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Mucus Man

02 Sunday Jul 2017

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WARNING This story is gross it contains references to different bodily fluids

So if you are offended by bodily fluids don’t read this story.

You have been warned.

 

Nobody knows where he came from.

He just appeared one day.

People call him mucus man.

A huge mass of green in a somewhat human form.

Sticky to the touch and offensive to the nose

Mucus man isn’t your normal super hero.

But he still stands for goodness and doing the right thing for humanity.

 

It is 1986 in Los Angeles and the crime rate is on the rise.

Crack cocaine is the drug of choice.

And someone is murdered every two hours.

The police are rushed off their feet by the sheer numbers of people

committing crimes to feed their habit.

They desperately need hand to help clean up the streets.

 

Superman is at home in metropilis.

While batman is solving crimes over in  gotham city.

So L.A could really do with their own super hero right now.

Before the criminals completely take over the city.

Mucus man has arrived at the perfect time.

He is green and mean and a sight to be seen.

And he is here for your protection.

 

Slimy and smelly,mucus man will not be to everyone’s taste.

But he is here to help clean up the streets and give them back to the citizens.

And he will use any bodily fluid to reach that objective.

So if you commit a crime you better wear a raincoat.

Because if you don’t you will get slimed and taken down.

 

Mucus man is at home relaxing when his ears perk up.

Somewhere close by people are in distress and desperately need help.

So he jumps to his feet,or at least tries to.

You see mucus man is sticky.

So he peels himself off the couch and races outside.

 

As soon as he gets outside his snot filled nostrils smell smoke.

Nearby a building is on fire.

So he rolls himself into a huge mucus ball.

And goes to the rescue.

 

When he arrives at the scene mucus man is saddened to see a five storey

apartment block ablaze.

And from every window on the top floors people are hanging out trying to

escape the flames and smoke.

 

The firemen at the scene are trying their best to contain the fire.

But with low water pressure their hoses cant reach the top floors.

So mucus man spreads himself out into a giant green slimy safety

blanket.

The frantic trapped residents look down at the smelly snotty blanket.

And with little choice one by one they all jump.

 

They all land with a squish and a mouthful of green.

But at least they are all safe and sound.

So they wipe themselves down just happy to be alive.

They watch as mucus man transforms back into his human like form.

The survivors talk amongst themselves and they all ask the same question

‘Who was that man?’

 

Mucus man is on his way back home when his nostrils start to twitch.

There is trouble up ahead.

By the look of things a bank robbery is in progress.

Mucus man arrives just as the robbers exit the bank with guns drawn.

 

Shots are fired and mucus man is hit.

But he doesn’t go down.

His body is like a jello mould.

It wobbles on impact and absorbs the bullet.

 

The robbers scramble to their getaway car and try to flee.

Mucus man isn’t about to let that happen.

So he takes a deep breath holds a finger over  his left nostril and unleashes

a volley of snot.

It completely covers the getaway car and the robbers inside.

They are stuck fast with nowhere to go.

So they surrender without incident.

 

Mucus man is at home recuperating from his lose of fluids.

When once more he senses danger.

Someone is in trouble and needs his assisstance.

 

Mucus man sighs.

When you are a super hero you are always on call.

You are the ultimate public servant.

But mucus man doesn’t care.

He loves the attention and craves the action.

 

Mucus man finds himself in a dark dank alleyway.

He creeps forward trying to find the source of distress.

Then he notices a body behind a dumpster.

 

When he gets closer he notices a pool of blood.

The man on the ground has been stabbed and is bleeding out fast.

Mucus man places his hand over the wound and seals it with his antiseptic

mucus.

 

The man recovers enough to tell mucus man that he is a crack addict.

He points to a nearby doorway and says that he bought some crack from

the dealers inside.

But instead of giving him crack they stabbed him and took his money.

 

Mucus man walks up to the door and listens.

His ears pick up ten different voices coming from inside.

He liquifies his body and flows beneath the door.

 

Once inside he quickly transforms back into his human form and says

‘Everybody stop what you are doing and stand up with your hands on top of

your heads’

The ten crack dealers are surprised by the voice and the leader asks’ Where did

you come from you green motherfucker?’

Then the room explodes into action.

 

The dealers confront mucus man with an assortment of guns and knives.

Mucus man is hit by over twenty rounds but once again his body absorbs

the impact.

He shots out his mucus covered tongue like a chameleon .

And the twenty foot long appendage strikes over and over capturing the weapons

from the dealers hands.

The recoils his tongue and swallows every weapon down whole.

