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‘Goiter ( 2 ) Soul Sacrifice’

16 Saturday Nov 2019

Posted by stevenjohnno in poems, stories

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Tags

descruction, evil, fire, god, horns, mayhem, murder, sacramento, san diego, tail, the devil, trident

In the first installment of this adventure I introduced you to Bernie Torrence a 35 year old retail manager from Sacramento California who had been experiencing severe stomach pain for a week.

Almost collapsing one morning while preparing to go to work all Bernie could do was stagger back to back where he hoped that the good lord would come down and carry him away.

Around lunchtime Bernie watched in horror as his stomach distended and began to swell like an over ripe watermelon and from his belly button emerged a tiny human figure ‘Hello my name is Audley Creed are you my mommy?’

Still recovering from giving birth Bernie can barely manage a whisper in reply ‘I suppose I am your mommy Audley but I am also your daddy as well’

With a squelch the rest of Audley’s body enters the world still joined to his mommy/daddy by an umbilical.

All Bernie can do is stare at the ugliest baby ever known and soon Audley will turn into the goiter from hell.

In the first few days of their acquaintance Bernie and Audley fight abd bicker over anything and everything but they both agree that Bernie is in no fit condition to return to work as the manager of the local supermarket

Bills need to be paid and now there is another mouth to feed so with no other options Bernie proposes that they appear on ‘Australia’s Got Talent’

with Audley pretending to be a ventriloquist’s dummy.

Audley isn’t keen on the idea but with no alternative he reluctantly agrees.

After a week of rehearsals they appear on the talent show and to their complete astonishment they win the audition but Audley isn’t happy with their stage name and wants it changed from ‘Torrence & Creed’ to ‘Creed & Friend’

Bernie cant believe how ungrateful the little turd is so he decides to have a few drinks to drown his sorrows and there is an upside to his alcohol intake and that is that the beer flows through his system along the umbilical cord causing Audley to become violently sick and sorry.

But not sorry enough apparently.

When Bernie fell asleep Audley chewed his way through the cord binding the two together than he wrapped the bloody appendage around Bernie’s throat in an attempt to strangle him.

Waking in fright Bernie fought for his life and managed to grab a pair of nail clippers and stab the little monster in his right eye.

Holding a hand over his face Audley flees the scene and disappears into the night.

Bernie breath’s a sigh of relief as he watches his offspring run, now hopefully now his life will return to some sort of normality.

PART TWO.

Audley stumbles along a backstreet knowing that if he doesn’t get his facial injury seen to quickly he will more than likely bleed to death before sunrise.

But luckily for him a passing paramedic notices his predicament and pulls over to offer some assistance

The two paramedics are stunned at the extent of the injury and all they can do is remove the damaged organ and apply a bandage until they transport the patient to hospital.

Audley knows that he cant let his two saviours take him to hospital where surely the cops will be summons and they would ask a lot of questions about how did he manage to be stabbed in the eye.

But being only two foot tall Audley knows that he will need help if he is get away from the paramedics.

And without an ounce of regret he calls on an inner demon and in a puff of smoke his maker the devil appears reducing his sons enemies to nothing but two piles of cinders and bone.

Bernie still cant believe that the boy that he brought into this world is just an evil motherfucker who tried to throttle him with his own umbilical cord.

When Audley fled after failing in his attempt to kill his parent he ripped the umbilical cord from Bernie’s body.

Bleeding profusely Bernie knows that he is in mortal danger so he to calls upon an inner strength.

‘God as you know I am not a believer but if you do exist can you please heal my wounds so that I can find Audley Creed and beat the shit out of him and bring him to justice before he can harm anyone else.

( As he whispered his prayer Bernie had no way of knowing that Audley with some help from the dark side has already committed the ultimate sin twice )

‘And God if you really really do exist can you please deposit $ 1 million into my bank account to pay for my funereal if you cant find in your heart to save me ‘

‘But if I do survive I promise to spend the money on my quest to track down Creed and a little on beer hookers and sundry expenses etc etc etc.

Thank you Jesus thank you Lord.

Audley Creed is almost back to his old self after the Devil held his hot trident to his eye suturing the cavity closed.

Losing an eye is a inconvenience but it is a small price to pay to be able to follow his father into the darkness.

