Sister Carmel is a Twenty Eight Year old Catholic Nun
And since taking Her Vows back in 2008
She has served Her Church and Community with dignity
Everwhere She goes She gives Her Rosary a gentle rub
And She says a little Prayer.
But Sister Carmel is very Nervous
Her Eyes are going everywhere.
Last Week She was accosted and threatened by a group
While She was out and about helping the Needy.
She still cant believe that it happened.
She is a Catholic Nun.
She doesn’t carry anything of any Value.
One of the Thugs pulled out a Knife.
And threatened Sister Carmels Life.
But then the Thugs all have a laugh and go on their way.
But they cant resist a parting gesture.
The One with the Knife gives Sister Carmel a nasty little Cut
And Blood starts flowing down her cheek.
The Thugs took off Hi Fiving with a Foul Mouth Banter.
Sister Carmel runs in the opposite direction in a Habit
Sister Carmels Knees are knocking when She arrives back
at the Church.
She knows that She knows that She is in need of protection.
Maybe a Bodyguard.
Like in that Movie with Whitney Houston.
But She knows that She cant afford that.
She needs something cheap and handy.
So She will get Herself a Gun.
And become a Pistol Packing Nun.
So a few Days later She slips out of Church.
Wearing plain Street Clothes.
No One will ever know that She is a Nun.
With a $100 that Her Mother sent Her.
She hopes to Buy a Compact Pistol.
So She can feel Safe and Sound.
In fact Sister Carmel is no Stranger to Guns
Back on the Farm in Montana She was something of an Annie
She can hit a Target from Fifty Yards.
And a Deer from even further.
But now living in New York City
There is only One question.
Luger Glock or a Smith&Wesson?
It doesn’t take Her long to find a sleaze bag
Having a Car Boot Sale.
He isn’t Selling Plants Pots and Pans or Stereo Equipment
He is Selling Tasers Guns and He even has a small Rocket
Plus a fine selection of Knives.
Sister Carmel is feeling like a Cat with Nine Lives.
For $75 She buys Herself a Pocket sized Smith & Wesson
Plus a free box of Ammunition.
She feels a whole lot safer walking the Streets with a Gun
Now She is a Pistol packing Soul destroying Nun.
An it is just as well.
Because on Her way back to the Church
She stops at a Convenience Store to buy some Milk and a Twinkie
As She walks the Aisles She Hears a commotion at the Store Front.
Maybe it is just a harmless little Fight.
Or a Kid with a Water Pistol having some Fun.
Well whoever it is should know better.
Because there is nothing more dangerous than a Pistol packing Nun
Obviously they don’t.
Because a Scream rings out from the front.
Sister Carmel rushes to the Shop Assistants Aid.
Where She is confronted by a Smackhead with a Rolling Pin
The Smackhead is in a rage and a Heart full of Sin.
She is either off Her Face.
Or She is looking for some Pastry to roll out.
Off Her Face is more likely.
So Sister Carmel proceeds with caution.
You can only take Smackheads in small portions
Sister Carmel arrives quietly and unannounced
With Her Smith % Wesson at the ready.
She feels like a Paratrooper drifting in unnoticed
Sister Carmel is ready for the fight.
This is turning into a very strange Night
She aims at the Rolling Pin
And Bullseye it flies from the Smackheads grasp
She turns around to see smoke coming from the Barrel of a Gun
Then She leaves empty handed straight out the Front Door
You want see that Smackhead around here no more.
Then Sister Carmel disappears into the Night.
She cant afford to get caught up in a Police Investigation.
No innocent bystanders were Hurt
And that is all that matters.
All She wants to do is get back to the Church
And say Prayer for all of the Drug Addicts in the World.
May They get help and become Drug free.
They just have to open their Eyes and See
Back at the Church Sister Carmel has changed back into
Her Nuns Habit.
She has her Duties to perform.
She to see if the Pews are nice and clean
That all of the Candles are lit in readiness for Midnight Mass
As She goes about Her Tasks.
She can feel the Weight of the Pistol in Her Pocket.
She hopes that none of the Congregation notice the bulge.
Mass went off without a Hitch
lot of Money was put into the Collection Plate.
And Father Ybanez seems to be Happy with the turn out.
All in all it has been a good Night
So Sister Carmel retires to Her Room for a Cup of Tea.
Peace and quiet in Her own company.
A short while later a Sound emanates from the Church
Bringing Her back from Her reverie
A quick glance at the Clock that it is 2am
Father Ybanez should have retired to His Room next door
So who is in the Church trying to be quiet?
This is turning into a not so silent night.
Sister Carmel enters the Church Vestibule
And She is confronted by Two Thieves Stealing the Candlelbra
If only they knew that everything is non genuine
All of the original Gold and Silver was stolen Years ago.
Then Sister Carmel if brought down with a heavy blow
She is dragged into a corner and tied to a Chair.
But Her Hands are left untied.
She sits there watching the Two Thieves
As they fill their Duffel Bags with the Church Property
Then She reaches for Her trusty Smith % Wesson
She could Shoot them now and they wouldn’t know what
They have Her tied to a Chair
So why don’t these Two fools make good their escape?
Surly they aren’t Thinking Murder and Rape/
Then She has a second look
And She notices that the Two Thieves are wearing Rags for
And they are grimy and dirty
Like they haven’t washed in over a Year.
Sister Carmels Eyes shed a sad single Tear
Then She remembers that She is a Nun
She is on is Earth to serve God
And to help People in Need
So She starts to Talk and talk and talk and talk and talk
The Two Thieves Robert and Kelvin Jones are thinking
‘W should have brought along some Duct Tape and Ear
‘Will She ever Shut up?’
Robert and Kelvin are 25 and 23 respectively.
But they look at least 45
Years of Alcohol abuse and living on the Streets .
Has taken a heavy toll.
Now lets see if they still have a Soul?
Sister Carmel is still Talking
And Robert and Kelvin have stopped their thievery
And have started to listen
Sister Carmel is telling them about the Church’s Soup
Where they can get a decent Meal
Then She tells them about a Hostel
Where they can Sleep in a warm Bed with clean Sheets
Have a Bath and wear some clean Clothes.
And to get off the Alcohol and Drugs
They will have to go to Rehab
‘W ill She ever stop Talking? Someone please call Me a Cab’
But all of Sister Carmels words have sunk in
Because Robert and Kelvin both now walk the righteous path
It is Six Months since they tried to Rob the Church
And in that time they have both become clean and Sober
They Live in a nice little Apartment
And hold down steady Jobs
All because of a Catholic Nun Named Carmel Parker
She has made Robert and Kelvins Lives a lot brighter
Full of hope love and contentment.
You don’t need a Gun or any Weapon to make a difference
Just provide a Shoulder to Cry on.
Say a few kind words or do a good gesture
That should do the trick
Just be a better Person.
Instead of Fucking Dick.