Once again mucus man has saved the day.

 

On the other side of the city a deranged madman has taken over a train

heading towards LA central.

He has packed the loco with explosives.

And if his demands aren’t met he will not only destroy the station but half of L.A.

 

The authorities have been told to deposit 5 million dollars into an account on the

cayman islands by midnight.

If they don’t he will blow up the train along with its 500 passengers.

 

Mucus man is in his element.

His plan is to spray the train with mucus and run it off the tracks between

stations.

If he can spray enough snot over the explosives he will render them useless.

 

Mucus man is in position three stops from LA central.

And the train is hurtling close.

Mucus man knows that he will need both nostrils for this job.

So he aims at the track just in front of the train.

And fires.

 

But ll that comes out is a dribble.

Mucus man has run dry.

And he is the last line of defence.

Los Angeles is depending on him

What will he do?

 

Mucus man is pissed off.

He knows that there is no one else to save the city.

So he does what he has always done in times of stress.

He drops his pants and starts to stroke his long slimy doodle.

Faster and faster he strokes himself working up a big nut.

 

The train is now only five yards from LA central.

And closing in fast.

Mucus man is still busy working up a lather.

He knows that if he doesn’t pull this off.

Than Los Angeles will be blown to smithereens.

 

So he concentrates and his right hand becomes a blur.

It is now too late to aim for the track.

All he can do now is aim for the explosives.

And hope for the best.

 

Mucus man is really going for it.

He is getting mighty close to a huge eruption.

He closes his eyes calls out to jesus.

And lets loose 200 gallons of white hot jizz.

 

Mucus man’s knees are wobbly but his aim is true.

The train and the explosives are both engulfed by the stream of super hero

cum.

A tidal wave of cock snot has just saved Los Angeles.

 

Mucus man is given the keys to the city.

His chest swells with pride as he shakes the mayors hand.

The mayor quickly wipes his hand on his trousers.

Because he knows that mucus man has just done the dirty deed.

 

Once again mucus man has saved the day.

He is always in the right place at the right time.

You can always rely on the mucus man

Just wear a glove if you ever have to shake his hand.

 

 

THE END.

 

Mr Tornado Man

07 Friday Oct 2016

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I cant believe how hot it is.

My skin is stuck to the leather seats in my 65 Buick.

I am sweating buckets all i want to do is get home and sit in front

of the air con

I wind down the window to try and catch a breeze.

The eagles are playing on the radio but they dont put my mind at ease.

 

Big black clouds are rolling in full of rain and destruction

It is storm season in Wichita  the city of my birth.

I have lived in the tornado belt my whole life.

So i know the damage and heartache that they bring.

My stomach sinks and my heart fills with sorrow.

I say a little prayer and hope that i see tomorrow.

 

Over the years my town has been demolished a time or two.

Tornado’s push people to the limit till they reach the edge.

So i race home as fast as i can to try and get my family to safety.

But there is one huge road block.

In the shape of one huge motherfucking tornado.

It is easily two miles across and blocks the horizon.

This tornado is as black as the blackest souls in hell.

I push the pedal to the metal with a banshee yell.

 

As i race down the road dodging flying road signs and debris

I know that i have made one huge mistake.

How did i think that i could outrun a freaking tornado?

There is now not a chance in hell of reaching my house in time

I can only hope that my wife and kids have made to the underground

shelter.

The windmill in my head is going all helter  skelter.

 

The tornado hits me like a ton of bricks

My car is airborne and the sound is like a hundred freight trains

Or a thousand waterfalls.

I grip the steering wheel as tight as i can.

As i get tossed around like a sock in a washing machine.

My eyes are closed so maybe i am only dreaming?

But when i open them i am not laying in bed.

I am in an eye of a tornado instead.

 

I am spinning so fast i almost black out and i really wish that

i did.

I spin even faster like an out of control flight simulator.

My brain has reached it’s limit and is about to crash.

Than i am free falling when i am spat out of the twister.

Spat out like a regurgitated piece of meat.

Will i land turned around and upside down?

Or on my white walled set of wheels?

 

 

Luckily i land in the middle of a lake like a jettisoned  space

shuttle.

But than i get this sinking feeling my car is going down fast.

About twenty feet down i hit rock bottom with a thud.

 

The windows are all up so no water enters immediately.

But i know that i have to get out of here fast.

I push against the glass but it wont budge

The doors are all sealed shut from the water pressure.

Now i really start to panic as my air starts to run out.

So this is how i come to the end of my life?

