Tag Archives: revenge

She Dug Me Up

20 Saturday Jun 2020

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My name was Norman Babbage and i am currently residing four foot beneath the surface in my own backyard.

Th worms have been very busy today, I sense and feel them as they squirm and wriggle between my ribs, turning my rotting flesh into nutrient rich compost.

I have been down here in the dank damp earth for two weeks now ever since my wife Maureen split my head open with a hammer while i slept.

After committing the dastardly deed the murderous bitch wrapped me in the bed sheet, dragged me down the stairs and out into the backyard where under the cover of darkness she rolled me into a hole that i had dug a few weeks prior.

My killer told me that she was planning on buying a few magnolia trees to screen our house from the neighbors and silly me believed her.

Maureen and i had been married for only five years and in that time her love for me descended into a cesspool of hate.

We met at a local bowling alley where we got to talking and i soon forgot all about the game, it was love at first sight.

Maureen was big even back then and easily out weighed me by thirty pounds or more, she had long blonde hair and a pleasant smile.

Before i knew it we had convened to a motel room where we made love until the sun come up.

As the two of us drank our coffee the next morning Maureen called me ‘Stormin’ Norman’ and said i fucked like a love struck teenager.

Than she grabbed my hand in a vise like grip and uttered the words ‘You are mine now Norman, you can never leave me’

I should have walked out there and then but i didn’t think she was serious but she was, deadly serious.

Maureen was 23 years old and i had just turned 25.

Six months later we were married and moved into a house at 343 Hillside Drive Glendale California.

The first year of our union was fairly smooth sailing but i had noticed that Maureen was very clingy and would hardly let me out of the house unless i needed to use the bathroom or when i went to work at the post office.

When my shift was over Maureen would be waiting outside in her old Corolla and soon i began to feel like a prisoner in my own home.

If i said that i was thinking of going for a few beers with my work mates Maureen would tag along and make the situation very uncomfortable and soon my friends stopped asking me to go with them.

I grew increasingly anxious and that is when i first thought about leaving my wife and getting my life back.

Maureen must have sensed my unease because one night a week or so later i was in the bathroom shaving before i went to work when she sidled up behind me and at first i thought she was after some loving but i was sorely mistaken.

‘Don’t even think about leaving me Norman because if you do i will hunt you down and drag you home’

‘Have a good hard look in the mirror Norman, go on you ugly little excuse for a man, remember Norman you are mine and the only way you will leave me is in a pine box’

I look in the mirror and i don’t like what i see, Maureen is right i am a geeky looking man your typical nerd plus i am also a coward so i don’t say a word as i change into my work uniform and silently get in her car and she drives me to the post office. ‘See you after work Norman, remember i will be waiting’

For almost another two years i put up with her mental and physical abuse but my frustration was about to boil over , i couldn’t deal with her shit or stay silent any longer so the bitch came home from grocery shopping i was going to confront her and demand a divorce.

Maureen arrived home in a foul mood as usual ‘Norman can you get your finger out of your ass and give me a hand around here, i am tired of being your slave’

I now realize that i should have moved out while she was gone but i needed to confront her face to face ‘Maureen i am leaving today and i won’t be back,you have made my life a misery and i can’t take it anymore’

‘Sure thing Norman pack your bags and get the fuck out of here’

That wasn’t the reaction i was expecting but i quickly threw a few things into suitcase and headed towards the door when Maureen called from the kitchen ‘I can drive you to the bus station if you like but i forgot where i put the car keys’

I look at the hall table where she usually leaves her keys but they aren’t there maybe she left them on the coffee table.?

As i turn to have a look WHACK WHACK WHACK I didn’t feel any pain as the rolling pin cracked open my skull and i believe that i was dead before i hit the floor.

Nor did have any comprehension as my body was dragged out into the backyard and deposited into the hole that i had dug for Maureens Magnolia tree’s.

The Magnolia’s were delivered yesterday waiting to be planted into the ground and now that my body would provide them with essential nutrients i am sure Maureen will fill in the hole and i will disappear forever.

When i was covered by dirt and the moonlight was blotted out for the final time i didn’t bat an eyelid or shed a single tear.

For all intents and purposes i am dead.

The worms are having a fine old time feasting on my decaying flesh and every now and then i would get a drenching when Maureen watered the magnolia’s to make sure the tree established and my memory would stay buried for eternity.

But all of my wives efforts would soon come back and bite her on her huge oversized ass.

As i lay in the dank damp ground the roots of the magnolia weaved between my bones supporting me like an old friend.

For Maureen the situation will soon become very grave, very grave indeed.

Maureen Babbage is sitting out on the back porch enjoying a cup of coffee and a cigarette.

It has been a week since she buried her husband and she knows that sooner or later someone will come looking for him.

Yesterday she rang his boss at the post office and told that Norman had run off to New York with a girlfriend so don’t expect him back anytime soon.

Plus hopefully it will be a while before the cops come snooping around because Maureen has plans to move down to Mexico and start a new life.

Stubbing out her cigarette she wanders into the yard to do a spot of gardening’

The magnolia trees are settling in nicely and hopefully the roots are digging deep helping the worms to dispose of Normans carcass.

Grabbing the hose she gives the trees another good soaking ‘Sorry Norman but if anyone was to end our it would be me and not a spineless piece of shit like you’

‘Now be a good boy and give the bugs a good feed so my magnolia’s can grow big and strong, something that you never were and never will be.’

Four feet below the deceased Norman Babbage soaks up the water that flows past his half devoured tongue.

As the precious liquid permeates into his system his ears listens to the stinging words coming down from above.

Norman chews on a root and digests the protein with gusto because he knows that even though he is still dead one day that bitch will walking and breathing will be brought to justice.

A few days later Maureen is beginning to show some signs of stress.

The Magnolia trees are starting to look unhealthy particularly the one she planted above Norman’s corpse.

Surely Norman’s rotting flesh and the copious amounts of water it has received the trees should be thriving so why are they dropping leaves.?

As she smokes another cigarette Maureen sneaks glances out to her magnolia’s like a mother wolf eyeing her prey.

She knows that somehow her dead husband is responsible for her misery.

Even in death the asshole continues to curse her life ‘Why can’t the bastard just up and die already?’

Night after night Maureen goes out to the porch and every night her paranoia cloaks her in a thick black cloud.

The coffee has been replaced by a bottle of gin the customary cigarette glows like a firefly as she draws in the soothing smoke.

As she swallows a mouthful of gin she picks up a krispy kreme donut and the ever expanding Maureen inhales the sugar in one breath.

Through bloodshot eyes she scans the backyard for any signs of activity but for now the coast is clear.

Another donut is about to be dispatched when the voice of her long dead mother enters her alcohol soaked sugar laden brain ‘Maureen you know that you should never have done what you did, but drinking gin and eating donuts wont undo the deed’

In defiance Maureen empties the bottle in one gulp ‘Fuck you mother and the horse you rode in on’

Remember Maureen that you have always been a big girl but now you are fat and if you continue in your ways, well i am afraid for you Maureen’.

Cut back on the alcohol and sugar and don’t let the darkness infest your brain and everything will be ok’

Goodnight sweetheart don’t let the bed bugs bite’

Maureen shudders as the old bitches voice fades away ‘Thanks for the advice Mom but why don’t you just fuck off and stop interfering’

When no reply is forthcoming Maureen opens another bottle of gin and has a long swallow than she stumbles off to bed ‘It isn’t the bed bugs i am worried about mother it is what lays beneath the magnolia’

As the murderess sleeps she moans with a mixture of pain and pleasure but soon the noise transcends into a snore that causes all of the dogs in the neighborhood to scurry away and hide.

Out in the backyard the leaves from the magnolia trees continue to drop and beneath the surface the roots have evolved , now instead of soaking up the water and nutrients and feeding the tree they now direct all the life giving goodness into the blood and bones of the slain human.

Soon the decaying flesh will renew and his tormented mind will mend and seek vengeance.

The following days continue to be a bane of misery for Maureen.

She now enjoys a liquid breakfast lunch and dinner and the donuts and cigarettes are constant companions by her side.

Deep down she knows that Norman is still to blame for all the wrongness in her life, so tomorrow she will go and buy herself a spade ‘OK motherfucker so you want to play? Now it is my turn’

Next morning Norman is enjoying a bit of peace and quiet relaxing as his body continues to heal when he feels a disturbance in the soil.

A glint of metal catches a dead fish eye and a smile of sorts forms on his face ‘Good god the stupid bitch is digging me up to make sure i am still down here’

When the sun hits his body Norman he doesn’t react ( because he is still technically dead) ‘Jesus Maureen you have really let yourself go, now go away and eat another donut but leave some room in that ample stomach because soon i will be force feeding you a shit load of trouble’

Maureen looks down at her still dead husband and a smile cracks her face as she refills the hole ‘How could i have been so stupid to believe that Norman had somehow come back to life and was responsible for my misery’

Satisfied that her husband is down in the hole where he belongs Maureen heads inside for a well earned drink.

The fog thickens outside the Babbage household, winter is almost here but Maureen is sleeping nice and cozy in her bed.

She doesn’t feel the cold snap approaching or see the magnolia roots creeping around the backyard whilst they wait for their master to give the order to strike.

As she dreams evil thoughts Maureen is oblivious that her life is about to turn into a living hell.

When dawn arrives the birds are chirping feverishly as the eat all the fruits and berries they can manage before they fly south for the winter.

As they fly from tree to tree the birds give the magnolia trees a wide berth because they know that death is lurking below.

Maureen wakes to the sound of the birds eating a little too loud for her liking ‘Shut the fuck up you feathered assholes can’t a person get any sleep around here?’

Knowing that she wont get back to sleep Maureen sticks a foot out from beneath the blankets and once satisfied that it isn’t too cold she climbs out and waddles towards the bathroom.

Out beneath the magnolia Norman is waving his arms around conducting the roots into a well orchestrated frenzy.

He knows that despite his recent rejuvenation his time is limited because once the ground the ground freezes the magnolia will become dormant and he will die again.

Now Maureen has to join him in his grave before it is too late so he plucks one thick root with a bony finger and the root slides up the stairs seeking its victim like a mamba stalking its prey.

Maureen rubs the sleep from her eyes as she on the toilet doing her business.

Then she lets out a strangled scream as a magnolia root appears beneath the bathroom door ‘What in the fuck?’ Maureen whispers as she tries to push herself away from the intruder but there is nowhere to go.

Maureen nervously tinkles every last drop of urine from her body as she stares at the crack beneath the door and for a minute it looks like the root has gone and Maureen prays to the heavens vowing never to drink another drop of gin ever again.

She stands to adjust her clothing when the root one inch round shoots through the narrow opening and wraps itself around her left ankle in a death grip and pulls her off her feet.

