome comrade Yum you have made your country very proud and it is my honour to present you with the medal of heroism’

As the supreme leader pins the award to her chest her eyes are drawn to a huge screen behind her leader.

CNN is broadcasting the latest news from the USA.

Her eyes widen in shock as she listens to the reporter telling the world that over two million Americans have lost their lives to dehydration

There is total chaos from coast to coast as  the population tries to quench the never ending thirst.


Li Lee Yum is grateful that her leader cant see her reaction as she watches the scenes from America.

She knew that when she was working on MLD226 that she was doing wrong but she also knew that she had little choice in the matter.

Because if she refused her supreme leader she and her family would have been executed on the spot


Plus Li Lee Yum is also guarding another secret.

She told the supreme leader that when MLD226 was being developed that the effects to the water in the USA would be permanent that there was no antidote but that was a lie.

Because within a month the water in America should return to normal as MLD226 starts to breakdown and dissolve.

So Li Lee Yum knows that she will have to find her family and escape north korea before the supreme leader finds out that she deceived him


At the Centre for Disease Control the director of the facility has his team of scientists working around the clock working on finding out what is fouling the water.

A few days later he is sitting at his desk when his phone rings

He listens as the lead scientist tells him that they have identified some elements of the enzyme that is poisoning the water

And that one element in particular,Omega 10, was originally found in north korea back in the 70’s.


The Director ends the call and immediately notifies the President.


In the oval office President Trump hangs up his phone and calls an emergency meeting.

Millions of his fellow Americans are dead and millions more might never recover from this act of terrorism.

And even though his recent phone call from the Director of the Disease Control Centre told him told north korea might be involved.

President Trump knows deep in his heart that his suspicions have been confirmed.


And when he gets the evidence he needs to bring the perpetrator to justice.

Then he will send the ‘little rocket man’ to a place hotter than hell




Part two is coming soon so keep an eye out.

An Aussie Abroad ( BC )


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I know that what i am about to do is a bad idea,but i do it anyway.


A friend of mine suggested that we grab a slab of beer and then test drive one of those segway contraotions.

The beer part sounds good but the segway bit has my knees a knocking.

You see i have no balance at all and can barely walk in a straight line now i am supposed to ride a segway.

I broke my arm riding a skateboard when i was a kid so i am not exactly thrilled with my friends idea but for a few beers i am up for the challenge.

But i also think that i should ring 000 and tell them to have an ambulance on standby.


By the way my name is Shaun Browne and i am 32 years old australian with brown hair and a full beard.

I like to have a few drinks at the pub with my mates after work and tell the odd tall story or two.

But this is going beyond a joke how am i supposed to ride a segway and somehow stay alive?


My mate Stephen Johnson has been in my ear for weeks with this segway crap.

He knows that i like to have my feet planted firmly on the ground

But a person can only take so much so we shake hands and agree to meet in the woolies car park at 8 pm.


I get there early and sink a few more beers and smoke a tasty bud working up some courage.

Stephen arrives and suggests that we have a bet to mark the occasion and after a bit of arguing we agree that the whoever rides the segway the longest without falling off will be declared the winner.

While the loser will have to run naked around the car park.

And no one needs to see my wobbly bits so that gives me a big incentive to win this bet.


Stephen tosses a coin to see who will go first i call heads and tails it is so i am not off to a good start.

I say a silent prayer and mount the segway and power up.

At this time of night in bundy the car park is almost empty with only a few scragglers doing some last minute shopping.

I hit the gas and take off real slow Stephen yells out ‘Come on Shaun get your finger out are you a man or a fucking mouse?’


Well i give a squeak and stroke my whiskers as i turn around and give him the finger.

Which was a huge mistake because i lost my centre of gravity and almost fell off.

Then a trolley boy decides to push his load right in my path ‘Shit’ I power up to avoid him and thought i had avoided a collision but one of the wheels must have hit the front trolley and i am airborne

But after performing a 360 with a half pike i land with style.


Stephen is jumping up and down waving his arms around like a madman and i wave back in triumph and give him a bow.

Then i hear the trolley boy scream in terror ‘Hey mister watch out’ I turn but have no time to react before i get flattened and smashed by a truck leaving the supermarket.

My last thought on earth was whether i will wind up in heaven or down in hell and i am pretty sure that i will soon be shaking hands with the devil.


Next thing i know i am floating on a fluffy cloud heading toward the biggest pair of gates that i have ever seen.

Then a figure appears and introduces himself ‘Hello Shaun my name is Saint Peter and i am the man in charge up here in heaven.But at the moment we are full so you might have a bit of a wait’

I am amazed that i made it up here and look over to those huge pearly gates in wonder’That is OK  Saint Peter i am a patient man take your time i can wait for years and years’

Saint Peter points over to a bench just near the gates and tells me to take a seat and wait until my name is called.

So i stroll over and make myself comfortable and wait.


I find myself walking along gravel path that winds its way through a brooding dark forest.

I immediately think of little red riding hood and the wicked witch and when i come to a bend in the path i am half expecting the big bad wolf to be lurking there.

But all i see is a big sign saying ‘Welcome To The Garden Of Eden’.


I walk into the garden and am surrounded by a grove of apple trees and as i go to pick a piece a voice pipes up behind me ‘ I wouldn’t do that if i was you,that fruit is forbidden’

I turn around to see a completely naked man standing there and he is well hung like a cashew.

I know that i shouldn’t really say anything but i point at the offending member ‘That thing should be covered at all times,use a fig leaf or something’


‘Adam where are thee? A young lady walks up to us ‘Hello Eve give us a kiss’

As Adam and Eve stand there holding hands i can’t help himself and i give Eve the once over.

But then i remember my loving fiance Anastasia and quickly avert my gaze.


Soon Adam and Eve are horizontal and really going for it

I reach into my pocket for my mobile phone so that i can record the action but don’t get the chance because Adam has finished already.

A serpent hands Eve an apple and she takes a bite of the forbidden fruit and well you know the rest.

I leave Adam and Eve as they smoke a cigarette and share a block of cadburys.


I keep walking along the path wondering what will happen next  when my beard starts to itch and tingle.

I scratch and scratch and a shitload of hair falls to the ground and i watch in amazement as my hair follicles start to form words

Head in a westerly direction until you reach the base of mount sinai  a well known local is about to make a big annoucement’

Well i have nothing better to do at the minute so i get my bearings and head west.


As i walk my beard is still annoying me as it tingles full of static

I know one thing that it isn’t full of and that is food crumbs.I havent

eaten anything since starting since crazy adventure and i would do anything for a pie and sauce.

And i would kill for some chips with gravy and a couple of pints.


As i get closer to my destination my salivary glands are working overtime.

Hopefully there will be a food van in the car park.

A kebab a works burger maybe even a custard tart,i haven’t had one of those in years.

