stevenjohnstonblog

~ Short stories about anything and everything

stevenjohnstonblog

Tag Archives: hot seat

Dire Rear

17 Tuesday Mar 2015

Posted by stevenjohnno in poems, stories

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

hot seat, out of your depth

I went to a football game the other day

I sat on the grass on the hill.

My favourite team won

they were in for the kill.

I am my thirteenth beer

some goes in my mouth

but most of it I spill.

My shirt is saturated

I feel like a bit of a dill.

 

Man this grass and dirt is really

uncomfortable.

my arse is completely numb.

I have to get out of here.

I have a dire rear.

I decide to take flying lessons

I will be in charge of a plane.

I feel like Steve Mc Queen or

maybe John Wayne.

The Instructor shows me what

controls to push.

But they all look the same

My mind is losing control

then it starts to rain.

I cant see a thing

the instructor takes the reins

if anything should happen

he is to blame haha

This pilot seat is like a slab

of concrete.

Get me out of here

I have a bad dire rear.

 

I think I would be a good race car

driver.

So I go to the track

All of me went that day

But part of me didn’t come back.

Things are going well

I am racing through the gears

Going really fast around the bends

This is easier then I thought

What was I worried about.

 

The steering wheel feels a little

funny.

Like a wheel has lost its balance.

The wheel hasn’t lost its balance

it is bouncing down the track.

My butt cheeks clench

I try to keep control

Just get me out of here

I have a bad dire rear.

 

Ok that didn’t go so well

maybe I should find something

a bit more mellow

I am going to become a fire fighting

fellow.

 

Naturally they put me in charge

of driving the truck

I pray to Jesus wish me luck.

 

A call comes in

a house is on fire

I slide down the pole and jump

into the drivers seat

I turn on the siren

I am out of here

But maybe I should wait for the other

fire fighters.

 

Ok we are all on board

I race to the scene at a hectic pace.

It brings back memories of when I

used to race.

The memories aren’t good

This will be better touch wood.

 

We arrive at the scene

I am going a little fast

I sort of clip the kerb

and demolish the fire hydrant

Water flies into the air.

But not where it is supposed to go

The house I am sorry to say is lost

This fire fighting seat is little to hot

Get me out of here

I am sorry to say

I have a bad dire rear.

I have always liked the water

So my next job

is the Captain of a cruise ship

I travel the world

going from city to city

I am in control of a ship the length

of three football fields.

It makes you stop and think

This ship is in control of Colonel Klink.

 

Coming into Newcastle harbour

just past Nobbys head

I sort of over steer

and run right into the pier.

People scatter

the whole wharf disappears

 

Whoops maybe I should stick to

automatic.

This Captains seat is a little to hot

to handle.

Just get me out of here

I have a bad dire rear.

I have come to realise that I have to

play it safe.

My next job will be sitting down

until I chafe.

 

So I apply to become an Astronaut

and to my surprise I am accepted

to the course.

Maybe they haven’t heard about my

last job

where I almost destroyed a city.

Somebody should have checked

that is a pity.

First day on the job

wearing an anti gravity suit

I pass the G force test.

that is a miracle right there

And I fly off to the stars.

I am sitting next to a Monkey

floating past the Milky Way

On my way to the control panel

my hand brushes against a lever.

The Monkey flies past

on his way to somewhere

And I just felt something land in

my underwear.

Please God get me out of here

I have a bad a really bad dire rear.

Share this:

  • Share
  • Twitter
  • Facebook

Like this:

Like Loading...

Subscribe

  • Entries (RSS)
  • Comments (RSS)

Archives

  • January 2023
  • September 2022
  • June 2022
  • May 2022
  • January 2022
  • September 2021
  • August 2021
  • May 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • December 2020
  • October 2020
  • August 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016
  • January 2016
  • December 2015
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014

Categories

  • poems
  • stories
  • Uncategorized

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in

Blog at WordPress.com.

  • Follow Following
    • stevenjohnstonblog
    • Join 69 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • stevenjohnstonblog
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
%d bloggers like this: