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‘Mister Big Cheese’ Part Two.

22 Saturday Jan 2022

Posted by stevenjohnno in Uncategorized

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Tags

america, blood, brett price, cat, clyde dylan ybanez, death, disease, exterinate, horror, new york, president of the united states, rat, revenge, war

Part One.

In the first installment of this story i introduced you to Mister Big Cheese a huge rat who ruled the sewers beneath the streets of Manhattan.

He is currently having trouble with the human population of the borough who are laying traps and poisons in an attempt to rid New York City of its rodent problem.

So the head rat called a summit meeting with the other leaders of the other boroughs to warn them of the human intervention plus he has ambitions to be the number one rat of the whole city not just Manhattan so the meeting will give him a chance to size up his opponents.

Three days later the rats met beneath a park bench in central park on the stroke of midnight and first up to greet Mister Big was the leader of the rats over in Staten Island Mister Feta and just like his name suggests he was fragile and tended to crumble easily under pressure and was certainly no threat but The Cheese immediately to a liking to the friendly rat.

Next were the leaders from The Bronx and Brooklyn Mister Brie and Camembert and even though they both put on a tough exterior they couldn’t hide the fact that they were soft and gooey on the inside but Mister Big Cheese knew that they would follow his instructions and be important allies.

Finally the head rat from Queens, Mister Parmigiano arrives, he is known to be strong and sharp and he doesn’t suffer fools and he is also highly ambitious and Mister Big Cheese knows that that Parmigiano will need watching of that he is positive.

After talking for over an hour about the trapping and poisons that have killed thousands of their kind and suggesting that they all go back to their boroughs and tell their rodent friends to be vigilant he is rudely interrupted by the sour and smelly Parmigiano ‘Who put you in charge? How dare you stand up on your soapbox telling us what we should be doing about the slaughter of our population by the humans.’

You might rule teeny weeny Manhattan but that doesn’t give you the right to dictate to us, shut the fuck up and listen for a change, we need to attack the people who are killing us and not scurry away with our tails between out legs.’

‘The people on the streets need to be taught a lesson and that is, if you try to destroy the rat we will strike with a vengeance and eradicate the human population from this city, now i am going back to Queens to draw up an action plan so who is with me?’

Mister Big Cheese cant quite believe what he is hearing, he called this meeting to strengthen his position and now this upstart from Queens is attempting to steal his thunder, the asshole even has the nerve to call a vote for his diabolical scheme.

Fifteen minutes later victory is secured by Parmigiano and he raises a claw to celebrate the win.

Mister Big Cheese hangs his head in defeat and without another word he slinks away into the darkness.

The other leaders know that attacking the people in revenge will only make the matters worse but Mister Parmigiano is tough and built like a brick outhouse so they had chose but to side with him so they to head back to their boroughs to await orders from the new leader of the rat.

Perched on a toilet seat at an old abandoned underground station Mister Big Cheese is still seething feeling down in the dumps but suddenly his whiskers twitch in glee when he remembers an incident a few years back.

It was a chilly afternoon and he was minding his own business chewing on an discarded apple when a street wise cat appeared out of nowhere swinging a paw that almost took off his head but then a rat came up behind the feline biting it on the ass.

The rat in question was called Mister Stillson because he was as hard as nails with a smell about him that was somewhat pleasant but at the same time nasty very nasty indeed.

As he ponders his future Mister Big Cheese wonders where Mister Stillson is now because he knows that if he is to save New York City he is going to need some help and the rat from God knows where could be his savior.

Part Two.

After being humiliating defeat Mister Big Cheese was forced to flee to Chicago leaving his loyal sidekick Mister Cheddar in charge while he cools his heels in exile but he knows that sooner or later he will have to return to New York City before Parmigiano reduces the metropolis to a ruin of disease and destruction.

The coward is currently holed up near Canadian border where he fled when the human authorities to kill his loyal rat followers with chemical baits and flamethrowers.

Mister Big Cheese knows that the turncoat will scurry back to his Queens headquarters when the coast is clear and when he does The Cheese will take him down once and for all.

Hopefully Mister Stilton will be by his side and together they will hopefully bring stability back to his home city.

In an old abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of Bangor Maine a smelly old rat is is snuggled safe and sound in his nest behind a rusty washing machine.

Mister Stilton has always had over active scent glands and when you you are a contract killer for hire having a nasty tang makes it hard to sneak up on your prey.

