A Tree And Me


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The following is a story about a tree that has a lot more bite than bark.


I have just turned ten years of age and my life is about to change forever.

My parents have sold the our house in Glendale Los Angeles because we are all the way over to the west coast.

To a place called Providence Rhode Island.

I don’t like the idea of leaving all of my friends behind but what can i do? I am just a kid


A month later after a very long boring flight to the other side of the country we finally arrive at the airport.

Than a cab takes us to our new home in Providence

And as my father pays the cab fare i get my first look at my new house

It is a big two storey brick place with a good sized front yard

As i check out the house my eyes are drawn to a huge tree near the front porch


‘Nathaniel don’t just stand there gawking help your father with the bags’ That was my mom,Jean,and yes my name is Nathaniel and no you may not call me Nate’

I watch the taxi as it drives away and a part of me wants to chase it and go back to California but my mom grabs my hand and we walk towards the front door to start our new life.

But before we walk over the threshold my eyes once more look over to that big old tree.

There is something about that tree that i can’t put my finger on,it is just a tree but it makes me afraid very afraid.


But any thoughts about a creepy tree leave my mind when i walk inside my new house.

I run from from room to room like an excited puppy

Until dad tells me to go outside and wait for the removers to arrive.


Oh yeah,my dad’s name is Ben Seagar and he is the reason why we had to move east.

He taught english at a college back home but apparently he got an offer too good to refuse

So here we are in Providence Rhode Island.


As i sit on the front porch i get a feeling that i am being watched.

I take a quick look over my shoulder but there is nothing there but a branch from that tree.

I have another look and the branch is no longer there.

God my imagination is really going crazy and i tell myself to settle down and stop being stupid.

But than again that tree is over thirty metres from the house so how could a branch be so close to the house?


My mom calls out that it is time for lunch so i run back inside to grab a bite to eat

And just as we finish eating our ham and cheese sandwiches i hear the a truck driving up the driveway.

The removalist’s are here.

So we go inside and help the driver unload the truck but all i manage to do is to get in the way.

So once again i am banished to the front porch.


But i soon cheer up when i see my bed getting carried upstairs to my room at least i will be nice and comfortable tonight.

My happiness doesn’t last long because that branch begins to tap on the side of the porch.

I look at that creepy tree and the ends of the branch look a lot like human fingers.

‘Mom that tree is starting to gross me out i think it wants to eat me’

Don’t be silly Nathaniel it is just an old oak tree that was probably planted by the settlers two hundred years ago’


The following weeks fly by as i settle into my new school and i have made a few friends.

Life is good in Providence Rhode Island.

And that creepy old oak tree is almost forgotten.


Soon it is almost July when i will celebrate my 11 th birthday.

My parents tell me that they will be holding a party to mark the occasion and i can invite all my friends from school and dad will ask all our neighbours to come.

I said half jokingly’I don’t care who comes as long as they bring lots and lots of presents’


The big day arrives and mom is in the kitchen while dad is outside cleaning up the yard and he asks me to help him carry a table and some chairs under that old oak tree.

And for the first time in weeks i look at that old tree and my bone marrow freezes and my heart feels like it is going to explode ‘Dad i don’t feel so good,maybe we should cancel the party’

Dad laughs and ruffles my ruffles my hair’Don’t worry you are just nervous and as soon as your friends get here you will be as right as rain’


As usual dad is right because as soon as my friends Simon Brendan and Adam arrive we started to play and have a good time and soon all of my worries vanished  from my mind.


When it is time to eat everyone takes a seat and we all enjoy burgers and hotdogs that dd made on the BBQ.

My friends and i are wearing party hats and smiles ten miles wide and talking about baseball and all the pretty girls at school.

But i am also thinking about opening my presents and mom’s famous chocolate cake.


And sure enough the screen door slams open and mom is walking toward me carrying a huge birthday cake.

She puts it on the table lights 11 candles and tells me to make a wish.

So i close my eyes and silently wish for mom and dad to live forever and for peace on earth.

I know i should have stopped there but i have a few more wishes so i wish for lots and lots of money and good health.

But the one thing i wish the most is for that creepy old oak tree to just go away.


I want to open my presents but mom shoo’s me away so that she can clean up.

So my friends and i run around and play for an hour until we are dying of thirst.

But all we really want is more cake.


So we get some drinks from the cooler and more cake and sit around the table laughing and swearing like sailors.

Simon gets up to grab another slice of cake when he trips on a root and falls hard’Why you shit eating piece of pond scum trip me will you’ Simon yells at the tree but he is trying not to laugh.

We are also cracking up at Simon and his choice of language


Simon goes to give that tree a kick when his foot is grabbed by the root and held tight.

‘What the fuck’ Simon says as he struggles to free himself.I tell Brendan and Adam to go and get some help while i try to release Simon from the roots hold.

But as soon as i get close a root closes around my throat and starts to squeeze

Holy shit,i soon realise that i am in a lot of trouble and soon sink to my knees but then i remember the pocket knife in my jacket.

I pull it out and start to cut and hack at the root and just when i think that i am a gonna i somehow break free.

Simon is hysterical and screaming for help but than i hear a crack and look up to see a huge branch crashing down

I jump out of the way just in time but Simon isn’t so lucky and is crushed.


The adults come running outside but there is nothing that they can do.

911 is called and soon there are cops and paramedics everywhere

Mom guides me inside away from the grisly scene.

I am incoherent and can barely function.

A doctor examines me and soon i am given a sedative and drift away to sleep


When i wake mom tells me that the police are here and wants me to answer some questions about the accident.

I want to tell them that it wasn’t an accident and that my friend was murdered by the creepy tree.

But they would think that i was crazy and cart me away to the loony bin.

So i tell them that we were just playing when the branch came down and soon the police leave me alone with my feelings.


Mom soon comes to see if i am alright.

And i tell her that i am feeling better but that i have something very important to tell her.

So she sits on the edge of my bed and i start to talk’Mom it wasn’t an accident i saw the tree root reach out and grab Simon so he couldn’t get away’

The root also tried to kill me mom i am telling you it was murder’


I point out of my bedroom window where that old tree is looking all sweet and innocent’Please mom can we go back home to California?’

Mom gives me a kiss and wipes away my tears ‘Oh Nathaniel you are just distressed by your friend getting killed’

‘But i tell you what i will talk to your father about getting that tree cut down’


A few days later a truck pulls in next to the house and four men jump out.

Dad goes outside to greet them while i stay in my room and watch.

The workers remove axes chainsaws and some rope from the back of the truck and prepare to chop the killer tree down.


But first they stand around smoking and drinking coffee talking about god knows what.

They watch them jabbering for about five minutes until i cant stand it no more

I scream out my window’Hey assholes stop jerking around and get to work’

I look that tree right in the eye’Cut that fucker down and do it now’


The workers look up at me in surprise and stop there talking and get to work.

The chainsaws roar into live and one of the workers starts to cut but the machine gives out a screech and dies a death.

Hey Randy this tree is one tough mother i think it is time for the ‘beast’

The guy named Randy emerges from the truck holding what must be the biggest chainsaw in all of Rhode Island.

It is almost as big as the workers


Randy hands over the ‘beast’ and soon the sound of five Harley Davidsons fill the air.

I cover my ears as the ‘beast’ goes to work.


But soon i hear a loud snap and through a shower of sparks i see that the chain has broken and over a hundred deadly links are flying towards the house.

‘NO’ I scream but i know that it is useless.

I turn away as i hear both of my parents being ripped to shreds.


I am currently a resident of an orphanage in upstate New York

It is called an orphanage but really it is a home for lost and broken souls

I am sedated most of the time so my mind cant go back to that horrible day when i lost my mom and dad.

But through the haze i still remember.


I was told by a kind nurse in one of my more lucid moments that my parents were buried together back home in California.

I am happy that they will be with each other for eternity.

Now that i am alone in the world with no one to love and no one to love me.

I come to a decision.


I ask the kind nurse if she could drive me to the house in Providence so i can get some closure.

But mainly i want to confront that tree.


As the nurse drives she tells me all about herself and how happy she is with her life.

I am happy for her but it is time for me to enter the next world.

When she drives up the driveway i am aware of the sense of danger in the air.

And there isn’t a sound even the birds and animals know to give this place a wide berth.


Than without a word i walk toward that creepy old oak tree.

The tree opens its branches and bends down to welcome me.

I take my final breath and walk to my death.

I am engulfed and gladly go to my demise.

Now i am where i want to be

Revenge will be mine.









Whole Lot Of Trouble ( 2 )


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In part one I introduced you to a nine year old boy named Billy Faulkner who coming home from school one day came across an abandoned kitten.

He immediately fell in love with that ball of fluff and took it home.


But Billy soon found out that looking after a kitten isn’t easy.

First the kitten was sick all over Billy’s bed sheets so Billy waited until his mother had gone to bed.

Then he took the sheets into the laundry and put them into the washing machine where the kitten bumped a one pound box of soap into the washer.

And in the morning Billy was confronted by an angry mother and a house full of suds.

