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Santa ( Clause )

08 Saturday Dec 2018

Posted by stevenjohnno in poems, stories

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Tags

christmas, north pole, presents, reindeer, rudolph, santa

Just a short sleigh ride NE of Greenland lives a rotund old man.

He always wears a red suit and a black belt with a shiny gold buckle.

And there is only one person on earth who fits that description and that is Santa Claus of course.

It is 8th December and Santa is in the bathroom of his chalet trimming his grey beard so he looks his best for the coming Christmas season.

Then after the trim he steps onto the bathroom scales and almost dies with fright.

Santa knows that the children all over the world expect him to be jolly and a bit chubby.

But if he  suddenly dies from a heart attack just before Christmas who will deliver the presents to the children.?

So Santa decides that the time is right for him to seek legal advice and maybe add a few clauses to his contract.

Santa doesn’t mean to offend anyone with his legal action but if he continues to consume one thousand litres of full cream milk and a million cookies on an annual basis then he might just burst at the seams.

So people please resist the urge to leave an unhealthy snack out for Santa on Christmas eve.

Because if you continue to leave junk food then Santa will be too heavy to ride in the back of the sleigh.

Plus it would put extra strain on the already overworked reindeer.

Clause # 1

If you must leave a snack for Santa please a glass of skim milk and a rice cracker or two will suffice.

Better still kindly just leave Santa a thank you note.

And by all means continue to leave some carrots for Rudolph and his friends because they are much appreciated.

Santa has also asked me to inform his loyal customers the world over to install wider chimneys.

Because as the old saying goes ‘You cant fit a round peg in a square hole’ ( or is it the other way around?) Because as we all know from the before mentioned Clause # 1 Santa is concerned about his weight.

So please install wider chimneys so Santa can deliver the presents in a timely manner.

And please keep your chimneys clean because Santa doesn’t want to come out looking like a coal miner.

Clause # 2

Install a chimney with minimum dimensions of 60cm x 30 cm or otherwise Santa might have to leave your presents in your front yard or in the worst scenario leave no presents at all.

PS Santa realises that this Christmas season is almost upon us so chimneys installed for the 2019 season will suffice.

The following clause will have to be strictly adhered to because if it isn’t then Santa will contemplate going on strike.

Santa wants to know why he is based at the North Pole for 12 months of the year?

Because people it is fucking up in the artic circle and Santa is afraid the his nuts will drop off and roll away never to be seen again.

Surely he could live in sunny Acapulco or Fiji for 11 months of the year?

It would give his plums a chance to thaw out plus give him time alone with Mrs Claws ( sorry Claus ) without putting up with the cold weather and listening to the elves shenenigans.

So once again I stress that if Santa doesn’t get a tan and some action this year then strike action could really be a reality.

Clause # 3

Santa requires a benefactor to supply him with rent free accommodation in a sunny location and in exchange Santa promises to deliver your presents no matter the width of your chimney.

Plus if it takes your fancy you can leave out a frosty long neck of beer and a huge slice of chocolate cake.

The last clause concerns the antics and temperament of Rudolph the reindeer.

Sure he might have a shiny red nose and can pull a sleigh like a draught horse

But lately Rudolph has been getting a little to big for his hooves.

Santa needs his reindeer to work as a team and he really hasn’t got the time to deal with a prima donna sleigh puller who demands all he attention.

And please don’t tell Santa that I am telling you this but I think that he might be just a little jealous of Rudolph and his quest for top billing.

Next thing you know he will be wanting a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.

Santa receives millions of letters every year from children telling Santa what presents they want for Christmas and now a lot of them are asking about the welfare of Rudolph and his freaking red nose.

And it is really starting to annoy the fat  man in the red suit.

He is Santa the rider of the sleigh and he doesn’t like to share the spotlight.

Not one little bit.

So if Rudolph doesn’t pull his head in then he will be replaced by Vixen or Prancer.

Or better yet get carved up and turned into some tasty choice cuts or a delectable rack of venison.

Clause# 4

Rudolph needs to be a team player once again and keep his ego in check.

Because if he doesn’t and Vixen or Prancer don’t  live up to expectations then Santa cant  guarantee that deliveries will be made on time.

So please read the four clauses carefully because a happy Santa means more presents for you and me.

