Deep down beneath the sewer tunnels of Manhattan a huge colony of rats scurry around feeding on the flotsam & jetsam that has floated down from the city above.
The leader of the pack is a huge big balled rodent who calls himself Mr big cheese.
He is stronger then a vintage cheddar with two sharp incisors that can bite through steel and keep his enemies in line.
Mr big cheese might be the top rat in Manhattan but he is Mr nobody in the other borough’s of New York city and that digs deep in his craw because Mr big cheese has ambitions to rule the city for many years.
But at the moment he has a more immediate problem and that is the human assholes on the surface who continue to set traps and lay down poisons in an attempt to kill as many rats as possible.
All the rats are doing is feeding on the trash that the humans discard so they can feed themselves and their families.
So Mr big cheese sends word to the other head rats of the other borough’s with the intention of holding a summit meeting in central park to discuss the threat from above.
Plus he is keen to size up the other leaders to see who is ripe for the taking.
Mr big cheese arrives early and he is soon joined by Mr feta the leader of the rats in Staten Island.
He is big boned and sturdy but the word from the island suggests that even though he might look strong on the surface but underneath he is fragile and crumbles easily under pressure.
So Mr big cheese rubs his whiskers in glee as he greets the newcomer knowing that he will be easily be manipulated.
And the same could be said about Mr brie from Brooklyn and the leader of the rat pack in the Bronx Mr Camembert who rule their borough’s with an iron fist but are soft and gooey on the inside.
The four rats talk among themselves while they wait for Mr Parmigiano to arrive from Queens.
Then after keeping his comrades waiting for over an hour he strolls in with two bodyguards in tow
Known for being strong and sharp Mr Parmigiano doesn’t suffer fools and he to has high ambitions.
‘Jesus H Christ’ Mr big cheese mutters to himself ‘Who does this asshole think he is?’But he puts his first impressions to one side and calls the meeting to order.Thank you all for coming on short notice but i fear that trouble is brewing’
‘The human population on the surface has ramped up their attack on our fellow rat all over this fine city’
‘They are setting more traps and laying down poison all over the city and i am afraid that there is more to come and my constituents in Manhattan are being killed in record numbers’
Mr big cheese can see that his words have upset Mr Feta, Brie and Camembert but Mr Parmigiano just looks back in defiance without saying a word and Mr big cheese knows that he will need to keep a close eye on the king pin from the Bronx because there is only one rat to rule New York city and hold peace talks with the humans above and that is him and only him Mr Big Cheese.
‘Please go back to your borough’s and tell every rat to watch what they eat and be wary of their surroundings to avoid any danger’
Just as he is about to call an end to the meeting Mr Parmigiano interupts proceedings. ‘ Excuse me but who are you to tell us what we should do to protect the rat’
‘So far you have done all the talking but now it is now turn’
‘Humans have been trying to exterminate us rats for centuries and all you suggest is for them to watch their surroundings’
Mr Big Cheese bristles as his main opponent as mayor of New York City continues to speak’We need to go on the offensive not sit around with a finger up our butts’
The rat community needs strong leadership so i propose that we have a vote to determine the best course of action to ensure that the rat population of this city not only survives but prospers’
‘A vote for Mr so called big cheese with his policy of talk and talk and hope the problem goes away or vote for me where i propose that the rat attacks the humans on the surface and put them in their place before the rat of New York is completely wiped out’
Mr Big Cheese cant believe what he is hearing.
He called this meeting to strengthen his position and hopefully seize total control but now this upstart from the Bronx threatens not only his hope for higher office but the very existence of the rat in New York.
Because he knows that to take on the human in a fight to the death would be a huge mistake.
But a ballot has been tabled so the very future of the rat has been taken out of his hands.
And fifteen minutes later a jubilant Mr Parmigiano raises a claw in victory he has defeated Mr Big Cheese by a vote of 4 to 1.
Mr Big Cheese can see the writing on the wall so he silently slips away with his tail between his legs beaten but not defeated.
