I know that what i am about to do is a bad idea,but i do it anyway.
A friend of mine suggested that we grab a slab of beer and then test drive one of those segway contraotions.
The beer part sounds good but the segway bit has my knees a knocking.
You see i have no balance at all and can barely walk in a straight line now i am supposed to ride a segway.
I broke my arm riding a skateboard when i was a kid so i am not exactly thrilled with my friends idea but for a few beers i am up for the challenge.
But i also think that i should ring 000 and tell them to have an ambulance on standby.
By the way my name is Shaun Browne and i am 32 years old australian with brown hair and a full beard.
I like to have a few drinks at the pub with my mates after work and tell the odd tall story or two.
But this is going beyond a joke how am i supposed to ride a segway and somehow stay alive?
My mate Stephen Johnson has been in my ear for weeks with this segway crap.
He knows that i like to have my feet planted firmly on the ground
But a person can only take so much so we shake hands and agree to meet in the woolies car park at 8 pm.
I get there early and sink a few more beers and smoke a tasty bud working up some courage.
Stephen arrives and suggests that we have a bet to mark the occasion and after a bit of arguing we agree that the whoever rides the segway the longest without falling off will be declared the winner.
While the loser will have to run naked around the car park.
And no one needs to see my wobbly bits so that gives me a big incentive to win this bet.
Stephen tosses a coin to see who will go first i call heads and tails it is so i am not off to a good start.
I say a silent prayer and mount the segway and power up.
At this time of night in bundy the car park is almost empty with only a few scragglers doing some last minute shopping.
I hit the gas and take off real slow Stephen yells out ‘Come on Shaun get your finger out are you a man or a fucking mouse?’
Well i give a squeak and stroke my whiskers as i turn around and give him the finger.
Which was a huge mistake because i lost my centre of gravity and almost fell off.
Then a trolley boy decides to push his load right in my path ‘Shit’ I power up to avoid him and thought i had avoided a collision but one of the wheels must have hit the front trolley and i am airborne
But after performing a 360 with a half pike i land with style.
Stephen is jumping up and down waving his arms around like a madman and i wave back in triumph and give him a bow.
Then i hear the trolley boy scream in terror ‘Hey mister watch out’ I turn but have no time to react before i get flattened and smashed by a truck leaving the supermarket.
My last thought on earth was whether i will wind up in heaven or down in hell and i am pretty sure that i will soon be shaking hands with the devil.
Next thing i know i am floating on a fluffy cloud heading toward the biggest pair of gates that i have ever seen.
Then a figure appears and introduces himself ‘Hello Shaun my name is Saint Peter and i am the man in charge up here in heaven.But at the moment we are full so you might have a bit of a wait’
I am amazed that i made it up here and look over to those huge pearly gates in wonder’That is OK Saint Peter i am a patient man take your time i can wait for years and years’
Saint Peter points over to a bench just near the gates and tells me to take a seat and wait until my name is called.
So i stroll over and make myself comfortable and wait.
I find myself walking along gravel path that winds its way through a brooding dark forest.
I immediately think of little red riding hood and the wicked witch and when i come to a bend in the path i am half expecting the big bad wolf to be lurking there.
But all i see is a big sign saying ‘Welcome To The Garden Of Eden’.
I walk into the garden and am surrounded by a grove of apple trees and as i go to pick a piece a voice pipes up behind me ‘ I wouldn’t do that if i was you,that fruit is forbidden’
I turn around to see a completely naked man standing there and he is well hung like a cashew.
I know that i shouldn’t really say anything but i point at the offending member ‘That thing should be covered at all times,use a fig leaf or something’
‘Adam where are thee? A young lady walks up to us ‘Hello Eve give us a kiss’
As Adam and Eve stand there holding hands i can’t help himself and i give Eve the once over.
But then i remember my loving fiance Anastasia and quickly avert my gaze.
Soon Adam and Eve are horizontal and really going for it
I reach into my pocket for my mobile phone so that i can record the action but don’t get the chance because Adam has finished already.
A serpent hands Eve an apple and she takes a bite of the forbidden fruit and well you know the rest.
I leave Adam and Eve as they smoke a cigarette and share a block of cadburys.
I keep walking along the path wondering what will happen next when my beard starts to itch and tingle.
I scratch and scratch and a shitload of hair falls to the ground and i watch in amazement as my hair follicles start to form words
Head in a westerly direction until you reach the base of mount sinai a well known local is about to make a big annoucement’
Well i have nothing better to do at the minute so i get my bearings and head west.