                                                                Yours Faithfully

                                                                MR Joseph Walrusson    esquire

                                                                1 Snowbound Lane

                                                                Middle of nowhere, Greenland

                                                                                        THE END

         Thanks for taking the time to read one of my stories and could you also consider making a donation to go towards my goal of becoming a fulltime writer. Thanks again Steven.                

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Whole Lot Of Trouble ( 2 )

16 Friday Feb 2018

Posted by stevenjohnno in poems, stories

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

cats, christmas, christmas tree, family, help, kitten, mice, trouble

In part one I introduced you to a nine year old boy named Billy Faulkner who coming home from school one day came across an abandoned kitten.

He immediately fell in love with that ball of fluff and took it home.

But Billy soon found out that looking after a kitten isn’t easy.

First the kitten was sick all over Billy’s bed sheets so Billy waited until his mother had gone to bed.

Then he took the sheets into the laundry and put them into the washing machine where the kitten bumped a one pound box of soap into the washer.

And in the morning Billy was confronted by an angry mother and a house full of suds.

He couldn’t see his mom but he sure could hear her ‘What have you done this time mister you are grounded for a month,now go back into your room and think about what you have done while I clean up this mess’

The kitten follows Billy oblivious to the trouble that  he has caused and with a meow he knows that there is more trouble to come.

He has only just started.

Part Two

It is the first of December and Billy is helping his mom put up the Christmas tree.

While they erect the tree branch by branch bauble by bauble trouble the kitten watches proceedings from a safe distance.

Once all of the decorations are carefully arranged and about a thousand lights are draped from every branch of the tree.

Billy’s mom plugs in the lights and turns them on.

Well the kitten goes completely ballistic running around the room like a headless chicken until it finally takes off down to the safety of the basement.

Billy and his mom are in stitches as they watch the kitten disappear.

But they soon recover and settle down to watch some TV while stealing glances at the shiny big tree.

A while later trouble builds up the nerve to enter the living room where it sits on the floor next to Billy looking at the alien in the room with a mixture of fear and complete bafflement.

He sits there for over twenty minutes waiting for the right time to spring an attack.

Then he gets up onto his haunches and springs into action.

He lands halfway up the tree where he soon finds out that he has bitten more than he can chew.

Trouble scrambles to the top of the tree and hangs on for grim death.

He wriggles his tail around trying to get a better hold where it becomes tangles around a dozen or more Christmas lights.

Trouble starts to panic and he bites at the cable holding the lights.

Well a shower of sparks fill the room and all the lights go out and Billy and his mom watch in amazement as a little furry comet flies across the room.

A week later after a visit to the vet Trouble is given the all clear and Billy takes the kitten back home.

He looks at the singed and sad kitten’Dont worry Trouble the vet said that your fur will grow back in a month or so’

‘Hey maybe I should have called you Smokey?’ Billy laugh’s until it hurts.

Trouble the kitten doesn’t see the funny side and with as much dignity as he can muster slowly leaves the room.

Trouble quickly recovers from his injuries and once more he is doing what cats do.

That is getting into trouble and hunting for it’s prey.

First he wanders down to his favourite room in the house the basement.

Here he has lots of room to run around plus the room is also full of mice.

And over the next three hours he catches about mice.

Where one by one he carries those rodents up to his masters mothers room.

And with great dexterity he arranges his kill around her pillow.

At 4 06 exactly the whole neighbourhood wakes to an almighty screech.

Is someone being attacked?

Have the little green men from Mars finally attacked?

Billy wakes with fright but soon realises that the sound is coming from his mom’s room so he jumps out of bed and races to the scene of the crime.

God it sounds like ma is giving birth to a baby hippo’

Billy runs into his moms room to find a shit load of mice scattered around the room

And a proud kitten standing in the corner.

‘Billy that cat has got to go it almost give me a heart attack,that cat is nothing but trouble’

But mom he is only showing you how much he likes you’

‘The mice were a present’

Sorry Billy but first thing in the morning that kitten is going to the pound’

‘You can get another pet.how about a goldfish or a hampster or maybe one of those nice pet rocks?’

But mommy I want to keep my kitty,please please one last chance?’