There is no way the Maureen is going to fit but the root really couldn’t give a shit and it yanks with all its might and both of Maureens legs snap with a wicked snap that sends all of the birds outside to wing and they take off towards Mexico at break neck speed.

Th bathroom door splinters and Maureen explodes out into her bedroom where she desperately tries to grab something to stop herself being dragged to her doom but the root is having none of that and pulls her across the carpet like a dog pulling a sled up in Alaska.

Maureen becomes aware that her sweat pants and undergarments are wrapped around her knees ‘Please at least let me pull up my pants so if i am to die at least i can leave this world with some dignity’

From out in the garden there comes a muffled reply ‘You haven’t got a dignified bone in your body Maureen, all you have ever done is look out for yourself and treat other people like shit’

‘And if there is a God Maureen you will never get to meet him because you are going to hell where you will burn for eternity’

Maureen sobs in terror at the sound of her dead husbands voice but even with two broken legs and a tree root wrapped an ankle her meanness surfaces ‘Well if it isn’t stormin’ Norman back from the grave, see you soon and when i get my hands on you i will kill you again motherfucker’

The root tightens its grip and Maureen gets the message and clamps her mouth shut for the first time in her life.

But it doesn’t last for long because when she starts to descend the stairs in screams in pain and total terror.

BIONK BIONK BIONK

The back of Maureen’s head strikes the first three steps and she bites her tongue and blood clouds her vision, only twenty two steps to go.

BIONK BIONK BIONK

Upon reaching the bottom step the voice from beyond decides that this is the perfect time for another chat ‘Sorry about that Maureen that last step was a doozy’

‘Soon we will be together once again but i am sorry to tell you that it will be a brief reunion.

Maureen’s tongue is bloody and swollen but she still manages ‘FOOK YOU NORMAN’

As she is dragged past the vegetable that Norman planted a couple of years ago Maureen grimaces in pain but remembers that the pumpkin’s were plentiful and made excellent soup plus the tomatoes were plump and tasty.

She offers no resistance as she is pulled along the well manicured lawn.

Her fingers and thumbs leave ten shallow furrows in the grass that would be ideal to plant cucumber and maybe some radish and chives.

Maureen sigh’s in frustration ‘If only i was a better person then Norman would still be alive and i wouldn’t be in this this predicament’

In his crypt beneath the magnolia Norman gets little comfort from his wives torment as the root delivers her faster then the post office ever could.

He sits at the entrance propped up by a tangle of roots, his decaying body now resembles a bloated spider waiting to devour its next meal.

Hello Maureen sorry to drag you away from your beauty sleep bur it wasn’t working anyway’

‘Come join me, I promise to make to quick and painless;

Maureen doesn’t argue or complain as her husbands bony hand grips her wrist and guides her over the threshold.

The couples flesh and memories seep down into the earth where they blend together in a mixture of oil of water, damned to rest together in turmoil.

THE END.

‘Ribbons of Blood (4) Dented and Demented’

08 Saturday Jun 2019

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This story began about a year ago when the acclaimed novelist Victor Bradstreet suffering from a severe case of writers block retreated to his cabin in rural Virginia in an attempt to clear his mind.

Close to his destination Victor stopped at a general store to stock up with the essentials.

While walking the aisles he spotted an old olivetti typewriter sitting on a clearance table and on a whim he purchased the machine.

A decision that Victor would soon regret.

As he slept on the first night at the cabin the olivetti came to life and typed a novel that would go on to become a bestseller.

In return the typewriter demanded a taste of Victors blood and on refusa the murderous machine strangled Victor with its ink ribbons and ate the evidence.

Victors publisher Penelope Clutterbuck after hearing about Victors demise drove up to the cabin where she was also dispatched by the olivetti and devoured.

A local detective Lucas Peterson was sent to the scene to investigate but he along with Victors daughter Abigail were both also killed by the typewriter leaving not a trace behind.

Detectives Godley and Creme rushed to the cabin when their colleague failed to report in and after searching the cabin found it empty so they summoned a K9 unit.

Trooper Clyde Ybanez and his trusty German shepherd Monty arrive and the dogs nose picks up the scent of the missing policeman

Monty bounds straight inside to the kitchen where the olivetti sits looking all sweet and innocent.

Godley and Creme tease Trooper Ybanez ‘Well Clyde your stupid mutt has sniffed out a typewriter you must be proud of yourself?’

But the tune soon changes when the when the olivetti who cant resist the tang of fresh meat attacks Monty with its ribbons of blood and eats the canine there and then.

A SWAT team storms the cabin and restrain the blood thirsty machine with chains to the kitchen table and transport the murderer to a maximum security prison in Langley.

After a few days held in isolation the olivetti sweet talks a prison guard into its cell with the promise of good conversation and a cigarette.

But the demon machine reneges on the promise and eats the guard to ease its hunger pains.

The prison is thrown into lock down and the warden orders that a firing squad be assembled and at 6 am the following morning the olivetti is bind folded and blown to smithereens.

To make sure that the typewriter never gets the chance to kill again the metal shards are collected taken to a nearby steelworks where the shrapnel is thrown into a furnace and melted down into steel batons.

A few weeks later a steel Campbells soup can falls from a shelf in Denver Colorado and a small piece of steel breaks away and is blown towards Springwood Virginia.

PART FOUR

Trooper Clyde Ybanez is at his house training his new K9 unit newbie a six month old Beagle named Buster who after only two weeks training is showing a lot of potential.

Clyde is still grieving the lose of his beloved German shepherd Monty who was devoured by a hungry olivetti.

Ybanez will never forget the day when he lost his loyal companion and most of all he is still pissed off over being ridiculed by the two cruel Detectives Godley and Creme.

Later that day Clyde visits his local bar in Springwood Virginia where he drowns his sorrow and pain with shots of Tequila and his mood turns sour when Godley and Creme enter and take a seat.

Ybanez knows that if he is spotted the asshole Detectives will make a scene so his downs his drink and disappears into the night.

As the trooper makes his way home 2000 miles away the small piece of steel that detached from the soup can in Colorado luckily gets stuck in the tread of a passing trucks rear tyre.

The driver of the semi has just delivered a load of vegetables and is now heading home to his home near Springwood.

All over the mid west thousands of tiny pieces of steel travel the highways and byways on a pilgrimage to Virginia.

Some of the shards are blown toward their objective by unseasonal winds while other bibs and bobs of steel hitch hike or travel by any available means until all 2309 pieces of steel reach Virginia and gather together in the basement of 25 Lowry Lane Springwood the very address of Trooper Ybanez.

Inside Clyde is sitting in the dark nursing a large whisky sour still steaming over his treatment at the hands of Godley and Creme.

The alcohol enters his bloodstream like a thunderbolt destroying any semblance of peace that remains in his body.

All Clyde needs is revenge against his tormentors all he has to do is come up with a foolproof plan.

After polishing off the bottle of liquid fire Clyde goes to bed with the dark thought embedded deep in his brain.

When his head hits his pillow a sinister smile lights up his face.

He will torture and maim Godley and Creme until they beg for mercy and once he is satisfied he will blow the two fuckers away on a bullet train to hell.

As Trooper Ybanez sleeps the 2309 slithers of steel begin to meld and intertwine in a macabre dance of metal as the tiny fragments become one.

Clyde wakes with a mouth as dry as the Sahara and a pounding headache.

After a quick visit to the bathroom he swallows a few aspirin and a cup of coffee he begins to feel a lot better.

But that soon changes when he arrives at work and runs into Creme in the change room of police headquarters ‘Well well well if it isn’t the master dog trainer himself’

‘How is your new dog coming along?

‘I hope he is better than your last mutt who couldn’t find a turd in a asshole’

Ybanez can feel his blood boiling as he listens to the Detectives words.

All he wants to do is squeeze the life from the loud mouth but police HQ isn’t the right place so he pushes past the cop and calls out to Buster his new K9 dog.

Buster is good but he isn’t in the same league as Monty but Clyde knows that the dog is still capable of becoming a good K9 unit dog .

While Clyde is at work a resurrection of sorts is happening in the basement of his house.

A misshapen form has taken its first breath of a new beginning.

If you look closely you might just recognize the shape as an olivetti typewriter.

The machine is bent and twisted out of shape but it is still a very dangerous beast.

Trooper Ybanez arrives home from work exhausted and after a quick meal and shower he goes to bed for the night.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

Clyde’s ears prick up at the sound of pure evil.

He sits up in bed willing the sound to go away but it doesn’t.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

How is it possible for that typewriter to still exist?

The murderous olivetti was blown apart by a firing squad then smelted down and turned into a steel can.

Maybe it is just a nightmare and he will wake up and all will be well in his world.

But Clyde knows that he is wide awake and that he has a huge problem on his hands.

He puts on his slippers and ventures down stairs to his basement where the sound is emanating from.

As soon as he turns on the light Clyde knows that he is in the middle of a real life nightmare.

Because sitting on his workbench is the olivetti looking a bit rough around the edges.

Even though the machine is twisted and dented the typewriter is mad and slightly demented.

Kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

Clyde’s heart is beating double time in his chest as he watches the keys tapping madly.

But with no ink ribbons intact no words appear.

Then a diabolical thought enters the troopers mind’Maybe i can use this killer typewriter to my own advantage’

‘Why should i kill Godley and Creme when i have a manic machine at my disposal?’

The olivetti is still chatting away as Clyde creeps away’Don’t worry Mr Olivetti i shall return with brand new ink ribbons and you can help me deal with a little problem’

Once upstairs Clyde goes online and goggles olivetti ink ribbons and after a quick search he purchases a set of ribbons for $29.95 plus tax.

And two days later a parcel is delivered to his door.

The olivetti has killed and eaten four people plus his precious Monty so he is very wary as he descends the basement stairs’Her you go Mr Olivetti i have brought you new ink ribbons so now we can have a proper conversation’

Clyde ties the ribbons onto the end of a long fishing rod and very carefully lowers the ribbons of death into the mouth of the olivetti.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

‘Hello Trooper Ybanez ,so we meet again’

‘Let me begin by saying how sorry i am about the death of your dog but he was delicious’

Do you have anymore tasty treats for me?’

Clyde blood begins to boil as the reads the words but he swallows his rage and talks directly to the crazy machine’Yes i do happen to have two more treats for you i just have to find them and bring them to you undetected’

With that Clyde storms away leaving the typewriter frustrated and hungry as hell.

Three days later Clyde enters his basement empty handed and in a filthy mood because Godley and Creme are away working on a case.