Even a fucking frozen sausage roll

Just give me some food.


But when i arrive at the base of the mountain there isn’t a food van in sight there isn’t even a car park. ‘Where do they park they park their chariots?’

I walk towards the summit where i come across an old man with crazy hair.

This must be Moses.

Hi Moses i am Shaun,so what is the big announcement? ‘Well my son i plan to climb to the top of this mountain and then i will part the red sea’

I have another look at Moses and he reminds me of Albert Einstein having another bad hair day ‘Ah no offence Moses but it looks to me that you having trouble parting your hair let alone trying to part a sea’


Moses doesn’t seem to be discouraged by my words and starts to climb towards the summit.

When we arrive Moses raises his arms to the sky and starts to yabber in one of those foreign languages latin or hebrew i think.

And to my amazement the red sea begins to part with waves 100 feet or more filling the landscape.

Rolling and tumbling they form the perfect tube.


‘Jesus Christ on a fucking stick look at the size of those waves’ I realise that what i said might not be appropriate in my present company ‘Sorry Moses just a slip of the tongue’

Hey Moses can you should come home with me and part my local break,it would be a huge hit with the nippers’

But Moses isn’t listening he is bending down searching for something in the grass and after a few seconds he lifts up two huge stone thingymebobs.

What you got there Moses? Well my son these two tablets are inscribed with the ten commandments’

‘Tablets? you say Moses what sort have you got?’


Just then my beard starts to tingle and itch real bad.

I scratch and scratch and i realise that i am over this travelling adventure stuff now all i want to do is go back to the pearly gates and wait my turn.

But i cant resist looking down to see what words are written in the sand ‘Look for a cave just east of Jerusalem there you will meet your maker.Find the cave and you will be a chosen one’


I sigh as i read the words and my stomach reminds me that is it empty.

OK one last trip then i am out of here.

So i head off toward Jerusalem  with my stomach still screaming and after a couple of hours i am at my wits end.

Then from the corner of my eye i sense some movement and as i look over i see a huge boulder being pushed aside.

And a robed figure steps out from the opening of a cave.

Congratulations Shaun you are you only person to witness my resurrection please come to me my son’

I look at the somewhat familiar figure and i know that i have seen this bloke before and then it dawns on me ‘Jesus Jesus is that really you?

‘Yes Shaun i am Jesus of Nazareth the son of God the creator of all beings’

‘Jesus Jesus i cant believe that i am actually talking to you but can i ask you for a big favour?’

‘Maybe you can perform one of your miracles and whip up some tucker because you see Jesus i haven’t eaten in such a long time’

‘What would you like my son? My speciality is forty loaves and forty fish plus i also can turn water into wine’


‘Jesus Jesus there is no need to go to so much trouble just one loaf  and a snapper will surely hit the spot’

than Jesus surprises me when he replies in an aussie accent ‘No worries Shaun,i will prepare a meal of Barramundi and piping hot damper’

‘Cool Jesus you haven’t by any chance got a esky full of tooheys new nearby?’

‘Sorry my son i can turn water into wine but not into bottled beer’

No worries JC  just thought i would ask’


‘Jesus does his thing and before i know it i am chowing down on fresh damper and barra.

I dig in with enthusiasm and swallow every bite with zeal

‘Great meal Jesus you should open your own restaurant’

Jesus doesn’t reply he just bows his head in prayer and soon i am praying along with him.

Then i remember the voice telling me that if i found the cave i would become a chosen one.


I raise my head to see Jesus looking at me ‘Don’t worry my son i have some special plans for you.

My mind goes into free fall,what does Jesus mean?

I have met Saint Peter plus there is a Saint Paul a Saint Luke and plenty of other saints so why not a Saint Shaun?


‘Shaun Shaun Shaun wake up you have to go to work’

‘God what now i was just about to be canonised and was having a great time with Jesus.

I feel someone shaking me and i open my eyes to see Anna leaning over me ‘Shaun if you don’t get out of bed i will kick your arse all the way to Brisbane.

So it is no Saint Shaun for me but it is good to be home with the love of my life.




A Tree And Me


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The following is a story about a tree that has a lot more bite than bark.


I have just turned ten years of age and my life is about to change forever.

My parents have sold the our house in Glendale Los Angeles because we are all the way over to the west coast.

To a place called Providence Rhode Island.

I don’t like the idea of leaving all of my friends behind but what can i do? I am just a kid


A month later after a very long boring flight to the other side of the country we finally arrive at the airport.

Than a cab takes us to our new home in Providence

And as my father pays the cab fare i get my first look at my new house

It is a big two storey brick place with a good sized front yard

As i check out the house my eyes are drawn to a huge tree near the front porch


‘Nathaniel don’t just stand there gawking help your father with the bags’ That was my mom,Jean,and yes my name is Nathaniel and no you may not call me Nate’

I watch the taxi as it drives away and a part of me wants to chase it and go back to California but my mom grabs my hand and we walk towards the front door to start our new life.

But before we walk over the threshold my eyes once more look over to that big old tree.

There is something about that tree that i can’t put my finger on,it is just a tree but it makes me afraid very afraid.


But any thoughts about a creepy tree leave my mind when i walk inside my new house.

I run from from room to room like an excited puppy

Until dad tells me to go outside and wait for the removers to arrive.


Oh yeah,my dad’s name is Ben Seagar and he is the reason why we had to move east.

He taught english at a college back home but apparently he got an offer too good to refuse

So here we are in Providence Rhode Island.


As i sit on the front porch i get a feeling that i am being watched.

I take a quick look over my shoulder but there is nothing there but a branch from that tree.

I have another look and the branch is no longer there.

God my imagination is really going crazy and i tell myself to settle down and stop being stupid.

But than again that tree is over thirty metres from the house so how could a branch be so close to the house?


My mom calls out that it is time for lunch so i run back inside to grab a bite to eat

And just as we finish eating our ham and cheese sandwiches i hear the a truck driving up the driveway.

The removalist’s are here.

So we go inside and help the driver unload the truck but all i manage to do is to get in the way.

So once again i am banished to the front porch.


But i soon cheer up when i see my bed getting carried upstairs to my room at least i will be nice and comfortable tonight.

My happiness doesn’t last long because that branch begins to tap on the side of the porch.

I look at that creepy tree and the ends of the branch look a lot like human fingers.

‘Mom that tree is starting to gross me out i think it wants to eat me’

Don’t be silly Nathaniel it is just an old oak tree that was probably planted by the settlers two hundred years ago’


The following weeks fly by as i settle into my new school and i have made a few friends.

Life is good in Providence Rhode Island.

And that creepy old oak tree is almost forgotten.


Soon it is almost July when i will celebrate my 11 th birthday.

My parents tell me that they will be holding a party to mark the occasion and i can invite all my friends from school and dad will ask all our neighbours to come.