Being the Devil’s spawn gives him a huge advantage in ensuring that all goodness and well being is destroyed forever so now the bad men in the black hats will bring pestilence and corruption for eternity.

Bernie wakes from a deep sleep with a slight headache and a full bladder.

As he stands before the throne is surprised that he doesn’t feel any more pain from his injured stomach and when he lifts his shirt he is surprised to discover that the massive wound is healed ,there isn’t even a scar.

Thank you Jesus thank you lord.

Feeling the best he has in years Bernie goes into town to celebrate the second he has been given at life but first he has to visit the bank to check if a second miracle has befallen him.

After standing in a queue for 20 minutes Bernie asks the teller if she could check the balance of his account when she tells him that currently he has $1,000,527 available.

‘Oh my God Bernie did you win the lottery or something’

Bernie has no words all he can do is sit down before he falls down.

After running a few errands Bernie still cant believe that he has over $1 million in the bank.

If God is willing to give him a shitload of money maybe he could ask for a fridge full of beer that never runs out or free flights to anywhere for the rest of his life.

He is still smiling as he pulls into his driveway when his phone pings alerting him that he has a new message.

The message is from a PRIVATE NUMBER and Bernie wouldn’t normally reply to a message from anyone hiding behind their device but this time he relents ‘Hello Bernie God here ,don’t push your luck because what I giveth I can easily take back’

“To earn your money Bernie you need to find Audley Creed and destroy his evil soul because he has just teamed up with the Devil and together those two could threaten the very existence of mankind’

‘Kill the fucker Bernie kill him dead Yours Truly God’

The message instantly disappears from the screen leaving Bernie to wonder whether having $ 1 million is really worth the hassle.

500 miles away Audley is wandering the streets of San Diego seeking food and a place to rest for the night.

He now sports a black patch over the ruined eye and every now and then he will rub the spot where his eye used to be and when he rubs Audley thinks about Bernie Torrence the man who gave birth to him and how good it will feel to slowly torture the cunt then send him on a one way ticket to hell where he will meet his original father ,the Devil.

As he saunters along he pretends not to notice the looks strangers give him as they pass by him.

It isn’t easy being two foot tall with an eye patch with a shock of orange hair.

If only the fuckers knew that with only a whisper he could have them all burnt to a crisp.

When he gets close to Jefferson Park he notices a huge big top tent set up.

The circus must be in town.

A dozen or so people have formed a line to buy tickets and Audley attempts to pass unnoticed but no such luck’Hey freak where are you going? You should join the circus because you would fit right in’

Audley eyes the creep with eyes of fire ( I should say eye of fire ) and the mouth seeing the danger in the little freaks features backs away.

Audley could easily call his father to burn the fucker but he doesn’t want to attract too much attention to himself before the Devil can end existence as we know it.

The owner of the circus a huge bear of a man who closely resembles the serial killer Ed Kemper eyes Audley suspiciously as he approaches.

Lowell Payne is not only obese but he is meaner than a wolverine and he doesn’t take kindly to trespassers ‘Hey asshole where in the fuck do you think you are going? This is private property so go back and stand in line like everybody else’

Audley looks up at the giant feeling a little like Jack in the beanstalk ‘I don’t want to buy a ticket you dumb chunk of shit. I need a place to stay for a while so shut the fuck up and give me a job and stop wasting my time’

Lowell is about to squash the potty mouthed tom thumb like a bug but he has to admit that the one eyed midget has a lot of spunk plus he is the perfect size to get shot from a cannon ‘Okay Tom I hope you have a head for heights and like the smell of gunpowder’

Today must be your lucky day because it just happens that there is a current vacancy so be here at 7 o’clock sharp tomorrow morning and don’t be late’

‘My name is Audley Creed asswipe and don’t you forget it’

‘I have nowhere else to go so I will start immediately ,now show me where I can bunk down for the night and make it snappy’

For once in his life Lowell Payne is lost for words and he glumly leads Audley to a bunch of trailers out the back.

As he follows his new boss Audley rubs the patch over his right eye with one hand while his other hand gingerly touches a pair of nodules breaking through the skin on both sides of his head.

Audley’s horns are making an appearance.

