Stories After Midnight

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I am running out of money at a rate of knots so I really need to get off my arse and get myself a job.

The bills are piling up and two are way overdue.

But first things first I am also running out of reading material plus I need to return a few books because the last thing I need is for the library police to get on my case.

So I grab my wallet and keys and head out the door.

 

I park my old rust bucket outside my local library and walk into my favourite place on earth.

I could happily wander the aisles for hours taking in the smell of thousands and thousands of books.

But today I am in a hurry so I throw my returns down the chute and walk over to the horror section.

The master of the genre Stephen King has a new novel out and I have been dying to get my hands on a copy for weeks.

So I am pleased to see ‘The Outsider’ sitting on the shelf waiting for me.

I grab it fast before someone beats me to it and make my way to the counter.

But I stop at the community noticeboard first because just maybe my new job is waiting for me as well.

 

But the board is full of notes about missing cats and dogs and different items for sale but then I notice a business card down in the left hand corner.

‘Are you handy on the tools and love to read? Because I have the perfect job for you.

Call Apex Industries today to start an exciting new chapter in your life’

Well of course I love to read but I am about as handy as tits on a bull so I put the card back and head home.

Tomorrow I will go to Centrelink and get myself a job.

 

Once at home I make myself a ham and cheese sandwich and settle down to read the kings latest classic.

Stephen King is known for his huge tomes and ‘The Outsider is no different.

It is as thick as a house brick and just as heavy.

I am soon lost in the story but when I reach page 219 I am surprised to see a business card marking the page.

And I nearly piss my pants when I see that it is the same business card I read at the library.

‘Well this is a bit creepy’ But then I laugh to myself ,obviously there must be more then one card in circulation it is just a coincidence that’s all.

But I still have a funny feeling deep down in my gut.

 

I put the business card on the coffee table and continue my reading until once again my concentration is broken ,this time by my mobile starts to chime.

The screen says PRIVATE NUMBER and I don’t usually answer private callers but maybe it is lotto ringing to tell me that I have won $ 10 million so I answer.

‘Hello am I speaking to Mr Warren Bigelow? ‘Um yes that that’s me’

‘Hi Warren my name is Daphne Pincombe and I am the owner of Apex Industries’

‘I was expecting a call from you today but you must have forgotten ,are you still interested in the position?’

 

I am dumbstruck and lost for words ‘Sorry but I didn’t apply for the position because I am not very handy even though I am a very good reader’

‘That doesn’t matter Warren the tools are very rarely used but I am positive that you are the perfect person to fill the position so can you start tonight say just before midnight?’

‘Um don’t I need to be interviewed first and maybe pass a medical?’

‘Oh no Warren that wont be necessary I know that you are just what I am looking for ,so can I expect you tonight?

And even though my stomach is doing backflips and I mind is in turmoil I find myself answering ‘Of course Mrs Pincombe I will be there’

 

‘What in the fuck just happened? Do I really have a new job?

But than my brain starts to do its job. How did the lady from Apex know my phone number? And how did she know that I had even read the business card?

But I push those thoughts to a small compartment in the back of my mind because I really do need to start earning some money.

So I pick up the business card again and I am pleased to see that Apex Industries are located only a few kilometres away at 219 Riverside Drive Reversby .

 

I am to charged up to sleep so I read for a few hours more have a shower and put on my best clothes then I jump into my car and drive off to start a new career.

And when I arrive at Apex Industries ten minutes later a little old lady is there to greet me Hello Warren I am Daphne and I am pleased to welcome you to Apex Industries’

‘It a very small company in fact you will be my only employee’

We shake hands and I follow my new boss into her office.

 

Mrs Pincombe is about seventy years old with grey hair very steady on her feet and she looks a lot like my own grandmother so I begin to relax.

”I am sorry for the late start Warren but I have found that a lot of my clients respond better to the readings when they are either asleep or when their minds are less active’

‘I have hired you Warren because you have a special talent that you are totally unaware of plus alas I am not getting any younger and I am starting to lose my ability to connect with the clients like I used to so I new a new pupil’

‘So Warren I need you to travel with me every night and heal our clients by the power of the voice and of the touch so that we may heal some damaged minds and souls’

But I warn you Warren that not all minds and souls can be saved some because they are beyond our reach or their minds are pure evil and then Warren I will ask you to end a life before they can do anymore harm to innocent people’

‘So Warren do you want to become my apprentice with the view of one day carrying on my work into the future once my time has come?

 

My head is spinning ,Mrs Pincombe just told me that I am to end a life if the need arises and what is this special talent that I supposedly possess?

So once again I find myself accepting her offer of employment and after signing a few documents I am ready to help Mrs Pincombe in any way that I can.

She smiles with gratitude ‘Thank you Warren you will never regret working for Apex Industries and that is a promise’

She hands me the keys to a shiny white transit van and we drive off into the night.

 

‘Okay Warren head towards Reversby hospital because we have an urgent case to attend to.

A patient there has been in a coma since falling off a horse ten years ago when she was ten years old but the doctors have informed her family that her condition is deteriorating fast so this will be your only chance to save her life’

‘I am sorry to throw you into the deep end Warren but there is no choice in the matter because if we cant save Rachel the world will be a lot worse off because Rachel was destined to become a leading scientist in finding a cure for cancer’

 

We arrive at the hospital and Mrs Pincombe opens the rear doors and I am astonished to find it for of books and magazine plus a small toolbox.

Mrs Pincombe noticing my looks laughs ‘Don’t worry Warren for this job no tools will be required’

It is now almost 1 am and the hospital is closed down for the night and as we approach the front door I notice two guards ‘Mrs Pincombe there is no way that they will let us in at this time at night’

‘Don’t worry Warren it has all been taken care of ‘ So when we reach the doors they slide open and we walk right past the guards without being noticed ‘What the fuck are we invisible? ‘Come on Warren Rachel is fading fast we have to hurry’

 

In room 110 Rachel Smith looks to be sleeping peacefully but Mrs Pincombe assures me that Rachel want see another day if we don’t act soon so she hands me a kids book titled ‘Black Beauty’ and tells me to start reading the book into Rachels ear.

Rachel used to love horses with a passion so hopefully you can awaken her mind and give back to her family’

I have been reading to Rachel for over six months now but with no effect and the doctors have done all they can for her so Warren now it is up to you’

 

I take a seat next to Rachel and start to read ‘Black Beauty’ while Mrs Pincombe paces around the room nervously.

But I cant see the sense in what I am doing ,how can reading a book save a life? But I read that book with everything that I have for over an hour with little success .

But then the room starts to start on different shapes and colours and I find myself in a field with a horse chewing on some grass.

‘That is Rachels horse Roscoe he has been put out to pasture since Rachels accident and he to needs to see her again so use your special talent Warren and reunite Rachel with her family and her horse’

 

What changing the shape and scenery of the room isn’t a special talent?

‘I don’t know what to do Mrs Pincombe what is my special talent?

‘I cant tell you Warren because I don’t know ,you will have to figure it out for yourself but be quick Warren there isn’t much time left’

 

Without thinking I stand in the middle of the room and hold both of my arms out straight.

I aim my fingers at Rachel’s head and blue sparks fly from the tips and strike Rachel over and over and her arms and legs flail as her head is impacted.

All of my strength has been spent so I sit next to Rachel and squeeze her hand and I feel her respond to my touch as her hand squeezes mine.

Then Rachel opens her eyes ‘Can I have a drink of water please? “Sure Rachel here you go’

As I put a cup to Rachels lips Mrs Pincombe  presses the buzzer to summon the nurses ‘We need to leave now Warren our job here is done’

 

Back in the van I am floating with euphoria ‘Well done Warren you passed your first assignment with flying colours ,no pun intended’

I cant answer because I am still recovering from the ordeal but I manage a smile and Mrs Pincombe drives the van back to Apex Industries.

 

Over the following six months or so Mrs Pincombe and I travel in the van visiting people who need saving.

Sometimes I needed to open the toolbox and use a screwdriver or a hammer to enter a home unobserved but usually we entered by stealth alone.

Some clients responded to my reading their favourite book while others needed the whole treatment.

After another successful evening I asked Mrs Pincombe how she decided who to save and who couldn’t be saved

‘It isn’t up to me Warren I am just an ordinary citizen’ I try to say that she is anything but an ordinary citizen but she waves me off.

The decisions come from a higher power that visits me in my dreams and nightmares and when I wake all the information I need is etched deep in my brain.

 

Just before Christmas I am having a snooze in the afternoon when my phone rings ‘Warren I need you here at the office straightaway I had a visit in a nightmare last night and the news isn’t good so get here as soon as you can and I will fill you in’

I arrive at Apex Industries to find Mrs Pincombe in distress she is looking old and haggard ‘I am sorry for my appearance Warren but all of the visits to my mind over the years has finally taken its toll’

‘And the visit last night has left me with nothing left to give so on this job Warren you will be flying solo’

‘There is a predator on the loose and he is about enter our lives now hold my hand and I will tell you all about this evil piece of shit’

 

I listen intently as Mrs Pincombe whispers and tells me all about a serial rapist named Cedric Otis.

And as I listen my blood begins to boil ‘Mrs Pincombe maybe we should call the police and let them handle it’

‘ Warren you didn’t let me finish it is too late to involve the police because Cedric Otis has passed over to the other side but his evil spirit lives on’

Mrs Pincombe cant talk no more and collapses into a chair.

I have no time to lose so I call 000 and run out to the work van.

And this time I will need the toolbox.

 

Will I catch Cedric Otis evil spirit in time or will he create havoc all over Sydney town?

To find out the answer you will have to come back and read part two

 

THE END

Am I A Sheep ?

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I have been making a lot of decisions lately and I have a headache.

So I have decided to stop thinking for myself and just let other people do the thinking for me.

That is a load off my mind now I can relax and be myself or someone else.

 

As I have been out and about I have noticed a lot of guys are sporting large tats on the side of their necks.

Well I have always wanted to be a walking billboard so I book myself in to get some ink done.

Why should I be me?

When I can be like everybody else?

 

So now I have a tat and I am as happy as Larry and I look a lot like him to.

And even though I hate needles with a passion and almost died from blood poisoning it was worth it in the end.

Now I am part of the ‘in’ crowd just where I want to be.

Why should I be an individual when I can just blend into the background.?

 

When I was in hospital recovering from the blood poisoning I was visited by three of my male friends and all three had full grown beards.

