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Whole Lot Of Trouble

16 Saturday Dec 2017

Posted by stevenjohnno in poems, stories

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Tags

cat, fur ball, kitten, pet, suckle, trouble

This is a story about a mischievous Kitten who is more than a handful.

 

It is just before midnight and under an old abandoned house a mother cat is about to give birth.

She has built a sheltered area behind a rusty hot water tank the perfect place to deliver her kittens.

 

This is her fifth litter and she is struggling to breathe,her heart is racing and her blood pressure is rising.

If she doesn’t give birth soon she might not survive the ordeal.

In desperation she gives a massive push and delivers nine healthy kittens.

 

But a tiny male kitten is just hanging on to life.

He is the runt of the litter and soon he is pushed aside by his brothers and sisters so he isn’t getting the nourishment he needs.

And when he finally latches onto a teat all he gets is a few lousy drops.

 

He falls asleep not knowing that he  is in mortal danger.

If he doesn’t get a decent suckle soon he wont survive more than a day or two.

But he sleeps his little tail wags as he dreams that he is the biggest baddest cat in the neighbourhood.

The meanest tom in town.

 

When he wakes he fights his siblings in a final effort to suckle his mothers milk and he is the first kitten that morning to latch onto a teat.

And over the following days and weeks his strength and stamina improve he is no longer the runt of the litter.

In fact he has become downright bossy and demanding constantly fighting for milk and attention.

 

The mother cat has noticed the kitten fighting and not wanting to get along with her other kittens.

She puts up with it until the bossy kitten has put on weight and is ready to face the world and regretfully she has come to a decision.

She picks up the kitten by the scruff of the neck and carries him outside and puts him down by the back fence.

Then she licks him goodbye and trots back to her other kittens.

 

The kitten watches as his mother until she is no longer in view.

Now for the first time in his short life he is completely alone in the big bad world.

He curls up into a little ball to make himself invisible to predators and cries and whines in his loneliness.

 

Nine year old Billy Faulkner is on his way home from school when he hears a strange noise coming from the long grass nearby.

He has a look and discovers a little kitten looking sad and forlorn crying for it’s mother.

Without a second thought he picks up the furball and puts it in his backpack and walks home.

Hopefully his mommy will let him keep the kitten.

 

Arriving home Billy says hello to his mommy who is in the kitchen preparing his favourite snack chocolate chip cookies and a big glass of milk.

Billy normally would talk to his mommy about his day at school but today is different.

So he tells his mommy he has a lot of homework to do so he takes his snack and backpack into his room.

 

In his room Billy feeds the kitten crumbs of cookies and lets it slurp milk straight from the glass.

Than for twenty minutes or so Billy and his new kitten pay and tumble around on his bed.

But because the kitten hasn’t been weaned yet he cant digest the cookies properly and soon smelly stuff is coming out of both ends.

 

Billy starts to cry because his mommy will surely give him a spanking when she finds the dirty sheets and wont let him keep his kitten.

So he keeps quite at dinner and pretends that all is well as he chats about school and the new friends that he has made.

But he doesn’t mention the kitten now isn’t the right time he will tell her first thing in the morning.

 

After watching television for a few hours together Billy’s mom kiss’es him goodnight and tells him that it is time for bed.

Billy says ‘goodnight mommy’ and goes to his bedroom where he waits for an hour to make sure that his mommy is asleep.

Than he drags the dirty sheets into the laundry.

 

Billy has never used the washing machine before ,but how hard can it be?

He picks up the box of detergent wondering how many scoops to add when the kitten jumps onto the machine.

‘No kitty get down you have caused enough trouble already’ but the kitten is in a playful mood and nudges the box of soap.’No kitty no’ but Billy cant stop what happens next he can only watch as the contents of the box fall into the washing machine.

‘Oh well’ Billy thinks,at least the sheets will be nice and clean.

 

Billy and the kitten go back into his room waiting for the machine to complete it’s cycle.

They play for a while until Billy starts to yawn and the kitten follows suite and falls asleep.

Billy reads a comic book as the kitten sleeps on his chest ‘Jesus how long does it take for a wash to finish?One more chapter and i will go check’

 

But Billy doesn’t get to the end of the chapter he falls asleep and he and the kitten are soon snoring in unison.

With both of them dreaming pleasant thoughts.

 

Billy is awoken in the morning by an almighty shriek.

