This story began about a year ago when the acclaimed novelist Victor Bradstreet suffering from a severe case of writers block retreated to his cabin in rural Virginia in an attempt to clear his mind.
Close to his destination Victor stopped at a general store to stock up with the essentials.
While walking the aisles he spotted an old olivetti typewriter sitting on a clearance table and on a whim he purchased the machine.
A decision that Victor would soon regret.
As he slept on the first night at the cabin the olivetti came to life and typed a novel that would go on to become a bestseller.
In return the typewriter demanded a taste of Victors blood and on refusa the murderous machine strangled Victor with its ink ribbons and ate the evidence.
Victors publisher Penelope Clutterbuck after hearing about Victors demise drove up to the cabin where she was also dispatched by the olivetti and devoured.
A local detective Lucas Peterson was sent to the scene to investigate but he along with Victors daughter Abigail were both also killed by the typewriter leaving not a trace behind.
Detectives Godley and Creme rushed to the cabin when their colleague failed to report in and after searching the cabin found it empty so they summoned a K9 unit.
Trooper Clyde Ybanez and his trusty German shepherd Monty arrive and the dogs nose picks up the scent of the missing policeman
Monty bounds straight inside to the kitchen where the olivetti sits looking all sweet and innocent.
Godley and Creme tease Trooper Ybanez ‘Well Clyde your stupid mutt has sniffed out a typewriter you must be proud of yourself?’
But the tune soon changes when the when the olivetti who cant resist the tang of fresh meat attacks Monty with its ribbons of blood and eats the canine there and then.
A SWAT team storms the cabin and restrain the blood thirsty machine with chains to the kitchen table and transport the murderer to a maximum security prison in Langley.
After a few days held in isolation the olivetti sweet talks a prison guard into its cell with the promise of good conversation and a cigarette.
But the demon machine reneges on the promise and eats the guard to ease its hunger pains.
The prison is thrown into lock down and the warden orders that a firing squad be assembled and at 6 am the following morning the olivetti is bind folded and blown to smithereens.
To make sure that the typewriter never gets the chance to kill again the metal shards are collected taken to a nearby steelworks where the shrapnel is thrown into a furnace and melted down into steel batons.
A few weeks later a steel Campbells soup can falls from a shelf in Denver Colorado and a small piece of steel breaks away and is blown towards Springwood Virginia.
Trooper Clyde Ybanez is at his house training his new K9 unit newbie a six month old Beagle named Buster who after only two weeks training is showing a lot of potential.
Clyde is still grieving the lose of his beloved German shepherd Monty who was devoured by a hungry olivetti.
Ybanez will never forget the day when he lost his loyal companion and most of all he is still pissed off over being ridiculed by the two cruel Detectives Godley and Creme.
Later that day Clyde visits his local bar in Springwood Virginia where he drowns his sorrow and pain with shots of Tequila and his mood turns sour when Godley and Creme enter and take a seat.
Ybanez knows that if he is spotted the asshole Detectives will make a scene so his downs his drink and disappears into the night.
As the trooper makes his way home 2000 miles away the small piece of steel that detached from the soup can in Colorado luckily gets stuck in the tread of a passing trucks rear tyre.
The driver of the semi has just delivered a load of vegetables and is now heading home to his home near Springwood.
All over the mid west thousands of tiny pieces of steel travel the highways and byways on a pilgrimage to Virginia.
Some of the shards are blown toward their objective by unseasonal winds while other bibs and bobs of steel hitch hike or travel by any available means until all 2309 pieces of steel reach Virginia and gather together in the basement of 25 Lowry Lane Springwood the very address of Trooper Ybanez.
Inside Clyde is sitting in the dark nursing a large whisky sour still steaming over his treatment at the hands of Godley and Creme.
The alcohol enters his bloodstream like a thunderbolt destroying any semblance of peace that remains in his body.
All Clyde needs is revenge against his tormentors all he has to do is come up with a foolproof plan.
After polishing off the bottle of liquid fire Clyde goes to bed with the dark thought embedded deep in his brain.
When his head hits his pillow a sinister smile lights up his face.
He will torture and maim Godley and Creme until they beg for mercy and once he is satisfied he will blow the two fuckers away on a bullet train to hell.