I said half jokingly’I don’t care who comes as long as they bring lots and lots of presents’


The big day arrives and mom is in the kitchen while dad is outside cleaning up the yard and he asks me to help him carry a table and some chairs under that old oak tree.

And for the first time in weeks i look at that old tree and my bone marrow freezes and my heart feels like it is going to explode ‘Dad i don’t feel so good,maybe we should cancel the party’

Dad laughs and ruffles my ruffles my hair’Don’t worry you are just nervous and as soon as your friends get here you will be as right as rain’


As usual dad is right because as soon as my friends Simon Brendan and Adam arrive we started to play and have a good time and soon all of my worries vanished  from my mind.


When it is time to eat everyone takes a seat and we all enjoy burgers and hotdogs that dd made on the BBQ.

My friends and i are wearing party hats and smiles ten miles wide and talking about baseball and all the pretty girls at school.

But i am also thinking about opening my presents and mom’s famous chocolate cake.


And sure enough the screen door slams open and mom is walking toward me carrying a huge birthday cake.

She puts it on the table lights 11 candles and tells me to make a wish.

So i close my eyes and silently wish for mom and dad to live forever and for peace on earth.

I know i should have stopped there but i have a few more wishes so i wish for lots and lots of money and good health.

But the one thing i wish the most is for that creepy old oak tree to just go away.


I want to open my presents but mom shoo’s me away so that she can clean up.

So my friends and i run around and play for an hour until we are dying of thirst.

But all we really want is more cake.


So we get some drinks from the cooler and more cake and sit around the table laughing and swearing like sailors.

Simon gets up to grab another slice of cake when he trips on a root and falls hard’Why you shit eating piece of pond scum trip me will you’ Simon yells at the tree but he is trying not to laugh.

We are also cracking up at Simon and his choice of language


Simon goes to give that tree a kick when his foot is grabbed by the root and held tight.

‘What the fuck’ Simon says as he struggles to free himself.I tell Brendan and Adam to go and get some help while i try to release Simon from the roots hold.

But as soon as i get close a root closes around my throat and starts to squeeze

Holy shit,i soon realise that i am in a lot of trouble and soon sink to my knees but then i remember the pocket knife in my jacket.

I pull it out and start to cut and hack at the root and just when i think that i am a gonna i somehow break free.

Simon is hysterical and screaming for help but than i hear a crack and look up to see a huge branch crashing down

I jump out of the way just in time but Simon isn’t so lucky and is crushed.


The adults come running outside but there is nothing that they can do.

911 is called and soon there are cops and paramedics everywhere

Mom guides me inside away from the grisly scene.

I am incoherent and can barely function.

A doctor examines me and soon i am given a sedative and drift away to sleep


When i wake mom tells me that the police are here and wants me to answer some questions about the accident.

I want to tell them that it wasn’t an accident and that my friend was murdered by the creepy tree.

But they would think that i was crazy and cart me away to the loony bin.

So i tell them that we were just playing when the branch came down and soon the police leave me alone with my feelings.


Mom soon comes to see if i am alright.

And i tell her that i am feeling better but that i have something very important to tell her.

So she sits on the edge of my bed and i start to talk’Mom it wasn’t an accident i saw the tree root reach out and grab Simon so he couldn’t get away’

The root also tried to kill me mom i am telling you it was murder’


I point out of my bedroom window where that old tree is looking all sweet and innocent’Please mom can we go back home to California?’

Mom gives me a kiss and wipes away my tears ‘Oh Nathaniel you are just distressed by your friend getting killed’

‘But i tell you what i will talk to your father about getting that tree cut down’


A few days later a truck pulls in next to the house and four men jump out.

Dad goes outside to greet them while i stay in my room and watch.

The workers remove axes chainsaws and some rope from the back of the truck and prepare to chop the killer tree down.


But first they stand around smoking and drinking coffee talking about god knows what.

They watch them jabbering for about five minutes until i cant stand it no more

I scream out my window’Hey assholes stop jerking around and get to work’

I look that tree right in the eye’Cut that fucker down and do it now’


The workers look up at me in surprise and stop there talking and get to work.

The chainsaws roar into live and one of the workers starts to cut but the machine gives out a screech and dies a death.

Hey Randy this tree is one tough mother i think it is time for the ‘beast’

The guy named Randy emerges from the truck holding what must be the biggest chainsaw in all of Rhode Island.

It is almost as big as the workers


Randy hands over the ‘beast’ and soon the sound of five Harley Davidsons fill the air.

I cover my ears as the ‘beast’ goes to work.


But soon i hear a loud snap and through a shower of sparks i see that the chain has broken and over a hundred deadly links are flying towards the house.

‘NO’ I scream but i know that it is useless.

I turn away as i hear both of my parents being ripped to shreds.


I am currently a resident of an orphanage in upstate New York

It is called an orphanage but really it is a home for lost and broken souls

I am sedated most of the time so my mind cant go back to that horrible day when i lost my mom and dad.

But through the haze i still remember.


I was told by a kind nurse in one of my more lucid moments that my parents were buried together back home in California.

I am happy that they will be with each other for eternity.

Now that i am alone in the world with no one to love and no one to love me.

I come to a decision.


I ask the kind nurse if she could drive me to the house in Providence so i can get some closure.

But mainly i want to confront that tree.


As the nurse drives she tells me all about herself and how happy she is with her life.

I am happy for her but it is time for me to enter the next world.

When she drives up the driveway i am aware of the sense of danger in the air.

And there isn’t a sound even the birds and animals know to give this place a wide berth.


Than without a word i walk toward that creepy old oak tree.

The tree opens its branches and bends down to welcome me.

I take my final breath and walk to my death.

I am engulfed and gladly go to my demise.

Now i am where i want to be

Revenge will be mine.









Whole Lot Of Trouble ( 2 )


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In part one I introduced you to a nine year old boy named Billy Faulkner who coming home from school one day came across an abandoned kitten.

He immediately fell in love with that ball of fluff and took it home.


But Billy soon found out that looking after a kitten isn’t easy.

First the kitten was sick all over Billy’s bed sheets so Billy waited until his mother had gone to bed.

Then he took the sheets into the laundry and put them into the washing machine where the kitten bumped a one pound box of soap into the washer.

And in the morning Billy was confronted by an angry mother and a house full of suds.

He couldn’t see his mom but he sure could hear her ‘What have you done this time mister you are grounded for a month,now go back into your room and think about what you have done while I clean up this mess’

The kitten follows Billy oblivious to the trouble that  he has caused and with a meow he knows that there is more trouble to come.

He has only just started.


Part Two

It is the first of December and Billy is helping his mom put up the Christmas tree.

While they erect the tree branch by branch bauble by bauble trouble the kitten watches proceedings from a safe distance.