He sits up in his bed ‘God it sounds like mommy is having a cow.’

‘Maybe she has seen a mouse or a spider’ But when he enters the hallway he is confronted by a wall of suds.’Holy shit what have i done?

Through the bubbles he can see mommy slipping and sliding down the floorboards.

He tries not to smile but he can’t help himself.,but the smile soon vanishes’Billy what in the fuck have you done?’

 

Billy can’t believe what he is hearing his mommy has never said the F word before’OK mister start talking and make it quick’

Billy tries to get the words out but they are stuck in his throat so he takes a deep breath and starts again’Sorry mommy but i found a little kitten yesterday so i brought him home to look after it.but i fed it too many cookies and it spewed all over my sheets’

‘So i put the sheets in the washing machine but i must of used too much detergent’

He smiles like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth hoping that mommy will see the funny side.

 

But before his mommy can say a word the kitten in question strolls into the room like it owns the place.

Purring and meowing for attention.

Billy bends down and picks up his new best fiend knowing that he is still in trouble.

‘Please mommy can i keep him?He want get in the way,please can he stay?’

 

When she see’s that her son is on the verge of tears her heart softens ‘Alright Billy the kitten can stay,but you will have to look after it and keep it out of my way’

So mother and son go shopping for everything that a kitten would need.

Cat food,flea collar,food and water bowls and a litter tray.

 

But right a way there is trouble.

The kitten refuses to use the litter tray,instead it chooses to leave little piles all over the house.

It scratches the stuffing out of all of the furniture and sheds hair everywhere.

 

Billy is continually running behind the kitten picking up all of the little parcels.

But he is losing the battle and soon the house smells like a cats toilet.

‘God who knew that owning a kitten would be so much trouble?’

 

That night Billy forgot to close his bedroom door and the kitten takes the opportunity to go for a midnight stroll.

He wanders up the stairs and straight into Billy’s mommy’s room.

The smell of female hormones and the comforting beat of a heart has caught his attention.

So he jumps up and snuggles on those twin peaks.

 

Then he changes position until he is sitting on her face.

And soon she wakes up struggling to breathe,she is being smothered to death by something warm and furry.

She takes a hold of the obstruction and throws it across the room where the kitten lands and takes off like a bat out of hell.

 

Billy’s mom opens her eyes in time to see the kitten race out of her room.

She smiles to herself but at the same time she knows that this kitten is going to be a whole lot of trouble.

 

Part two of this story is coming soon so come back and feed your need to read.

The Cranky Christmas Tinsel

24 Saturday Dec 2016

Posted by stevenjohnno in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

cat, chimney, christmas, revenge, santa, tinsel

Up in the corner of the living room hangs a cranky piece of tinsel.

It is a week before Christmas 2016 the piece of tinsel has been hanging

there all lonesome for almost a year.

 

He doesn’t understand why he has been left hanging there in solitude.

When all the other decorations and ornaments were packed away all nice

and snug.

Yet here he hangs covered in cobwebs and a shitload of dust.

 

There is movement below him.

And he is pleased to see the owner of the house putting up the Christmas

tree.

And start to decorate it in all sorts of baubels silver balls and stars and a

thousand xmas lights.

With an angel placed on top.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is surprised when a step ladder is positioned

below him.

And the owner of the house removes a push pin and carries him towards the

tree.

Where he is draped over a branch or two right in front and centre.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel would be smiling right now if he could.

He cant believe his luck

Now he is in the perfect spot to have some fun and a little bit of mischief.

 

The family cat wanders in and starts sniffing around the base of the tree.

The cranky Christmas decoration watches the cat and wills it to climb.

But the cat couldn’t be bothered with climbing it arches  its back and jumps

right on up.

 

The Christmas tree starts to sway as the cat wrestles among the branches

in a tangle of Christmas lights.

The cranky Christmas unwraps itself reaches down and flips the light

switch.

 

The cat screams like a banshee on heat and runs from the room destroying

everything in its path blowing smoke signals from its arse.

Now i am not a Native American so the smoke signals are hard to read

But i think it says something like ‘Holy  fucking shit’

 

Smokey the Cats fur now stands permanently on end and it will forever

have a surprised look on his face.

 

Smokey was last seen hitch hiking out town.

But i am sure that he will be back one day.

 

 

The cranky Christmas is hanging in the tree feeling mighty fine.