I close my eyes and say goodbye to my kids and lovely wife.

 

I put my hand up against the car window

And take my last look at the outside world.

And make one last wish.

Than my hand turns into a fist and starts to spin.

My whole arm is spinning like a pneumatic drill.

The window shatters and i start to rise like Phenonix or Neptune

But without a trident or a staff.

But i know one thing right now i could really use a canoe or a raft

 

When i hit the surface i an still 500 yards from the shore

Swimming isn’t one of my strong suits

But i really have no choice in the matter

So i start to swim freestyle towards the bank.

I wish that my legs would give me a better kick.

And than they do.

My legs start to spin like twin outboard motors

And they take me to my objective.

But i am going way too fast and will surely crash into the sand

 

But i dont crash.

Because at the last second my legs stop spinning.

And i glide right up onto the shore.

I stand up on solid ground it sure feels good to be back on terra

firma.

But what is the go with my limbs spinning like crazy?

Is it a symptom from being inside a tornado?

Will the weird side affects all go away?

Or are they here to stay?

 

Well there is only one way to find out

So i hold out my arms and tell them to spin

And they do.

My legs spin at the same command.

Am i now part human or some sort of tornado machine?

Even though i might look the same i am no longer me.

Maybe God has a master plan.

I look to the sky and christen myself Mr tornado man.

 

So am i now a superhero?

Am i supposed to save damsels in distress?

Could i jump a building in a single bound?

Or scale a wall like spiderman?

I hope i dont have to wear a costume with a long cape

Or heaven forbid a pair of bright green tights.

I want to help the public not scare them out of their wits.

Maybe i should just go back to what i was before

A scared nobody with a face full of zits.

 

But it is too late to back down now.

I am now an apprentice superhero.

So i should start to act like one.

My arms and legs start to twitch they are ready for some action.

But my nerves start to get the best of me.

Do superhero’s have a union or workers compensation?

Is it good or bad to be a new sensation?

 

I stand there adjusting my imaginary set of tights.

Then i remember that my family could be buried under a pile

of rubble.

Everybody in Wichita could really do with some help.

Am i up for it?

I take a deep breath and puff out my chest like a superhero should.

Deep down i know that i am ready for the fight.

I will do the best that i can.

The people of Kansas can rely on Mr tornado man.

 

My inbuilt GPS system tells me that that my home town is 100

miles to the west.

As soon as i think that thought my body starts to spin and gyrate

I spin like that Tasmanian devil in that old cartoon.

I just hope that i don’t end up in my own loony tune.

 

 

 

I am travelling so fast i turn the road into a liquid

And i reach Wichita in record time.

I cant find my home in all the piles of misery.

I go from house to house with my limbs digging trying to find

any survivors.

But i dont find anybody

My first assignment has ended in a total lack of success.

I will try harder next time God bless.

 

I am supposed to be a superhero

But i failed the acid test.

Maybe i need an offsider or live in a bat cave?

Or i should have worn those shiny green tights?

But would it have made a difference?

But dont forget that i am an apprentice  superhero

I am still learning the ropes.

Next time i will have a better plan.

And be a new improved Mr Tornado Man

 

Than i hear a sound in the rubble.

Condom Man

04 Friday Dec 2015

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There is a new Superhero in your neighbourhood

He stands for everything that is pure and good

So if you are in need of a protection plan

You cant go past the Condom Man

He is sleek and rubbery

Ideal for any circumstance

So if you are getting hot and bothered don’t take

the chance

The Condom Man will get you out of trouble

So give him a call on the double

He might be thin and pliable

But the Condom Man will never break

So if you are ever in a dicey situation

Give him a call for goodness sake

The Condom Man gets around in the Prophylactic

Machine

It is shiny and Black a sight to be seen

All lubed up with White wall tyres

Condom Man will ruin the drug dealers

And save all the drug buyers

Condom Man started off by placing an ad in the Yellow

pages

He is full if Testosterone and rages

He wants to save the world one crime at a time

He will rid the streets of all the vermin and grime

At the start the phone didn’t exactly ring off the hook

He couldn’t catch a cold let alone a crook

Then the phone rang some trouble with the local kids

He answers the phone and puts in a bid

He gets the job and drives to the scene

In his latex suit

He looks like a little White Submarine

The Condom Man will enter any crack or hole

Like a Soul destroying heat seeking Mole

He will flush out the culprits and give them a good

dressing down

Like a demented Ronald Macdonald Clown

Well the Kids are all scared out of there wits

Some of them aren’t even old enough to have any zits

But as soon as they see the white tubed wonder from

Down Under

They all do a Men At Work and start to chunder

The Condom Man is glad that he was able to help the

Kids to the straight and narrow

Some of them were so scared he froze their Bone Marrow

The people from the local Neighbourhood Watch are

glowing

The Condom Man is also proud his juices are flowing

But they are all contained in the Glove of Love and desire

The Condom Mans spirits are soaring higher and higher

The Condom Mans first assignment was a complete success

He polished his Cape and passed the test

Batman and Spiderman are both looking over their shoulders

At this new Superhero with a huge set of boulders

But one job doesn’t make a career

Where does the Condom Man go from here?