While he was at work the typewriter has been busy and Clyde picks up a sheet of paper that the mangled machine had spat out onto the floor

Clyde picks up the page and hurries back upstairs”I am glad that i managed to find you Trooper Ybanez because i think that we could become the ultimate deadly duo,the new Bonnie and Clyde if you will’

‘I know that you harbor a deep hatred toward two of your colleagues at work Detectives Kevin Godley and Lou Creme’

‘After i help you eliminate your enemies we will travel the country from coast to coast killing anyone who gets in our path’

Clyde reads the letter over and over throughout the night and comes to a decision.

He has no intention of joining the olivetti on a killing spree so once the two Detectives are taken care of he will dispose of the typewriter and return to a normal life if that is possible.

He opens the basement door and calls down’You have a deal Mr Olivetti ,first we kill Godley and Creme and then i will join you on a road trip that will tear this country a new one’

Down on the workbench the olivetti rubs its brand new ink ribbons in glee.

It can almost taste the blood of its next meal and at midnight the typewriter shuts down for the night safe in the knowledge that tomorrow promises to be a very good day indeed.

Upstairs Clyde has tossed and turned all night and at 5am he stubles out of bed weary and wired.

As he eats his breakfast his mind is doing cartwheels as he struggles to figure out how he and the olivetti can kill the Detectives without raising any suspicions.

Then suddenly the answer pops into his head.

If Mohammad can’t go to the mountain than take the mountain to Mohammad.

He enters the basement silently and as the typewriter snoozes he picks it up and carries it out to his car and straps it into the back seat.

He drives away in a daze until he reaches his destination a seedy motel on the edge of town.

After placing the salivating machine on the coffee table he phones the Springwood police department’My name is Carlos and i have information regarding the murders that happened up at Victor Bradstreet’s cabin’

‘I will only talk with Detective’s Godley and Creme and tell them to come alone or i will leave’

‘Room 6 Desert Sands Motel now’

After haging up Trooper Ybanez addresses the typewriter’Okay Mr Olivetti your next meal is on its way ,please eat at your leisure and clean up after yourself’

Leaving the door unlocked Clyde walks out to the car park to wait for the two victims to arrive.

Monty will be avenged.

Ten minutes later a squad car squeals to a stop outside room 6 and the occupants race inside without knocking.

A apprehensive Trooper Ybanez waits for half an hour before he to enters room 6.

The walls are spotted with droplets of blood but the ink ribbons are busy soaking up every last drop and five minutes later no trace of the Detectives remain.

On the coffee table the Typewriter burps in satisfaction and the meal has done its job because now the machine looks all ship shape and brand new.

Clyde is tempted to leave the murderous machine behind and go home but he doesn’t want put any innocent people in danger plus his fingerprints are all over the machine.

So he picks it up and drives home unseen.

On returning to his residence Clyde carries the olivetti downstairs and throws it into a dark corner of the basement.’I leave you now Mr Olivetti ,this basement is now your tomb so may you rot and rust for eternity you good for nothing chunk of metal’

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

The olivetti is furious as it pounds away at the keys but with no paper in the mechanism all it is doing is talking to itself so the irate machine shuts up to live and fight another day.

The disappearance of Godley and Creme hits the headlines nationwide and the FBI is brought to help with the investigation.

Trooper Ybanez is at home surviving on whisky and cigarettes half expecting the feds to break down the front door or the carnivorous typewriter to creep upstaies and strangle him in his sleep.

This goes on for three weeks until Clyde can’t take it anymore.

If he is to keep his sanity the olivetti will have to go away and this time for good.

Before opening the basement door Clyde takes a deep breathe sincerely hoping that the evil fucker is dead.

And as he descends the stairs it looks like his prayer has been answered because the typewriter looks deceased covered in rust and cobwebs.

Clyde quickly wraps the olivetti in three layers of duct tape to ensure that the deadly ribbons of blood cant escape.

Once again he carries the machine out to his car and drives for 15 miles until he reaches an isolated campground that he used to visit with his parents when he was a kid.

The one thing that Clyde hated about the place was sitting on the seat of the stinking deep drop shitter.

He had nightmares about falling 100 feet and landing on a steaming pile of prehistoric crap.

As Clyde nears his objective he has failed to notice that the layers of duct tape are beginning to fray and tear at the edges.

He pulls into the empty car park of the campground and retrieves the bundle from the back seat.

The stench from the shitter hits him like a ton of bricks but Clyde pushes on and a few minutes later he arrives at the temple of poo.

Opening the door he lifts the typewriter above his head and throws it down into the stinking effluent.

Satisfied that the machine is deep in the muck he turns away to begin the next chapter of his life when he hears a muffled

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

‘OH SHIT’ he screams and desperately tries to run but the ribbons of blood wrap themselves around his throat and Clyde is pulled towards the temple opening and silently he vanishes into the brown.

Will Clyde survive his ordeal or will he succumb to the fecal stream.

To find out come back and read the next installment and bring lots of toilet paper.

THE END

A Tree And Me

03 Saturday Mar 2018

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The following is a story about a tree that has a lot more bite than bark.

 

I have just turned ten years of age and my life is about to change forever.

My parents have sold the our house in Glendale Los Angeles because we are all the way over to the west coast.

To a place called Providence Rhode Island.

I don’t like the idea of leaving all of my friends behind but what can i do? I am just a kid

 

A month later after a very long boring flight to the other side of the country we finally arrive at the airport.

Than a cab takes us to our new home in Providence

And as my father pays the cab fare i get my first look at my new house

It is a big two storey brick place with a good sized front yard

As i check out the house my eyes are drawn to a huge tree near the front porch

 

‘Nathaniel don’t just stand there gawking help your father with the bags’ That was my mom,Jean,and yes my name is Nathaniel and no you may not call me Nate’

I watch the taxi as it drives away and a part of me wants to chase it and go back to California but my mom grabs my hand and we walk towards the front door to start our new life.

But before we walk over the threshold my eyes once more look over to that big old tree.

There is something about that tree that i can’t put my finger on,it is just a tree but it makes me afraid very afraid.

 

But any thoughts about a creepy tree leave my mind when i walk inside my new house.

I run from from room to room like an excited puppy

Until dad tells me to go outside and wait for the removers to arrive.

 

Oh yeah,my dad’s name is Ben Seagar and he is the reason why we had to move east.

He taught english at a college back home but apparently he got an offer too good to refuse

So here we are in Providence Rhode Island.

 

As i sit on the front porch i get a feeling that i am being watched.

I take a quick look over my shoulder but there is nothing there but a branch from that tree.

I have another look and the branch is no longer there.

God my imagination is really going crazy and i tell myself to settle down and stop being stupid.

But than again that tree is over thirty metres from the house so how could a branch be so close to the house?

 

My mom calls out that it is time for lunch so i run back inside to grab a bite to eat

And just as we finish eating our ham and cheese sandwiches i hear the a truck driving up the driveway.

The removalist’s are here.

So we go inside and help the driver unload the truck but all i manage to do is to get in the way.

So once again i am banished to the front porch.

 

But i soon cheer up when i see my bed getting carried upstairs to my room at least i will be nice and comfortable tonight.

My happiness doesn’t last long because that branch begins to tap on the side of the porch.

I look at that creepy tree and the ends of the branch look a lot like human fingers.

‘Mom that tree is starting to gross me out i think it wants to eat me’

Don’t be silly Nathaniel it is just an old oak tree that was probably planted by the settlers two hundred years ago’

 

The following weeks fly by as i settle into my new school and i have made a few friends.

Life is good in Providence Rhode Island.

And that creepy old oak tree is almost forgotten.

 

Soon it is almost July when i will celebrate my 11 th birthday.

My parents tell me that they will be holding a party to mark the occasion and i can invite all my friends from school and dad will ask all our neighbours to come.

I said half jokingly’I don’t care who comes as long as they bring lots and lots of presents’

 

The big day arrives and mom is in the kitchen while dad is outside cleaning up the yard and he asks me to help him carry a table and some chairs under that old oak tree.

And for the first time in weeks i look at that old tree and my bone marrow freezes and my heart feels like it is going to explode ‘Dad i don’t feel so good,maybe we should cancel the party’

Dad laughs and ruffles my ruffles my hair’Don’t worry you are just nervous and as soon as your friends get here you will be as right as rain’

 

As usual dad is right because as soon as my friends Simon Brendan and Adam arrive we started to play and have a good time and soon all of my worries vanished  from my mind.

 

When it is time to eat everyone takes a seat and we all enjoy burgers and hotdogs that dd made on the BBQ.

My friends and i are wearing party hats and smiles ten miles wide and talking about baseball and all the pretty girls at school.

But i am also thinking about opening my presents and mom’s famous chocolate cake.

 

And sure enough the screen door slams open and mom is walking toward me carrying a huge birthday cake.

She puts it on the table lights 11 candles and tells me to make a wish.

So i close my eyes and silently wish for mom and dad to live forever and for peace on earth.

I know i should have stopped there but i have a few more wishes so i wish for lots and lots of money and good health.

But the one thing i wish the most is for that creepy old oak tree to just go away.

 

I want to open my presents but mom shoo’s me away so that she can clean up.

So my friends and i run around and play for an hour until we are dying of thirst.

But all we really want is more cake.

 

So we get some drinks from the cooler and more cake and sit around the table laughing and swearing like sailors.

Simon gets up to grab another slice of cake when he trips on a root and falls hard’Why you shit eating piece of pond scum trip me will you’ Simon yells at the tree but he is trying not to laugh.

We are also cracking up at Simon and his choice of language

 

Simon goes to give that tree a kick when his foot is grabbed by the root and held tight.

‘What the fuck’ Simon says as he struggles to free himself.I tell Brendan and Adam to go and get some help while i try to release Simon from the roots hold.

But as soon as i get close a root closes around my throat and starts to squeeze

Holy shit,i soon realise that i am in a lot of trouble and soon sink to my knees but then i remember the pocket knife in my jacket.

I pull it out and start to cut and hack at the root and just when i think that i am a gonna i somehow break free.

Simon is hysterical and screaming for help but than i hear a crack and look up to see a huge branch crashing down

I jump out of the way just in time but Simon isn’t so lucky and is crushed.

 

The adults come running outside but there is nothing that they can do.

911 is called and soon there are cops and paramedics everywhere

Mom guides me inside away from the grisly scene.

I am incoherent and can barely function.

A doctor examines me and soon i am given a sedative and drift away to sleep

 

When i wake mom tells me that the police are here and wants me to answer some questions about the accident.

I want to tell them that it wasn’t an accident and that my friend was murdered by the creepy tree.

But they would think that i was crazy and cart me away to the loony bin.

So i tell them that we were just playing when the branch came down and soon the police leave me alone with my feelings.

 

Mom soon comes to see if i am alright.

And i tell her that i am feeling better but that i have something very important to tell her.

So she sits on the edge of my bed and i start to talk’Mom it wasn’t an accident i saw the tree root reach out and grab Simon so he couldn’t get away’

The root also tried to kill me mom i am telling you it was murder’

 

I point out of my bedroom window where that old tree is looking all sweet and innocent’Please mom can we go back home to California?’

Mom gives me a kiss and wipes away my tears ‘Oh Nathaniel you are just distressed by your friend getting killed’

‘But i tell you what i will talk to your father about getting that tree cut down’

 

A few days later a truck pulls in next to the house and four men jump out.

Dad goes outside to greet them while i stay in my room and watch.

The workers remove axes chainsaws and some rope from the back of the truck and prepare to chop the killer tree down.

 

But first they stand around smoking and drinking coffee talking about god knows what.

They watch them jabbering for about five minutes until i cant stand it no more

I scream out my window’Hey assholes stop jerking around and get to work’

I look that tree right in the eye’Cut that fucker down and do it now’

 

The workers look up at me in surprise and stop there talking and get to work.

The chainsaws roar into live and one of the workers starts to cut but the machine gives out a screech and dies a death.

Hey Randy this tree is one tough mother i think it is time for the ‘beast’

The guy named Randy emerges from the truck holding what must be the biggest chainsaw in all of Rhode Island.

It is almost as big as the workers

 

Randy hands over the ‘beast’ and soon the sound of five Harley Davidsons fill the air.

I cover my ears as the ‘beast’ goes to work.

 

But soon i hear a loud snap and through a shower of sparks i see that the chain has broken and over a hundred deadly links are flying towards the house.

‘NO’ I scream but i know that it is useless.

I turn away as i hear both of my parents being ripped to shreds.

 

I am currently a resident of an orphanage in upstate New York

It is called an orphanage but really it is a home for lost and broken souls

I am sedated most of the time so my mind cant go back to that horrible day when i lost my mom and dad.

But through the haze i still remember.

 

I was told by a kind nurse in one of my more lucid moments that my parents were buried together back home in California.

I am happy that they will be with each other for eternity.

Now that i am alone in the world with no one to love and no one to love me.

I come to a decision.

 

I ask the kind nurse if she could drive me to the house in Providence so i can get some closure.

But mainly i want to confront that tree.

 

As the nurse drives she tells me all about herself and how happy she is with her life.

I am happy for her but it is time for me to enter the next world.

When she drives up the driveway i am aware of the sense of danger in the air.

And there isn’t a sound even the birds and animals know to give this place a wide berth.

 

Than without a word i walk toward that creepy old oak tree.

The tree opens its branches and bends down to welcome me.

I take my final breath and walk to my death.

I am engulfed and gladly go to my demise.

Now i am where i want to be

Revenge will be mine.

 

 

 

THE END

 

 

 

 

Albuquerque Turkey

13 Saturday Jan 2018

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Over in Albuquerque new mexico there is tension in the air.

People walk the streets in trepidation because they sense that something is going down.

Nobody knows who how or why.

But there is one thing for certain feathers are about to fly.

 

If you travel south from Albuquerque the suburbs gradually give way to agriculture and you will arrive at a small town named los lunas.

The area is dotted with apple groves and peach orchards but los lunas is mainly known for its turkey farms and processing plants.

Where they process over 500,000 birds everyday.

But for the people in and around Albuquerque there will soon be hell to pay

 

gobble gobble gobble

 

In an isolated turkey farm a female bird is sitting near the perimeter fence crying and shaking in distress.

All of her friends have disappeared one by one and she hasn’t got a clue where they have gone or why they haven’t come back.

Then she hears a scratching sound from the woodland near a dusty trail.

She looks up as a male turkey steps into view and he is looking in her direction.

He wanders over for a gander and to see what all the crying is about.

The female is sitting all lonely weeping and sobbing in the dirt.

While the male walks a little closer and by the way his name is Bert.

 

gobble gobble gobble

 

The female who is named Hilda is shy at first but she soon opens up and tells the male turkey about her friends who have vanished.

She tells him how her friends were all loaded onto trucks and driven away to god knows where.

As the female turkey continues to talk( they tend to do this a lot) Bert gets a funny feeling beneath his skin.

And it isn’t from the stuffing or constant basting.

He needs to get to the bottom of this right now and time is wasting.

 

Bert knows that the trucks hold the answer to the vanishing turkeys.

Maybe the turkeys have just gone on a day trip or are visiting relatives in California?

But than again why don’t they ever come back?

He reaches out a wing towards the fence to pat Hilda goodbye when he blown back twenty foot.

He tumbles head over parsons nose and lands with a heavy thud.

Hilda calls out ‘Sorry I forgot to tell you that the fence is electrified.’ Bert cant answer because he has been roasted baked and totally fucking fried.

 

gobble gobble gobble

 

But Bert is made from giblets of steel so he just shakes his drumsticks and slowly gets to his feet.

His wattle and snood turn red in anger and defiance and smoke appears from beneath his tail feathers.

With a wave to Hilda he waddles off towards his home in Arizona and as he walks he keeps an eye out for a wily coyote.

When he gets home he will report back to his boss colonel guajolote.

 

Colonel guajolote is the biggest meanest turkey in the while mid west.

He stands four foot tall with a body scarred from many fights and battles.

The colonel also sports a patch over his left eye from sticking his nose in where it doesn’t belong.

At the moment he is annoyed after been awoken from his midday slumber but he listens intently as Bert his messenger tells him about the goings on over in Albuquerque.

His snood has turned deep purple and his wattle bobbles around performing a little war dance.

He silences Bert with a deadly stare as he gazes in the direction of new mexico.

His enemies will never forget the destruction that he is about to bring.

The fight hasn’t started yet but the bell is about to ring.

 

gobble gobble gobble

 

Early the next morning a band of wild turkeys march off in formation towards the battlefields over near Albuquerque.

They know that they are marching into battle but they are all seasoned veterans.

So the turkeys all moved forward with their chests puffed out and with feathers freshly preened.

The turkeys stick to the back roads and forest tracks as they head west.

These birds aren’t over stuffed or under baked they are the best of the best.

 

When they reach the farm two days later Bert warns colonel guajolote and the other turkeys about the electrified fence.

Their feathers stand on end as static fills the air and they stand at attention waiting for further orders.

Colonel guajolote realises that they can’t go through or under the fence so he will have to come up with a different plan of attack.

Because not only is the colonel big and mean and mighty unclean but he is also the most battle savvy bird in the flock.

To colonel guajolote there is no such thing as a roadblock.

 

gobble gobble gobble

 

The thirty odd turkeys hide in the underbrush as they watch the farm with binoculars.

Every now and then a truck will pull in and leave with a full load of healthy looking birds

Where do they go ?And why don’t they ever return?

Colonel guajolote shakes his head in frustration as he watches the truck drive away.

He is getting too old for this shit all he ever wanted was a loving wife and a field full of corn.

But here he is running around like Jason freaking Bourne.

 

He mightn’t be Jason Bourne but he is still one mean mother plucker.

And he wont rest until he finds the missing turkeys so he tells his warrior turkeys to keep watching the farm.

While he takes a ride on one of the trucks to see where they go to

So when the next truck starts to pull out he jumps up and hitches a ride.

 

When he looks at the turkeys on the truck he notices that they aren’t happy at all.

They are crammed into crates where they cant move eat or drink.

The colonels blood begins to boil as he looks at his fellow turkeys looking all sad and forlorn.

Then the air brakes sound the truck has reached its destination.

The colonels heart burns in his chest with a sinking sensation.

 

gobble gobble gobble

 

Straightaway he smells the stench of blood shit and death and he hangs his head in distress

He now knows why none of the turkeys ever return home.

Soon the crates of turkeys are unloaded by a forklift and disappear inside the factory.

The colonel takes a deep breath as he waddles toward the front door.

The turkeys pain and suffering digs deep in his craw.

 

When he opens the door he has a quick look around then puts on a white coat and a hair net and makes his way over to reception.

The receptionist looks up to see the ugliest man she has ever seen approach the counter.

Hello my name is Gilbert Guajolote from the Albuquerque  Health Board and I am here to inspect the facilities.’

The receptionist checks the appointments for the day”I am sorry but there is nothing here about any inspection today’

The colonel stands up straight and leans over the counter ‘Of course there isn’t so please go and inform the manager that I am here and make it snappy’

The receptionist smiles but she isn’t very happy.

 

gobble gobble gobble

 

A harried looking man soon arrives and is taken aback by the appearance of the inspector,surely he is the ugliest man on the planet.

‘Sorry for the delay my name is Harry Bastingwand please follow me’

Colonel guajolote breathes deep and steps over the threshold.

But the sight before him soon stops him in his tracks.

Hundreds and hundreds of dead featherless turkeys swing above the production line.

The colonel soon recovers and faces his fallen comrades with a quivering beak.

He raises a wing in a heartfelt salute turns on his heels and gets the fuck out of that murderous place.

Tome would surely stop if it saw the look on his face.

 

Once outside the colonel looks up to the heavens and screams a mighty war cry.

It echoes up and down the hills and valleys in new mexico Arizona and some say it was heard in Nevada and down to texas.

All of the wild turkeys in those states look to the sky and listen to the call to arms from the head of all turkeys.

A cry for freedom from down near Albuquerque.

 

gobble gobble gobble

 

Colonel guajolote is in a rage as he continues to scream for help.

But he is afraid that his cries might not be heard by all of his allies so he climbs to the summit of the sandia peak tramway and builds himself a huge funeral pyre.

He covers himself in warpaint and dances around the fire until it dies down to embers.

Then he slowly flaps his wings amongst the wisps of smoke.

He flaps and sways until the tendrils of smoke start to form words.

The words are seen by the all of the turkeys in the united states.

Hopefully the turkeys will spring into action before it is too late.

 

Along the width and breadth of north America the words of smoke are seen by over 50 million wild turkeys.

Who soon form themselves into armies of birds,they storm turkey farms and processing plants and set free their captive friends.

 

gobble gobble gobble

 

On the streets of America there is complete and utter chaos

It is almost thanksgiving and all of the TV networks are reporting a shortage this year in fact there are none to be had.

Supermarkets and convenience stores are bombarded by customers trying to keep the tradition alive.

They want turkey and they want it now but all stores have no turkeys this season.

All of the turkeys have escaped and are hiding in the undergrowth away from their tormentors and foes.

 

Colonel guajolote is one satisfied turkey.

He is now old and is enjoying his retirement.

His grandchildren keep him busy but he wouldn’t want it any other way.

He is proud of his achievements  and on thanksgiving every year he raises a glass to all of  the fallen turkeys.

All is well down near Albuquerque.