I started to panic on the inside I don’t know how I have survived without ant facial hair what was I thinking {then I remember that I have stopped all thinking so I blame this oversight on the person who is supposed to be thinking for me)

I am angry at myself how can expect to fit in if I don’t follow the trends?

 

When I went home a week later I went straight into the bathroom and threw my razor into the bin I want need that little fucker no more.

My new beard is coming along nicely even though it itches like crazy.

Now along with my billboard tattoo and my itchy scratchy beard I am starting to look like 95% of the male population of Australia.

 

In the morning I catch a train into Newcastle confident that I am now a member of the A team.

But as soon as I leave the station it becomes apparent that I am not.

Every second person walking along the street is holding a coffee cup out front like they are carrying the holy grail so I immediately walk into a café ( they aren’t hard to find there is one every one hundred metres or so )

But as I read the menu I realise that I have no idea what I am reading but after noticing a queue forming behind me I order a short white long black combo.

The girl behind the register gives me a look like I have two heads ( how does she know that I am now part of the trend set? )

She places a large takeaway cup on the counter and I hand over $5 but I am told that I am a $1.50 short ( jesus why is being so cool so expensive? )

 

Now I am ready to walk the walk so I exit the café holding out my coffee cup like an Olympic baton and after walking for five hundred metres I am pleased to announce that I only split half and somehow managed to drink the rest.

Why should I actually sit down to drink a coffee?

When I can walk the streets like a zombie?

 

After a few hours of shopping and paying some bills I decide to go to the pub for a beer and a meal.

I go over to the bar and ask for a schooner of black but the barman tells me that they don’t serve black but they have a wide selection of craft beer.

So I order a schooner of organic wheat with a hint of ginseng and it is only costs me $9 ( bargain)

I carry my beer? over to the bistro and order a works burger but the girl behind the counter asks me if I want everything on it? I say sure so I pay her the $ 22 ( another bargain ) and take a seat.

 

I take a long sip from of beer? well satisfied with myself.

With my billboard tattoo Ned Kelly beard and my coffee cup waking skills I am now officially a member of the ‘in’ crowd I couldn’t be prouder. Baa

(Sorry a strange noise just came from my mouth ) baa baa baa baa

.Suddenly I feel like jumping imaginary fences baa baa baa baa.

I tuck into my burger? after discarding the bean sprouts kale and alfalfa leaves and take another bite ( I am sure I will find some meat soon ).

After my meal I head towards the door with my head in the clouds ( but wallet empty of money ) I have been completely transformed  from an everyday nobody into an everyday someone else.

Why should I be an individual?

When I can be just like you?

Baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa

 

THE END

 

 

Snowman

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It is a bright sunny day on the snowfields in Thredbo New South Wales and twenty eight year old Macy Wellings is enjoying her vacation away from the hustle and bustle of Sydney.

Macy first saw snow when she was six years old on a family holiday and from the start Macy was a natural skier.

She took to skiing like a duck to water and now twenty years later she is back doing what she loves

But her stomach is grumbling so Macy navigates her way through the tourists towards her motel room.

 

Entering her room Macy is glad that it is hot and toasty the sun might be shining but it is still bloody cold.

After kicking off her boots she makes herself a coffee and ponders whether to stay in her room or go downstairs to the bar.

She cant make up her mind so she runs herself a bath to think it over and while she waits for the water to fill Macy goes out onto the patio to smoke a cigarette

She lights up and takes in the view and is surprised to see a snowman standing in the middle of the carpark three floors below.

‘What a strange place to build a snowman’ Macy takes a last drag and flicks the butt out into the night then she goes back inside for a long soak.

 

Down in the carpark the snowman takes a few steps forward and extinguishes the cigarette and with a murderous glance up to the third floor he is ready to get down to business.

 

As Macy relaxes in the hot suds she decides that she will go downstairs who knows maybe Mr Right is down there waiting for her.

She is heading home tomorrow so she might as well have some fun on her last night.

But as she dries off with a fluffy towel Macy thinks about the snowman in the carpark.

There was something about that snowman that made her skin crawl but Macy tells herself that she is being stupid so she gets dressed and turns off the bathroom

 

But when she enters the living room Macy stops dead in her tracks and starts to tremble in fright.

The living room carpet is covered in huge wet footprints going from one room to another.

Macy steps back into the bathroom in shock maybe if she can make it to the door she can run down to reception and have them call the police.

But before Macy has another thought she is grabbed from behind and dragged into the shower recess.

Macy tries desperately to escape the clutches of her attacker but she feels herself losing strength fast.

She catches a glance of her attacker in the bathroom mirror and isn’t surprised when she sees a snowman choking the life out of her ‘But how can it be it is a snowman for fucks sake’

 

The snowman’s hunger is so strong so he doesn’t wait for his victim to die.

He starts to feed on Macy’s flesh and bone and soon there is nothing left except for a few toenails and some shattered teeth.

Then the snowman melts down into the drainpipe taking his meal with him.

 

At 11am o’clock the next morning the manager of the Thredbo Motel is getting annoyed the guest in room 308 was supposed to check out at 9 am but so far she is a no show don’t these people realise I have a schedule to keep.

She has rung room 308 six times already but the calls have all gone unanswered so Mrs Carruthers presses a bell on the counter and a bellboy wanders over.

‘Mr Jenkins please go up to room 308 and see if you can wake up Mrs Wellings she was supposed to check out this morning but she isn’t answering the phone,if there are any problems let me know right away’

Eighteen year old Jake Jenkins or JJ to his friends is pissed off it is Saturday morning and he would rather be hanging with his mates instead he is suck at work ‘OK Mrs Carruthers I will ring if there is a problem’

 

Jake rides the lift to the third floor and knocks on the door to 308 but gets no reply.

It isn’t the first time a guest has overslept so he knocks a little louder but still there is no answer.

Using the house key Jake enters room 308 ‘Hello Mrs Wellings it is past your check out time’ Jake goes from room to room but there is no sign of Mrs Wellins.

Then Jake notices the wet footprints all over the carpet ‘What the fuck?’ He knows that he should call the old dragon and let her know about the footprints and that there is no sign of Mrs Wellings ,but he doesn’t want to look like a wuss so he decides to have another look around.

There is luggage in the bedroom and dishes in the sink but Jake doesn’t like the look of those footprints they are too big to come from a human so now he is scared and doesn’t care if he looks like a wimp.

He walks toward the phone on the wall near the front door then he hears a noise coming from the bathroom

Jake knows that he should get the fuck out of there but he enters the bathroom and notices blood on the tiles in the shower

He has a closer look and almost throws up when he sees what appear to be toe nails and some bloody teeth.

Then Jake hears a noise coming from down in the drain,Jake feels his bowels loosen as he listens to what sounds like an animal chewing on a big bone.

He rushes over to the toilet drops his pants and releases a torrent of shit that calms his bowel but does nothing to calm his nerves.

 

The noise from the drain in the shower is getting louder but this time the sound is a growl and it is getting closer.

Jake yelps and runs towards the bathroom door with his trousers still around his ankles but he doesn’t get far before he feels an icy hand grip his ankle

He has a quick look behind him and screams to the heavens when he sees a snowman emerging from the drain

Jakes screams intensify as he feels the snowman chewing on his leg but soon quieten to a whimper as he is quickly eaten alive

But mercifully Jake dies before his remains are pulled down into the drain to be consumed at the snowman’s leisure.

 

Down stairs at reception Mrs Carruthers is getting worried there is no answer from room 308 and she hasn’t heard a peep from Mrs Wellings or Jake who even though he is young he is a good employee with a lot of common sense so Mrs Carruthers knows she can’t wait any longer.

So she picks up the phone and calls the police.

 

Twenty minutes later a couple of uniformed cops turn up to investigate and Mrs Carruthers explains the situation.

The policemen take the lift to room 308 and are surprised to find the door wide so they are immediately on their guard

They notice the footprints then they are hit by the stench coming from the bathroom and go to investigate.

The shower recess and tiles are covered in blood and pieces of flesh and bone it looks like a vicious crime scene but there is no signs of a body.

 

Constable Hughes stands guard on the door to 308 and calls dispatch to report two missing people possibly murdered and the grisly crime scene.

While Constable Coverdale goes downstairs to have the motel closed so no one can come or go.

 

Detectives Wagnells and Funk arrive and go straight up to room 308 where Constable Hughes is waiting.

They notice the footprints in the carpet as they make their way to the bathroom where the alleged crime scene is located.

Even these two seasoned Detectives are shocked by what they see,the bathroom and especially the shower recess is covered in blood and human flesh but as the Constables reported there are no bodies.

Detective Funk bends down for a closer look and notices that the drain cover is a little bent out of shape plus there are what appear to be human toenails and teeth on the shower floor.

He hears a noise down below in the sewers and puts his ear over the grate and hears what sounds like an animal chewing on a bone and sucking out the marrow.

‘What in the fuck is that?’ Detective Funk knows that he has to close down Thredbo before the shit really hits the fan.

 

Six year old Kimberly Frazer is oblivious to all the police activity at the Thredbo Motel only two hundred metres away.

She is playing in the snow with her three year old brother Ben while their parents ski nearby.

Then Kimberly sees a snowman only ten feet away Kimberly frowns because she is positive that the snowman wasn’t there a minute ago so where did it come from?

But she also notices that it has a piece of licorice for a mouth and Kimberly loves licorice so she walks closer to grab that licorice before her brother does.

As she reaches out her hand is grabbed by the snowman and before Kimberly can scream she is swallowed down whole.

Then the snowman and his meal melt down into the snow leaving behind nothing but a little snow boot and a tiny patch of blood.

 

Little Ben screamed in terror and his parents rush over .

Ben points to the patch of blood in the snow and whispers ‘snowman took Kimberly’

Mrs Frazer screams in horror and starts to dig in the snow hoping to find her daughter but Kimberly is long gone.

But parents scream out to Kimberly and soon a crowd gathers to see what is happening.

And that is when the worst massacre in Australian history occurs

 

One hundred and twenty five people have gathered to search for little Kimberly unawares that they are about to die a horrible death.

All around them Snowmen sprout up like Mushrooms and converge on the people in a feeding frenzy.

They are all ripped to shreds and devoured on the spot.

 

In room 308 Detectives Wagnells and Funk race out onto the patio and witness a carnage that will haunt them forever.