He couldn’t see his mom but he sure could hear her ‘What have you done this time mister you are grounded for a month,now go back into your room and think about what you have done while I clean up this mess’

The kitten follows Billy oblivious to the trouble that  he has caused and with a meow he knows that there is more trouble to come.

He has only just started.


Part Two

It is the first of December and Billy is helping his mom put up the Christmas tree.

While they erect the tree branch by branch bauble by bauble trouble the kitten watches proceedings from a safe distance.

Once all of the decorations are carefully arranged and about a thousand lights are draped from every branch of the tree.

Billy’s mom plugs in the lights and turns them on.


Well the kitten goes completely ballistic running around the room like a headless chicken until it finally takes off down to the safety of the basement.

Billy and his mom are in stitches as they watch the kitten disappear.

But they soon recover and settle down to watch some TV while stealing glances at the shiny big tree.


A while later trouble builds up the nerve to enter the living room where it sits on the floor next to Billy looking at the alien in the room with a mixture of fear and complete bafflement.

He sits there for over twenty minutes waiting for the right time to spring an attack.

Then he gets up onto his haunches and springs into action.

He lands halfway up the tree where he soon finds out that he has bitten more than he can chew.

Trouble scrambles to the top of the tree and hangs on for grim death.

He wriggles his tail around trying to get a better hold where it becomes tangles around a dozen or more Christmas lights.

Trouble starts to panic and he bites at the cable holding the lights.

Well a shower of sparks fill the room and all the lights go out and Billy and his mom watch in amazement as a little furry comet flies across the room.


A week later after a visit to the vet Trouble is given the all clear and Billy takes the kitten back home.

He looks at the singed and sad kitten’Dont worry Trouble the vet said that your fur will grow back in a month or so’

‘Hey maybe I should have called you Smokey?’ Billy laugh’s until it hurts.

Trouble the kitten doesn’t see the funny side and with as much dignity as he can muster slowly leaves the room.


Trouble quickly recovers from his injuries and once more he is doing what cats do.

That is getting into trouble and hunting for it’s prey.

First he wanders down to his favourite room in the house the basement.

Here he has lots of room to run around plus the room is also full of mice.

And over the next three hours he catches about mice.

Where one by one he carries those rodents up to his masters mothers room.

And with great dexterity he arranges his kill around her pillow.


At 4 06 exactly the whole neighbourhood wakes to an almighty screech.

Is someone being attacked?

Have the little green men from Mars finally attacked?

Billy wakes with fright but soon realises that the sound is coming from his mom’s room so he jumps out of bed and races to the scene of the crime.

God it sounds like ma is giving birth to a baby hippo’


Billy runs into his moms room to find a shit load of mice scattered around the room

And a proud kitten standing in the corner.

‘Billy that cat has got to go it almost give me a heart attack,that cat is nothing but trouble’

But mom he is only showing you how much he likes you’

‘The mice were a present’


Sorry Billy but first thing in the morning that kitten is going to the pound’

‘You can get another pet.how about a goldfish or a hampster or maybe one of those nice pet rocks?’

But mommy I want to keep my kitty,please please one last chance?’

Sorry Billy but my nerves can only take so much”


Billy picks up his kitten and runs back to his room in distress.

He knows all about the pound Trouble will go there and after a while he will get the needle.

Go to sleep and never wake up.

Billy will never let that happen so he paces around his room trying to think of a way to convince his mom to let him keep Trouble.

And soon a cunning plan enters his brain.


He picks up Troubles food and water bowls opens his bedroom door to check that the coast is clear.

Then he creeps down to the basement with Trouble hot on his heels.

He sits on the floor cradling his kitten in his lap ‘OK Trouble you will have to stay down here for a while until mom comes around’


Trouble senses his masters sorrow and meows in sadness and after a few minutes Billy hugs his kitten and tells him to lay low and stay out of trouble

Then he goes  back to his bedroom and opens the window.


In the morning  Billy enters the kitchen where his mom is preparing breakfast.

Mom Trouble escaped last night I think he must of jumped out my window and run off into the fields’

Billy looks all sad and he even manages a tear or two.

His mom gives him a skepical look but soon realises that her son is crying ‘Oh Billy it is for the best,Trouble will be wild and free and who knows maybe he will find his family”

Billy nods and produces a few more crocodile tears.


Over the following days and weeks Billy plays with Trouble when his mom is out shopping or at work.

But that all changed on the night of 2nd February.


It started out as any other day Billy had come home from school he had a snack then went down to the basement to visit Trouble.

A couple of hours later his mom came home from work carrying a huge bucket of KFC.

Billy and his mom sit on the couch with the bucket of chicken between them as they watch the Simpsons on the tube.

Billys mom has had nothing to eat all day and she is swallowing way too fast and soon a bone gets lodged in her throat.


Meanwhile down in the basement Trouble is half asleep waiting for his master to bring him some food.

When the smell of fried chicken hits his nostrils.


Up on the family room Billy is running around not knowing what to do.

His moms face has gone from red to a nasty shade of purple.

The situation is getting deadly serious.

Billy calls 911 on his cell phone hoping that they get here real quick.


Trouble is halfway up the stairs when he hears his masters cries for help.

So he takes off like a cheetah chasing down a gazelle.

And right away he notices the female in distress.

Luckily for Billy Trouble knows exactly what to do.

He climbs up the curtain onto a bookcase and without a moments hesitation launches himself into thin air.


Billy is still talking to 911 when he looks up to see trouble flying through the air.

Trouble the first cat in space.


Billys mom is in a really bad way almost at heavens door when Trouble lands on her chest with a thud.

The chicken bone is dislodged from her airways and ricochets around the room

The paramedics soon arrive and after and Billy’s mom is given the all clear.


Billy gives his mom a big hug and welcomes her back to the land of the living.

Then they both look over to Trouble the hero and saviour.


But Trouble is oblivious to all the attention.

He is way to busy chewing on that pesky chicken bone.

And I get the feeling that he is here to stay.

He isn’t going anywhere.





Ribbons Of Blood


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This is a story about writers block and a killer typewriter.Enjoy


Everyone has heard of Victor Bradstreet,a multiple award winning author of crime and suspense novels.

He has been the master of the genre for over 25 years with over 100 million books in publication.

Eight of his novels have been adopted to the silver screen with ‘Death Before Awakening’ winning an oscar.

But that was four years ago.


Today Victor is sitting at his desk in his private hideaway in Springwood Virginia the perfect spot to get away from it all and write.

But Victor hasn’t written a word in months,he went to Virginia to try and cure a bad case of writers block,but so far it hasn’t worked.

He thought that going up there from L.A would give him some inspiration,but all he has achieved since arriving is sit around full of self pity while drinking  bottle after bottle of the finest bourbon.


As he takes a long pull from a glass of the amber liquid Victor sighs in desperation and despair.

Since he started writing when he was a teenager he has never had any trouble writing,usually his fingers fly over the keyboard as his thoughts turn into words.

Victor doesn’t know what he has to do to defeat his writers block ,so  he sits at his desk as the day turns into night.

At midnight after polishing off another yet another bottle Victor staggers to his feet and goes to bed.


In the morning Victor wakes up with a huge hangover his head is throbbing and his stomach churns threatening to bring up its contents.

He stumbles out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom and as he stands there emptying his bladder he pears at his reflection in the bathroom mirror and he doesn’t like what he sees.

Victor is a proud man and has always tried to look his best but now as he looks at himself in the mirror an old man looks back at him.

Victor knows that he has  been drinking too much because of his inability to write,he looks at the old man and mutters ‘Where have all the words gone?’


Around lunchtime Victor decides to drive into town to pick up some supplies,anything to get away from the confines of the cabin and get some fresh air.

So he jumps into his BMW puts on his seat belt and listens to Tom Petty sing ‘Free Falling’ on the radio,and for a few minutes Victor forgets all about his writers block as he sings along.


But when the song is over he remembers an email he received from his publisher about a week before he drove up to Virginia’Dear Mr Bradstreet,this is your final reminder about  the manuscript for your new novel that is now six months overdue.If said manuscript isn’t delivered to our office within 30 days you will be in breach of contract.

Therefore we will begin legal proceedings to recover the five million dollar advance we paid you’


As Victor continues to drive his knuckles turn white on the steering wheel,he has earned his publishers a lot of money and they threaten to sue him?.

Maybe he should send the advance back to the ungrateful assholes and retire down to New Zealand or Australia.

But no goddamn it i am a writer and i need to write so i will write again.Fuck em.


When he arrives at his destination he enters the general store where he is greeted by the owner.a friendly old man named Albert Finnegan.

Victor and Albert exchange greetings in passing as Victor picks up a basket and wanders the aisles picking up essentials like milk bread cheese and of course a few bottles of bourbon.

As he places some canned beans and pork into his basket an object in the corner of the store catches his eye.

Sitting on a rickety old table gathering dust is a beat up old olivetti typewriter vintage 1070 or so.


Victor rubs his hands over the machine like a teenager in lust,he has to have this typewriter and he will have it.’Hey Albert do you have any paper for this old olivetti?

‘Sure do Mr Bradstreet,i will throw in ten reams for nothing if you take that thing off my hands’

Something in Alberts voice concerns Victor and he looks over at the old man behind the counter but he seems to be okay.

For a moment there it sounded to Victor that Albert was almost afraid of the dusty old typewriter.


At home Victor packs away his groceries and goes back outside retrieve the olivetti from his BMW.

He opens the rear door bends down to pick up the typewriter but it isn’t there,Victor scratches his head he could have sworn that he put it on the back seat,maybe he left it back at the store?

Then he notices the typewriter sitting loud and proud on the front seat,how can a typewriter change seats?

Then Victors skin crawls as he takes a closer look not only has the olivetti changed seats but it has transformed.

It is no longer an old beat up dust covered machine,now the typewriter is shiny and gleaming like it was made in the factory last week.


With some trepidation Victor carries the typewriter inside and places it in the middle of the kitchen table.

Then he opens a ream of paper and feeds a sheet into his new typewriter and types a title that has haunted him for months’Graves Of Murder’.He pours himself a drink and settles down to write his new novel.

But after an hour not a single word has been typed,Victor empties his glass then throws it at the wall where it explodes in smithereens.

Victor wails at the moon than he hangs his head and starts to cry.


kerclack kerclack kerclack kerclack


Victor looks up in surprise as the keys on the typewriter  go up and down of their own accord,typing at about 100 words a minute.

Victor looks on in wonder and feeds page after page into the machine as it continues to type for the next three hours.

When the olivetti stops typing Victor pulls out the final page he gathers the manuscript together and starts to read’Holy shit! This is good,it is some of my better work’

‘I haven’t written this good in years’


Victor sends the manuscript off to his publisher and a week later he received a reply

‘Congratulations Victor ‘Graves Of Murder is your best novel to date and it is sure to top the bestseller list from coast to coast.

We here at crondon press were worried there for a while but now i can see that our worries were unfounded because you you are back with a venegeance,look forward to your next novel

Victor beams with pride and looks over at the typewriter.

And the typewriter looks back.


‘Graves Of Murder’ is published to instant acclaim world wide.

Victor does the talk show circuit where he soaks up all the praise and applause.

No way will he retire,now that he is on top of the game again,he can’t wait to get back to his hideaway so that his olivetti can type him another best seller.


When he arrives back at his cabin the first thing he does is feed a sheet of paper into the olivetti,he types in the title Dead Forever’ than he runs upstairs for a qick shower and a change of clothes.

But as he walks downstairs after freshening up he is instantly hit by the sound of silence,he enters the kitchen where he unleashes on the machine’Come on you fucker write  me another best seller and write it now mister or there will be hell to pay’


kerclack kerclack kerclack kerclack


‘Why you ungrateful piece of shit,I have turned your life around you are on the best sellers lists all over the world and all you do is abuse me and threaten my existence’

‘Because i am telling you now that unless you feed me and treat be kindly only one of us  will survive and it wont be you’

‘So shut the fuck up and feed me feed me now’

Victor leans forward and types’Feed you what?


kerclack  kerclack kerclack kerclack


‘Feed me your blood right here and now or i can guarantee that you die a horrible slow death’

Victor reads the words with horror Who does this fucking typewriter think it is.I am the master in this relationship’

But he is desperate to remain on the best seller list so he grabs a knife and pricks his little finger and watches as his blood drips onto the typewriter ribbons.


kerclack kerclack kerclack kerclack


What the fuck? I don’t want a snack i want the main course so give me a good feed or face the consequences’

Victor takes a deep breath rolls up and sleeve and opens up his left wrist,his blood flows into the olivetti and is swallowed down and in swallowed down with satisfaction.




Victor feels himself going into shock as he listens to the typewriter digest his blood.

The cut on his wrist is deep but not life threatening,he opens the first aid kit and applies a pressure bandage.

And his blood ceases to flow.


Victor is scared as he eyes the evil typewriter he likes being a great writer again and achieving worldwide fame.

But he doesn’t want to die to satisfy the thirst of a olivetti,so he decides that he will ditch the typewriter and go back to writing the old fashioned way.

So he sneaks up behind the typewriter and carries it out to the backyard where he throws it to the ground.

He goes to the shed and returns with a can of lighter fluid,he sprays the typewriter and sets it alight.

‘Burn olivetti burn’


Victor goes back inside glad that he is now free from that blood sucking typewriter,he pours himself a large bourbon to celebrate and settles down to write.

With his favourite mont blanc fountain pen in hand and a calfskin pad in his lap Victor is confident that the words will soon fill the page.

But after hours of willing and pleading to his pen to start writing another best seller nothing is written not even a title.fVictor enters the kitchen to make himself something to eat and to occupy his mind  for a while.

And as he cleans up the cant help but to notice the smouldering typewriter out in the yard.

Part of him wants to run out and put out the fire,but instead he goes upstairs brushes his teeth and retires for the night.


kerclack kerclack kerclack kerclack


Victor wakes up so fast he almost bounced out of bed

Was that really the sound of a typewriter that woke him up? He puts on his dressing gown and creeps down the stairs in dread.

The smell of burnt metal hits his nostrils like a sledgehammer and the back door is wide open.

He peaks around the kitchen door frame and his eyes open wide in terror because sitting in the middle of the kitchen table sits a burnt twisted hunk of metal.


One look is all that Victor needs he grabs his car keys from a side table and races toward the back door and he is only a few feet from freedom when his airways are blocked off.

The olivetti  seeing Victor trying to escape throws out its blood soaked ribbons like a fisherman casting his net.

The ribbons from hell wrap around Victors throat and pull him in foot by foot.

Victor struggles as hard as he can,but he can’t himself being pulled back toward the murderous typewriter.


kerclack kerclack kerclack kerclack


‘I warned you Victor but you chose to disobey me,so now you can go to hell and burn for eternity like you burnt me’

Victor no longer has the strength to resist the typewriter and now he stands near the machine as the ribbons squeeze tighter and tighter.

Then with a final show of power the ribbons tighten like a vice and Victors head is separated from his body and lands on the thirsty typewriter where his blood satisfies the hungry olivetti.


After its meal the typewriter sits on the kitchen table savouring the blood while it waits for the police to arrive.

And even out here they surely will even if it takes a week.

The flies will make sure of that




I hope you enjoyed my story and don’t mind waiting awhile because part two Tie A Red Ribbon’ is coming soon.

Albuquerque Turkey


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Over in Albuquerque new mexico there is tension in the air.

People walk the streets in trepidation because they sense that something is going down.

Nobody knows who how or why.

But there is one thing for certain feathers are about to fly.


If you travel south from Albuquerque the suburbs gradually give way to agriculture and you will arrive at a small town named los lunas.

The area is dotted with apple groves and peach orchards but los lunas is mainly known for its turkey farms and processing plants.

Where they process over 500,000 birds everyday.

But for the people in and around Albuquerque there will soon be hell to pay


gobble gobble gobble


In an isolated turkey farm a female bird is sitting near the perimeter fence crying and shaking in distress.

All of her friends have disappeared one by one and she hasn’t got a clue where they have gone or why they haven’t come back.

Then she hears a scratching sound from the woodland near a dusty trail.

She looks up as a male turkey steps into view and he is looking in her direction.

He wanders over for a gander and to see what all the crying is about.

The female is sitting all lonely weeping and sobbing in the dirt.

While the male walks a little closer and by the way his name is Bert.


gobble gobble gobble


The female who is named Hilda is shy at first but she soon opens up and tells the male turkey about her friends who have vanished.

She tells him how her friends were all loaded onto trucks and driven away to god knows where.

As the female turkey continues to talk( they tend to do this a lot) Bert gets a funny feeling beneath his skin.

And it isn’t from the stuffing or constant basting.

He needs to get to the bottom of this right now and time is wasting.


Bert knows that the trucks hold the answer to the vanishing turkeys.

Maybe the turkeys have just gone on a day trip or are visiting relatives in California?

But than again why don’t they ever come back?

He reaches out a wing towards the fence to pat Hilda goodbye when he blown back twenty foot.

He tumbles head over parsons nose and lands with a heavy thud.

Hilda calls out ‘Sorry I forgot to tell you that the fence is electrified.’ Bert cant answer because he has been roasted baked and totally fucking fried.


gobble gobble gobble


But Bert is made from giblets of steel so he just shakes his drumsticks and slowly gets to his feet.

His wattle and snood turn red in anger and defiance and smoke appears from beneath his tail feathers.

With a wave to Hilda he waddles off towards his home in Arizona and as he walks he keeps an eye out for a wily coyote.

When he gets home he will report back to his boss colonel guajolote.


Colonel guajolote is the biggest meanest turkey in the while mid west.

He stands four foot tall with a body scarred from many fights and battles.

The colonel also sports a patch over his left eye from sticking his nose in where it doesn’t belong.

At the moment he is annoyed after been awoken from his midday slumber but he listens intently as Bert his messenger tells him about the goings on over in Albuquerque.

His snood has turned deep purple and his wattle bobbles around performing a little war dance.

He silences Bert with a deadly stare as he gazes in the direction of new mexico.

His enemies will never forget the destruction that he is about to bring.

The fight hasn’t started yet but the bell is about to ring.


gobble gobble gobble


Early the next morning a band of wild turkeys march off in formation towards the battlefields over near Albuquerque.

They know that they are marching into battle but they are all seasoned veterans.

So the turkeys all moved forward with their chests puffed out and with feathers freshly preened.

The turkeys stick to the back roads and forest tracks as they head west.

These birds aren’t over stuffed or under baked they are the best of the best.


When they reach the farm two days later Bert warns colonel guajolote and the other turkeys about the electrified fence.

Their feathers stand on end as static fills the air and they stand at attention waiting for further orders.

Colonel guajolote realises that they can’t go through or under the fence so he will have to come up with a different plan of attack.

Because not only is the colonel big and mean and mighty unclean but he is also the most battle savvy bird in the flock.

To colonel guajolote there is no such thing as a roadblock.


gobble gobble gobble


The thirty odd turkeys hide in the underbrush as they watch the farm with binoculars.

Every now and then a truck will pull in and leave with a full load of healthy looking birds

Where do they go ?And why don’t they ever return?

Colonel guajolote shakes his head in frustration as he watches the truck drive away.

He is getting too old for this shit all he ever wanted was a loving wife and a field full of corn.

But here he is running around like Jason freaking Bourne.


He mightn’t be Jason Bourne but he is still one mean mother plucker.

And he wont rest until he finds the missing turkeys so he tells his warrior turkeys to keep watching the farm.

While he takes a ride on one of the trucks to see where they go to

So when the next truck starts to pull out he jumps up and hitches a ride.


When he looks at the turkeys on the truck he notices that they aren’t happy at all.

They are crammed into crates where they cant move eat or drink.

The colonels blood begins to boil as he looks at his fellow turkeys looking all sad and forlorn.

Then the air brakes sound the truck has reached its destination.

The colonels heart burns in his chest with a sinking sensation.


gobble gobble gobble


Straightaway he smells the stench of blood shit and death and he hangs his head in distress

He now knows why none of the turkeys ever return home.

Soon the crates of turkeys are unloaded by a forklift and disappear inside the factory.

The colonel takes a deep breath as he waddles toward the front door.

The turkeys pain and suffering digs deep in his craw.


When he opens the door he has a quick look around then puts on a white coat and a hair net and makes his way over to reception.

The receptionist looks up to see the ugliest man she has ever seen approach the counter.

Hello my name is Gilbert Guajolote from the Albuquerque  Health Board and I am here to inspect the facilities.’

The receptionist checks the appointments for the day”I am sorry but there is nothing here about any inspection today’

The colonel stands up straight and leans over the counter ‘Of course there isn’t so please go and inform the manager that I am here and make it snappy’

The receptionist smiles but she isn’t very happy.


gobble gobble gobble


A harried looking man soon arrives and is taken aback by the appearance of the inspector,surely he is the ugliest man on the planet.

‘Sorry for the delay my name is Harry Bastingwand please follow me’

Colonel guajolote breathes deep and steps over the threshold.

But the sight before him soon stops him in his tracks.

Hundreds and hundreds of dead featherless turkeys swing above the production line.

The colonel soon recovers and faces his fallen comrades with a quivering beak.

He raises a wing in a heartfelt salute turns on his heels and gets the fuck out of that murderous place.

Tome would surely stop if it saw the look on his face.


Once outside the colonel looks up to the heavens and screams a mighty war cry.

It echoes up and down the hills and valleys in new mexico Arizona and some say it was heard in Nevada and down to texas.

All of the wild turkeys in those states look to the sky and listen to the call to arms from the head of all turkeys.

A cry for freedom from down near Albuquerque.


gobble gobble gobble


Colonel guajolote is in a rage as he continues to scream for help.

But he is afraid that his cries might not be heard by all of his allies so he climbs to the summit of the sandia peak tramway and builds himself a huge funeral pyre.

He covers himself in warpaint and dances around the fire until it dies down to embers.

Then he slowly flaps his wings amongst the wisps of smoke.

He flaps and sways until the tendrils of smoke start to form words.

The words are seen by the all of the turkeys in the united states.

Hopefully the turkeys will spring into action before it is too late.


Along the width and breadth of north America the words of smoke are seen by over 50 million wild turkeys.

Who soon form themselves into armies of birds,they storm turkey farms and processing plants and set free their captive friends.


gobble gobble gobble


On the streets of America there is complete and utter chaos

It is almost thanksgiving and all of the TV networks are reporting a shortage this year in fact there are none to be had.

Supermarkets and convenience stores are bombarded by customers trying to keep the tradition alive.

They want turkey and they want it now but all stores have no turkeys this season.

All of the turkeys have escaped and are hiding in the undergrowth away from their tormentors and foes.


Colonel guajolote is one satisfied turkey.

He is now old and is enjoying his retirement.

His grandchildren keep him busy but he wouldn’t want it any other way.

He is proud of his achievements  and on thanksgiving every year he raises a glass to all of  the fallen turkeys.

All is well down near Albuquerque.


gobble gobble gobble

Carpenters Crack


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The following is a story about an annoying little crack


Everyone in the world has heard about the andreas fault line in the united states.

But there is also a little known fissure down under in Australia.

The carpenters crack.


The crack first appeared on the evening of 26 August 2016.


It ran right down the middle of the main road in Alice Springs,Northern Territory.

At first it was only five feet long and a foot deep.

But as every hour when by the crack got longer wider and deeper.


At 11 pm when all of the pubs closed for the night a local named Joel Carpenter stumbles outside.

He is wearing a wobbly boot and has a serious case of the munchies

The local take away is lit up like a Christmas tree so Joel makes his way over and orders a works burger and a shit load of chips.

As he wait for his food Joel plays a battered old pinball machine and sings along with the radio.

When his number is called he grabs his meal and goes out into the night.


After a while he crosses the main street to take a short cut through the park when the road beneath him

Joel cries out in surprise but manages to grab hold of the edge of the asphalt with one hand.

He has dropped the bag of chips but the burger is held in a vice like grip.


But he sobers up real quick when he realises the trouble that he is in.

So he has one last bite from from tasty burger and reluctantly lets it drop into the crack.

And luckily Joel’s cries were heard by a few of the locals who come running over to see what the commotion is all about.

And they look over the edge of the crack in wonder.


One of them is a loud mouth who goes by the name of Bones pipes up’Well well well if it isn’t Joel Carpenter stuck in a crack’

Ha ha ha a carpenters crack,do you all get it ,do ya?’

I get it Bones’ Joel screams from below’But why don’t you stop flapping your gums and pull me up’.

And so the carpenters crack was born.


Once Joel is back on terra firma he and the others look down at the opening in the middle of the main drag.

What caused the road to crack open in the first place?

The ground didn’t shake so  there wasn’t an earthquake.

Plus there aren’t any volcano’s in Australia.

So maybe it is a sink hole or worse it is the Devil downstairs getting ready to make an appearance.


The authorities soon arrive and the whole area is cordoned off,search lights are set up around the perimeter.

And five policemen are stationed to keep an eye on the crack and to keep the locals away until reinforcements arrive from Adelaide at first light.


The carpenters crack is nasty but at the same time somewhat alluring.

You want to avert your eyes but you can’t stop looking.


After a few hours of patrolling the area the cops are bored out of their minds so they wander back to a squad car for some coffee and donuts.

But after eating a dozen chocolate glazed and drinking a thermos full of instant coffee they aren’t in the mood to going back on patrol.

So they decide to stay in the car and keep an eye on the crack from the comfort of the upholstered seats.


Than an almighty boom revertabrates throughout the outback it sounds like the sky is falling.

The police jump out of the car just in time and watch in amazement as the crack opens and their squad car disappears into the void.


The crack is moving faster than any carpenter ever has,it moves with lightning speed as it rips the Northern Territory apart.

What just a few hours ago was just an annoying little

Is now a national emergency.


As the cracks races north it hits the largest rock in the world the mammoth Uluru and it collapses into a pile of stone and dust.

And the wetlands of Kakadu National Park drain down into the abyss.

The crack is also ripping and tearing as it races south completely cutting off remote communities and small towns.

And because this disaster is happening way out beyond the black stump.

Most Australians aren’t even aware that a national crisis is afoot until they wake up and turn on the good morning news.


They watch as the crack explodes north toward Darwin and south to the great australian bite.

Helicopters fly over the over the crack sending back vision that sends a whole country into mourning.

Is Australia about to be torn in half?


In Canberra,the capitol of Australia,the prime minister is in crisis talks with his ministers about this latest disaster to hit the country.

And after an hour of discussion he orders the military to be mobilised.

If this crack isn’t stopped in its tracks Australia will be split in two.


In South Australia the crack is heading straight towards cockapiddy a small town on the nullabor plain.

While up north the crack is closing in fast on Tennant Creek.

Will these and other communities survive the crack?


A nation holds its breath.


The commander of the military General Roger B Highpants knows that he hasn’t got much time.

So he hitches up his trousers and gives the command ‘Take that crack down’

And after a day of bombardment the crack is obliterated and Australia is saved in the nick of time.


Not one Australian went to work that day they all gathered around their esky’s and BBQ’s.

And watched as the brave men and women of the armed forces bombed the shit out of that crack.

The slate has been wiped clean.


