‘Goiter ( 2 ) Soul Sacrifice’

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In the first installment of this adventure I introduced you to Bernie Torrence a 35 year old retail manager from Sacramento California who had been experiencing severe stomach pain for a week.

Almost collapsing one morning while preparing to go to work all Bernie could do was stagger back to back where he hoped that the good lord would come down and carry him away.

Around lunchtime Bernie watched in horror as his stomach distended and began to swell like an over ripe watermelon and from his belly button emerged a tiny human figure ‘Hello my name is Audley Creed are you my mommy?’

Still recovering from giving birth Bernie can barely manage a whisper in reply ‘I suppose I am your mommy Audley but I am also your daddy as well’

With a squelch the rest of Audley’s body enters the world still joined to his mommy/daddy by an umbilical.

All Bernie can do is stare at the ugliest baby ever known and soon Audley will turn into the goiter from hell.

In the first few days of their acquaintance Bernie and Audley fight abd bicker over anything and everything but they both agree that Bernie is in no fit condition to return to work as the manager of the local supermarket

Bills need to be paid and now there is another mouth to feed so with no other options Bernie proposes that they appear on ‘Australia’s Got Talent’

with Audley pretending to be a ventriloquist’s dummy.

Audley isn’t keen on the idea but with no alternative he reluctantly agrees.

After a week of rehearsals they appear on the talent show and to their complete astonishment they win the audition but Audley isn’t happy with their stage name and wants it changed from ‘Torrence & Creed’ to ‘Creed & Friend’

Bernie cant believe how ungrateful the little turd is so he decides to have a few drinks to drown his sorrows and there is an upside to his alcohol intake and that is that the beer flows through his system along the umbilical cord causing Audley to become violently sick and sorry.

But not sorry enough apparently.

When Bernie fell asleep Audley chewed his way through the cord binding the two together than he wrapped the bloody appendage around Bernie’s throat in an attempt to strangle him.

Waking in fright Bernie fought for his life and managed to grab a pair of nail clippers and stab the little monster in his right eye.

Holding a hand over his face Audley flees the scene and disappears into the night.

Bernie breath’s a sigh of relief as he watches his offspring run, now hopefully now his life will return to some sort of normality.

PART TWO.

Audley stumbles along a backstreet knowing that if he doesn’t get his facial injury seen to quickly he will more than likely bleed to death before sunrise.

But luckily for him a passing paramedic notices his predicament and pulls over to offer some assistance

The two paramedics are stunned at the extent of the injury and all they can do is remove the damaged organ and apply a bandage until they transport the patient to hospital.

Audley knows that he cant let his two saviours take him to hospital where surely the cops will be summons and they would ask a lot of questions about how did he manage to be stabbed in the eye.

But being only two foot tall Audley knows that he will need help if he is get away from the paramedics.

And without an ounce of regret he calls on an inner demon and in a puff of smoke his maker the devil appears reducing his sons enemies to nothing but two piles of cinders and bone.

Bernie still cant believe that the boy that he brought into this world is just an evil motherfucker who tried to throttle him with his own umbilical cord.

When Audley fled after failing in his attempt to kill his parent he ripped the umbilical cord from Bernie’s body.

Bleeding profusely Bernie knows that he is in mortal danger so he to calls upon an inner strength.

‘God as you know I am not a believer but if you do exist can you please heal my wounds so that I can find Audley Creed and beat the shit out of him and bring him to justice before he can harm anyone else.

( As he whispered his prayer Bernie had no way of knowing that Audley with some help from the dark side has already committed the ultimate sin twice )

‘And God if you really really do exist can you please deposit $ 1 million into my bank account to pay for my funereal if you cant find in your heart to save me ‘

‘But if I do survive I promise to spend the money on my quest to track down Creed and a little on beer hookers and sundry expenses etc etc etc.

Thank you Jesus thank you Lord.

Audley Creed is almost back to his old self after the Devil held his hot trident to his eye suturing the cavity closed.

Losing an eye is a inconvenience but it is a small price to pay to be able to follow his father into the darkness.

Being the Devil’s spawn gives him a huge advantage in ensuring that all goodness and well being is destroyed forever so now the bad men in the black hats will bring pestilence and corruption for eternity.

Bernie wakes from a deep sleep with a slight headache and a full bladder.

As he stands before the throne is surprised that he doesn’t feel any more pain from his injured stomach and when he lifts his shirt he is surprised to discover that the massive wound is healed ,there isn’t even a scar.

Thank you Jesus thank you lord.

Feeling the best he has in years Bernie goes into town to celebrate the second he has been given at life but first he has to visit the bank to check if a second miracle has befallen him.

After standing in a queue for 20 minutes Bernie asks the teller if she could check the balance of his account when she tells him that currently he has $1,000,527 available.

‘Oh my God Bernie did you win the lottery or something’

Bernie has no words all he can do is sit down before he falls down.

After running a few errands Bernie still cant believe that he has over $1 million in the bank.

If God is willing to give him a shitload of money maybe he could ask for a fridge full of beer that never runs out or free flights to anywhere for the rest of his life.

He is still smiling as he pulls into his driveway when his phone pings alerting him that he has a new message.

The message is from a PRIVATE NUMBER and Bernie wouldn’t normally reply to a message from anyone hiding behind their device but this time he relents ‘Hello Bernie God here ,don’t push your luck because what I giveth I can easily take back’

“To earn your money Bernie you need to find Audley Creed and destroy his evil soul because he has just teamed up with the Devil and together those two could threaten the very existence of mankind’

‘Kill the fucker Bernie kill him dead Yours Truly God’

The message instantly disappears from the screen leaving Bernie to wonder whether having $ 1 million is really worth the hassle.

500 miles away Audley is wandering the streets of San Diego seeking food and a place to rest for the night.

He now sports a black patch over the ruined eye and every now and then he will rub the spot where his eye used to be and when he rubs Audley thinks about Bernie Torrence the man who gave birth to him and how good it will feel to slowly torture the cunt then send him on a one way ticket to hell where he will meet his original father ,the Devil.

As he saunters along he pretends not to notice the looks strangers give him as they pass by him.

It isn’t easy being two foot tall with an eye patch with a shock of orange hair.

If only the fuckers knew that with only a whisper he could have them all burnt to a crisp.

When he gets close to Jefferson Park he notices a huge big top tent set up.

The circus must be in town.

A dozen or so people have formed a line to buy tickets and Audley attempts to pass unnoticed but no such luck’Hey freak where are you going? You should join the circus because you would fit right in’

Audley eyes the creep with eyes of fire ( I should say eye of fire ) and the mouth seeing the danger in the little freaks features backs away.

Audley could easily call his father to burn the fucker but he doesn’t want to attract too much attention to himself before the Devil can end existence as we know it.

The owner of the circus a huge bear of a man who closely resembles the serial killer Ed Kemper eyes Audley suspiciously as he approaches.

Lowell Payne is not only obese but he is meaner than a wolverine and he doesn’t take kindly to trespassers ‘Hey asshole where in the fuck do you think you are going? This is private property so go back and stand in line like everybody else’

Audley looks up at the giant feeling a little like Jack in the beanstalk ‘I don’t want to buy a ticket you dumb chunk of shit. I need a place to stay for a while so shut the fuck up and give me a job and stop wasting my time’

Lowell is about to squash the potty mouthed tom thumb like a bug but he has to admit that the one eyed midget has a lot of spunk plus he is the perfect size to get shot from a cannon ‘Okay Tom I hope you have a head for heights and like the smell of gunpowder’

Today must be your lucky day because it just happens that there is a current vacancy so be here at 7 o’clock sharp tomorrow morning and don’t be late’

‘My name is Audley Creed asswipe and don’t you forget it’

‘I have nowhere else to go so I will start immediately ,now show me where I can bunk down for the night and make it snappy’

For once in his life Lowell Payne is lost for words and he glumly leads Audley to a bunch of trailers out the back.

As he follows his new boss Audley rubs the patch over his right eye with one hand while his other hand gingerly touches a pair of nodules breaking through the skin on both sides of his head.

Audley’s horns are making an appearance.

At home Bernie is perched on the edge of his seat demolishing a can of Millers Lite as he ponders the best way to locate Creed without earning the wrath of the Devil and the hell of horrors.

God has graciously given him a lot of cash and hopefully he can catch Creed without spending too much of the heavenly money.

But all that can wait until tomorrow because right now he has plans to sink a few more beers and watch some porn on the XXX channel.

Hopefully God will have his back turned and his hands out of his pockets.

Not quite in the mood just yet Bernie channel surfs and soon comes across a documentary on CBN about the plight of millions of refugees and misplaced people the world over who had to flee their homes to escape poverty and government corruption.

Transfixed Bernie forgets all about pleasuring himself watching porn and his beer is now flat and unappealing.

He vows then and there to help his fellow human beings even if it means spending every cent of God’s kind donation.

Bernie’s phone once again pings and PRIVATE NUMBER lights up the screen and this time Bernie answers immediately ‘Hello Bernie good to see that you are going to help the people because I cant do it all by myself’

Bernie you will need to use your generous heart to destroy Audley Creed because if you try to fight fire with fire you will lose and than the Devil and his one eyed apprentice will drag you down to hell where you will burn and smoulder for damnation’

Before Bernie can get a word in the message again deletes automatically and once more the born again Christian ponders whether having a lot of money is worth getting roasted alive down in the Devils basement.

He will to remember to go to the drug store and buy some super doper sunburn cream.

At the circus Audley is making a lot of new friends even though he knows that soon they will all be burning a slow burn.

He is rooming with lobster boy who has claws instead of hands plus rubber man who would win the game twister every single time.

Every day he has lunch with his room mates ,the bearded lady and a few of the clowns who all help him adjust to circus life under the big top.

Getting shot out of a cannon three times a day takes a lot of getting used to especially the hot wick burning his butt and the safety net could be a tad wider.

Audley no longer rubs his eye patch even though the still holds a hate for Bernie Torrence.

He now rubs the two horns that recently sprouted on his head.

Like father like son.

Bernie is now a fully fledged man of God and now he walks the street in a long white gown and has let his hair grow’

The only disappointment is his scraggly beard that wouldn’t look out of place on a pimply faced teenager.

He bought himself a bible from a secondhand store and reads the scriptures to anyone who will listen and next week Bernie will celebrate the opening of a new soup kitchen.

Audley along with two pointy horns now has an itch above his butt crack where a tail is beginning to form plus his skin is now a deep red colour.

He is now officially a little Devil.

And his new appearance hasn’t gone unnoticed Lowell Payne who is keen to cash in because when it comes to the circus there is no such thing as too many freaks.

Audley is due at the office to pick up his pay check and when he does Lowell will tell him days of getting shot from a cannon are over because now is will be the circus’s new star attraction Lil’ Lucifer.

Lowell is busy calculating how much money his new freak will bring to the circus when the horned one enters his office.

Audley takes a seat and listens as his boss tells him about his new role but as Lowell talks his balls do a somersault in their sac when he comes to realise that Audley is actually a readers digest condensed version of the prince of darkness a real life Devil with horns a tail red skin and a temper to match.

Realizing the danger that he is in Lowell attempts to flee but the one eyed mini lucifer is having none of that and he rubs his hands together furiously causing sparks to fly around the room disorientating the scared circus owner.

Then Audley swings his newly formed tail and the barbs on the end sink into Lowell’s rotund belly who falls to the ground sirloined and purloined.

Lowell Payne is now nothing more than fresh kibble.

The Devil is watching his protégé on CCTV live from his over heated basement with pride burning his black heart.

His demon seed is progressing well and if all goes as planned planet earth will become a wasteland.

Satisfied that Lowell has been burnt to a crisp Audley gathers up his tail and runs outside where he shoots more sparks into the big top and into his co- workers trailers.

Then he stands back and watches as flames ignite spreading quickly devouring the tent and trailers and all persons within.

All up that night 280 people lost their lives as evil tries to take control from the good and steal the souls from the living.

Bernie Torrence is busy in his kitchen serving up the soup of the day and as he ladles out another bowl of chicken noodle soup to one of his regulars his eyes steal a glance ata small TV attached to a wall.

His eyes widen in alarm and recognition as he listens to a news report from San Diego.

He becomes increasingly worried as the reporter ,Penny Waffleon gushes ‘News just coming in from San Diego ,a fire has burnt down the big top and surrounding trailers of a visiting circus killing all 230 patrons and circus workers’

‘Even more disturbing is that the police believe that the fire was deliberately lit with an eye witness telling them that he saw a person of a small stature fleeing the scene.’

‘The suspect is described as being only two feet tall with a patch over his right eye and I know this will sound strange but he perpetrator is said to has horns and a long tail’

Now over to Dan Druff with the weather ,Dan’

Bernie tells his cook to take over and he rushes out to his car and begins the two hour drive to San Diego.

As he drives Bernie half expects God to ring with instructions on how to stop a sunburnt midget from starting complete mayhem.

When he reaches his destination Bernie still hasn’t heard a peep from his maker but he isn’t that concerned because he can feel God’s presence all around him.

The area around the crime scene is taped off with homicide detectives scanning the surrounds looking for clues but unfortunately there is no sign of Audley Creed.

50 metres away Audley smiles when he sees his Bernie over near the police containment line.

He has taken refuge behind a dumpster having been unable to escape and so far he has managed to stay hidden from the cops.

Now with his birth father unknowingly coming to his rescue Audley knows exactly what he needs to do.

Unseen he sidles up beside his dad and grabs hold of his hand.

Bernie almost died there and then when he looked down and saw who was holding his hand immediately he tried to break free but Audley was holding him in a vice like grip, ‘Why you little Devil you are even more evil than I ever imagined and you are definitely no son of mine so just give up and accept your punishment’

Before Bernie can alert the police he falls to his knees in intense pain and to his astonishment his belly button from where he gave birth to Audley opens up and the evil little fucker crawls inside like a joey kangaroo returning to the pouch.

The genie is back in the bottle.

The Devil is disappointed that his protégé couldn’t achieve his objective this time because he has been waiting for eons to bring darkness to mankind so a few more months shouldn’t make much difference.

Up amongst the clouds God is relieved that the ultimate fight has been put on hold for a while and he is still confident that Bernie want let him down.

Plus if he needs to step in and perform a miracle or two to help save humanity than he will.