They watch as people are murdered before their eyes by what appear to be snowmen.

Both Detective finally kick into gear race downstairs but they know that by the time they reach the site of the massacre it will be way too late to stop the carnage.

 

Their is complete panic on the slopes as people run to escape the murderous snowmen.

They stampede down the mountain in their panic blocking the way of the Detectives who when they finally arrive discover nothing but patches of blood and gristle with not a snowman in sight.

 

I am writing this story ten years after the Thredbo massacre occurred on 10 August 2008 and to this day no bodies of the victims have been located despite intensive searches.

And so the legend of the killer snowmen lives on.

 

 

 

 

THE END

U Devil Ewe

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The following is a story about a ewe that doesn’t like to be sheared and will do anything she can to avoid it.

 

Te kuiti is a tiny town a little way south of Hamilton on the north island of New Zealand.

New Zealand is known as the land of the long white cloud and its stunning landscapes captured in all its splendour in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

While Te kuiti is also beautiful town it is best known for its award winning sheep.

 

One of those sheep is a three year old ewe named Molly.

Molly hasn’t won any ribbons ad she isn’t about to any time soon.

Not unless they are handing out ribbons for being the most cantankerous  ewe on the island.

Because if they were Molly would surely be wearing a shit load of bling.

 

Soon after she was born Molly was rejected by her mother and left to the elements and she would have died on her first day in this world if her bleating wasn’t heard by farmer Bob.

He gently picked her up from the wet grass and carried inside the farmhouse where his daughter he and his two daughters fed Molly her first bottle of milk.

 

Everyday Molly drank bottle after bottle of the fat rich liquid and after a couple of months she was getting to be a little to big for the house.

Plus farmer Bob and his offspring were getting annoyed by Molly blocking the heat coming from the wood fire and leaving little pellets of joy all around the joint.

 

Molly has over stayed her welcome so farmer Bob leads her and puts her in a paddock with hundreds of other ewes and lambs

‘Holy crap’ mutters Molly ‘it is freaking freezing out here’ Then Molly hangs her head as it begins to rain.

The life of a sheep is sometimes not a whole lot of fun and sunshine.

 

Molly bleats throughout the day hoping that the farmer will come running and take her back inside to the warmth of the fire.

But when her cries fall on deaf ears Molly trudges to a corner of the paddock and sobs under the dark sky until she falls to sleep.

 

Molly has survived the first six months of life by the skin of her teeth and everyday she grows bigger and stronger.

She is no longer a lamb shivering in the cold and rain now Molly is now a strong kiwi ewe.

And she is also sporting a fleece of premium quality wool.

 

Molly eyes the other sheep with contempt as she struts around the paddock like she is best in show.

She thinks that because she was hand raised and has one of the finest fleeces in the flock that she is somehow special.

But she is in for a big shock.

 

Molly is minding her own business chewing on some grass when she is scared half to death by a dog snapping at her heels.

She doesn’t really know what is happening but being a sheep she just follows the other sheep into a holding pen.

Molly tries to hide at the back of the pen because she has a feeling that something bad is about to happen.

She hears a human approaching and her heart leaps maybe it is that nice farmer that saved her from a certain death and took her into his home?

But she soon realises her mistake and tries to flee but she doesn’t get vey far before she is grabbed and manhandled into a shearing shed.

She is put into a very undignified position by a rough looking shearer who proceeds to cut off her golden fleece.

 

Two minutes later Molly feels the shearers hand on her rump and with a slap she is pushed down the chute and back out into the sunshine.

Well I say sunshine but we are in New Zealand after all.

What I meant to say is overcast with a constant threat of rain.

 

But at the moment Molly isn’t interested in my weather reports because she is shivering in the corner of the holding pen feeling all naked and exposed.

She stares up to the shearing and makes a vow to never let herself be shorn ever again.

 

Molly is back in her paddock recovering from her ordeal when she has the ovine version of a brainwave.

What if she can somehow ruin her fleece and make it unworthy of being removed.

Then she could be warm and mellow all year round.

 

So in the following months as her fleece begins to grow out she rolls around in the mud picking up all kinds of burrs and thorns plus a good covering of dung.

She now looks and smells like something from a sewerage treatment plant.

So she is confident that when the dog herds her back into the holding pen that she will be left alone.

And sure enough a week later that pesky dog does return and the flock is once more herded into the pen.

 

Again Molly hangs out at the back and she watches as one by one the other sheep disappear up into the shearing shed until she is the last ewe standing.

‘Well well well what do we have here?’ one of the shearers mutters to his mate’What do you think bro? Maybe we should water blast her to get her wool nice and shiny ready for a clipping’

‘Or we could just shoot her right here and now and cut her into chops or maybe a nice brisket?’

Molly doesn’t know what water blasting or a nice brisket is but it sounds like it would hurt so she rubs herself against the fence and rubs off all the burrs and thorns and after a quick dip in the water through to clean off the crap.

She is once again shoved into the shearing shed and has another hair cut

 

Molly is wandering around her paddock and she is spitting chips.

Why do the shearers continue to take her woollen overcoat?

Don’t they know that it is fucking freezing out here?

Molly knows that she really shouldn’t say the F word but enough is enough.

Never again will she allow herself to be shorn again.

And this time she means it

 

Six months later Molly is relaxing in her paddock when she notices a cloud of dust coming from the front gate.

And soon enough the first of the utes arrive ‘Holy crap’ Molly runs around in a panic not nothing what to do when she hears MOO.

Over in the next paddock a herd of cows are standing around doing a whole lot of nothing.

Molly thinks for a second she takes a few steps back then runs as fast as she can and jumps over the fence.

She flies through the air like Steve MacQueen in the Great Escape and lands in the middle of the startled cows.

 

Molly smiles to herself an hour later when she sees the dog herding the other sheep into the holding pen.

‘Stick that up ya’ Molly says before she joins her new bovine friends as they eat grass and chew on their cud

But the good times don’t last long because early the next morning farmer Bob opens the gate and all the cows follow him toward the milking shed.

Molly knows that she is in deep doo doo and tries to act and look like a cow but she knows that she isn’t fooling anybody especially not farmer Bob who grabs her by the scruff of the neck ‘Come here u devil ewe’

 

Later in the year Molly once again notices the cloud of dust coming from the front gate ‘Holy fuck it is that time again’

She is sporting a flawless gag free fleece of wool and she doesn’t want to lose it.

She has been exchanging glances with a ram so she wants to be at her best.

What would a randy ram want with a ewe that was nothing but skin and bone?

She knows that if she is to defeat the shearers this time than she will has to come up with a wooly wooly good plan.

 

She is rubbing her itchy butt against a rusty bale of fencing wire when a cunning plan begins to form.

She nibbles on the rusty wire hoping that her fleece will turn into a good for nothing fleece of steel wool

She continues to chew ‘God I know I need some iron in my diet but this is ridiculous’

And after chewing for an hour her wool turns silver with a few rust flecks.

And not before time because the dog arrives  and Molly follows the others into the pen.

But she doesn’t stop there she walks up right up the chute’Come on shear me you fuckers’

 

Two of the best shearers in New Zealand ‘Wazza’ Smith and Bazza; Jones look at each other in astonishment when a weird looking ewe arrives demanding to be shorn

Wazza being the head shearer shakes his head ‘This one is all yours Bazza I am going out for a smoke’

Bazza swears under his breath and grabs hold of Molly and prepares to shear her so he can go have a ciggy with Wazza.

 

But as soon as the clippers touch the wool a shower of sparks fly in all directions.

A few sparks land on a fleece of wool that is spread out on a nearby table.

At first nothing happens but then the lanolin in the wool catches fire and it soon takes hold .

Bazza and Molly both run for their lives and barely make it before the roof caves in.

And ten minutes later the shearing shed is reduced to nothing but a charred pile of rubble.

 

Molly survives but she isn’t happy.

She is singed and looks and smells like a forlorn crispy crispy critter.

What ram in his right mind would even look at her?

But then a wet tongue nuzzles her ear and the ram of her dreams is comforting her with tender kisses.

And even though Molly isn’t looking her best at the moment she snuggles up to her ram.

Her life is now complete.

BAA BAA BAA BAA BAA BAA

 

THE END

 

 

The Well

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A dark cloud has settled over rural Montana and it is here to stay

The dark cloud is named Hattie Hendricks,a mean spinster who has been teaching English at her local school for the last ten years.

 

Hattie isn’t very well liked mainly because she has the social graces of a black mamba with the personality and looks of a bulldog.

Her fellow teachers loathe her with a passion while the student body treat her with contempt.

And being over six foot tall and weighing over 200 pounds Hattie is a formidable figure.

You better buy yourself a raincoat because the shit is about to hit the fan.

 

It is almost midnight and Hattie is at home watching TV while devouring a large whiskey.

She is in a foul mood because today because another student complained about her teaching methods and lack of hygiene.

That makes five complaints in less then a year  and Hattie knows that she is skating on thin ice.

One more complaint and she will be suspended from teaching

Hattie scowls to herself and goes into the kitchen to wash out the whiskey glass and while standing at the sink she looks out into the far corner of her backyard where behind an old shed sits a well.

One way or another her tormentors will pay

 

After school the next day is walking to her car when she is confronted by Philipa Cates the student who made the latest complaint about her ‘Hey Miss Hendricks are you going home to have a shower? Because i think you should,you smell Miss Hendricks and you are a bad teacher,so why don’t you get the fuck away from my school’

 

Hattie stares down at Philipa and her blood begins to boil but she composes herself’I am sorry you feel that say Philipa i am sure that we can come to an understanding in the principals office tomorrow’

As Hattie talks she inches closer to her tormentor while she scans the car park to see if any one is lurking about.

And before Philipa knows what is happening she is punched hard in the face and bundled into her teachers car.

 

Philipa wakes to find herself gagged with duct tape and tied to a chair.

It isn’t an electric chair but it might as well because for Philipa Cates there will be no escape.

She struggles as hard as she can but Philipa soon ties and starts to cry.

 

‘Hello Philipa welcome back to the land of the living,you wont be here long so make the best of it while it lasts’

‘Y’know you really shouldn’t have reported me to the principal and called me all of those nasty names’

Those are you final words that Philipa will ever hear because Hattie is brandishing a set of garden shears.

And with a snip snip here and a snip snip there Philipa is cut into manageable pieces taken outside under the cover of darkness and tossed down the well.