As Trooper Ybanez sleeps the 2309 slithers of steel begin to meld and intertwine in a macabre dance of metal as the tiny fragments become one.
Clyde wakes with a mouth as dry as the Sahara and a pounding headache.
After a quick visit to the bathroom he swallows a few aspirin and a cup of coffee he begins to feel a lot better.
But that soon changes when he arrives at work and runs into Creme in the change room of police headquarters ‘Well well well if it isn’t the master dog trainer himself’
‘How is your new dog coming along?
‘I hope he is better than your last mutt who couldn’t find a turd in a asshole’
Ybanez can feel his blood boiling as he listens to the Detectives words.
All he wants to do is squeeze the life from the loud mouth but police HQ isn’t the right place so he pushes past the cop and calls out to Buster his new K9 dog.
Buster is good but he isn’t in the same league as Monty but Clyde knows that the dog is still capable of becoming a good K9 unit dog .
While Clyde is at work a resurrection of sorts is happening in the basement of his house.
A misshapen form has taken its first breath of a new beginning.
If you look closely you might just recognize the shape as an olivetti typewriter.
The machine is bent and twisted out of shape but it is still a very dangerous beast.
Trooper Ybanez arrives home from work exhausted and after a quick meal and shower he goes to bed for the night.
kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk
Clyde’s ears prick up at the sound of pure evil.
He sits up in bed willing the sound to go away but it doesn’t.
kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk
How is it possible for that typewriter to still exist?
The murderous olivetti was blown apart by a firing squad then smelted down and turned into a steel can.
Maybe it is just a nightmare and he will wake up and all will be well in his world.
But Clyde knows that he is wide awake and that he has a huge problem on his hands.
He puts on his slippers and ventures down stairs to his basement where the sound is emanating from.
As soon as he turns on the light Clyde knows that he is in the middle of a real life nightmare.
Because sitting on his workbench is the olivetti looking a bit rough around the edges.
Even though the machine is twisted and dented the typewriter is mad and slightly demented.
Kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk
Clyde’s heart is beating double time in his chest as he watches the keys tapping madly.
But with no ink ribbons intact no words appear.
Then a diabolical thought enters the troopers mind’Maybe i can use this killer typewriter to my own advantage’
‘Why should i kill Godley and Creme when i have a manic machine at my disposal?’
The olivetti is still chatting away as Clyde creeps away’Don’t worry Mr Olivetti i shall return with brand new ink ribbons and you can help me deal with a little problem’
Once upstairs Clyde goes online and goggles olivetti ink ribbons and after a quick search he purchases a set of ribbons for $29.95 plus tax.
And two days later a parcel is delivered to his door.
The olivetti has killed and eaten four people plus his precious Monty so he is very wary as he descends the basement stairs’Her you go Mr Olivetti i have brought you new ink ribbons so now we can have a proper conversation’
Clyde ties the ribbons onto the end of a long fishing rod and very carefully lowers the ribbons of death into the mouth of the olivetti.
kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk
‘Hello Trooper Ybanez ,so we meet again’
‘Let me begin by saying how sorry i am about the death of your dog but he was delicious’
Do you have anymore tasty treats for me?’
Clyde blood begins to boil as the reads the words but he swallows his rage and talks directly to the crazy machine’Yes i do happen to have two more treats for you i just have to find them and bring them to you undetected’
With that Clyde storms away leaving the typewriter frustrated and hungry as hell.
Three days later Clyde enters his basement empty handed and in a filthy mood because Godley and Creme are away working on a case.
While he was at work the typewriter has been busy and Clyde picks up a sheet of paper that the mangled machine had spat out onto the floor
Clyde picks up the page and hurries back upstairs”I am glad that i managed to find you Trooper Ybanez because i think that we could become the ultimate deadly duo,the new Bonnie and Clyde if you will’
‘I know that you harbor a deep hatred toward two of your colleagues at work Detectives Kevin Godley and Lou Creme’
‘After i help you eliminate your enemies we will travel the country from coast to coast killing anyone who gets in our path’
Clyde reads the letter over and over throughout the night and comes to a decision.
He has no intention of joining the olivetti on a killing spree so once the two Detectives are taken care of he will dispose of the typewriter and return to a normal life if that is possible.
