In the first installment of this adventure I introduced you to Bernie Torrence a 35 year old retail manager from Sacramento California who had been experiencing severe stomach pain for a week.
Almost collapsing one morning while preparing to go to work all Bernie could do was stagger back to back where he hoped that the good lord would come down and carry him away.
Around lunchtime Bernie watched in horror as his stomach distended and began to swell like an over ripe watermelon and from his belly button emerged a tiny human figure ‘Hello my name is Audley Creed are you my mommy?’
Still recovering from giving birth Bernie can barely manage a whisper in reply ‘I suppose I am your mommy Audley but I am also your daddy as well’
With a squelch the rest of Audley’s body enters the world still joined to his mommy/daddy by an umbilical.
All Bernie can do is stare at the ugliest baby ever known and soon Audley will turn into the goiter from hell.
In the first few days of their acquaintance Bernie and Audley fight abd bicker over anything and everything but they both agree that Bernie is in no fit condition to return to work as the manager of the local supermarket
Bills need to be paid and now there is another mouth to feed so with no other options Bernie proposes that they appear on ‘Australia’s Got Talent’
with Audley pretending to be a ventriloquist’s dummy.
Audley isn’t keen on the idea but with no alternative he reluctantly agrees.
After a week of rehearsals they appear on the talent show and to their complete astonishment they win the audition but Audley isn’t happy with their stage name and wants it changed from ‘Torrence & Creed’ to ‘Creed & Friend’
Bernie cant believe how ungrateful the little turd is so he decides to have a few drinks to drown his sorrows and there is an upside to his alcohol intake and that is that the beer flows through his system along the umbilical cord causing Audley to become violently sick and sorry.
But not sorry enough apparently.
When Bernie fell asleep Audley chewed his way through the cord binding the two together than he wrapped the bloody appendage around Bernie’s throat in an attempt to strangle him.
Waking in fright Bernie fought for his life and managed to grab a pair of nail clippers and stab the little monster in his right eye.
Holding a hand over his face Audley flees the scene and disappears into the night.
Bernie breath’s a sigh of relief as he watches his offspring run, now hopefully now his life will return to some sort of normality.
Audley stumbles along a backstreet knowing that if he doesn’t get his facial injury seen to quickly he will more than likely bleed to death before sunrise.
But luckily for him a passing paramedic notices his predicament and pulls over to offer some assistance
The two paramedics are stunned at the extent of the injury and all they can do is remove the damaged organ and apply a bandage until they transport the patient to hospital.
Audley knows that he cant let his two saviours take him to hospital where surely the cops will be summons and they would ask a lot of questions about how did he manage to be stabbed in the eye.
But being only two foot tall Audley knows that he will need help if he is get away from the paramedics.
And without an ounce of regret he calls on an inner demon and in a puff of smoke his maker the devil appears reducing his sons enemies to nothing but two piles of cinders and bone.
Bernie still cant believe that the boy that he brought into this world is just an evil motherfucker who tried to throttle him with his own umbilical cord.
When Audley fled after failing in his attempt to kill his parent he ripped the umbilical cord from Bernie’s body.
Bleeding profusely Bernie knows that he is in mortal danger so he to calls upon an inner strength.
‘God as you know I am not a believer but if you do exist can you please heal my wounds so that I can find Audley Creed and beat the shit out of him and bring him to justice before he can harm anyone else.
( As he whispered his prayer Bernie had no way of knowing that Audley with some help from the dark side has already committed the ultimate sin twice )
‘And God if you really really do exist can you please deposit $ 1 million into my bank account to pay for my funereal if you cant find in your heart to save me ‘
‘But if I do survive I promise to spend the money on my quest to track down Creed and a little on beer hookers and sundry expenses etc etc etc.
Thank you Jesus thank you Lord.
Audley Creed is almost back to his old self after the Devil held his hot trident to his eye suturing the cavity closed.
Losing an eye is a inconvenience but it is a small price to pay to be able to follow his father into the darkness.
Being the Devil’s spawn gives him a huge advantage in ensuring that all goodness and well being is destroyed forever so now the bad men in the black hats will bring pestilence and corruption for eternity.
Bernie wakes from a deep sleep with a slight headache and a full bladder.
As he stands before the throne is surprised that he doesn’t feel any more pain from his injured stomach and when he lifts his shirt he is surprised to discover that the massive wound is healed ,there isn’t even a scar.
Thank you Jesus thank you lord.
Feeling the best he has in years Bernie goes into town to celebrate the second he has been given at life but first he has to visit the bank to check if a second miracle has befallen him.
After standing in a queue for 20 minutes Bernie asks the teller if she could check the balance of his account when she tells him that currently he has $1,000,527 available.
‘Oh my God Bernie did you win the lottery or something’
Bernie has no words all he can do is sit down before he falls down.
After running a few errands Bernie still cant believe that he has over $1 million in the bank.