 

As Hattie listens for the body to hit the bottom her mind wanders back to when she was in 3rd Grade

She was enjoying her lunch break sitting by herself when she notices the school walking toward her.

Betty Devereaux is a fifth grader with a mean streak and an acid tongue.

She gives Hattie both barrels and a whole lot more,Hattie pretends not to hear and scurries away to hide in the bathroom.

But Betty follows her into the bathroom and the abuse and name calling continues.

She peers over the cubicle wall looking down at her victim’What are you hiding for you fat ugly pig? But i have to admit that if i was as ugly as you i would be hiding as well’

 

Hattie looks up at Betty Devereaux with a creepy little smile on her face.

Betty notices the look on Hatties and tries to make a hasty retreat but Hattie is way too fast and she grabs Betty by her long blond hair and pulls her into her cubicle

She slams Betty’s head repeatedly against the toilet bowl until all resistance stops then she shoves Betty’s head into the water and leaves her to drown.

 

Hattie doesn’t get much sleep that night half expecting the police to come knocking on her door but nothing happens.

And at school the next day the principal calls an assembly and tells all the teachers and students about the attack on Betty’The police will be here shortly to interview anyone who might have seen the attack on Betty

‘I am sorry to say that Betty is currently in a coma so please lets all join hands and pray for Betty’

The police spend all day interviewing everyone who was on campus that day and when it is Hattie’s turn she smiles sweetly and tells the cops that she has no idea what happened to poor Betty

To this day Betty Devereaux still lies in a coma.

 

Eight years later Hattie starts dating a local lad named Brett Hyland and after a few weeks she invites him home to meet her parents.

After a great meal the foursome retire to the living room for a drink and some pleasant conversation,then Hatties mother spoils the occasion’It is so nice to meet you Brett do you know that you are Hattie’s first boyfriend’

‘We know that Hattie isn’t the best looking girl in town and she would be better off if she lost a few pounds’

Hattie listens as her mother prattles on,how can her own mother say all those nasty things about her,and how can her father just sit there without defending her?

Isn’t blood supposed to be thicker then water?

Hattie excuses herself and goes into the kitchen where she rummages through a drawer and picks out a sharp knife.

 

Her parents are chatting pleasantly with Brett when she returns to the living room.

‘Hello dear i was just telling Brett how me and your father how we are hoping that you do something about your weight and maybe get your hair styled’

Hattie walks behind her mother and puts her hand on her mothers shoulder’Thanks for those kind words Mom you really are an inspiration’

Then Hattie tilts her mothers head back and slices her neck from ear to ear and before her father can react she opens him up as well

Brett screams ‘What in the fuck have you done Hattie?His eyes look over to the front door’I wouldn’t bothering to run Brett just take your medicine like a man,i promise to make it quick’

Brett realising that he hasn’t much of a choice makes a run for it but he doesn’t get very far before Hattie plunges the knife into his back killing him instantly.

 

Hattie opens the back door and one by one she drags the bodies of her parents and her boy friend out onto the patio then down to the far corner of the backyard.

Then without any preambles she drops the bodies down the well.

Hattie spends the following two weeks cleaning up her parents house until it shines

Once she is satisfied that she has covered her tracks she rents out the house jumps into her fathers beat up old chevy and hits the road.

 

Hattie settles down in Sioux City and begins to rebuild her life.

She enrols in college to further her studies and four years later she gains her diploma as an English teacher.

She gets a job at the local school and despite a few incidents she is happy.

But lately a little voice has begun to talk in Hattie’s ear and a few weeks later she has packed her bags and catches a train back home to Buttholeville Montana.

 

She gets a cab in the realtor that has been looking after her parents house and is told by the agent,a Miss Higgons that the house has stood empty for the last year after the last tenants left after saying they were hearing strange noises and screams.

Hattie is given the keys and moves back into her childhood home.

 

After unpacking her bags Hattie goes downstairs and makes herself a cup of coffee then she goes outside and wanders down to the well’Hello mom and dad i am home,have you missed me?’

Hattie spends the following weeks settling in and keeping a low profile,she doesn’t want her return to be noticed.

But it doesn’t take long before the word spreads the Hattie Hendricks is back in town

 

After doing some housework Hattie goes to make some lunch when she realises that she doesn’t have any supplies in the house so she picks up her keys and walks to the local supermarket.

Hattie is pushing her trolley down aisle three when a little voice pipes up behind her ‘Hello is your name Hattie ? Because my mom says that you are fat and ugly and smell like a dead fish and i can see that she is right’

Hattie glares down at a little boy with snot running from his nose ‘Hello what is your name young fellow?”My name Joey Stanton and i think you stink’

‘Why that isn’t a nice thing to say young fellow’Hattie says as she inches closer to the little turd who cant keep his mouth shut.

Then when the coast is clear she pounces and grabs Joey by his left arm and twists and twists until she feels his bones snap’There you go Joey that will teach you not to say nasty words,now run off and tell your mom that i said hello.

Hattie abandons her trolley and walks back towards her house while Joey Stanton runs screaming to his mother over in the produce department.

 

At home Hattie runs outside and down to the well’Why do people have to be such assholes?All i wanted to do was come home and lead a peaceful life without any shit but other people just wont leave me alone’

‘I did a bad thing mom and dad and i think the police will be here soon and maybe Joey Stanton’s mother will come along for the ride’

‘Well i am telling you now mom and dad that i wont go down without a fight,no siree’

 

And sure enough an hour later Sheriff Jones knocks on Hattie’s front door with Mrs Stanton right behind him’I am telling you Sheriff she is a crazy bitch’

‘Now now Mary lets not jump to conclusions,lets just wait and hear what she has to say’

After knocking a few more times the Sheriff and Mary Stanton open the side gate and go around to the backyard to find Hattie Hendricks with her head down a well.

‘Sheriff Jones takes charge’Hattie i am the Sheriff and this is Mrs Stanton,i just have a few questions about your whereabouts this morning’

Why Sheriff i have been here all morning,i have just moved back to town after a few years away’Why you lying fucking bitch,you broke my little Joey’s arm at the market with your bare hands’

Sorry Mrs Stanton but i haven’t left the house your son must have me confused with someone else’

Hattie hasn’t moved an inch from the well,she wants her mom and dad to hear how brave she is’You can’t come into my yard accusing me of something i didn’t do’

‘Why don’t you both just go home and leave me alone’

 

‘Sorry Miss Hendricks but i cant do that i need to ask you a few questions and clear up this situation’

Hattie doesn’t reply and Sheriff Jones and Mrs Stanton walk closer and closer until they are just a few feet away.

Then she grabs a pitchfork that she had hidden behind her back and runs it through the Sheriff’s stomach and out the other side

Mrs Stanton just stands there with her mouth opening and closing like a goldfish in a bowl,Hattie slams her head against the side of the well until her brain is expose

‘Mom and dad i am pleased t announce that you will soon have some company’ Then she grabs Mrs Stanton by her ankles and throws her down the well.

Sheriff Jones is still breathing when Hattie drags him to the well and with a bit of effort throws him in.

 

Six hours later at the Stanton household Joey is sitting on his bed holding the cast on his arm wondering why his mommy hasn’t come home yet.

She said that she was going to the crazy women’s house with the sheriff and that she wouldn’t be long but that was hours ago and Joey is getting worried.

So without telling his daddy who is asleep upstairs he sneaks outside and rides his bike to the weird lady’s house.

 

It is just about dinner time when he arrives and noticing the side gate open he walks around the back.

The lady who broke his arm is leaning against a well talking to herself’What have you done to my Mommy?

Hattie spins around’Why if it isn’t little Joey Stanton,do you want to see your Mommy Joey? Because i know where she is’

Joey rushes forward’You do? Tell me please where is she?

‘Why Joey she is right here down in the well’

Joey doesn’t know why his Mommy would be down a well but he walks closer

‘Come on Joey i want hurt you i think your Mommy needs your help’

 

Down in the well Sheriff Jones has been listening to every word,he is barely alive and with the last of his strength he unbuckles his holster and pulls out his service weapon and fires.

BANG Joey is shocked by the noise and also by a small red hole that has appeared in the middle of the crazy woman’s forehead.

Hattie sways back and forth on her feet and before she falls to the ground Joey goes behind her and with a shove Hattie disappears down the well.

‘Go to to hell you crazy fucking bitch’

 

 

THE END

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ribbons Of Blood ( Two )

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In the first part of this story i introduced you to Victor Bradstreet the world renowned writer who was visiting his cabin up in rural Virginia to try to cure a severe case of writers block.

And while getting some supplies from the general store he noticed an old olivetti typewriter gathering dust on a clearance table

Victor bought the old typewriter and took it back to his cabin where the olivetti wrote him a best seller

But Victor got greedy and demanded more and more from the typewriter and the olivetti went on strike refusing to write another word until Victor fed it a meal of his blood.

The final showdown happened on a cold winters day in December 2017.

Victor carried the typewriter outside to his backyard doused it in lighter fluid and set that fucker on fire.

But the olivetti wasn’t ready to die just yet and it got its revenge by wrapping its ink ribbons around Victors throat choking him to death.

 

PART TWO

The CEO of Unicorn Press Penelope Clutterbuck is chairing a meeting at the companies head office in New York.

She is in a good mood because Victors last novel made her company a shitload of money with sales exceeding six million worldwide.

Penelope is just warming up when the phone on her desk starts to ring cutting off her report.

She gives the phone an icy stare just daring it to keep on ringing

Penelope isn’t a happy camper because she told her secretary to hold all calls unless there was a national emergency or the sky was falling

 

‘Excuse me but i need to take this call’ She turns her back on her audience and whispers into the phone’This better be good Sally or your ass is out of here’

‘Sorry Mrs Clutterbuck but i have a Detective Peterson from Virginia on line two who needs to speak with you urdently’

Penelope is a hard nosed divorcee who likes to be charge  and the one thing that she doesn’t like is surprises’why would a detective from Virginia be calling her?’

Then she remembers that Victor is over in Virginia writing his new novel’God i hope that Victor is alright i cant afford to lose my cash cow.

 

She takes a seat and presses line two ‘Hello Mrs Clutterbuck this is detective Peterson from Springwood Virginia and i am sorry to tell you but i have some bad news’

I am here at Victors cabin just outside of town and well it looks like an intruder broke in and murdered Victor in cold blood’

Penelope cant believe what she is hearing,Victor her biggest seller and largest earner is dead.