 

gobble gobble gobble

Stinger ( Part Two )

09 Saturday Sep 2017

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In part one of this story i introduced you to El Groucho the meanest baddest drug smuggler in Mexico.

El Groucho had been smuggling drugs into America for decades but over  the last year or so all of his efforts have been thwarted by the american authorities.

So he came up with a very cunning plan.

 

He kidnapped an genetic scientist and his family and held them for ransom.

The scientist was told to come up with a way to smuggle drugs that was invisible to radar or his family would be killed.

After a week of trial and tribulation he finally came up with the idea of genetically modifying a wasp.

A wasp that at first was the size of a sparrow but now has grown to the size of a small plane.

 

The modified wasp started flying back and forth between Mexico and America delivering saddlebags full of cocaine to the american public and bringing back millions of dollars to El Groucho.

But during the long lonely flights the wasp started to dip its stinger into the saddlebags sampling the product.

And pretty soon the modified wasp was addicted.

 

Back in his compound El Groucho after having the scientist and hid family murdered.

Was busy counting his money when the modified wasp crashed through his living room wall killing a Few of El Groucho’s henchmen.

While El Groucho narrowly escaped by the skin of his teeth and made his way to a secret fortress near the pico de orizaba mountain.

And the modified flew off with his saddlebags full of cocaine.

 

Part Two.

The modified wasp has almost reached Texas feeling strung out a little bit worse for the weather.

Its saddlebags are empty and it desperately needs some relief.

 

The wasp is now the size of a large glider and is just as silent and like a stealth bomber it is invisible to radar,

With a stinger as long as a javelin and as thick as a mans arm

It is a weapon of enormous proportions a weapon of death.

 

The wasp starts to feel a little nostalgic as it comes in for a landing.

He never knew his mother but he knows that she was born in this neck of the woods.

So this is the perfect place to recuperate and rid his body from the drug dependency.

 

He lands near a large cave and crawls inside to cleanse his body and mind.

Then he closes his eyes and enters a state of hibernation.

 

As the wasp sleeps he shakes and shivers as his body screams out for a fix.

But he is not alone because all of the local insects come out to lend a helping hand.

They tend to all of his needs as he goes through cold turkey.

 

Two weeks later the wasp opens his eyes to the start of a brand new life

It crawls out of the cave and starts to beat his wings getting ready for takeoff.

And as he prepares to take to the sky he has only two things on his mind.

Rid America and Mexico from the scourge of drugs and to find and kill El Groucho.

 

At his fortress in the north of Mexico El Groucho is busy setting up a new operation.

He is still recovering from his encounter with the modified wasp but he is determined to once again be a major player in the drug trade.

After all the Americans still need to feed their habits and El Groucho is more than happy to supply their misery.

 

The wasp has just entered Mexican airspace when his stinger starts to twirl and twist it has honed in on a drug making warehouse.

The wasp lands silently on the roof of the warehouse and using its stinger like a can opener it peels back the corrugated iron.

It looks down onto the workers below as they bag up kilo after kilo of cocaine

Then it drops down like a blood thirsty bumble bee.

 

It lands with a thud in the middle of the room and the bagger’s scatter in all directions.

But the wasp isn’t interested in them they are just peasant folk trying to feed their families.

All of his concentration is on four guards armed with machine guns.

Soon the bullets are flying and the wasp is hit by over twenty rounds but they have little affect.

Because the wasps body has also modified it is now a two inch thick combination of kevlar and carbon steel.

 

It is on the guards with lightning speed and they are all despatched with a single bite.

Then the wasp opens the bags of cocaine with its stinger beats its wings as fast as a hummingbird and the cocaine is gone with the wind.

Then the wasp fills its saddlebags with all of the drug money sets fire to the warehouse and takes off.

 

Once outside the wasp swoops down low over a local village  and empties the saddlebags that contain almost one million dollars.

All of the people race outside and fill their pockets with the money sent from heaven.

They have never seen so much money now they will be able to feed and clothe their families for years.

 

In the following months the wasp flies all over Mexico destroying every drug operation that it comes across.

Burning the drugs and raining down millions of dollars on the poor folk below.

 

And of course all of this activity hasn’t gone unnoticed by the media.

Television stations all over the country are reporting the story of a strange flying creature that is destroying drug operations and making the poor rich with money from the heavens.

The modified wasp is fast becoming something of a hero to the masses.

And the press have even given the creature a name ‘El Saviour’

 

But not all people are happy with the activities of ‘El Saviour’

Up in his fortress El Groucho is seething as he watches his TV with his eyes ablaze.

Something will have to be done about this ‘El Saviour’ so he picks up an encrypted phone and makes some calls.

 

He is calling his fellow drug barons who control the drug trade in Mexico.

They are all losing money hand over fist and they will stop at nothing to stop this ‘El Saviour’

And they agree to meet El Groucho at his fortress in three days time.

 

One by one the drug lords arrive at an airport fifty miles from the fortress  and they all board a helicopter supplied by El Groucho.

And they takeoff towards their destiny.

 

The drug lords are relaxing with shots of tequila  talking about ways to rid themselves from the menace of ‘El Saviour’

When from the corner of his eye the pilot notices an incoming threat.

A huge wasp is racing towards the helicopter and the pilot screams at his passengers to strap themselves in.

But his warning comes way too late.

 

‘El Saviour comes in low and fast and before the passengers can move he runs his stinger along the side of the copter.

And opens it up like a can of beans.

A few of the passengers are sucked out and slam into the rotor blades while the rest pray to their maker as the helicopter goes into free fall and hits the ground.

 

In his fortress El Groucho sees the flames on the side side of the mountain and his knees start to buckle.

He looks at the huge fireball and knows that he is in big trouble ‘El Saviour’ is nearby looking for a fight.

Bring it on motherfucker.

 

The modified wasp know that El Groucho is nearby but it is not quite sure where.

He waves his stinger and tastes the air trying to pick up a scent.

And sure enough he picks up a smell the smell of fear.

He gets his bearings and flies toward a fortress a mile away.

 

El Groucho is waiting for an attack and he isn’t surprised when a huge wasp appears on the horizon.

But he is surprised by the sheer size of it.

The wasp is now the size of a airliner and coming in fast.

 

El Groucho waits for the wasp to get within firing range

He puts a surface to air missile launcher to his shoulder takes aim and fires.

But the missile is deflected by the wasp and it loses its course and heads back towards the fortress.

 

‘Holy shit’ El Groucho screams as the missile streaks toward him

He runs as fast as he can but is still inside when the missile hits the fortress.

But once again luck is on El Grouchos side and he crawls outside virtually unscathed.

The fortress is now nothing more than a pile of rubble and El Groucho crawls toward a land rover to make an escape.

 

But he doesn’t get very far when ‘El Saviour comes in hard and fast and impales El Groucho in the thigh.

And carries him off toward the pico de arizaba mountain.

An active volcano.

 

El Groucho is wriggling like a fish caught on a hook as the modified wasp hovers above the crater.

Then the wasp points his stinger earthward and El Groucho falls into the molten lava.

 

El Groucho screams all the way down he cant believe that he has been defeated by a creature that he helped create.

His screams stop as he hits the lave and becomes nothing but ash.

 

The modified wasp smiles with satisfaction with a job well done

And in a heartbeat he is gone.

Destination unknown

 

 

 

 

THE END

Shoeshine ( The Sin Away )

19 Saturday Aug 2017

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It is a cold windy day in Chicago Illinois and a fourteen year old African American boy is about to start his first day at work.

The year is 1950 and Calvin Jackson is excited to be following in his grandfathers footsteps.

 

His grandfather Melvin has been shining shoes for over fifty years.

But now his health isn’t the best so he has decided to pass on his skills to his favourite grandson.

 

Calvin has been living with his grandparents for most of his life.

His mother abandoned him soon after he was born and his father didn’t want anything to do with him.

So Calvin was raised by his loving grandparents.

 

Calvin loves his grandparents dearly and they love him like a son.

They brought him up to treat people with respect and to do the right thing.

But Calvin hasn’t been completely honest with them.

He has a secret.

 

Since he can remember he has had the ability to touch and object belonging to someone and sensing that persons thoughts and feelings.

He can see into their very soul.

 

Calvin has never told anybody about this ability.

He doesn’t want people to know because they might think that he is some sort of freak or something.

Plus it isn’t easy being African American this Calvin learnt from an early age.

So he keeps his eyes down and minds his own business.

 

He knows that he has a special talent but all he wants right now is to make his grandfather proud.

So when his grandfather wakes him and tells him that it is time for breakfast.

Calvin jumps out of bed and eats his bacon and eggs excited about the day ahead.

Then he follows his grandfather out the door.

 

They catch a train to Melvin’s shoeshine stand just outside the subway.

The perfect spot to catch people on their way to work.

Calvin watches as his grandfather arranges his brushes and clothes ready for his first customer.

Melvin Jackson is the best shoeshine man in all of Chicago.

 

Calvin sits near his grandfather and watches his every move as he polishes and shines shoes to a high gloss.

Melvin is in his element as shines shoes and chats to his regular customers.

Then it is Calvin’s turn.

 

Melvin hands him the brush and takes a seat and settles down to read the newspaper with one eye and the other on his grandson.

When Calvin touches the brush he is glad to feel that his grandfather is happy and looking forward to his retirement.

Where he will spend his time building model trains and getting under the feet of his loving wife.

 

Calvin is nervous when his first customer takes his seat at the shoeshine stand.

But he is a natural as he shines shoes it is like he has been doing it for years.

When he touches the shoes he doesn’t feel anything untoward or threatening and the customer leaves a good tip and goes on his way.

 

His next customer takes a seat and precedes to tell Calvin his life story.

Calvin smiles and nods his head in all the right times to keep his customer happy.

Because the number one rule in the shoeshine business is to ensure that the customer leaves satisfied with the service.

Because then he will come back again and again.

 

Calvin’s first few weeks on the job pass without incident.

He shines the shoes of all comers whether it is a lawyer thinking about his day in court.

A businessman thinking about how to close a deal or just your average joe on his way to another work day.

 

Then a month later an ordinary man takes a seat and Calvin decides to try something different.

So he grasps a shoelace like he is holding a rosary bead and his fingers feel for good or bad vibrations.

And he looks deep inside the customer soul looking for anything sinister or worse.

 

Calvin smiles and says ‘good morning’ and gets to work.

But as soon as his fingers grasp one of the laces he is almost jolted back out of his seat.

His pulse quickens and he starts to sweat.

This guy is trouble.

 

Calvin acts like nothing is amiss and keeps on shining as he gazes deeper into the soul.

The customer is oblivious to the intrusion as Calvin goes about his business.

There is trouble at home.

Calvin delves even deeper and the customer starts to squirm in his seat ‘What are you doing boy?’