Live in Australia and in particular the small towns in the outback has returned to normal.

The crack is longer a immediate threat to the people of the nation.

But you can be reassured that everyone is on the lookout for another outback crack attack.



Whole Lot Of Trouble


, , , , ,

This is a story about a mischievous Kitten who is more than a handful.


It is just before midnight and under an old abandoned house a mother cat is about to give birth.

She has built a sheltered area behind a rusty hot water tank the perfect place to deliver her kittens.


This is her fifth litter and she is struggling to breathe,her heart is racing and her blood pressure is rising.

If she doesn’t give birth soon she might not survive the ordeal.

In desperation she gives a massive push and delivers nine healthy kittens.


But a tiny male kitten is just hanging on to life.

He is the runt of the litter and soon he is pushed aside by his brothers and sisters so he isn’t getting the nourishment he needs.

And when he finally latches onto a teat all he gets is a few lousy drops.


He falls asleep not knowing that he  is in mortal danger.

If he doesn’t get a decent suckle soon he wont survive more than a day or two.

But he sleeps his little tail wags as he dreams that he is the biggest baddest cat in the neighbourhood.

The meanest tom in town.


When he wakes he fights his siblings in a final effort to suckle his mothers milk and he is the first kitten that morning to latch onto a teat.

And over the following days and weeks his strength and stamina improve he is no longer the runt of the litter.

In fact he has become downright bossy and demanding constantly fighting for milk and attention.


The mother cat has noticed the kitten fighting and not wanting to get along with her other kittens.

She puts up with it until the bossy kitten has put on weight and is ready to face the world and regretfully she has come to a decision.

She picks up the kitten by the scruff of the neck and carries him outside and puts him down by the back fence.

Then she licks him goodbye and trots back to her other kittens.


The kitten watches as his mother until she is no longer in view.

Now for the first time in his short life he is completely alone in the big bad world.

He curls up into a little ball to make himself invisible to predators and cries and whines in his loneliness.


Nine year old Billy Faulkner is on his way home from school when he hears a strange noise coming from the long grass nearby.

He has a look and discovers a little kitten looking sad and forlorn crying for it’s mother.

Without a second thought he picks up the furball and puts it in his backpack and walks home.

Hopefully his mommy will let him keep the kitten.


Arriving home Billy says hello to his mommy who is in the kitchen preparing his favourite snack chocolate chip cookies and a big glass of milk.

Billy normally would talk to his mommy about his day at school but today is different.

So he tells his mommy he has a lot of homework to do so he takes his snack and backpack into his room.


In his room Billy feeds the kitten crumbs of cookies and lets it slurp milk straight from the glass.

Than for twenty minutes or so Billy and his new kitten pay and tumble around on his bed.

But because the kitten hasn’t been weaned yet he cant digest the cookies properly and soon smelly stuff is coming out of both ends.


Billy starts to cry because his mommy will surely give him a spanking when she finds the dirty sheets and wont let him keep his kitten.

So he keeps quite at dinner and pretends that all is well as he chats about school and the new friends that he has made.

But he doesn’t mention the kitten now isn’t the right time he will tell her first thing in the morning.


After watching television for a few hours together Billy’s mom kiss’es him goodnight and tells him that it is time for bed.

Billy says ‘goodnight mommy’ and goes to his bedroom where he waits for an hour to make sure that his mommy is asleep.

Than he drags the dirty sheets into the laundry.


Billy has never used the washing machine before ,but how hard can it be?

He picks up the box of detergent wondering how many scoops to add when the kitten jumps onto the machine.

‘No kitty get down you have caused enough trouble already’ but the kitten is in a playful mood and nudges the box of soap.’No kitty no’ but Billy cant stop what happens next he can only watch as the contents of the box fall into the washing machine.

‘Oh well’ Billy thinks,at least the sheets will be nice and clean.


Billy and the kitten go back into his room waiting for the machine to complete it’s cycle.

They play for a while until Billy starts to yawn and the kitten follows suite and falls asleep.

Billy reads a comic book as the kitten sleeps on his chest ‘Jesus how long does it take for a wash to finish?One more chapter and i will go check’


But Billy doesn’t get to the end of the chapter he falls asleep and he and the kitten are soon snoring in unison.

With both of them dreaming pleasant thoughts.


Billy is awoken in the morning by an almighty shriek.

He sits up in his bed ‘God it sounds like mommy is having a cow.’

‘Maybe she has seen a mouse or a spider’ But when he enters the hallway he is confronted by a wall of suds.’Holy shit what have i done?

Through the bubbles he can see mommy slipping and sliding down the floorboards.

He tries not to smile but he can’t help himself.,but the smile soon vanishes’Billy what in the fuck have you done?’


Billy can’t believe what he is hearing his mommy has never said the F word before’OK mister start talking and make it quick’

Billy tries to get the words out but they are stuck in his throat so he takes a deep breath and starts again’Sorry mommy but i found a little kitten yesterday so i brought him home to look after it.but i fed it too many cookies and it spewed all over my sheets’

‘So i put the sheets in the washing machine but i must of used too much detergent’

He smiles like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth hoping that mommy will see the funny side.


But before his mommy can say a word the kitten in question strolls into the room like it owns the place.

Purring and meowing for attention.

Billy bends down and picks up his new best fiend knowing that he is still in trouble.

‘Please mommy can i keep him?He want get in the way,please can he stay?’


When she see’s that her son is on the verge of tears her heart softens ‘Alright Billy the kitten can stay,but you will have to look after it and keep it out of my way’

So mother and son go shopping for everything that a kitten would need.

Cat food,flea collar,food and water bowls and a litter tray.


But right a way there is trouble.

The kitten refuses to use the litter tray,instead it chooses to leave little piles all over the house.

It scratches the stuffing out of all of the furniture and sheds hair everywhere.


Billy is continually running behind the kitten picking up all of the little parcels.

But he is losing the battle and soon the house smells like a cats toilet.

‘God who knew that owning a kitten would be so much trouble?’


That night Billy forgot to close his bedroom door and the kitten takes the opportunity to go for a midnight stroll.

He wanders up the stairs and straight into Billy’s mommy’s room.

The smell of female hormones and the comforting beat of a heart has caught his attention.

So he jumps up and snuggles on those twin peaks.


Then he changes position until he is sitting on her face.

And soon she wakes up struggling to breathe,she is being smothered to death by something warm and furry.

She takes a hold of the obstruction and throws it across the room where the kitten lands and takes off like a bat out of hell.


Billy’s mom opens her eyes in time to see the kitten race out of her room.

She smiles to herself but at the same time she knows that this kitten is going to be a whole lot of trouble.


Part two of this story is coming soon so come back and feed your need to read.

Hell Dorado ( Part Two )


, , , , ,

In part one of this story I introduced you to Daniel Carruthers a mild mannered archivist who has worked at the national library in London for over twenty years.

But Daniel was bored out of his mind there must be more to life than working as a civil servant.

He needed something to spice up his life.


And as luck would have it one day as he was sorting through a box of old books and letters.

He came across a journal that belonged to the famous explorer Sir Walter Raleigh.

As Daniel read the journal the came across that chapter that mentions el dorado and a map of it’s possible location.

Already the lust for gold has infected Daniel’s brain.


He quit his job and flew to Colombia where he met a local named Miquel who became his business partner.

Together they led an expedition of a dozen guides on the quest for el dorado where they travelled through the jungle looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.


After two weeks of searching and finding nothing the group camp on the edge of a raging river to contemplate their next move.

The guides threaten to turn back if they aren’t paid immediately and soon an argument brakes out and Miquel is shot and killed.

Daniel and one of the Guido wrestle over the journal and fall into the swirling water below.

Taking the journal with them.


Part Two.

When Daniel and Guido hit the water they are immediately swept downstream where they tumble around like ragdolls scraping their bodies on some sharp rocks.

They both shoot to the surface bloodied and bruised but still alive Daniel is clutching the journal to his chest.

And miraculously it is still bone dry.


The remaining guides follow the two downstream in a couple of rusty old land rovers than one of them points ahead to a massive waterfall.

If they can get to the bottom of the falls before the two doomed men then they can get their hands on the journal and become rich beyond their wildest dreams.


Daniel and Guido are both struggling to stay alive when they both go over the edge to an almost certain death.


Beneath the falls the guides watch as Daniel and Guido go over the edge it is fifty metres down to a lagoon below.

There is no way that anyone could survive that fall.


As he goes to his death Daniel knows that he was a fool to travel halfway across the world seeking his fortune in gold.

El dorado has become hell dorado.

He closes his eyes says goodbye to his family and friends and waits for the inevitable.


All the way down he clutches the journal that has brought him nothing but pain and sorrow.

He wants to throw the journal into the water but for some reason he just can’t let go.

Than a hand grabs hold of Daniel’s left ankle and he and Guido are pulled into the waterfall.


On the shoreline the guides watch in disbelief as the two men disappear from view.

One second they were falling to their death than they just vanish into thin air.

They wait for an hour and still no bodies appear so they decide to hang around until they can get their hands on the journal.


When Daniel comes to his senses he realises that it wasn’t a hand  that saved him and Guido from a certain death it was a tentacle.