As he licks the offending gland he is startled by a loud knocking on the side of the machine.

Tucking the gland out of sight he is intrigued to find out who is seeking him out but before he can take a peek a note is pushed into his hidey hole followed by the sound of retreating footsteps.

Opening the note he begins to read’ Hello old friend i hope you are well? I trust that you have heard about the mayhem happening right now in New York? The instigator is an young upstart rat from Queens named Mister Parmigiano’

‘He has become a huge problem and needs to be put to rest permanently before the calamity in our city gets completely out of control’

‘I will be on the corner of Third and Maple every night from Wednesday the 3rd, please Mister Stilton i beg your presence post haste.

Yours Sincerely

Mister Big Cheese.

After a quick dip in the toilet bowl and a liberal application of heavy duty deodorant Stilton packs a knapsack full personal hygiene products, he then hurries thorough a cornfield to the local train station where he jumps on a freight train heading to New York City.

Two days later he arrives in the big apple and quickly finds his way to the rendezvous point.

He is a little early so he hides behind a trashcan and waits for his friend to arrive and an hour later the leader of the Manhattan rat cartel scurries into view and immediately races behind the bin ‘Jesus Stilton i could smell your odor from three blocks away, haven’t you heard of having a shower every now and then?

‘ Nice to see you too Mister Big Cheese, you know that i have a gland problem that becomes inflamed when i am anxious and a little nervous but enough about me lets get down to business’

Moving down wind from Stilton The Cheese begins’ First off thanks for coming because i have a huge problem on my hands and only you can give me a permanent solution’

‘Mister Parmigiano the self appointed leader of the rat population in Queens has started a war with the humans, there is fighting all over the city but thankfully Manhattan is still under my control but soon Parmigiano will want a complete stranglehold on the whole city’

‘I have put some feelers out and have found out that he is holed up in a little town called Mississauga up on the border’

‘Locate the fucker and neutralize him before the humans completely annihilate the rat from the city’

‘Bring me his head and in return i will provide you with an endless supply of your favorite food but please Stilton control your glands before they get you killed’

Stilton nods his head and gives the offending gland a little rub before racing off to complete his mission.

‘In the sewer beneath an ice cream factory in Mississauga Mister Parmigiano is living the life of a king surrounded by a thousand of his most loyal followers who attend to his every need.

It has been eight days since he ordered war against the human aggressors and so far the battalions of rats around the boroughs have achieved great success.

Most rats are infested with fleas and carry the rabies virus so a single bite from 100 million rodents will quickly infect the humans killing millions of the annoying creatures.

Parmigiano hopes that by 2023 New York City will be his for the taking and he the honorable Mister Parmigiano will become the first rodent mayor of the big apple and now with the help from Covid his mission to bring the human being down will be so much easier.

Tomorrow he will return to Queens and step up operations but first he will travel to Manhattan and put the so called Mister Big Cheese out of his misery.

Stilton sneaks into Mississauga and immediately hones in on the ice cream factory and his whiskers twitch in excitement.

Parmigiano might think that he is king shit but his hideout was remarkably easy to locate but unknowingly he has walked into a trap.

He is quickly surrounded by a dozen or rats who with four bites sever his achilles tendons so for Mister Stilton there will be no escape.

He is dragged beneath the factory and left at Parmigiano’s feet ‘Well well if it isn’t the smelly assassin himself Mister Stilton’

‘Let me tell you that your stench precedes you, it is amazing how you have been a successful killer for so many years when you smell like a colony of lepers left out to rot in the sun’

‘After i kill you i will leave your carcass outside for the buzzards to feast on but i think that even the flesh eating birds will disregard your bones.’

Stilton wants to tell the fucker that he has a gland problem but he knows that he would be wasting his breath so he stays silent staring back at his killer in defiance.

Parmigiano knows that Mister Big Cheese is behind the attempt to take him down and his beady black eyes narrow in hatred ‘Hold him still’

Snarling with perverse pleasure Parmigiano waits until his would be assassin is held secure then he dives in and rips Stilton apart.

Thankfully Stilton dies moments after his internal organs are devoured by Parmigiano who tweaks his whiskers as he swallows the final morsel of liver ‘The meat is all your boys but leave the head untouched because i am sending it to my friend in Manhattan as a reminder of what will happen to him if he continues to stand in my way’

Early the next morning Mister Big Cheese wakes in his nest of newspaper in a happy mood, he is confident that Stilton will have rid the earth from the tyranny of Parmigiano and hopefully avoid all out war between man and rat.