Calvin looks into the mans eyes and replies ‘Whatever the trouble you are having at home can all be worked out’

‘Get some marriage guidance or get a divorce but don’t take a life because you are unhappy’

 

None of Calvin’s words are spoken out loud they are spoken from soul to soul.

Calvin just hopes that his words have sunk in and that the man will go home and sort out his problems.

 

Calvin finishes his shining and the free advice and the man stands up and pulls out his wallet and hands Calvin a crisp one dollar bill.

‘Thanks boy I don’t know what you did but I feel like a weight has been lifted from my body’

With that he walks away.

 

Over the next few months Calvin deals with all sorts of normal and troubled souls.

And he does his best to shine shoes and  to give some friendly unspoken advice.

And he does it all with a smile on his face and goes home  satisfied but tired.

He didn’t realise that shining shoes would be so mentally draining.

But when you look deep into troubled souls it takes a lot out of you.

And he has trouble sleeping because his mind never shuts down.

 

All that Calvin wanted was to make his grandfather proud and be the best shoeshine boy in the neighbourhood.

But he now knows that he has become more than that.

He is now a soothsayer a soul healer for the common man.

But it is all starting to become too much.

 

Over the weekend doesn’t know if he can carry on or not so he visits his grandfather and tells him of his special ability and how it is starting to mess with his mind.

Melvin looks at him like he is the second coming of Christ and tells Calvin that he has been given a gift and that he should he should carry on helping people if he can.

 

So first thing Monday morning Calvin jumps out of bed packs his bag and goes to work.

Calvin loves to shine shoes and help people in need.

He is what he is.

 

Gary Wayne Debois is a serial killer.

But today he isn’t thinking about killing all he wants is to eat some breakfast and get his shoes shined.

Then he can get down to business the business of killing.

 

He remembers an old man and his shoeshine stand outside of the train station so he heads towards the subway.

And when he arrives he is greeted by a teenage negro boy waiting for his first customer of the day,

Debois tells the boy that the last time that he was here an old man shined his shoes and Calvin explains that that was his grandfather who is now retired.

Debois says ‘D o the family proud boy ‘ and takes a seat not knowing that the shoeshine boy is about to look into his soul and beyond.

 

When the man is comfortable Calvin starts rubbing with his cloth and takes hold of a lace.

He looks deep into the mans soul but doesn’t see a thing.

It is like looking into a bottomless pit.

 

Calvin closes his eyes and once again he tries to enter the belly of the beast.

But again he sees nothing but black like riding a train through a tunnel to hell.

 

Then Calvin is brought back to reality when he is kicked in the head ‘What the fuck are you doing boy? Just shine my shoes and make it fucking snappy’

Calvin shines as fast as he can so this man can get out of his life.

He knows that he is dealing with a very dangerous individual so he finishes quickly and with his head bowed waits for his tip.

 

Debois stands up throws a coin on the ground at Calvin’s feet and walks away muttering obscenities.

 

A few weeks later Calvin is shining the shoes of a customer when Debois comes back and he grabs hold of the customer and tells him to get out of his way.

He takes a seat and tells Calvin to ‘Hurry the fuck up I haven’t got all fucking day’

Calvin gets to work and once again tries to enter the mans soul but again he is denied.

Than Calvin has an idea if he can somehow take the mans laces home maybe he can look into the soul without being in the mans presence.

 

Hey mister both of your laces are just about worn out I can replace them both free of charge’

Calvin looks up into the mans face with hope ‘Well what are you fucking waiting for boy?’

Calvin quickly changes the laces and the man goes on his way.

 

Riding the subway home Calvin can feel the weight of the laces in his pocket.

He touches them and searches for the mans inner being.

He gets in but the connection is weak.

The man is driving down the highway and he has just picked up a female hitch hiker.

Unfortunately for Calvin his train is travelling in the opposite direction to the mans car and the connection is broken.

 

Calvin arrives home with his mind in turmoil he paces back and forth in his room wondering what to do.

Then he sits on his bed and unties his laces and attaches them to the mans laces

Maybe there will be some sort of connection?

 

And there is it is like watching a silent movie.

Calvin now knows who he is dealing with Gary Wayne Debois is a serial killer who the police have been trying to catch for over a decade.

He has been linked to over twenty murders.

But Calvin can see that the number is closer to fifty.

 

Calvin notices that the girl has her hands tied behind her with the same laces that Calvin tied to the mans shoes a few hours ago.

So hopefully his aura is still attached to them.

Maybe just maybe.

 

Calvin grips his laces tight concentrates and whispers into the girls ear and smiles when her eyes open in shock ‘My name is Calvin and I am here to try and help you.I am going to try to loosen the laces binding your hands nod your head if you understand”

The frightened girl slowly nods her head.

 

Calvin closes his eyes and grips his laces even tighter and the girl starts to wriggles in the car seat ‘Try not to move too much or the man will know that something is up when the laces are loose nod your head’

And once again the girl nods her head.

 

OK now tell the man that you have to go to the bathroom real bad’

Calvin can see the girl talking to the man but Debois gives her a backhander and tells her to ‘Shut the fuck up bitch we are almost at your final resting place but I am going to have a little fun first.

The girl is scared out of her wits and her urine flows down her legs and the smell hits Debois’s nose.

‘Why you filthy bitch” he pulls the car near an abandoned building and drags her from the car by her hair.

From his pocket he pulls out a knife exposes the girls throat and is about to cut her open from ear to ear.

The girl desperately rakes at the mans face with her nails and it gives Calvin a few vital seconds.

 

He knows that it is now or never he wasn’t able to enter the mans soul but maybe he can enter his heart.

Calvin closes his eyes and squeezes the laces and squeezes hard on the mans heart.

And as Debois and the girl struggle Calvin squeezes one last time and Debois grabs his chest and falls to the ground dead.

 

The girl whispers ‘Thank You ” to Calvin who falls asleep completely exhausted.

 

Two days later at the city morgue a body is lying on a gurney when a foot starts to twitch.

Then the man sits up and takes in his surroundings and he smiles.

Gary Wayne Debois is alive and well and he only has one thing on his mind.

REVENGE.

Stinger

17 Saturday Jun 2017

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In southern Texas not far from the Mexican border a desperate scientist is looking

for a wasp.

And not just any wasp but a large female tarantula hawk.

A wasp known for its aggressiveness and large stinger.

 

The reason the scientist is desperate is because he is working for a dangerous drug smuggler from Mexico.

This smuggler is named El Groucho he is mean and nasty without any good bones in his body.

He has been sneaking drugs into America for over a decade but lately all of his attempts

from been thwarted by the US authorities.

So he has come up with a cunning plan instead of digging under the border he will fly over it.

So he has decided to use genetically modified wasps as drug mules.

 

That is where the scientist comes in.

His family was kidnapped by El Groucho a few weeks ago and if the scientist doesn’t genetically modify a wasp into a drug smuggler his family will be killed.

The scientist’s name is Dr Michael Chapman and he is the most respected genetic scientist in the USA.

 

El Groucho’s crazy idea is to have an aggressive female tarantula hawk wasp mated with a male mexican wasp known for its endurance and its temper.

But most of all for its extra large stinger.

So El Groucho is hoping to have the two nasty wasps offspring genenetically modified into drug smugglers with large stingers to fight off eagles and others large prey and to deliver the drugs to the american public at large.

 

Up in Laredo the scientist has finally located a female tarantula hawk and is on his way back to El Groucho’s compound in Nuevo Juarez Mexico.

The scientist thinks that El Groucho should be called El Loco instead because his plan is crazy and diabolical.

But he will do anything to save his wife and two children so he puts his foot down and drives towards Mexico.

 

He arrives at the compound four hours later and El Groucho rush’es him inside and orders him to get to work immediately.

The scientist refuses and tells El Groucho that he want start until he knows that hi family is safe.

So El Groucho orders one of his henchman to bring the family to him immediately.

And a few minutes later the scientist is reunited with his family where they hug and kiss for a while until his family is taken away and he is taken downstairs where a rudimentary laboratory has been set up.

 

The scientist has a look around and cant believe that El Groucho expects him to work under these conditions.

But he knows that he hasn;t got any choice so he puts the box containing the female wasp on a table and gets to work.

He looks over to a small glass enclosure about three foot square where a small male wasp is buzzing around.

He captures  the wasp and extracts a few drops of sperm from its body.

He places the male back into the enclosure and gets to work.

 

The scientist examines and modifies the sperm day and night for two days until he is satisfied.

He has one last look under the microscope and than tell s the henchman to summin El Groucho.

El Groucho enters the lab and congratulates the scientist and watches while the sperm is injected into the female.

The female is placed into the enclosure with the male wasp where they quickly size each other up.

 

The scientist is going crazy while he waits for the female to lay her eggs.

But two days later she goes to the corner of the enclosure and deposits three little eggs on the glass.

The male comes flies over to inspect the situation but is quickly stung multiple times by the female and quickly devoured.

 

The scientist and El Groucho are both disappoited by the size of the eggs.

All three of the eggs appear normal and the scientist knows that his family are now in very deep trouble.

Than the female falls to the bottom of the enclosure  where she starts to expand.

She continues to grow and grow until she explodes in a cloud of blood and guts.

 

What emerges is a large wasp about the size of a sparrow who bash’es against the glass trying to escape.

It continues to grow and is now the size of  a dove with a mean temper and a stinger the size of a mans finger.

El Groucho orders the scientist to put his arm into the enclosure and pull the wasp out.

The scientist isn’t to keen with this idea but he has little choice when the henchman comes up behind him brandishing a large machete.

 

The scientist Puts his arm inside the enclosure and is quickly stung by the large stinger.

He grimaces in pain but he places the wasp on the table where it looks at the humans in curiosity.

El Groucho feels like frankenstein  with his monster but he looks down at that wasp and starts to talk. “You are my creation and i am your master you will obey my every command and smuggle drugs to america  until i tell you to stop ,do you understand?’

The wasp who has now grown to the size of a falcon nods its head in understanding.

 

The scientist is in a bad way and is struggling to breathe.

He can do nothing but stare in horror as is family is brought to him and are slaughtered in cold blood by the henchman’s machete.

The scientist takes his final breath and he along with his family are dragged outside and dumped in the backyard.

 

For three months the wasp flies back and forth from Texas and Mexico delivering its evil wares.

Every time it returns it feeds on the scientist and his family has his saddlebags replenished and takes off for america once again.

 

On its way back to america the modified wasp is caught in a storm where it is battered by the wind and rain.

One of the saddlebags burst open and over a kilo of cocaine enters its system.

The wasp savours the taste of the drug and it immediately wants more.

It puts its stinger into the saddlebag and has another taste.