If God is willing to give him a shitload of money maybe he could ask for a fridge full of beer that never runs out or free flights to anywhere for the rest of his life.
He is still smiling as he pulls into his driveway when his phone pings alerting him that he has a new message.
The message is from a PRIVATE NUMBER and Bernie wouldn’t normally reply to a message from anyone hiding behind their device but this time he relents ‘Hello Bernie God here ,don’t push your luck because what I giveth I can easily take back’
“To earn your money Bernie you need to find Audley Creed and destroy his evil soul because he has just teamed up with the Devil and together those two could threaten the very existence of mankind’
‘Kill the fucker Bernie kill him dead Yours Truly God’
The message instantly disappears from the screen leaving Bernie to wonder whether having $ 1 million is really worth the hassle.
500 miles away Audley is wandering the streets of San Diego seeking food and a place to rest for the night.
He now sports a black patch over the ruined eye and every now and then he will rub the spot where his eye used to be and when he rubs Audley thinks about Bernie Torrence the man who gave birth to him and how good it will feel to slowly torture the cunt then send him on a one way ticket to hell where he will meet his original father ,the Devil.
As he saunters along he pretends not to notice the looks strangers give him as they pass by him.
It isn’t easy being two foot tall with an eye patch with a shock of orange hair.
If only the fuckers knew that with only a whisper he could have them all burnt to a crisp.
When he gets close to Jefferson Park he notices a huge big top tent set up.
The circus must be in town.
A dozen or so people have formed a line to buy tickets and Audley attempts to pass unnoticed but no such luck’Hey freak where are you going? You should join the circus because you would fit right in’
Audley eyes the creep with eyes of fire ( I should say eye of fire ) and the mouth seeing the danger in the little freaks features backs away.
Audley could easily call his father to burn the fucker but he doesn’t want to attract too much attention to himself before the Devil can end existence as we know it.
The owner of the circus a huge bear of a man who closely resembles the serial killer Ed Kemper eyes Audley suspiciously as he approaches.
Lowell Payne is not only obese but he is meaner than a wolverine and he doesn’t take kindly to trespassers ‘Hey asshole where in the fuck do you think you are going? This is private property so go back and stand in line like everybody else’
Audley looks up at the giant feeling a little like Jack in the beanstalk ‘I don’t want to buy a ticket you dumb chunk of shit. I need a place to stay for a while so shut the fuck up and give me a job and stop wasting my time’
Lowell is about to squash the potty mouthed tom thumb like a bug but he has to admit that the one eyed midget has a lot of spunk plus he is the perfect size to get shot from a cannon ‘Okay Tom I hope you have a head for heights and like the smell of gunpowder’
Today must be your lucky day because it just happens that there is a current vacancy so be here at 7 o’clock sharp tomorrow morning and don’t be late’
‘My name is Audley Creed asswipe and don’t you forget it’
‘I have nowhere else to go so I will start immediately ,now show me where I can bunk down for the night and make it snappy’
For once in his life Lowell Payne is lost for words and he glumly leads Audley to a bunch of trailers out the back.
As he follows his new boss Audley rubs the patch over his right eye with one hand while his other hand gingerly touches a pair of nodules breaking through the skin on both sides of his head.
Audley’s horns are making an appearance.
At home Bernie is perched on the edge of his seat demolishing a can of Millers Lite as he ponders the best way to locate Creed without earning the wrath of the Devil and the hell of horrors.
God has graciously given him a lot of cash and hopefully he can catch Creed without spending too much of the heavenly money.
But all that can wait until tomorrow because right now he has plans to sink a few more beers and watch some porn on the XXX channel.
Hopefully God will have his back turned and his hands out of his pockets.
Not quite in the mood just yet Bernie channel surfs and soon comes across a documentary on CBN about the plight of millions of refugees and misplaced people the world over who had to flee their homes to escape poverty and government corruption.
Transfixed Bernie forgets all about pleasuring himself watching porn and his beer is now flat and unappealing.
He vows then and there to help his fellow human beings even if it means spending every cent of God’s kind donation.
Bernie’s phone once again pings and PRIVATE NUMBER lights up the screen and this time Bernie answers immediately ‘Hello Bernie good to see that you are going to help the people because I cant do it all by myself’
Bernie you will need to use your generous heart to destroy Audley Creed because if you try to fight fire with fire you will lose and than the Devil and his one eyed apprentice will drag you down to hell where you will burn and smoulder for damnation’
Before Bernie can get a word in the message again deletes automatically and once more the born again Christian ponders whether having a lot of money is worth getting roasted alive down in the Devils basement.
He will to remember to go to the drug store and buy some super doper sunburn cream.
At the circus Audley is making a lot of new friends even though he knows that soon they will all be burning a slow burn.
He is rooming with lobster boy who has claws instead of hands plus rubber man who would win the game twister every single time.