God detective this is quite a shock i was only talking to Victor a couple of days ago i cant believe that he is gone,murder you say?

‘Yes we are have a murderer on our hands i am afraid,we have informed his daughter about her fathers death and she didn’t take the news well’

‘If you of any body who would want to harm Victor could you please let me know,i have left my number with your secretary’

 

When Penelope hangs up she doesn’t give a single thought about Victors grieving daughter.

As usual all she thinks about herself and Unicorn Presses bottom line.

She knows that she will have to travel to Virginia right away before  the daughter has a chance to get her hands on a manuscript finished or not.

‘Sally please tell Calvin to bring the limo around out front i am flying to Virginia on the next flight,Victor has been murdered and i need to be there’

 

Penelope always has a bag packed in her office in case of emergency and what could be more dire then losing future earnings to a meddling daughter.

An hour later her limo arrives at JFK Airport and Penelope boards a flight to Arlington Virginia.

Then after a ten hour flight she reaches Arlington and hires a car and drives for an hour until she reaches Victors cabin.

And after making sure that her hair and makeup is correct for a woman of her stature she walks up the steps and knocks on the front door.

 

The door is opened by a uniformed cop who gives Penelope the once over’Sorry but no reporters are allowed in here the detectives will release a media statement later in the day’Excuse me young man but do i look like a reporter?My name is Penelope Clutterbuck and i am here to meet Detective Peterson.’Sorry lady i will see if he is available’

 

Detective Peterson soon arrives’Mrs Clutterbuck i didn’t expect to see you here’Sorry detective but i was deeply saddened when you told me that Victor was murdered so i grabbed the first flight available to see if i could help’

When she is escorted inside Penelope is surprised by the amount of blood that is sprayed all over the living room’Please Mrs Clutterbuck don’t touch anything this is still a crime scene’

‘Just have a look around and tell me if you see anything missing or out of place’

I have only been here twice before but if i see anything amiss i will surely let you know’

 

As she is escorted from room to room Penelope’s beady eyes scan the room like a piranha hungry for blood

It would be nice to discover a manuscript all boxed up and addressed to her but Penelope knows that that is wishful thinking

Then when Penelope and Detective Peterson enter the kitchen Penelope is surprised to see a typewriter sitting on the table.

Victor was up to date with all the latest apps and technology so why would he need a typewriter?

 

The olivetti senses movement nearby as it sits on the table acting all sweet and innocent like butter wouldn’t melt in its mouth.

Its ink ribbons quiver with anticipation it has been two days since it fed on Victors blood.

And now it is ready to feed again.

 

Before the olivetti had its first taste of blood it survived on the words that were typed onto its ribbons.

Nouns verbs objectives upper or lower case the typewriter didnt really care it swallowed them all.

But that all changed in 1974 a few after it came off the production line.

 

Twenty year old Samual Montford a budding writer took the typewriter home to begin his first novel.

His fingers flew over the keys and the words flowed with abandon.

Three chapters in only two hours was beyond Samuel’s wildest dreams.

But around dinner time he was pushing the letters a little too hard and gave himself a paper cut.

And as his blood dripped into the mechanism of the olivetti a beast living inside was awoken.

 

Over the years the typewriter killed and devoured ten unsuspecting budding novelists without leaving a trace.

But now with the advances in technology the olivetti was pushed aside as computers took over.

For over twenty years it sat on the shelf eating nothing but dust motes and the occasional cockroach or mouse.

 

Now the typewriter has emerged from its forced hibernation and has had its first solid meal for a long time.

Victors blood has given the machine a new lease on life and now it needs another meal and it wants it now

 

Penelope has no idea that Victors murderer is sitting only five foot away from where she is standing.

All she wants is to find a manuscript and go home

‘Excuse me Mrs Clutterbuck ‘Detective Peterson says’But Victors daughter will be arriving soon would you like to stay  and talk to her?

The last thing that Penelope wants is to talk to Abigail Bradstreet so she declines the invitation and leaves the cabin empty handed.

 

A month after Victors murder Penelope is working late in her office doing the books and crunching the numbers.

Her company is doing well at  the moment but what Penelope really wants is another best seller.

She hasn’t had a good nights sleep since Victors death.

Not knowing if Victor has written a manuscript and left it somewhere in his cabin has been driving her crazy so she decides that another trip to Virginia will give her some peace of mind.

She phones Detective Peterson and he tells her that they have no suspects at the moment and that while Victors murder is still being investigated it has been put on the back burner until new leads develope

 

Penelope smiles at the news because now she is confident that no police officers will be present at the cabin so she will be able to take her time and search the cabin from ceiling to floor.

 

A few days later Penelope arrives at Victors cabin to find it locked and the front door covered in police tape.

Penelope walks around the house looking for a way inside but all the windows are locked up tight.

So in frustration Penelope picks up a rock and smashes a side window then with a final glance to make sure she hasn’t been heard she climbs inside.

 

After an hour of searching the cabin from top to toe Penelope is growing more and more frustrated.

Surely Victor wrote something before his demise but where could it be?

It would be nice to find a finished manuscript and give his fans one last novel.

But more importantly it would earn Penelope and Unicorn Press millions of dollars.

 

Penelope enters the kitchen to get a glass of water and notices that the old typewriter is still sitting on the kitchen table.

She still cant understand why Victor would own an ancient olivetti.

But at the same time Penelope is strangely attracted to the machine.

‘I wonder if all the keys still work’muses Penelope’If they do i will take the typewriter home and put it in my den’

So she feeds in a sheet of paper to test out the old contraption.

But before she can press a key

kerclack kerclack kerclack kerclack

 

‘What in the fuck?’ Penelope jumps back in fright as the typewriter begins to type words.

And even though Penelope is scared out of her wits she is desperate to know what the olivetti has typed’Do you want to make a lot of money Penelope? Feed me and i will make you a millionaire ten times over’

‘I will write your debut novel and make you a star’

 

Penelope is spellbound as she reads what is written on the page.

She knows that she really should run away as fast as she can and tell the police about her discovery.

But at the same time who doesn’t want to be a star?

So Penelope types’OK i will take up your offer write me the first chapter and if i like what i read we have a deal’

kerclack kerclack kerclack kerclack

 

Ha ha ha good one Penelope but i survived on nothing but dust and rodents until i tasted Victors blood and now i need another meal’

‘So feed me your blood Penelope and i will write you a masterpiece’

As Penelope reads the words she now knows that she is in deep shit and turns to run.

But her ship has already sailed and she didn’t buy a ticket.

She screams out and almost makes it to the kitchen door when the ink ribbons fly out and wrap around her throat and Penelope is reeled in like a flounder.

 

The ribbons around her neck squeeze tighter and tighter and Penelope fights desperately to save her life but she quickly loses the battle.

The typewriter chews on Penelope’s blood meat and bones until it is sated.

 

For a week the typewriter feeds on Penelope’s body and its ribbons scour the kitchen floor picking up every morsel and mop up every drop of blood until there is nothing left

 

At her home in Colorado Victors daughter Abigail is still recovering from the death of her father.

But the time has come to settle her fathers affairs and get on with her life .

So she climbs into her Corolla and drives towards her dads cabin in Virginia.

 

When she arrives she is surprised to see a car parked out front.

She calls out and when she doesn’t get an answer she pulls aside the police tape and enters the cabin.

She notices the broken window and a rock on the floor and again calls out but no one answers so Abigail has a look around.

The cabin looks neat and tidy and the TV  and stereo are still in place so Abigail relaxes  and after using the bathroom she enters the kitchen and is surprised to see a shiny typewriter on the table.

 

She takes a step forward to get a closer look and can’t believe how spick and span the old typewriter.

It is almost like it has had a transfusion.

Abigail takes a seat and admires the trusty old machine but then she thinks to herself’Why would my father own a typewriter in this day and age?

 

Abigail turns to go back to her car to get some packing boxes when

kerclack kerclack kerclack kerclack

Abigail almost pees her pants when she reads

HELLO ABIGAIL

 

 

THE END

Part three is coming soon so don’t buy a typewriter at any yard sales’

You have been warned.

Chokka Blokka Quokka

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The following story is about a quokka who has a liking for junk food.

 

Eighteen kilometres off the coast of Freemantle WA is a small island named Rottnest.

Rottnest is known for its white sandy beaches and relaxed lifestyle.

But the islands main claim to fame is the quokka who has been described as the ‘happiest animal on earth’

 

Normally only about 150 people call Rottnest home but in peak tourist season that number can swell to 15,000 or more.

Which is good for the western australian governments tourism dollar.

But not so good for the quokka.

 

Deep in the hinterland a mob of quokka’s are minding their own business digging in the dirt searching for roots and grubs.

Amongst the mob live a family of four mum and dad plus their two sons Mokka and Bokka.

 

They are just loafing around enjoying the sun while they digest their greens when they are confronted by an old grey kangaroo ‘Why don’t you all go to the coast and check out the action?’

There are a lot of tourists there who like to feed all the native animals’

Mr and Mrs quokka have heard about the tourists,but there is plenty of food right outside their front door.

So why travel all the way to the coast?

 

But the kangaroo is very persuasive and Mokka and Bokka are excited about seeing the beach for the first time.

So the family of quokka’s pack their bags and head off for an adventure to the coast.

 

After three days of trekking through rainforests and dangerous terrain the quokka’s arrive on the coast sweaty and exhausted.

They cant believe how many people are out and about so they huddle together beneath a park bench while they catch their breath.

 

They notice other quokka’s running among the tourists and they seem friendly enough.

So Mokka works up some courage and walks toward a lone tourist while his shy brother stays behind with his parents.

‘Be careful Mokka ‘his father calls out’It is a dangerous place out here’

But Mokka isn’t listening he is busy checking out the sites.

He jumps and hops all the way to the waters edge.

 

He dips his paw in the water and does a little dance of joy.

Mokka waves to his family to come and join him but they are still wary of all the hustle and bustle.’Come on Bokka the water is fine you will love it’

But Bokka looks away and hides behind his parents.

 

But someone is interested in getting to know Mokka a tourist has followed him onto the sand’Come here little quokka and give me a selfie and i will give you a hot chip’

Mokka doesn’t know what a hot chip is but it does sound mighty tasty so he climbs onto the lap of the tourist and is told to cheese.