Once all of the decorations are carefully arranged and about a thousand lights are draped from every branch of the tree.

Billy’s mom plugs in the lights and turns them on.


Well the kitten goes completely ballistic running around the room like a headless chicken until it finally takes off down to the safety of the basement.

Billy and his mom are in stitches as they watch the kitten disappear.

But they soon recover and settle down to watch some TV while stealing glances at the shiny big tree.


A while later trouble builds up the nerve to enter the living room where it sits on the floor next to Billy looking at the alien in the room with a mixture of fear and complete bafflement.

He sits there for over twenty minutes waiting for the right time to spring an attack.

Then he gets up onto his haunches and springs into action.

He lands halfway up the tree where he soon finds out that he has bitten more than he can chew.

Trouble scrambles to the top of the tree and hangs on for grim death.

He wriggles his tail around trying to get a better hold where it becomes tangles around a dozen or more Christmas lights.

Trouble starts to panic and he bites at the cable holding the lights.

Well a shower of sparks fill the room and all the lights go out and Billy and his mom watch in amazement as a little furry comet flies across the room.


A week later after a visit to the vet Trouble is given the all clear and Billy takes the kitten back home.

He looks at the singed and sad kitten’Dont worry Trouble the vet said that your fur will grow back in a month or so’

‘Hey maybe I should have called you Smokey?’ Billy laugh’s until it hurts.

Trouble the kitten doesn’t see the funny side and with as much dignity as he can muster slowly leaves the room.


Trouble quickly recovers from his injuries and once more he is doing what cats do.

That is getting into trouble and hunting for it’s prey.

First he wanders down to his favourite room in the house the basement.

Here he has lots of room to run around plus the room is also full of mice.

And over the next three hours he catches about mice.

Where one by one he carries those rodents up to his masters mothers room.

And with great dexterity he arranges his kill around her pillow.


At 4 06 exactly the whole neighbourhood wakes to an almighty screech.

Is someone being attacked?

Have the little green men from Mars finally attacked?

Billy wakes with fright but soon realises that the sound is coming from his mom’s room so he jumps out of bed and races to the scene of the crime.

God it sounds like ma is giving birth to a baby hippo’


Billy runs into his moms room to find a shit load of mice scattered around the room

And a proud kitten standing in the corner.

‘Billy that cat has got to go it almost give me a heart attack,that cat is nothing but trouble’

But mom he is only showing you how much he likes you’

‘The mice were a present’


Sorry Billy but first thing in the morning that kitten is going to the pound’

‘You can get another about a goldfish or a hampster or maybe one of those nice pet rocks?’

But mommy I want to keep my kitty,please please one last chance?’

Sorry Billy but my nerves can only take so much”


Billy picks up his kitten and runs back to his room in distress.

He knows all about the pound Trouble will go there and after a while he will get the needle.

Go to sleep and never wake up.

Billy will never let that happen so he paces around his room trying to think of a way to convince his mom to let him keep Trouble.

And soon a cunning plan enters his brain.


He picks up Troubles food and water bowls opens his bedroom door to check that the coast is clear.

Then he creeps down to the basement with Trouble hot on his heels.

He sits on the floor cradling his kitten in his lap ‘OK Trouble you will have to stay down here for a while until mom comes around’


Trouble senses his masters sorrow and meows in sadness and after a few minutes Billy hugs his kitten and tells him to lay low and stay out of trouble

Then he goes  back to his bedroom and opens the window.


In the morning  Billy enters the kitchen where his mom is preparing breakfast.

Mom Trouble escaped last night I think he must of jumped out my window and run off into the fields’

Billy looks all sad and he even manages a tear or two.

His mom gives him a skepical look but soon realises that her son is crying ‘Oh Billy it is for the best,Trouble will be wild and free and who knows maybe he will find his family”

Billy nods and produces a few more crocodile tears.


Over the following days and weeks Billy plays with Trouble when his mom is out shopping or at work.

But that all changed on the night of 2nd February.


It started out as any other day Billy had come home from school he had a snack then went down to the basement to visit Trouble.

A couple of hours later his mom came home from work carrying a huge bucket of KFC.

Billy and his mom sit on the couch with the bucket of chicken between them as they watch the Simpsons on the tube.

Billys mom has had nothing to eat all day and she is swallowing way too fast and soon a bone gets lodged in her throat.


Meanwhile down in the basement Trouble is half asleep waiting for his master to bring him some food.

When the smell of fried chicken hits his nostrils.


Up on the family room Billy is running around not knowing what to do.

His moms face has gone from red to a nasty shade of purple.

The situation is getting deadly serious.

Billy calls 911 on his cell phone hoping that they get here real quick.


Trouble is halfway up the stairs when he hears his masters cries for help.

So he takes off like a cheetah chasing down a gazelle.

And right away he notices the female in distress.

Luckily for Billy Trouble knows exactly what to do.

He climbs up the curtain onto a bookcase and without a moments hesitation launches himself into thin air.


Billy is still talking to 911 when he looks up to see trouble flying through the air.

Trouble the first cat in space.


Billys mom is in a really bad way almost at heavens door when Trouble lands on her chest with a thud.

The chicken bone is dislodged from her airways and ricochets around the room

The paramedics soon arrive and after and Billy’s mom is given the all clear.


Billy gives his mom a big hug and welcomes her back to the land of the living.

Then they both look over to Trouble the hero and saviour.


But Trouble is oblivious to all the attention.

He is way to busy chewing on that pesky chicken bone.

And I get the feeling that he is here to stay.

He isn’t going anywhere.





Ribbons Of Blood


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This is a story about writers block and a killer typewriter.Enjoy


Everyone has heard of Victor Bradstreet,a multiple award winning author of crime and suspense novels.

He has been the master of the genre for over 25 years with over 100 million books in publication.

Eight of his novels have been adopted to the silver screen with ‘Death Before Awakening’ winning an oscar.

But that was four years ago.


Today Victor is sitting at his desk in his private hideaway in Springwood Virginia the perfect spot to get away from it all and write.

But Victor hasn’t written a word in months,he went to Virginia to try and cure a bad case of writers block,but so far it hasn’t worked.

He thought that going up there from L.A would give him some inspiration,but all he has achieved since arriving is sit around full of self pity while drinking  bottle after bottle of the finest bourbon.


As he takes a long pull from a glass of the amber liquid Victor sighs in desperation and despair.

Since he started writing when he was a teenager he has never had any trouble writing,usually his fingers fly over the keyboard as his thoughts turn into words.

Victor doesn’t know what he has to do to defeat his writers block ,so  he sits at his desk as the day turns into night.

At midnight after polishing off another yet another bottle Victor staggers to his feet and goes to bed.


In the morning Victor wakes up with a huge hangover his head is throbbing and his stomach churns threatening to bring up its contents.

