Tag Archives: santa

Santa ( Clause )

08 Saturday Dec 2018

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Just a short sleigh ride NE of Greenland lives a rotund old man.

He always wears a red suit and a black belt with a shiny gold buckle.

And there is only one person on earth who fits that description and that is Santa Claus of course.

It is 8th December and Santa is in the bathroom of his chalet trimming his grey beard so he looks his best for the coming Christmas season.

Then after the trim he steps onto the bathroom scales and almost dies with fright.

Santa knows that the children all over the world expect him to be jolly and a bit chubby.

But if he  suddenly dies from a heart attack just before Christmas who will deliver the presents to the children.?

So Santa decides that the time is right for him to seek legal advice and maybe add a few clauses to his contract.

Santa doesn’t mean to offend anyone with his legal action but if he continues to consume one thousand litres of full cream milk and a million cookies on an annual basis then he might just burst at the seams.

So people please resist the urge to leave an unhealthy snack out for Santa on Christmas eve.

Because if you continue to leave junk food then Santa will be too heavy to ride in the back of the sleigh.

Plus it would put extra strain on the already overworked reindeer.

Clause # 1

If you must leave a snack for Santa please a glass of skim milk and a rice cracker or two will suffice.

Better still kindly just leave Santa a thank you note.

And by all means continue to leave some carrots for Rudolph and his friends because they are much appreciated.

Santa has also asked me to inform his loyal customers the world over to install wider chimneys.

Because as the old saying goes ‘You cant fit a round peg in a square hole’ ( or is it the other way around?) Because as we all know from the before mentioned Clause # 1 Santa is concerned about his weight.

So please install wider chimneys so Santa can deliver the presents in a timely manner.

And please keep your chimneys clean because Santa doesn’t want to come out looking like a coal miner.

Clause # 2

Install a chimney with minimum dimensions of 60cm x 30 cm or otherwise Santa might have to leave your presents in your front yard or in the worst scenario leave no presents at all.

PS Santa realises that this Christmas season is almost upon us so chimneys installed for the 2019 season will suffice.

The following clause will have to be strictly adhered to because if it isn’t then Santa will contemplate going on strike.

Santa wants to know why he is based at the North Pole for 12 months of the year?

Because people it is fucking up in the artic circle and Santa is afraid the his nuts will drop off and roll away never to be seen again.

Surely he could live in sunny Acapulco or Fiji for 11 months of the year?

It would give his plums a chance to thaw out plus give him time alone with Mrs Claws ( sorry Claus ) without putting up with the cold weather and listening to the elves shenenigans.

So once again I stress that if Santa doesn’t get a tan and some action this year then strike action could really be a reality.

Clause # 3

Santa requires a benefactor to supply him with rent free accommodation in a sunny location and in exchange Santa promises to deliver your presents no matter the width of your chimney.

Plus if it takes your fancy you can leave out a frosty long neck of beer and a huge slice of chocolate cake.

The last clause concerns the antics and temperament of Rudolph the reindeer.

Sure he might have a shiny red nose and can pull a sleigh like a draught horse

But lately Rudolph has been getting a little to big for his hooves.

Santa needs his reindeer to work as a team and he really hasn’t got the time to deal with a prima donna sleigh puller who demands all he attention.

And please don’t tell Santa that I am telling you this but I think that he might be just a little jealous of Rudolph and his quest for top billing.

Next thing you know he will be wanting a star on the Hollywood walk of fame.

Santa receives millions of letters every year from children telling Santa what presents they want for Christmas and now a lot of them are asking about the welfare of Rudolph and his freaking red nose.

And it is really starting to annoy the fat  man in the red suit.

He is Santa the rider of the sleigh and he doesn’t like to share the spotlight.

Not one little bit.

So if Rudolph doesn’t pull his head in then he will be replaced by Vixen or Prancer.

Or better yet get carved up and turned into some tasty choice cuts or a delectable rack of venison.

Clause# 4

Rudolph needs to be a team player once again and keep his ego in check.

Because if he doesn’t and Vixen or Prancer don’t  live up to expectations then Santa cant  guarantee that deliveries will be made on time.

So please read the four clauses carefully because a happy Santa means more presents for you and me.

                                                                Yours Faithfully

                                                                MR Joseph Walrusson    esquire

                                                                1 Snowbound Lane

                                                                Middle of nowhere, Greenland

                                                                                        THE END

         Thanks for taking the time to read one of my stories and could you also consider making a donation to go towards my goal of becoming a fulltime writer. Thanks again Steven.                

The Cranky Christmas Tinsel

24 Saturday Dec 2016

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Up in the corner of the living room hangs a cranky piece of tinsel.

It is a week before Christmas 2016 the piece of tinsel has been hanging

there all lonesome for almost a year.

 

He doesn’t understand why he has been left hanging there in solitude.

When all the other decorations and ornaments were packed away all nice

and snug.

Yet here he hangs covered in cobwebs and a shitload of dust.