He looks to the kitchen table where the owner of the house is enjoying

a glass of eggnog.

She is the reason why he is so cranky.

How dare she leave him hanging all year like a forgotten sock.

And the last thing you want in your house is a cranky Christmas tinsel.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel senses movement from the corner of his eye.

And when he looks there is a black spider building a web in his fibres.

He used to be clean tucked away all tidy in a box.

But now he is green mean and mighty unclean.

 

He eyes that spider and an idea forms in his mind.

He contorts his body into the shape pf a slingshot and fires.

The spider tumbles through the air straight towards the kitchen table.

And lands with a plop right into that cup of eggnog.

 

The owner of the house is startled and when she looks down she is

surprised to see a spider doing the backstroke .

She loses control of her eggnog and it splashes between her ample cleavage.

Along with the spider.

 

I think her scream was heard from more than five miles away.

She ran around the house tearing off her clothes in a wild panic.

And naked she races into the backyard and dives into the pool.

 

The spider swims to the side and climbs out feeling rather pleased with

himself.

Than he walks back to the Christmas tree and his web on the cranky

Christmas tree.

 

After almost drowning the owner of the house retires to her room with

her two trusted companions.

A bottle of bourbon and a pack of cigarettes.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is as happy as Larry as he basks under the

Christmas lights.

He loves hanging front and centre surrounded by inferior decorations.

Than he is distracted by a noise coming from the fireplace.

And in a cloud of soot a big red arse emerges.

 

It is that old man with the white beard all the way from the North Pole.

He is carrying some weight and a great big sack.

First stop is the side table where he fills up on milk and cookies.

Than he goes to the Christmas tree takes the presents from his sack

and arranges them under the tree.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is watching Santa’s every move.

And when Santa bends over he cant help to notice that Santa’s pants

are riding low.

He is showing more crack than a freeway after an earthquake.

The cranky Christmas decides to have some fun.

He dangles down from the tree and tickles Santa’s crack.

 

Well Santa jumped higher than an Olympic pole vaulter .

And after he scraped himself from the ceiling he squeezed back up the

Chimney

And got the fuck out of there.

 

The next few days run smoothly.

The owner of the house has some family and friends over to help

celebrate the festive season.

She relaxes and enjoys life for a few days.

Than it is time to go back to work.

 

Two weeks later the owner of the house decides that it is time to pull

down the tree.

She fills box after box with all of her decorations and lights.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is still hanging on the tree when the owner

of the house returns with another empty box.

She the cranky Christmas tinsel and bends down to place him into the

box.

But she is clumsy and drops the cranky Christmas tinsel and somehow

kicks it under the lounge.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel cant fucking believe it.

He wanted to be packed away in hibernation for a year.

But instead here he is under the couch with dead cockroaches stray coins

and an assortment of crumbs.

 

But he isn’t too worried he is confident that the owner of the house will

notice and pack him away all safe and sound.

Than he feels a tug from behind.

He looks back and sees a pair of green eyes.

 

Smokey the cat is back from his road trip.

And he wants the cranky Christmas tinsel to pay.

He chews the cranky Christmas tinsel like he is a tasty chicken bone.

And he keeps on chewing until the cranky Christmas tinsel is no more.

 

A few days later smokey the cat walked up to the owner of the house.

And when she bent down to give him a pat he coughed and spluttered

and out came a nasty looking cranky Christmas tinsel fur ball.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS

The Goats & The Pop Tart Princess (Part Two)

04 Sunday Sep 2016

Posted by stevenjohnno in poems, stories, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

cat, dog, goats, heart break, love, Princess

In Part One of this story i told you about a princess that lives

up Cessnock way.

She is princess Tanya AKA The pop tart princess.

 

Tanya is called the pop tart princess because she has a fondness

for sugar and well pop tarts.

Tanya believes that pop tarts and sugar are part of a food group.

And princess Tanya has an even greater fondness.

 

One day she heard a scared bleat coming from the scrub near her

place.

She investigated and discovered a goat cowering and frightened.

Hiding from her cruel master.

 

Princess Tanya took the abused goat home.

And she gave that goat all of her love and affection.

She fed that goat and looked after it 24/7.

The goat and the pop tart princess were soon inseparable.

After about a month the goat and has begun to settle.

The pop tart princess gave the goat a big hug.