Every day he has lunch with his room mates ,the bearded lady and a few of the clowns who all help him adjust to circus life under the big top.
Getting shot out of a cannon three times a day takes a lot of getting used to especially the hot wick burning his butt and the safety net could be a tad wider.
Audley no longer rubs his eye patch even though the still holds a hate for Bernie Torrence.
He now rubs the two horns that recently sprouted on his head.
Like father like son.
Bernie is now a fully fledged man of God and now he walks the street in a long white gown and has let his hair grow’
The only disappointment is his scraggly beard that wouldn’t look out of place on a pimply faced teenager.
He bought himself a bible from a secondhand store and reads the scriptures to anyone who will listen and next week Bernie will celebrate the opening of a new soup kitchen.
Audley along with two pointy horns now has an itch above his butt crack where a tail is beginning to form plus his skin is now a deep red colour.
He is now officially a little Devil.
And his new appearance hasn’t gone unnoticed Lowell Payne who is keen to cash in because when it comes to the circus there is no such thing as too many freaks.
Audley is due at the office to pick up his pay check and when he does Lowell will tell him days of getting shot from a cannon are over because now is will be the circus’s new star attraction Lil’ Lucifer.
Lowell is busy calculating how much money his new freak will bring to the circus when the horned one enters his office.
Audley takes a seat and listens as his boss tells him about his new role but as Lowell talks his balls do a somersault in their sac when he comes to realise that Audley is actually a readers digest condensed version of the prince of darkness a real life Devil with horns a tail red skin and a temper to match.
Realizing the danger that he is in Lowell attempts to flee but the one eyed mini lucifer is having none of that and he rubs his hands together furiously causing sparks to fly around the room disorientating the scared circus owner.
Then Audley swings his newly formed tail and the barbs on the end sink into Lowell’s rotund belly who falls to the ground sirloined and purloined.
Lowell Payne is now nothing more than fresh kibble.
The Devil is watching his protégé on CCTV live from his over heated basement with pride burning his black heart.
His demon seed is progressing well and if all goes as planned planet earth will become a wasteland.
Satisfied that Lowell has been burnt to a crisp Audley gathers up his tail and runs outside where he shoots more sparks into the big top and into his co- workers trailers.
Then he stands back and watches as flames ignite spreading quickly devouring the tent and trailers and all persons within.
All up that night 280 people lost their lives as evil tries to take control from the good and steal the souls from the living.
Bernie Torrence is busy in his kitchen serving up the soup of the day and as he ladles out another bowl of chicken noodle soup to one of his regulars his eyes steal a glance ata small TV attached to a wall.
His eyes widen in alarm and recognition as he listens to a news report from San Diego.
He becomes increasingly worried as the reporter ,Penny Waffleon gushes ‘News just coming in from San Diego ,a fire has burnt down the big top and surrounding trailers of a visiting circus killing all 230 patrons and circus workers’
‘Even more disturbing is that the police believe that the fire was deliberately lit with an eye witness telling them that he saw a person of a small stature fleeing the scene.’
‘The suspect is described as being only two feet tall with a patch over his right eye and I know this will sound strange but he perpetrator is said to has horns and a long tail’
Now over to Dan Druff with the weather ,Dan’
Bernie tells his cook to take over and he rushes out to his car and begins the two hour drive to San Diego.
As he drives Bernie half expects God to ring with instructions on how to stop a sunburnt midget from starting complete mayhem.
When he reaches his destination Bernie still hasn’t heard a peep from his maker but he isn’t that concerned because he can feel God’s presence all around him.
The area around the crime scene is taped off with homicide detectives scanning the surrounds looking for clues but unfortunately there is no sign of Audley Creed.
50 metres away Audley smiles when he sees his Bernie over near the police containment line.
He has taken refuge behind a dumpster having been unable to escape and so far he has managed to stay hidden from the cops.
Now with his birth father unknowingly coming to his rescue Audley knows exactly what he needs to do.
Unseen he sidles up beside his dad and grabs hold of his hand.
Bernie almost died there and then when he looked down and saw who was holding his hand immediately he tried to break free but Audley was holding him in a vice like grip, ‘Why you little Devil you are even more evil than I ever imagined and you are definitely no son of mine so just give up and accept your punishment’
Before Bernie can alert the police he falls to his knees in intense pain and to his astonishment his belly button from where he gave birth to Audley opens up and the evil little fucker crawls inside like a joey kangaroo returning to the pouch.
The genie is back in the bottle.
The Devil is disappointed that his protégé couldn’t achieve his objective this time because he has been waiting for eons to bring darkness to mankind so a few more months shouldn’t make much difference.
Up amongst the clouds God is relieved that the ultimate fight has been put on hold for a while and he is still confident that Bernie want let him down.
Plus if he needs to step in and perform a miracle or two to help save humanity than he will.
PART THREE is coming soon so keep an eye out.