The phone rings again a Teenager has fallen Twenty Metres

down a Cliff

The Condom Man  has gone from buff to biff

Or is it biff to buff/

Who gives a fuck the Condom Man is mighty tough

The Condom Man arrives at the scene in the Prophylactic Machine

He is nervous and kind of edgy

He feels like Spiderman has snuck up behind him and given him

an Atomic wedgy

But the Condom Man soon regains his cool and composure

He has to reach the Teen before he dies from exposure

So he deflates himself and slides on down nice and easy

Just like a Baby Squid easy peasy

The Teenager starts to hyperventilate

So the Condom Man starts to reinflate

And the Teenager rises like he has been reincarnated

Back from the dead recreated

As he reaches the top the Paramedics are on standby

The Teen is okay he doesn’t even cry

They do a quick check and then send him on his way

The Condom Man has arrived and he is here to stay

Nobody knows who the Condom Man really is

Nobody knows his name

He is the modern day Clark Kent

Nobody knows where he came from

Nobody knows where he has been

He isn’t Batman

So he doesn’t live in a Cave

He isn’t Superman

So he isn’t afraid of Kryptonite

He is the Condom Man

Ready to fight the fight anytime day or night

He lives beneath the Socks in the Bedroom Dresser

drawer

Sometimes when he is used he is thrown all messed up

to the bedroom floor

But there will always be a Condom Man

They come in a pack of Ten

Regular large or ribbed the Condom Man comes in all sizes

And the Condom Man is reliable so there will be no nasty surprises

The Condom Man has got you covered in more ways then you know

He is looking out for you wherever you may go

The Condom Man is your number one protection plan

He is your own personal Superhero

So now your worries are now down to zero

The Condom Man is there for you when you go to bed

So give him a go and cover your little Head

Fly Like A Beagle

08 Sunday Feb 2015

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Sally Jo was playing in her backyard

With her mother Tracey watching her.

Sally Jo knew that if she was a good girl

a new pet Dog was on the card’s.

So early on Saturday morning,Tracey drove Sally

Jo to the Dog pound.

Sally Jo was all excited,jumping up and down.

Hopefully they can find a likely looking hound.

Straight away Sally Jo saw the Dog that she wanted

It had a white spot on it’s forehead.

The Dog that she had spotted was a Beagle

Who was even more excited than Sally Jo.

Sally Jo sat on the ground,and the Beagle ran over

and licked her on the face.

Sally Jo knew that this was the Dog for her,and said

to her Mum ‘This is the one,let’s go’

The Beagle also saw the connection,and thought ‘What

are we waiting for,let’s go to your place.’

So Sally Jo and the Beagle finally arrive back at her house.

Sally Jo know’s that she has to give her new Dog a name.

The Beagle is kind and gentle,who wouldn’t hurt a fly,or

a mouse.

A name comes to Sally Jo,the name of her Grandaddy who

had passed over.

The name is Eddie.

It is way better then those common name’s like Prince or

Rover.

So Eddie it is.

Eddie settle’s in well,he has Sally Jo wrapped around his

little finger,or paw.

He is well fed,and has a bath every third day

Eddie love’s his new home,with a flap on the door.

Eddie hope’s that this time he can stay.

A few day’s later Sally Jo is playing in the sand pit.

Eddie is yapping and is trying to pull clothe’s off the

line.

Sally Jo is hoping that Eddie would quieten down a bit.

Eddie couldn’t care less,he is feeling mighty fine.

Eddie gave a sharp tug on a red beach towel.

It come’s loose and land’s on his neck.

A strange thing is happening,and Eddie let’s out a

howl.

The towel attaché’s it self to Eddie,and he is thinking

‘What the heck’

Eddie slowly stand’s upright,the towel is hanging like

a cape.

An SD appear’s on his chest,which stand’s for Super Dog.

Sally Jo stand’s there her mouth agape.