When he finishes his breakfast and takes a dump behind a bucket he races upstairs to begin a brand new day but almost stumbles over a blood soaked package sitting in the middle of his doorstep.

Deep down he knows what the contents of the package will contain but with dread he gingerly eats through the string binding the parcel and after a quick peak to confirm his suspicions Mister Big Cheese violently regurgitates his breakfast on the floor, hanging his head in sorrow The Cheese knows that he and he alone is responsible for the death of his friend ‘I vow to you Stilton that the rat who killed you will be brought to justice and sentenced to a slow demise at the hands of your truly’

Through misty eyes he notices a piece of paper sticking out from beneath the severed head. picking it up he reads ‘I trust that you are enjoying the company the company of Stilton even though he mightn’t have much to say? but enough small talk Mister Big Wheeze this is your first and final warning, get out of town while you still can or you will have the same fate as Mr Smelly’

‘If you are still in Manhattan tomorrow evening i will personally visit you in the shithole you live in and happily send you on a one way trip to hell’

‘Get out of my city before i crawl up your asshole and eat you from the inside out’

Your Sincerely

Mister Parmigiano

Mister Big Cheese crumples the note and throws it to the ground in anger, if that turd with a tail thinks that i will runaway and leave my city for him to destroy he has got another thing coming.

Stepping out into the sunshine he knows that time is of the essence so he hurries away without looking back, it saddens him to leave his home but he has little choose in the matter because if he is to out smart Parmigiano he will have to find a safe place to stay in the city away from his clutches.

Thousands of his followers run behind him but Mister Big Cheese that having them around will only attract attention so he stops in his tracks holding up a claw ‘As you all know Parmigiano is after my blood so for safety as well as my own i ask you to go home to your burrows and bunker down until i send word’

Manhattans finest scurries down a storm water drain on his way to God knows where but if New York City is to survive he will have to come up with a plan to stop Parmigiano otherwise the big apple will be turn rotten all the way to its core.

Parmigiano for the moment puts all thoughts of how he will end Mister Big Cheese’s dominance because he has a war to run after all.

Sitting at his feet in his headquarters in Queens are the three timid head rats from Staten Island, The Bronx and Brooklyn, the trio are shaking so much their tremors would most likely register around 7.2 on the Richter scale.

Parmigiano looks at with distain ‘Listen up and listen good’ pointing a gnarly claw at Mister Camembert he snarls’ Go back to Brooklyn and order your troops to engage in all out war, they are to chew through wires and cables to sever communications with the outside world’

‘Secondly foul the drinking water and contaminate all food sources but then you are to maim and kill as many people as you can and soon the city will be mine’

‘Once New York is controlled by the rat the rodent populations all over the nation will rise up and join us in the fight and i guarantee to you that by the end of the year the human nemesis will surrender and this country will therefore become known as the United Rats Of America, now lets bow heads and pray’

When Parmigiano closes his eyes the three frightened rats join claws in prayer but they aren’t praying for Parmigiano’s success instead all they want is a return to the status quo where the rat and the human being can live together like they have done for thousands of years.

After his absolutions are complete Parmigiano stares down the three amigo’s ‘Alright you three hurry back to your boroughs and begin your mission and remember if you fail to carry out my orders i will not only kill you but all of your relatives will be burnt alive on the stake’

Mister Big Cheese runs for miles along the sewers under the bustling city not really knowing where he is going but when he sticks his head out of a grate he looks skyward all the way to the top of the empire state building.

His nose twitches as it tastes the air for any signs of aggression or tension but when he is satisfied that all is well the Big Block Of Cheese smiles to himself.

The Empire State Building what an ideal place to make his final stand now all he has to do is lure his enemy within reach and then bring the motherfucker down.

The president of the United States the honorable Collard Chump is in the bathroom at the white house taking care of business when a loud single knock on the door tells him that it is time to attend to more important business.

With one last admiring glance in the the bathroom mirror the leader of the free world hitches up his trousers ready to take on whatever crisis is happening on this fine morning.