And that tentacle is attached to a giant octopus.


The octopus is at least thirty feet in length with tentacles the same length again and it holds Daniel and Guido in a death grip.

Guido is slowly losing his mind as the octopus squeezes even harder ‘Listen here you motherfucker if you don’t put me down right now I will turn you into a big pile of calamari and shit you out tomorrow’

The octopus swings Guido down and holds him under you water to knock the fight out of him.

Than the octopus brings the tentacle holding a stunned Guido to its beak and Guido is eaten alive.


Daniel is shaking with fright as he hears Guido’s bones snap as he becomes a part of the food chain.

The octopus swings Daniel towards it’s mouth and Daniel knows that there is no escape this time,he is about to become dessert and there is nothing he can do about it.

But than the octopus brings Daniel up to eye level where they stare at each other.

Daniel looks deep into the big black orb and prays for a quick death an end to this foolish adventure.

But the octopus has other ideas because he lowers Daniel to the ground and disappears beneath the murky depths.


Daniel can’t believe his luck as he watches the beast dive to digest his meal

He turns away and for the for time he has a chance to take in his surroundings and he can’t quite believe what he is seeing.

The sky is crimson and the trees are a vivid orange and overhead shines a huge blue moon

He looks at the journal to get his bearings and slowly makes his way toward a distant snow capped mountain’

Hopefully he will find the famous lake guatavita and discover the gold f el dorado.


As Daniel walks he studies the journal and he even starts to whistle he has a good feeling about this place.

Than from behind him he hears the sound of approaching hooves.And when he looks back he is astonished to see a white unicorn trotting toward him.


When the unicorn gets level with Daniel it stops and squats to the ground.’Are you going to stand there gawking or are you going to jump aboard so we can be on our way?’

Daniel mounts the talking unicorn and commands’Take me to el dorado’

The unicorn winks at Daniel and trots off toward the distant mountain.


Daniel hangs on to the unicorn’s mane as it gallops along a rocky path and than without even a ‘hang on’ the unicorn unfolds its wings and takes to the sky.

Daniel says a few words that his mother wouldn’t like and hangs on for grim death as the unicorn weaves  between the clouds on the way to el dorado.


After a few hours the pair reach the mountain and the unicorn flies lower and lower trying to find a good place to land.

Than a lake comes into view and the unicorn glides down and performs a perfect landing on the shoreline.

Daniel dismounts glad to be back on terra firma again.


Meanwhile the unicorn has wandered off to eat some orange leaves and pink grass.

Than it lifts its tail and deposits a pile of golden manure on the ground.

‘Holy crap’Daniel can’t believe his eyes as he stares down at the golden mound.

There is gold everywhere.


Daniel sits on he edge of the lake dangling his feet in the cold water when a figure appears in the middle of the lake guatavita.

Daniel stares in wonder at the man and righty assumes that this is non other than the legendary King El Rey Dorado.

The king stands seven feet tall and his body is covered in gold dust while his head is adorned with peacock feathers.


King El Rey Dorado raises both arms in the air and prays to the heavens than he reaches into a pouch on his waist and throws nuggets of gold into the lake to appease the gods.

And to bring good fortune to his people.


The king calls out to the unicorn who trots over to his master and after getting reacquainted

The king climbs onto the unicorn and the pair soon disappear around a bend.

Not once had the king even acknowledged Daniel’s presence.


When he is alone Daniel runs around like a madman scooping up as many nuggets as he can.

He fills all of his pockets and a backpack with the ill gotten gains and struggles to stay upright.

Now that he has proof of el dorado’s existence he will be able to convince the guides to come back and help him plunder the land until there is nothing left but dirt and dust.


Than it finally dawns on Daniel that he is lost and alone in a strange land but he is now very very rich what can be better than that?

He looks around at the magnificent lake and mountain than he sets course back toward the waterfall.

But he struggles under the weight of the gold.


He is having a rest on the side of the road when a dodo bird walks up to him ‘Need a ride?

Nothing about this land surprises Daniel anymore so he climbs onto the back of the dodo and tells it to head to the waterfall ‘Fly as fast as you can’

The dodo look back at Daniel with disdain ‘I am a dodo bird I do not fly but I can walk at a brisk pace’

Daniel nods his head and the dodo walks off toward the waterfall.

But it soon starts to tire.


‘You are too heavy please lose the excess weight  or I will have to leave you here’

Daniel isn’t about to leave any gold behind so he dismounts the dodo who quickly waddles away.


Daniel is now stranded many miles and hours of travel time from the waterfall and there is no way he can walk that far carrying all the gold.

He doesn’t want to jettison any gold but now he mightn’t have any choice.

Than he remembers the journal in his backpack he pulls it out hoping against hope that the journal will somehow come to the rescue.


He lays the journal on the ground and opens it to a page where a crude map has been drawn by Sir Walter Raleigh.

As Daniel looks at the map it stirs and comes to life he watches as the river starts to run the mist shrouds the mountain and in the corner of the map way in the distance comes the sound of the waterfall.


Than the journal opens up and spreads out in the shape of a magic carpet than it hovers up to level with Daniels knees.

‘Well fuck me sideways Daniel whispers in awe ‘A freaking magic carpet’ He crawls into the middle of the journal.

And without a sound it glides toward the distant waterfall and home.


As the magic carpet makes toward freedom Daniel laughs with glee and waves his arms around in the breeze.

He is feeling a lot like Ali Baba but without the turban and the forty thieves.

And that gets Daniel thinking and he decides that he want return to plunder this beautiful land he will leave el dorado in peace.


As Daniel was daydreaming he has failed to notice that the magic carpet is closing in fast on the waterfall. Too fast in fact.

Daniel screams a warning to the journal but it takes no notice as it races full steam ahead.

But at least the octopus is nowhere in sight.


But Daniel has spoken to soon because just than the octopus rears its ugly head.

Daniel know if the octopus will be in a forgiving mood this time so he screams at the journal to give it all it has and the journal wraps itself around Daniel and takes off faster than a speeding bullet.


The journal with Daniel wraps all snug inside enters the beak of the octopus through the stomach past the bowel and intestines.

Then it explodes out of the bung hole like a runaway torpedo.


The journal crashes through the waterfall and lands with a splash in the lagoon on the other side.

Then the journal unfolds again and it floats to where the guides have been patiently waiting.

‘Well well well what do we have here one of the guides says as he pulls Daniel to his feet.

Then he notices the bulge in Daniel pockets ‘What’s in your pockets asshole?’

Daniel hangs his head he knows he cant beat all of the guides so he empties his pockets and one hundred gold nuggets tumble to the ground.


Except there isn’t any nuggets at Daniel’s feet all there are is one hundred pieces of coal.

Daniel laughs out loud’Oh well easy come easy go’

‘Sorry fellas but there is no el dorado the journal was a fake there is no gold it was a fools errand’

The guides are dumbstruck and offer no reply.


Daniel walks toward the land rovers but looks back just in time to see the journal floating back underneath the waterfall.

El dorado is safe.

For now.









Bi-polar (polar)


, , , ,

Up in the arctic circle the polar bear is in a whole lot of trouble.

Winters are getting shorter and the temperature is rising.

And the pack ice is melting at an alarming rate.

And pack ice is essential if the polar is to hunt and survive.


If the polar bear can’t hunt and feed than that would be be end of the polar bear.

Do we really want to live in a world with no polar bear?

Well that is a real possibility if we don’t stop global warming right now.


But global warming isn’t the only threat facing the arctic circle right now


A rogue male polar bear named Frank is causing havoc with the animal population.

Word is spreading fast about this bear of many moods.

They call him cranky franky frank the tank and other names i can’t mention here.

And quite frankly the other animals have had enough.


At the moment Frank is feeling a little bit down.

In fact he is at the depth of despair.

You see Frank Frank is manic depressive or bi-polar as it is called these days.

He has found refuge in an old abandoned innuit igloo on the edge of the feeding


Frank hasn’t eaten in days because he can’t work up the energy to get out of bed

All because of a short circuit deep inside his brain.


Frank was the biggest polar bear in the area and could have had the pick of any female that he wanted.

If only the had the energy to venture outside.

Frank has no idea that his fat reserves are at a dangerously low level.

And if he doesn’t eat soon he will starve to death.

He has a look at the sleet falling outside rolls over and is soon fast asleep.


In the morning Frank feels like he could fly.

He jumps out of bed combs his fur sprays deodorant under his paw pits has a look in the mirror and goes outside.

He is ready for some serious polar bear action.


A female polar bear notices Frank standing outside his igloo looking skinny and desperate.

Like a boxer that has fought ten rounds and is slowly losing the fight.

The female has heard all about Frank and his moods so she gathers up her cubs heads to the hills.

Well there aren’t any hills in the arctic circle but she heads toward them anyway.

Because who knows what mood Frank is in today.


Frank cant help but notice the startled look on the females face.

Surely his moods haven’t been that bad?

But deep down Frank knows that lately he hasn’t been a very nice bear.

It is like living on the string of a yoyo up and down up and down.

Frank is getting dizzy because his moods are swinging so fast.

And he can’t control them.


A couple of days later Frank is moping about his igloo when an inner voice tells him that he really needs to eat.