Mokka doesnt know cheese is either but he smiles for the lady and is given his reward.

 

He holds the little morsel in both paws and has a little taste’Yum not bad but it could do with a little salt’ so Mokka dips the chip into the ocean and swallows it down in one bite.

And with that first bite Mokka gets a taste for junk food.

 

He runs back to his family to give them the good news but they don’t want to know.

His father offers him a juicy leaf to munch on but Mokka has had a taste for the good life and he wants some more.

 

Later that night after his family has fallen asleep Mokka sneaks away for some more fun and adventure.

He smells the air like a dog hoping to pick up the scent of  hot chips and he follows his nose to a rubbish bin one hundred metres away.

Mokka dives right in and demolishes chip after chip until he cant eat no more.

He lays on the grass digesting his meal Mokka is as happy as a quokka can be.

 

Over the following weeks Mokka wanders the streets looking for hand outs from the tourists or going through the bins looking for scraps.

It is now over six weeks since Mokka has seen his family and he doesn’t really miss them because he is too busy cultivating his new lifestyle.

 

He is scratching his ever expanding belly while chewing on a dim sim when he is approached by another tourist’Excuse me but are you a quokka?

Mokka looks at the holiday maker like he is a complete idiot’Sorry i didn’t mean to offend you but i thought that quokka’s were small you look more like a wombat’

Mokka mutters a few choice words  that would make his mothers hair curl and the bewildered tourist wanders off.

Not only is Mokka the same size and shape as Eric Cartman he also has the temper to match.

 

Three hours later Mokka is slouching along feeling sorry for himself when he notices a fresh golden chip sitting in the middle of the boardwalk twenty metres away.

His eyes light up and he sprints as fast as his growing body will take him.

Squawk squawk squawk Mokka looks up to see a seagull swooping down toward the chip

 

‘I am telling you now Mr fucking Steven Seagull but there is nothing on this earth faster then me when it comes to taking down a hot chip’

Mokka and the seagull collide in mid air and for a moment time stands still.

The seagull claws and pecks Mokka until he starts to bleed

Mokka is struggling to stay in the fight and the seagull goes in for the killer blow.

But with the power of ten quokka’s Mokka stands his ground,grabs the seagull by the balls and squeezes tight.

And with a high pitched squawk the seagull flies away tender and defeated.

 

Meanwhile Mr and Mrs quokka have set up camp five hundred metres inland while they wait for their wayward son to come to his senses and return to his family.

Bokka can his his parents distress so he makes his way toward the coast.

He is determined to bring his brother back he will carry him if he has to.

 

But when he arrives at the beach Bokka knows that he wont be carrying Mokka anywhere without a block and tackle.

Mokka is now so big he is barely recognisable as a quokka.

 

Mokka is laying on his back surrounded by empty pizza boxes and fast food wrappers.

In his hand he holds a sign that reads’Will give selfies for food’

As he looks at his brother Bokka can feel his blood beginning to boil.

He scares off the tourists grabs hold of the sign and rips it into a thousand pieces.

 

Mokka knows that he is in bad shape.

But he  would do anything for a taste of sugar salt and saturated fats.

His eyes mist over as he watches Bokka fighting off the tourists carrying tasty treats.

‘Why is it that everything that is bad for you can taste so damn good?”

 

For over a week Bokka doesn’t leave his brothers side

He hand feeds Mokka fresh leaves and grass.

Everything that a quokka needs to stay fit and healthy.

 

Thanks to his brothers help Mokka is now back to his normal self.

He has returned home to his family deep in the heart of Rottnest.

And is enjoying life far away from temptation.

 

 

THE END

Ancient Ice

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Way back in millennia when the earth tipped on its axis and the ice caps formed’

A parasite found itself trapped deep in the ice unable to escape.

But now because of global warming the ice caps are shrinking at an alarming rate.

So soon the parasite will become exposed to the rays of the sun where it will begin to multiply and feed.

 

On the 26th January 2018 an icebreaker sailed from its home port of nova scotia on its maiden voyage.

The SS Indomitable has been commissioned by by a giant oil company to test drill deep into the ice of the north pole and surrounding areas on its endless quest to find new deposits of crude oil and natural gas.

 

The CEO of Axium Oil David Bertram has spent millions of dollars and countless hours trying to beat its competitors to find new discoveries of fossil fuels before the worldwide reserves run out.

And after  studying the latest satellite imagery Bertram is confident that there are huge deposits of oil and natural gas beneath the ice of the north pole.

 

The captain of the SS Indomitable Stephen Isbister is a crusty old sailor from Oslo has over thirty years experience sailing the high seas.

He has survived being attacked by pirates,hurricanes,mutiny and sickness and disease so Axium couldn’t have a better skipper at the wheel for this secret mission to the pole.

And if successful the north pole will be swamped by thousands of people drilling for the precious commodity.

 

Isbister is always happier when he is away from civilisation,just himself and a few crew sailing to God knows where.

And if he is able to keep the mission very low key he will receive a bonus from Axium that will be more than enough for him to retire to Spain.

 

After sailing through some very bad weather the SS Indomitable reaches its destination on 7th February and captain Isbister wastes no time in sending a scouting party ashore to set up a base camp.

The captain watches from the brig as ten men leave the safety of the icebreaker and drive toward the pole in two all terrain vehicles

Outside it is a brisk 2 degrees below zero blowing a gale and soon the two ATV’s disappear from view.

 

Driving the first ATV is the icebreakers first mate Patrick Sullivan,a fifty year old Irishman with a liking for whiskey and making money with the least effort possible.

Beside him sits a young Japanese engineer named Yukihiro Valdez Yamamoto.

Yuki is a man of mystery no one has ever seen his face,it is covered at all times by a scarf  or balaclava.

He took an instant dislike to Sullivan,there is something about him that made Yuki’s  instinct for people work overtime.

Sullivan is trouble and Yuki  knows that if he is to come out of this shit storm alive he will have to keep an eye on Sullivan at all times.

In the back sit an American navigator Randy Coultson a French scientist plus a Mexican cook who is shivering and cursing loudly in his native tongue

 

The second ATV contains five young riggers from Australia and New Zealand who are all muscle with very little grey matter between their ears.

But they are all hard workers  and will toil from dawn to dusk as long as they have enough to eat and have an endless supply of beer.

 

In the lead ATV Randy is navigating from the back seat using a rusty old compass that his grandfather gave him on his last birthday.

Even though the vehicle has all the mod con’s including GPS Randy points Sullivan in the right direction and soon they arrive at a snowbound log cabin that was built by Robert F Scott on his expedition to the pole in the late 1890’s.

 

The second ATV pulls in behind and all hands except for Sullivan help unload some supplies and carry them inside the cabin that hasn’t seen any human activity for over forty years.

Luckily for Jose the cabin cook the cabin has lots of wood on hand so he lights a fire and prepares a meal of chicken rice and beans.

In the morning he will venture out and hunt for caribou or moose and if worse comes to worse a rabbit or rat will have to suffice.

 

Sullivan sits at a table in the corner watching all of the activity around him he eyes them all with suspicion because he is hiding a secret of his own.

You see Sullivan is playing a very dangerous game because he has been employed by Axium’s biggest corporate rival Newflow Oil and Gas

The CEO of Newflow has told Sullivan to do anything in his power to sabotage Axium’s mission.

Even if he has to scuttle the Indomitable and swim home.

 

Sullivan radios back to captain Isbister that all is well and that the exploration will begin at first light.

Isbister replies wishing him and the others godspeed and a safe return.

 

At sunrise after a hearty breakfast the ten men climb into the ATV’s and drive the few miles to the drill site where Randy after checking the coordinates confirms that they are in the correct position.

So the drilling equipment is unloaded and after a half day wasted setting up the first drill enters the ice to a depth of five thousand metres.

Sullivan knows that they really should drill to a depth of ten thousand metres or more but hopefully the other dumb fuckers want notice his deception.

 

Yuki has been watching Sullivan intently and he isn’t a dumb fucker he knows that Sullivan is up to something and he wanders over to confront the Irishman’Excuse me Mr Sullivan but the probes aren’t drilling deep enough you need to go down to a depth of ten thousand metres’

Sullivan turns around to see the young Japanese engineer turned sideways so his face is hidden ‘Why i know that young fellow,that was only a test probe,tomorrow we will drill to depths never seen before’

Yuki smiles pretending to be satisfied with the response but he knows that trouble is afoot and he intends to stop Sullivan ant way he can.

 

Sullivan watches Yuki’s retreating back but he isn’t too worried because he knows that he will be the only one who will return to the Indomitable alive.

The other nine are now officially dead men walking.

 

Down in the ancient ice the parasite has been awoken by all of the human activity.

It knows that the time is nigh for a new beginning so it settles down to wait because it knows that soon it will feed.

 

Back at  the SS Indomitable Captain Isbister is bored.

You can only watch for polar bears and play solitaire for so long.

So he opens the bottom drawer of his desk and pulls out a bottle of bourbon

Just a shot or two to take away the boredom.

Where is the harm in that?

 

At 9 am the next morning the aussie and kiwi riggers are hard at work pulling up a probe that drilled way down into the ice.

When the probe reaches four thousand metres the parasite springs into action and hitches a ride to the surface.

At the drill site Randy Coultson the American navigator is helping the riggers bringing the probe to the surface.

He is thinking about his girlfriend back at home and how much he misses her.

At the same time that Randy is getting a hard on for his girlfriend the probe reaches the surface.

The parasite hones in on Randy’s frosty breath and and silently enters his left nostril.

Then after waiting for millennia the parasite crawls into Randy’s brain and begins to feed.

 

Randy rubs his nose as it begins to bleed plus he feels a bad headache coming on.

But he doesn’t want to let the team down so he tries to help the aussies and kiwis but he can’t keep going and collapses in the snow.

 

Sullivan notices Randy collapse and rushes over to help.

He couldn’t give a fuck about Coultson but his condition gives him an excuse to stop the drilling for the day.

 

Yuki has also been watching from the shadows.

He knows that captain Isbister is on a tight schedule so why shut down the operation because one man has a nose bleed?

He wants to confront Sullivan but decides to wait until he gets back to the cabin when he will radio the captain about the situation.

 

Back at the cabin Jose has prepared a meal of braised reindeer and potatoes but Randy isn’t hungry.

He is delirious laying on his bunk feeling like shit but at least his nose has stopped bleeding.