‘Sorry to bother you Mister President’ Secretary of State Wilson Petrie says not looking all that bothered at all ‘There is activity up in New York City that i think that you should be made aware of, apparently there has been dozens of deaths attributed to the rat population over there’

‘From all reports the rats are deliberately attacking people killing them in their beds while they sleep plus all communication with the city ceased three hours ago and it is suspected that the rats have severed the lines so now we are somewhat in the dark but satellite vortex will be directly above New York City in four hours Mister President so then we will have a clearer picture of what is happening’

‘There has been no contact with Mayor Guillo?’ President Chump asks his senior advisor’ No Mister President his office is apparently surrounded by the rodent vermin and we have been unable to contact him’

‘Why don’t we send in the national guard and wipe out the rats, what are the local police doing to ease the situation surely they could organize sort sort of poisoning program to rid the city of this scourge?

‘With respect Mister President New York and all cities across this great nation have been trying to exterminate the rat since Columbus landed here’

‘The problem is that there are billions of rats in every town and city from coast to coast and they are small in size so they are hard to locate because they can scurry away and hide at any sign of trouble so sending in the guard would be next to useless and also Sir the current generation of rat has built up a resistance to the poisons and they are smart and have learnt to avoid traps and evade capture’

‘But Mister President there might be a solution close at hand but at this stage it is still in the experimental stage and bear with me Sir this might sound crazy but the scientists at the Center For Disease Control have been working on the rodent problem for a decade or more and before communications were cut i had been speaking with the Director at the Center and he and his colleagues have developed a feline that is capable of following all rodents into every nook and cranny these rats care to hide in, these felines capture and neuter the male of the species breaking the breeding cycle which will drastically reduce the rat population to more manageable numbers’

‘What do you mean Mister Secretary? A mutant pussy cat?’

‘Yes Mister President these cats aren’t your ordinary house cat these felines are robotic made from some sort of liquid metallic substance that enables them to get right up close to the enemy and when they do these robot cats release a hormone that sterilizes the male rats so it is a win win situation, we exterminate the rat without using deadly harsh chemicals and you would surely win the next election in a landslide Mister President’

President Chump runs his hands through the ginger mop adorning his head and smiles a smile that would make the Mona Lisa blush.

‘Make it happen Mister Secretary make it happen’

Situated behind an old oil heater on the ground floor of the empire state building Mister Big Cheese has no idea that his life is about to be snuffed out.

Just twenty feet away Parmigiano watches his nemesis closely just waiting for the right moment and when the Cheese turns away for a second he pounces with deadly force.

Mister Big Cheese is dozing thinking about times before the current shitstorm when he suddenly finds himself on his back with a sharp object pressed against his throat. ‘Don’t move Mister Big Wheeze or i will cut you open from ear to ear’

‘I came here to kill you but i am having second thoughts on the matter, perhaps you and i can become partners in crime and turn this nation inside out and upside down what do you think Wheezy?’

‘First of all my name is Mister Big Cheese and i would never have anything to do with any half ass scheme you of come up with but first how did you find me so easily?”

‘You might think that you are special but you are just an ordinary rat like me Mister Not So Big Cheese,i followed your scent of course, you have your own very distinctive smell so i simply followed your odour all the way to the here and now.’

‘Congratulations Parmigiano now maybe you could smell your own tang and disappear up your own ass?’

‘Good one Mister Nobody just hear me out and if you decide that today is the day to die then i will do the deed with glee but i need a lieutenant that i can rely on and i know that we come from the opposite side of the spectrum but together we could achieve greatness and make the rat the head honcho and reduce the human to a beast of burden a slave to serve us whenever we whistle, so what do you say are you with me or not’

Mister Big Cheese has no intentions to become an underling to Parmigiano but when your death is in the hands of a crazy rat your choses are limited but at the same time it would be to tell the humans that they have become a little to big for their britches so he nods his head in agreement’

‘I wouldn’t move your head much if i were you Wheezy because my big toe is mighty sharp and could easily sever your spine but all jokes aside it is good to have you on my side, now my quest to have a world without the existence of the human being can begin’.

The two rats from polar opposites shake claws and immediately start talks of how they can exterminate the humans once and for all.

THE END

Who will win the battle of the species, the rat or the human?

Come back and read Part Three and i will give you the answer if i am still here.

Thanks for reading my story, if you have the means could you consider making a donation large or small so i can fulfill my dream of becoming a fulltime writer. Thanks again Steven.

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Whole Lot Of Trouble

16 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by stevenjohnno in poems, stories

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Tags

cat, fur ball, kitten, pet, suckle, trouble

This is a story about a mischievous Kitten who is more than a handful.