At home Bernie is perched on the edge of his seat demolishing a can of Millers Lite as he ponders the best way to locate Creed without earning the wrath of the Devil and the hell of horrors.

God has graciously given him a lot of cash and hopefully he can catch Creed without spending too much of the heavenly money.

But all that can wait until tomorrow because right now he has plans to sink a few more beers and watch some porn on the XXX channel.

Hopefully God will have his back turned and his hands out of his pockets.

Not quite in the mood just yet Bernie channel surfs and soon comes across a documentary on CBN about the plight of millions of refugees and misplaced people the world over who had to flee their homes to escape poverty and government corruption.

Transfixed Bernie forgets all about pleasuring himself watching porn and his beer is now flat and unappealing.

He vows then and there to help his fellow human beings even if it means spending every cent of God’s kind donation.

Bernie’s phone once again pings and PRIVATE NUMBER lights up the screen and this time Bernie answers immediately ‘Hello Bernie good to see that you are going to help the people because I cant do it all by myself’

Bernie you will need to use your generous heart to destroy Audley Creed because if you try to fight fire with fire you will lose and than the Devil and his one eyed apprentice will drag you down to hell where you will burn and smoulder for damnation’

Before Bernie can get a word in the message again deletes automatically and once more the born again Christian ponders whether having a lot of money is worth getting roasted alive down in the Devils basement.

He will to remember to go to the drug store and buy some super doper sunburn cream.

At the circus Audley is making a lot of new friends even though he knows that soon they will all be burning a slow burn.

He is rooming with lobster boy who has claws instead of hands plus rubber man who would win the game twister every single time.

Every day he has lunch with his room mates ,the bearded lady and a few of the clowns who all help him adjust to circus life under the big top.

Getting shot out of a cannon three times a day takes a lot of getting used to especially the hot wick burning his butt and the safety net could be a tad wider.

Audley no longer rubs his eye patch even though the still holds a hate for Bernie Torrence.

He now rubs the two horns that recently sprouted on his head.

Like father like son.

Bernie is now a fully fledged man of God and now he walks the street in a long white gown and has let his hair grow’

The only disappointment is his scraggly beard that wouldn’t look out of place on a pimply faced teenager.

He bought himself a bible from a secondhand store and reads the scriptures to anyone who will listen and next week Bernie will celebrate the opening of a new soup kitchen.

Audley along with two pointy horns now has an itch above his butt crack where a tail is beginning to form plus his skin is now a deep red colour.

He is now officially a little Devil.

And his new appearance hasn’t gone unnoticed Lowell Payne who is keen to cash in because when it comes to the circus there is no such thing as too many freaks.

Audley is due at the office to pick up his pay check and when he does Lowell will tell him days of getting shot from a cannon are over because now is will be the circus’s new star attraction Lil’ Lucifer.

Lowell is busy calculating how much money his new freak will bring to the circus when the horned one enters his office.

Audley takes a seat and listens as his boss tells him about his new role but as Lowell talks his balls do a somersault in their sac when he comes to realise that Audley is actually a readers digest condensed version of the prince of darkness a real life Devil with horns a tail red skin and a temper to match.

Realizing the danger that he is in Lowell attempts to flee but the one eyed mini lucifer is having none of that and he rubs his hands together furiously causing sparks to fly around the room disorientating the scared circus owner.

Then Audley swings his newly formed tail and the barbs on the end sink into Lowell’s rotund belly who falls to the ground sirloined and purloined.

Lowell Payne is now nothing more than fresh kibble.

The Devil is watching his protégé on CCTV live from his over heated basement with pride burning his black heart.

His demon seed is progressing well and if all goes as planned planet earth will become a wasteland.

Satisfied that Lowell has been burnt to a crisp Audley gathers up his tail and runs outside where he shoots more sparks into the big top and into his co- workers trailers.

Then he stands back and watches as flames ignite spreading quickly devouring the tent and trailers and all persons within.

All up that night 280 people lost their lives as evil tries to take control from the good and steal the souls from the living.

Bernie Torrence is busy in his kitchen serving up the soup of the day and as he ladles out another bowl of chicken noodle soup to one of his regulars his eyes steal a glance ata small TV attached to a wall.

His eyes widen in alarm and recognition as he listens to a news report from San Diego.