So Frank works up the courage puts a smile on his face and goes outside to hunt.

And he is in luck.


Close to his igloo over a hundred walrus are relaxing on the ice digesting their lunch of fish and squid.

Frank sneaks up behind the walrus like a cat stalking a mouse.

But because he is way out of practise Frank bumbles and stumbles and the walrus

slip into the water turn around and flip Frank the bird.


Frank is ashamed of himself.

He is a polar bear so why can’t he behave like one?

Up here he is supposed to be on top of the food chain but at the moment he would struggle yo catch a cold.

Frank wanders back home with his tail between his legs.

Another day has gone by without him consuming any food.

This can’t go on much longer.


Frank is semi conscious in his igloo oblivious to a blizzard raging outside.

The wind is whipping up all sorts of muck and trouble

It also stirs up a patch of lichen and carries it off into the night.

And as luck would have it the lichen is blown straight into Franks igloo.

And a few pieces land on Franks tongue.


Frank coughs and splutters and swallows the lichen down.

Through out the night as Franks body digests the lichen his hormones regulate and go back on an even keel.

And in the morning Frank wakes up feeling refreshed having slept like a new born cub.


Frank is now back to his normal self.

The female bears are keeping him company once again.

And he is catching enough seals and walrus to feed the whole group.

Plus everyday he walks to a lichen patch to get his daily medication.

All is good in the world.


Frank the polar bear is controlling his mood swings completely unaware that his species

is under threat of extinction.

His enviroment is shrinking at an alarming rate.

All because of the activities of another species.

Homo sapians.


But knowing people like i do.

Nothing will get done until it is way too late.

Politicans will talk and talk until they are blue in the face

It will take them years to come to a decision.

And as people talk global warming will continue to decimate species and the ice will continue to melt.

It is now time for action.


Because it we don;t it will not only mean the extinction of the polar bear but the beginning of the end of mankind.




Stinger ( Part Two )


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In part one of this story i introduced you to El Groucho the meanest baddest drug smuggler in Mexico.

El Groucho had been smuggling drugs into America for decades but over  the last year or so all of his efforts have been thwarted by the american authorities.

So he came up with a very cunning plan.


He kidnapped an genetic scientist and his family and held them for ransom.

The scientist was told to come up with a way to smuggle drugs that was invisible to radar or his family would be killed.

After a week of trial and tribulation he finally came up with the idea of genetically modifying a wasp.

A wasp that at first was the size of a sparrow but now has grown to the size of a small plane.


The modified wasp started flying back and forth between Mexico and America delivering saddlebags full of cocaine to the american public and bringing back millions of dollars to El Groucho.

But during the long lonely flights the wasp started to dip its stinger into the saddlebags sampling the product.

And pretty soon the modified wasp was addicted.


Back in his compound El Groucho after having the scientist and hid family murdered.

Was busy counting his money when the modified wasp crashed through his living room wall killing a Few of El Groucho’s henchmen.

While El Groucho narrowly escaped by the skin of his teeth and made his way to a secret fortress near the pico de orizaba mountain.

And the modified flew off with his saddlebags full of cocaine.


Part Two.

The modified wasp has almost reached Texas feeling strung out a little bit worse for the weather.

Its saddlebags are empty and it desperately needs some relief.


The wasp is now the size of a large glider and is just as silent and like a stealth bomber it is invisible to radar,

With a stinger as long as a javelin and as thick as a mans arm

It is a weapon of enormous proportions a weapon of death.


The wasp starts to feel a little nostalgic as it comes in for a landing.

He never knew his mother but he knows that she was born in this neck of the woods.

So this is the perfect place to recuperate and rid his body from the drug dependency.


He lands near a large cave and crawls inside to cleanse his body and mind.

Then he closes his eyes and enters a state of hibernation.


As the wasp sleeps he shakes and shivers as his body screams out for a fix.

But he is not alone because all of the local insects come out to lend a helping hand.

They tend to all of his needs as he goes through cold turkey.


Two weeks later the wasp opens his eyes to the start of a brand new life

It crawls out of the cave and starts to beat his wings getting ready for takeoff.

And as he prepares to take to the sky he has only two things on his mind.

Rid America and Mexico from the scourge of drugs and to find and kill El Groucho.


At his fortress in the north of Mexico El Groucho is busy setting up a new operation.

He is still recovering from his encounter with the modified wasp but he is determined to once again be a major player in the drug trade.

After all the Americans still need to feed their habits and El Groucho is more than happy to supply their misery.


The wasp has just entered Mexican airspace when his stinger starts to twirl and twist it has honed in on a drug making warehouse.

The wasp lands silently on the roof of the warehouse and using its stinger like a can opener it peels back the corrugated iron.

It looks down onto the workers below as they bag up kilo after kilo of cocaine

Then it drops down like a blood thirsty bumble bee.


It lands with a thud in the middle of the room and the bagger’s scatter in all directions.

But the wasp isn’t interested in them they are just peasant folk trying to feed their families.

All of his concentration is on four guards armed with machine guns.

Soon the bullets are flying and the wasp is hit by over twenty rounds but they have little affect.

Because the wasps body has also modified it is now a two inch thick combination of kevlar and carbon steel.


It is on the guards with lightning speed and they are all despatched with a single bite.

Then the wasp opens the bags of cocaine with its stinger beats its wings as fast as a hummingbird and the cocaine is gone with the wind.

Then the wasp fills its saddlebags with all of the drug money sets fire to the warehouse and takes off.


Once outside the wasp swoops down low over a local village  and empties the saddlebags that contain almost one million dollars.

All of the people race outside and fill their pockets with the money sent from heaven.

They have never seen so much money now they will be able to feed and clothe their families for years.


In the following months the wasp flies all over Mexico destroying every drug operation that it comes across.

Burning the drugs and raining down millions of dollars on the poor folk below.


And of course all of this activity hasn’t gone unnoticed by the media.

Television stations all over the country are reporting the story of a strange flying creature that is destroying drug operations and making the poor rich with money from the heavens.

The modified wasp is fast becoming something of a hero to the masses.

And the press have even given the creature a name ‘El Saviour’


But not all people are happy with the activities of ‘El Saviour’

Up in his fortress El Groucho is seething as he watches his TV with his eyes ablaze.

Something will have to be done about this ‘El Saviour’ so he picks up an encrypted phone and makes some calls.


He is calling his fellow drug barons who control the drug trade in Mexico.

They are all losing money hand over fist and they will stop at nothing to stop this ‘El Saviour’

And they agree to meet El Groucho at his fortress in three days time.


One by one the drug lords arrive at an airport fifty miles from the fortress  and they all board a helicopter supplied by El Groucho.

And they takeoff towards their destiny.


The drug lords are relaxing with shots of tequila  talking about ways to rid themselves from the menace of ‘El Saviour’

When from the corner of his eye the pilot notices an incoming threat.

A huge wasp is racing towards the helicopter and the pilot screams at his passengers to strap themselves in.

But his warning comes way too late.


‘El Saviour comes in low and fast and before the passengers can move he runs his stinger along the side of the copter.

And opens it up like a can of beans.

A few of the passengers are sucked out and slam into the rotor blades while the rest pray to their maker as the helicopter goes into free fall and hits the ground.


In his fortress El Groucho sees the flames on the side side of the mountain and his knees start to buckle.

He looks at the huge fireball and knows that he is in big trouble ‘El Saviour’ is nearby looking for a fight.

Bring it on motherfucker.


The modified wasp know that El Groucho is nearby but it is not quite sure where.

He waves his stinger and tastes the air trying to pick up a scent.

And sure enough he picks up a smell the smell of fear.

He gets his bearings and flies toward a fortress a mile away.


El Groucho is waiting for an attack and he isn’t surprised when a huge wasp appears on the horizon.

But he is surprised by the sheer size of it.

The wasp is now the size of a airliner and coming in fast.


El Groucho waits for the wasp to get within firing range

He puts a surface to air missile launcher to his shoulder takes aim and fires.

But the missile is deflected by the wasp and it loses its course and heads back towards the fortress.


‘Holy shit’ El Groucho screams as the missile streaks toward him

He runs as fast as he can but is still inside when the missile hits the fortress.

But once again luck is on El Grouchos side and he crawls outside virtually unscathed.

The fortress is now nothing more than a pile of rubble and El Groucho crawls toward a land rover to make an escape.


But he doesn’t get very far when ‘El Saviour comes in hard and fast and impales El Groucho in the thigh.

And carries him off toward the pico de arizaba mountain.

An active volcano.


El Groucho is wriggling like a fish caught on a hook as the modified wasp hovers above the crater.

Then the wasp points his stinger earthward and El Groucho falls into the molten lava.


El Groucho screams all the way down he cant believe that he has been defeated by a creature that he helped create.

His screams stop as he hits the lave and becomes nothing but ash.


The modified wasp smiles with satisfaction with a job well done

And in a heartbeat he is gone.

Destination unknown






Shoeshine ( The Sin Away )


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It is a cold windy day in Chicago Illinois and a fourteen year old African American boy is about to start his first day at work.

The year is 1950 and Calvin Jackson is excited to be following in his grandfathers footsteps.