 

It is just before midnight and under an old abandoned house a mother cat is about to give birth.

She has built a sheltered area behind a rusty hot water tank the perfect place to deliver her kittens.

 

This is her fifth litter and she is struggling to breathe,her heart is racing and her blood pressure is rising.

If she doesn’t give birth soon she might not survive the ordeal.

In desperation she gives a massive push and delivers nine healthy kittens.

 

But a tiny male kitten is just hanging on to life.

He is the runt of the litter and soon he is pushed aside by his brothers and sisters so he isn’t getting the nourishment he needs.

And when he finally latches onto a teat all he gets is a few lousy drops.

 

He falls asleep not knowing that he  is in mortal danger.

If he doesn’t get a decent suckle soon he wont survive more than a day or two.

But he sleeps his little tail wags as he dreams that he is the biggest baddest cat in the neighbourhood.

The meanest tom in town.

 

When he wakes he fights his siblings in a final effort to suckle his mothers milk and he is the first kitten that morning to latch onto a teat.

And over the following days and weeks his strength and stamina improve he is no longer the runt of the litter.

In fact he has become downright bossy and demanding constantly fighting for milk and attention.

 

The mother cat has noticed the kitten fighting and not wanting to get along with her other kittens.

She puts up with it until the bossy kitten has put on weight and is ready to face the world and regretfully she has come to a decision.

She picks up the kitten by the scruff of the neck and carries him outside and puts him down by the back fence.

Then she licks him goodbye and trots back to her other kittens.

 

The kitten watches as his mother until she is no longer in view.

Now for the first time in his short life he is completely alone in the big bad world.

He curls up into a little ball to make himself invisible to predators and cries and whines in his loneliness.

 

Nine year old Billy Faulkner is on his way home from school when he hears a strange noise coming from the long grass nearby.

He has a look and discovers a little kitten looking sad and forlorn crying for it’s mother.

Without a second thought he picks up the furball and puts it in his backpack and walks home.

Hopefully his mommy will let him keep the kitten.

 

Arriving home Billy says hello to his mommy who is in the kitchen preparing his favourite snack chocolate chip cookies and a big glass of milk.

Billy normally would talk to his mommy about his day at school but today is different.

So he tells his mommy he has a lot of homework to do so he takes his snack and backpack into his room.

 

In his room Billy feeds the kitten crumbs of cookies and lets it slurp milk straight from the glass.

Than for twenty minutes or so Billy and his new kitten pay and tumble around on his bed.

But because the kitten hasn’t been weaned yet he cant digest the cookies properly and soon smelly stuff is coming out of both ends.

 

Billy starts to cry because his mommy will surely give him a spanking when she finds the dirty sheets and wont let him keep his kitten.

So he keeps quite at dinner and pretends that all is well as he chats about school and the new friends that he has made.

But he doesn’t mention the kitten now isn’t the right time he will tell her first thing in the morning.

 

After watching television for a few hours together Billy’s mom kiss’es him goodnight and tells him that it is time for bed.

Billy says ‘goodnight mommy’ and goes to his bedroom where he waits for an hour to make sure that his mommy is asleep.

Than he drags the dirty sheets into the laundry.

 

Billy has never used the washing machine before ,but how hard can it be?

He picks up the box of detergent wondering how many scoops to add when the kitten jumps onto the machine.

‘No kitty get down you have caused enough trouble already’ but the kitten is in a playful mood and nudges the box of soap.’No kitty no’ but Billy cant stop what happens next he can only watch as the contents of the box fall into the washing machine.

‘Oh well’ Billy thinks,at least the sheets will be nice and clean.

 

Billy and the kitten go back into his room waiting for the machine to complete it’s cycle.

They play for a while until Billy starts to yawn and the kitten follows suite and falls asleep.

Billy reads a comic book as the kitten sleeps on his chest ‘Jesus how long does it take for a wash to finish?One more chapter and i will go check’

 

But Billy doesn’t get to the end of the chapter he falls asleep and he and the kitten are soon snoring in unison.

With both of them dreaming pleasant thoughts.

 

Billy is awoken in the morning by an almighty shriek.

He sits up in his bed ‘God it sounds like mommy is having a cow.’

‘Maybe she has seen a mouse or a spider’ But when he enters the hallway he is confronted by a wall of suds.’Holy shit what have i done?