He becomes increasingly worried as the reporter ,Penny Waffleon gushes ‘News just coming in from San Diego ,a fire has burnt down the big top and surrounding trailers of a visiting circus killing all 230 patrons and circus workers’

‘Even more disturbing is that the police believe that the fire was deliberately lit with an eye witness telling them that he saw a person of a small stature fleeing the scene.’

‘The suspect is described as being only two feet tall with a patch over his right eye and I know this will sound strange but he perpetrator is said to has horns and a long tail’

Now over to Dan Druff with the weather ,Dan’

Bernie tells his cook to take over and he rushes out to his car and begins the two hour drive to San Diego.

As he drives Bernie half expects God to ring with instructions on how to stop a sunburnt midget from starting complete mayhem.

When he reaches his destination Bernie still hasn’t heard a peep from his maker but he isn’t that concerned because he can feel God’s presence all around him.

The area around the crime scene is taped off with homicide detectives scanning the surrounds looking for clues but unfortunately there is no sign of Audley Creed.

50 metres away Audley smiles when he sees his Bernie over near the police containment line.

He has taken refuge behind a dumpster having been unable to escape and so far he has managed to stay hidden from the cops.

Now with his birth father unknowingly coming to his rescue Audley knows exactly what he needs to do.

Unseen he sidles up beside his dad and grabs hold of his hand.

Bernie almost died there and then when he looked down and saw who was holding his hand immediately he tried to break free but Audley was holding him in a vice like grip, ‘Why you little Devil you are even more evil than I ever imagined and you are definitely no son of mine so just give up and accept your punishment’

Before Bernie can alert the police he falls to his knees in intense pain and to his astonishment his belly button from where he gave birth to Audley opens up and the evil little fucker crawls inside like a joey kangaroo returning to the pouch.

The genie is back in the bottle.

The Devil is disappointed that his protégé couldn’t achieve his objective this time because he has been waiting for eons to bring darkness to mankind so a few more months shouldn’t make much difference.

Up amongst the clouds God is relieved that the ultimate fight has been put on hold for a while and he is still confident that Bernie want let him down.

Plus if he needs to step in and perform a miracle or two to help save humanity than he will.

THE END

PART THREE is coming soon so keep an eye out.

U Devil Ewe

28 Saturday Jul 2018

Posted by stevenjohnno in poems, stories, Uncategorized

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Tags

fire, happy, new zealand, sad, shearers, sheep, te kuiti, wool

The following is a story about a ewe that doesn’t like to be sheared and will do anything she can to avoid it.

 

Te kuiti is a tiny town a little way south of Hamilton on the north island of New Zealand.

New Zealand is known as the land of the long white cloud and its stunning landscapes captured in all its splendour in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

While Te kuiti is also beautiful town it is best known for its award winning sheep.

 

One of those sheep is a three year old ewe named Molly.

Molly hasn’t won any ribbons ad she isn’t about to any time soon.

Not unless they are handing out ribbons for being the most cantankerous  ewe on the island.

Because if they were Molly would surely be wearing a shit load of bling.

 

Soon after she was born Molly was rejected by her mother and left to the elements and she would have died on her first day in this world if her bleating wasn’t heard by farmer Bob.

He gently picked her up from the wet grass and carried inside the farmhouse where his daughter he and his two daughters fed Molly her first bottle of milk.

 

Everyday Molly drank bottle after bottle of the fat rich liquid and after a couple of months she was getting to be a little to big for the house.

Plus farmer Bob and his offspring were getting annoyed by Molly blocking the heat coming from the wood fire and leaving little pellets of joy all around the joint.

 

Molly has over stayed her welcome so farmer Bob leads her and puts her in a paddock with hundreds of other ewes and lambs

‘Holy crap’ mutters Molly ‘it is freaking freezing out here’ Then Molly hangs her head as it begins to rain.

The life of a sheep is sometimes not a whole lot of fun and sunshine.

 

Molly bleats throughout the day hoping that the farmer will come running and take her back inside to the warmth of the fire.

But when her cries fall on deaf ears Molly trudges to a corner of the paddock and sobs under the dark sky until she falls to sleep.

 

Molly has survived the first six months of life by the skin of her teeth and everyday she grows bigger and stronger.

She is no longer a lamb shivering in the cold and rain now Molly is now a strong kiwi ewe.

