I went to a football game the other day
I sat on the grass on the hill.
My favourite team won
they were in for the kill.
I am my thirteenth beer
some goes in my mouth
but most of it I spill.
My shirt is saturated
I feel like a bit of a dill.
Man this grass and dirt is really
uncomfortable.
my arse is completely numb.
I have to get out of here.
I have a dire rear.
I decide to take flying lessons
I will be in charge of a plane.
I feel like Steve Mc Queen or
maybe John Wayne.
The Instructor shows me what
controls to push.
But they all look the same
My mind is losing control
then it starts to rain.
I cant see a thing
the instructor takes the reins
if anything should happen
he is to blame haha
This pilot seat is like a slab
of concrete.
Get me out of here
I have a bad dire rear.
I think I would be a good race car
driver.
So I go to the track
All of me went that day
But part of me didn’t come back.
Things are going well
I am racing through the gears
Going really fast around the bends
This is easier then I thought
What was I worried about.
The steering wheel feels a little
funny.
Like a wheel has lost its balance.
The wheel hasn’t lost its balance
it is bouncing down the track.
My butt cheeks clench
I try to keep control
Just get me out of here
I have a bad dire rear.
Ok that didn’t go so well
maybe I should find something
a bit more mellow
I am going to become a fire fighting
fellow.
Naturally they put me in charge
of driving the truck
I pray to Jesus wish me luck.
A call comes in
a house is on fire
I slide down the pole and jump
into the drivers seat
I turn on the siren
I am out of here
But maybe I should wait for the other
fire fighters.
Ok we are all on board
I race to the scene at a hectic pace.
It brings back memories of when I
used to race.
The memories aren’t good
This will be better touch wood.
We arrive at the scene
I am going a little fast
I sort of clip the kerb
and demolish the fire hydrant
Water flies into the air.
But not where it is supposed to go
The house I am sorry to say is lost
This fire fighting seat is little to hot
Get me out of here
I am sorry to say
I have a bad dire rear.
I have always liked the water
So my next job
is the Captain of a cruise ship
I travel the world
going from city to city
I am in control of a ship the length
of three football fields.
It makes you stop and think
This ship is in control of Colonel Klink.
Coming into Newcastle harbour
just past Nobbys head
I sort of over steer
and run right into the pier.
People scatter
the whole wharf disappears
Whoops maybe I should stick to
automatic.
This Captains seat is a little to hot
to handle.
Just get me out of here
I have a bad dire rear.
I have come to realise that I have to
play it safe.
My next job will be sitting down
until I chafe.
So I apply to become an Astronaut
and to my surprise I am accepted
to the course.
Maybe they haven’t heard about my
last job
where I almost destroyed a city.
Somebody should have checked
that is a pity.
First day on the job
wearing an anti gravity suit
I pass the G force test.
that is a miracle right there
And I fly off to the stars.
I am sitting next to a Monkey
floating past the Milky Way
On my way to the control panel
my hand brushes against a lever.
The Monkey flies past
on his way to somewhere
And I just felt something land in
my underwear.
Please God get me out of here
I have a bad a really bad dire rear.