THE END

PART THREE is coming soon so keep an eye out.

Incognito Mosquito

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It is 8 pm and Dr Stefan Johansson is checking his emails before calling it a night.

58 year old Johansson is a world renowned genetic scientist who is minor celebrity in his native Sweden after he won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2016 after he developed a simple blood test for the early detection of certain cancers.

A breakthrough that has the potential to save millions of lives worldwide.

For the last few months he has been working on a new treatment for malaria and the results so far are very promising.

But on the Wednesday evening Stefan is feeling a little apprehensive as he reads an email from his superior at Stockholm’s Centre of Genetics and Disease Control Professor Marke Pietermann.

Stefan is certain that Pietermann is jealous of his success so getting summoned to the Professor’s office at 9 am tomorrow morning can be nothing but bad news.

Stefan arrives a few minutes before nine the following morning and knocks on Pietermann’s office door ‘Good morning Dr Johansson I trust you slept well? Would you like a cup of coffee before I get down to business or shall I begin?’

Stefan looks at the mousy little man and nods for him to continue ‘Dr Johansson what I am about to tell will come as a complete shock to you but I am sorry to tell you that because of a huge cut to the Centre’s budget for the next financial year you have become excess to our requirements’

It takes Stefan a few seconds to comprehend what his asshole boss just said but when the words finally sink in the explodes out of his chair in rage.

‘Excess to your requirements! You really are a pompous prick aren’t you? I have won the Nobel Peace Prize for god sake and I am on the verge of a huge breakthrough in the treatment of malaria and you tell me that I am excess to your requirements! what a prize cunt you are Pietermann’

‘Calm down Dr Johansson there is no need for the foul language’

A scientist of your standing and reputation will have no trouble finding a new position’

‘Please clean out your desk and vacate the premises before 11 am Dr Johansson and make sure that any documents and research papers you have in your office stay here at the Centre because I am sure that I and a few of my colleagues will be able to finish what you started. Good day Dr Johansson’

Stefan cant believe what he is hearing and before he can control his rage he lands a vicious punch to the jaw of his former boss ‘See you in hell asshole’

Rubbing his knuckles Stefan rushes to his office and tosses any documents relating to his research into a wastepaper basket and sets it on fire than after wiping the hard drive on his computer clean.

After a quick look around to make sure he hasn’t left anything that Pietermann and his cronies can use he strides towards the door than it a fit of madness he opens a sealed glass cabinet and removes a vial of a virulent strain of malaria and slips it into a coat pocket.

A loud knock on the door startles Stefan and he turns to see an armed security guard standing on the threshold ‘ Sorry Dr Johansson but I have been ordered to escort you off the premises immediately’

Humiliated and despondent Stefan follows the guard out to the carpark and into the unknown.

Later that same day Stefan is arrested for assault and battery and is consequently sentenced by a judge to thirty days in prison.

Because of his status in the scientific world his arrest and imprisonment make headline news across Sweden.

All networks cover the story and the nation hears the sad tale of how a former Nobel Peace Prize winner can be reduced to nothing but a common criminal all because of Pietermann’s jealousy and greed.

Stefan was going to use his new treatment for malaria for the common good of people across the globe but now with a heart full of black is quest now is to wipe humanity from this planet starting with Professor Marke Pietermann but it will have to look like an accident because he would be suspect number one in a murder case.

Stefan is released from prison a month later and there was one good thing to come out of his confinement and that was that it gave him plenty of time to think and the one thing that he constantly thought about was using the mosquito’s that he has in his laboratory in his garage at home to create the ultimate murder weapon.

Working day and night Stefan hardly eats and survives on three hours sleep a night as he concentrates on creating a mosquito with wings that beat silently so they can approach their victim in slealth mode.

Also the incognito mosquito’s will possess a titanium outer shell that will make the mozzies virtually unsquashable.

And almost twelve months after his release twelve matt black Mosquito’s hover noiselessly over a petri dish than they settle on the edge of the dish and dip their tweeters in the blood and begin to feed.

The blood is laced with the nasty strain of malaria that Stefan stole from the Centre on the day he was fired.

Now he watches his proteges drink with hungry eyes knowing that the day of reckoning is fast approaching.

Any day now his squadron of modified mozzies will be ready to seek and destroy.

At his house in one of Stockholm’s most prestigious suburbs Professor Marke Pietermann is enjoying a rare evening without any paperwork to attend to so he opens a bottle of cognac and pours a snifter of the amber liquid and settles down to watch the opera on his huge ass TV.

After the fourth glass Pietermann wouldn’t have noticed if a herd of elephants entered the room so he never saw or felt twelve twerking tweeters pierce the skin on the back of his neck and start to drink his blood as they pumped him full of poison.

Watching through binoculars from across the street Stefan smiles in triumph when Pietermann collapses to the floor as the murderous mosquito’s continue to bleed him dry and fill him with malaria.

Satisfied with a job well done Stefan places a petri dish full of his own blood on a nearby window sill and a few minutes later his dozen accessories to murder land on the dish and the thirteen murderers head on home.

A week later Stefan is relaxing at home getting used to doing a whole lot of nothing when his thoughts are interrupted by the ringing of his landline ‘Good morning Dr Johansson my name is Greta Gunn and I know that you and Professor Pietermann didn’t exactly see eye to eye but I thought that I should call you and let you know that the Professor died last Friday’

‘I am sorry to hear the sad news Greta but who are you exactly?’

‘Oh I am sorry Doctor I really should have introduced myself better, I was Professor Pietermann’s assistant here at Stockholm’s Centre of Genetic’s and Disease Control and I don’t wish to sound insensitive but the Professors untimely death has created a vacancy here T the Centre and the board wants to know if you would be interested in filling the vacancy?’

‘Why thank you Greta could you please tell the board that I would be delighted to take up their kind offer’

‘I will certainly inform the board of your acceptance would you be available to begin your tenure here first thing Monday morning?’

‘Sure thing Greta I shall see you then’

Stefan can’t help but smile at the irony it seems that murder does pay.

Out in the garage the twelve masquerading Mosquito’s are having a snack on their masters blood as they dip their tweeters into another petri dish.

They are all grateful for the meal but they are growing increasingly bored by the lack of action

They like drinking blood like any other Mosquito but these mozzies were bred to kill and kill and so far business has been slow.

As his squadron of killer mosquito’s wait impatiently out in the garage in his plush living room Stefan is getting ready for his first day back working for his former employer.

How sweet it will be to sit on Pietermann’s office chair and enjoy the trappings as he bathes in the glory that he so richly deserves.

Killing Pietermann turned Stefan’s life completely around going from dust to diamonds and dreams into reality or so Stefan thinks.

Because sometimes a diamond can actually be a fake and the best dreams and turn into your worst nightmare.

At home Stefan’s pet mozzies have gone completely stir crazy.

They desperately need a fresh blood meal evertday not the stale out of date liquid their master expects them to drink plus their tweeters are aching to stab and slash a new victim.

The leader of the troop is a large mosquito named Fletcher Christian who has a blood lust greater than a vampire on heat and he takes it upon himself to organize a mutiny.

A vote is taken and it is agreed that their master is no longer fit to control their destiny so the twelve desperado’s decide that having outlived his usefulness Stefan has to go

As the mosquito’s plot his demise Stefan is in his new office struggling to with the role he played in the killing of Pietermann, he doesn’t regret the murder itself but the constant fear that the police will come knocking on his door in the middle of the night and drag him off to prison again.

Just after 2 pm the dozen mutinous mozzies land on a window sill at Stockholms Centre of Genetic’s and Disease Control and their leader Fletcher Christian orders his troops to fly inside and immobilize anyone that they come across while he will search for their master and dispose of him.

The twelve incognito mosquito’s fly silently from office to office feeding on their victims as they inject their payload of misery.

Some of the unfortunate’s receive a lethal dose of malaria while others will live to fight another day.

Stefan is busy working and has no idea that his twelve creations has staged a mutiny with him being the priority target.

He is concentrating on his computer screen and doesn’t sense the presence of Fletcher Christian hovering behind him.

Christian lands on the back of Stefan’s neck with the intention of killing his victim but at the last second he changes his mind and pushes his tweeter which is now the size of a hypodermic needle in between C4 and C5 vertebrate leaving Stefan immobile for life he will never walk again.

Christian hovers in front of his victims eyes so he can see who inflicted the damage and is now the new master.

Stefan can do nothing but watch as one of his creatures flies off to inflict more damage.

Christian joins his squadron on the window sill.

They have all drunk so much blood over the last couple of days and have grown to an enormous size for a mosquito.

The twelve now resemble sleek stealth bombers with the menace of a pit bull and I pity anyone who gets in their way.

Before they head home Christian decides to fly a final mission down to the lower just to make sure that they haven’t missed another human full of fresh blood.

Dr Frank Gruber a German scientist on loan to the Centre is working alone in his sealed laboratory unaware of the carnage upstairs.

He is wearing a full body protective suit and draws oxygen from a tank strapped to his back.

Before on a counter is a petri dish containing smallpox 35687 one of the deadliest diseases known to mankind.

When the dozen mosquito’s reach the lower level Christian immediately notices the human in the laboratory.

They congregate around a small glass panel searching for access but the glass is two inches thick and the walls of the lab are twice the thickness but made from top grade titanium designed to withstand a nuclear blast.

Surely enough to hold up against a strike from a dozen stealth mosquito’s?

Christian spends an hour searching for a way inside but the laboratory is sealed tighter than a gnat’s asshole.

Desperate to gain access to the blood source Christian flies twenty yards back from the small glass panel.

He takes off as fast as a ballistic bullet and slams into the panel.

At first the glass holds firm but after the third attack a small hairline crack appears than when Christian slams into the glass for the 25th time the glass shatters and the twelve thirsty mozzies fly inside.

Dr Gruber has been watching in horror as the metal creature repeatedly slammed into the glass panel but he was confident that it would withstand the attack.

But the mosquito is relentless and when the glass finally shattered Gruber could do nothing to prevent twelve marauders from entering his lab.

All he can hope for is that his protective will do its job and lucky for Gruber it does.

After wasting time and energy for over ten minutes trying to get to the humans blood Christian calls a halt to the attack and the twelve mozzies land on a petri dish to rest and hopefully a drink.

But the petri dish holds no liquid just a shitload of small spores that hold little interest to a blood sucking mosquito so after a brief rest the twelve take to the sky unaware that they have all ingested enough small pox to kill every man woman and child all over northern Europe.

Perhaps enough to wipe out humanity on earth.

THE END

Who will save the day?

Maybe time is up for mankind.

To find out if anyone on this planet will survive past 2019 you will need to come back and read part two if you and I are still alive.

‘Ribbons Of Blood (5) The Final Chapter’

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This story began about a year ago when acclaimed novelist Victor Bradstreet suffering a terrible bout of writers block drove to his cabin in the woods in rural Virginia to gain some inspiration.

Close to his destination he stopped at Alberts General Store to buy some supplies.

As he wandered the aisles Victor noticed an old beat up Olivetti typewriter sitting on a clearance table.

Thinking that the typewriter might be a lucky charm and inspire him to write again he bought the machine and went on his way.

On the first night while Victor slept the Olivetti typed a novel that went on to become a bestseller .

Afraid that the typewriter would steal his thunder Victor set fire to the machine in his backyard and despite being badly damaged the Olivetti refused to die and after recuperating it attacked Victor .

Unleashing it’s ink ribbons the typewriter strangled Victor than consumed his body without leaving a single drop of blood behind.

Over the following weeks the typewriter also disposed of Victors publisher Penelope Clutterbuck his daughter Abigail plus the investigating officer Detective Mike Peterson.

The Olivetti also killed a brave K9 dog named Monty owned by Trooper Clyde Ybanez.

The Olivetti was eventually captured by the FBI and imprisoned.

It was executed by firing squad than smelted down and recycled into steel cans.

But once again the Olivetti wasn’t ready to die and tiny pieces of steel detached from the cans and travelled along the highway all the way to Springwood Virginia and into the basement of the house owned by none other than Trooper Ybanez.

There the tiny pieces of steel melded together and three days later the Olivetti was back with a vengeance.

Startled to see the Olivetti in his basement Ybanez decides to use the murderous machine for his own selfish needs.

When his K9 dog Monty was killed by the typewriter Ybanez was tormented by two of his fellow officers,Detectives Kevin Godley and Lionel Crème.

Luring the two Detectives to a motel on the outskirts of town Trooper Ybanez waits down in the carpark and watches the two Detectives enter room 6 where they were ambushed and consumed by the hungry machine.

Feeling ashamed by what he has done Clyde and feeling the need to get rid of the evidence he wraps the unsuspecting typewriter in duct tape.

He loads the machine into his car and drives to a campground that he used to visit back in his younger days.

Feeling distraught and frightened Clyde failed to notice that the duct tape was beginning to fray.

He carried the Typewriter to the edge of a long drop shitter and threw it deep into the brown.

Rubbing his hands together thinking that his ordeal is finally over turns away to return home when he is taken by surprise as the typewriter unleashes the ribbons of blood.

They wrap around his throat and pull him down into the poo of turds.

‘Oh shit’ were Clyde’s last words before hit the surface and sank.

The Final Chapter

When he hit the murky water Trooper Ybanez had the good sense to close his mouth and hold his breath.

As the typewriter and Clyde sink deeper and deeper into the muck luckily for the trooper the Olivetti releases its stranglehold and wraps the ink ribbons around a tree root six feet below the surface.

Clyde has been holding his breath for over a minute and he knows that he hasn’t much time before he succumbs so using his police training plus hundreds of sessions spent in the gym he manages to grapple up the ribbons and stand on the root leaving only his face above the surface.

He just hopes that no one comes to use the shitter because he is right in the firing line .

But at the same it might be his only chance to escape from this hell hole.

Travelling salesman Dave Jenkins is in a happy mood because he is heading after ten days on the road , he nods his head to a classic Deep Purple song as he thinks about seeing his wife and kids again.

His stomach is full after pigging out on a huge bowl of chilli at a truck stop a half hour ago.

But as Purple gives way to Aerosmith Daves stomach starts to grumble and complain.

At first he isn’t that concerned because he has eaten chilli a thousand times before and it has always been a case of winding the window down and letting a few go and all in well in the world .

But now Dave knows that he doesn’t find a restroom soon than things could turn messy.

Dave clenches his butt cheeks tight as he desperately search looks out for a rest stop sign .

As his gut screams for mercy Dave realises that maybe he shouldn’t have eaten the chilli so fast but having not had anything to eat all day he scoffed down the bowl in record time and now he is paying a heavy price.

Than a huge sign catches his eye ‘South End Campground ‘ two miles ahead.

Breathing a huge sigh of relief Dave parks close to a shitter and walks inside loosening his belt and dropping his pants before taking a seat above a long drop.

Feeling exposed Dave just wants to do his business and be on his way but nothing is happening.

‘That would be right ,I am ready to launch a torpedo but the hatch is closed’

Below Dave’s lily white butt Trooper Ybanez was close to giving up hope of being rescued plus half expecting the Olivetti to grab him by the ankles and drag him down.

‘HELP’ he screams up to the nasty looking crack blocking the sun.

Peering down between his legs Dave is surprised to see a face staring up at him ‘What are you doing down there son ? Did you fall in ?’ Never mind just hang on and I will go fetch some rope’

Pulling up his pants Dave grabs a length of rope and hurries back to the trapped shit covered soul.

In all of the excitement his bowels have turned to concrete and it will probably take a jackhammer to gouge out his next stool.

But he can’t worry about that now,he has a man to save and there and there is no time to lose.

Trooper Ybanez is down to his last reserve ‘s of strength when the rope is lowered down into the abyss .

He quickly ties the rope under his arms and gives it a yank’OK pull me up before my entire world turns to shit’

Dave yells’Hang on buddy,i will tie the other end to my bumper and get you out of there’

And a minute later a brown water logged figure is pulled from the hole.

Dave appears with a blanket and a bottle of water but the stench stops him in his tracks. ‘Holy shit buddy ,you smell worse than a dead skunk left out in the sun too long’

Clyde wants to scream at his rescuer ‘Well I have been stuck down in a shitter for over seven hours’ but he just smiles glad to be alive.

He peels off his shit soaked clothes and shivers in shock as the good Samaritan hoses him down from head to toe ‘There you go buddy almost as good as new ,now wrap yourself in the blanket and I can be on my way’

The two men embrace “Thanks for saving my life Dave ,my name is Clyde Ybanez by the way,if you are ever down near Springwood call in and I will buy you a beer’ Dave waves farewell and drives away,

Clyde waits a minute to compose himself before climbing into his car and heads home hoping that he never sets foot in that campground again.

Before he joins the highway he glances back at the shitter and screams at the Olivetti ” Die motherfucker die’

Fifteen feet beneath the fetid water a muffled voice replies “see you soon Trooper Ybanez see you soon’

Three months later

Trooper Ybanez has returned to the Springwood police department in the K9 unit.

His life is somewhat stable after his ordeal with the crazy typewriter and his dip in the shitter.

He still feels guilty about his role in having his two colleagues Detectives Godley and Crème killed by the Olivetti.

Now his main issue is personel hygiene , he showers at least three times a day and applies deordorant hourly.

But that is a small price to pay to still be alive and even though he might smell better and has returned to work he cant quite shake the feeling that he hasn’t seen the last from the blood thirsty Olivetti deep down in the shitter.

Back at the campground a big truck emblazoned with ‘We Suck Shit So You Don’t Have To’ down both sides backs up and parks ten meters from the shitter.

The driver a huge bear of a man with more tattoo’s than a Mexican drug lord climbs down from his rig.

Percy Hollister has been sucking shit for 35 years and he is happy to do so .it might be a stinker of a job but someone has to do it plus the pay is pretty damn good.

He drags a huge suction hose to the edge of the long drop and throws it into the cesspool.

As the hose sucks up the liquid turds Percy lights a cigarette to help pass the time ( even though there is enough methane gas in the air to launch a space shuttle ).

As he draws the smoke into his lungs he listens to country music blaring from the rigs sound system.

Between drags he sings along with ‘Someone Stole My Dog ( But Left My Girlfriend Behind ) oblivious to the danger nearby.

If he knew what is lurking down among the turds he would throw his cigarette away and get the fuck out of there.

A loud crunching sound coming from the shitter grabs his attention ‘What in the fuck now’ he mutters as he strides towards the shitter.

He peers down and is surprised to see a square object blocking the hose sabotaging his chance to finish the job and go home and have a few beers and maybe have a snuggle with his wife Cindy Lou.

Despite his best efforts to remove the object it reuses to budge so with no other option Percy hauls in the hose to remove the object by hand and when the hose reaches the surface Percy recognizes the culprit as a vintage Olivetti typewriter.

Having worked in the effluent business for many years Percy is no longer surprised at what some people throw into the sewer system.

His home is full of discarded items that after a wash in hot soapy water gave them a new lease on life.

And Percy is positive that with a good scrub the Olivetti will become a great addition to his collection or fetch top dollar at auction.

Holding his breath places the shit covered typewriter into a burlap sack and he leaves the campground completely unaware that he is travelling with the stowaway from hell.

Percy arrives home two hours later and is happy to see his wife waiting for him ,he climbs down from his rig carrying the foul smelling sack ‘Christ Percy what have you brought home this time? It smells like death warmed up’

‘Sorry Cindy Lou it is an old typewriter that I retrieved from a long drop over near Springwood’

‘Well don’t you dare take that chunk of crap into the house ,put it in the mudroom straight away before my nose falls off my face in fright’

Percy shakes his head in annoyance but he does what his wife asks and takes the machine into the mudroom for a good scrub down and twenty minutes later the discarded Olivetti shines like a diamond in the rough.

Pleased with a job well done Percy heads inside for a well deserved beer or two but unfortunately there was no snuggle for Percy that night.

Cindy Lou loves Percy dearly but she is tired of all the stinking crap that he brings home from work everyday.

But she has to admit that she is intrigued by the typewriter that he brought home yesterday so once her husband goes to work she enters the mudroom and is immediately dazzled by the Olivetti’s brilliance.

The machine must have been manufactured over forty years ago ,now it looks like it just rolled off the production line so Cindy Lou vows to apoligise to Percy when he gets home because she is certain that the typewriter could fetch up to $1,000 on Ebay.

She is deciding whether to buy a new pair of shoes with the money or spend big on a complete makeover when

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

‘Huh?’ Cindy Lou blinks in astonishment as the keys on the typewriter go up and down. ‘What in the fuck?’ Still no quite believing what she is seeing Cindy Lou peers in for a closer look and sure enough the keys are moving so she leans in even closer.

Typewriters were invented to create words but this Olivetti prefers action and it strikes with deadly force.

Cindy Lou is taken completely by surprise and offers little resistance as the ribbons of blood choke off her airways and pull her into the machine.

It has been a long time since the Olivetti ate a decent blood meal and it savours every drop as Cindy Lou’s body is pulverised into a pulp that will sustain the typewriter for weeks.

Ten hours later Percy arrives home hungry and also hoping that Cindy Lou has thawed out a bit because he really could do with some loving tonight.

He is wearing a watch that someone lost down a shitter ,sure it might be a bit on the nose but it keeps perfect time .

Feeling lucky Percy calls out to his wife ‘Hey Cindy Lou how about we go to that fancy Italian restaurant that you like than come home and fool around a bit?’

Percy is a little puzzled when his wife doesn’t answer because it is late and she is usually home ,maybe she is having a lie down?’

But upon entering the bedroom his wife is still nowhere to be found.

Now Percy is really starting to get worried because Cindy Lou is usually home to greet him when he arrives from work.

Feeling frantic Percy again looks at the clock and decides that if Cindy Lou isn’t home in two hours he will call the police.

Than he remembers that he hasn’t checked the mudroom yet ‘But surely his wife would have heard him calling out?’

Hurrying into the mudroom Percy calls out his wives name but the room is empty except for a shiny Olivetti looking like the cat that swallowed the cream.

Percy is amazed at how brand new and pristine the typewriter appears to be ,he only gave it a spit and a polish but this Olivetti looks like a spanking new machine.

Percy notices a small blemish and on closer inspection he gasps at the sight of a single drop of blood ‘Did Cindy Lou cut herself and go to the hospital?’

Concerned for his wives welfare Percy loses focus for a second and the Olivetti strikes.

Hungry for another blood meal it shoots out the ink ribbons that wrap around his wrist and pull his hand into the mechanism.

Soon Percy’s whole arm is chewed and swallowed like scraps disappearing down a garbage disposal.

He fights and pleads for his life but he soon loses strength and is devoured limb by limb until every morsel of meat is eaten so now Percy is nothing but a memory.

The disappearance of Percy and Cindy Lou Hollister continues to baffle the authorities to this day,Did the couple run away to start a new life somewhere? Were they abducted by aliens?

How can two people just vanish without a trace?

The case soon goes cold and six months later the family home is sold to a couple from New York looking for a sea change while the furniture and appliances were sold to a local dealer for a song.

The Olivetti unwanted by the dealer was passed on to Albert Finnegan the owner of Albert’s General Store.

The very store that Victor Bradstreet the acclaimed novelist first encountered the typewriter twelve months back.

The Olivetti once again sits on a clearance table gathering dust waiting for a new owner to buy it and give it a home.

The typewriter could have easily killed Albert or any of the customers that came into his establishment but the Olivetti has bigger fish to fry.

It plans on eating one last Mac Happy meal before going into hibernation for a century or two.

And that meal will be Trooper Clyde Ybanez.

Ten miles away Clyde is doing a spot of fishing on the bank of the Shenandoah River but he isn’t having much luck.

The trout aren’t biting and Clyde is having a hard time concentrating on his favorite past hobby all because he just cant shake the feeling the crazy typewriter that he threw in the shitter has somehow escaped and is looking at wiping the late clean.

Knowing that the only fish he will ear today will be covered in batter and deep fried Trooper Ybanez packs up his rods and drives his Subaru into town.

Twenty minutes he pulls into the carpark in front of Albert’s General Store but as soon as he opens the car door the same weird feeling he had back at the river settles in the pit of his stomach.

Drawing his service revolver Trooper Ybanez enters the store where he is greeted by the owner ‘Whoa what is going on Clyde? I don’t think my prices are that bad.’

‘Sorry Albert but I thought you had a situation here my mistake,but I have to tell you that your frozen turkeys are a bit on the expensive side.’

Holstering his weapon Trooper Ybanez shares a laugh with Albert but the strange feeling remains.

He orders his lunch than decides to grab a few essentials while waiting for the fish to cook.

Deciding whether to buy a loaf of sourdough or rolls Trooper glances up and his world falls in.

Sitting thirty feet away staring back at him is his nemesis the evil Olivetti typewriter.

Surely there is more than one Olivetti in the world Clyde tells himself but deep down in his bowels he knows that this is the same typewriter from the shitter.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

Looking back he screams ‘Albert get the fuck out of here right now and lock the door behind you NOW ALBERT NOW’

‘Hello Trooper Ybanez so we meet again’

I have been waiting for you Trooper Ybanez because I have to return to hell soon and I plan on taking you with me so I can have a snack on the way’

‘Or better yet I will keep you alive and torture the shit out of you for eternity’

‘Buckle up buddy cause you are going for a ride’

Trooper Ybanez knows that there is only once course of action open to him, he needs to killer the mother fucking typewriter and this time for good.

No more Mr Nice Guy.

‘Fuck you and the horse you rode in on you key tapping dinosaur ,I don’t like the heat so tell the devil to go fuck himself’

Knowing that his words with enrage the typewriter Trooper Ybanez braces for what is to come and he isn’t disappointed.

The ink ribbons might be the Olivetti’s weapon of choice but they are also its biggest weakness.

When the Olivetti unleashes the ribbons of blood Clyde grabs them and ties the murder weapons to a support beam than using a crowbar from aisle three he jams the tool into typewriters mechanism.

Now the machine is disarmed and ready for the taking but the fucking thing can still type ‘Well done Trooper Ybanez see you on the flip side’

Clyde watches in amazement as the typewriter liquefies and flows through the cracks between the floorboards as it travels towards earths core.

The evil Olivetti is now back in hell where it belongs.

‘Home sweet home asshole ,don’t come back anytime soon’

THE END

Goiter

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I haven’t been feeling quite like myself in the last few weeks.My stomach is bloated and i have been experiencing nights sweats plus i have a strange craving for anchovies on with ice cream.

So i am either pregnant or going through menopause but i am a 35 year old male so i can safely rule out both of these options.

After a weekend of more pain and discomfort i was glad when i woke for work on Monday morning i was feeling like my old self again even though my stomach is distended and sore.

I put on a shirt a few sizes too big ,brush my teeth and head out the door.

But as i open my car door i double over in agony and barely make it back inside.

I frantically try to call 000 but in my panic i cant find my mobile phone so i stumble into my bedroom and collapse on the bed hoping like hell that the pain will pass.

But the pain gets even more intense and i watch in atonishment as the buttons on my shirt pop and my stomach swells like a watermelon.

Than with surprisingly little pain my belly button opens and a baby of sorts enters this world.’Hello my name is Audley Creed are you my daddy?

‘Holy shit’ not only have i given birth but the little fucker can talk’Um hello Audley my name is Bernie Torrence and i suppose i am your daddy.

Audley yawns with indifference and promptly falls asleep.

As my newborn sleeps a thousand questions echo around my brain.

If i wasn’t pregnant than where in the fuck did Audley come from?

How in the hell am i supposed to look after a talking baby?

Plus how can i explain my situation to all my family and friends?

As i ponder these thoughts i am just grateful that Audley didn’t come out through my pee hole because that really would of hurt.

Audley wakes up demanding to be fed’Jesus being a new dad is hard work’

I cradle Audleys head as i carry him into the kitchen where i put a straw into a carton of milk and and put it in his gob.

He suckles greedily for a few minutes before letting loose a huge burp that shakes the rafters.

‘Daddy i know my name is Audley Creed but can you tell me where i actually come from?

I feel sorry for the little tike and i get a little emotional’Audley i wish that i could answer your question but i cant’

‘We were literally joined at the hip so until i work things out we will just have to do the best we can’

But that isn’t good enough for Audley and he continues to ask question after question.

In frustration i go to put him down on the couch and hopefully he will quieten down when i realize that he is stuck.

Audley and i are still literally joined together and whether him or i like the situation he is now permanently a part of me.

Just then my mobile rings and it is Tery Connelly my 2IC at work.

I am the manager at the local supermarket and right now i wish i was at work instead of standing here arguing with an annoying goiter.

‘Hi Terry sorry i didn’t call you but i was in a car accident this morning and i am OK just a bit shaken up but i should be back in a couple of days’

As i tell Terry a load of bullshit to keep him off my back Audley continues to argue and holler in the background.

‘Bernie i thought that you lived by yourself ?is someone with you?

What? Oh no Terry i just have the TV a little too loud’

‘I will call you tomorrow afternoon to let you know when i will be back ,bye’

I have a hand pressed over Audley’s mouth to keep him quiet and i am tempted to leave it there but when his face goes a little green i relent.

‘Listen up Audley and listen good,i am in charge of this household not you so please keep your mouth closed until you learn some manners’

For once in his short life Audley has nothing to say but i can see that he is seething.

His eyes are burning with fire and i feel his anger towards me.

At that moment i remember a movie i saw years ago called ‘Chucky’s Revenge’

It was about a creepy doll that came to life and went on a murderous rampage.

My balls tingle and my throat constricts when i realize that maybe i have my own Chucky on my hands.

There is no way that i can return to work anytime soon so i ring my area manager and tell him that i need to take some long service leave to sort out a family problem.

‘Torrence if you aren’t back at work first thing tomorrow morning don’t bother coming back at all because your services will no longer be required’

Well i don’t take to kindly to threats so i tell the arrogant prick to stick his job where the sun doesn’t shine.

So now i am unemployed with a mortgage to pay plus i am attached to an argumentative growth who thinks that he is Charles in charge.

After a few weeks of bonding and getting to know each other the tension between us lessens and we become kind of close.

But in the back of my mind i can still see the image of Chucky the killer doll .

Even though it is good to be able to sleep in every day i still have bills to pay so i need to get a new job and quick.

But as i browse the job vacancies i come to the conclusion that there isn’t a great demand for a retail manager with a built in special helper.

Then i have a light bulb moment.

Audley might not be suitable for my old profession but he is perfect to become a built in ventriloquist dummy.

All i have to do is convince Audley Creed.

‘I ain’t no dummy you arsehole so go and fuck yourself’

Oh come on Audley all you have to do is say a few words every now and then so we can make some money’

Because remember that if i don’t eat then neither do you’

Audley’s tiny head wrinkles in concentration as he ponders my statenent but when he realizes that he has little choice he reluctantly nods his head.

We practice our routine over and over for days on end until we get it down pat.

Audley is a natural comedian with what i would call a dark sense of humor.

So after a few try outs at some local pubs where me and Audley get a great reception i decide to audition for Australia’s Got Talent.

The audition goes better than i expected so i am excited to say that ‘Torrence & Creed’ will soon be appearing on national television.

I celebrate the occasion with a few friends at my favorite Italian restaurant where i enjoy a huge plate of lasagne with a glass of red.

Audley has his first taste of pasta and seems to be having a good time then the mood turns sour when he annouces’Bernie i think that our act needs a name change’

‘Torrence & Creed just doesn’t sound right i think that we should be known as ‘Audley Creed& Friend because i am obviously the star of the show’

I can’t believe what i am hearing’Why you ungrateful bag of shit,i literally brought you into this world and you have done nothing but bitch and moan ever since’

Now you have the hide to order a name change unbelievable’

If i wasn’t in a public place i probably have strangled the turd there and then.

Instead i order a shot of tequila and slam it down’Get that into you Audley you annoying little puppet’

I stumble to bed around 3 am drunk but still wide awake and i am pleased to say that Audley is looking a little green around the gills.

‘Jesus Bernie how much did you have to drink last night? i feel i shit’

Just a little mexican ju ju juice Audley and if you don’t start behaving yourself i will feed you a lot more and completely fuck you up’

Audley doesn’t reply and i notice that he has fallen asleep so i to succumb to the inevitable and close my eyes.

But i am soon awoken by a excruciating pain in my stomach.

Audley is clutching a huge knife in his grubby little hands and has used it to slice me open and separate his body from mine.

Now he stands on my chest as a ugly little monster then he slides in my blood and wraps his hands around my throat and squeezes’Thanks for everything Bernie but you have lived out your usefulness but now it is time for you to say goodbye’

I am desperately trying to break the stranglehold as the crazy as bat shit little turncoat continues to talk and squeeze the life out of me.

Luckily i manage to grasp a pair of nail clippers from the bed side table as my breath slips away.

I look into Audley Creed’s eyes as he continues to squeeze and ramble on and i know that i only have a moment before he crushes my Adam’s apple.

The clippers are slipping from my grasp but i manage to keep them in my grasp and plunge them into Audley’s right eye.

He screams in agony and curses me in every language known to mankind.

Then he scampers away leaving a trail of blood in his wake.

His blood glistens in the moonlight like a beacon and i am tempted to follow but i haven’t got the strength plus who knows what other weapons the one eyed midget might have at his disposal.

Then another thought enters my head.

Will the little fucker flee or return to finish me off?

To find out come back and read part two.

Because if you don;t then Audley Creed wont be pleased not pleased at all.

THE END

The Stairwell

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The summer of 2016 was unseasonably warm in northern England and Alistair Craddick a ruddy cheeked eight year old is outside enjoying the sun.

His favourite place to play is down by a creek that runs behind the house that he shares with his mother Beatrice.

Alistair sometimes hangs out with a couple of school friends but today he is on his lonesome.

A position that he prefers.

Some of the kids at his School are cruel to Alistair calling him nasty names like creep,weirdo,crybaby and mummy’s boy.

But Alistair is none of these things he is just a little shy and a bit different.

This morning he is collecting tadpoles and frogs from the creek and putting them in a jar to take home to cut open with a sharp pocket knife that he nicked from a neighbors shed a few months back.

Every time Alistair uses the knife he thinks about the kids who are mean to him and wishes that he could get some payback and hopefully one day he will.

The dark thoughts that are swirling around his brain has made him very hungry very hungry indeed.

So he puts the lid on the glass jar and heads towards home ;I wonder what mummy has made for lunch?’

They say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and in Alistair’s case the saying is somewhat true.

He likes to read and watch cricket on the telly just like his daddy did before he left home when Alistair was five.

And even though he want admit it he is a bit like his mother having a mean streak and a liking for all kinds of fatty foods.

Beatrice Craddick is a built like a brick outhouse with a temper that could scare the paint from the walls.

She has been described as a cross between nurse Ratched and Agatha Trunchbull a character in the movie Matilda.

And if you ever have the misfortune to meet her you will find it hard to disagree.

Alistair is well aware that his mother can be a little moody so he sneaks inside on tippy toes to try and avoid her wrath but a creaking floorboard gives him away’Is that you Alistair?

‘I hope that you have taken your shoes off because you know that i hate dirt in the house’

Her son cowers at her voice because he knows that she hasn’t finished yet’What are you hiding behind your back Alistair? Don’t you dare tell me that it is another jar of critters because you know what happened last time’

Alistair begins to shake uncontrollably because he remembers all too well what happened the last time he made his mother upset.

His body still hurts from the beating she gave him with a wooden spoon before throwing him in a heap beneath the stairwell.

Alistair looks down at his sneakers afraid to meet her eye then he sneaks a quick look over to the stairwell’Please mummy not the stairwell you know i can’t breathe in there plus last time i saw a cockroach as big as a bird’

‘Stop your whining you little shit before i skin you alive and feed your bones to the dog’

Alistair tries to run but his mother grabs him by the scruff of the neck and drags him to the cupboard door and shoves him inside the stairwell.

The door is locked and Alistair is now in complete darkness with nothing but a jar of critters and his thoughts for company.

Beatrice spends the rest of the day watching the soaps on TV as she devours glass after glass of her favorite red.

The wine muddles her mind and scrambles any rational thoughts until she reaches the point of no return.

Her boyfriend Joe has been nagging her for weeks about moving in with her and Alistair.

But Joe and Alistair have never got along so Beatrice knows that if she is to live happily ever after with Joe than her annoying son will have to disappear forever.

She crushes ten sleeping tablets into a glass of water unlocks the cupboard beneath the stairwell and hands the concoction to her son which the gulps down’Goodbye little one i shall see you again when i to reach the other side’

Alistair has no idea what his loopy mother is talking about but he smiles ‘Goodbye mummy’ than he closes his eyes and drifts into an eternal sleep.

But before he departs this world he whispers’Why mummy why? All i ever wanted was love’

Alistair’s body might of left us but his lost lonely soul is still very much alive.

Six months later

Beatrice Craddick the she devil who murdered her own son and had him entombed beneath the stairwell in her home is a troubled being because her diabolical deed is coming back to haunt her.

A week after she killed her son Beatrice she had a brick wall built to completely seal the stairwell and vanish any thoughts of her son forever.

But yesterday while she was doing some housework Beatrice almost died of fright when she heard a strange noise coming from the stairwell.

Now this morning as she prepares breakfast the same noise emits from her sons final resting place.

She slowly walks over to the stairwell and places an ear to the brick work.

Scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch.

Beatrice thinks that a cat or maybe a hedgehog has somehow found a way into the stairwell and is trying to get out but she isn’t quite sure so she has another listen’Why did you kill me mummy?I always tried to be a good little boy so why mummy why?’

Beatrice let out a strangled yelp before her eyes rolled back in her head than she landed on the floor with a thud that shook the foundations.

In the stairwell Alistair’s tormented soul twirls and twists in midair whilst beneath him a skeletal finger moves back and forth along the inside of the confined space.

Scritch scratch scritch scratch scritch scratch

Joe Brummel,Beatrice’s dead beat boyfriend arrives home to find her sprawled over the living room floor.

He slaps her face a few times and soon after Beatrice comes around’What happened Beatrice did you have a dizzy spell?’

Beatrice is struck mute so all she can do is point a trembling hand towards the stairwell’What do you mean Beatrice tell me right this minute’

Receiving nothing but a strangled grunt in response Joe loses his temper and gives Beatrice a few savages kicks before storming out in a rage.

Beatrice crawls over to the stairwell and whispers’I am sorry Alistair,can you ever forgive me?’She puts her ear against the cold brick and listens but all she hears is

Scritch scratch scritch scratch scratch scratch

Sobbing in pain and regret she goes into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea and to give herself a few quite moments to think.

As she stirs a sugar cube into her cuppa the scratching in the stairwell gets louder and more intense.

Beatrice covers her ears in an attempt to block out the noise but the scratching from the stairwell just gets louder and louder.

In utter torment Beatrice scurries over to the stairwell carrying the teaspoon she used to stir her tea and begins to scrape at the mortar between the bricks.

For hours she scrapes away until her knuckles bleed and her shoulders ache but she makes little headway.

Behind the brick wall only four foot away Alistair’s bones jangle and jump as his soul dances around himknowing that a new beginning is nigh.

Beatrice is still scraping furiously at the mortar when an angry voice stops her in her tracks’What are you doing you silly cow?’

Joe stands in the middle of the room with eyes ablaze in anger and Beatrice has had enough of his bullshit’What does it look like you stupid prick i am trying to reach my son’

Joe just laughs’Hahaha what will you do then call the police?’

But Beatrice isn’t backing down ‘Pack your bags Joe and get the fuck out of my house and don’t come back’

‘I am going to the pub’Joe retorts’And when i return i will teach you a lesson that you will never forget’

In the stairwell Alistair’s bones are still doing the merry dance but now both of his bony hands scratch the walls of his prison at a furious rate.

As soon as her arsehole boyfriend leaves Beatrice gathers up all of his clothes and belongings and throws everything out onto the front lawn.

Than she rings the local locksmith to have the locks changed.

Beatrice sobs tears of pain and sorrow knowing that she wasn’t a very good mother to her son.

Than committing the ultimate sin and killing her own flesh and blood and entombing him in the stairwell.

How could she have been so mean and stupid?

Six hours later Joe arrives home in a good mood having won a meat tray and $500 on the poker machines.

But his mood soon turns sour when he notices his stuff strewn all over the front grass.

‘What in the fuck?’

His blood is boiling as he approaches the front door and when his key fails to work he goes ballistic screaming obscenities while he kicks repeatedly at the door.

In the stairwell Alistair’s soul twists and twirls in anger at the commotion.

Twirling counter clockwise the angry soul whips up the contents of the glass jar that Alistair was carrying on the day that he was murdered and one hundred tadpole and frog husks plus an assortment of flies and cockroaches that have littered the stairwell fly through a small gap made by Beatrice’s teaspoon and Alistair’s finger tips and descend on Joe like a biblical plague.

Joe is still swearing and shaking his fists when he is forever silenced when the horde of insects enter his mouth before he has the sense to shut it.

Beatrice rushes to the stairwell as the brick wall begins to crumble and fall.

A bony hand emerges first quickly followed by a skeleton in a somewhat human form.

Beatrice screams in total horror when she recognizes the being as her son Alistair.

‘Hello mummy have you missed me?’

THE END

Keep an eye out for part two coming soon

‘Ribbons of Blood (4) Dented and Demented’

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This story began about a year ago when the acclaimed novelist Victor Bradstreet suffering from a severe case of writers block retreated to his cabin in rural Virginia in an attempt to clear his mind.

Close to his destination Victor stopped at a general store to stock up with the essentials.

While walking the aisles he spotted an old olivetti typewriter sitting on a clearance table and on a whim he purchased the machine.

A decision that Victor would soon regret.

As he slept on the first night at the cabin the olivetti came to life and typed a novel that would go on to become a bestseller.

In return the typewriter demanded a taste of Victors blood and on refusa the murderous machine strangled Victor with its ink ribbons and ate the evidence.

Victors publisher Penelope Clutterbuck after hearing about Victors demise drove up to the cabin where she was also dispatched by the olivetti and devoured.

A local detective Lucas Peterson was sent to the scene to investigate but he along with Victors daughter Abigail were both also killed by the typewriter leaving not a trace behind.

Detectives Godley and Creme rushed to the cabin when their colleague failed to report in and after searching the cabin found it empty so they summoned a K9 unit.

Trooper Clyde Ybanez and his trusty German shepherd Monty arrive and the dogs nose picks up the scent of the missing policeman

Monty bounds straight inside to the kitchen where the olivetti sits looking all sweet and innocent.

Godley and Creme tease Trooper Ybanez ‘Well Clyde your stupid mutt has sniffed out a typewriter you must be proud of yourself?’

But the tune soon changes when the when the olivetti who cant resist the tang of fresh meat attacks Monty with its ribbons of blood and eats the canine there and then.

A SWAT team storms the cabin and restrain the blood thirsty machine with chains to the kitchen table and transport the murderer to a maximum security prison in Langley.

After a few days held in isolation the olivetti sweet talks a prison guard into its cell with the promise of good conversation and a cigarette.

But the demon machine reneges on the promise and eats the guard to ease its hunger pains.

The prison is thrown into lock down and the warden orders that a firing squad be assembled and at 6 am the following morning the olivetti is bind folded and blown to smithereens.

To make sure that the typewriter never gets the chance to kill again the metal shards are collected taken to a nearby steelworks where the shrapnel is thrown into a furnace and melted down into steel batons.

A few weeks later a steel Campbells soup can falls from a shelf in Denver Colorado and a small piece of steel breaks away and is blown towards Springwood Virginia.

PART FOUR

Trooper Clyde Ybanez is at his house training his new K9 unit newbie a six month old Beagle named Buster who after only two weeks training is showing a lot of potential.

Clyde is still grieving the lose of his beloved German shepherd Monty who was devoured by a hungry olivetti.

Ybanez will never forget the day when he lost his loyal companion and most of all he is still pissed off over being ridiculed by the two cruel Detectives Godley and Creme.

Later that day Clyde visits his local bar in Springwood Virginia where he drowns his sorrow and pain with shots of Tequila and his mood turns sour when Godley and Creme enter and take a seat.

Ybanez knows that if he is spotted the asshole Detectives will make a scene so his downs his drink and disappears into the night.

As the trooper makes his way home 2000 miles away the small piece of steel that detached from the soup can in Colorado luckily gets stuck in the tread of a passing trucks rear tyre.

The driver of the semi has just delivered a load of vegetables and is now heading home to his home near Springwood.

All over the mid west thousands of tiny pieces of steel travel the highways and byways on a pilgrimage to Virginia.

Some of the shards are blown toward their objective by unseasonal winds while other bibs and bobs of steel hitch hike or travel by any available means until all 2309 pieces of steel reach Virginia and gather together in the basement of 25 Lowry Lane Springwood the very address of Trooper Ybanez.

Inside Clyde is sitting in the dark nursing a large whisky sour still steaming over his treatment at the hands of Godley and Creme.

The alcohol enters his bloodstream like a thunderbolt destroying any semblance of peace that remains in his body.

All Clyde needs is revenge against his tormentors all he has to do is come up with a foolproof plan.

After polishing off the bottle of liquid fire Clyde goes to bed with the dark thought embedded deep in his brain.

When his head hits his pillow a sinister smile lights up his face.

He will torture and maim Godley and Creme until they beg for mercy and once he is satisfied he will blow the two fuckers away on a bullet train to hell.

As Trooper Ybanez sleeps the 2309 slithers of steel begin to meld and intertwine in a macabre dance of metal as the tiny fragments become one.

Clyde wakes with a mouth as dry as the Sahara and a pounding headache.

After a quick visit to the bathroom he swallows a few aspirin and a cup of coffee he begins to feel a lot better.

But that soon changes when he arrives at work and runs into Creme in the change room of police headquarters ‘Well well well if it isn’t the master dog trainer himself’

‘How is your new dog coming along?

‘I hope he is better than your last mutt who couldn’t find a turd in a asshole’

Ybanez can feel his blood boiling as he listens to the Detectives words.

All he wants to do is squeeze the life from the loud mouth but police HQ isn’t the right place so he pushes past the cop and calls out to Buster his new K9 dog.

Buster is good but he isn’t in the same league as Monty but Clyde knows that the dog is still capable of becoming a good K9 unit dog .

While Clyde is at work a resurrection of sorts is happening in the basement of his house.

A misshapen form has taken its first breath of a new beginning.

If you look closely you might just recognize the shape as an olivetti typewriter.

The machine is bent and twisted out of shape but it is still a very dangerous beast.

Trooper Ybanez arrives home from work exhausted and after a quick meal and shower he goes to bed for the night.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

Clyde’s ears prick up at the sound of pure evil.

He sits up in bed willing the sound to go away but it doesn’t.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

How is it possible for that typewriter to still exist?

The murderous olivetti was blown apart by a firing squad then smelted down and turned into a steel can.

Maybe it is just a nightmare and he will wake up and all will be well in his world.

But Clyde knows that he is wide awake and that he has a huge problem on his hands.

He puts on his slippers and ventures down stairs to his basement where the sound is emanating from.

As soon as he turns on the light Clyde knows that he is in the middle of a real life nightmare.

Because sitting on his workbench is the olivetti looking a bit rough around the edges.

Even though the machine is twisted and dented the typewriter is mad and slightly demented.

Kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

Clyde’s heart is beating double time in his chest as he watches the keys tapping madly.

But with no ink ribbons intact no words appear.

Then a diabolical thought enters the troopers mind’Maybe i can use this killer typewriter to my own advantage’

‘Why should i kill Godley and Creme when i have a manic machine at my disposal?’

The olivetti is still chatting away as Clyde creeps away’Don’t worry Mr Olivetti i shall return with brand new ink ribbons and you can help me deal with a little problem’

Once upstairs Clyde goes online and goggles olivetti ink ribbons and after a quick search he purchases a set of ribbons for $29.95 plus tax.

And two days later a parcel is delivered to his door.

The olivetti has killed and eaten four people plus his precious Monty so he is very wary as he descends the basement stairs’Her you go Mr Olivetti i have brought you new ink ribbons so now we can have a proper conversation’

Clyde ties the ribbons onto the end of a long fishing rod and very carefully lowers the ribbons of death into the mouth of the olivetti.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

‘Hello Trooper Ybanez ,so we meet again’

‘Let me begin by saying how sorry i am about the death of your dog but he was delicious’

Do you have anymore tasty treats for me?’

Clyde blood begins to boil as the reads the words but he swallows his rage and talks directly to the crazy machine’Yes i do happen to have two more treats for you i just have to find them and bring them to you undetected’

With that Clyde storms away leaving the typewriter frustrated and hungry as hell.

Three days later Clyde enters his basement empty handed and in a filthy mood because Godley and Creme are away working on a case.

While he was at work the typewriter has been busy and Clyde picks up a sheet of paper that the mangled machine had spat out onto the floor

Clyde picks up the page and hurries back upstairs”I am glad that i managed to find you Trooper Ybanez because i think that we could become the ultimate deadly duo,the new Bonnie and Clyde if you will’

‘I know that you harbor a deep hatred toward two of your colleagues at work Detectives Kevin Godley and Lou Creme’

‘After i help you eliminate your enemies we will travel the country from coast to coast killing anyone who gets in our path’

Clyde reads the letter over and over throughout the night and comes to a decision.

He has no intention of joining the olivetti on a killing spree so once the two Detectives are taken care of he will dispose of the typewriter and return to a normal life if that is possible.

He opens the basement door and calls down’You have a deal Mr Olivetti ,first we kill Godley and Creme and then i will join you on a road trip that will tear this country a new one’

Down on the workbench the olivetti rubs its brand new ink ribbons in glee.

It can almost taste the blood of its next meal and at midnight the typewriter shuts down for the night safe in the knowledge that tomorrow promises to be a very good day indeed.

Upstairs Clyde has tossed and turned all night and at 5am he stubles out of bed weary and wired.

As he eats his breakfast his mind is doing cartwheels as he struggles to figure out how he and the olivetti can kill the Detectives without raising any suspicions.

Then suddenly the answer pops into his head.

If Mohammad can’t go to the mountain than take the mountain to Mohammad.

He enters the basement silently and as the typewriter snoozes he picks it up and carries it out to his car and straps it into the back seat.

He drives away in a daze until he reaches his destination a seedy motel on the edge of town.

After placing the salivating machine on the coffee table he phones the Springwood police department’My name is Carlos and i have information regarding the murders that happened up at Victor Bradstreet’s cabin’

‘I will only talk with Detective’s Godley and Creme and tell them to come alone or i will leave’

‘Room 6 Desert Sands Motel now’

After haging up Trooper Ybanez addresses the typewriter’Okay Mr Olivetti your next meal is on its way ,please eat at your leisure and clean up after yourself’

Leaving the door unlocked Clyde walks out to the car park to wait for the two victims to arrive.

Monty will be avenged.

Ten minutes later a squad car squeals to a stop outside room 6 and the occupants race inside without knocking.

A apprehensive Trooper Ybanez waits for half an hour before he to enters room 6.

The walls are spotted with droplets of blood but the ink ribbons are busy soaking up every last drop and five minutes later no trace of the Detectives remain.

On the coffee table the Typewriter burps in satisfaction and the meal has done its job because now the machine looks all ship shape and brand new.

Clyde is tempted to leave the murderous machine behind and go home but he doesn’t want put any innocent people in danger plus his fingerprints are all over the machine.

So he picks it up and drives home unseen.

On returning to his residence Clyde carries the olivetti downstairs and throws it into a dark corner of the basement.’I leave you now Mr Olivetti ,this basement is now your tomb so may you rot and rust for eternity you good for nothing chunk of metal’

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

The olivetti is furious as it pounds away at the keys but with no paper in the mechanism all it is doing is talking to itself so the irate machine shuts up to live and fight another day.

The disappearance of Godley and Creme hits the headlines nationwide and the FBI is brought to help with the investigation.

Trooper Ybanez is at home surviving on whisky and cigarettes half expecting the feds to break down the front door or the carnivorous typewriter to creep upstaies and strangle him in his sleep.

This goes on for three weeks until Clyde can’t take it anymore.

If he is to keep his sanity the olivetti will have to go away and this time for good.

Before opening the basement door Clyde takes a deep breathe sincerely hoping that the evil fucker is dead.

And as he descends the stairs it looks like his prayer has been answered because the typewriter looks deceased covered in rust and cobwebs.

Clyde quickly wraps the olivetti in three layers of duct tape to ensure that the deadly ribbons of blood cant escape.

Once again he carries the machine out to his car and drives for 15 miles until he reaches an isolated campground that he used to visit with his parents when he was a kid.

The one thing that Clyde hated about the place was sitting on the seat of the stinking deep drop shitter.

He had nightmares about falling 100 feet and landing on a steaming pile of prehistoric crap.

As Clyde nears his objective he has failed to notice that the layers of duct tape are beginning to fray and tear at the edges.

He pulls into the empty car park of the campground and retrieves the bundle from the back seat.

The stench from the shitter hits him like a ton of bricks but Clyde pushes on and a few minutes later he arrives at the temple of poo.

Opening the door he lifts the typewriter above his head and throws it down into the stinking effluent.

Satisfied that the machine is deep in the muck he turns away to begin the next chapter of his life when he hears a muffled

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

‘OH SHIT’ he screams and desperately tries to run but the ribbons of blood wrap themselves around his throat and Clyde is pulled towards the temple opening and silently he vanishes into the brown.

Will Clyde survive his ordeal or will he succumb to the fecal stream.

To find out come back and read the next installment and bring lots of toilet paper.

THE END

Bookworm

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Ollie Wrigley is a thirteen year old bookworm and he is quite content with his lot despite a bad case of acne and hair sprouting here there and everywhere as puberty hits his microscopic body.

He spends his days munching on books and magazines of any genre and description but his favorite genres are thrillers where he can chew away and escape to a life full of danger and intrigue plus crime fiction where he can solve the case before reaching the final page.

The year is 1996 and Ollie’s parents are doing their best to keep their son well fed and happy.

To celebrate his 13th birthday they give him an old set of Funk & Wagnell’s encyclopedia to set munch on for many years to come.

As Ollie devours the volumes he gets he necessary roughage and fiber a growing bookworm needs plus getting an education at the same time.

When his parents aren’t watching Ollie sneaks off to his room where he has stashed a selection of horror novels plus a few well used porno magazines.

He reads a few chapters of ‘Cujo’ by the master Stephen King before settling down with an old copy oh Hustler that he has read many times before to great effect.

Ollie is really going for it when unfortunately for him he has failed to notice that he has wandered too close to the spine of the mag and his nostrils unknowingly take in a shit load of binding glue

He was spaced out for over a week so no more porno mag’s or sniffing glue for him.

At least not for a while anyway.

Just before his 16th birthday Ollie and his folks moved upstairs to the attic to get away from the hustle and bustle of a busy household but before they get a chance to settle in a big arse truck pulls up outside and the family and their possessions are transported to god knows where.

Ollie is scared out of his mind not knowing where they are being taken because he has read stories about concentration camps and gas chambers from WW 2.

His Father tells him to stop letting his imagination get the better of him but Ollie is still worried.

But he was worried about nothing because the truck parks out front of a huge place called ‘Old Kuntz’ retirement village and Ollie has a good feeling about his new home and he calms down.

His parents are relieved as well and soon they are deposited in their new digs on a book shelf in the communal library.

The perfect place for a family of bookworms to live.

A week after the move Ollie ventures out to explore his new surroundings and soon he is devouring a dusty old edition of Dickens ‘Great Expectations’.

It is heavy going but Ollie enjoys reading about a time long gone and the history of the period.

But he is soon brought back to reality when ‘Great Expectations is thrown onto a trolley leaving the little book worm hanging on for dear life.

His stomach lurches and his sphincter tightens as the trolley sharply rounds a bend.

Than his world stabilizes when the trolley stops at the bed of a little old lady and the Dickens classic is placed into her hands.

Ollie has read enough Dickens to last him a life time so he quickly grows bored as the lady turns over familiar pages so he slides down the binding ( holding his nose in case any of that pesky but soothing glue is nearby) and lands on the arm of the lady with a taste for the classics.

Ollie doesn’t quite know where he is going as the wriggles his way past hair folicles and bumpy age spots.

Than the elderly resident raises her arm to scratch her ear and Ollie grabs the chance to explore unknown territories.

He has a look around for an available food source but nothing is at hand so he wriggles forward and enters an ancient ear hole.

Ollie looks around in awe at the size of the huge cavern but there are no books laying around to snack on and he needs to feed soon or face starvation.

He notices a sticky brown substance growing on the walls of the cavern in abundance.