And she is also sporting a fleece of premium quality wool.

 

Molly eyes the other sheep with contempt as she struts around the paddock like she is best in show.

She thinks that because she was hand raised and has one of the finest fleeces in the flock that she is somehow special.

But she is in for a big shock.

 

Molly is minding her own business chewing on some grass when she is scared half to death by a dog snapping at her heels.

She doesn’t really know what is happening but being a sheep she just follows the other sheep into a holding pen.

Molly tries to hide at the back of the pen because she has a feeling that something bad is about to happen.

She hears a human approaching and her heart leaps maybe it is that nice farmer that saved her from a certain death and took her into his home?

But she soon realises her mistake and tries to flee but she doesn’t get vey far before she is grabbed and manhandled into a shearing shed.

She is put into a very undignified position by a rough looking shearer who proceeds to cut off her golden fleece.

 

Two minutes later Molly feels the shearers hand on her rump and with a slap she is pushed down the chute and back out into the sunshine.

Well I say sunshine but we are in New Zealand after all.

What I meant to say is overcast with a constant threat of rain.

 

But at the moment Molly isn’t interested in my weather reports because she is shivering in the corner of the holding pen feeling all naked and exposed.

She stares up to the shearing and makes a vow to never let herself be shorn ever again.

 

Molly is back in her paddock recovering from her ordeal when she has the ovine version of a brainwave.

What if she can somehow ruin her fleece and make it unworthy of being removed.

Then she could be warm and mellow all year round.

 

So in the following months as her fleece begins to grow out she rolls around in the mud picking up all kinds of burrs and thorns plus a good covering of dung.

She now looks and smells like something from a sewerage treatment plant.

So she is confident that when the dog herds her back into the holding pen that she will be left alone.

And sure enough a week later that pesky dog does return and the flock is once more herded into the pen.

 

Again Molly hangs out at the back and she watches as one by one the other sheep disappear up into the shearing shed until she is the last ewe standing.

‘Well well well what do we have here?’ one of the shearers mutters to his mate’What do you think bro? Maybe we should water blast her to get her wool nice and shiny ready for a clipping’

‘Or we could just shoot her right here and now and cut her into chops or maybe a nice brisket?’

Molly doesn’t know what water blasting or a nice brisket is but it sounds like it would hurt so she rubs herself against the fence and rubs off all the burrs and thorns and after a quick dip in the water through to clean off the crap.

She is once again shoved into the shearing shed and has another hair cut

 

Molly is wandering around her paddock and she is spitting chips.

Why do the shearers continue to take her woollen overcoat?

Don’t they know that it is fucking freezing out here?

Molly knows that she really shouldn’t say the F word but enough is enough.

Never again will she allow herself to be shorn again.

And this time she means it

 

Six months later Molly is relaxing in her paddock when she notices a cloud of dust coming from the front gate.

And soon enough the first of the utes arrive ‘Holy crap’ Molly runs around in a panic not nothing what to do when she hears MOO.

Over in the next paddock a herd of cows are standing around doing a whole lot of nothing.

Molly thinks for a second she takes a few steps back then runs as fast as she can and jumps over the fence.

She flies through the air like Steve MacQueen in the Great Escape and lands in the middle of the startled cows.

 

Molly smiles to herself an hour later when she sees the dog herding the other sheep into the holding pen.

‘Stick that up ya’ Molly says before she joins her new bovine friends as they eat grass and chew on their cud

But the good times don’t last long because early the next morning farmer Bob opens the gate and all the cows follow him toward the milking shed.

Molly knows that she is in deep doo doo and tries to act and look like a cow but she knows that she isn’t fooling anybody especially not farmer Bob who grabs her by the scruff of the neck ‘Come here u devil ewe’

 

Later in the year Molly once again notices the cloud of dust coming from the front gate ‘Holy fuck it is that time again’

She is sporting a flawless gag free fleece of wool and she doesn’t want to lose it.

She has been exchanging glances with a ram so she wants to be at her best.

What would a randy ram want with a ewe that was nothing but skin and bone?

She knows that if she is to defeat the shearers this time than she will has to come up with a wooly wooly good plan.

 

She is rubbing her itchy butt against a rusty bale of fencing wire when a cunning plan begins to form.