He stumbles out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom and as he stands there emptying his bladder he pears at his reflection in the bathroom mirror and he doesn’t like what he sees.

Victor is a proud man and has always tried to look his best but now as he looks at himself in the mirror an old man looks back at him.

Victor knows that he has  been drinking too much because of his inability to write,he looks at the old man and mutters ‘Where have all the words gone?’


Around lunchtime Victor decides to drive into town to pick up some supplies,anything to get away from the confines of the cabin and get some fresh air.

So he jumps into his BMW puts on his seat belt and listens to Tom Petty sing ‘Free Falling’ on the radio,and for a few minutes Victor forgets all about his writers block as he sings along.


But when the song is over he remembers an email he received from his publisher about a week before he drove up to Virginia’Dear Mr Bradstreet,this is your final reminder about  the manuscript for your new novel that is now six months overdue.If said manuscript isn’t delivered to our office within 30 days you will be in breach of contract.

Therefore we will begin legal proceedings to recover the five million dollar advance we paid you’


As Victor continues to drive his knuckles turn white on the steering wheel,he has earned his publishers a lot of money and they threaten to sue him?.

Maybe he should send the advance back to the ungrateful assholes and retire down to New Zealand or Australia.

But no goddamn it i am a writer and i need to write so i will write again.Fuck em.


When he arrives at his destination he enters the general store where he is greeted by the owner.a friendly old man named Albert Finnegan.

Victor and Albert exchange greetings in passing as Victor picks up a basket and wanders the aisles picking up essentials like milk bread cheese and of course a few bottles of bourbon.

As he places some canned beans and pork into his basket an object in the corner of the store catches his eye.

Sitting on a rickety old table gathering dust is a beat up old olivetti typewriter vintage 1070 or so.


Victor rubs his hands over the machine like a teenager in lust,he has to have this typewriter and he will have it.’Hey Albert do you have any paper for this old olivetti?

‘Sure do Mr Bradstreet,i will throw in ten reams for nothing if you take that thing off my hands’

Something in Alberts voice concerns Victor and he looks over at the old man behind the counter but he seems to be okay.

For a moment there it sounded to Victor that Albert was almost afraid of the dusty old typewriter.


At home Victor packs away his groceries and goes back outside retrieve the olivetti from his BMW.

He opens the rear door bends down to pick up the typewriter but it isn’t there,Victor scratches his head he could have sworn that he put it on the back seat,maybe he left it back at the store?

Then he notices the typewriter sitting loud and proud on the front seat,how can a typewriter change seats?

Then Victors skin crawls as he takes a closer look not only has the olivetti changed seats but it has transformed.

It is no longer an old beat up dust covered machine,now the typewriter is shiny and gleaming like it was made in the factory last week.


With some trepidation Victor carries the typewriter inside and places it in the middle of the kitchen table.

Then he opens a ream of paper and feeds a sheet into his new typewriter and types a title that has haunted him for months’Graves Of Murder’.He pours himself a drink and settles down to write his new novel.

But after an hour not a single word has been typed,Victor empties his glass then throws it at the wall where it explodes in smithereens.

Victor wails at the moon than he hangs his head and starts to cry.


kerclack kerclack kerclack kerclack


Victor looks up in surprise as the keys on the typewriter  go up and down of their own accord,typing at about 100 words a minute.

Victor looks on in wonder and feeds page after page into the machine as it continues to type for the next three hours.

When the olivetti stops typing Victor pulls out the final page he gathers the manuscript together and starts to read’Holy shit! This is good,it is some of my better work’

‘I haven’t written this good in years’


Victor sends the manuscript off to his publisher and a week later he received a reply

‘Congratulations Victor ‘Graves Of Murder is your best novel to date and it is sure to top the bestseller list from coast to coast.

We here at crondon press were worried there for a while but now i can see that our worries were unfounded because you you are back with a venegeance,look forward to your next novel

Victor beams with pride and looks over at the typewriter.

And the typewriter looks back.


‘Graves Of Murder’ is published to instant acclaim world wide.

Victor does the talk show circuit where he soaks up all the praise and applause.

No way will he retire,now that he is on top of the game again,he can’t wait to get back to his hideaway so that his olivetti can type him another best seller.


When he arrives back at his cabin the first thing he does is feed a sheet of paper into the olivetti,he types in the title Dead Forever’ than he runs upstairs for a qick shower and a change of clothes.

But as he walks downstairs after freshening up he is instantly hit by the sound of silence,he enters the kitchen where he unleashes on the machine’Come on you fucker write  me another best seller and write it now mister or there will be hell to pay’


kerclack kerclack kerclack kerclack


‘Why you ungrateful piece of shit,I have turned your life around you are on the best sellers lists all over the world and all you do is abuse me and threaten my existence’

‘Because i am telling you now that unless you feed me and treat be kindly only one of us  will survive and it wont be you’

‘So shut the fuck up and feed me feed me now’

Victor leans forward and types’Feed you what?


kerclack  kerclack kerclack kerclack


‘Feed me your blood right here and now or i can guarantee that you die a horrible slow death’

Victor reads the words with horror Who does this fucking typewriter think it is.I am the master in this relationship’

But he is desperate to remain on the best seller list so he grabs a knife and pricks his little finger and watches as his blood drips onto the typewriter ribbons.


kerclack kerclack kerclack kerclack


What the fuck? I don’t want a snack i want the main course so give me a good feed or face the consequences’

Victor takes a deep breath rolls up and sleeve and opens up his left wrist,his blood flows into the olivetti and is swallowed down and in swallowed down with satisfaction.




Victor feels himself going into shock as he listens to the typewriter digest his blood.

The cut on his wrist is deep but not life threatening,he opens the first aid kit and applies a pressure bandage.

And his blood ceases to flow.


Victor is scared as he eyes the evil typewriter he likes being a great writer again and achieving worldwide fame.

But he doesn’t want to die to satisfy the thirst of a olivetti,so he decides that he will ditch the typewriter and go back to writing the old fashioned way.

So he sneaks up behind the typewriter and carries it out to the backyard where he throws it to the ground.

He goes to the shed and returns with a can of lighter fluid,he sprays the typewriter and sets it alight.

‘Burn olivetti burn’


Victor goes back inside glad that he is now free from that blood sucking typewriter,he pours himself a large bourbon to celebrate and settles down to write.

With his favourite mont blanc fountain pen in hand and a calfskin pad in his lap Victor is confident that the words will soon fill the page.

But after hours of willing and pleading to his pen to start writing another best seller nothing is written not even a title.fVictor enters the kitchen to make himself something to eat and to occupy his mind  for a while.

And as he cleans up the cant help but to notice the smouldering typewriter out in the yard.