 

The wasp alters course and heads back to Mexico and his master.

It continues to have taste after taste of the drug until its brain becomes damaged by the drug.

The wasp who is now the size of an albatross with a stinger the size of a baseball bat is now on a rampage.

 

El Groucho and the henchman are in the compound counting all the dirty money when the wall comes crashing in.

They both look but cant believe what they are seeing.

The wasp has grown into enormous proportions it is now the size of a large dog and it is still growing.

Its stinger is now as long and thick as a mans leg.

 

The henchman swings his machete but with little impact.

The wasps exoskeleton is now armour plated with a two inch thick skin of steel.

It hovers over El Groucho and the henchman

Then it strikes.

 

The henchman is impaled on the giant stinger and is injected with venom and his insides quickly turn to mush.

The wasp sucks up his liquid lunch and with a burp of satisfaction he releases the dried up husk.

Than the wasp turns its attention to El Groucho.

 

But El Groucho is nowhere to be seen.

While the wasp was having its meal he made his escape.

The wasp is pissed off that it cant have a proper revenge.

So it digs once more into the saddlebags and has another taste.

Next stop Texas.

 

Part two is coming soon so stay tuned.

Murder Of Crowes

08 Saturday Apr 2017

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‘Jesus Christ,is that freaking clock going backwards?’

It is the last day before the summer break.

And the clock in the classroom decides to mess with my mind.

 

Has time stood still?

Has the second hand frozen in place?

Finally the school bell rings and i race outside.

Summer vacation is my favourite time of the year.

Six weeks without homework and teachers.

Six weeks of sunshine and fun.

 

Three of my friends are waiting for me by the school gate

Kyle Coogan,Brian Jones,Dennis Steele and i have been friends since

kindergarten.

But next year we will be going to different high schools.

So this could be the last break that we spend together.

 

My name is Charlie Osborne and i am twelve years old.

I am almost a teenager but not quite.

If this is to be the last summer break i get to be with my friends.

I want to make the most of it.

 

My friends and i are just like any boys our age.

We like to go swimming,fishing and camping out in our backyards.

Sometimes we will collect tadpoles and pick blackberries.

All the normal boy stuff.

 

Today we decide to explore the bush land behind Kyles place.

Sometimes we will come across a kangaroo chewing on grass.

Or a goanna climbing up a tree.

But this time we see something different.

 

A black crow is on the ground running around in circles.

It has a broken wing and cant fly away.

I tell Kyle to go back to his house and get a box.

Maybe we can look after this bird until its wing heals.

 

Kyle looks at me like i am crazy ‘Fuck that it is only a crow’

He bends down and picks up a rock and throws it at the crow with all of

his might.

He misses but Brian and Dennis also start to throw rocks and stones at the crow.

 

Rock after rock hit the target and the bird falls to the ground.

They keep on throwing until that bird is dead.

I cant believe that my friends just did that.

But they are laughing and giving each other high fives.

I cant do anything for the bird so we run towards a water hole.

 

Up in the trees about twenty black crowes watch as the boys run away.

They fly from tree to tree following the boys as they wander down the

dirt track.

The crowes all have two things in common,they are all black.

And they all have murder in their eyes.

 

After a few hours of  swimming and skylarking around we decide to head home for something to eat.

All except Kyle who decides to stay behind and do some more swimming.

We wave to Kyle and tell him that we will be back in about an hour.

 

Kyle strips down to his underwear  and dives in head first.

As he swims and splashes around he doesn’t notice the crow’es gathering in the trees

above.

He continues to swim for a while but soon becomes bored.

So he decides to rest up and wait for his friends.

He spreads out his towel and starts to bake in the sun.

 

One of the crow’es lands on a branch just above Kyle and sizes up the situation.

Than without warning in lands on Kyle’s face with talons extended.

Kyle screams out in panic and tries to fight back but he has been taken by surprise

and he soon tires.

And before he knows what is happening both of his eyes are plucked out and swallowed

down whole.

 

By now Kyle is hysterical as the crow attacks his face.

Soon he goes into shock and offers little resistance.

The other crow’es descend onto Kyle and start to strip the flesh from his body.

Kyle’s body shudders as the black birds have their way.

They peck and claw at his body until he is nothing but a pile of bloody bones.

 

After lunch i meet up with Brian and Dennis and we make our way back to the water hole.

When we arrive Kyle is nowhere in sight.

All we see is his beach towel and his baseball cap floating in the water.

Beside the cap floats a single black feather.

 

We run home as fast as we can to get help.

My mother calls the police and we wait for them to arrive.

The area around the water hole is cordoned off and the police send for divers to

search the bottom.

And soon Kyle’s body is brought to the surface.

 

There is a gasp from the onlookers when the body comes into view.

His mother tries to run forward but is held back.

 

How has Kyle’s body been reduced to a skeleton in such a short time?

Was he attacked by a pack of wild dogs or is there a madman on the loose?

The police hold a police conference and tell everybody that until an autopsy

is performed.

It is best for people to be on their guard and for all of the neighbourhood kids

to stay indoors.

 

Brian Jones is home bored out of his mind.

It has been a week since Kyle was killed by who knows what

Brian feels sorry for Kyle,but it is summer break he needs to go out and play.

So he decides to sneak out and see how Dennis and Charlie are going.

He climbs out of his bedroom window under the cover of darkness.

 

Dennis only lives a few blocks away,so he will hang out for a while.

His parents want even know that he is gone.

As he walks under a street light he senses movement over his left shoulder.

When he looks back something slams into his face.

He staggers around in bewilderment with a bloodied nose and cut cheek.

 

Another black crow swoops down and attacks Brians face and neck.

Brian shit;s his pants and runs away in shock.

Straight into the path of a semi trailer.

 

The driver cant bake in time and he hits Brian full on.

The truck skids to a stop a hundred metres down the road.

The driver jumps out and races back hoping for the best but fearing the worst.

And the worst it is,

He cant believe that what he is seeing was once a living human being.

He looks away and vomits up his dinner completely covering a single black feather.

 

Dennis Steele is in his room crying into his pillow.

First Kyle was killed and now Brian.

Why are his friends dying?

It is school holidays we should all be having fun not cooped up inside.

When will his parents let him outside to fucking play?

 

Dennis knows that he has just  said the F word out loud but he doesn’t care anymore.

All he wants is for things to go back to normal again.

So that everybody can start to feel safe again.

 

Everything is getting to be too much for Dennis.

His nerves are shot to hell and his stomach is playing up.

And for the fifth time that day he makes his way to the bathroom.

 

He pulls down is pants and takes a seat waiting for nature to take its course.

When he hears a noise coming from the water below.

He looks down between his legs and sees a black bird heading for his scrotum.

 

He tries to jump up but he isnt quite fast enough.

The crow pecks open his ball bag and his testicles disappear down the throat of that

crazes bird.

His screams could be heard from twenty five miles away.

 

Inch by inch Dennis is pulled down into the toilet bowl.

His bones creak and crack and finally break as he is swallowed down into the sewers.

 

As Dennis enters his watery grave his parents are frantically trying to kick down the bathroom door.

And when they finally do all they see is a broken toilet

.And a single black feather.

 

Holt fucking Christ on a crutch.

I cant believe it.

First Kyle than Brain and now Dennis.

Who or what is killing all of my friends?

 

As i sit with my parents watching some TV i remember the cops telling them about finding a black feather in Dennis bathroom.

My mind goes back to that day at the water hole.

Surely it cant be about that?

Do crow’es have good memories like elephants?

They  say that elephants never forget but what about crow’es?

 

I tell my parents that i need to go for ride.

They try to stop me but i am gone in a flash.

I jump on my bike and race back to that waterhole.

And i soon arrive at the spot where we stoned that crow to death.

 

So i am so nervous my goose pimples have dimples.

I sit down in the middle of the track and wait.

All of the leaves in the trees shake and fall to the ground.

Soon i am surrounded by a green carpet and a thousand naked branches.

Is the devil coming to take me away?

Or are the black crow’es on the warpath?

 

I am guessing the latter but i don’t really know.

Soon the sky is full of black wings and an eerie silence.

Then twenty black birds land at my feet and start to do a war dance.

Or maybe it is a rain dance? One can only hope.

But the sky i clear there isn’t a cloud in sight.

So war it is.

 

One of the crow’es rushes in and attacks my left foot

I look at that crow as it grabs my little toe and tears it from my body.

And it flies back up into the trees with my twinkie in its mouth.

 

As i am distracted another bird attacks my other foot and another toe is swallowed

down.

It looks like these crow’es are going to kill me very slowly

Toe by toe bit by bit.

 

The remaining crow’es continue to walk around me in a clockwise direction.

What body part will they attack next?

‘God don’t let it be my eyes i don;t want to be blind’

And Jesus don;t let it be my willy.

I haven;t had sex yet please don;t let me die a virgin.

 

While i have been sitting in the dirt thinking another bird has flown in and taken a chunk out of my ear.

I don’t dare to fight back because i know that if i do the birds will go into a feeding frenzy.

So i cover my nuts with both hands put my head down and pray.

And through the pain i try to relax and hopefully the crow’es will fly away and leave me

in peace.

And not pieces.

 

 

But no such luck.

Another chunk is taken from my body

Blood is pouring from deep groves and starts to pool on the ground.

I pray to God and whisper goodbye to mum and dad.

 

But you know what ? Fuck that.

I jump up and scream at those fucking birds.

I tell them that i am sorry that their friend died but enough is enough.

I close my eyes and count to fifty and when i open them the birds are gone.

I turn back and start to limp home.

Than the crow’es are back.

 

These freaking birds swoop down in attack mode.

And they attack my head with venegance tearing out my hair strand by strand.

Holy fucking crap i am getting scalped by a bunch of birds.

Or should i say a murder of crow’es.

 

I cant see a thing as my blood streams down my face.

I wait for another attack but it doesn’t come.

I wipe my face with my shirt and scan my surroundings.

There isn’t any sign of the crow’es.

I pick my self up ans wander towards home.

 

Than a crow lands on the track just in front of me

He is obviously the ring leader.

With his chest puffed out he struts around like a peacock.

I look down at that black bird and once again i apologise for my behaviour

I will never ever harm another crow as long as i live.

 

The crow looks up at me with disdain.

Than he flies up and lands on my shoulder he walks over to my bleeding ear

and whispers ‘Don;t forget i know where you live’

 

 

THE END.

The Cranky Christmas Tinsel

24 Saturday Dec 2016

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Up in the corner of the living room hangs a cranky piece of tinsel.

It is a week before Christmas 2016 the piece of tinsel has been hanging

there all lonesome for almost a year.

 

He doesn’t understand why he has been left hanging there in solitude.

When all the other decorations and ornaments were packed away all nice

and snug.