She nibbles on the rusty wire hoping that her fleece will turn into a good for nothing fleece of steel wool

She continues to chew ‘God I know I need some iron in my diet but this is ridiculous’

And after chewing for an hour her wool turns silver with a few rust flecks.

And not before time because the dog arrives  and Molly follows the others into the pen.

But she doesn’t stop there she walks up right up the chute’Come on shear me you fuckers’

 

Two of the best shearers in New Zealand ‘Wazza’ Smith and Bazza; Jones look at each other in astonishment when a weird looking ewe arrives demanding to be shorn

Wazza being the head shearer shakes his head ‘This one is all yours Bazza I am going out for a smoke’

Bazza swears under his breath and grabs hold of Molly and prepares to shear her so he can go have a ciggy with Wazza.

 

But as soon as the clippers touch the wool a shower of sparks fly in all directions.

A few sparks land on a fleece of wool that is spread out on a nearby table.

At first nothing happens but then the lanolin in the wool catches fire and it soon takes hold .

Bazza and Molly both run for their lives and barely make it before the roof caves in.

And ten minutes later the shearing shed is reduced to nothing but a charred pile of rubble.

 

Molly survives but she isn’t happy.

She is singed and looks and smells like a forlorn crispy crispy critter.

What ram in his right mind would even look at her?

But then a wet tongue nuzzles her ear and the ram of her dreams is comforting her with tender kisses.

And even though Molly isn’t looking her best at the moment she snuggles up to her ram.

Her life is now complete.

BAA BAA BAA BAA BAA BAA

 

THE END

 

 

Dragons Breath

30 Saturday May 2015

Posted by stevenjohnno in poems, stories

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

dragons, fire, gail morgan

Deep inside middle Earth  lives a group of fire

breathing Dragons

Well I say fire breathing

But all that they are breathing now is smoke

Their fire has been extinguished

Now they are very undistinguished

They have lost their spark

You are not a true Dragon if you cant breathe fire

It is like a Bird that cant fly

Or a Fish that cant swim

The Dragons are getting worried

So the Elders call a special meeting

They need to find a solution

So they consult a mystical sorcerer

The sorcerer reads a old and worn Dragon

medical journal

And he mixes up a foul smelling potion of secret

herbs and spices

The KFC of the Dragon world

A young Dragon couple named Mr and Mrs Rockpile

Are expecting their first baby

They are also to be the Guinea Pigs

Mrs Rockpile drinks the potion and straight away she

feels a heat building up deep inside

The pregnancy goes well and Mrs Rockpile is getting

very very wide

Three months later their Son Barney is born

He is the perfect Baby

And he sleeps through most of the night

Barney has a drink of Baby formula for

breakfast

Mrs Rockpile taps Barney on the back

To bring up his wind

The Dragon community has gathered around

in the hope that Barney might burp up a spurt

of fire

But all they get is a puff of smoke

For one year Barney burps nothing but smoke

There is not even a flicker of flame

On his first birthday his family decide to throw

Barney a birthday party

After Barney with the help of his Mum unwraps

his presents

It is time for the birthday cake

In the  middle of the cake is one unlit candle

Mum and Dad tell Barney to breathe fire

So that he can light the candle

Barney concentrates real hard

Says a prayer to the fire Gods

And then he lets rip

Out comes a little puff of smoke

But then there is a thunderous sound

And out shoots a wall of flame

Like a flamethrower from hell

The birthday cake is melted

And the family and guests run as the house

burns to the ground

The whole valley rumbled with that fire breathing

sound

All of the Female Dragons are given the potion to drink

And one by one more fire breathing Dragons are born

Barneys Mum gives birth is a Son they call Connor

And to mark the occasion a BBQ is arranged

Barney as the first of the new breed of fire breathing

Dragons is the guest of honour

Barney is asked to light the BBQ

And he does as he is asked

All goes well and the Dragons enjoy some Brontosauras

burgers

Soon the valley is full of fire breathing Dragons

And Dragons are once again back to where they belong

Ruling centre Earth

Everybody knows that erupting Volcanos  is the breathe

of an angry Dragon

Sometimes Volcanos become extinct and they can lay

dormant for years

And then Dragons will breathe fire again

The Legend lives on

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