Part of him wants to run out and put out the fire,but instead he goes upstairs brushes his teeth and retires for the night.


kerclack kerclack kerclack kerclack


Victor wakes up so fast he almost bounced out of bed

Was that really the sound of a typewriter that woke him up? He puts on his dressing gown and creeps down the stairs in dread.

The smell of burnt metal hits his nostrils like a sledgehammer and the back door is wide open.

He peaks around the kitchen door frame and his eyes open wide in terror because sitting in the middle of the kitchen table sits a burnt twisted hunk of metal.


One look is all that Victor needs he grabs his car keys from a side table and races toward the back door and he is only a few feet from freedom when his airways are blocked off.

The olivetti  seeing Victor trying to escape throws out its blood soaked ribbons like a fisherman casting his net.

The ribbons from hell wrap around Victors throat and pull him in foot by foot.

Victor struggles as hard as he can,but he can’t himself being pulled back toward the murderous typewriter.


kerclack kerclack kerclack kerclack


‘I warned you Victor but you chose to disobey me,so now you can go to hell and burn for eternity like you burnt me’

Victor no longer has the strength to resist the typewriter and now he stands near the machine as the ribbons squeeze tighter and tighter.

Then with a final show of power the ribbons tighten like a vice and Victors head is separated from his body and lands on the thirsty typewriter where his blood satisfies the hungry olivetti.


After its meal the typewriter sits on the kitchen table savouring the blood while it waits for the police to arrive.

And even out here they surely will even if it takes a week.

The flies will make sure of that




I hope you enjoyed my story and don’t mind waiting awhile because part two Tie A Red Ribbon’ is coming soon.

Albuquerque Turkey


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Over in Albuquerque new mexico there is tension in the air.

People walk the streets in trepidation because they sense that something is going down.

Nobody knows who how or why.

But there is one thing for certain feathers are about to fly.


If you travel south from Albuquerque the suburbs gradually give way to agriculture and you will arrive at a small town named los lunas.

The area is dotted with apple groves and peach orchards but los lunas is mainly known for its turkey farms and processing plants.

Where they process over 500,000 birds everyday.

But for the people in and around Albuquerque there will soon be hell to pay


gobble gobble gobble


In an isolated turkey farm a female bird is sitting near the perimeter fence crying and shaking in distress.

All of her friends have disappeared one by one and she hasn’t got a clue where they have gone or why they haven’t come back.

Then she hears a scratching sound from the woodland near a dusty trail.

She looks up as a male turkey steps into view and he is looking in her direction.

He wanders over for a gander and to see what all the crying is about.

The female is sitting all lonely weeping and sobbing in the dirt.

While the male walks a little closer and by the way his name is Bert.


gobble gobble gobble


The female who is named Hilda is shy at first but she soon opens up and tells the male turkey about her friends who have vanished.

She tells him how her friends were all loaded onto trucks and driven away to god knows where.

As the female turkey continues to talk( they tend to do this a lot) Bert gets a funny feeling beneath his skin.

And it isn’t from the stuffing or constant basting.

He needs to get to the bottom of this right now and time is wasting.


Bert knows that the trucks hold the answer to the vanishing turkeys.

Maybe the turkeys have just gone on a day trip or are visiting relatives in California?

But than again why don’t they ever come back?

He reaches out a wing towards the fence to pat Hilda goodbye when he blown back twenty foot.

He tumbles head over parsons nose and lands with a heavy thud.

Hilda calls out ‘Sorry I forgot to tell you that the fence is electrified.’ Bert cant answer because he has been roasted baked and totally fucking fried.


gobble gobble gobble


But Bert is made from giblets of steel so he just shakes his drumsticks and slowly gets to his feet.

His wattle and snood turn red in anger and defiance and smoke appears from beneath his tail feathers.

With a wave to Hilda he waddles off towards his home in Arizona and as he walks he keeps an eye out for a wily coyote.

When he gets home he will report back to his boss colonel guajolote.


Colonel guajolote is the biggest meanest turkey in the while mid west.

He stands four foot tall with a body scarred from many fights and battles.

The colonel also sports a patch over his left eye from sticking his nose in where it doesn’t belong.

At the moment he is annoyed after been awoken from his midday slumber but he listens intently as Bert his messenger tells him about the goings on over in Albuquerque.

His snood has turned deep purple and his wattle bobbles around performing a little war dance.

He silences Bert with a deadly stare as he gazes in the direction of new mexico.

His enemies will never forget the destruction that he is about to bring.

The fight hasn’t started yet but the bell is about to ring.


gobble gobble gobble


Early the next morning a band of wild turkeys march off in formation towards the battlefields over near Albuquerque.

They know that they are marching into battle but they are all seasoned veterans.

So the turkeys all moved forward with their chests puffed out and with feathers freshly preened.

The turkeys stick to the back roads and forest tracks as they head west.

These birds aren’t over stuffed or under baked they are the best of the best.


When they reach the farm two days later Bert warns colonel guajolote and the other turkeys about the electrified fence.

Their feathers stand on end as static fills the air and they stand at attention waiting for further orders.

Colonel guajolote realises that they can’t go through or under the fence so he will have to come up with a different plan of attack.

Because not only is the colonel big and mean and mighty unclean but he is also the most battle savvy bird in the flock.

To colonel guajolote there is no such thing as a roadblock.


gobble gobble gobble


The thirty odd turkeys hide in the underbrush as they watch the farm with binoculars.

Every now and then a truck will pull in and leave with a full load of healthy looking birds

Where do they go ?And why don’t they ever return?

Colonel guajolote shakes his head in frustration as he watches the truck drive away.

He is getting too old for this shit all he ever wanted was a loving wife and a field full of corn.

But here he is running around like Jason freaking Bourne.


He mightn’t be Jason Bourne but he is still one mean mother plucker.

And he wont rest until he finds the missing turkeys so he tells his warrior turkeys to keep watching the farm.

While he takes a ride on one of the trucks to see where they go to

So when the next truck starts to pull out he jumps up and hitches a ride.


When he looks at the turkeys on the truck he notices that they aren’t happy at all.

They are crammed into crates where they cant move eat or drink.

The colonels blood begins to boil as he looks at his fellow turkeys looking all sad and forlorn.

Then the air brakes sound the truck has reached its destination.

The colonels heart burns in his chest with a sinking sensation.


gobble gobble gobble


Straightaway he smells the stench of blood shit and death and he hangs his head in distress

He now knows why none of the turkeys ever return home.

Soon the crates of turkeys are unloaded by a forklift and disappear inside the factory.

The colonel takes a deep breath as he waddles toward the front door.

The turkeys pain and suffering digs deep in his craw.


When he opens the door he has a quick look around then puts on a white coat and a hair net and makes his way over to reception.

The receptionist looks up to see the ugliest man she has ever seen approach the counter.

Hello my name is Gilbert Guajolote from the Albuquerque  Health Board and I am here to inspect the facilities.’