His clothes are drenched in sweat even though it is minus four outside.

Randy closes his eyes and prays for sleep.

 

Yuki is on the radio whispering to captain Isbister about how Sullivan is sabotaging the mission.

He tells the captain to communicate back to Axium and find out who Sullivan is really working for?

The captain doesn’t reply so all Yuki can do is hope that his message got through.

 

Aboard the Indomitable Captain Isbister  has polished off a whole bottle of bourbon and is asleep snoring loudly.

Nobody heard Yuki’s radio message it is now up to him to save his fellow workmates.

 

Sullivan is seething he has made a huge mistake not destroying that radio after talking to the captain yesterday.

Yukihiro Valdez Yamamoto will be the first to die and that is a promise.

 

After their meal the aussie and kiwi riggers begin to drink a beer or ten and soon the cabin is filled with their laughter.

As the riggers drink and carry on Sullivan watches as he waits for an opportunity to pounce.

He has to kill nine men before in the next day or so if he is to please his masters at Newflow and claim his one million dollar reward.

 

An hour later four of the riggers go outside to use the outhouse.

They are so drunk they don’t notice the biting wind or Sullivan who has followed them outside.

Sullivan pulls a knife from his hip pocket and with three quick jabs the riggers fall to the ground dead.

Then he drags the three bodies into the trees where the wolves should take care of the rest.

 

Yuki who has been laying on his bunk with one eye open notices Sullivan re enter the cabin and waits for the others to return.

But ten minutes and still no riggers Yuki screams at Sullivan ‘What have you done to the riggers you arsehole?

‘I knew from the start that you were trouble in  big way so now i will have to restrain you and take you back to the brig on the Indomitable’

 

While Sullivan and Yuki have been screaming at each other Randy has sat up in bed feeling like the living dead.

While he has been sleeping the parasite has fed on his brain and multiplied at an alarming rate

He is now nothing more then a barely functioning husk of a man.

But he still manages to crawl out of his bunk and make his way into the kitchen.

 

Sullivan and Yuki notice Randy as he walks into the room holding a huge meat cleaver.

They watch as Randy goes from bunk to bunk chopping almost decapitating his victims.

Jose tries to run but he is soon brought down as the cleaver almost cuts him in two.

 

Sullivan watches in amazement as  Jose falls in a fountain of blood.

Coultson has done the rest of the killing for him so now all he has to do is rid himself of the annoying Japanese engineer and he will be home free.

 

Randy looks at Sullivan and Yuki and takes a step toward them.

But for Randy his time is almost up the parasites have eaten most of his brain it is amazing that he is still standing.

He takes another step forward and raises the cleaver but then Randy;s eyes roll in his head and he falls to the ground stone cold dead.

 

Thousands of tiny parasites pour from Randy’s nose and mouth like rats abandoning a sinking ship.

Their host is dead and they need to find another if they are to survive.

And Sullivan is ripe for the picking

 

Sullivan tries to fight them off but is soon overcome as the parasites enter every hole in his body and begin to feed.

Sullivan can do nothing as he is slowly eaten alive.

 

With no time to lose Yuki grabs his suitcase and runs outside into the face of a blizzard

He jumps into the closest ATV and turns the key,nothing

The engine wont start.

Yuki screams in frustration as he turns the key again and again.

He is just about to give up when the engine splutters and fires.

Yuki doesn’t waste a second he floors it and gets the fuck out of there.

 

Yuki was concentrating so hard on trying to start the ATM that he didn’t notice a lone parasite land on the rear windcreen

He can barely see two feet in front of him as he drives toward the Indomitable.

The parasite wriggles over to the corner of the windscreen and breaches the rubber seal.

Now the parasite is inside the ATV.

 

Aboard the SS Indomitable captain Isbister is awoken by a truck horn blaring.

He reaches for his binoculars and looks out into the gloom and he notices a pair of headlights racing toward him.

As Yuki drives the final 500 metres to safety the parasite slithers along the roof lining and drops down onto Yuki’s hair.

It finds its way down onto an eyelash and enters Yuki’s body via an tear duct.

 

Yuki scrambles aboard the icebreaker when he is greeted by captain Isbister who quickly sobers up when Yuki begins to talk.’Captain we need to get out of here right now’

Captain i am telling you that we need to start the engines right this minute.’

Isbister shakes his head in sorrow ‘Sorry Yuki but we aren’t going anywhere because first we are stranded here until the blizzard breaks’

‘And second there isn’t anyone manning the engines’

‘We are the only two left alive’

 

Behind them a hand appears on the port side and begins to climb aboard.

 

Will Yuki and captain Isbister survive their ordeal?

To find out you will have to come back and read part two.

 

 

 

Eternal Thirst

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On the evening of the 20th March 2019 ten north Korean agents enter the united states through the Canadian border.

They haven’t travelled to the states to visit Disneyland or to see the sites of new York city.

Instead they are on a secret mission on the orders of their supreme leader Kin Jong-in.

Their mission is to create havoc and bring the united states of America to its knees.

 

1st March north korea

In the capitol Pyongyang Kim Jong-in is seething at the world and in particular president trump.

Since the U N imposed sanctions on his rogue nation he has struggled to keep his nuclear programme on schedule.

Plus he is loathe to fire any missiles at the united states directly,because he knows that trump will retaliate with his so called “fire and fury’.

So Jong-in has decided to attack by slealth and if he is successful president trump and his fellow Americans will be brought to their knees.

 

In a secret facility just outside of the capitol a young female scientist is hard at work developing a protein that that enzyme that will cover water molecules with a coating that will make it impossible foe people to ingest.

And after six months of working around the clock she believes that she has finally found the correct formula to satisfy the supreme leader.

The enzyme named MLD226 is now in the hands of the agents who have just infiltrated the USA ready to deliver fire and brimstone.

 

Those agents have split up and are on route to all corners of the states with each carrying a satchel full of MLD226.

Just a few drops of MLD226 is enough to poison a million gallons of water and after a week of crisscrossing the country fouling the waterways the agents mission is complete and they return home.

 

The MLD226 multiplies fast and in only a week it has flowed and seeped into every river creek and dam.

Now no American is safe and soon they will suffer a life worse then death

 

The Korean agents arrive home expecting a hero’s welcome and they are delighted when they are summoned to the supreme leaders lavish mansion.

Each of them is awarded the highest honour a medal declaring them hero’s of the people.

They drink champagne and eat food they have never tasted before and they hold their chests out as they shake the hand of their supreme leader.

But an hour later Kin Jong-in orders them arrested and the agents are driven to a field where they are blindfolded and shot by a firing squad and buried in an unmarked grave.

Now the secret of MLD226 is safe except for a young female scientist.

 

In Chicago Nancy Jones a vibrant 30 year old school teacher has just finished an intense workout at her local gym.

Nancy is desperate is lose weight and get in shape for her upcoming wedding and she is happy with the results so far.

She has a quick shower than sits on a bench to check her messages and have a drink of water.

She drinks her water bottle but is still thirsty so she refills it from a water cooler  and takes a long swallow but still she is thirsty so Nancy once again fills her bottle but after drinking she is even more parched.

So Nancy sits on the floor beneath the water cooler and drinks straight from the tap but after drinking a few gallons of water Nancy is feeling bloated but she cant stop drinking.

Nancy knows that she is in mortal danger but still she drinks,but her bladder can’t handle the volume of water and it bursts leaving Nancy Jones to die a slow agonising death.

 

All over the nation many Americans are experiencing similar symptoms of a persistant thirst that they cant squench.

The population drink glass after glass of water but are still thirsty

MLD226 is already starting to have a deadly effect.

 

People soon start to panic and break into stores in a desperate search for untainted water.

Supermarkets are stampeded as people drink water straight off the shelves.

But no matter how much they drink Americans all over their country cant quench their eternal thirst.

Soon the streets reek with the smell of urine as the population slowly dies from extreme dehydration

 

Hospitals and medical centres are over flowing as people seek a remedy for their relenting thirst.

But the doctors don’t know what  they are dealing with so their treatment has no effect to stop their fellow Americans from dying at a rapid rate.

 

The rivers and creeks soon fill with the bodies of people trying to drink the precious water but as their bodies start to decompose they have unknowingly made a deadly situation even worse.

 

On the Canadian and Mexican borders the authorites are stretched to the limit as they try to stop the exodus from the USA.

They don’t know why people are fleeing in panic from their homeland and one Canadian border guard fires his rifle to try calm the people but all he achieves to total mayhem as the people stampede across the borders.

Thousands of Americans have reached safety but millions of their countrymen are still in peril.

 

In the white house president trump is on twitter as he tries to find out what is killing his subjects.

For hours he sends tweet after tweet until that little blue bird refuses to tweet anymore.

He throws his cell phone away in disgust ‘How am I supposed to save my fellow Americans if I can’t tweet?’

 

He is interrupted in in is thoughts as the Director of the CIA storms into his office’Mr President you have to do something people are dying by the thousands and their in panic on the streets they need to see some leadership’

‘You need to address the nation and send in the national guard until we find out what is causing this disaster’

Trump runs his fingers through his hair ‘But Director what the fuck is going on? What is causing people to die in the streets?

Mr President we believe that some sort of contaminent has been added to the water supply’

‘And as we speak samples have been sent to the Centre of Disease Control for analysis so hopefully we will have an answer soon’

 

In north korea Li Lee Yum the young female scientist who developed MLD226 has also been summoned by the supreme leader.

She says goodbye to her fellow workers knowing that she might not make it back to work alive.

She is nervous because the supreme leader kidnapped her entire family a few months ago to give her even more incentive to complete her task.

And so she is hoping that her parents and her older brother are waiting for her when she arrives at the palace.

 

But when she arrives there is no sign of them as she is greeted by her supreme leader who shakes her hand ‘Welcome comrade Yum you have made your country very proud and it is my honour to present you with the medal of heroism’

As the supreme leader pins the award to her chest her eyes are drawn to a huge screen behind her leader.

CNN is broadcasting the latest news from the USA.

Her eyes widen in shock as she listens to the reporter telling the world that over two million Americans have lost their lives to dehydration

There is total chaos from coast to coast as  the population tries to quench the never ending thirst.

 

Li Lee Yum is grateful that her leader cant see her reaction as she watches the scenes from America.

She knew that when she was working on MLD226 that she was doing wrong but she also knew that she had little choice in the matter.