And named her Gretel.

Is this a fairy tale ?

Will they live happily ever after?

 

Part Two

Tanya the pop tart princess isn’t a real princess you know.

Her parents aren’t the king and queen of a nation.

And her family doesn’t live in a castle.

 

Tanya is a princess in another way.

With little fuss she goes about feeding her collection of cats and dogs

And of course the latest addition Gretel the goat.

All of the animals look up at her in wonder.

They know that they are in a special place.

As they gobble down their food they say a little prayer and a God bless.

Because to them Tanya is a real princess.

 

Early the next morning Tanya is having a breakfast of a dozen pop tarts

and a bowl of sugar lol

And smoking a cigarette as the sun begins to rise.

With a last bite and a final puff she goes out to check on her four legged

friends.

She notices that Gretel has a swollen belly.

So she is straight on the phone to the vet.

The pop tart princess would die if anything happened to her new pet.

 

But Tanya knows that she is being silly

There is nothing wrong with Gretel.

She is pregnant of course.

The vet arrives and he soon confirms Tanya’s prognosis.

And there is an added bonus.

Gretel isnt only pregnant not only with one kid

She is having twins.

Princess Tanya’s heart melts and fills with joy.

She is going to be a grandmother of a girl and a boy.

 

The pop tart princess celebrates with a tasty sweet treat.

Then she starts to prepare for the birth.

Maybe she can convert the spare room into a nursery?

And paint it pink and blue.

But Goats dont belong inside a house

Gretel would probably eat everything but the kitchen sink

Plus goats exactly known for their table manners

No Gretel will be comfortable enough in her enclosure out

near the garden shed.

It has been a long day so Tanya smokes one last cigarette

And toddles off to bed.

 

A few months later and the big day is here.

Gretel is ready to give birth.

She is having bad contractions and bleats out in pain.

Princess Tanya whispers words of encouragement

And Gretel responds with an almighty push.

A tiny head emerges followed by a slimy little body.

And a tiny female kid goat slides onto the straw.

Five minutes later and her twin brother joins her in this world.

Gretel the dutiful mother smiles and licks her offspring clean

And princess Tanya is happier than she has ever been.

 

The two kid goats are named Lola and Zephr

And they light up Tanya’s life

She cares for them like they are her own children.

She would do anything for her goats

Than mother nature hands Tanya a curse

And princess Tanya’s life takes a turn for the worse.

 

She is playing with her goats in the backyard.

When she notices that little Zephr has gone missing

He must have found a way through the back fence.

Princess Tanya calls out yelling his name.

But from Zephr there is no sound.

Maybe the council ranger has mistaken Zephr as a dog

And has taken him to the  local pound?

 

But deep down in her heart princess Tanya knows that Zephr

isn’t coming home.

After the yard and surrounds with no success.

Zephr is finally located out the back near his enclosure.

And there isn’t any good news.

He is laying on the ground and he isn’t breathing.

On closer inspection it looks like Zephr has been bitten by a

snake.

Princess Tanya cries a river as her heart begins to break.

 

The following days and weeks are nothing but a blur.

Princess Tanya is barely functioning.

She is living her life on auto pilot.

Gretel and Lola dont understand what is happening.

Why doesn’t Zephr answer their calls?

They run up and down the fence bleating for him to come home.

Gretel frets for her son while Lola really misses her twin brother

Zephr was an original a one of a kind.

And there will never be another.

 

Eventually life goes back to some sort of normal.

Princess Tanya gets her weekly delivery of a pallet of pop tarts

In a dozen different flavours.

And in the last few weeks or so a mystery benefactor

Has been leaving assorted vegetables and greens out near the front

fence.

Maybe the benefactor is a modern day Robin Hood?

Who takes from the greengrocer and gives to the good

 

Princess Tanya is out in the sun with her goats.

And there has been an addition to her family.

Princess Tanya has adopted another goat.

A little rascal she has named Alfie.

And it looks like Gretel’s belly has a little swell.

And maybe little Lola as well.

 

Than the screen door slams shut

And Tanya’s cattle dog Zahli and her cat Otis come out to join the

party.

Princess Tanya gives all of her animals a great big hug.

In Tanya’s house love is all that you need.

Than she gathers her animals up nice and close and takes a selfie.

Princess Tanya might be money poor.

But in her heart she is very wealthy.

 

 

THE END.

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