The receptionist checks the appointments for the day”I am sorry but there is nothing here about any inspection today’

The colonel stands up straight and leans over the counter ‘Of course there isn’t so please go and inform the manager that I am here and make it snappy’

The receptionist smiles but she isn’t very happy.


gobble gobble gobble


A harried looking man soon arrives and is taken aback by the appearance of the inspector,surely he is the ugliest man on the planet.

‘Sorry for the delay my name is Harry Bastingwand please follow me’

Colonel guajolote breathes deep and steps over the threshold.

But the sight before him soon stops him in his tracks.

Hundreds and hundreds of dead featherless turkeys swing above the production line.

The colonel soon recovers and faces his fallen comrades with a quivering beak.

He raises a wing in a heartfelt salute turns on his heels and gets the fuck out of that murderous place.

Tome would surely stop if it saw the look on his face.


Once outside the colonel looks up to the heavens and screams a mighty war cry.

It echoes up and down the hills and valleys in new mexico Arizona and some say it was heard in Nevada and down to texas.

All of the wild turkeys in those states look to the sky and listen to the call to arms from the head of all turkeys.

A cry for freedom from down near Albuquerque.


gobble gobble gobble


Colonel guajolote is in a rage as he continues to scream for help.

But he is afraid that his cries might not be heard by all of his allies so he climbs to the summit of the sandia peak tramway and builds himself a huge funeral pyre.

He covers himself in warpaint and dances around the fire until it dies down to embers.

Then he slowly flaps his wings amongst the wisps of smoke.

He flaps and sways until the tendrils of smoke start to form words.

The words are seen by the all of the turkeys in the united states.

Hopefully the turkeys will spring into action before it is too late.


Along the width and breadth of north America the words of smoke are seen by over 50 million wild turkeys.

Who soon form themselves into armies of birds,they storm turkey farms and processing plants and set free their captive friends.


gobble gobble gobble


On the streets of America there is complete and utter chaos

It is almost thanksgiving and all of the TV networks are reporting a shortage this year in fact there are none to be had.

Supermarkets and convenience stores are bombarded by customers trying to keep the tradition alive.

They want turkey and they want it now but all stores have no turkeys this season.

All of the turkeys have escaped and are hiding in the undergrowth away from their tormentors and foes.


Colonel guajolote is one satisfied turkey.

He is now old and is enjoying his retirement.

His grandchildren keep him busy but he wouldn’t want it any other way.

He is proud of his achievements  and on thanksgiving every year he raises a glass to all of  the fallen turkeys.

All is well down near Albuquerque.


gobble gobble gobble

Carpenters Crack


, , , , , , , , ,

The following is a story about an annoying little crack


Everyone in the world has heard about the andreas fault line in the united states.

But there is also a little known fissure down under in Australia.

The carpenters crack.


The crack first appeared on the evening of 26 August 2016.


It ran right down the middle of the main road in Alice Springs,Northern Territory.

At first it was only five feet long and a foot deep.

But as every hour when by the crack got longer wider and deeper.


At 11 pm when all of the pubs closed for the night a local named Joel Carpenter stumbles outside.

He is wearing a wobbly boot and has a serious case of the munchies

The local take away is lit up like a Christmas tree so Joel makes his way over and orders a works burger and a shit load of chips.

As he wait for his food Joel plays a battered old pinball machine and sings along with the radio.

When his number is called he grabs his meal and goes out into the night.


After a while he crosses the main street to take a short cut through the park when the road beneath him

Joel cries out in surprise but manages to grab hold of the edge of the asphalt with one hand.

He has dropped the bag of chips but the burger is held in a vice like grip.


But he sobers up real quick when he realises the trouble that he is in.

So he has one last bite from from tasty burger and reluctantly lets it drop into the crack.

And luckily Joel’s cries were heard by a few of the locals who come running over to see what the commotion is all about.

And they look over the edge of the crack in wonder.


One of them is a loud mouth who goes by the name of Bones pipes up’Well well well if it isn’t Joel Carpenter stuck in a crack’

Ha ha ha a carpenters crack,do you all get it ,do ya?’

I get it Bones’ Joel screams from below’But why don’t you stop flapping your gums and pull me up’.

And so the carpenters crack was born.


Once Joel is back on terra firma he and the others look down at the opening in the middle of the main drag.

What caused the road to crack open in the first place?

The ground didn’t shake so  there wasn’t an earthquake.

Plus there aren’t any volcano’s in Australia.

So maybe it is a sink hole or worse it is the Devil downstairs getting ready to make an appearance.


The authorities soon arrive and the whole area is cordoned off,search lights are set up around the perimeter.

And five policemen are stationed to keep an eye on the crack and to keep the locals away until reinforcements arrive from Adelaide at first light.


The carpenters crack is nasty but at the same time somewhat alluring.

You want to avert your eyes but you can’t stop looking.


After a few hours of patrolling the area the cops are bored out of their minds so they wander back to a squad car for some coffee and donuts.

But after eating a dozen chocolate glazed and drinking a thermos full of instant coffee they aren’t in the mood to going back on patrol.

So they decide to stay in the car and keep an eye on the crack from the comfort of the upholstered seats.


Than an almighty boom revertabrates throughout the outback it sounds like the sky is falling.

The police jump out of the car just in time and watch in amazement as the crack opens and their squad car disappears into the void.


The crack is moving faster than any carpenter ever has,it moves with lightning speed as it rips the Northern Territory apart.

What just a few hours ago was just an annoying little

Is now a national emergency.


As the cracks races north it hits the largest rock in the world the mammoth Uluru and it collapses into a pile of stone and dust.

And the wetlands of Kakadu National Park drain down into the abyss.

The crack is also ripping and tearing as it races south completely cutting off remote communities and small towns.

And because this disaster is happening way out beyond the black stump.

Most Australians aren’t even aware that a national crisis is afoot until they wake up and turn on the good morning news.


They watch as the crack explodes north toward Darwin and south to the great australian bite.

Helicopters fly over the over the crack sending back vision that sends a whole country into mourning.

Is Australia about to be torn in half?


In Canberra,the capitol of Australia,the prime minister is in crisis talks with his ministers about this latest disaster to hit the country.

And after an hour of discussion he orders the military to be mobilised.

If this crack isn’t stopped in its tracks Australia will be split in two.


In South Australia the crack is heading straight towards cockapiddy a small town on the nullabor plain.

While up north the crack is closing in fast on Tennant Creek.

Will these and other communities survive the crack?


A nation holds its breath.


The commander of the military General Roger B Highpants knows that he hasn’t got much time.

So he hitches up his trousers and gives the command ‘Take that crack down’

And after a day of bombardment the crack is obliterated and Australia is saved in the nick of time.


Not one Australian went to work that day they all gathered around their esky’s and BBQ’s.