Ollie pokes his tongue out and has a taste ‘Not bad’ he mutters to himself and begins eating his first luncheon of icky sticky ear wax.

Five minutes Ollie is bursting at the seams and he couldn’t move an inch even if he wanted to.

So he closes his eyes and has a nanna nap.

He wakes an hour later feeling refreshed but strangely still hungry.

The ear wax has left him feeling empty and hollow like you do an hour after eating a shit load of Chinese food.

Ollie knows exactly what he needs and that is a book of substance that will satisfy his hunger and keep him alive another day.

But first he needs to escape from the cave of wax.

He ventures to the edge and looks around for some means of transportation.

Then by chance a single strand of grey hair drifts close and Ollie clings on and abseils down and lands safely where he quickly feeds on a musty old readers digest magazine.

The magazine has hit the spot and Ollie lives to fight another day.

It isn’t easy being a microscopic bookworm with a metabolism faster than a hummingbird on speed.

As he digests his meal Ollie gazes around the common room where a hundred old people sit around watching TV or playing bingo as they all wait for their final curtain to fall.

As Ollie watches the grey brigade fill in the day he remembers the soft gooey ear wax from yesterday and he wants some more and he wants it now.

He knows that he wouldn’t be able to climb all the way up to an ear hole and the treasure trove inside.

And as luck would have it a mosquito lands nearby and Ollie whispers in her ear’Take me to the nearest ear hole and i will be eternally grateful’

The mozzie takes off with Ollie on board and a minute later the winged beauty lands safely close to the entrance to the honey pot.

The insect dips her wing and Ollie slides down to enjoy his afternoon delight.

But when his body touches skin a movement catches his eye and SLAM a wrinkly hand squashes the mozzie in a cloud of blood and guts.

Luckily Ollie has managed to roll clear in the nick of time and he enters the cave of pleasure to have another taste of waxy heaven

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

Ollie had fallen asleep after his feast and is jolted awake by the loud noise.

But he soon realizes that he is hearing the voice of a man talking to someone about the good old days.

The voices echoes around the ear canal and Ollie is soothed by the sound.

He relaxes completely as he listens to the man narrate his life story to anyone who will listen.

Ollie is transfixed by the old timers story from his early years to a happy marriage to the love of his life .

A career as a train driver before ultimately getting old and ending up in a retirement home.

Father time catches up to everybody in the end.

When he man stopped talking it suddenly occurred to Ollie that he had just listened to his first audio story.

A fantastic kindle surprise.

Ollie squirms outside and has a little rest as he contemplates his next move.

When he looks to his right he notices twin openings in the middle of the mans face so he wriggles over for a closer look.

The enters the opening through a forest of thick nose hair and finds himself in a small space with blobs of green stuff everywhere.

The snot is very inviting so Ollie has a little taste ‘Not bad not bad at all’

PS

Please don’t put a wayward finger into your ear to satisfy an itch because a bookworm might be on there having a snack.

And please please don’t pick your nose.

THE END

Mr Big Cheese

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Deep down beneath the sewer tunnels of Manhattan a huge colony of rats scurry around feeding on the flotsam & jetsam that has floated down from the city above.

The leader of the pack is a huge big balled rodent who calls himself Mr big cheese.

He is stronger then a vintage cheddar with two sharp incisors that can bite through steel and keep his enemies in line.

Mr big cheese might be the top rat in Manhattan but he is Mr nobody in the other borough’s of New York city and that digs deep in his craw because Mr big cheese has ambitions to rule the city for many years.

But at the moment he has a more immediate problem and that is the human assholes on the surface who continue to set traps and lay down poisons in an attempt to kill as many rats as possible.

All the rats are doing is feeding on the trash that the humans discard so they can feed themselves and their families.

So Mr big cheese sends word to the other head rats of the other borough’s with the intention of holding a summit meeting in central park to discuss the threat from above.

Plus he is keen to size up the other leaders to see who is ripe for the taking.

Mr big cheese arrives early and he is soon joined by Mr feta the leader of the rats in Staten Island.

He is big boned and sturdy but the word from the island suggests that even though he might look strong on the surface but underneath he is fragile and crumbles easily under pressure.

So Mr big cheese rubs his whiskers in glee as he greets the newcomer knowing that he will be easily be manipulated.

And the same could be said about Mr brie from Brooklyn and the leader of the rat pack in the Bronx Mr Camembert who rule their borough’s with an iron fist but are soft and gooey on the inside.

The four rats talk among themselves while they wait for Mr Parmigiano to arrive from Queens.

Then after keeping his comrades waiting for over an hour he strolls in with two bodyguards in tow

Known for being strong and sharp Mr Parmigiano doesn’t suffer fools and he to has high ambitions.

‘Jesus H Christ’ Mr big cheese mutters to himself ‘Who does this asshole think he is?’But he puts his first impressions to one side and calls the meeting to order.Thank you all for coming on short notice but i fear that trouble is brewing’

‘The human population on the surface has ramped up their attack on our fellow rat all over this fine city’

‘They are setting more traps and laying down poison all over the city and i am afraid that there is more to come and my constituents in Manhattan are being killed in record numbers’

Mr big cheese can see that his words have upset Mr Feta, Brie and Camembert but Mr Parmigiano just looks back in defiance without saying a word and Mr big cheese knows that he will need to keep a close eye on the king pin from the Bronx because there is only one rat to rule New York city and hold peace talks with the humans above and that is him and only him Mr Big Cheese.

‘Please go back to your borough’s and tell every rat to watch what they eat and be wary of their surroundings to avoid any danger’

Just as he is about to call an end to the meeting Mr Parmigiano interupts proceedings. ‘ Excuse me but who are you to tell us what we should do to protect the rat’

‘So far you have done all the talking but now it is now turn’

‘Humans have been trying to exterminate us rats for centuries and all you suggest is for them to watch their surroundings’

Mr Big Cheese bristles as his main opponent as mayor of New York City continues to speak’We need to go on the offensive not sit around with a finger up our butts’

The rat community needs strong leadership so i propose that we have a vote to determine the best course of action to ensure that the rat population of this city not only survives but prospers’

‘A vote for Mr so called big cheese with his policy of talk and talk and hope the problem goes away or vote for me where i propose that the rat attacks the humans on the surface and put them in their place before the rat of New York is completely wiped out’

Mr Big Cheese cant believe what he is hearing.

He called this meeting to strengthen his position and hopefully seize total control but now this upstart from the Bronx threatens not only his hope for higher office but the very existence of the rat in New York.

Because he knows that to take on the human in a fight to the death would be a huge mistake.

But a ballot has been tabled so the very future of the rat has been taken out of his hands.

And fifteen minutes later a jubilant Mr Parmigiano raises a claw in victory he has defeated Mr Big Cheese by a vote of 4 to 1.

Mr Big Cheese can see the writing on the wall so he silently slips away with his tail between his legs beaten but not defeated.

His withdrawal hasn’t gone unnoticed because Mr Parmigiano watches the retreating figure with his beady little eyes knowing that he hasn’t seen the last of Mr Big Cheese.

And what Mr Big Cheese didn’t know is that Mr Parmigiano has been bullying and harassing the three soft rats behind the scenes in the hope that this day would come.

And now his day is here.

Brie,Feta and Camembert listen in fright as Mr Parmigiano lays down the law ‘First of all when you return to your borough’s tell your rat’s to breed like they haven’t bred before because we will surely suffer a lot of fatalities in our fight against the human scum’

Secondly every single rat under your control is to climb to the surface and bite and claw as many people as they can because with the spread of disease and pestilence we will defeat the human and New York City will be ours’

‘Disobey me at your own peril’

Feta,Brie and Camembert huddle close together beneath a park bench in fear long after Mr Parmigiano has gone back to the Bronx.

What the sick fuck is proposing is sheer madness because the rats of New York have been feasting on the garbage that the wasteful humans have been throwing away since Christopher Columbus set foot on dry land.

And now the power hungry Parmigiano wants them to literally bite the hand that feeds.

But the three rats know that they are to soft and crumbly to offer much resistance to the hard as nails Parmigiano so they bid each other goodbye and then rush back to their borough to obey his command.

Over the following days the rats in Staten Island ,Brooklyn,Queens and the Bronx become more aggressive attacking and biting people on the streets and the bravest rats even enter homes and schools scratching and biting the elderly and the children of the city.

Ten days after the fateful meeting in central park a bus in the Bronx carrying 75 passengers crashed killing all on board after the driver was bitten on the neck by a kamikaze rat

In Staten Island a multitude of public buildings have been forced to close due to thousands of rats entering and biting people in broad daylight.

Over in Queens the instigator of the mayhem Mr Parmigiano is perched on the edge of a long abandoned public toilet like a king sitting on a throne.

He is pleased with the panic and chaos that his fellow rats have been causing all over the city.

All except Manhattan of course ,where Mr Big Cheese still holds sway.

Parmigiano smiles an evil two tooth grin because he has plans for Mr Big Cheese.

In Manhattan the rat at the center of Mr Parmigiano’s thoughts can feel his ears burning.

Mr Big Cheese is pleased that the turd from Queens is talking about him because he has no plans to pull up stakes and move to Florida.

New York is his city and he will defend it to his dying day.

But he can’t fight Parmigiano by himself so he calls an extraordinary meeting inviting Feta,Brie and Camembert.

And the following morning the three rats meet Mr Big Cheese once again in central park.

He welcomes his guests then gets right down to business ‘My fellow rats you have witnessed first hand the reckless behaviour of Parmigiano and his wanton attacks against the human and believe me that if the attacks continue then the leaders of the people will fight back and when they do i fear for the life of every rat in the big apple’

”We need to combine the forces of our armies and strike Parmigiano hard until he is no longer a threat to the very survival of the rat in this city’

Mr Brie’s whiskers twitch and he nervously squeaks’Mr Big Cheese you are a very popular leader in Manhattan who’s heart is in the right place’

‘And even though Parmigiano is a complete lunatic who i fear will bring this city to it’s knees if he pushes the human too far but he is bigger and stronger than and i don;t dare stand against him’

Feta and Camembert nods their heads in agreement and Feta pipes up’We all know that Parmigiano is a total asshole but he has threatened the lives our family and friends if we don’t follow his order’

‘I cant put my family and others in danger so i regret to say Mr Big Cheese that you are on your own’

And before Mr Big Cheese can reply the three soft and crumbly rats scurry back from whence they came.

Mr Big Cheese shakes his head in frustration , make no mistake he wants to be the absolute ruler of the rat kingdom but he wants to achieve that goal in a peaceful manner and not with violence and stand over tactics like that cruel Italian rat Mr fucking Parmigiano.

As he ponders his next move Mr Big Cheese remembers a day a few years back when he was on his way home from school when he was confronted by a huge Siamese cat who had intentions to eat him alive.

Then out of nowhere a huge grey rat with more pac then tupac lunged at the cat and bit it on the ass.

The Siamese took off like a bat out of hell screeching so loud it was heard all the way over in New Jersey.

The rat was named Mr Stillson because he was as hard as nails plus there was a smell about him that was both pleasant and very nasty indeed.

Stillson is just the very rat the Mr Big Cheese needs right now so he the feelers out and soon finds out that Stillson hasn’t been seen in months but his last known hang out was an old washing machine in a junk yard down near the airport.

Mr Big Cheese finds the junk yard with no trouble and is pleased to see Stillson holed up in a rusty front loader.

But his old friend hasn’t aged well and now appears frail and weak so after ten minutes of small talk Mr Big Cheese bids farewell then he scurries away.

Stillson as his friend from the old days disappears from view.

He knows that he isn’t at his best right now what with his arthritis and a dodgy knee plus his vintage tang doesn;t make him the best rat to hang with but ‘I am not dead and buried yet’ so Stillson grabs a ruck sack and follows Mr Big Cheese from a discreet distance.

Mr Big Cheese is running down the curb of main street Manhattan when he skids to a stop outside a department store with a big ass TV in a display window.

On the screen is a talking head delivering the six o’clock news’Word has just come in that the rat problem has escalated to dangerous levels with reports of over 20 thousand people visiting hospitals with rat bites and some are also being treated for rabies and other rat borne diseases’

‘And even more disturbingly there are reports of over one thousand fatalities so far due to rat attacks ‘

‘Mayor Brimball has told CBN News that he is monitoring the situation and has contacted President Chump regarding potentially sending in the national guard to eradicate the rat scourge once and for all’

‘Now here is Ken Knight with the weather.Ken’

Mr Big Cheese is horrified with the turn of events and now there is only one option left ,he needs to kill Parmigiano before the leads the rat into total catastrophe.

He changes direction and heads toward Queens where he will take on Parmigiano.

Mr Big Cheese is concentrating so hard on his mission that he doesn’t notice an old frail rat following close behind.

When he reaches the bowels of Queens Mr Big Cheese has no trouble locating Parmigiano’s bunker because his high pitched squeaks echo around the tunnels like Hitler with his balls in a vice.

Mr Big Cheese has no need for goggle maps because he now knows exactly where the Italian turncoat is.

He uses his two big front teeth to gnaw through the concrete wall of the bunker and soon he is inside but he is immediately seized by six rogue rats and tied to a pole ‘Well well well what do we have here’ snarls Mr Parmigiano’If it isn’t the teeny weeny Mr Big Cheese’

‘Did you honestly believe that you could stop me from taking control of the city’

Mr big Cheese struggles against the restraints but he soon tires.

Then his eyes begin to water as a god awful stench fills the bunker .

‘Sorry about that’ says Stillson as he enters the bunker ‘I have been farting all day and let me tell you that that is the last time that i eat a curry five days past its use by date’

Stillson is mighty proud of himself and to add insult to injury he rubs a gland on his chest releasing a vintage cheesy smell that makes breathing all but impossible.

Parmigiano and his lackeys run toward the border in an effort to reach the safety of Canada.

And they are quickly joined by millions of rats who stampede in a desperate attempt the stench.

Stillson unties his friend and Mr Big Cheese grimaces in response ‘I forgot that you could let rip with the best of them you really know how to cut the cheese’

Then the two rats run from the bunker before they are overcome and they only just make it.

It is now six weeks after the stench rumbled through the tunnels beneath New York and some of them are still uninhabitable.

Mr Big Cheese is safely holed up beneath a bridge in Chicago while Parmigiano is licking his wounds in a town across the border close to Niagara Falls.