 

There is movement below him.

And he is pleased to see the owner of the house putting up the Christmas

tree.

And start to decorate it in all sorts of baubels silver balls and stars and a

thousand xmas lights.

With an angel placed on top.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is surprised when a step ladder is positioned

below him.

And the owner of the house removes a push pin and carries him towards the

tree.

Where he is draped over a branch or two right in front and centre.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel would be smiling right now if he could.

He cant believe his luck

Now he is in the perfect spot to have some fun and a little bit of mischief.

 

The family cat wanders in and starts sniffing around the base of the tree.

The cranky Christmas decoration watches the cat and wills it to climb.

But the cat couldn’t be bothered with climbing it arches  its back and jumps

right on up.

 

The Christmas tree starts to sway as the cat wrestles among the branches

in a tangle of Christmas lights.

The cranky Christmas unwraps itself reaches down and flips the light

switch.

 

The cat screams like a banshee on heat and runs from the room destroying

everything in its path blowing smoke signals from its arse.

Now i am not a Native American so the smoke signals are hard to read

But i think it says something like ‘Holy  fucking shit’

 

Smokey the Cats fur now stands permanently on end and it will forever

have a surprised look on his face.

 

Smokey was last seen hitch hiking out town.

But i am sure that he will be back one day.

 

 

The cranky Christmas is hanging in the tree feeling mighty fine.

He looks to the kitchen table where the owner of the house is enjoying

a glass of eggnog.

She is the reason why he is so cranky.

How dare she leave him hanging all year like a forgotten sock.

And the last thing you want in your house is a cranky Christmas tinsel.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel senses movement from the corner of his eye.

And when he looks there is a black spider building a web in his fibres.

He used to be clean tucked away all tidy in a box.

But now he is green mean and mighty unclean.

 

He eyes that spider and an idea forms in his mind.

He contorts his body into the shape pf a slingshot and fires.

The spider tumbles through the air straight towards the kitchen table.

And lands with a plop right into that cup of eggnog.

 

The owner of the house is startled and when she looks down she is

surprised to see a spider doing the backstroke .

She loses control of her eggnog and it splashes between her ample cleavage.

Along with the spider.

 

I think her scream was heard from more than five miles away.

She ran around the house tearing off her clothes in a wild panic.

And naked she races into the backyard and dives into the pool.

 

The spider swims to the side and climbs out feeling rather pleased with

himself.

Than he walks back to the Christmas tree and his web on the cranky

Christmas tree.

 

After almost drowning the owner of the house retires to her room with

her two trusted companions.

A bottle of bourbon and a pack of cigarettes.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is as happy as Larry as he basks under the

Christmas lights.

He loves hanging front and centre surrounded by inferior decorations.

Than he is distracted by a noise coming from the fireplace.

And in a cloud of soot a big red arse emerges.

 

It is that old man with the white beard all the way from the North Pole.

He is carrying some weight and a great big sack.

First stop is the side table where he fills up on milk and cookies.

Than he goes to the Christmas tree takes the presents from his sack

and arranges them under the tree.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is watching Santa’s every move.

And when Santa bends over he cant help to notice that Santa’s pants

are riding low.

He is showing more crack than a freeway after an earthquake.

The cranky Christmas decides to have some fun.

He dangles down from the tree and tickles Santa’s crack.

 

Well Santa jumped higher than an Olympic pole vaulter .

And after he scraped himself from the ceiling he squeezed back up the

Chimney

And got the fuck out of there.

 

The next few days run smoothly.

The owner of the house has some family and friends over to help

celebrate the festive season.

She relaxes and enjoys life for a few days.

Than it is time to go back to work.

 

Two weeks later the owner of the house decides that it is time to pull

down the tree.

She fills box after box with all of her decorations and lights.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel is still hanging on the tree when the owner

of the house returns with another empty box.

She the cranky Christmas tinsel and bends down to place him into the

box.

But she is clumsy and drops the cranky Christmas tinsel and somehow

kicks it under the lounge.

 

The cranky Christmas tinsel cant fucking believe it.

He wanted to be packed away in hibernation for a year.

But instead here he is under the couch with dead cockroaches stray coins

and an assortment of crumbs.

 

But he isn’t too worried he is confident that the owner of the house will

notice and pack him away all safe and sound.

Than he feels a tug from behind.

He looks back and sees a pair of green eyes.

 

Smokey the cat is back from his road trip.

And he wants the cranky Christmas tinsel to pay.

He chews the cranky Christmas tinsel like he is a tasty chicken bone.

And he keeps on chewing until the cranky Christmas tinsel is no more.

 

A few days later smokey the cat walked up to the owner of the house.

And when she bent down to give him a pat he coughed and spluttered

and out came a nasty looking cranky Christmas tinsel fur ball.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Thanks for taking the time to read one of my stories and now if you could make a donation to help me reach my goal of becoming a fulltime writer. Thanks again Steven.