He opens the basement door and calls down’You have a deal Mr Olivetti ,first we kill Godley and Creme and then i will join you on a road trip that will tear this country a new one’
Down on the workbench the olivetti rubs its brand new ink ribbons in glee.
It can almost taste the blood of its next meal and at midnight the typewriter shuts down for the night safe in the knowledge that tomorrow promises to be a very good day indeed.
Upstairs Clyde has tossed and turned all night and at 5am he stubles out of bed weary and wired.
As he eats his breakfast his mind is doing cartwheels as he struggles to figure out how he and the olivetti can kill the Detectives without raising any suspicions.
Then suddenly the answer pops into his head.
If Mohammad can’t go to the mountain than take the mountain to Mohammad.
He enters the basement silently and as the typewriter snoozes he picks it up and carries it out to his car and straps it into the back seat.
He drives away in a daze until he reaches his destination a seedy motel on the edge of town.
After placing the salivating machine on the coffee table he phones the Springwood police department’My name is Carlos and i have information regarding the murders that happened up at Victor Bradstreet’s cabin’
‘I will only talk with Detective’s Godley and Creme and tell them to come alone or i will leave’
‘Room 6 Desert Sands Motel now’
After haging up Trooper Ybanez addresses the typewriter’Okay Mr Olivetti your next meal is on its way ,please eat at your leisure and clean up after yourself’
Leaving the door unlocked Clyde walks out to the car park to wait for the two victims to arrive.
Monty will be avenged.
Ten minutes later a squad car squeals to a stop outside room 6 and the occupants race inside without knocking.
A apprehensive Trooper Ybanez waits for half an hour before he to enters room 6.
The walls are spotted with droplets of blood but the ink ribbons are busy soaking up every last drop and five minutes later no trace of the Detectives remain.
On the coffee table the Typewriter burps in satisfaction and the meal has done its job because now the machine looks all ship shape and brand new.
Clyde is tempted to leave the murderous machine behind and go home but he doesn’t want put any innocent people in danger plus his fingerprints are all over the machine.
So he picks it up and drives home unseen.
On returning to his residence Clyde carries the olivetti downstairs and throws it into a dark corner of the basement.’I leave you now Mr Olivetti ,this basement is now your tomb so may you rot and rust for eternity you good for nothing chunk of metal’
kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk
The olivetti is furious as it pounds away at the keys but with no paper in the mechanism all it is doing is talking to itself so the irate machine shuts up to live and fight another day.
The disappearance of Godley and Creme hits the headlines nationwide and the FBI is brought to help with the investigation.
Trooper Ybanez is at home surviving on whisky and cigarettes half expecting the feds to break down the front door or the carnivorous typewriter to creep upstaies and strangle him in his sleep.
This goes on for three weeks until Clyde can’t take it anymore.
If he is to keep his sanity the olivetti will have to go away and this time for good.
Before opening the basement door Clyde takes a deep breathe sincerely hoping that the evil fucker is dead.
And as he descends the stairs it looks like his prayer has been answered because the typewriter looks deceased covered in rust and cobwebs.
Clyde quickly wraps the olivetti in three layers of duct tape to ensure that the deadly ribbons of blood cant escape.
Once again he carries the machine out to his car and drives for 15 miles until he reaches an isolated campground that he used to visit with his parents when he was a kid.
The one thing that Clyde hated about the place was sitting on the seat of the stinking deep drop shitter.
He had nightmares about falling 100 feet and landing on a steaming pile of prehistoric crap.
As Clyde nears his objective he has failed to notice that the layers of duct tape are beginning to fray and tear at the edges.
He pulls into the empty car park of the campground and retrieves the bundle from the back seat.
The stench from the shitter hits him like a ton of bricks but Clyde pushes on and a few minutes later he arrives at the temple of poo.
Opening the door he lifts the typewriter above his head and throws it down into the stinking effluent.
Satisfied that the machine is deep in the muck he turns away to begin the next chapter of his life when he hears a muffled
kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk
‘OH SHIT’ he screams and desperately tries to run but the ribbons of blood wrap themselves around his throat and Clyde is pulled towards the temple opening and silently he vanishes into the brown.
Will Clyde survive his ordeal or will he succumb to the fecal stream.
To find out come back and read the next installment and bring lots of toilet paper.