His withdrawal hasn’t gone unnoticed because Mr Parmigiano watches the retreating figure with his beady little eyes knowing that he hasn’t seen the last of Mr Big Cheese.
And what Mr Big Cheese didn’t know is that Mr Parmigiano has been bullying and harassing the three soft rats behind the scenes in the hope that this day would come.
And now his day is here.
Brie,Feta and Camembert listen in fright as Mr Parmigiano lays down the law ‘First of all when you return to your borough’s tell your rat’s to breed like they haven’t bred before because we will surely suffer a lot of fatalities in our fight against the human scum’
Secondly every single rat under your control is to climb to the surface and bite and claw as many people as they can because with the spread of disease and pestilence we will defeat the human and New York City will be ours’
‘Disobey me at your own peril’
Feta,Brie and Camembert huddle close together beneath a park bench in fear long after Mr Parmigiano has gone back to the Bronx.
What the sick fuck is proposing is sheer madness because the rats of New York have been feasting on the garbage that the wasteful humans have been throwing away since Christopher Columbus set foot on dry land.
And now the power hungry Parmigiano wants them to literally bite the hand that feeds.
But the three rats know that they are to soft and crumbly to offer much resistance to the hard as nails Parmigiano so they bid each other goodbye and then rush back to their borough to obey his command.
Over the following days the rats in Staten Island ,Brooklyn,Queens and the Bronx become more aggressive attacking and biting people on the streets and the bravest rats even enter homes and schools scratching and biting the elderly and the children of the city.
Ten days after the fateful meeting in central park a bus in the Bronx carrying 75 passengers crashed killing all on board after the driver was bitten on the neck by a kamikaze rat
In Staten Island a multitude of public buildings have been forced to close due to thousands of rats entering and biting people in broad daylight.
Over in Queens the instigator of the mayhem Mr Parmigiano is perched on the edge of a long abandoned public toilet like a king sitting on a throne.
He is pleased with the panic and chaos that his fellow rats have been causing all over the city.
All except Manhattan of course ,where Mr Big Cheese still holds sway.
Parmigiano smiles an evil two tooth grin because he has plans for Mr Big Cheese.
In Manhattan the rat at the center of Mr Parmigiano’s thoughts can feel his ears burning.
Mr Big Cheese is pleased that the turd from Queens is talking about him because he has no plans to pull up stakes and move to Florida.
New York is his city and he will defend it to his dying day.
But he can’t fight Parmigiano by himself so he calls an extraordinary meeting inviting Feta,Brie and Camembert.
And the following morning the three rats meet Mr Big Cheese once again in central park.
He welcomes his guests then gets right down to business ‘My fellow rats you have witnessed first hand the reckless behaviour of Parmigiano and his wanton attacks against the human and believe me that if the attacks continue then the leaders of the people will fight back and when they do i fear for the life of every rat in the big apple’
”We need to combine the forces of our armies and strike Parmigiano hard until he is no longer a threat to the very survival of the rat in this city’
Mr Brie’s whiskers twitch and he nervously squeaks’Mr Big Cheese you are a very popular leader in Manhattan who’s heart is in the right place’
‘And even though Parmigiano is a complete lunatic who i fear will bring this city to it’s knees if he pushes the human too far but he is bigger and stronger than and i don;t dare stand against him’
Feta and Camembert nods their heads in agreement and Feta pipes up’We all know that Parmigiano is a total asshole but he has threatened the lives our family and friends if we don’t follow his order’
‘I cant put my family and others in danger so i regret to say Mr Big Cheese that you are on your own’
And before Mr Big Cheese can reply the three soft and crumbly rats scurry back from whence they came.
Mr Big Cheese shakes his head in frustration , make no mistake he wants to be the absolute ruler of the rat kingdom but he wants to achieve that goal in a peaceful manner and not with violence and stand over tactics like that cruel Italian rat Mr fucking Parmigiano.