She falls to the ground,and slip’s into the fog.

Eddie looks around him,and he know’s that he is

now a superhero.

He lift’s up his hind leg’s and take’s to the sky.

He is airborne,and he wag’s his tail goodbye.

He doesn’t know where he is going.

Maybe he will look for a damsel in distress.

He is flying like a Eagle

No,make that a Beagle.

He soar’s above the Earth

his red cape in his slipstream.

Is he really flying

Or is it all just a dream.

Just then the Super Dog logo on his chest

start’s to flash and chime.

Super Dog has a job to do

And that job is to fight crime.

As he get’s lower to the ground,he see’s a couple

of shady character’s

down the end of a lane.

A third person is on the ground.in a whole lot of pain.

A bullet hole in his chest,leaking a lot of blood.

Some one better stop the leaking,before it turn’s into

a flood.

That someone is Super Dog.

He land’s between suspect one and suspect two.

And before they know it,he bang’s their head’s together.

And that is the end of Bill and Trevor.

He place’s his paw on the man on the floor.

And the bleeding immediately stop’s.

He hear’s a siren in the distance,and know’s that

someone has called the cop’s.

He doesn’t want to be seen.

Who would believe seeing a Dog in a cape.

Again his SD logo start’s to flash a signal

And by the sound of thing’s it look’s like a rape.

With his Super Dog power’s,he has a heightened

sense of touch,sight and smell.

Somewhere nearby a girl is going through hell.

With his nose leading the way,he fly’s to the scene

of the attack.

He come’s upon the perp

dressed all in black.

Super Dog reaches into his pocket and grab’s a

week old bone.

Sitting next to his lead and mobile phone.

He cock’s his arm and throw’s the bone like a

boomerang.

I guess that it is all over,

Cause the fat lady just sang

The victim is with the paramedic’s

The perp is with the cop’s.

Super Dog make’s good his escape

with a jump kick and a hop.

Super Dog has got an itch that need’s scratching.

And not only because of flea’s.

He just want’s to bring about justice.

And put the bad guy’s on their knee’s.

Once again his chest logo goes off,loud.

Burning a hole in his soul.

Somewhere nearby a little kid,is in a well

dug hole.

A cruel little man is holding the kid for ransom.

He has been in trouble all his life.

But the girl’s think that he is handsome.

He want’s one million dollar’s,and he want’s it by

five.

Or little Joey Pringle,will no longer be alive.

The Police are scrouring the area,knocking on door’s

and asking a lot of question’s.

They know that a lot of little kid’s go missing,too many

to mention.

They are getting desperate.

They are running out of time.

Their only hope is that the good Samaritan,who has been

helping them,can find the scene of the crime.

What they don’t know,is that their helper is souped up,

super sensed canine.

Once again Super Dog,takes to the skie’s.

Smelling for a scent,listening for a little boy’s cries

He comes across a farmhouse.on the outskirt’s of

town.

He thought he smelt something,thought he heard

a sound.

He sit’s down,put’s his left paw on the grass.

And then looks to the heaven’s for help.

Then he get’s all excited,and let’s out a little yelp.

Twenty feet away,and two feet underground.

A little boy lays in a box.

Super Dog run’s over,and start’s to dig like a demented

Fox.

A few second’s later,Joey is finally breathing fresh air.

He look’s up and see’s a Dog with a flashing symbol on

its chest.

But Joey doesn’t care,he just want’s to see his Mummy

and have a little rest.

Super Dog is exhausted.

Fighting crime,takes more out of you ,then you think.

He just wants to go home to his dinner,and have a drink.

He locates his home,and land’s not that far away.

He doesn’t want Sally Jo to see him as a Super Dog.

He is just Eddie the well loved stray.

Sally Jo see’s him coming,and let’s out a cry of surprise.

Eddie is crying also,he can feel is heartbeat rise.

Sally Jo and Eddie are reunited in the middle of the street.

Sally Jo gives him a cuddle,and his favourite treat.

Eddie drags the red cape,and puts in the back of his kennel.

Where Tracey grows Tomatoes and Fennel.

The logo on his chest is no longer visible

It has gone to silent mode.

Eddie is in his backyard,running around

barking and yapping.

Sally Jo is jumping up and down laughing and

clapping.

But Eddie knows that the happiness want last.

Sooner or later,he will catch up with his past.

Super Dog will reappear

And once again he will fight crime.

And deal with all the legal Eagles.

There is one thing that he loves to do

And that is,to

Fly like a Beagle.