Sorry Billy but my nerves can only take so much”

Billy picks up his kitten and runs back to his room in distress.

He knows all about the pound Trouble will go there and after a while he will get the needle.

Go to sleep and never wake up.

Billy will never let that happen so he paces around his room trying to think of a way to convince his mom to let him keep Trouble.

And soon a cunning plan enters his brain.

He picks up Troubles food and water bowls opens his bedroom door to check that the coast is clear.

Then he creeps down to the basement with Trouble hot on his heels.

He sits on the floor cradling his kitten in his lap ‘OK Trouble you will have to stay down here for a while until mom comes around’

Trouble senses his masters sorrow and meows in sadness and after a few minutes Billy hugs his kitten and tells him to lay low and stay out of trouble

Then he goes  back to his bedroom and opens the window.

In the morning  Billy enters the kitchen where his mom is preparing breakfast.

Mom Trouble escaped last night I think he must of jumped out my window and run off into the fields’

Billy looks all sad and he even manages a tear or two.

His mom gives him a skepical look but soon realises that her son is crying ‘Oh Billy it is for the best,Trouble will be wild and free and who knows maybe he will find his family”

Billy nods and produces a few more crocodile tears.

Over the following days and weeks Billy plays with Trouble when his mom is out shopping or at work.

But that all changed on the night of 2nd February.

It started out as any other day Billy had come home from school he had a snack then went down to the basement to visit Trouble.

A couple of hours later his mom came home from work carrying a huge bucket of KFC.

Billy and his mom sit on the couch with the bucket of chicken between them as they watch the Simpsons on the tube.

Billys mom has had nothing to eat all day and she is swallowing way too fast and soon a bone gets lodged in her throat.

Meanwhile down in the basement Trouble is half asleep waiting for his master to bring him some food.

When the smell of fried chicken hits his nostrils.

Up on the family room Billy is running around not knowing what to do.

His moms face has gone from red to a nasty shade of purple.

The situation is getting deadly serious.

Billy calls 911 on his cell phone hoping that they get here real quick.

Trouble is halfway up the stairs when he hears his masters cries for help.

So he takes off like a cheetah chasing down a gazelle.

And right away he notices the female in distress.

Luckily for Billy Trouble knows exactly what to do.

He climbs up the curtain onto a bookcase and without a moments hesitation launches himself into thin air.

Billy is still talking to 911 when he looks up to see trouble flying through the air.

Trouble the first cat in space.

Billys mom is in a really bad way almost at heavens door when Trouble lands on her chest with a thud.

The chicken bone is dislodged from her airways and ricochets around the room

The paramedics soon arrive and after and Billy’s mom is given the all clear.

Billy gives his mom a big hug and welcomes her back to the land of the living.

Then they both look over to Trouble the hero and saviour.

But Trouble is oblivious to all the attention.

He is way to busy chewing on that pesky chicken bone.

And I get the feeling that he is here to stay.

He isn’t going anywhere.

THE END

Thanks for taking the time to read one of my stories now could you please make a donation to go towards me realizing of dream of becoming a fulltime writer. Thank again Steven.

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The Cranky Christmas Tinsel

24 Saturday Dec 2016

Posted by stevenjohnno in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

cat, chimney, christmas, revenge, santa, tinsel

Up in the corner of the living room hangs a cranky piece of tinsel.

It is a week before Christmas 2016 the piece of tinsel has been hanging

there all lonesome for almost a year.

 

He doesn’t understand why he has been left hanging there in solitude.

When all the other decorations and ornaments were packed away all nice

and snug.

Yet here he hangs covered in cobwebs and a shitload of dust.

 

There is movement below him.

And he is pleased to see the owner of the house putting up the Christmas

tree.

And start to decorate it in all sorts of baubels silver balls and stars and a

thousand xmas lights.

With an angel placed on top.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is surprised when a step ladder is positioned

below him.

And the owner of the house removes a push pin and carries him towards the

tree.

Where he is draped over a branch or two right in front and centre.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel would be smiling right now if he could.

He cant believe his luck

Now he is in the perfect spot to have some fun and a little bit of mischief.

 

The family cat wanders in and starts sniffing around the base of the tree.

The cranky Christmas decoration watches the cat and wills it to climb.