As i walk my beard is still annoying me as it tingles full of static
I know one thing that it isn’t full of and that is food crumbs.I havent
eaten anything since starting since crazy adventure and i would do anything for a pie and sauce.
And i would kill for some chips with gravy and a couple of pints.
As i get closer to my destination my salivary glands are working overtime.
Hopefully there will be a food van in the car park.
A kebab a works burger maybe even a custard tart,i haven’t had one of those in years.
Even a fucking frozen sausage roll
Just give me some food.
But when i arrive at the base of the mountain there isn’t a food van in sight there isn’t even a car park. ‘Where do they park they park their chariots?’
I walk towards the summit where i come across an old man with crazy hair.
This must be Moses.
Hi Moses i am Shaun,so what is the big announcement? ‘Well my son i plan to climb to the top of this mountain and then i will part the red sea’
I have another look at Moses and he reminds me of Albert Einstein having another bad hair day ‘Ah no offence Moses but it looks to me that you having trouble parting your hair let alone trying to part a sea’
Moses doesn’t seem to be discouraged by my words and starts to climb towards the summit.
When we arrive Moses raises his arms to the sky and starts to yabber in one of those foreign languages latin or hebrew i think.
And to my amazement the red sea begins to part with waves 100 feet or more filling the landscape.
Rolling and tumbling they form the perfect tube.
‘Jesus Christ on a fucking stick look at the size of those waves’ I realise that what i said might not be appropriate in my present company ‘Sorry Moses just a slip of the tongue’
Hey Moses can you should come home with me and part my local break,it would be a huge hit with the nippers’
But Moses isn’t listening he is bending down searching for something in the grass and after a few seconds he lifts up two huge stone thingymebobs.
What you got there Moses? Well my son these two tablets are inscribed with the ten commandments’
‘Tablets? you say Moses what sort have you got?’
Just then my beard starts to tingle and itch real bad.
I scratch and scratch and i realise that i am over this travelling adventure stuff now all i want to do is go back to the pearly gates and wait my turn.
But i cant resist looking down to see what words are written in the sand ‘Look for a cave just east of Jerusalem there you will meet your maker.Find the cave and you will be a chosen one’
I sigh as i read the words and my stomach reminds me that is it empty.
OK one last trip then i am out of here.
So i head off toward Jerusalem with my stomach still screaming and after a couple of hours i am at my wits end.
Then from the corner of my eye i sense some movement and as i look over i see a huge boulder being pushed aside.
And a robed figure steps out from the opening of a cave.
Congratulations Shaun you are you only person to witness my resurrection please come to me my son’
I look at the somewhat familiar figure and i know that i have seen this bloke before and then it dawns on me ‘Jesus Jesus is that really you?
‘Yes Shaun i am Jesus of Nazareth the son of God the creator of all beings’
‘Jesus Jesus i cant believe that i am actually talking to you but can i ask you for a big favour?’
‘Maybe you can perform one of your miracles and whip up some tucker because you see Jesus i haven’t eaten in such a long time’
‘What would you like my son? My speciality is forty loaves and forty fish plus i also can turn water into wine’
‘Jesus Jesus there is no need to go to so much trouble just one loaf and a snapper will surely hit the spot’
than Jesus surprises me when he replies in an aussie accent ‘No worries Shaun,i will prepare a meal of Barramundi and piping hot damper’
‘Cool Jesus you haven’t by any chance got a esky full of tooheys new nearby?’
‘Sorry my son i can turn water into wine but not into bottled beer’
No worries JC just thought i would ask’
‘Jesus does his thing and before i know it i am chowing down on fresh damper and barra.
I dig in with enthusiasm and swallow every bite with zeal
‘Great meal Jesus you should open your own restaurant’
Jesus doesn’t reply he just bows his head in prayer and soon i am praying along with him.
Then i remember the voice telling me that if i found the cave i would become a chosen one.
I raise my head to see Jesus looking at me ‘Don’t worry my son i have some special plans for you.
My mind goes into free fall,what does Jesus mean?
I have met Saint Peter plus there is a Saint Paul a Saint Luke and plenty of other saints so why not a Saint Shaun?
‘Shaun Shaun Shaun wake up you have to go to work’
‘God what now i was just about to be canonised and was having a great time with Jesus.
I feel someone shaking me and i open my eyes to see Anna leaning over me ‘Shaun if you don’t get out of bed i will kick your arse all the way to Brisbane.
So it is no Saint Shaun for me but it is good to be home with the love of my life.