Through the bubbles he can see mommy slipping and sliding down the floorboards.

He tries not to smile but he can’t help himself.,but the smile soon vanishes’Billy what in the fuck have you done?’

 

Billy can’t believe what he is hearing his mommy has never said the F word before’OK mister start talking and make it quick’

Billy tries to get the words out but they are stuck in his throat so he takes a deep breath and starts again’Sorry mommy but i found a little kitten yesterday so i brought him home to look after it.but i fed it too many cookies and it spewed all over my sheets’

‘So i put the sheets in the washing machine but i must of used too much detergent’

He smiles like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth hoping that mommy will see the funny side.

 

But before his mommy can say a word the kitten in question strolls into the room like it owns the place.

Purring and meowing for attention.

Billy bends down and picks up his new best fiend knowing that he is still in trouble.

‘Please mommy can i keep him?He want get in the way,please can he stay?’

 

When she see’s that her son is on the verge of tears her heart softens ‘Alright Billy the kitten can stay,but you will have to look after it and keep it out of my way’

So mother and son go shopping for everything that a kitten would need.

Cat food,flea collar,food and water bowls and a litter tray.

 

But right a way there is trouble.

The kitten refuses to use the litter tray,instead it chooses to leave little piles all over the house.

It scratches the stuffing out of all of the furniture and sheds hair everywhere.

 

Billy is continually running behind the kitten picking up all of the little parcels.

But he is losing the battle and soon the house smells like a cats toilet.

‘God who knew that owning a kitten would be so much trouble?’

 

That night Billy forgot to close his bedroom door and the kitten takes the opportunity to go for a midnight stroll.

He wanders up the stairs and straight into Billy’s mommy’s room.

The smell of female hormones and the comforting beat of a heart has caught his attention.

So he jumps up and snuggles on those twin peaks.

 

Then he changes position until he is sitting on her face.

And soon she wakes up struggling to breathe,she is being smothered to death by something warm and furry.

She takes a hold of the obstruction and throws it across the room where the kitten lands and takes off like a bat out of hell.

 

Billy’s mom opens her eyes in time to see the kitten race out of her room.

She smiles to herself but at the same time she knows that this kitten is going to be a whole lot of trouble.

 

Part two of this story is coming soon so come back and feed your need to read.

Thanks for taking the time to read one of my stories now if you have the means could you please make a donation so i can realize my dream of becoming a fulltime writer. Thanks again Steven.

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The Cranky Christmas Tinsel

24 Saturday Dec 2016

Posted by stevenjohnno in Uncategorized

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Tags

cat, chimney, christmas, revenge, santa, tinsel

Up in the corner of the living room hangs a cranky piece of tinsel.

It is a week before Christmas 2016 the piece of tinsel has been hanging

there all lonesome for almost a year.

 

He doesn’t understand why he has been left hanging there in solitude.

When all the other decorations and ornaments were packed away all nice

and snug.

Yet here he hangs covered in cobwebs and a shitload of dust.

 

There is movement below him.

And he is pleased to see the owner of the house putting up the Christmas

tree.

And start to decorate it in all sorts of baubels silver balls and stars and a

thousand xmas lights.

With an angel placed on top.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is surprised when a step ladder is positioned

below him.

And the owner of the house removes a push pin and carries him towards the

tree.

Where he is draped over a branch or two right in front and centre.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel would be smiling right now if he could.

He cant believe his luck

Now he is in the perfect spot to have some fun and a little bit of mischief.

 

The family cat wanders in and starts sniffing around the base of the tree.

The cranky Christmas decoration watches the cat and wills it to climb.

But the cat couldn’t be bothered with climbing it arches  its back and jumps

right on up.

 

The Christmas tree starts to sway as the cat wrestles among the branches

in a tangle of Christmas lights.

The cranky Christmas unwraps itself reaches down and flips the light

switch.

 

The cat screams like a banshee on heat and runs from the room destroying

everything in its path blowing smoke signals from its arse.

Now i am not a Native American so the smoke signals are hard to read

But i think it says something like ‘Holy  fucking shit’

 

Smokey the Cats fur now stands permanently on end and it will forever

have a surprised look on his face.

 

Smokey was last seen hitch hiking out town.

But i am sure that he will be back one day.

 

 

The cranky Christmas is hanging in the tree feeling mighty fine.

He looks to the kitchen table where the owner of the house is enjoying

a glass of eggnog.