As he ponders his next move Mr Big Cheese remembers a day a few years back when he was on his way home from school when he was confronted by a huge Siamese cat who had intentions to eat him alive.
Then out of nowhere a huge grey rat with more pac then tupac lunged at the cat and bit it on the ass.
The Siamese took off like a bat out of hell screeching so loud it was heard all the way over in New Jersey.
The rat was named Mr Stillson because he was as hard as nails plus there was a smell about him that was both pleasant and very nasty indeed.
Stillson is just the very rat the Mr Big Cheese needs right now so he the feelers out and soon finds out that Stillson hasn’t been seen in months but his last known hang out was an old washing machine in a junk yard down near the airport.
Mr Big Cheese finds the junk yard with no trouble and is pleased to see Stillson holed up in a rusty front loader.
But his old friend hasn’t aged well and now appears frail and weak so after ten minutes of small talk Mr Big Cheese bids farewell then he scurries away.
Stillson as his friend from the old days disappears from view.
He knows that he isn’t at his best right now what with his arthritis and a dodgy knee plus his vintage tang doesn;t make him the best rat to hang with but ‘I am not dead and buried yet’ so Stillson grabs a ruck sack and follows Mr Big Cheese from a discreet distance.
Mr Big Cheese is running down the curb of main street Manhattan when he skids to a stop outside a department store with a big ass TV in a display window.
On the screen is a talking head delivering the six o’clock news’Word has just come in that the rat problem has escalated to dangerous levels with reports of over 20 thousand people visiting hospitals with rat bites and some are also being treated for rabies and other rat borne diseases’
‘And even more disturbingly there are reports of over one thousand fatalities so far due to rat attacks ‘
‘Mayor Brimball has told CBN News that he is monitoring the situation and has contacted President Chump regarding potentially sending in the national guard to eradicate the rat scourge once and for all’
‘Now here is Ken Knight with the weather.Ken’
Mr Big Cheese is horrified with the turn of events and now there is only one option left ,he needs to kill Parmigiano before the leads the rat into total catastrophe.
He changes direction and heads toward Queens where he will take on Parmigiano.
Mr Big Cheese is concentrating so hard on his mission that he doesn’t notice an old frail rat following close behind.
When he reaches the bowels of Queens Mr Big Cheese has no trouble locating Parmigiano’s bunker because his high pitched squeaks echo around the tunnels like Hitler with his balls in a vice.
Mr Big Cheese has no need for goggle maps because he now knows exactly where the Italian turncoat is.
He uses his two big front teeth to gnaw through the concrete wall of the bunker and soon he is inside but he is immediately seized by six rogue rats and tied to a pole ‘Well well well what do we have here’ snarls Mr Parmigiano’If it isn’t the teeny weeny Mr Big Cheese’
‘Did you honestly believe that you could stop me from taking control of the city’
Mr big Cheese struggles against the restraints but he soon tires.
Then his eyes begin to water as a god awful stench fills the bunker .
‘Sorry about that’ says Stillson as he enters the bunker ‘I have been farting all day and let me tell you that that is the last time that i eat a curry five days past its use by date’
Stillson is mighty proud of himself and to add insult to injury he rubs a gland on his chest releasing a vintage cheesy smell that makes breathing all but impossible.
Parmigiano and his lackeys run toward the border in an effort to reach the safety of Canada.
And they are quickly joined by millions of rats who stampede in a desperate attempt the stench.
Stillson unties his friend and Mr Big Cheese grimaces in response ‘I forgot that you could let rip with the best of them you really know how to cut the cheese’
Then the two rats run from the bunker before they are overcome and they only just make it.
It is now six weeks after the stench rumbled through the tunnels beneath New York and some of them are still uninhabitable.
Mr Big Cheese is safely holed up beneath a bridge in Chicago while Parmigiano is licking his wounds in a town across the border close to Niagara Falls.
But make no mistake they both have a burning desire to return to the city of their birth and reign supreme.
THE END