But the cat couldn’t be bothered with climbing it arches  its back and jumps

right on up.

 

The Christmas tree starts to sway as the cat wrestles among the branches

in a tangle of Christmas lights.

The cranky Christmas unwraps itself reaches down and flips the light

switch.

 

The cat screams like a banshee on heat and runs from the room destroying

everything in its path blowing smoke signals from its arse.

Now i am not a Native American so the smoke signals are hard to read

But i think it says something like ‘Holy  fucking shit’

 

Smokey the Cats fur now stands permanently on end and it will forever

have a surprised look on his face.

 

Smokey was last seen hitch hiking out town.

But i am sure that he will be back one day.

 

 

The cranky Christmas is hanging in the tree feeling mighty fine.

He looks to the kitchen table where the owner of the house is enjoying

a glass of eggnog.

She is the reason why he is so cranky.

How dare she leave him hanging all year like a forgotten sock.

And the last thing you want in your house is a cranky Christmas tinsel.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel senses movement from the corner of his eye.

And when he looks there is a black spider building a web in his fibres.

He used to be clean tucked away all tidy in a box.

But now he is green mean and mighty unclean.

 

He eyes that spider and an idea forms in his mind.

He contorts his body into the shape pf a slingshot and fires.

The spider tumbles through the air straight towards the kitchen table.

And lands with a plop right into that cup of eggnog.

 

The owner of the house is startled and when she looks down she is

surprised to see a spider doing the backstroke .

She loses control of her eggnog and it splashes between her ample cleavage.

Along with the spider.

 

I think her scream was heard from more than five miles away.

She ran around the house tearing off her clothes in a wild panic.

And naked she races into the backyard and dives into the pool.

 

The spider swims to the side and climbs out feeling rather pleased with

himself.

Than he walks back to the Christmas tree and his web on the cranky

Christmas tree.

 

After almost drowning the owner of the house retires to her room with

her two trusted companions.

A bottle of bourbon and a pack of cigarettes.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is as happy as Larry as he basks under the

Christmas lights.

He loves hanging front and centre surrounded by inferior decorations.

Than he is distracted by a noise coming from the fireplace.

And in a cloud of soot a big red arse emerges.

 

It is that old man with the white beard all the way from the North Pole.

He is carrying some weight and a great big sack.

First stop is the side table where he fills up on milk and cookies.

Than he goes to the Christmas tree takes the presents from his sack

and arranges them under the tree.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is watching Santa’s every move.

And when Santa bends over he cant help to notice that Santa’s pants

are riding low.

He is showing more crack than a freeway after an earthquake.

The cranky Christmas decides to have some fun.

He dangles down from the tree and tickles Santa’s crack.

 

Well Santa jumped higher than an Olympic pole vaulter .

And after he scraped himself from the ceiling he squeezed back up the

Chimney

And got the fuck out of there.

 

The next few days run smoothly.

The owner of the house has some family and friends over to help

celebrate the festive season.

She relaxes and enjoys life for a few days.

Than it is time to go back to work.

 

Two weeks later the owner of the house decides that it is time to pull

down the tree.

She fills box after box with all of her decorations and lights.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is still hanging on the tree when the owner

of the house returns with another empty box.

She the cranky Christmas tinsel and bends down to place him into the

box.

But she is clumsy and drops the cranky Christmas tinsel and somehow

kicks it under the lounge.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel cant fucking believe it.

He wanted to be packed away in hibernation for a year.

But instead here he is under the couch with dead cockroaches stray coins

and an assortment of crumbs.

 

But he isn’t too worried he is confident that the owner of the house will

notice and pack him away all safe and sound.

Than he feels a tug from behind.

He looks back and sees a pair of green eyes.

 

Smokey the cat is back from his road trip.

And he wants the cranky Christmas tinsel to pay.

He chews the cranky Christmas tinsel like he is a tasty chicken bone.

And he keeps on chewing until the cranky Christmas tinsel is no more.

 

A few days later smokey the cat walked up to the owner of the house.

And when she bent down to give him a pat he coughed and spluttered

and out came a nasty looking cranky Christmas tinsel fur ball.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Thanks for taking the time to read one of my stories and now if you could make a donation to help me reach my goal of becoming a fulltime writer. Thanks again Steven.

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