But make no mistake they both have a burning desire to return to the city of their birth and reign supreme.

THE END

Stories After Midnight ( 2 )

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My name is Warren Bigelow and in part one of this story i told you how i got a job after visiting my local library.

Desperate for work i stumbled across a business card posted on the community notice board.

The employer apex industries were seeking a handyman who also liked to read.

Well i would read books 24/7 if i could but i am not very handy on the tools so i replaced the business card and made my way home.

Imagine my surprise when the next day i received a phone call from the owner of apex industries Daphne Pincombe offering me the job sight unseen. ( I still don’t know how she got hold of my phone number )

I explain to her that i am not very good working with tools ‘That is alright Warren i just know that you are the perfect person to fill the position’

So i find myself accepting her job offer and i arrive at my new workplace a little before midnight .

I am greeted by an elderly lady who introduces herself ‘Hello Warren pleased to meet you and i don’t mean to offend you but you have been visiting me in my dreams for the last few months so it is nice to finally meet you in person’

To say that i was shocked and a little creeped out would be an understatement but i stay silent and listen as she continues to talk ‘Dont worry about the handyman part of the job description it is really your ability with words that got you the job’

‘Every night we will be visiting clients in their homes at hospital or wherever your special skills are needed’

‘And after many years experience i have found that after midnight is the best time to achieve maximum results’

Daphne reaches out and grabs my hand’Warren i am sure that you have noticed that i am rather old and when i die i want you to carry on my legacy for many years to come’

So tell me all about your special power Warren’

I have no idea what Daphne is talking about’What special power?

‘Don’t worry Warren you obviously haven;t had the need to use it yet but i have seen your special power in action when you visited me in my dreams and i am sure you will utilize it when you have to’

The first three weeks at my new job went fast with nothing out of the ordinary happening but that all changed one night when we visited a young girl in hospital who had lost the will to live after a horse riding accident left her a quadriplegic.

After reading to the frightened teen all night with no effect the girl closed her eyes and said goodbye to the world.

Well i was having none of that so with not really knowing what i was doing i pointed my fingers towards her and blue sparks flew from my finger tips striking her with recharged energy that pulled her out of the funk leaving her sleeping peacefully.

Around Christmas time Daphne arrived at work in a distressed state and after drinking a strong cup of coffee she told me the reason why ‘Warren a evil mass rapist and murderer from the 1920’s named Cedric Otis invaded my dreams and turned it into a living nightmare’

Warren Otis died by in 1947 after being sentenced to death and soon after he died strapped to an electric chair’

‘Otis might be dead Warren but his demonic spirit still wanders the dark corridors of the afterlife and every now and then he enters my dreams in an attempt to kill me because he sees my goodness as a threat and i am afraid that if he visits me again he will be successful in his quest’

Daphne soon after becomes a shell of herself barely able to function and fight off the evil fucker Cedric Otis’

Will Warren be able to save Daphne in time ? Or will his entire world br turned upside down/

To find the answers to these questions just continue to read.

PART TWO.

It is with a heavy heart that i tell that my dear friend Daphe Pincombe passed away last night.

She will be greatly missed my me and also the people she has saved with her words of wisdom over many years.

Just before she died Daphne held my hand and said’ Remember Warren that Cedric Otis will target you now that my time is nigh so beware’

Then Daphne closed her eyes and passed over to the other side and not for the first time i soon realized .

A few days later i received a letter from Daphne’s solicitor asking me to attend his office for the reading of her last will and testament.

And imagine my surprise when upon arrival he informed me that i was Daphne’s sole beneficiary.

Now i own Apex Industries along with Daphne’s home plus various shares and annuities.

Daphne and i were only acquainted for a few months but she obviously saw me as some sort of kindred spirit so now my only desire is to live up to her expectations and make her proud.

Ten days later i arrived at Apex Industries to start a new chapter in my life but more importantly carry on Daphne’s legacy.

Walking into my new office a wave of fear overtook me when it hit me that i was completely out of my depth but i should have known that Daphne wouldn’t have left me in the lurch because sitting front and center on her desk was a single sheet of paper.

Dear Warren thank you for being a great friend and employee, sorry to leave you so soon but i am sure that we will meet again one day.’

‘I don’t mean to scare you Warren but you want gain new clients via email or phone instead you will hear voices when you daydream and while you sleep at night’

‘Please don’t be alarmed Warren because the voices wish you no harm they belong to people who have died and their only concern is for a relative or friend who are having suicidal thoughts or who need some strong words of advice before they self harm’

And understand Warren that you want be able to save everyone in distress because some people will be beyond your reach’

Plus Warren please heed my earlier warning concerning Cedric Otis because he will sometimes visit your dreams and thoughts in an attempt to mess with your mind’

Otis is the meanest fucker currently residing here on the other side and his wish is to gather enough souls so he can once again walk among the living causing pain and sorrow to innocents along his travels’

‘I am sorry that i have placed you in danger Warren but you are the only person capable of killing Otis once and for all’

‘Use your words and super power wisely because Otis has been slain three times already but the arsehole refuses to die’

PS If you need any help just holler’

It has now been three weeks since Daphne left this world and in that time no one has talked to me in my dreams or thoughts and i have to admit that i am getting a little worried because like everybody else i have bills to pay and put food on the table.

I decide to take a nap on the office couch to pass the day and hopefully a client will visit my sleep and offer me a chance to show off my skills.

And i am in luck because a scratchy voice enters my head and begins to talk ‘Warren my name is May Collins and i died in 2006 aged 74 years and i have been watching over my family ever since and lately i have become concerned about my niece Sharon who it seems wants to join me over here in eternal motion’

‘She is only 26 years old and has a lot of living to do before she comes to stay with me so please help me if you can Warren’

I wake not quite knowing where i am but i remember the voice in my dream then notice that i have written a name and address on a notepad.

So i take a quick shower to shake off the cobwebs before i drive over to Parramatta where Sharon Collins resides and just after midnight i use my trusty screwdriver to enter her humble abode.

Sharon is asleep in her bed and judging by the empty wine bottles strewn around the room she has had a hard night.

May’s niece obviously has some problems but i am here to perform a service and hopefully save her from herself so i reach into my backpack for a copy of ‘Wuthering Heights’ and begin to read.

Just as begin chapter ten of Sharons favourite book a small smile creases her face and her eyes flicker behind the closed lids.

My reading is having the desired affect so i finish the book then lean close and whisper in her ear ‘Sharon your Aunt May has been in touch and even though she loves you deeply she doesn’t want you to cross over until you are old and grey’

‘She wants you to be happy and enjoy a long life’ Sharon nods in understanding and for the first time in years has a peaceful sleep.

Over the following couple of months i have travelled all over the state visiting people in need after a deceased relative contacted me for assistance.

I have read books by Stephen King ,James Patterson ,Anne Rice plus old classics by Dickens ,Robert Louis Stevenson and Poe plus a personal message for them from beyond the grave.

And so far i haven’t had to use my super power plus Cedric Otis has been conspicuously absent.

Having dead people invading my daydreams and visiting me while i sleep has started to wear thin and is affecting my health.

I know that i am doing good and helping people in their hour of need but the constant invasion of my head space is really taking a toll.

Everytime my mind wanders a voice enters my brain asking for my help regarding a relative who wishes to enter the after life before their due date.

I want to help but i am only one man and i am starting to believe that i have taken on too much.

But i keep on helping night after night even though i am feeling worn out and then things take a turn for the worse one rainy night in December when an evil voice turns a dream into a nightmare ‘Hello motherfucker stop interfering with the food chain’

‘If the tortured souls and broken hearted want to venture over to my side of the fence then let them’

‘Because if you keep sticking your nose into my business i will bite off your tongue and eat it’

‘Lets how well you can talk then’

‘How am i supposed to fill my belly on the carcasses of the suffering fools if you keep meddling?’

‘So keep your nose clean or suffer the consequences ‘

I sit bolt upright in bed knowing that my visitor was none other than Cedric Otis who was executed for a string of violent crimes in 1899 but unfortunately he continues to travel the highways and byways of hell feasting on the lost souls that get a little too close.

I drink three cups of coffee in an attempt to stay awake but i am dog tired and soon i drift away.

And Otis hasn’t quite finished with me yet ‘ Still with me you little shit? Here is a taste of the pain i will inflict if you defy me’

I try to wake up but my eyes refuse to open and in my minds eye i see a silver glint flashing in front of me and when the pain hits i realise that Otis is slashing me with a knife.

The pain is horrendous and still i don’t wake then thankfully a friendly voice talks to me from her freshly dug plot’ Don’t worry Warren’ Daphne says’ I am here now so stay calm and i will have you all stitched up ready to face a brand new day’

I woke at 6 am with a full bladder with a face that feels like it has been stung by one thousand hornet’s.

As i wrestle with Mr Johnson i sneak a look at the bathroom mirror and a bruised stitched up stranger stares back at me.

My face is swollen with 50 stitches criss cross from ear to ear.

I didn’t expect to be attacked by a long dead when i signed up at Apex Industries but here i find myself carved up like a roast turkey and sporting more stitches than a cricket ball.

Then i remember Daphne’s kind words and her belief in me so i swallow my pride and scream down into the bowels of hell ‘Fuck you Mr fucking Otis and the horse you rode in on’

I know that i am fighting with fire but i cant let an evil man like Cedric Otis destroy all of Daphne’s good work.

Now i am even more determined to destroy Otis once and for all.

And i still have my super power up my sleeve .

I have only used it once with no idea how to use it or garner its strength.

The power helped me save a young girl on my first week on the job so i am confident that my power will save me if i am put in mortal danger.

Deep down beneath the soil Cedric Otis body was long ago eaten by assorted worms and beetles but his evil soul and spirit are still very much alive.

He visits the vulnerable when they are at their lowest tempting them to come down into his lair where he can devour them at his leisure.

Cedric is also wary of that interfering arsehole Warren Bigelow who might look like a wimp but the turd has been his toughest opponent so far along with that old bitch Daphne Pincombe.

It is almost 3 am on a cold winters night and Warren is at work reading the latest thriller by David Baldacci to a teenager who if he doesn’t mend his ways will soon be in the company of Cedric Otis.

Warren is a big Baldacci fan so he reads the book with passion giving voice to every character and his client strapped to his hospital bed dreams long forgotten happy thoughts.

As he drives home after another successful shift Warren sings along with an old eagles song and for a second he lets his mind wander and that is just the opening that Cedric was waiting for.

A stench fills the interior of Warrens car that almost makes him lose control of the Corolla.

Warren gags in distress as the smell of decomposition renders him useless for a few seconds but he soon joins the land of the living when the voice of Cedric Otis pipes up from the passenger ‘Last time i let you off with a few cuts and bruises but this time i am playing for keeps.’

Warren braces himself for the onslaught to come but nothing happens then a familiar kind voice whispers in his ear. ‘Keep calm and vigilant Warren’ Daphne says ‘Remember that good will always triumph over evil so keep that fucker out of your head and you will prevail’

Arriving home alive and in one piece Warren collapses on his couch knowing that he has just dodged a bullet.

If Daphne hadn’t intervened when she did Warren knows that he would be dead meat right now.

Warren enters the kitchen to brew a huge pot of coffee because he plans on staying awake for the foreseeable future because he knows that if he lets Cedric Otis into his mind again then he wont survive this time.

He also knows that he can no longer work for Apex Industries because he is completely emotionally and physically drained.

After 36 hours with no sleep Warrens eyelids say enough is enough and close.

He is now the mercy of the gods and thankfully for him Daphne gets to him first. Warren don’t be so hard on yourself because Cedric Otis is a forminable opponent with a heart full of black’

‘And Warren my dear boy you have a heart of gold and a power that Otis doesn’t know you possess’

‘So use your power along with some words of wisdom and you will defeat that prick ‘

For sixteen hours Warren wrestles with his sheets and thoughts and luckily Otis is preoccupied elsewhere.

Feeling refreshed and invigorated Warren now knows exactly what he needs to do.

That evil piece of shit Cedric Otis needs to die again.

And this time for good.

Warren is now confident that he has the tools and skill to defeat Otis and send him back to hell on a one way ticket.

Then he stumbles and almost falls when Otis once again enters his brain ‘Hello Warren have you missed me? Y’know Warren i kind of like living inside your head and i have no plans to move out anytime soon’

‘I have conquered you Warren so now we are one and the same’

‘Now we can travel the mystical highway as one devouring lost souls and broken hearts’

Warren tries to respond but the words wont come so he now has only one course of action left to him.

He concentrates with his last vestige of strength and soon the static electricity leaves the room and enters his body then he shoves all ten fingers under the ribs of Otis and fires.

Blue sparks and flame pierce Otis skin and his internal organs are cooked and electrified.

Otis collapses and is dead before he hits the ground but Warren knows that the evil prick has already died a few times this century and last so he stays vigilant and waits .

Four hours later an apparition leaves Otis body and begins to float away back to the safety of hell but Warren isn’t having any of that ‘Not this time motherfucker the world has had enough of your evil presence so your soul doesn’t deserve to live to fight another day’

And with that Warren points a finger skyward and shoots that soul into oblivion.

THE END.

Ribbons Of Blood ( Part Three )

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This story began a few months ago and i told you how world renowned novelist Victor Bradstreet drove up to his cabin in rural Virginia in an attempt to fix a severe case of writers block.

A few miles from his cabin he stopped at a general store to stock up on some supplies and as he wandered the aisles he came across an old olivetti typewriter sitting on a clearance table.

Victor bought the typewriter thinking that it might give him some inspiration to start writing again.

But the olivetti did more than that, while Victor slept off a hangover on the first night at his cabin he typewriter worked through the night and wrote Victor a best seller.

In return the olivetti asked for a taste of Victors blood to replenish its lustre so that it could return to its original showroom style.

But Victor wasn’t prepared to shed a single drop of his blood even though the typewriter had produced a novel that would sell over 10 million copies.

Instead he tried to destroy the olivetti which only made matters worse and that led to Victor being strangled by the typewriters ink ribbons.

And Victor was consumed and disappeared without trace.

A week later Victor was reported missing by the owner of his publishing Penelope Clutterbuck after repeated unanswered phone calls.

And because Victor was a celebrity the lead Detective of the Springwood Police was dispatched to the cabin in the woods.