She is the reason why he is so cranky.

How dare she leave him hanging all year like a forgotten sock.

And the last thing you want in your house is a cranky Christmas tinsel.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel senses movement from the corner of his eye.

And when he looks there is a black spider building a web in his fibres.

He used to be clean tucked away all tidy in a box.

But now he is green mean and mighty unclean.

 

He eyes that spider and an idea forms in his mind.

He contorts his body into the shape pf a slingshot and fires.

The spider tumbles through the air straight towards the kitchen table.

And lands with a plop right into that cup of eggnog.

 

The owner of the house is startled and when she looks down she is

surprised to see a spider doing the backstroke .

She loses control of her eggnog and it splashes between her ample cleavage.

Along with the spider.

 

I think her scream was heard from more than five miles away.

She ran around the house tearing off her clothes in a wild panic.

And naked she races into the backyard and dives into the pool.

 

The spider swims to the side and climbs out feeling rather pleased with

himself.

Than he walks back to the Christmas tree and his web on the cranky

Christmas tree.

 

After almost drowning the owner of the house retires to her room with

her two trusted companions.

A bottle of bourbon and a pack of cigarettes.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is as happy as Larry as he basks under the

Christmas lights.

He loves hanging front and centre surrounded by inferior decorations.

Than he is distracted by a noise coming from the fireplace.

And in a cloud of soot a big red arse emerges.

 

It is that old man with the white beard all the way from the North Pole.

He is carrying some weight and a great big sack.

First stop is the side table where he fills up on milk and cookies.

Than he goes to the Christmas tree takes the presents from his sack

and arranges them under the tree.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is watching Santa’s every move.

And when Santa bends over he cant help to notice that Santa’s pants

are riding low.

He is showing more crack than a freeway after an earthquake.

The cranky Christmas decides to have some fun.

He dangles down from the tree and tickles Santa’s crack.

 

Well Santa jumped higher than an Olympic pole vaulter .

And after he scraped himself from the ceiling he squeezed back up the

Chimney

And got the fuck out of there.

 

The next few days run smoothly.

The owner of the house has some family and friends over to help

celebrate the festive season.

She relaxes and enjoys life for a few days.

Than it is time to go back to work.

 

Two weeks later the owner of the house decides that it is time to pull

down the tree.

She fills box after box with all of her decorations and lights.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is still hanging on the tree when the owner

of the house returns with another empty box.

She the cranky Christmas tinsel and bends down to place him into the

box.

But she is clumsy and drops the cranky Christmas tinsel and somehow

kicks it under the lounge.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel cant fucking believe it.

He wanted to be packed away in hibernation for a year.

But instead here he is under the couch with dead cockroaches stray coins

and an assortment of crumbs.

 

But he isn’t too worried he is confident that the owner of the house will

notice and pack him away all safe and sound.

Than he feels a tug from behind.

He looks back and sees a pair of green eyes.

 

Smokey the cat is back from his road trip.

And he wants the cranky Christmas tinsel to pay.

He chews the cranky Christmas tinsel like he is a tasty chicken bone.

And he keeps on chewing until the cranky Christmas tinsel is no more.

 

A few days later smokey the cat walked up to the owner of the house.

And when she bent down to give him a pat he coughed and spluttered

and out came a nasty looking cranky Christmas tinsel fur ball.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Thanks for taking the time to read one of my stories and now if you could make a donation to help me reach my goal of becoming a fulltime writer. Thanks again Steven.

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The Goats & The Pop Tart Princess (Part Two)

04 Sunday Sep 2016

Posted by stevenjohnno in poems, stories, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

cat, dog, goats, heart break, love, Princess

In Part One of this story i told you about a princess that lives

up Cessnock way.

She is princess Tanya AKA The pop tart princess.

Tanya is called the pop tart princess because she has a fondness

for sugar and well pop tarts.

Tanya believes that pop tarts and sugar are part of a food group.

And princess Tanya has an even greater fondness.

One day she heard a scared bleat coming from the scrub near her

place.

She investigated and discovered a goat cowering and frightened.

Hiding from her cruel master.

Princess Tanya took the abused goat home.

And she gave that goat all of her love and affection.

She fed that goat and looked after it 24/7.

The goat and the pop tart princess were soon inseparable.

After about a month the goat and has begun to settle.

The pop tart princess gave the goat a big hug.

And named her Gretel.