Yet here he hangs covered in cobwebs and a shitload of dust.

 

There is movement below him.

And he is pleased to see the owner of the house putting up the Christmas

tree.

And start to decorate it in all sorts of baubels silver balls and stars and a

thousand xmas lights.

With an angel placed on top.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is surprised when a step ladder is positioned

below him.

And the owner of the house removes a push pin and carries him towards the

tree.

Where he is draped over a branch or two right in front and centre.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel would be smiling right now if he could.

He cant believe his luck

Now he is in the perfect spot to have some fun and a little bit of mischief.

 

The family cat wanders in and starts sniffing around the base of the tree.

The cranky Christmas decoration watches the cat and wills it to climb.

But the cat couldn’t be bothered with climbing it arches  its back and jumps

right on up.

 

The Christmas tree starts to sway as the cat wrestles among the branches

in a tangle of Christmas lights.

The cranky Christmas unwraps itself reaches down and flips the light

switch.

 

The cat screams like a banshee on heat and runs from the room destroying

everything in its path blowing smoke signals from its arse.

Now i am not a Native American so the smoke signals are hard to read

But i think it says something like ‘Holy  fucking shit’

 

Smokey the Cats fur now stands permanently on end and it will forever

have a surprised look on his face.

 

Smokey was last seen hitch hiking out town.

But i am sure that he will be back one day.

 

 

The cranky Christmas is hanging in the tree feeling mighty fine.

He looks to the kitchen table where the owner of the house is enjoying

a glass of eggnog.

She is the reason why he is so cranky.

How dare she leave him hanging all year like a forgotten sock.

And the last thing you want in your house is a cranky Christmas tinsel.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel senses movement from the corner of his eye.

And when he looks there is a black spider building a web in his fibres.

He used to be clean tucked away all tidy in a box.

But now he is green mean and mighty unclean.

 

He eyes that spider and an idea forms in his mind.

He contorts his body into the shape pf a slingshot and fires.

The spider tumbles through the air straight towards the kitchen table.

And lands with a plop right into that cup of eggnog.

 

The owner of the house is startled and when she looks down she is

surprised to see a spider doing the backstroke .

She loses control of her eggnog and it splashes between her ample cleavage.

Along with the spider.

 

I think her scream was heard from more than five miles away.

She ran around the house tearing off her clothes in a wild panic.

And naked she races into the backyard and dives into the pool.

 

The spider swims to the side and climbs out feeling rather pleased with

himself.

Than he walks back to the Christmas tree and his web on the cranky

Christmas tree.

 

After almost drowning the owner of the house retires to her room with

her two trusted companions.

A bottle of bourbon and a pack of cigarettes.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is as happy as Larry as he basks under the

Christmas lights.

He loves hanging front and centre surrounded by inferior decorations.

Than he is distracted by a noise coming from the fireplace.

And in a cloud of soot a big red arse emerges.

 

It is that old man with the white beard all the way from the North Pole.

He is carrying some weight and a great big sack.

First stop is the side table where he fills up on milk and cookies.

Than he goes to the Christmas tree takes the presents from his sack

and arranges them under the tree.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is watching Santa’s every move.

And when Santa bends over he cant help to notice that Santa’s pants

are riding low.

He is showing more crack than a freeway after an earthquake.

The cranky Christmas decides to have some fun.

He dangles down from the tree and tickles Santa’s crack.

 

Well Santa jumped higher than an Olympic pole vaulter .

And after he scraped himself from the ceiling he squeezed back up the

Chimney

And got the fuck out of there.

 

The next few days run smoothly.

The owner of the house has some family and friends over to help

celebrate the festive season.

She relaxes and enjoys life for a few days.

Than it is time to go back to work.

 

Two weeks later the owner of the house decides that it is time to pull

down the tree.

She fills box after box with all of her decorations and lights.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is still hanging on the tree when the owner

of the house returns with another empty box.

She the cranky Christmas tinsel and bends down to place him into the

box.

But she is clumsy and drops the cranky Christmas tinsel and somehow

kicks it under the lounge.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel cant fucking believe it.

He wanted to be packed away in hibernation for a year.

But instead here he is under the couch with dead cockroaches stray coins

and an assortment of crumbs.

 

But he isn’t too worried he is confident that the owner of the house will

notice and pack him away all safe and sound.

Than he feels a tug from behind.

He looks back and sees a pair of green eyes.

 

Smokey the cat is back from his road trip.

And he wants the cranky Christmas tinsel to pay.

He chews the cranky Christmas tinsel like he is a tasty chicken bone.

And he keeps on chewing until the cranky Christmas tinsel is no more.

 

A few days later smokey the cat walked up to the owner of the house.

And when she bent down to give him a pat he coughed and spluttered

and out came a nasty looking cranky Christmas tinsel fur ball.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Pigs Can Fly

03 Saturday Dec 2016

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In the dense scrub at Kakadu National Park Northern Territory

Australia.

A sounder of bush pigs are feeding on mushrooms roots in fact

anything that there snouts dig up they will eat.

They don’t sense any danger.

But it is right behind them.

 

Bush pigs are their own worst enemies.

An introduced species they cause havoc and destruction wherever

they go.

They dig up the soil destroying the landscape causing erosion.

They also wallow in the waterholes and billabongs.

Turning them into fouled up stinking piles of mud.

 

Shane Frazer is a professional pig shooter.

For over ten years he has been trying to rid the Territory of

the feral porkers.

But due to the recent weather their numbers are exploding.

 

Today Shane is hunting from a helicopter.

The pilot is flying just above the treeline trying to flush out

the feral pigs.

When they reach a clearing about twenty bush pigs scatter in all

directions.

Shane takes aim and squeezes the trigger.

 

The leader of the sounder is a huge boar named Brutus.

Lifts his head in defiance and roars at the sky.

While all around him his underlings fall dead in a whirl

of blood and dust.

Than Brutus finally runs to the cover of the trees.

 

From the safety of the undergrowth Brutus looks at the machine

hovering above.

His eyes lock onto the face of the shooter.

And the image is stored deep inside his brain.

Brutus will never forget that face and one day he shall have his

revenge.

 

The pilot tells Shane that they only have an hour of fuel left and

they should start heading back.

But Shane doesn’t want to give up.

He couldn’t get a shot at the huge pig  and he knows that if he can

kill that razorback it will put a huge dent in their breeding season.

But at the same time he has to be realistic because there is always

tomorrow.

And tomorrow cant come soon enough.

 

Brutus hears the machine retreating and all of his muscles relax.

He bends down and starts to forage for food.

But the roots and wild flowers don’t satisfy his hunger.

Brutus now has another taste the taste for blood.

So he cannibalises his fallen comrades and swallows down the meat.

He sniffs the air trying to smell the smell of the shooter.

 

But all he can smell is the tang of the machine.

And when that machine returns Brutus will be ready.

He sharpens his tusks on a nearby tree they are now perfect for digging

up food.

And disemboweling his enemies.

 

A few hours later and Brutus has calmed down and is ready for some

fun.

He needs to fornicate to satisfy he desires and continue his species.

So Brutus wanders off searching for a mate.

 

A few hours later he stumbles upon a barbed wire fence.

Brutus tries to push over the fence but all he gets is an electrical shock

for his efforts.

Brutus has noticed a shitload of food on the other side.

So he starts to dig

 

If only pigs could read.

Because a danger sign is attached to the fence

‘DANGER DO NOT ENTER

TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED’

 

Brutus digs way down below the fence line and crawls on in.

But he has entered a restricted area where the government is

conducting a top secret experiment.

It is genetically modifying food mainly vegetables like potatoes

carrots and corn.

 

Brutus cant believe his luck as he gorges himself on the tasty

treat.

He really pigs out.

He eats and eats until he is ready to burst.

Finally he cant eat anymore so he lies down to digest the food.

 

After awhile he starts to feel uncomfortable.

All of his joints are aching and his bones are expanding.

His body ripples as his muscles shift under his skin.

Every bristle on his body stiffen into razor sharp nails.

Than Brutus does something that a pig has never done before.

He stands upright on two legs instead of four.

 

Brutus doesn’t understand what is happening.

But he is now equipped with a body ready to rip and tear.

With revenge on his mind he walks straight through the fence

in a shower of sparks.

He doesn’t know where he is going.

All he can do is follow his snout to achieve his revenge.

 

Shane Frazer climbs aboard the helicopter ready for another working

day.

There is only one thing on his mind and that is to kill that rogue boar.

Shane has only one goal in his life.

And that is to rid Australia from feral and introduced species.

 

Brutus is in a rage as he walks toward a fight that he will not lose.

His tusks have grown tenfold and are as sharp as a rapier.

And his brain is now capable of performing intricate tasks.

This pig is now a smart battle ready killing machine.

 

His ears pick up a sound from a great distance.

And his eyes can now pick out and identify objects from more than

ten miles away.

Brutus recognises the killing machine and he strolls toward the sound

REVENGE.

 

He notices a rocky outcrop and a thought enters his modified brain.

If he can climb up there he can bring that machine down.

He climbs higher and higher until he reaches his position of choice.

He squats down ready for the right moment to strike.

 

Shane and the pilot are oblivious to the danger.

No one in their right mind would expect to see a pig 100 foot above

the ground.

Their eyes are locked on the ground looking for movement.

Brutus listens as the machine gets closer.

Than his eyes lock onto the face of the shooter.

His blood begins to boil as he stares at the pig killer.

Than the moment is here and he steals himself and launches.

 

Shane is concentrating so hard he fails to see the flying pig.

Than from the corner of his eye he senses movement.

He isn’t is concerned thinking it is only a large eagle or egret.

Than Shane utters his final words ‘What the fuck’

He cant believe what he is seeing a pig is flying toward the copter.

 

Brutus is flying through the air with wings that he never knew he possessed.

He flies straight into the machine and his tusks opens up the throat of the

shooter and pilot

Than he flies out the other side and glides down to the ground.

 

In the copter Shane and the pilot are desperately trying to hold their

throats together.

But the cuts run deep they are almost decapitated.

They both know that they dead men so they say their final goodbyes.

What a way to go killed by a flying piece of pork.

Who said pigs cant fly.

 

The helicopter is spinning out of control as it spirals towards the ground

Then it hits and explodes in a huge fireball.

 

Brutus watches as the machine explodes than he sits on his bacon butt

waiting for the flames to die down.

After an hour he walks over to the smouldering wreck and pulls the charred

bodies from their final resting place.

Than Brutus begins to eat the cooked human flesh.

He keeps on eating until there is nothing but two piles of bones in the dirt.

 

Brutus has now had a taste of human meat and he wants MORE.

 

Part Two is coming soon so keep an eye out

And stay away from the bacon.