And watched as the brave men and women of the armed forces bombed the shit out of that crack.

The slate has been wiped clean.


Live in Australia and in particular the small towns in the outback has returned to normal.

The crack is longer a immediate threat to the people of the nation.

But you can be reassured that everyone is on the lookout for another outback crack attack.



Whole Lot Of Trouble


, , , , ,

This is a story about a mischievous Kitten who is more than a handful.


It is just before midnight and under an old abandoned house a mother cat is about to give birth.

She has built a sheltered area behind a rusty hot water tank the perfect place to deliver her kittens.


This is her fifth litter and she is struggling to breathe,her heart is racing and her blood pressure is rising.

If she doesn’t give birth soon she might not survive the ordeal.

In desperation she gives a massive push and delivers nine healthy kittens.


But a tiny male kitten is just hanging on to life.

He is the runt of the litter and soon he is pushed aside by his brothers and sisters so he isn’t getting the nourishment he needs.

And when he finally latches onto a teat all he gets is a few lousy drops.


He falls asleep not knowing that he  is in mortal danger.

If he doesn’t get a decent suckle soon he wont survive more than a day or two.

But he sleeps his little tail wags as he dreams that he is the biggest baddest cat in the neighbourhood.

The meanest tom in town.


When he wakes he fights his siblings in a final effort to suckle his mothers milk and he is the first kitten that morning to latch onto a teat.

And over the following days and weeks his strength and stamina improve he is no longer the runt of the litter.

In fact he has become downright bossy and demanding constantly fighting for milk and attention.


The mother cat has noticed the kitten fighting and not wanting to get along with her other kittens.

She puts up with it until the bossy kitten has put on weight and is ready to face the world and regretfully she has come to a decision.

She picks up the kitten by the scruff of the neck and carries him outside and puts him down by the back fence.

Then she licks him goodbye and trots back to her other kittens.


The kitten watches as his mother until she is no longer in view.

Now for the first time in his short life he is completely alone in the big bad world.

He curls up into a little ball to make himself invisible to predators and cries and whines in his loneliness.


Nine year old Billy Faulkner is on his way home from school when he hears a strange noise coming from the long grass nearby.

He has a look and discovers a little kitten looking sad and forlorn crying for it’s mother.

Without a second thought he picks up the furball and puts it in his backpack and walks home.

Hopefully his mommy will let him keep the kitten.


Arriving home Billy says hello to his mommy who is in the kitchen preparing his favourite snack chocolate chip cookies and a big glass of milk.

Billy normally would talk to his mommy about his day at school but today is different.

So he tells his mommy he has a lot of homework to do so he takes his snack and backpack into his room.


In his room Billy feeds the kitten crumbs of cookies and lets it slurp milk straight from the glass.

Than for twenty minutes or so Billy and his new kitten pay and tumble around on his bed.

But because the kitten hasn’t been weaned yet he cant digest the cookies properly and soon smelly stuff is coming out of both ends.


Billy starts to cry because his mommy will surely give him a spanking when she finds the dirty sheets and wont let him keep his kitten.

So he keeps quite at dinner and pretends that all is well as he chats about school and the new friends that he has made.

But he doesn’t mention the kitten now isn’t the right time he will tell her first thing in the morning.


After watching television for a few hours together Billy’s mom kiss’es him goodnight and tells him that it is time for bed.

Billy says ‘goodnight mommy’ and goes to his bedroom where he waits for an hour to make sure that his mommy is asleep.

Than he drags the dirty sheets into the laundry.


Billy has never used the washing machine before ,but how hard can it be?

He picks up the box of detergent wondering how many scoops to add when the kitten jumps onto the machine.

‘No kitty get down you have caused enough trouble already’ but the kitten is in a playful mood and nudges the box of soap.’No kitty no’ but Billy cant stop what happens next he can only watch as the contents of the box fall into the washing machine.

‘Oh well’ Billy thinks,at least the sheets will be nice and clean.


Billy and the kitten go back into his room waiting for the machine to complete it’s cycle.

They play for a while until Billy starts to yawn and the kitten follows suite and falls asleep.

Billy reads a comic book as the kitten sleeps on his chest ‘Jesus how long does it take for a wash to finish?One more chapter and i will go check’


But Billy doesn’t get to the end of the chapter he falls asleep and he and the kitten are soon snoring in unison.

With both of them dreaming pleasant thoughts.


Billy is awoken in the morning by an almighty shriek.

He sits up in his bed ‘God it sounds like mommy is having a cow.’

‘Maybe she has seen a mouse or a spider’ But when he enters the hallway he is confronted by a wall of suds.’Holy shit what have i done?

Through the bubbles he can see mommy slipping and sliding down the floorboards.

He tries not to smile but he can’t help himself.,but the smile soon vanishes’Billy what in the fuck have you done?’


Billy can’t believe what he is hearing his mommy has never said the F word before’OK mister start talking and make it quick’

Billy tries to get the words out but they are stuck in his throat so he takes a deep breath and starts again’Sorry mommy but i found a little kitten yesterday so i brought him home to look after it.but i fed it too many cookies and it spewed all over my sheets’

‘So i put the sheets in the washing machine but i must of used too much detergent’

He smiles like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth hoping that mommy will see the funny side.


But before his mommy can say a word the kitten in question strolls into the room like it owns the place.

Purring and meowing for attention.

Billy bends down and picks up his new best fiend knowing that he is still in trouble.

‘Please mommy can i keep him?He want get in the way,please can he stay?’


When she see’s that her son is on the verge of tears her heart softens ‘Alright Billy the kitten can stay,but you will have to look after it and keep it out of my way’

So mother and son go shopping for everything that a kitten would need.

Cat food,flea collar,food and water bowls and a litter tray.


But right a way there is trouble.

The kitten refuses to use the litter tray,instead it chooses to leave little piles all over the house.

It scratches the stuffing out of all of the furniture and sheds hair everywhere.


Billy is continually running behind the kitten picking up all of the little parcels.

But he is losing the battle and soon the house smells like a cats toilet.

‘God who knew that owning a kitten would be so much trouble?’


That night Billy forgot to close his bedroom door and the kitten takes the opportunity to go for a midnight stroll.

He wanders up the stairs and straight into Billy’s mommy’s room.

The smell of female hormones and the comforting beat of a heart has caught his attention.

So he jumps up and snuggles on those twin peaks.


Then he changes position until he is sitting on her face.

And soon she wakes up struggling to breathe,she is being smothered to death by something warm and furry.

She takes a hold of the obstruction and throws it across the room where the kitten lands and takes off like a bat out of hell.


Billy’s mom opens her eyes in time to see the kitten race out of her room.

She smiles to herself but at the same time she knows that this kitten is going to be a whole lot of trouble.


Part two of this story is coming soon so come back and feed your need to read.