Because if she refused her supreme leader she and her family would have been executed on the spot

 

Plus Li Lee Yum is also guarding another secret.

She told the supreme leader that when MLD226 was being developed that the effects to the water in the USA would be permanent that there was no antidote but that was a lie.

Because within a month the water in America should return to normal as MLD226 starts to breakdown and dissolve.

So Li Lee Yum knows that she will have to find her family and escape north korea before the supreme leader finds out that she deceived him

 

At the Centre for Disease Control the director of the facility has his team of scientists working around the clock working on finding out what is fouling the water.

A few days later he is sitting at his desk when his phone rings

He listens as the lead scientist tells him that they have identified some elements of the enzyme that is poisoning the water

And that one element in particular,Omega 10, was originally found in north korea back in the 70’s.

 

The Director ends the call and immediately notifies the President.

 

In the oval office President Trump hangs up his phone and calls an emergency meeting.

Millions of his fellow Americans are dead and millions more might never recover from this act of terrorism.

And even though his recent phone call from the Director of the Disease Control Centre told him told north korea might be involved.

President Trump knows deep in his heart that his suspicions have been confirmed.

 

And when he gets the evidence he needs to bring the perpetrator to justice.

Then he will send the ‘little rocket man’ to a place hotter than hell

 

 

THE END

Part two is coming soon so keep an eye out.

An Aussie Abroad ( BC )

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I know that what i am about to do is a bad idea,but i do it anyway.

 

A friend of mine suggested that we grab a slab of beer and then test drive one of those segway contraotions.

The beer part sounds good but the segway bit has my knees a knocking.

You see i have no balance at all and can barely walk in a straight line now i am supposed to ride a segway.

I broke my arm riding a skateboard when i was a kid so i am not exactly thrilled with my friends idea but for a few beers i am up for the challenge.

But i also think that i should ring 000 and tell them to have an ambulance on standby.

 

By the way my name is Shaun Browne and i am 32 years old australian with brown hair and a full beard.

I like to have a few drinks at the pub with my mates after work and tell the odd tall story or two.

But this is going beyond a joke how am i supposed to ride a segway and somehow stay alive?

 

My mate Stephen Johnson has been in my ear for weeks with this segway crap.

He knows that i like to have my feet planted firmly on the ground

But a person can only take so much so we shake hands and agree to meet in the woolies car park at 8 pm.

 

I get there early and sink a few more beers and smoke a tasty bud working up some courage.

Stephen arrives and suggests that we have a bet to mark the occasion and after a bit of arguing we agree that the whoever rides the segway the longest without falling off will be declared the winner.

While the loser will have to run naked around the car park.

And no one needs to see my wobbly bits so that gives me a big incentive to win this bet.

 

Stephen tosses a coin to see who will go first i call heads and tails it is so i am not off to a good start.

I say a silent prayer and mount the segway and power up.

At this time of night in bundy the car park is almost empty with only a few scragglers doing some last minute shopping.

I hit the gas and take off real slow Stephen yells out ‘Come on Shaun get your finger out are you a man or a fucking mouse?’

 

Well i give a squeak and stroke my whiskers as i turn around and give him the finger.

Which was a huge mistake because i lost my centre of gravity and almost fell off.

Then a trolley boy decides to push his load right in my path ‘Shit’ I power up to avoid him and thought i had avoided a collision but one of the wheels must have hit the front trolley and i am airborne

But after performing a 360 with a half pike i land with style.

 

Stephen is jumping up and down waving his arms around like a madman and i wave back in triumph and give him a bow.

Then i hear the trolley boy scream in terror ‘Hey mister watch out’ I turn but have no time to react before i get flattened and smashed by a truck leaving the supermarket.

My last thought on earth was whether i will wind up in heaven or down in hell and i am pretty sure that i will soon be shaking hands with the devil.

 

Next thing i know i am floating on a fluffy cloud heading toward the biggest pair of gates that i have ever seen.

Then a figure appears and introduces himself ‘Hello Shaun my name is Saint Peter and i am the man in charge up here in heaven.But at the moment we are full so you might have a bit of a wait’

I am amazed that i made it up here and look over to those huge pearly gates in wonder’That is OK  Saint Peter i am a patient man take your time i can wait for years and years’

Saint Peter points over to a bench just near the gates and tells me to take a seat and wait until my name is called.

So i stroll over and make myself comfortable and wait.

 

I find myself walking along gravel path that winds its way through a brooding dark forest.

I immediately think of little red riding hood and the wicked witch and when i come to a bend in the path i am half expecting the big bad wolf to be lurking there.

But all i see is a big sign saying ‘Welcome To The Garden Of Eden’.

 

I walk into the garden and am surrounded by a grove of apple trees and as i go to pick a piece a voice pipes up behind me ‘ I wouldn’t do that if i was you,that fruit is forbidden’

I turn around to see a completely naked man standing there and he is well hung like a cashew.

I know that i shouldn’t really say anything but i point at the offending member ‘That thing should be covered at all times,use a fig leaf or something’

 

‘Adam where are thee? A young lady walks up to us ‘Hello Eve give us a kiss’

As Adam and Eve stand there holding hands i can’t help himself and i give Eve the once over.

But then i remember my loving fiance Anastasia and quickly avert my gaze.

 

Soon Adam and Eve are horizontal and really going for it

I reach into my pocket for my mobile phone so that i can record the action but don’t get the chance because Adam has finished already.

A serpent hands Eve an apple and she takes a bite of the forbidden fruit and well you know the rest.

I leave Adam and Eve as they smoke a cigarette and share a block of cadburys.

 

I keep walking along the path wondering what will happen next  when my beard starts to itch and tingle.

I scratch and scratch and a shitload of hair falls to the ground and i watch in amazement as my hair follicles start to form words

Head in a westerly direction until you reach the base of mount sinai  a well known local is about to make a big annoucement’

Well i have nothing better to do at the minute so i get my bearings and head west.

 

As i walk my beard is still annoying me as it tingles full of static

I know one thing that it isn’t full of and that is food crumbs.I havent

eaten anything since starting since crazy adventure and i would do anything for a pie and sauce.

And i would kill for some chips with gravy and a couple of pints.

 

As i get closer to my destination my salivary glands are working overtime.

Hopefully there will be a food van in the car park.

A kebab a works burger maybe even a custard tart,i haven’t had one of those in years.

Even a fucking frozen sausage roll

Just give me some food.

 

But when i arrive at the base of the mountain there isn’t a food van in sight there isn’t even a car park. ‘Where do they park they park their chariots?’

I walk towards the summit where i come across an old man with crazy hair.

This must be Moses.

Hi Moses i am Shaun,so what is the big announcement? ‘Well my son i plan to climb to the top of this mountain and then i will part the red sea’

I have another look at Moses and he reminds me of Albert Einstein having another bad hair day ‘Ah no offence Moses but it looks to me that you having trouble parting your hair let alone trying to part a sea’

 

Moses doesn’t seem to be discouraged by my words and starts to climb towards the summit.

When we arrive Moses raises his arms to the sky and starts to yabber in one of those foreign languages latin or hebrew i think.

And to my amazement the red sea begins to part with waves 100 feet or more filling the landscape.

Rolling and tumbling they form the perfect tube.

 

‘Jesus Christ on a fucking stick look at the size of those waves’ I realise that what i said might not be appropriate in my present company ‘Sorry Moses just a slip of the tongue’

Hey Moses can you should come home with me and part my local break,it would be a huge hit with the nippers’

But Moses isn’t listening he is bending down searching for something in the grass and after a few seconds he lifts up two huge stone thingymebobs.

What you got there Moses? Well my son these two tablets are inscribed with the ten commandments’

‘Tablets? you say Moses what sort have you got?’

 

Just then my beard starts to tingle and itch real bad.

I scratch and scratch and i realise that i am over this travelling adventure stuff now all i want to do is go back to the pearly gates and wait my turn.

But i cant resist looking down to see what words are written in the sand ‘Look for a cave just east of Jerusalem there you will meet your maker.Find the cave and you will be a chosen one’

 

I sigh as i read the words and my stomach reminds me that is it empty.

OK one last trip then i am out of here.

So i head off toward Jerusalem  with my stomach still screaming and after a couple of hours i am at my wits end.

Then from the corner of my eye i sense some movement and as i look over i see a huge boulder being pushed aside.

And a robed figure steps out from the opening of a cave.

Congratulations Shaun you are you only person to witness my resurrection please come to me my son’

I look at the somewhat familiar figure and i know that i have seen this bloke before and then it dawns on me ‘Jesus Jesus is that really you?

‘Yes Shaun i am Jesus of Nazareth the son of God the creator of all beings’

‘Jesus Jesus i cant believe that i am actually talking to you but can i ask you for a big favour?’

‘Maybe you can perform one of your miracles and whip up some tucker because you see Jesus i haven’t eaten in such a long time’

‘What would you like my son? My speciality is forty loaves and forty fish plus i also can turn water into wine’

 

‘Jesus Jesus there is no need to go to so much trouble just one loaf  and a snapper will surely hit the spot’

than Jesus surprises me when he replies in an aussie accent ‘No worries Shaun,i will prepare a meal of Barramundi and piping hot damper’

‘Cool Jesus you haven’t by any chance got a esky full of tooheys new nearby?’

‘Sorry my son i can turn water into wine but not into bottled beer’

No worries JC  just thought i would ask’

 

‘Jesus does his thing and before i know it i am chowing down on fresh damper and barra.

I dig in with enthusiasm and swallow every bite with zeal

‘Great meal Jesus you should open your own restaurant’

Jesus doesn’t reply he just bows his head in prayer and soon i am praying along with him.

Then i remember the voice telling me that if i found the cave i would become a chosen one.

 

I raise my head to see Jesus looking at me ‘Don’t worry my son i have some special plans for you.

My mind goes into free fall,what does Jesus mean?

I have met Saint Peter plus there is a Saint Paul a Saint Luke and plenty of other saints so why not a Saint Shaun?

 

‘Shaun Shaun Shaun wake up you have to go to work’

‘God what now i was just about to be canonised and was having a great time with Jesus.

I feel someone shaking me and i open my eyes to see Anna leaning over me ‘Shaun if you don’t get out of bed i will kick your arse all the way to Brisbane.

So it is no Saint Shaun for me but it is good to be home with the love of my life.

 

 

THE END