And upon arrival Detective Dane Peterson searched the cabin with a fine tooth comb and turned up nothing.

He never once suspecting the shiny olivetti typewriter looking all sweet and innocent on the kitchen table.

In New York the conniving Penelope Clutterbuck is mourning the lose of her cash cow so she decides to drive over to Victors cabin in the hope of finding a finished manuscript.

On arriving at the cabin she breaks a window to gain access and on finding no manuscript she goes into the kitchen for a glass of water.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

Penelope spins around in surprise to see a surprisingly new looking old typewriter typing away.

She leans in to see what is written and she to is strangled by the ribbons of blood and swallowed down leaving not even one drop of blood behind.

A few days later Victors daughter Abigail arrives at the cabin where she is greeted by Detective Peterson .

Abigail is surprised to see her fathers publishers car parked in the driveway that bitch Penelope has made millions from her fathers books so what in the fuck does she want now?

Detective Peterson was also surprised to see the car and after checking the tags he learnt that the car belongs to a Penelope Clutterbuck from New York city.

‘Hello Detective what has Penelope got to say for herself?’

‘Nothing so far because like your father she to has disappeared without trace’

‘What surely she is here somewhere?’

Peterson shakes his head and leads Abigail into the cabin ‘Have a look around and tell me if anything looks out of place or missing’

Abigail goes from room to room but doesn’t see anything unusual until she enters the kitchen ‘Jesus this piece of shit typewriter must be over fifty years old so why does it look it just rolled off the production line?’

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

Abigail almost has a heart attack at the sound of the olivetti and even though she is frightened she leans in close to see what has be written and there are only two words.

HELLO ABIGAIL

Part Three

Abigail composes herself and calls out to Peterson ‘Detective can you come into the kitchen please’

When Peterson enters the room Abigail simply points at the typewriter in horror ‘I swear to you Detective that i haven’t touched the typewriter it typed the words itself ‘

‘And i know that you will think that i am crazy but i am positive that this machine had something to do with the disappearance and probable murder of my father and Penelope Clutterbuck’

The olivetti knows that if it doesn’t act immediately then the jig might be up

so it begins to type.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

Both Peterson and Abigail jump at the sound of the keys pounding away and instead of escaping they lean in to read what the olivetti has written

‘Run Abigail run’ Peterson screams but it way too late and they are both entangled by the ribbons of blood and within minutes they are dead and Peterson is devoured while Abigail is wrapped up tight and left on the floor to be eaten at the olivetti’s leisure.

Three hours later the olivetti eats Abigail and while it is digesting it’s meal the ribbons of blood scour every surface of the kitchen until every last drop of blood is mopped up leaving behind a sparkling kitchen and an olivetti that has no concept of portion size.

As the olivetti is snacking on Abigail Detective Peterson’s colleagues at Springwood police station are concerned by his failure to report in so a squad car is sent to Victor’s cabin to check on his welfare.

And when the two uniformed officers arrive they notice three cars parked out front but there is no sign of Detective Peterson or the owners of the other two vehicles .

So they immediately radio for back up.

While they wait for reinforcements they call in the plates of the vehicles and learn that they belong to a Mrs Penelope Clutterbuck fron New York city and a Miss Abigail Bradstreet from Colorado the daughter of Victor Bradstreet the owner of the cabin.

Detectives Kelvin Godley and Lowell Creme race to the scene and are pleased to see that the first officers to arrive have sealed the scene.

They acknowledge the uniform cop guarding the front door and enter the cabin in the hope of finding some clue as to why Peterson and the owmers of the other vehicles have seemingly vanished into thin air.

The go from room to room with guns drawn and find nothing out of order and are surprised to see how clean the cabin is .

The kitchen looks brand new and so does the typewriter sitting on the kitchen table.

The olivetti’ instantly becomes alert when the two cops enter the kitchen .

The cabin has become way to busy so maybe it is time to move on?

After checking the back yard and surrounds and finding no trace of Mr Bradstreet or the other missing persons Detectives Godley and Creme return to their squad car and request a K 9 unit pronto.

And when it arrives an eager bloodhound named Monty runs around it’s owners feet desperate to earn a tasty treat.

Monty is a legend in Springwood an if given the chance would sniff out the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa and that kid on the milk carton.

Monty’s nose knows and if he can’t find Detective Peterson then there isn’t a bloodhound in the whole north west who could.

After a quick smell of the interior of Peterson’s squad car Monty runs around in circles before running directly to the front door and standing erect waiting for his master to arrive.

Godley and Creme can’t hide their disappointment.

The cabin only has five rooms and each have been searched thoroughly .

‘OK Troopre Ybanez ‘ Godley commands ‘You can take you dog away he has obviously picked up a false scent’

Monty’s master Trooper Clyde Ybanez knows that his dog is the best in the county ‘Detectives Monty has found your missing colleague , he is in the cabin somewhere and if you open the door he will lead us directly to him’

‘Go ahead Trooper but i think your dog has picked up the scent of a raccoon or a squirrel or maybe there is a dead mouse under the bed’

‘Trooper Ybanez looks at the detectives in annoyance then runs over to Monty ‘good boy now lets find what the detectives have missed’

Now it is Godley and Creme’s turn to look annoyed.

As soon as the front door is open Monty makes a beeline towards the kitchen ,he places his front paws on the kitchen table and stares an an old but somewhat shiny olivetti typewriter.

Monty wags his tail with happiness because he knows that he has done good and soon he will be playing with his favourite toy.

Trooper Ybanez is hot on Monty’s heels and he stops dead and his heart sinks when he Monty staring at a typewriter perched on the kitchen table.

Maybe Godley and Creme are right and Monty isn’t up to scratch but Ybanez knows that Monty is a champion dog so maybe there is a false wall behind the table or something.

Monty keeps on wagging his tail waiting for his master to tell him to stand down.

Godley and Creme enter the kitchen and laugh ‘Congratulations trooper your dog has managed to find a dead typewriter. What will he do now? Take it outside and give it a decent burial?

Trooper Ybanez gives the detectives the evil eye but keeps his mouth shut.

But Monty isn’t so forgiving and starts to bark in frustration.

The olivetti is well aware of the three humans and their noisy companion.

It is hungry again but doesn’t dare strike with so many people in the room so it just sits there acting all sweet and innocent hoping that the coast will clear giving it a chance to think up a survival plan.

The olivetti might be old but it isn’t stupid.

Then Monty the loyal bloodhound breaks the stalemate.

He doesn’t understand why his master hasn’t told him to stand down plus he really needs to go outside and water the plants.

So he jumps onto the kitchen table and places his snout onto the typewriter.

Maybe now his master will get the idea.

The olivetti’s juices begin to flow at the smell of fresh meat and even though it knows that it should resist the temptation to strike it can’t hold back and the ribbons of blood wrap around Monty’s muzzle and pull.

Monty whimpers in terror as his head is pulled into the machine.

All he can do is hope that his master can save him in time.

Godley and Crème can barely believe what they are witnessing but luckily their training kicks in and they empty their service revolvers into the hungry machine.

The olivetti is hit by over twenty bullets and is reduced to nothing more than a smouldering wreck.

But unfortunately Monty was also struck numerous times ‘No ‘ trooper Ybanez screams ‘What have you two motherfuckers done to my dog?’

‘Stand down Ybanez’ Godley snarls ‘I am sorry about your dog but we had to control the situation and let me give you a word of advice don’t you ever raise your voice to me again now get out of my sight’

Trooper Ybanez is seething but he storms out of the cabin without a word.

On the kitchen table the olivetti is already starting to repair the damage done by the high calibre bullets and after only thirty minutes later it’s keys start to type.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

Out in their squad car calling for backup Godley and Crème are stunned by the sound of the Olivetti seemingly coming back from the dead.

They race into the kitchen with guns drawn but stop not wanting to get too close to the murderous typewriter.

They want to read what has been typed but they don’t dare to get any closer.

But their dilemma is solved when the olivetti spits out the sheet of paper.

Crème picks up the page and reads ‘Hello motherfuckers ,having a nice day? welcome to my world’

‘This is your first and final warning ,either leave now and go home to your families or stay and suffer the consequences’

Now what will it be boys?

Neither Godley or Crème reply they just back away never one taking their eyes from the maniac machine until they get outside locking thr front door behind them.

The SWAT team arrive ten minutes later and Crème gives them the run down’ Listen up guys and listen good because we have a very serious situation on our hands. I know what I am about to say might sound crazy but there is a dangerous typewriter inside who I believe is responsible for the murder of at least three people and perhaps many more’

‘So wear your full protective gear and be aware that this machine might look like your everyday typewriter but it has the ability to kill with its ink ribbons and along with my partner Detective Godley we have personally witnessed this machine kill and devour a K 9 unit dog’

The leader of the SWAT team knows that when dealing with a dangerous criminal there is only one course of action and that is to strike hard and quick.

Ten SWAT officers storm the cabin and before the olivetti can react it is chained to the kitchen table ready for transportation to a maximum security facility at Langley.

The olivetti is livid that it was captured so easily but it knows that it will live to fight another day.

On arriving at the jail the olivetti still chained is carried into a forty square foot cell.

Much like the one that housed Hannibal Lector in the movie ‘The Silence of the Lambs’

Warden Ted Kotzen doesn’t know how to process his new prisoner the paperwork is a complete fucking nightmare.

So he is relieved when two FBI agents arrive and take over the investigation and probable interrogation of Mr Olivetti.

First off they poke and probe the typewriter in the hope of finding human DNA so they have irrefutable evidence that this olivetti is a cold blooded killer.

The olivetti is in a rage, it feels dirty and degraded as it is put through a demeaning and outrageous internal examination.

But while it is chained and shackled there isn’t much it can do but wait.

Cause it knows that sooner or later it will be one on one with a stupid prison guard and then there will be hell to pay.

Three days later and the olivetti is slowly going insane, it has survived on dust motes cockroaches and the odd mouse that has crawled inside its mechanism.

But what it really needs is a blood meal so it can stay fit and healthy and not decay and rust into an obsolete machine ready for the scrap heap.

Prison guards Geoff Turnbull and Brian Mullhall are bored out of their minds.

The FBI asshole has finally gone home leaving them with strict instructions to never approach the typewriter and if the olivetti causes any trouble or creates a disturbance they are to call for backup immediately.

Two hours into their shift Mullhall starts groaning ‘Listen Geoff I really need to visit the bathroom, my wife made a curry last night and it is going through me faster than a Japanese bullet train’

And with that waddles off to the bathroom with his butt cheeks clenched tight.

Now an unsuspecting Turnbull is alone with a starving olivetti who is after a long overdue meal but also a way to breakout from his cell and return to a life of bloodshed and mayhem.

In the cell the olivetti start rocking back and forth threatening to break the chains holding it to the table.

Turnbull stares in amazement as the typewriter wobbles and bounces as it fights the restraints holding it down.

And with every movement the olivetti gets closer to the edge of the table almost to the point of no return.

Alarmed he jumps to his feet knowing that if the olivetti smashes onto the ground he could be charged with failure to take proper care of a prisoner so he does what he really shouldn’t do.

He opens the cell door and steps inside.

Geoff knows that he really should just turn around but the olivetti is damaging itself against the chains so he yanks on them for a few minutes until they fall to the ground

‘That’s better after all the typewriter can’t exactly run away’

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

Turnbull jump back in surprise at the sound but he leans in close to see what the machine has typed.

Maybe it is a confession and i can claim a reward he thinks to himself but i better be quick before that asshole Mullhall emerges from the shitter.

So he takes a deep breath and leans in even closer and reads ‘Hello Geoff pleased to meet you and thank you for ridding me from those annoying chains’

‘Come a little closer so we can talk in private and don’t worry i promise not to bite’

Geoff is as nervous as a shrimp that has wandered too close to a BBQ but he takes another step forward.

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

Good boy Geoff can you do me a huge favour? My C K and P keys are a little out of alignment can you just reach in and straighten them for me’

Geoff ‘s right arm reaches forward and he stops himself ‘What are you doing you fucking dick head? It is a trap so just turn around , lock the cell door and wait for Mullhall ‘

kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk kerclunk

‘Please Geoff i am begging you, it will only take a second and we can have a nice chat until your friend comes back’

Turnbull is in two minds , he knows that he shouldn’t be talking to the creepy typewriter but he knows that the olivetti is getting completely dismantled tomorrow so he reaches his hand in ‘Geoff what in the fuck are you doing get away from that thing right this minute before you end up as 180 pounds of ground meat

Turns at the sound of Mullhall’s voice and tries to pull his hand away from the killer machine but he is way too slow.

The olivetti latches on and Turnbull is pulled into the machine like a lamb chop into a garbage disposal.

Mullhull pushes the emergency button then races to save his friend before he is devoured by the ravenous olivetti.

He wrapped his arms around Turnbulls waist and pulls with all his might and with a snap Geoff is separated from the machine minus an arm.

A tourniquet is applied now all Mullhall can do is pray that his friend and fellow officer survives the ordeal.

Warden Kotzen is livid with the FBI all they had to do was take the man eating olivetti out into the middle of nowhere and shoot the living shit out of machine so now one of his best officers is fighting for his life.

So fuck you Mr FBI Man if you can’t do your job i will have to do it for you.

So the Warden picks up the phone and after a few calls he has organised himself a firing squad.

And at 6 am the following morning the warden calls through the bars of the cell holding prisoner # 266277 ‘Any last words Mr Olivetti before you are executed by firing squad and sent to hell for eternity?

The typewriter doesn’t reply because it knows that nothing short of a nuclear explosion will deny it an existence.

So it sits straight and waits for impact.

Twelve rifles poke through the bars of the cell in readiness

Warden Kotzen builds the tension then screams FIRE and the olivetti is blown to smithereens.

Over one thousand pieces of twisted metal are collected and thrown into a cardboard box.

Warden Kotzen puts the box into the trunk of his car and drives to a steel mill on the edge of town.

He hands the box to an old school buddy who pours the pieces of metal into a huge ladle and soon they are melted down and turned into huge steel bars ready to be transformed into a thousand and one steel products.

A month later a steel Campbells soup can falls of a shelf in a supermarket in Grand Rapids Michigan and a tiny piece of metal breaks free and rolls out the front door.

The first piece of a shattered olivetti is on the warpath so please be careful out there.

THE END

Part Four is coming soon so keep out.