Is this a fairy tale ?

Will they live happily ever after?

Part Two

Tanya the pop tart princess isn’t a real princess you know.

Her parents aren’t the king and queen of a nation.

And her family doesn’t live in a castle.

Tanya is a princess in another way.

With little fuss she goes about feeding her collection of cats and dogs

And of course the latest addition Gretel the goat.

All of the animals look up at her in wonder.

They know that they are in a special place.

As they gobble down their food they say a little prayer and a God bless.

Because to them Tanya is a real princess.

Early the next morning Tanya is having a breakfast of a dozen pop tarts

and a bowl of sugar lol

And smoking a cigarette as the sun begins to rise.

With a last bite and a final puff she goes out to check on her four legged

friends.

She notices that Gretel has a swollen belly.

So she is straight on the phone to the vet.

The pop tart princess would die if anything happened to her new pet.

But Tanya knows that she is being silly

There is nothing wrong with Gretel.

She is pregnant of course.

The vet arrives and he soon confirms Tanya’s prognosis.

And there is an added bonus.

Gretel isnt only pregnant not only with one kid

She is having twins.

Princess Tanya’s heart melts and fills with joy.

She is going to be a grandmother of a girl and a boy.

The pop tart princess celebrates with a tasty sweet treat.

Then she starts to prepare for the birth.

Maybe she can convert the spare room into a nursery?

And paint it pink and blue.

But Goats dont belong inside a house

Gretel would probably eat everything but the kitchen sink

Plus goats exactly known for their table manners

No Gretel will be comfortable enough in her enclosure out

near the garden shed.

It has been a long day so Tanya smokes one last cigarette

And toddles off to bed.

A few months later and the big day is here.

Gretel is ready to give birth.

She is having bad contractions and bleats out in pain.

Princess Tanya whispers words of encouragement

And Gretel responds with an almighty push.

A tiny head emerges followed by a slimy little body.

And a tiny female kid goat slides onto the straw.

Five minutes later and her twin brother joins her in this world.

Gretel the dutiful mother smiles and licks her offspring clean

And princess Tanya is happier than she has ever been.

The two kid goats are named Lola and Zephr

And they light up Tanya’s life

She cares for them like they are her own children.

She would do anything for her goats

Than mother nature hands Tanya a curse

And princess Tanya’s life takes a turn for the worse.

She is playing with her goats in the backyard.

When she notices that little Zephr has gone missing

He must have found a way through the back fence.

Princess Tanya calls out yelling his name.

But from Zephr there is no sound.

Maybe the council ranger has mistaken Zephr as a dog

And has taken him to the  local pound?

But deep down in her heart princess Tanya knows that Zephr

isn’t coming home.

After the yard and surrounds with no success.

Zephr is finally located out the back near his enclosure.

And there isn’t any good news.

He is laying on the ground and he isn’t breathing.

On closer inspection it looks like Zephr has been bitten by a

snake.

Princess Tanya cries a river as her heart begins to break.

The following days and weeks are nothing but a blur.

Princess Tanya is barely functioning.

She is living her life on auto pilot.

Gretel and Lola dont understand what is happening.

Why doesn’t Zephr answer their calls?

They run up and down the fence bleating for him to come home.

Gretel frets for her son while Lola really misses her twin brother

Zephr was an original a one of a kind.

And there will never be another.

Eventually life goes back to some sort of normal.

Princess Tanya gets her weekly delivery of a pallet of pop tarts

In a dozen different flavours.

And in the last few weeks or so a mystery benefactor

Has been leaving assorted vegetables and greens out near the front

fence.

Maybe the benefactor is a modern day Robin Hood?

Who takes from the greengrocer and gives to the good

Princess Tanya is out in the sun with her goats.

And there has been an addition to her family.

Princess Tanya has adopted another goat.

A little rascal she has named Alfie.

And it looks like Gretel’s belly has a little swell.

And maybe little Lola as well.

Than the screen door slams shut

And Tanya’s cattle dog Zahli and her cat Otis come out to join the

party.

Princess Tanya gives all of her animals a great big hug.

In Tanya’s house love is all that you need.

Than she gathers her animals up nice and close and takes a selfie.

Princess Tanya might be money poor.

But in her heart she is very wealthy.

Thanks for taking the time to read one of my stories, now if you could please make a donation to help reach my dream of becoming a fulltime writer. Thanks again Steven.

THE END.

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