His grandfather Melvin has been shining shoes for over fifty years.

But now his health isn’t the best so he has decided to pass on his skills to his favourite grandson.


Calvin has been living with his grandparents for most of his life.

His mother abandoned him soon after he was born and his father didn’t want anything to do with him.

So Calvin was raised by his loving grandparents.


Calvin loves his grandparents dearly and they love him like a son.

They brought him up to treat people with respect and to do the right thing.

But Calvin hasn’t been completely honest with them.

He has a secret.


Since he can remember he has had the ability to touch and object belonging to someone and sensing that persons thoughts and feelings.

He can see into their very soul.


Calvin has never told anybody about this ability.

He doesn’t want people to know because they might think that he is some sort of freak or something.

Plus it isn’t easy being African American this Calvin learnt from an early age.

So he keeps his eyes down and minds his own business.


He knows that he has a special talent but all he wants right now is to make his grandfather proud.

So when his grandfather wakes him and tells him that it is time for breakfast.

Calvin jumps out of bed and eats his bacon and eggs excited about the day ahead.

Then he follows his grandfather out the door.


They catch a train to Melvin’s shoeshine stand just outside the subway.

The perfect spot to catch people on their way to work.

Calvin watches as his grandfather arranges his brushes and clothes ready for his first customer.

Melvin Jackson is the best shoeshine man in all of Chicago.


Calvin sits near his grandfather and watches his every move as he polishes and shines shoes to a high gloss.

Melvin is in his element as shines shoes and chats to his regular customers.

Then it is Calvin’s turn.


Melvin hands him the brush and takes a seat and settles down to read the newspaper with one eye and the other on his grandson.

When Calvin touches the brush he is glad to feel that his grandfather is happy and looking forward to his retirement.

Where he will spend his time building model trains and getting under the feet of his loving wife.


Calvin is nervous when his first customer takes his seat at the shoeshine stand.

But he is a natural as he shines shoes it is like he has been doing it for years.

When he touches the shoes he doesn’t feel anything untoward or threatening and the customer leaves a good tip and goes on his way.


His next customer takes a seat and precedes to tell Calvin his life story.

Calvin smiles and nods his head in all the right times to keep his customer happy.

Because the number one rule in the shoeshine business is to ensure that the customer leaves satisfied with the service.

Because then he will come back again and again.


Calvin’s first few weeks on the job pass without incident.

He shines the shoes of all comers whether it is a lawyer thinking about his day in court.

A businessman thinking about how to close a deal or just your average joe on his way to another work day.


Then a month later an ordinary man takes a seat and Calvin decides to try something different.

So he grasps a shoelace like he is holding a rosary bead and his fingers feel for good or bad vibrations.

And he looks deep inside the customer soul looking for anything sinister or worse.


Calvin smiles and says ‘good morning’ and gets to work.

But as soon as his fingers grasp one of the laces he is almost jolted back out of his seat.

His pulse quickens and he starts to sweat.

This guy is trouble.


Calvin acts like nothing is amiss and keeps on shining as he gazes deeper into the soul.

The customer is oblivious to the intrusion as Calvin goes about his business.

There is trouble at home.

Calvin delves even deeper and the customer starts to squirm in his seat ‘What are you doing boy?’

Calvin looks into the mans eyes and replies ‘Whatever the trouble you are having at home can all be worked out’

‘Get some marriage guidance or get a divorce but don’t take a life because you are unhappy’


None of Calvin’s words are spoken out loud they are spoken from soul to soul.

Calvin just hopes that his words have sunk in and that the man will go home and sort out his problems.


Calvin finishes his shining and the free advice and the man stands up and pulls out his wallet and hands Calvin a crisp one dollar bill.

‘Thanks boy I don’t know what you did but I feel like a weight has been lifted from my body’

With that he walks away.


Over the next few months Calvin deals with all sorts of normal and troubled souls.

And he does his best to shine shoes and  to give some friendly unspoken advice.

And he does it all with a smile on his face and goes home  satisfied but tired.

He didn’t realise that shining shoes would be so mentally draining.

But when you look deep into troubled souls it takes a lot out of you.

And he has trouble sleeping because his mind never shuts down.


All that Calvin wanted was to make his grandfather proud and be the best shoeshine boy in the neighbourhood.

But he now knows that he has become more than that.

He is now a soothsayer a soul healer for the common man.

But it is all starting to become too much.


Over the weekend doesn’t know if he can carry on or not so he visits his grandfather and tells him of his special ability and how it is starting to mess with his mind.

Melvin looks at him like he is the second coming of Christ and tells Calvin that he has been given a gift and that he should he should carry on helping people if he can.


So first thing Monday morning Calvin jumps out of bed packs his bag and goes to work.

Calvin loves to shine shoes and help people in need.

He is what he is.


Gary Wayne Debois is a serial killer.

But today he isn’t thinking about killing all he wants is to eat some breakfast and get his shoes shined.

Then he can get down to business the business of killing.


He remembers an old man and his shoeshine stand outside of the train station so he heads towards the subway.

And when he arrives he is greeted by a teenage negro boy waiting for his first customer of the day,

Debois tells the boy that the last time that he was here an old man shined his shoes and Calvin explains that that was his grandfather who is now retired.

Debois says ‘D o the family proud boy ‘ and takes a seat not knowing that the shoeshine boy is about to look into his soul and beyond.


When the man is comfortable Calvin starts rubbing with his cloth and takes hold of a lace.

He looks deep into the mans soul but doesn’t see a thing.

It is like looking into a bottomless pit.


Calvin closes his eyes and once again he tries to enter the belly of the beast.

But again he sees nothing but black like riding a train through a tunnel to hell.


Then Calvin is brought back to reality when he is kicked in the head ‘What the fuck are you doing boy? Just shine my shoes and make it fucking snappy’

Calvin shines as fast as he can so this man can get out of his life.

He knows that he is dealing with a very dangerous individual so he finishes quickly and with his head bowed waits for his tip.


Debois stands up throws a coin on the ground at Calvin’s feet and walks away muttering obscenities.


A few weeks later Calvin is shining the shoes of a customer when Debois comes back and he grabs hold of the customer and tells him to get out of his way.

He takes a seat and tells Calvin to ‘Hurry the fuck up I haven’t got all fucking day’

Calvin gets to work and once again tries to enter the mans soul but again he is denied.

Than Calvin has an idea if he can somehow take the mans laces home maybe he can look into the soul without being in the mans presence.


Hey mister both of your laces are just about worn out I can replace them both free of charge’

Calvin looks up into the mans face with hope ‘Well what are you fucking waiting for boy?’

Calvin quickly changes the laces and the man goes on his way.


Riding the subway home Calvin can feel the weight of the laces in his pocket.

He touches them and searches for the mans inner being.

He gets in but the connection is weak.

The man is driving down the highway and he has just picked up a female hitch hiker.

Unfortunately for Calvin his train is travelling in the opposite direction to the mans car and the connection is broken.


Calvin arrives home with his mind in turmoil he paces back and forth in his room wondering what to do.

Then he sits on his bed and unties his laces and attaches them to the mans laces

Maybe there will be some sort of connection?


And there is it is like watching a silent movie.

Calvin now knows who he is dealing with Gary Wayne Debois is a serial killer who the police have been trying to catch for over a decade.

He has been linked to over twenty murders.

But Calvin can see that the number is closer to fifty.


Calvin notices that the girl has her hands tied behind her with the same laces that Calvin tied to the mans shoes a few hours ago.

So hopefully his aura is still attached to them.

Maybe just maybe.


Calvin grips his laces tight concentrates and whispers into the girls ear and smiles when her eyes open in shock ‘My name is Calvin and I am here to try and help you.I am going to try to loosen the laces binding your hands nod your head if you understand”

The frightened girl slowly nods her head.


Calvin closes his eyes and grips his laces even tighter and the girl starts to wriggles in the car seat ‘Try not to move too much or the man will know that something is up when the laces are loose nod your head’

And once again the girl nods her head.


OK now tell the man that you have to go to the bathroom real bad’

Calvin can see the girl talking to the man but Debois gives her a backhander and tells her to ‘Shut the fuck up bitch we are almost at your final resting place but I am going to have a little fun first.

The girl is scared out of her wits and her urine flows down her legs and the smell hits Debois’s nose.

‘Why you filthy bitch” he pulls the car near an abandoned building and drags her from the car by her hair.

From his pocket he pulls out a knife exposes the girls throat and is about to cut her open from ear to ear.

The girl desperately rakes at the mans face with her nails and it gives Calvin a few vital seconds.


He knows that it is now or never he wasn’t able to enter the mans soul but maybe he can enter his heart.

Calvin closes his eyes and squeezes the laces and squeezes hard on the mans heart.

And as Debois and the girl struggle Calvin squeezes one last time and Debois grabs his chest and falls to the ground dead.


The girl whispers ‘Thank You ” to Calvin who falls asleep completely exhausted.


Two days later at the city morgue a body is lying on a gurney when a foot starts to twitch.

Then the man sits up and takes in his surroundings and he smiles.

Gary Wayne Debois is alive and well and he only has one thing on his mind.